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  • 6/9/2025
Have.I.Got.a.Bit.More.News.for.You.S69E10

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Fun
Transcript
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00:38Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Richard Aiwadi.
00:42In the news this week, at a leisure centre in Birmingham,
00:46Ozzy Osbourne begins to regret letting Sharon organise his surprise birthday treat.
00:52.
01:02As the government confirms a dramatic rise in defence spending,
01:04one minister puts on a brave face as she has shown £10 million worth of equipment.
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01:17At a naval bait in Portsmouth, sailors test a new alarm system that emits a whistle
01:20whenever something undesirable approaches the ships.
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03:44Which is great, cos there's a load of 18-year-olds being sent over
03:47on their gap year to go and fight the war for us.
03:50Yeah, it would be good if Russia ever attack Iyanapa.
03:53Yeah.
03:55We'll be ready for them.
03:57Yeah.
03:58But they're very good with computer games.
04:00Yeah.
04:01So all the people who are playing Call of Duty will now do it for real.
04:06Actually not doing shoot-em-ups, they'll actually literally be...
04:09Yeah, they'll be fighting from home.
04:11Yeah.
04:12Yeah, your tea's ready.
04:14I'm at war, I can't come now.
04:17We will fight them from the bedroom.
04:19Yeah.
04:20Right now, actually, certain sections of the army are ready to strike
04:23at a moment's notice.
04:25Is that a real advert?
04:26That's it.
04:27I directed it.
04:28Did you?
04:29I wish.
04:30I wish.
04:31Why, according to the Telegraph, should we not be worrying about what
04:36happened in 2034?
04:37Because we won't exist.
04:38Hmm.
04:39You're exactly right.
04:40It'll all be over by then.
04:41The very happy Telegraph claims that global conflict will have kicked off in 2034.
04:48Global conflict may be just two years away, companies from supermarket chains to Silicon Valley
04:55technology giants are all drawing up plans to keep running during wartime.
05:00Which is what I plan to do.
05:02What would you do if nuclear annihilation is around the world of nuclear power?
05:12What would you do if nuclear annihilation is around the world of nuclear power?
05:19to keep running during wartime, which is what I plan to do.
05:23LAUGHTER
05:27What would you do if nuclear annihilation is round the corner?
05:32There was a thing during the 1980s where they said that there used
05:35to be a sitcom called Terry and June, and apparently if nuclear
05:38warfare was heading our way, a three-minute warning, the BBC
05:41would start putting out Terry and June to calm people down.
05:44Yes. And if I turned the TV on and Terry and June was on,
05:47I always consulted the Radio Times to make sure there was a scheduled
05:51showing. I don't know, there's not going to be a nuclear war, is there?
05:54And if I'm proved wrong, I'll be the first to apologize.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:59Now, in terms of the wider spending review, who else is demanding
06:03money from the government? Everyone?
06:06Teachers? Sure. Doctors? Nurses?
06:08They've got enough, Ian.
06:10LAUGHTER
06:12Police? The police? Thank you, Jack. The police. Senior police chiefs
06:15have warned that they will have to de-prioritise.
06:19Adding, if funding is cut, that means some crimes must be ignored.
06:24How will we tell?
06:26LAUGHTER
06:28In other police news, can anyone tell me what's going on here?
06:33Oh, it's savage cuts.
06:37LAUGHTER
06:39Used to be a bloke under that.
06:42This is Superintendent Paul Allen, who found his missing hat
06:46almost 25 years after he lost it.
06:48Funny thing, it was on his head the whole time.
06:50LAUGHTER
06:51It's not... No, it wasn't. I'm just being humorous.
06:54It was found in a quarry in Leicestershire
06:56and handed in by a member of the public.
06:59Who decided that was a story?
07:01LAUGHTER
07:03Is that...?
07:04I think the police are so hard up for good news stories.
07:07Yeah, yeah, we've sold something, here we go, yeah.
07:10LAUGHTER
07:12Maybe they'd get on to finding my missing motorbike.
07:14Yeah. No, no, no.
07:15And how do they know it was his hat? I mean, they look very similar,
07:17don't they?
07:18It had his name written on a little name can.
07:20Did it, or have you just made that up?
07:22God, you're good.
07:24LAUGHTER
07:27He said, we might hand it over to our archivist,
07:30because this story is probably worth telling again...
07:32LAUGHTER
07:34..when I retire.
07:35I wouldn't open the memoir with that.
07:37LAUGHTER
07:39Now, do the police ever wear helmets any more, or is it just out?
07:41What's happened to the helmets?
07:43Apparently there's a quarry with hundreds of them.
07:45LAUGHTER
07:46Right.
07:47Well, this lively conversation has given me an idea...
07:50LAUGHTER
07:51..for a new game, a very fun game, called Hat or Helmet.
07:54Would you like to play?
07:55I'll take that as a yes.
07:56LAUGHTER
07:57Yeah, sure.
07:58This is how it works.
07:59There'll be some people in the news in a hat or a helmet...
08:01Right.
08:02..and you have to tell me who they are...
08:03Oh, who they are, OK.
08:04..and why they're in the news.
08:05OK.
08:06Is it a buzz-around?
08:07Yeah.
08:08Um, no.
08:09It's not a buzz-around.
08:10That would make no sense within the format.
08:11OK.
08:12OK, well, I don't know it yet.
08:13Yeah, we don't know the format.
08:14I don't know if you're going to show a picture and we had to come in today.
08:16Yeah, we are.
08:17But, you know, OK, I'm sorry.
