Have.I.Got.A.Bit.More.News.For.You.S69E09
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00:00Paul, remember when I was here and it was still the election?
00:02And we was like, America might do the right thing.
00:04Yes.
00:05Remember that?
00:08That was great.
00:09That was a good time.
00:30Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:51I'm Roy Wood Jr.
00:53In the news this week, in Tokyo, at the world's first robot cafe,
00:57the inventor regrets getting A.I. to learn from British workers.
01:09Elton John denies he's overindulging his pet dog
01:13as he takes little Sasha for a tapeworm injection.
01:22And after Eamon Holmes announces a new travel show in Japan,
01:25an exclusive preview sees him enjoy a dish of fermented soybeans
01:29before taking a trip on the iconic bullet train.
01:38On Ian's team tonight, an actor and comedian who has five children,
01:41or as Boris Johnson would put it, hardly any.
01:44Please welcome Bill's Clive.
01:50On Paul's team tonight, a journalist and broadcaster who hails from Scotland,
01:55or as we Americans call it, the land of Mel Gibson.
01:58Please welcome Kirstie Ward.
02:05Now, as always, we begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:08Paul and Kirstie, what's this aboot?
02:11OK.
02:12Oh, yes, obviously, this is Canada, Mounties.
02:14Oh!
02:15You're the pilot.
02:16My wife didn't get a gin and tonic.
02:19Village people are making an appearance.
02:23My wife didn't get a gin and tonic.
02:28This is King Charles in Canada.
02:30Yes, indeed.
02:31This is King Charles' speech to the Canadian Parliament,
02:34warning that Canada is not for sale,
02:37nor will it be handed over to America as the 51st state.
02:41Canada will remain as free as it's been
02:43since Britain stole it from the First Nations and the French.
02:48Americans always make fun of Canadians, don't they?
02:50Yeah.
02:50Yeah, because why not?
02:53They're sort of like a better version of America, aren't they, Canada?
02:56Canadians are Americans who, like, do their homework
02:59and they're, like, nice to people and stuff.
03:01Yeah.
03:02Yeah, I can see the problem there.
03:04Yeah.
03:05And they've got gun controls, haven't they?
03:07Well, they've got guns, but they don't use them.
03:08They don't use them, yeah.
03:09See? They got them, but they don't use them.
03:10And that's why they're boring, like...
03:11LAUGHTER
03:12Would you want a boring president at the moment?
03:15I would love a boring president at the moment.
03:17LAUGHTER
03:18APPLAUSE
03:20I would love it.
03:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:25What traditional Canadian activity
03:26that King Charles partake in while over there...
03:29Ice hockey.
03:30No shoeing.
03:30Ryan Gosling.
03:31LAUGHTER
03:33Is that an activity?
03:35LAUGHTER
03:37LAUGHTER
03:39King Charles was offered a puck, um...
03:42Yeah, ice hockey, yeah.
03:43Yeah. When you visit America, I don't know if you know
03:45about any of our traditions, but when you visit America,
03:47we allow you to deport one immigrant, and that's...
03:50LAUGHTER
03:51LAUGHTER
03:53Are you going to get back in, do you think, when you go back to America?
03:56Oh, no, I'm going to be back before this airs.
03:58Oh, right.
03:59LAUGHTER
04:01I'm good, bro.
04:03APPLAUSE
04:05What's the big setback for Trump this time?
04:07Oh, tariffs.
04:08It's taken the courts a long time to come to the decision
04:10that these tariffs are illegal, he's not allowed to impose them.
04:12Trump is basically like most of my uncles, and they're all Pakistani,
04:16so in a very different way, like, he'd just be talking whatever he wants.
04:20Like, bro, my uncle is just like him in the sense that if you let him
04:24lead the free world, my uncle would be there saying,
04:26Greenland, mine.
04:28Canada, give him to me.
04:29Uncle, Canada is not a person.
04:31Give him to me anyway.
04:32Canada is mine, Greenland is mine.
04:34This is what happens when you let them people close to eight
04:36here in the world.
04:37LAUGHTER
04:38On which occasion did Trump display his natural ability, though,
04:42this week, to tailor the right words to the right moment?
04:45Oh, yeah, he posted a thing saying,
04:47Happy Memorial Day, which you don't tend to do when you're
04:50commemorating the dead.
04:51OK, but that wasn't all.
04:52Yeah, no, no, I remember the first bit of it, and he said,
04:55and particularly to all those people who've spent four years
04:58trying to oppose him, miserable left-wing lying toads.
05:02Uh, yes.
05:03Trump posted, um, on his social media,
05:06Happy Memorial Day to all, including the scum!
05:09Also in a speech at Arlington National Cemetery back in the States,
05:17Trump tried to pay a dignified tribute to a fallen army veteran
05:21by saying this.
05:22As a linguist, translator, and cryptologi-ic technician.
05:28Guys, bonus points.
05:32What is a cryptologi-ic?
05:37I don't know, but he said it just like my uncle, too.
05:41All that dicks, I don't know what...
05:45Trump also made a speech to graduates at West Point Academy.
05:48Yes.
05:49Uh, his speech was rambling and incoherent, and guess what?
05:51Mm.
05:52I've got a game for you.
05:53Yeah.
