Have.I.Got.News.for.You.S69E10
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00:00I'll be right back.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:39Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:41I'm Richard Ayiwadi.
00:42In the news this week, at a leisure centre in Birmingham,
00:45Ozzy Osbourne begins to regret letting Sharon organise
00:48his surprise birthday treat.
01:00At a naval bait in Portsmouth, sailors test a new alarm system
01:04that emits a whistle whenever something undesirable approaches
01:07the ships.
01:17And at an end-of-year graduation party, one guest calls her to me,
01:21you know my idea for a fancy dress costume,
01:23you didn't tell anyone else about it, did you?
01:26LAUGHTER
01:32On Ian's team tonight is a sports broadcaster who will soon
01:34be presenting Match of the Day and, in case you're wondering,
01:37I know as much about football as the next man, who,
01:40unfortunately for her, is Ian Hislop.
01:42LAUGHTER
01:43Please welcome Kelly Cates.
01:45APPLAUSE
01:51On Paul's team tonight is a comedian who, in a recent interview,
01:53bemoaned the general decline in British manners.
01:56So, please give a considerate and respectful welcome
01:58to our very special guest, the supremely funny and talented
02:01bastard, Jack D.
02:03APPLAUSE
02:09We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:11Ian and Kelly, here are yours.
02:14Winston Churchill.
02:15Oh, no, it's Keir Starmer.
02:18Here's a drone.
02:20And...
02:21There's another one.
02:23LAUGHTER
02:25It's Dad's army.
02:27Oh, it really is Dad's army.
02:28LAUGHTER
02:30So, it looks as though they've found a way for the pensioners
02:32to earn their winter fuel payments, doesn't it?
02:34Yes.
02:36Well, we're at war.
02:38Well, give it a moment, Ian.
02:40LAUGHTER
02:41So, this is the Strategic Defence Review.
02:42What did Keir Starmer promise?
02:4512 nuclear subs...
02:47Mm-hm.
02:48..ready to attack...
02:50..someone.
02:51Yes.
02:52I'm not sure who the enemy is now.
02:53It might be the United States.
02:55LAUGHTER
02:56It's apparently anyone who thinks they're hard enough.
02:58LAUGHTER
02:59Anyone who shouts, you and who's army.
03:02Yes.
03:03Which is great, cos there's a load of 18-year-olds
03:05being sent over on their gap year to...
03:07..to go and fight the war for us.
03:09Yeah.
03:10It'd be good if Russia ever attack Iyanapa.
03:12Yeah.
03:13LAUGHTER
03:14We'll be ready for them.
03:15Yeah.
03:17But they're very good with computer games.
03:19Yeah.
03:20So, all the people who are playing Call of Duty will now...
03:23..will now do it for real.
03:25Yeah.
03:26Actually not doing shoot-em-ups.
03:27They'll actually literally be...
03:28Yeah.
03:29They'll be fighting from home.
03:30Yeah.
03:31I'm at war.
03:32I can't come now.
03:33LAUGHTER
03:34We will fight them from the bedroom.
03:36Yeah.
03:37LAUGHTER
03:38Right now, actually, certain sections of the army
03:40are ready to strike at a moment's notice.
03:42BUZZER
03:43BUZZER
03:44BUZZER
03:45BUZZER
03:46BUZZER
03:47BUZZER
03:48BUZZER
03:49BUZZER
03:50BUZZER
03:52APPLAUSE
03:54APPLAUSE
03:56Is that a real advert?
04:10That's it.
04:11I directed it.
04:12Did you?
04:13I wish.
04:15Now, in terms of the wider spending review, who else is demanding money from the government?
04:20Everyone?
04:21Yeah.
04:22Teachers?
04:23Sure.
04:24Doctors?
04:25Nurses?
04:26They've got enough, Ian.
04:27Police?
04:28The police?
04:29Thank you, Jack.
04:30The police.
04:31Senior police chiefs have warned that they will have to de-prioritise, adding,
04:35if funding is cut, that means some crimes must be ignored.