08:18I'm only trying to help out.
08:19LAUGHTER
08:20Ian.
08:21Yes?
08:22You start.
08:23Would you like hat or helmet?
08:24Uh, hat, please.
08:26Let's go for it.
08:27LAUGHTER
08:28It's Robert Jenrick.
08:29It is.
08:30The story is he's been going down the tube...
08:31Um...
08:32LAUGHTER
08:33Literally.
08:34LAUGHTER
08:35He's not the Tory leader but he'd quite like to be.
08:37So he's leading a campaign against crime, which is quite amusing...
08:39Yes.
08:40..during a property deal with a Tory donor called Richard Desmond.
08:42The judge described him and his behaviour as unlawful.
08:44I just bring that up in the hope that someone, somewhere,
08:46will allow me to say it again.
08:47LAUGHTER
08:48It's a one-man vigilante...
08:49Yes.
08:50..on the London Underground pointing out fair dodgers.
08:51Mm.
08:52Yeah.
08:53And pointing them out with extreme force.
08:54Yes.
08:55Excuse me.
08:56Do you think it's all right not to pay?
08:57Seriously, why don't you go back to the Barry and pay?
08:58Do you want to go back to the Barry and pay?
08:59Do you want to go back to the Barry and pay?
09:00Do you think it's alright not to pay?
09:01Do you think it's alright not to pay?
09:02Do you think it's alright not to pay?
09:03Why don't you go back and pay?
09:04F*** off.
09:05You can say f*** off as much as you want.
09:06On a roof.
09:07But everyone else has to pay.
09:08You're carrying your knives, you see.
09:09It's the same with bike theft, phone theft, tool theft, shoplifting, drugs in town centres,
09:15else do you think it's a right not to pay why don't you go back and pay you can say as much as
09:19you want but everyone else has to pay you what are you carrying a knife do you say it's the same
09:24with bike theft phone theft tool theft shoplifting drugs in town centres weird Turkish barber shops
09:36i'm confused though is that a barber shop specifically serving weird turks
09:40i mean whoever gave him that haircut fair enough the key issue is what did hello good morning
09:49suzanna reed think she was furious she was furious because she said he should have picked up on the
09:55fact that someone said they were carrying a knife because as she quite rightly said if her children
10:00were traveling on the tube she'd much rather they were sat next to someone who jumped a barrier than
10:04someone who was carrying a knife let's see susanna put the case herself did you report to the police
10:10that you've been told someone was carrying a knife on the tube i haven't done uh why not
10:16well i i just it did i didn't feel the the need to do that why not well it's not about me the video
10:23is it you've made it all about me the video is literally all about you you say that but that's
10:30it's not worth it it's you walking around tube stations confronting people absolutely rinsed got
10:38rinsed this week robert jenrich tried to bolster his tory leadership credentials by filming himself
10:44confronting fair dodgers according to the sun jenrich was repeatedly told to fuck off
10:50he then left his house
10:59see what a great round it's a helmet is that the end of it no no no no jack
11:04how's your helmet i'm going to push the envelope now oh yeah balaclava
11:09oh i'm going helmet helmet yeah go on then let's go for helmet
11:19what is this uh it's a helmet yeah i was right it's an ash tree it's an ash tree that's what's on his
11:28head to highlight the threat of ash dieback disease to ash trees in southampton do you know i think we
11:34could probably drop the helmet part of this for me i think if we drop that yeah i don't know where
11:41we are all okay he wore this helmet yes it is a helmet it is a helmet at an interspecies democracy
11:48meeting species which can't speak or vote in elections and there are too many were represented
11:54at a meeting of southampton council as part of its campaign to become a national park city
11:58let's take a look at what went down i am the fox glove and i represent all the wild flowers i am
12:06nettle we have been misunderstood i am an estuary and i'm here because estuaries are being cut down
12:14because of an ash dieback envision a southampton where people and nature co-exist harmoniously
12:21we acknowledge our respect for you is there much to do in southampton is that an official council
12:31meeting it's an interspecies council meeting in southampton that's right where were you ian
12:38kelly yes hat or helmet helmet please richard oh i really was looking for you to say hat
12:45hat you've only got one helmet question that's one of the problems of the format
12:58there's so little helmet news okay who's this
13:07we don't know who that is it's elon two hats musk yeah he's finally snapped after spending almost
13:13a year in donald trump's inner circle yeah is that a euphemism i mean it's also a medical condition
13:22he said what he thinks of the president's plans for a massive tax cut the big bill it's an
13:27abomination yes he's called trump's big beautiful bill an outrageous pork filled abomination of a
13:35spending bill why is pork filled a phrase that they use what does that because it's pork barrel
13:39politics oh what does that mean is corruption and um i mean i'm just not specifically pointing at
13:46the two people in this story when i use that word corruption yeah much um it was a big giveaway
13:53budget wasn't it um and musk wants spending cut and taxes for very very rich people cut as well
14:01and he's got a black eye as well because he's got a black eye he asked his five-year-old child to
14:04punch him in the face a five-year-old child is called x that's why i heard him yeah and i think
14:10the phrase x marks the spot has never been more accurately used thank you very much
14:20okay new bits oh are we at war there's some news
14:26musk and donald trump's war of words has bitterly escalated donald trump said on truth social
14:32that musk was wearing thin and threatened to terminate elon's governmental subsidies and
14:38contracts and musk hit back on x by saying time to drop the really big bomb at real donald trump