05:54So here we have the mini-tangents of Trump.
06:00Right, what are we meant to do now?
06:02OK.
06:03We're all stunned by the special effects.
06:07I'll get the randomiser going.
06:09It's going to stop on one of the graphics.
06:11You have to tell me what tangent Trump went off on.
06:13Yes.
06:14Fingers on buzzers.
06:15OK.
06:16Here's the first one.
06:21All right.
06:22That's a stealth bomber.
06:23OK, but what was the tangent?
06:24Like, how did he...?
06:25We've got a stealth bomber, but you can see it.
06:28No, he said, no, we've got a stealth bomber, but, you know,
06:31you can't see a stealth bomber, so we actually don't know
06:32how many we've got.
06:33No.
06:34Did he say the Qataris are giving him a free stealth bomber?
06:37In gold.
06:38With taps.
06:39Let's take a look.
06:40We are buying you new airplanes, brand-new beautiful planes,
06:53redesigned planes, brand-new planes, totally stealth planes.
06:58I hope they're stealth.
06:59I don't know.
07:00That whole stealth thing, I'm sort of wondering.
07:02I mean, if we shape a wing this way, they don't see it,
07:05but the other way they see it, I'm not so sure.
07:08That's what they told me.
07:13I think, at this point, the president,
07:15they could just take him out to an empty runway and just point
07:17and be like, it's 15 stealth bombers, right this.
07:19All right, here's the next one.
07:21Yeah.
07:26Well, that's Al Capone, famously a big criminal in Chicago
07:29who got done for tax avoidance in the end.
07:32Mm-hm.
07:33In the past, he's talked about how Al Capone got treated
07:35better than he does.
07:37Let's see.
07:38And I say, I was investigated more than the great, late
07:42Alphonse Capone.
07:44Alphonse Capone was a monster.
07:46He was a very hardened criminal.
07:48I went through more investigations than Alphonse Capone,
07:52and now I'm talking to you as president.
07:54Can you believe this?
07:55LAUGHTER
07:59And Al Capone was investigated for tax.
08:01Yes.
08:02Um, and they found him out because, you know,
08:04he was due to pay some tax, whereas Trump,
08:06such a pathetic failure as a businessman.
08:08He never owed any tax.
08:10LAUGHTER
08:11He never made any money.
08:12Yeah.
08:13It's the reason he hid his tax return for years.
08:16Didn't want anyone to know that he'd never made a profit.
08:19The only man who's ever owned casinos that went bust.
08:22LAUGHTER
08:23Let's do another one.
08:25OK, another one.
08:30Well, Gary Player used to work as a lightning conductor.
08:32OK.
08:33LAUGHTER
08:35What he said about Gary Player,
08:36a hell of a player, a great player, his name was Player,
08:39he was a player.
08:40LAUGHTER
08:41Let's see.
08:42An example is a great athlete, Gary Player, great golfer.
08:46He wasn't as big as the other men that were playing against him.
08:50Great, big, strong guys.
08:52Gary was a smaller guy.
08:54He gets a little angry at people
08:56because he hits the ball just as far.
08:58He said,
08:59I hit the ball further than them.
09:01Why am I small?
09:03LAUGHTER
09:05Here's the thing that's crazy about this.
09:07Keep this in mind.
09:08Those clips are from the same speech.
09:11LAUGHTER
09:13I mean, it's a problem for him doing a graduation, though,
09:16at a military academy, isn't it?
09:17Because he didn't do any military service...
09:20No.
09:21..due to having bone spurs.
09:23Yeah.
09:24Which must be hurting.
09:25Yes.
09:26Badly now.
09:27I think they've grown into his brain over the years.
09:29LAUGHTER
09:30Now, to be fair to my president,
09:34Trump wasn't all mad last week.
09:37He had one realisation that was actually reasonable
09:40and I would even say good.
09:42What was that realisation that...
09:44Putin's gone crazy?
09:45Was that the one?
09:46Yeah, he noticed that Putin is a bad guy.
09:49Yeah.
09:50Which has taken him a very long time.
09:52Up to that point, he thought he was one of the good guys.
09:54Yeah.
09:55So he called him crazy.
09:56Thoughts which he then doubled down on
09:58and amplified to reporters.
10:00Yeah, I'll give you an update.
10:01I'm not happy with what Putin's doing.
10:03He's killing a lot of people
10:05and I don't know what the hell happened to Putin.
10:07I've known him a long time.
10:08Always gotten along with him.
10:10But he's sending rockets into cities and killing people
10:14and I don't like it at all.
10:16And something happened to this guy and I don't like it.
10:19LAUGHTER
10:20These two bodyguards in the background
10:22aren't taking their job particularly seriously, are they?
10:24LAUGHTER
10:26Do you think Putin's scared when he watches this video?
10:29Or do you think he laughs until he can't stop?
10:32LAUGHTER
10:33It's pathetic!
10:35That's the leader of the free world.
10:37God!
10:38I don't like it.
10:40He's a three-year-old in a hat.
10:42LAUGHTER
10:44APPLAUSE
10:46There's a suggestion that Trump isn't as tough as he likes to think.
10:53What acronym is being used to describe Trump now?
10:57Bob, the big orange baby.