04:40How will we tell?
04:41LAUGHTER
04:46In other police news, can anyone tell me what's going on here?
04:50Oh, it's savage cuts.
04:52LAUGHTER
04:55Used to be a bloke under that.
04:58This is Superintendent Paul Allen, who found his missing hat almost 25 years after he lost it.
05:04Funny thing, it was on his head the whole time.
05:06LAUGHTER
05:07No, it wasn't.
05:08I'm just being humorous.
05:09It was found in a quarry in Leicestershire and handed in by a member of the public.
05:14Who decided that was a story?
05:16LAUGHTER
05:18I think the police are so hard up for good news stories.
05:22Yeah, we've sold something, here we go, yeah.
05:25LAUGHTER
05:27Maybe they'll get on to finding my missing motorbike.
05:29No, no, no.
05:30And how do they know it was his hat?
05:32I mean, they look very similar, don't they?
05:34They had his name written on a little name count.
05:36LAUGHTER
05:37Did it?
05:38Or have you just made that up?
05:39God, you're good.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:42He said, we might hand it over to our archivist,
05:46because this story is probably worth telling again...
05:48LAUGHTER
05:50..when I retire.
05:51I wouldn't open the memoir with that.
05:53LAUGHTER
05:54Now, do the police ever wear helmets any more?
05:56Or is it just hats?
05:57What's happened to the helmets?
05:58Apparently there's a quarry with hundreds of them.
06:00LAUGHTER
06:02Right.
06:03Well, this lively conversation has given me an idea...
06:05LAUGHTER
06:06..for a new game, a very fun game, called Hat or Helmet.
06:10Would you like to play?
06:11I'll take that as a yes.
06:12Yeah, sure.
06:13This is how it works.
06:14There'll be some people in the news in a hat or a helmet...
06:16Right.
06:17..and you have to tell me who they are...
06:18Oh, who they are.
06:19OK.
06:20..and why they're in the news.
06:21OK.
06:22Is it a buzz around?
06:23Yeah.
06:24Um, no.
06:25Oh.
06:26It's not a buzz around.
06:27That would make no sense within the format.
06:28OK.
06:29OK, well, I don't know it yet.
06:30Yeah, we don't know the format yet.
06:31I don't know if you're going to show a picture and we had to come in...
06:32Yeah, we are.
06:33But, you know, OK, I'm sorry.
06:34I'm only trying to help out.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:36Ian.
06:37Yes?
06:38You start.
06:39Would you like hat or helmet?
06:40Uh, hat, please.
06:41Let's go for it.
06:43LAUGHTER
06:47It's Robert Jenrick.
06:48It is.
06:49The story is he's been going down the tube,
06:51um...
06:53Literally.
06:54LAUGHTER
06:55He's not the Tory leader, but he'd quite like to be.
06:57So he's leading a campaign against crime,
07:00which is quite amusing.
07:01Yes.
07:02During a property deal with a Tory donor called Richard Desmond.
07:05The judge described him and his behaviour as unlawful.
07:08I just bring that up in the hope that someone, somewhere,
07:11will allow me to say it again.
07:13LAUGHTER
07:15There's a one-man vigilante.
07:16Yes.
07:17On the London Underground, pointing out fair dodgers.
07:20Yeah.
07:21And pointing them out with extreme force.
07:23Yes.
07:24Excuse me.
07:25Do you think it's all right not to pay?
07:26Seriously, why don't you go back to the bar and pay?
07:28Do you want to go back and pay like everybody else?
07:30Do you think it's all right not to pay?
07:31Why don't you go back and pay?
07:32F*** off.
07:33You can say f*** off as much as you want.
07:35On a week.
07:36But everyone else has to pay.
07:37You're carrying a knife, you see.
07:39It's the same with bike theft, phone theft, tool theft,
07:42shoplifting, drugs in town centres, weird Turkish barber shops.
07:47LAUGHTER
07:52I'm confused though.
07:53Is that a barber shop specifically serving weird turks?
07:56That's right.