14:44is in the epstein files that is a real reason they have not been made public have a nice day dj
14:53we call it an amicable split we don't know whether this is true because our source is elon musk
15:11and a website called truth social truth social run by a liar so i'm just throwing it in keep the
15:18lawyers awake i'll keep the lawyers awake i say it's true true trump has also accused the bbc of lying
15:32yes um about its account of um what happened in gaza at the aid center which is fairly extraordinary a man
15:38who lied about winning the election ends up thinking that the real villain in the entire middle east
15:44is the bbc for reporting on shooting people who are starving i just bring that up
15:52of course we're going to end hat and helmet with a bonus round yeah what is this
15:57and how does it perform a similar function to a helmet
16:04yes it's grass that's right
16:07and if you put it on your head and someone hits you it softens the blow
16:17you speak from experience
16:20yeah i mean you're pretty close it's um it's a ceremonial sod i've been called that before
16:26not just the once yeah um uh that's been used in the cornish town of helston
16:30yes anyone else been seen the dance no you've had sad life ian when you said the dance was it just
16:40you in a field this is a ceremonial sod that's been used in the cornish town of helston in the
16:46centuries-old tradition of beating the bounds according to the falmouth packet the tradition
16:52involves local people being lifted up and having their heads banged on a boundary marker protected by a
16:57sod of turf yes but why was it in the news this week though uh because the sod of turf wasn't there
17:04and he knocked his brains out very sad and he's now joined reform
17:12yes the tradition was threatened because helston council were worried that their insurance would
17:16no longer cover them if they organized a headbanging so they gave permission for a local
17:22church to take over the event instead provided that people were given the option not to have
17:27their heads bashed on a stone there you go it doesn't look like he's volunteering to do
17:37big crowd though yeah this is the first strategic defense review since 1989 this is a bit of a
17:44segue we were sort of going back to defense in a way we're going to lean very heavily on the edit in
17:52this one yeah i think so we're actually going to cut away to an episode of uh terry and june yeah
18:00then a bit of nuclear countdown and back to this yeah i think actually in the edit they'll probably
18:04reverse it start with the end of the show and then do hat or helmet at the end yeah yeah yeah just
18:08just after the credits yeah but there's another program yeah i think that's the way you'll know
18:16there's a nuclear war because they'll be playing at your helmet yeah we'll be praying for the bombs to
18:21drop try this for a segue now according to the guardian keir starmer has pledged to make britain
18:30battle ready with drones happily we already have some of the best drone pilots in the world standing
18:35outside prisons delivering mobile phones
18:37so yeah it's true it's true one military expert said that in future all wars could be fought by robots
18:47cool meanwhile the cornish beating the bound ceremony is going ahead after a health and
18:54safety review here is the stone in full which also marks a spot where someone buried their beloved pencil
19:01LAUGHTER
19:07Paul and Jack. Yes, here are yours. OK.
19:11Oh, and there's someone writing Keir Starmer's speech.
19:16One of Trump's saner moments. What are they?
19:19Sausage rolls. Sausage rolls.
19:21Madame Tussauds did a waxwork model of a sausage roll.
19:26Yes. Presumably to try and get more scaffolders through the doors.
19:30LAUGHTER
19:32This is the thing, I don't know if it's an urban myth,
19:34but I've heard that if you have a model, your model done at Madame Tussauds,
19:38and then you fall out of favour, it gets melted down
19:42and turned into someone more famous. Yes.
19:45And I'm just thinking, who did they melt down to get that?
19:48And what was that phone call from the agent like?
19:51LAUGHTER
19:53Yeah, I've got some more bad news for you.
19:55You've become David Beckham's arse.
19:57LAUGHTER
19:58You're completely right. This is news that a Gregg's sausage roll
20:01is the first food item to be immortalised in Madame Tussauds.
20:05Gregg's is Britain's favourite baker. Yes.
20:07As we know, even Keir Starmer has been known to pop in on his way to work
20:10and ask for a Gregg's hostage roll.
20:13LAUGHTER
20:15They are celebrating cultural icons, that's what they're doing.
20:18Right.
20:19It's a very specific thing.
20:21A million are bought every day and it will be on display
20:24in the Culture Capital section of the museum,
20:27dedicated to icons that have helped shape Britain.
20:30And...
20:31That shape is a beast.
20:32LAUGHTER
20:33The sausage roll will be displayed alongside fellow cultural icons,
20:36David Attenborough and Shakespeare.
20:38Here it is.
20:39LAUGHTER
20:41Are you sure that's not bacon?
20:43Exactly.
20:44LAUGHTER
20:46LAUGHTER
20:47There are so many other sausage roll Shakespeare jokes available!
20:52LAUGHTER
20:55Well, it's been praised to the hilt, this sausage roll,
20:57for looking exactly like the real thing and having the same nutritional value.
21:01LAUGHTER
21:03Who isn't going to be made into a waxwork?
21:05Me.
21:06I mean, there's got to be a long list of people who aren't going to be made into a waxwork.
21:08Yeah.
21:09You're right, you're right.
21:10That wasn't there.
21:11Most of the population.
21:12LAUGHTER
21:13Is it someone who wanted to be...?
21:14Well, maybe they would want to.
21:16Yeah.
21:17Keir Starmer?
21:18Yes.
21:19Yes.
21:20Keir Starmer.
21:21Really?
21:22They've said they won't be making waxwork of him,
21:23as they're not sure he'll be relevant in five years.
21:25LAUGHTER
21:26That's harsh.
21:30Yeah.
21:31Or now.