10:59LAUGHTER
11:00Oh, those are old. There's a new one.
11:01There's a new...
11:02Oh, right.
11:03Trump acronym.
11:04OK, I'll give you your hand.
11:05It's TACO.
11:06But you tell me what TACO stands for.
11:08Tough as crumble.
11:10Only.
11:11LAUGHTER
11:12Tosspot arsehole.
11:13Can't think of one percent.
11:14LAUGHTER
11:15TACO stands for Trump always chickens out.
11:16Oh!
11:17And Trump has described the acronym as nasty.
11:19LAUGHTER
11:20I like the American comedian who said he used to be known as POTUS
11:37and now he's known as Des-POTUS.
11:39LAUGHTER
11:41This is King Charles at Canada's state opening of Parliament.
11:45During the royal visit, King Charles planted a tree in Ottawa, thank God,
11:50because Canada finally is getting some much-needed trees.
11:55LAUGHTER
11:57Trump's performance at West Point was criticised on social media
12:00with one user describing the speech as a midlife crisis.
12:04LAUGHTER
12:05Midlife!
12:07LAUGHTER
12:08All right, Ian and Gus, here's yours.
12:12That's the new nationalised train, that's the Transport Secretary,
12:15don't worry, another one along in a minute.
12:17LAUGHTER
12:19And that's Old Clip of British Rail and him saying,
12:22remember, take the car.
12:24LAUGHTER
12:26We've got a new nationalised railway.
12:28OK.
12:29Which has been coming a long time.
12:30And it's first day out, you're looking sad.
12:33No, I don't really like trains, that's all it is.
12:36LAUGHTER
12:38What do they do to you? What are the trains?
12:40No, I just got bad memories, you know?
12:43Like, when I was a kid, the only way we could get on trains
12:45is really just getting there without paying.
12:47And then there was a technique where you would hide in the toilet
12:50to try and get away with a fare,
12:52and there was just one particular time
12:54when there was, like, eight of us hiding in the toilet.
12:56LAUGHTER
12:57And one of the dudes who joined us in the toilet,
12:59we didn't know who he was.
13:01LAUGHTER
13:03And it was a very tense journey between Coventry and Birmingham,
13:06that's all I'm going to say.
13:08LAUGHTER
13:09I don't feel like we have enough time to unpack these memories.
13:12LAUGHTER
13:14APPLAUSE
13:16The rail company was Southwestern Railway...
13:19It was.
13:20..which came under state ownership at 1.59am on Sunday.
13:24Followed by an announcement that the 2.27am
13:26from Guilford to London Waterloo had been cancelled.
13:31LAUGHTER
13:32The first scheduled train...
13:33Yes.
13:34..that was actually there was, um, from Woking.
13:37Yes.
13:38And it got as far as Surbiton.
13:39Mm.
13:40And then there was a bus replacement.
13:41LAUGHTER
13:42And I have to say, this is just for the interest of balance...
13:44Yes.
13:45..when they privatised the rail service,
13:47the first train, there was a big hoo-ha,
13:50first privatised train...
13:52..it was cancelled.
13:54I'm just saying for balance.
13:56LAUGHTER
13:57Despite the replacement bus,
13:58many of the passengers were thoroughly enjoying the journey.
14:01Oh.
14:02What made the journey so enjoyable?
14:03There are a lot of train spotters on board.
14:05Yeah.
14:06Bus spotters.
14:07LAUGHTER
14:08Several train enthusiasts were delighted
14:10to be aboard the historic journey,
14:12including Rob Potter,
14:14who celebrated the occasion with a Laphroic single malt.
14:18Great!
14:19Let's get a picture of old Rob up on the screen.
14:21He's still on the train.
14:22Yeah.
14:23That's a 5.30 in the morning train.
14:24Do not count.
14:25Moving on from British Transport.
14:26Yeah.
14:27Who wants to see a dog on a motorbike?
14:28Oh, yeah.
14:29There we go.
14:30Let's do that.
14:31I've never seen that with the whole harnessing thing before,
14:32but, yeah, you can't...
14:33Unfortunately, you can't be riding around
14:34with a dog in between your arms or that.
14:36Did you notice that hesitation when he said between?
14:38Yeah.
14:39There's a lot of fur in there.
14:54Meanwhile, in water news...
15:06Yeah.
15:07Do y'all just think I can't handle the good stories?
15:10Yeah.
15:11You're just thinking...
15:12They find Thames water.
15:14Yeah.
15:15Yes.
15:16Over and over and over.
15:17Millions and millions.
15:18Yeah, absolutely.
15:19It's about time.
15:20They found him.
15:22Because they were going to give dividends out again.
15:26They'd given dividends out to their shareholders,
15:28which were massive on the last two occasions,
15:30and that's when the rig row started.
15:32And the man in charge appeared in front of the select committee
15:35and said, we had to give out these huge bonuses and dividends
15:39because the shareholders insisted.
15:41And then a day later, he said, oh, yes,
15:43when I said the shareholders insisted, I meant they agreed
15:45when we told them we were going to do it.
15:47He said he misspoke, which is a new word, which means lied.
15:52Who else has come in for criticism after announcing a spending splurge?
15:59Nigel Farage.
16:00Yeah.