07:57I mean, whoever gave him that haircut, fair enough.
08:02The key issue is what did Hello Good Morning Susannah Reid think?
08:06She was furious.
08:07She was furious.
08:08Because she said he should have picked up on the fact that someone said
08:11they were carrying a knife because, as she quite rightly said,
08:14if her children were travelling on the tube, she'd much rather they
08:17were sat next to someone who jumped a barrier than someone who was
08:20carrying a knife.
08:21Let's see Susannah put the case herself.
08:24Did you report to the police that you've been told someone was
08:26carrying a knife on the tube?
08:28I haven't done, but...
08:30Why not?
08:31Well, I just...
08:33I didn't feel the need to do that.
08:35Why not?
08:36Well, it's not about me, the video, is it?
08:39You made it all about me.
08:40The video is literally all about you.
08:43You say that, but that's not what happened.
08:46It's you walking around tube stations confronting people.
08:49Whoa, whoa!
08:51Absolutely rinsed.
08:53Got rinsed.
08:54This week, Robert Jenrick tried to bolster his Tory leadership
08:58credentials by filming himself confronting fair dodgers.
09:01According to The Sun, Jenrick was repeatedly told to fuck off.
09:06He then left his house.
09:14See?
09:15What a great round.
09:16Apple helmet.
09:17Is that the end of it?
09:18No, no, no, no.
09:19Jack, hat or helmet?
09:21I'm going to push the envelope now.
09:23Oh, yeah.
09:24It's balaclava.
09:25LAUGHTER
09:26Barry.
09:27Oh, I'm going helmet.
09:28Helmet.
09:29Yeah, go on then.
09:30Let's go for helmet.
09:35What is this?
09:37Er, it's a helmet.
09:39Yeah.
09:40I was right.
09:41It's an ash tree.
09:42It's an ash tree.
09:43It's an ash tree.
09:44That's what's on his head.
09:45To highlight the threat of ash dieback disease for ash trees in Southampton.
09:49Do you know, I think we could probably drop the helmet part of this for me.
09:52LAUGHTER
09:54I think if we drop that, I don't know where we are, Paul.
09:57We're on hat.
09:58OK.
09:59He wore this helmet.
10:00Yes.
10:01It is a helmet.
10:02It is a helmet, yeah.
10:03At an inter-species democracy meeting.
10:05Species which can't speak or vote in elections, and there are too many.
10:09We're represented at a meeting of Southampton Council as part of its campaign to become
10:13a national park city.
10:14Let's take a look at what went down.
10:16I am the foxglove, and I represent all the wildflowers.
10:21I am nettle.
10:22We have been misunderstood.
10:25I am an estuary, and I'm here because estuaries are being cut down because of ash dieback.
10:31Envision a Southampton where people and nature coexist harmoniously.
10:36We acknowledge our respect for you.
10:42Is there much to do in Southampton?
10:45Is that an official council meeting?
10:47It's an inter-species council meeting in Southampton.
10:50That's right.
10:51Where were you, Ian?
10:52LAUGHTER
10:53Kelly?
10:54Yes.
10:55Hat or helmet?
10:56Helmet, please, Richard.
10:57Oh, I really was looking for you to say hat.
11:00Hat, please, Richard.
11:02You've only got one helmet question.
11:04That's one of the problems of the format.
11:05LAUGHTER
11:06APPLAUSE
11:08That's one of the problems.
11:10APPLAUSE
11:11There's so little helmet news.
11:15LAUGHTER
11:16OK, who's this?
11:18We don't know who that is.
11:23It's Elon Tupac Musk.
11:26Yeah.
11:27He's finally snapped after spending almost a year in Donald Trump's inner circle.
11:30Yeah.
11:31Is that a euphemism?
11:32LAUGHTER
11:34I mean, it's also a medical condition.
11:36LAUGHTER
11:37He said what he thinks of the president's plans for a massive tax cut.
11:41The big bill, it's an abomination.
11:43Yes, he's called Trump's big, beautiful bill,
11:46an outrageous, port-filled abomination of a spending bill.