21:32What was happening here?
21:36Mm.
21:37There was a waxwork model of Macron got stolen...
21:41Yes.
21:42..by Greenpeace or...
21:44Yeah, that's right, yes.
21:45I always think with these people, I know they mean well,
21:48but every time you see them, you just think,
21:50oh, if you're the alternative, I just say,
21:53bring on the end of the world, really, because...
21:55LAUGHTER
21:57If that's what we've got to look forward to, then, Frank, I'm ready.
22:00LAUGHTER
22:02We've had a good innings.
22:03Yeah.
22:04Yeah.
22:05Let's just crunch on the caps, you'll get it done with.
22:06Yes.
22:07You are getting cheerier in your old age, aren't you?
22:09Well, you know, you've got to look on the bright side.
22:11LAUGHTER
22:12Finally, who wants to see the waxworks of William and Kate
22:15at the Polonia Wax Museum?
22:17Yes.
22:18Yes!
22:19LAUGHTER
22:20LAUGHTER
22:21Have Thunderbirds been told about this?
22:26LAUGHTER
22:27This is the news that Madame Tussauds has created a waxwork
22:31of a Greg sausage roll.
22:33Having crafted a sausage roll, Madame Tussauds are keen to feature
22:36more foodstuffs.
22:37They are currently working on a Pizza Express margarita pizza,
22:40which obviously will be nowhere near the Prince Andrew exhibit.
22:43LAUGHTER
22:45Time now for round two, the swirl of news.
22:49Fingers on buzzers, teams.
22:51Activate the swirl.
22:53BUZZER
22:56Fantastic, look at that for special effects.
22:58BUZZER
23:00Men's shorts are getting shorter.
23:03You're completely right, this is the news that short shorts
23:05are in fashion for men this summer.
23:07Yes.
23:08And what has a trend been dubbed?
23:10The short short trend.
23:11Yeah.
23:12LAUGHTER
23:14You haven't got one of those capsules, have you?
23:16LAUGHTER
23:18I'll tell you what it's called.
23:20Thigh Guy Summer.
23:22LAUGHTER
23:23Thigh Guy Summer?
23:24That's right.
23:25Who's calling it that?
23:26Everyone.
23:27Everyone?
23:28Absolutely everyone.
23:29And we do have a picture of some very short shorts.
23:33Yeah.
23:34LAUGHTER
23:35That's a pair with a five-inch inseam on morning television,
23:38and that is when the authorities picked him up.
23:41LAUGHTER
23:42He looks like the two halves of his body are going to different events.
23:48LAUGHTER
23:49Yes.
23:50How do you feel about short shorts in general, Kelly?
23:52I mean, on young and, you know...
23:56How young?
23:57Like...
23:58LAUGHTER
23:59Bear in mind the history of BBC presenters.
24:03LAUGHTER
24:04I've played that answer back in my head and I'd like to withdraw it.
24:08LAUGHTER
24:09But footballers' shorts have got shorter.
24:12Do they get shorter and longer over the years?
24:14Yeah, they were quite long in the 90s,
24:16and then the shorter ones are sort of coming back.
24:18Can you identify a footballer from their shorts?
24:21No.
24:22Bad luck.
24:23LAUGHTER
24:24Let's have a look at the picture.
24:25Well, I want you to identify this footballer.
24:28I...
24:29I feel like if I could identify a footballer from this picture,
24:32I wouldn't be doing my job properly.
24:34LAUGHTER
24:35Ian, do you want to guess?
24:36It's Gary Lineker.
24:38You're right!
24:39Is it?
24:40Yes.
24:41APPLAUSE
24:47Of course it is.
24:48Well, it didn't take him long to get a new job, did it?
24:51Yeah.
24:52LAUGHTER
24:53Is he presenting Crocs of the Day?
24:55Yes.
24:56LAUGHTER
24:57Is there any explanation for that, Fyto?
24:59It's just...
25:00No, no, it's just...
25:01Yeah.
25:02It's just in my wallet.
25:03LAUGHTER
25:04LAUGHTER
25:06What tip did fashion stylist Luke Day...
25:09You know Luke Day.
25:10Yes.
25:11..have for anyone wanting to don a pair of short shorts?
25:13Who needs advice for putting on shorts? Come on.
25:16Are you trying to put Luke Day out of a job?
25:18Well...
25:19Luke Day recommends that first-timers choose a thicker fabric
25:22and size up, saying, you want a bit of room.
25:25It's not about compression.
25:27Um, because we do...
25:28We've played hat or helmet.
25:29Yes, we have.
25:30LAUGHTER
25:31Now's not the time.
25:34No.
25:35No.
25:36That round has gone.
25:37Yep.
25:38This is the news that apparently short shorts are going to be
25:40this year's summer fashion for men.
25:42Personally, I would love to wear speedos, but you just can't
25:45get them in corduroy.
25:46LAUGHTER
25:48That's not...
25:49You can, that's it.
25:50You can.
25:51You've just got to pay.
25:52LAUGHTER
25:54One designer offering shorter shorts is, according to The Guardian,
25:57All Bar Brown, a resort wear brand that has been worn
26:00by David Cameron.
26:01In fact, they've just signed a big-money sponsorship deal with
26:03David Cameron to stop him wearing them.
26:05LAUGHTER
26:06Fingers on buzzers, teams.
26:08Activate the swirl.
26:09LAUGHTER
26:10This is Paris Saint-Germain, who have just won the Champions League
26:15by beating Inter Milan 5-0.
26:16Mm.