16:01And Keir Starmer has said that if he's adopting Liz Trump's...
16:05Liz Trump, that's a very good mistake.
16:08Liz Trump, did I say it?
16:10I see the two are very similar.
16:13He announced his new brilliant ideas for Britain.
16:16Yes.
16:17He got out a fag packet, looked at the back of it,
16:19and there it all was.
16:21Yeah.
16:22What you've got to do is we've got to cut taxes
16:24and increase spending.
16:26Yes.
16:27Brilliant.
16:28Yes.
16:29Nigel Farage listed a number of reform tax and welfare policies
16:31in a major speech, which, according to the Institute of Fiscal Studies,
16:34could cost up to $85 billion.
16:37But how did Farage say he's going to pay for all of this?
16:41He said we're going to scrap net zero.
16:44OK.
16:45And that'll save $40 billion, which he won't.
16:48It's about six, I think, tops.
16:50And then he said we're going to have efficiency in the civil service,
16:53we're going to have net zero immigration,
16:55we're going to stop immigrants living in hotels,
16:58and this will make $350 billion zillion pounds, literally.
17:02This all sounds like very familiar policies that I've heard.
17:05Yeah.
17:06Yeah.
17:07Yes, I'm pretty sure that he also wants to put up a wall
17:09between the UK and Mexico at the board.
17:15He's going to bring in Elon Musk.
17:17Yeah.
17:18He's the man.
17:19Yeah, that's good work.
17:20Maybe Elon is on his way over here.
17:21Absolutely.
17:22Maybe that's why Elon quit working with Truss.
17:24Yeah.
17:25Good luck!
17:28Is it fair to compare Farage to Truss?
17:31Yes.
17:32Exactly.
17:33He's madder.
17:34That's a bold statement.
17:35Madder than Liz Truss.
17:36No.
17:37What ever happened to that brother that Liz Truss used to roll with?
17:40Do you remember?
17:41The Chancellor.
17:42Kwarty Kwarty?
17:43Yeah.
17:44Kwarty Kwarty.
17:45Is he all right?
17:46Like, I've just never heard him again.
17:48He was around for a bit and then Kwarty was gone.
17:50I'm worried about him, really.
17:51Yeah.
17:52He moved to America, but the initials KK were a bit of a problem,
17:54so he came back again.
17:57Does anyone remember High Wycom MP Steve Baker?
18:01You know Wycom.
18:02High Wycom.
18:03High Wycom.
18:04High Wycom.
18:05High Wycom.
18:06High Wycom.
18:07It's also known as the Gulf of Wycom, if you can help me.
18:13High Wycom MP Steve Baker.
18:15Yeah.
18:16What has he been telling the Politico website?
18:18How to pronounce Wycom.
18:23Come on, bro.
18:24We don't know.
18:26Tell us, Roy.
18:27No, Steve Baker's been complaining about the inadequate payoffs
18:29that MPs get when they lose their seat, and is calling for a
18:33one year's redundancy pay instead of the four months that they
18:37currently get to get us over the horrible process of actually
18:40getting a job.
18:42And he continued and said, as soon as I apply, they know who I am.
18:47They do the Googling and they don't want me.
18:49Staying in High Wycom.
18:52Yeah.
18:53Wycom?
18:54Did I say it right that time?
18:55Yeah.
18:56Yeah, you said it.
18:57All right.
18:58Staying in High Wycom.
18:59What traditional custom have the MPs of Wycom been forced
19:05to take part in?
19:06Oh, is it lobbying for PPE contracts?
19:09They've been taking part in the traditional annual weigh-in
19:14when dating back to the 17th century, public officials are weighed
19:19in an ornate chair to establish whether or not they're getting
19:22fatter each year.
19:24You know?
19:25Here's some film of the annual tradition from back in the day.
19:29Oh, we knew what to cheer in those days.
19:44There's one person who will be particularly interested in this
19:49story about weight.
19:50I'm about to meet one of the fattest families I've met in my life.
19:54I'm here in the Peak District and about to meet two right
19:57massive fatty siblings who are at the peak of their porkiness.
20:01I'm going to be meeting some right beach blubber bellies.
20:05I'm in Luton Bedfordshire and about to meet three right
20:08jelly-bellied jumbos.
20:09Mr. and Mrs. Massive fatty.
20:16What y'all be watching over here?
20:20What show?
20:21That was a hit show.
20:22No, it wasn't.
20:26All right, so this is the first railway franchise to be nationalized
20:29by the Labour government.
20:31Journalists were keen to bombard Transport Secretary Heidi
20:34Alexander with questions, but were thwarted as in a political
20:38masterstroke, she went and sat in the quiet carriage.
20:43Time now for round two.
20:45Yeah.
20:46This is going to be my favorite round.
20:48We're calling this the Star Spangled Hammer.
20:53Fingers on buzzers, teens.
20:55Let's do it.
20:56What do you see right there?
21:02For the sake of filling in the gap, we don't know.
21:05This is the news that the Gloucester services has been voted
21:08Britain's favorite motorway service station.
21:12That's my favorite one too.
21:14Yeah.
21:15Any time I'm riding through Gloucester.
21:17Where is that?
21:18Gloucester over there about off the M40.
21:21You know the one.
21:22Yeah.