11:50And he's got a black eye as well.
11:52Yeah.
11:53Because he's got a black eye.
11:54He asked his five-year-old child to punch him in the face.
11:55A five-year-old child is called X.
11:56That's why I hear him.
11:58Yeah.
11:59And I think the phrase X marks the spot has never been more...
12:02LAUGHTER
12:03Absolutely new.
12:05APPLAUSE
12:06Thank you very much.
12:08APPLAUSE
12:10OK.
12:11New bits?
12:12Oh.
12:13Are we at war?
12:14There's some news.
12:15LAUGHTER
12:16Elon Musk and Donald Trump's war of words has bitterly escalated.
12:20Donald Trump said on Truth Social that Musk was wearing thin
12:24and threatened to terminate Elon's governmental subsidies and contracts
12:28and must hit back on X by saying,
12:31Time to drop the really big bomb.
12:33At real Donald Trump is in the Epstein files.
12:36Ooh!
12:37That is the real reason they have not been made public.
12:41LAUGHTER
12:42Have a nice day, DJ T.
12:44APPLAUSE
12:51We call it an amicable split.
12:53LAUGHTER
12:55We don't know whether this is true because our source is Elon Musk.
13:00LAUGHTER
13:01And a website called Truth Social.
13:03Truth Social.
13:04Run by a liar.
13:06So I'm just throwing it in, keep the lawyers awake.
13:09LAUGHTER
13:10I'll keep the lawyers awake, I say it's true!
13:12LAUGHTER
13:14True!
13:15APPLAUSE
13:16Yes.
13:19Trump has also accused the BBC of lying.
13:22Yes.
13:23That's right.
13:24About its account of what happened in Gaza at the aid centre.
13:27Which is fairly extraordinary.
13:28A man who lied about winning the election ends up thinking
13:31that the real villain in the entire Middle East is the BBC.
13:35LAUGHTER
13:36For reporting on shooting people who are starving.
13:39I'm...
13:40I'll just bring that up.
13:41LAUGHTER
13:42This is the first strategic defence review since 1989.
13:45According to The Guardian, Keir Starmer has pledged to make Britain
13:48battle-ready with drones.
13:50Happily, we already have some of the best drone pilots in the world
13:53standing outside prisons delivering mobile phones.
13:56LAUGHTER
13:57It's true!
13:59One military expert said that in future, all wars could be fought by robots.
14:06Cool!
14:07LAUGHTER
14:09Paul and Jack?
14:10Yes.
14:11Here are yours.
14:12OK.
14:13Well...
14:14And there's someone writing Keir Starmer's speech.
14:18One of Trump's saner moments.
14:20What are...
14:21Sausage rolls?
14:22Yeah, yeah.
14:23Madame Tussauds did a waxwork model of a sausage roll.
14:28Yes.
14:29Presumably to try and get more scaffolders through the doors.
14:33LAUGHTER
14:34You're completely right.
14:35This is news that a Greg's sausage roll is the first food item
14:38to be immortalised in Madame Tussauds.
14:40Greg's is Britain's favourite baker.
14:42Yes.
14:43As we know, even Keir Starmer has been known to pop in on his way
14:45to work and ask for a Greg's hostage roll.
14:48LAUGHTER
14:50They are celebrating cultural icons.
14:53That's what they're doing.
14:54Right.
14:55Right.
14:56It's a very specific thing.
14:57A million are bought every day and it will be on display in the
15:00Culture Capital section of the museum dedicated to icons
15:04that have helped shape Britain.
15:06And...
15:07That shape is a beast.
15:08Yes.
15:09The sausage roll will be displayed alongside fellow cultural icons,
15:12David Attenborough and Shakespeare.
15:14Here it is.
15:15LAUGHTER
15:17Are you sure that's not bacon?
15:18Exactly.
15:19LAUGHTER
15:24Oh, there are so many other sausage roll Shakespeare jokes available.
15:28LAUGHTER
15:30Well, it's been praised to the hilt, this sausage roll,
15:33for looking exactly like the real thing and having the same
15:35nutritional value.