26:17Mm.
26:18That is exactly right.
26:19Paris Saint-Germain have won the Champions League by the largest
26:23margin in history.
26:24Mm-hm.
26:25It's extraordinary, isn't it?
26:26Gosh, I can't get it.
26:27LAUGHTER
26:28PRS...
26:29No, sorry, that's my accountant's.
26:31PSG, owned by the Qataris, beat all the English clubs in the
26:33tournament.
26:34So they're good at football.
26:35I'm going to say that's the most important thing.
26:36That's the most important thing.
26:38That's the most important thing.
26:39That's the most important thing.
26:41That's the most important thing.
26:42That's the most important thing.
26:43You did well.
26:44You did well.
26:45Look, Ian, relax.
26:46The UEFA Super Cup is coming up soon.
26:48It's in August.
26:49And that's when PSG play Tottenham.
26:50So I'll see you down there.
26:51Yep.
26:52And the women's Euros in between.
26:53Where's that?
26:54LAUGHTER
26:55Europe.
26:56OK.
26:57Good.
26:58And it's always in Europe, is it?
26:59LAUGHTER
27:00I guess this must be why I keep missing it.
27:02OK.
27:03OK.
27:04OK.
27:05Good.
27:06And it's always in Europe, is it?
27:07LAUGHTER
27:08I guess this must be why I keep missing it.
27:10LAUGHTER
27:13Now, are you set for Match of the Day, Kelly?
27:16Do you have Twitter?
27:17I did have Twitter, but I deleted it way before Match of the Day.
27:20OK.
27:21Yeah, so that's not a temptation for me.
27:23OK.
27:24But I did think the most sensible thing to do to distance myself
27:26from the previous era was to come on a satirical topical news quiz.
27:30LAUGHTER
27:31It's all right, I'll handle the Gaza questions.
27:34LAUGHTER
27:35And you can do the Gaza questions.
27:40LAUGHTER
27:41Kelly, you managed to upset a couple of fellow North Westerners.
27:46What did I do?
27:47Well, perhaps we should look at what you did.
27:49After three wins in four, particularly after the win against Python,
27:52we were expecting he was going to be in a good mood.
27:54How significant was that last win?
27:56It was a huge win, I mean...
27:58Do you think that was so...
27:59Michael was going to be relegated in the day of the last week,
28:01and they played as well?
28:03Yes, I mean, the Apple's under 12 at this late stage.
28:06LAUGHTER
28:08Was it done as an April Fool joke or something?
28:10No, they...
28:11They just aren't very good at walking and talking.
28:14They were supposed to answer...
28:15Yes.
28:16..and then go.
28:17Right.
28:18LAUGHTER
28:19But they made it look natural.
28:22LAUGHTER
28:24In other news, a hybrid sport is gaining popularity in the UK.
28:31Do you know which activities it combines?
28:33Two activities.
28:34Is it bankruptcy proceedings and croquet?
28:37LAUGHTER
28:38It is rugby and swimming.
28:41Oh.
28:42To create underwater rugby.
28:45Incredibly dangerous scrum.
28:47Yeah.
28:48LAUGHTER
28:49Nick Harvey, founder of pure underwater rugby, Guilford,
28:52described the sport as...
28:54..beautiful.
28:55LAUGHTER
28:56Let's have a look at the beautiful game.
29:00LAUGHTER
29:01LAUGHTER
29:08Some things don't need invented, do they?
29:10LAUGHTER
29:12Yes.
29:13And if you're wondering, when you come up for air,
29:16Nick has the answer.
29:17When's a good time to come up for air, for example?
29:19Well, when you have to breathe.
29:20LAUGHTER
29:25Smart guy.
29:26This is the news that Paris Saint-Germain have won the Champions League.
29:29PSG defeated four Premier League teams on their way to the final.
29:32Some football experts attributed this to the English club's heavier schedule.
29:36Other pundits put it down to an inability to modernise their tactics,
29:40while Gary Lineker blamed Benjamin Netanyahu.
29:43LAUGHTER
29:45It's good that someone does.
29:47Just saying.
29:49APPLAUSE
29:51Fingers on buzzards.
29:52LAUGHTER
29:53To make the swirl.
29:54Yes, swirl.
29:55Yes, swirl.
29:56Yes, swirl.
29:57Yes.
29:58Horses.
29:59Horses have expressions, don't they?
30:00That's exactly right.
30:01Horses have 22 facial expressions.
30:02Why don't they use them, then?
30:03Well, that's 21 more than me.
30:04Yeah.
30:05How do we know that they have so much?
30:06Scientists have observed them.
30:07That's right.
30:08What other answer could there be?
30:09A horse wrote a letter into the Times.
30:10I have 22.
30:11Let's test this out, shall we?
30:12I'll show your horse.
30:13Oh, no, don't.
30:14Yes.
30:15Oh, go on, then.
30:16Yeah.
30:17And you have to tell me the Times.
30:18I have 22 facial expressions.
30:19I have 22 facial expressions.
30:20LAUGHTER
30:21Horses have expressions, don't they?
30:22That's exactly right.
30:23Horses have 22 facial expressions.
30:24Why don't they use them, then?
30:25Well, that's 21 more than me.
30:26Yeah.
30:27How do we know that they have so much?
30:28Scientists have observed them.
30:29That's right.
30:30What other answer could there be?
30:31A horse wrote a letter into the Times.
30:32I have 22 facial expressions.
30:34Let's test this out, shall we?
30:35Yeah.
30:36I'll show your horse.