21:23It's right next to High Wycombe.
21:24Yeah.
21:25It's right around the corner.
21:26Here's what it looks like on the inside.
21:30Uh, posh.
21:31Yes.
21:32Oh, God.
21:33But is there a KFC there?
21:35If there's no KFC, then this is no...
21:39Which one was voted least favorite in Britain?
21:43Was it...
21:45Cobham.
21:46Cobham?
21:47You're not clacky.
21:48Bridgewater services in Somerset, also on the M5,
21:51came at the bottom at 23 percent approval rating.
21:54Here it is.
21:56That's terrible.
21:57That's somebody's house.
22:00But you know what, brother?
22:01There's a KFC there so...
22:04According to the Daily Mail, it was described by
22:06one visitor as smelling like stale urine.
22:10Ew.
22:11Ew.
22:12Send the dignity of Fresh Piss.
22:17While we're on the subject, who fancies a game
22:19of name that service station?
22:26Fingers on the buzzers.
22:28Here we go.
22:29Which service station, one of the largest in the UK,
22:31opened in 1993 between junctions five and six
22:34at the M25 in Surrey and was originally
22:36going to be called Titsy Wood?
22:38No, they're having you on here, I think.
22:42Ian, you mentioned it earlier.
22:44Was it Cobham Services or is it Clacket Lane?
22:46Clacket Lane Services!
22:48No!
22:50This is unbelievable. It's unbelievable.
22:52Next. Which service station opened on the M5 in 1966?
22:55M5 again? 1966.
22:58Oh. Between the Quentin Interchange at Junction 3
23:00and at the 838 at Junction 4.
23:03You want just the name of it? You want a name, OK.
23:04Or you want the place?
23:05Name the service station!
23:08Boring Wood Services.
23:12It's frankly services!
23:14And frankly, I'm disappointed that y'all are good!
23:20When she said Boring Wood, that wasn't a personal criticism.
23:23How do y'all not know this?
23:25How do I know more about your country than you?
23:29Which service station sits a mile west of Junction 17
23:32on the M4 between Bristol and Swindon
23:35and was once described as unquestionably the Xanadu of the M4?
23:41I got the answer to this. Who gives a fuck?
23:43LAUGHTER
23:45It is the lead Delamere.
23:52Thankfully, that is the end of name that service station.
23:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
24:00Let's go back to the news.
24:03What else has been going on in Gloucestershire this week?
24:05Is it a cheese rolling?
24:06Oh, God!
24:07That was fantastic!
24:08Absolutely.
24:09The annual cheese rolling contest at Cooper's Hill took place this weekend.
24:14And a wonderful, wonderful, quaint English tradition.
24:18Take a look.
24:19LAUGHTER
24:22LAUGHTER
24:24LAUGHTER
24:27LAUGHTER
24:32LAUGHTER
24:37LAUGHTER
24:39You can only do stuff like that when you have...
24:42You're in a country with good healthcare.
24:44Yes.
24:46That's...
24:48LAUGHTER
24:50What did one of the winners have to say after the race?
24:53Aww!
25:00LAUGHTER
25:02I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm...
25:05It was a dream come true because he won it the year before as well.
25:08Yep.
25:08old Tom Kopke retained his title
25:10from last year. There he is. He said
25:12after the race, all the people at the top
25:14said they were going to steal my title, but this
25:16is mine. I've worked for this.
25:18I risked my life for this.
25:20It's my cheese.
25:23According to the BBC, after the race,
25:25several people were taken to the
25:26hospital to have their heads checked.
25:32This is the
25:33news that Gloucester Services has
25:34been voted Britain's best.
25:36According to the Daily Mail, in a survey of
25:38motorway service stations across the
25:40UK, the company Moto was
25:42responsible for some of the worst
25:44rated, filling nine of
25:46the table's ten bottom spots,
25:49which is also what you'll get from their toilet
25:50seats.
25:55Fingers on buzzers, team.
25:56Yeah.
26:02That's clearly Roger Moore's James Bond
26:04with a sort of like a tool
26:06kit around his belt. Is it the new
26:08James Bond film, licensed to put together
26:10Ikea furniture?
26:11License to drill!
26:12License to drill.
26:13There's no drill there.
26:14This is news that MI5 are looking to hire a carpenter.
26:22According to the Times, the successful recruit will be deployed in the field to help on top secret missions by installing bugging devices in furniture and door frames.
26:33It could change the famous dialogue in Goldfinger.
26:35It could change the famous dialogue in Goldfinger.
26:36Do you expect me to talk?
26:37No, we expect you to make a coffee table.
26:41What are some of the perks of the job?
26:43What are some of the perks of the job?
26:45What are some of the perks of the job?
26:47Practical, I would say.
26:48Something useful.
26:49Where are they advertising for this job?
26:51CheckerTrade.com.
26:52I don't really think like...
26:54B&Q.
26:55B&Q, right?
26:56Just stick it in a window.
26:57In a window.
26:58Well, you don't want B&Q because Q does a lot of the armbar.
27:00LAUGHTER
27:02Yeah, yeah.
27:04OK.
27:05This is the news that MI5 are looking to hire an in-house carpenter.
27:10The starting salary is £43,000 or £40,000 cash.