15:37LAUGHTER
15:38Who isn't going to be made into a waxwork?
15:40Me.
15:41I mean, there's got to be a long list of people who aren't going to be
15:43made into...
15:44You're right, you're right.
15:45That wasn't there.
15:46Most of the population.
15:47LAUGHTER
15:48Is it someone who wanted to be...?
15:50Well, maybe they would want to.
15:51Yeah.
15:52Me.
15:53Keir Starmer, no?
15:54Yes.
15:55Yes.
15:56Keir Starmer.
15:57Really?
15:58As they're not sure he'll be relevant in five years.
16:01LAUGHTER
16:05That's harsh.
16:06Yeah.
16:07Or now.
16:09What was happening here?
16:11There was a waxwork model of Macron got stolen...
16:16Yes.
16:17..by Greenpeace or something.
16:20Yeah, that's right, yes.
16:21I always think with these people, I know they mean well,
16:24but every time you see them you just think,
16:26oh, if you're the alternative, I just say,
16:29bring on the end of the world, really, because...
16:32LAUGHTER
16:33If that's what we've got to look forward to, then, Frank, I'm ready.
16:36LAUGHTER
16:38We've had a good innings.
16:39Yeah.
16:40Let's just crunch on the caps, you'll get it done with.
16:42Yes.
16:43You are getting cheerier in your old age, aren't you?
16:45Well, you know, you've got to look on the bright side.
16:47LAUGHTER
16:49Finally, who wants to see the waxworks of William and Kate
16:51at the Polonia Wax Museum?
16:53Yes.
16:54Yes!
16:55LAUGHTER
17:01Have Thunderbirds been told about this?
17:03LAUGHTER
17:04Time now for round two.
17:05The swirl of news.
17:06Fingers on buzzers teams.
17:08Activate the swirl.
17:09Fingers on buzzers.
17:10Fingers on buzzers.
17:11Fingers on buzzers.
17:12Fingers on buzzers.
17:13Fingers on buzzers.
17:14Fantastic.
17:15Look at that for special effects.
17:16Fingers on buzzers.
17:17Men's shorts are getting shorter.
17:19You're completely right.
17:20This is the news that short shorts are in fashion for men this summer.
17:24Yes.
17:25And what has a trend been dubbed?
17:26The short short trend.
17:27Yes.
17:28You haven't got one of those capsules, have you?
17:32LAUGHTER
17:33I'll tell you what it's called.
17:34Thigh Guy Summer.
17:35Thigh Guy Summer?
17:36That's right.
17:37Who's calling it that?
17:38Everyone.
17:39Everyone.
17:40Absolutely everyone.
17:41And we do have a picture of some very short shorts.
17:45Yeah.
17:46That's a pair with a five-inch inseam on morning television and that is when the authorities picked him up.
18:01He looks like the two halves of his body are going to different events.
18:05LAUGHTER
18:06Yes.
18:07How do you feel about short shorts in general, Kelly?
18:09I mean, on young and, you know...
18:13How young?
18:14Like...
18:15LAUGHTER
18:18Bear in mind the history of BBC presenters.
18:20LAUGHTER
18:22I've played the answer back in my head and I'd like to withdraw it.
18:26LAUGHTER
18:28But footballers' shorts have got shorter.
18:30Do they get shorter and longer over the years?
18:32Yeah, they were quite long in the 90s and then the shorter ones are sort of coming back.
18:36Can you identify a footballer from their shorts?
18:38No.
18:39Bad luck.
18:40LAUGHTER
18:41Let's have a look at the picture.
18:42I want you to identify this footballer.
18:45I...
18:46I feel like if I could identify a footballer from this picture, I wouldn't be doing my job properly.
18:51LAUGHTER
18:52Ian, do you want to guess?
18:53It's Gary Lineker.
18:55You're right!
18:56Is it?
18:57Yes!
18:58LAUGHTER
18:59APPLAUSE
19:03Right.
19:04Of course it is.