30:37Oh, no, don't.
30:38And you have to tell me how it's feeling.
30:40OK, definitely.
30:41Yeah, all right.
30:42First one.
30:43Yeah.
30:44What's this expression telling you?
30:45Nostalgic.
30:46Flirtatious.
30:47Flirtatious.
30:48Definitely flirtatious.
30:49Again, remember, you work for the BUC.
30:51Let's not escalate this.
30:52Yeah.
30:53I don't want to jump over anything else today.
30:56Yeah.
30:57But what about the horse, Jack?
30:59LAUGHTER
31:00This is a happy horse.
31:08Is it?
31:09It's a happy horse.
31:10A horse that's pushing its nose forward as a sign that it's feeling friendly
31:13and in a good mood.
31:14Why has he got the same haircut as Adolf Hitler?
31:17LAUGHTER
31:18I said it was a happy horse.
31:20I didn't say it wasn't a fascist horse.
31:22LAUGHTER
31:23What's going on with this nag?
31:27That's existential despair.
31:30LAUGHTER
31:32That's aggressive, isn't it?
31:34That's definitely aggressive.
31:35Yes.
31:36You can read your horses, Paul.
31:37Yeah.
31:38The ears are flat, the nostrils are flared.
31:41This horse is furious.
31:43I thought flared nostrils went out in the 70s.
31:46LAUGHTER
31:48They're coming back with short shorts.
31:50Yeah.
31:51Short snorts, even.
31:53Yes, exactly.
31:54LAUGHTER
31:56I can't help to feel that we've been led down this path.
31:59Yeah.
32:00Naysayers be damned.
32:01LAUGHTER
32:03In other animal news, what has gone on display in Amsterdam's
32:06Rijksmuseum?
32:07Er, was it a condom?
32:09That's right.
32:10Yeah.
32:11There was a very old condom.
32:12There's a museum for such things in Amsterdam.
32:15The Sexmuseum, there's a sex museum.
32:17Is it?
32:18The Sexmuseum.
32:19Protesting a bit too much there, Jack.
32:20LAUGHTER
32:21Is it?
32:22For...
32:23I hadn't...
32:24No!
32:25Er, there's a sex museum.
32:26Yeah.
32:27Erm, for people who want to remember what sex is.
32:29Yes.
32:30And it is on display in the Rijksmuseum.
32:32Do you know what it's made from?
32:33Sheep's guts.
32:34Sheep's appendix.
32:35Sheep's appendix.
32:36Sheep's appendix.
32:37That's right.
32:38Do you want to see it?
32:39Yeah, go on then.
32:40Here we go.
32:41Features a rare erotic hedging depicting a party-undressed nun
32:43pointing at the erect genitals of three clergymen.
32:46LAUGHTER
32:47And in other news, would you like to see an otter playing basketball?
32:53LAUGHTER
32:54I think we should have a vote on it, really.
32:56Yes.
32:57If you'd like to see it, say yes.
32:58Yes!
32:59No, we don't.
33:00OK.
33:01That's why we don't have referendums.
33:02Yeah.
33:03Yeah.
33:04Here it is.
33:05Go on then.
33:06Good girl.
33:07Basket.
33:08Good job.
33:09Basket.
33:10Good.
33:11Three.
33:12Good Juno.
33:13Juno, basket.
33:14Good.
33:15Good.
33:16Good Juno.
33:17Juno, basket.
33:18Good Juno.
33:19Good Juno, basket.
33:20Good Juno.
33:21I'm glad we saw that.
33:24Yeah.
33:25That was better than the underwater rugby.
33:26Yes.
33:27They're playing them next week.
33:28Oh.
33:29This inter-species thing is everywhere.
33:30It is.
33:31It is.
33:32It is.
33:33Don't tie us into that edit.
33:34LAUGHTER
33:35Time now for the odd one out round.
33:36Just one between you this week.
33:37Your four are Alexander Cumming, Scottish Antlers Tea, Chicken Tikka Masala and Kelly Kane.
33:43You're Scottish, aren't you?
33:44Is there a Scotland theme?
33:45Yes.
33:46Things that are actually invented in Scotland or born in Scotland or are Scottish.
33:50OK.
33:51But what's the odd one out?
33:52The odd one out is Kelly Kane.
33:53The odd one out is Kelly Kane.
33:54The odd one out is Kelly Kane.
33:55The odd one out is Kelly Kane.
33:56The odd one out is Kelly Kane.
33:58OK.
33:59OK.
34:00OK.
34:01I can't talk about where I was conceived!
34:02I don't have the information on that.
34:03I didn't ask!
34:04What's the mosty match of the day is going to be like?
34:07What's the only match of the day is it going to be like?
34:09What's the mosty match of the day is going to be like?
34:12It's not going to be a match that I wanted to think about.
34:15The odd one out is Kelly Kane.
34:16The odd one out is Kelly Kane.
34:17Are you a lovely man?
34:18The odd one out is Kelly Kane.
34:19The odd one out is Kelly Kane.
34:20What's the best of course.
34:21The odd one out is Kelly Kane.
34:22How do you find out there?
34:23That's he?
34:24romp the wrong way to say,
34:25and I'm not sure.
34:26It wasn't during the 1975 European Cup final, was it?
34:30Was there a strange etching on the condo?
34:33Chicken tiki masala, I think, may have been in a Glasgow Indian restaurant.
34:40Yeah. I'm going to say Scottish ant the tea is probably the odd one,
34:44just from... It's not really... It's not from Scotland, yeah.