27:14LAUGHTER
27:16Fingers on buzzers, team.
27:21Yes.
27:22I think I'm reading the wrong newspapers.
27:27This is the news that one in three people aged 18 to 24
27:31could not identify a hole punch.
27:34According to one Gen Z office worker,
27:36young people don't use paper that much.
27:38Yes.
27:39When told that a hole punch was used to put A4 paper into ring binders,
27:43some asked, what is a ring binder?
27:45LAUGHTER
27:47Of the 1,000 18 to 24-year-olds that were surveyed,
27:50what were some of the other stationary items
27:53that they were perplexed about?
27:54A rubber.
27:56Um...
27:57Well, you wouldn't call it a rubber.
27:58Yeah, I was like, whoa.
27:59An eraser.
28:01LAUGHTER
28:02I got the condoms on the stationary eye?
28:08Oh, an eraser.
28:09OK, rubber, all right.
28:11Yeah, yeah.
28:12Say this when you say rubber to me.
28:14Yeah, that hand movement doesn't help.
28:16LAUGHTER
28:19You don't need a rubber if you're doing that.
28:23You don't need that.
28:24LAUGHTER
28:25Oh, dear me.
28:27LAUGHTER
28:28They were baffled by pencil sharpeners and paper clips.
28:32I like a pencil.
28:33Do you?
28:34Yeah.
28:35I do an HB2.
28:36In other news...
28:37Yeah.
28:38Yeah.
28:39Unfortunately...
28:40No, the HB2 joke's been delayed.
28:43LAUGHTER
28:44LAUGHTER
28:49LAUGHTER
28:50In other news, what traditional British food
28:52has become popular amongst Gen Z?
28:56Oh, God.
28:57It's not tripe, is it?
29:00Points.
29:01Ugh!
29:02Tripe? What?
29:03It's tripe!
29:04No!
29:05It's tripe!
29:06Yeah!
29:07Apparently, the stomach line or whatever it is, apparently,
29:09tripe tastes great when cooked in an air fryer.
29:12According to a survey, other classic British foods,
29:15and I use that phrase cautiously...
29:17LAUGHTER
29:18..is other classic British foods that are making a comeback,
29:22such as liver and onions and spam fritters.
29:25Oh.
29:26Why would you fritter it, though?
29:28I...I'm afraid I'm...I'm not Nigella.
29:31LAUGHTER
29:32I really...
29:33Do you think Ian has ever had a spam fritter in his life?
29:36LAUGHTER
29:37Everything we just talked about,
29:38I feel like you just add chlorine to make it happen.
29:40LAUGHTER
29:42Over in France...
29:43Yeah.
29:44What food are young people saying non to?
29:47Foie gras.
29:48Snails?
29:49A survey revealed...
29:51Mm-hm.
29:52..that young people in France do not like smelly cheese
29:55as much as their parents.
29:57According to the president of One Cheese Association,
30:00Véronique Roche-Le Rouge...
30:02I assume that's French.
30:04Um...
30:05LAUGHTER
30:06Le Rouge said,
30:07Young children are now given highly processed cheese
30:10that has no taste.
30:12We're becoming increasingly sanitized
30:14and Americanized.
30:16LAUGHTER
30:17First off, Véronique, watch your mouth.
30:20LAUGHTER
30:21Number two,
30:22the reason why Americans eat cheese out of a can
30:25is because we work 50 hours,
30:27we don't have time
30:28to chase our cheese down a hill.
30:30LAUGHTER
30:34I stand with France.
30:35Yes.
30:36Why have the Macrones made the news this week?
30:38Yes, this is very good.
30:39They were coming down...
30:40They had arrived in a plane,
30:41they were coming down the steps,
30:42but before they came down the steps,
30:43they opened the door,
30:44just as she sort of, like, pushed him away,
30:46and then he sort of, like, was about to retaliate
30:48or react to her and realised he was on camera,
30:50so he sort of went...
30:52LAUGHTER
30:54Yeah, it was wild to see.
30:55As a matter of fact, we have the tape,
30:56let's take a look at it.
30:57Yeah.
30:58LAUGHTER
31:03LAUGHTER
31:05LAUGHTER
31:07LAUGHTER
31:09But the French...
31:10Yes.
31:11..the Elysee initially said,
31:12this is fake news,
31:13this is the Russians...
31:14AI.
31:15..that put out some fake news.
31:17And then they had to backtrack and say,
31:19yeah, when we say it was fake news,
31:20we mean it happened.
31:21Yes.
31:22But it was playful couple's banter.
31:23Yeah.
31:24Yes.
31:25Of the type we all indulge in.
31:26LAUGHTER
31:27Well, I have pushed Macron several times.
31:30LAUGHTER
31:31This is the news that young people are struggling
31:34with the concept of a hole punch.
31:36To be fair these days,
31:37where would you even find a hole punch,
31:39or a fax machine,
31:40apart from the private eye office?
31:42LAUGHTER
31:43APPLAUSE
31:45Although even in the private eye office,
31:48Ian's the only one that can work the quill sharpener.
31:50LAUGHTER
31:52The idea that I would sharpen my own quills.
31:55Yeah.