19:05Well...
19:06It didn't take him long to get a new job, did it?
19:08Yeah.
19:09LAUGHTER
19:10Is he presenting Crutch of the Day?
19:12Yes.
19:14Is there any explanation for that photo?
19:16It just...
19:17No, no, it's just...
19:18Yeah.
19:19It was just in my wallet.
19:20LAUGHTER
19:21LAUGHTER
19:22Fingers on buzzers, teams.
19:24Activate the swirl.
19:33This is Paris Saint-Germain, who have just won the Champions League by beating Inter Milan 5-0.
19:38That is exactly right.
19:39Now, are you set for Match of the Day, Kelly?
19:41Do you have Twitter?
19:42I did have Twitter, but I deleted it way before Match of the Day.
19:45OK.
19:46Yeah, so that's not a temptation for me.
19:48OK.
19:49But I did think the most sensible thing to do to distance myself from the previous era was to come on a satirical topical news quiz.
19:56LAUGHTER
19:57It's all right, I'll handle the Gaza questions.
19:59LAUGHTER
20:04And you can do the Gaza questions.
20:06LAUGHTER
20:08Kelly, you managed to upset a couple of fellow North Westerners.
20:12What did I do?
20:13Well, perhaps we should look at what you did.
20:15After three wins in four, particularly after the win against Biden, we were expecting he was going to be in a good mood.
20:20How significant was that last win?
20:22It was a huge win.
20:23I mean, do you think there was someone who might not be doing a relegation to David, which was obviously a good player as well?
20:28You have to keep nine points on the trail of this late stage.
20:31LAUGHTER
20:33Was it done as an April Fool joke or something?
20:36No, they just aren't very good at walking and talking.
20:40They were supposed to answer...
20:41Yes.
20:42..and then go.
20:43Right.
20:44LAUGHTER
20:45But they made it look natural.
20:47LAUGHTER
20:50In other news, a hybrid sport is gaining popularity in the UK.
20:56Underwater rugby.
20:58Incredibly dangerous scrum.
21:00Yeah.
21:01LAUGHTER
21:02Nick Harvey, founder of pure underwater rugby, Guildford, described the sport as beautiful.
21:09Let's have a look at the beautiful game.
21:12LAUGHTER
21:22Some things don't need invented, do they?
21:24LAUGHTER
21:25And if you're wondering when you come up for air, Nick has the answer.
21:31When's a good time to come up for air, for example?
21:33Well, when you have to breathe.
21:34LAUGHTER
21:38Smart guy.
21:39This is the news that Paris Saint-Germain have won the Champions League.
21:43PSG defeated four Premier League teams on their way to the final.
21:46Some football experts attributed this to the English club's heavier schedule.
21:50Other pundits put it down to an inability to modernise their tactics,
21:54while Gary Lineker blamed Benjamin Netanyahu.
21:57LAUGHTER
21:58It's good that someone does.
22:00LAUGHTER
22:01Just saying.
22:03APPLAUSE
22:05Fingers on buzzers.
22:10LAUGHTER
22:12To make the swirl.
22:13Yeah, swirl.
22:14Yeah, swirl.
22:15Yes.
22:16Horses.
22:25Horses have expressions, don't they?
22:27That's exactly right.
22:28Horses have 22 facial expressions.
22:30Why don't they use them, then?
22:31That's 21 more than me.
22:32Yeah.
22:36How do we know that they have so many?
22:38Scientists have observed them.
22:39That's right.
22:40What other answer could there be?
22:42A horse wrote a letter into the Times.
22:45I have 22.
22:46LAUGHTER
22:47Let's test this out, shall we?
22:49I'm going to show your horse.
22:50Oh, no, don't.
22:51Yes.
22:52Oh, go on, then.
22:53And you have to tell me how it's feeling.
22:54OK, definitely.
22:55Yeah, all right.
22:56First one.
22:57Yeah.
22:58What's this expression telling you?
22:59Nostalgic.
23:00Flirtatious.
23:01Flirtatious.