34:47The man told people it was grown in Scotland.
34:50What he was, he was buying tea at a cheaper price abroad
34:53than selling it to restaurants over here, pretending it was Scottish tea,
34:55but it wasn't. You're right.
34:57They're all Scottish apart from Scottish ant the tea,
34:59which turned out not to be.
35:01Thomas Robinson, how much did he make? Millions.
35:04Half a million. Right.
35:05By fraudulently claiming Scottish ant the tea was grown on a plantation
35:08in Perthshire, when in fact he just imported cheap tea by the tonne
35:13from abroad. Yes.
35:14The Head of Food Standards in Scotland, Ron McNaughton, said...
35:18This was a highly complex and protracted investigation which required
35:21a significant amount of time and expertise.
35:24Expertise which required asking,
35:26is there a tea plantation on Miss Robinson's farm in Perthshire?
35:30No.
35:32LAUGHTER
35:34Chicken tiki masala is often claimed as a Scottish invention.
35:37How did it come about?
35:38Well, it's... It was... There's a story behind it.
35:41Yeah, and...
35:43LAUGHTER
35:45We're all tired, Geoff.
35:47Yeah.
35:48Is it tomato soup?
35:49That is part of the recipe.
35:51Yeah, you're on the way.
35:52The origin story, and I hope to see the Marvel film...
35:55LAUGHTER
35:57..is a Scottish-Pakistani chef, Ali Ahmed Aslam,
36:01claimed to have created the dish in the 1970s when a customer ordered
36:05a chicken tikka and said to Aslam,
36:07I'd take some sauce with that, this is a bit dry.
36:10That's the origin.
36:11Obviously, they'd have to pad it out in the writing.
36:13Yes.
36:14LAUGHTER
36:15Alexander Cumming, you were asking about?
36:17Yes.
36:18He's a Scotsman.
36:19Yes.
36:20But what did he invent?
36:21Do you know?
36:22Has he got something to do with Dominic Cumming?
36:23He didn't invent him.
36:24No.
36:25He was the first person, I can't believe you don't know this,
36:28to patent a design for the flushing toilet back in 1775.
36:32Oh, really?
36:33Big Year.
36:34And...
36:35I thought that was Thomas Crapper.
36:36Yes.
36:37He came later and was the inventor of the U-Bend, thank you,
36:40and the ball-cock.
36:41OK.
36:42Right?
36:43OK.
36:44I mean, that's why we say the word crap came from that.
36:45Yeah, Thomas Crapper.
36:46Just going for a crap.
36:47Yeah, yeah.
36:48Otherwise we'd be saying, I'm just going for a cumming.
36:49Yeah.
36:50LAUGHTER
36:54What was the pitfall with earlier flushing systems?
36:57Oh...
36:58Splashback.
36:59Thank you for having the courage to mention it.
37:01LAUGHTER
37:03In the 16th century...
37:04Yes.
37:05Each flush required 7.5 gallons of water.
37:07Right.
37:08That's too much water.
37:09Yes.
37:10So it was recommended that up to 20 people should use the toilet
37:12between each flush.
37:13It's all right if you're the first.
37:15Yeah.
37:16They're all Scottish, apart from Scottish antlers tea,
37:20which turned out to be a fraud.
37:21Brilliant.
37:22Edinburgh-born Alexander Cumming invented the S-Bend,
37:24a feature of many toilets today which prevents sewer emissions
37:27emerging from the pipe.
37:29See terms for water?
37:30It can be done.
37:31LAUGHTER
37:32Time now for the missing words round,
37:34which this week features as its guest publication, Rollerag.
37:38And we start with...
37:43Walked into a pub.
37:44Yeah.
37:45Walked into a pub and the landlord said, you free a barge.
37:47And they said, why?
37:48And he said to the violin, I've got no music licence.
37:49He said to the frying pan, I don't serve food.
37:51And he said to the vacuum cleaner, you suck.
37:53All get out.
37:54APPLAUSE
37:56I can't give you points for a better answer.
38:01No.
38:02A violin, a frying pan and a vacuum cleaner are just some of the things
38:06you can find in Sydney Airport's lost property.
38:09Why is that in Roller Skating magazine?
38:11Well, it wasn't.
38:12No.
38:13LAUGHTER
38:14These items and many more are now going to be auctioned off.
38:17Not sure what will go for the highest price.
38:19Probably the suitcase of a cocaine.
38:21LAUGHTER
38:22Next, what is better than Netflix?
38:27Talking to other human beings.
38:29Don't be stupid.
38:30LAUGHTER
38:31I'm sorry, Richard, that was silly.
38:32Going to the cinema.
38:33That was ridiculous.
38:34The answer...
38:35Is it chilling?
38:36LAUGHTER
38:37You make it sound like a word you've never heard.
38:40LAUGHTER
38:42Well, I have my new ringtone.
38:44LAUGHTER
38:45The answer is, watching people argue on a bridge over the river
38:50in Wales is better than Netflix.
38:53Yeah.
38:54The bridge in Wales regularly sees motorists argue,
38:57unleashing a foul-mouthed torrent of 16-letter words.
39:00LAUGHTER
39:03Next, it's which town centre to be improved by what?
39:08Er...
39:09As if it could be improved.
39:10Mm.
39:11Dynamite?
39:12LAUGHTER
39:13What?
39:14That's right.
39:15You're from Ipswich, aren't you?
39:16I'm one of the major sons of Ipswich.
39:17LAUGHTER
39:18Is Ipswich a city?