31:56LAUGHTER
31:59I'm just saying,
32:00my supposed reputation for being highbrow,
32:03I got an absolute flood of letters,
32:05cos in last week's issue...
32:07Yes.
32:08..I said the theme tune for the Eurovision Song Contest...
32:10Yes.
32:11..was Handel.
32:12Yeah.
32:13It wasn't, it was Charpentier.
32:14Yes.
32:15Can you believe it?
32:16You idiot.
32:17Oh!
32:18I mean, it was his TDM,
32:19and I haven't been able to go out in the streets
32:20and look anywhere.
32:21LAUGHTER
32:22I just feel an utter fool.
32:24And these letters, they kept coming in.
32:26One...
32:27Yeah.
32:28..and another one.
32:29Two...
32:30LAUGHTER
32:31APPLAUSE
32:33Time now for the odd one out round.
32:35Just one between you this week.
32:36They are Warrant Officer First Class Matt Howarth,
32:39Johan Hillberg's neighbour,
32:40a natterjack toad in the South Downs,
32:43and Ed Davey.
32:45BUZZER
32:46Ed Davey's done well in the local elections.
32:48He's at a comeback.
32:49Natterjack toads have come back.
32:51Yeah, he's standing for reform.
32:53He won.
32:54LAUGHTER
32:55Natterjack toads have come back.
32:5725 toadlets were found in some national park.
33:01You have no idea, do you?
33:02No.
33:03No.
33:04Do you know?
33:05To be honest with you,
33:06I haven't really paid attention to the news.
33:08LAUGHTER
33:09But I feel grossly underprepared.
33:11I'm trying to figure out why the Ed Davey picture,
33:14why is he grabbing imaginary boobs?
33:16LAUGHTER
33:18Because he clearly enjoys it.
33:23I don't think any of us know.
33:25They've all been disturbed by a loud noise,
33:27apart from the natterjack toad,
33:29which makes a loud noise,
33:31but everybody's delighted to hear it.
33:33Yes.
33:34To Kirsty's point, the natterjack toad
33:35has made a remarkable comeback in the South Downs,
33:38following a reintroduction programme.
33:40A total of 28 toadlets have now been counted...
33:43Toadlets?
33:44..at the site in Hampshire,
33:45making it the first time the natterjack toad
33:48has bred in over 50 years.
33:51I like that word, toadlet.
33:52Is that the one after the squiggly one?
33:55The tadpole.
33:56The tadpole.
33:57The squiggly one?
33:58It's a David Attenborough, isn't it?
34:00LAUGHTER
34:01And here, the squiggly one.
34:03Squiggly one.
34:04Which eventually becomes a bigger squiggly one.
34:08How loud is the natterjack?
34:1085 decibels.
34:11Yeah.
34:12Two Brian Blesseds.
34:14LAUGHTER
34:15It can be heard up to a mile away.
34:18PHONE RINGS
34:19That's what it sounds like.
34:20PHONE RINGS
34:21I'll get that.
34:22LAUGHTER
34:23What is the toad trying to say in that call, right?
34:27I'm a mile away.
34:28LAUGHTER
34:29LAUGHTER
34:30LAUGHTER
34:31APPLAUSE
34:33Ed Davey has been disturbed by headphone dodgers,
34:42people who play musical videos out loud on public transport
34:45with no headphones, so he wants to fine offenders 1,000 pounds.
34:50WHOOP!
34:51Now...
34:52Oh!
34:53That finds favour.
34:55If I'm not wrong, Ed Davey is very adept at judo.
34:59I met him once, and you know, he was a very affable-looking uncle,
35:03and then when I shook his hand, he's dense.
35:05That brother is dense.
35:06Yeah.
35:07Yeah.
35:08So I think he should just go onto public transport
35:10and just chop people.
35:11Ta!
35:12Ta!
35:13Play your music loud?
35:14Ta!
35:15Warrant Officer First Class Matt Howarth is disturbed
35:18by the sound of bawling sergeant majors.
35:21He claims that those in charge of training new recruits
35:23need a more diplomatic and tactful approach.
35:27Yes.
35:28He wants them to adopt a style that is more Beckham.
35:32David Beckham never seemed to raise his voice during his time
35:35as a football captain and was always approachable.
35:38Is that really going to work?
35:40On the parade ground?
35:42Hi, everyone.
35:43Can we turn right?
35:48Is that right, Victoria?
35:50Astonishing!
35:54Astonishing!
35:56You've had that in your locker for the last 35 years.
36:00A David Beckham impression.
36:01Just thought I'd bring it out tonight.
36:02Yeah, well, that's it.
36:03And a David Beckham impression at the same time.
36:05It's great.
36:06It's good.
36:08What has Johan Helberg's neighbour got to do with the price of fish?
36:12The picture indicates a boat went into his back garden.
36:15And what did he do?
36:16He was put off by the red arrow pointing down where he should dock.
36:20Johan Helberg, who failed to wake up when a 135-metre container ship
36:25crashed into his garden, coming to rest just five metres from his bedroom.
36:30Here it is.
36:31Let's get it closer.
36:32Yeah.
36:33According to the Independent, Helberg was eventually woken at 5 a.m. by the sound of the neighbour
36:41ringing the doorbell.
36:43How loud is that doorbell?
36:47The police said there is one person on the boat who has been identified as a suspect.