39:19Because the football team is called Ipswich Town.
39:20Has Ipswich got a cathedral?
39:21Look, I'm feeling very ganged up on my...
39:22LAUGHTER
39:23I'm from Ipswich.
39:24I've suffered enough.
39:25Have you noticed...
39:26Have you noticed...
39:27I've suffered enough.
39:28Have you noticed a cathedral in Ipswich?
39:29Norwich has got one.
39:30Has Ipswich got one?
39:31No.
39:32Ipswich has got fighting spirit.
39:33Yeah.
39:34And a lot of reasonably priced shoe shops.
39:36Yeah.
39:37Now, next, tors is called Ginger, that ran away to find the castle
39:39in the new town of Ipswich.
39:40The castle has got a cathedral in the new town.
39:42It's called Ipswich Town.
39:43It's called Ipswich Town.
39:44Has Ipswich got a cathedral?
39:45Look, I'm feeling very ganged up on my...
39:46LAUGHTER
39:47I'm from Ipswich, I've suffered enough.
39:48Have you noticed...
39:49Have you noticed...
39:50Have you noticed a cathedral in Ipswich?
39:51No.
39:52Has Ipswich got one?
39:53No.
39:54A tortoise called Ginger that ran away to find love what?
40:00A tortoise called Ginger that ran away to find love says,
40:01First of all, my name's not Ginger, I didn't run away and I'm happily married.
40:05This is fake news. Yes, you're right.
40:07A tortoise called Ginger that ran away to find love
40:11is found a year later about a mile away.
40:15After her long-term relationship with a tortoise called Fred ended,
40:18Ginger made a getaway across the countryside
40:21before ending up behind a local park.
40:24We've all been in relationships like that.
40:27You've just got to hold on.
40:29This is all very familiar.
40:30I mean, I had a tortoise when I was a child.
40:31I had to let them go in the end.
40:33It was all too hectic for me.
40:36Next, apart from what?
40:38I love roller skating.
40:40Falling over on very hard surfaces, apart from wearing roller skates.
40:43Yeah, I mean, basically, yeah.
40:44What? Yes, you're right.
40:46Knee pads, breaking my wrists.
40:47Yeah, you're basically right.
40:48You're, I'd say, entirely right.
40:50Apart from breaking both wrists, breaking my shin,
40:53breaking my tailbone, breaking my ankle and several concussions,
40:57I love roller skating.
40:59This is veteran skater Jeff Scholl.
41:02He told Rollerrag,
41:03I've had more concussions than my doctors are happier.
41:06LAUGHTER
41:07Adding, I've also had more concussions than my doctors are happier.
41:11LAUGHTER
41:12Next, what proves too much for the residents of Hemel Hempstead?
41:16Oh, this is a new roundabout, isn't it?
41:18Yeah. New roundabout design.
41:19You've got paths for cyclists, paths for pedestrians,
41:21and it's very complicated.
41:23Exactly right, yes.
41:25New roundabout proves too much for the residents of Hemel Hempstead.
41:28Here is the roundabout.
41:30You can't quite make it out, but at the edge of one of those crossings
41:33is an old woman with some shopping,
41:35and she's going to be there for eight years.
41:37LAUGHTER
41:38It's not the rock in your roll, it's the glide in your slide.
41:40LAUGHTER
41:41What?!
41:42LAUGHTER
41:43Beginners to the world of roller skating should remember the saying,
41:44don't go near the jungle, because to a tiger you're mules on wheels.
41:46LAUGHTER
41:47Should remember the saying, you look like a tosser.
41:48LAUGHTER
41:49LAUGHTER
41:50These are all very good. Yeah.
41:51Sadly, it's not the rock in your roll, it's the glide in your slide.
41:53It's not the rock in your roll, it's the glide in your slide.
41:55LAUGHTER
41:56What?!
41:57You should remember the saying, you look like a tosser.
42:02LAUGHTER
42:05These are all very good.
42:08Sadly, the answer is, beginners to the world of roller skating
42:11should remember the saying, drill it till you kill it.
42:14LAUGHTER
42:15Drill it till you kill it, also being Donald Trump's environmental policy.
42:19LAUGHTER
42:20So, the final scores are, Ian and Kelly have seven, Paul and Jack, eight.
42:26Eight. Oh, my God.
42:28APPLAUSE
42:31But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
42:35Oh, yeah, the animal saying, Oi, Attenborough, how do you like it?
42:38LAUGHTER
42:41On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
42:44Ian Hislop and Kelly Cates, Paul Merton and Jack Dee,
42:47and I leave you with news that, in London,
42:49as she arrived for a visit to the Royal Horticultural Society,
42:52the Queen is briefed by her undercover protection team.
42:55LAUGHTER
42:58At a theatre in Moscow, ahead of an evening of jazz standards,
43:01the headline act warms the audience up
43:03with a few hilarious career-based anecdotes.
43:06LAUGHTER
43:09At a historical re-enactment in Warwick,
43:12there's complaints that some participants
43:14are overdoing the ornamental codpieces.
43:17LAUGHTER
43:20And backstage at the TV Quick Awards,
43:25two stylists discuss her options after overdoing the temperature setting
43:29on Claudia Winkleman's hairdryer.
43:31LAUGHTER
43:33LAUGHTER
43:35Good night.
43:36APPLAUSE
43:37MUSIC PLAYS
43:40MUSIC PLAYS
43:42MUSIC PLAYS
43:47MUSIC PLAYS
43:48MUSIC PLAYS