36:52Yeah, I'm guessing it's the dude with the hat that says Captain on it.
36:57Or it's possibly the crew member that suddenly decided to leave the gigantic ship on a much smaller ship.
37:06They've all been disturbed by a loud noise apart from the natterjack toad, which makes a loud noise.
37:18But everyone is delighted to hear that noise.
37:20The natterjack toad is easily recognizable due to its distinctive yellow stripe, which runs down the center of their back.
37:27It's a key to their survival, as it also stops cars from parking on them.
37:32A Norwegian man woke up to find a huge container ship in his garden after it crashed and ran aground.
37:37Here's a photo of the incident.
37:39To be fair, we've all got drunk and ordered too much stuff on Amazon.
37:44Okay, time now for Missing Words Round, which this week features its guest publication, local news magazine Cumbia Crack.
37:53It's not a drug reference, so don't go ringing them up asking for Charlie, as you'll just get a junior reporter.
37:59We'll start with, surprise as what spotted in tree in Keswick?
38:04My name is Duchess of Argyle.
38:07Leaf.
38:10Surprise as 86-year-old woman spotted in tree in Keswick.
38:16Yes.
38:17This is 86-year-old Margaret O'Neill, who went on a treetop adventure at a local GoApe.
38:22GoApe is not the only new experience Margaret has taken up recently.
38:25According to Cumbia Crack, she even went stand-up paddleboarding last year and fell in so many times she was almost made leader of the Liberal Democrats.
38:35Next.
38:39Britt's her second best in the world at what, just behind Americans?
38:43Pronouncing High Wickham.
38:45Brits are second best in the world at swearing, just behind Americans.
39:05What a load of fucking rubbish.
39:07One of the politest nations in the study is Hong Kong, where banned words include fuck, shit and democracy.
39:16Next.
39:20What on petrol station forecourt proves popular?
39:24Uh, petrol.
39:25Petrol pump.
39:27KFC.
39:2886-year-old Roman in tree.
39:34The answer, milk vending machine on petrol station forecourt proves popular.
39:39How is this a headline?
39:41It's the Cumbria Crack, you will not question their journalistic integrity.
39:46Ann Forshaw's milk shed is a new business idea that presents customers with a mobile producer of milk.
39:55That's a cow, isn't it?
39:57Yeah.
39:58Next.
39:59Bollaton Swindon that, what, branded disgusting.
40:04Resemble Mussolini.
40:05Spell out the phrase, up yours Swindon.
40:08Look like they're phallic.
40:10You're close.
40:11It's something else that goes in your mouth.
40:13Not yours.
40:17That's nice talk, isn't it?
40:19That's nice talk.
40:20Not yours.
40:21This is BBC One, you know.
40:25Ah, ah, ah, ah.
40:27Correct.
40:28Bollaton Swindon that, look like cigarettes, branded disgusting.
40:36They are cigarettes.
40:37They are cigarettes.
40:38Next one.
40:39At long last, the residents of the Cumbrian village of Burnside are getting, what,
40:43what?
40:44Sexually aroused.
40:45There's a good looking bloke moved into number 54, and he's single.
40:49At long last, the residents of the Cumbrian village of Burnside are getting wider pipes in their sewer system.
40:57Excellent.
40:58Yes.
40:59Unfortunately, one of those pipes is called Lake Windermere.
41:02Lastly, New Tidying Method says the best way to declutter your home is to what?
41:09Is it ask your children to leave?
41:11New Tidying Method says the best way to declutter your home is to ask yourself, would I keep this if it was covered in effluent?
41:23What?
41:24Does that include your husband?
41:26This idea has been publicized by Amanda Johnson, who is an influencer and content creator, who recommends we all get rid of things that don't serve a purpose.
41:40Which is dangerous words coming from an influencer and content creator.
41:49So the final scores are Ian and Guz have two points, Paul and Kirsty have four points.
41:55Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
42:04Do you think I should stop the ozempic now?
42:11On which note we say thank you to our panelists Ian Hisslop and Guz Khan, Paul Merton and Christy.
42:17On which note we say thank you to our panelists Ian Hisslop and Guz Khan, Paul Merton and Kirsty Wark and I leave you with news that there's a dramatic moment at Crufts as a life is saved using the Heimlich Maneuver.
42:47In his new favorite sport of human snooker.
42:53Snooker?
42:54Yes.
42:55Snooker.
42:56Snooker.
42:57Snooker.
42:58Snooker is right.
42:59In his first favorite sport of human snooker, Hope Leo lines up a very tricky six ball plant.
43:10And in London a familiar face turns up for the reality TV industry's bell end of the year awards.
43:16Good night.
43:20Good night.
43:21Good night.
43:22Good night.
43:23Good night.
43:24Good night.
43:25Good night.
43:26Good night.
43:27Good night.
43:28Good night.
43:29Good night.
43:30Good night.
43:31Good night.
43:32Good night.
43:33Good night.
43:34Good night.
43:35Good night.
43:36Good night.
43:37Good night.
43:38Good night.
43:39Good night.
43:40Good night.
43:41Good night.
43:42Good night.
43:43Good night.
43:44Good night.
43:45Good night.
43:46Good night.
43:47Good night.