23:02Definitely flirtatious.
23:03Again, remember, you work for the BBC.
23:05Let's not escalate this.
23:06Yeah.
23:07I don't want to jump over anything else today.
23:10Yeah.
23:11But what about the horse, Jack?
23:12LAUGHTER
23:19This...
23:20is a happy horse.
23:22Is it?
23:23It's a happy horse.
23:24A horse that's pushing its nose forward as a sign that it's feeling friendly
23:27and in a good mood.
23:28Why has he got the same haircut as Adolf Hitler?
23:30LAUGHTER
23:31I said it was a happy horse.
23:34I didn't say it wasn't a fascist horse.
23:35Right.
23:36Fair enough.
23:37OK?
23:38Fair enough.
23:39What's going on with this nag?
23:41Oh, that's existential despair.
23:43LAUGHTER
23:44That's aggressive, isn't it?
23:47That's definitely aggressive.
23:48Yes.
23:49Yeah.
23:50You can read your horses, Paul.
23:51Yeah.
23:52The ears are flat.
23:53The nostrils are flared.
23:54This horse is furious.
23:56I thought flared nostrils went out in the 70s.
23:59LAUGHTER
24:01They're coming back with short shorts.
24:03Yeah.
24:04Short snorts, even.
24:06Yes, exactly.
24:07LAUGHTER
24:09I can't help but that we've been led down this path.
24:12Yeah.
24:13Naysayers be damned.
24:14LAUGHTER
24:15Hi, now, for the missing words round, which this week features
24:19as its guest publication, Rollerag.
24:21And we start with...
24:26Walked into a pub.
24:27Yeah.
24:28Walked into a pub and the landlord said,
24:30you free a bard.
24:31And they said, why?
24:32And he said to the violin, I've got no music licence.
24:34He said to the frying pan, I don't serve food.
24:36And he said to the vacuum cleaner, you suck.
24:37Oh, get out.
24:38APPLAUSE
24:44I can't give you points for a better answer.
24:46No.
24:47A violin, a frying pan and a vacuum cleaner are just some of the
24:50things you can find in Sydney Airport's lost property.
24:53Why is that in roller skating magazine?
24:55Well, it wasn't.
24:56No.
24:57LAUGHTER
24:59These items and many more are now going to be auctioned off.
25:02Not sure what will go for the highest price.
25:04Probably the suitcase of a cocaine.
25:06LAUGHTER
25:07Next, what is better than Netflix?
25:10Talking to other human beings.
25:12Don't be stupid.
25:13LAUGHTER
25:14Going to the cinema.
25:15Sorry, Richard, that was silly.
25:16That was ridiculous.
25:17Mm.
25:18Is it chilling?
25:19LAUGHTER
25:20You make it sound like a word you've never heard.
25:23LAUGHTER
25:25Well, I have my new ringtone.
25:27LAUGHTER
25:28The answer is...
25:29Watching people argue on a bridge over the river
25:34in Wales...
25:35LAUGHTER
25:36..is better than Netflix.
25:37Yeah.
25:38The bridge in Wales regularly sees motorists argue,
25:41unleashing a foul-mouthed torrent of 16-letter words.
25:44LAUGHTER
25:46Next, Ipswich Town Centre to be improved by what?
25:51Er...
25:52As if it could be improved.
25:54Mm.
25:55Dynamite?
25:56LAUGHTER
25:57Ipswich Town Centre to be improved by installation of portal
26:01to another city.
26:02LAUGHTER
26:03What?
26:04That's right.
26:05You're from Ipswich, aren't you?
26:07I'm...
26:08I'm one of the major sons of Ipswich.
26:10LAUGHTER
26:11Is Ipswich a city?
26:12Because the football team's called Ipswich Town.
26:14Has Ipswich got a cathedral?
26:16Look, I'm feeling very ganged up on right now.
26:19LAUGHTER
26:20I'm from Ipswich.
26:21I've suffered enough.
26:22LAUGHTER
26:23Have you noticed...
26:24Have you noticed a cathedral in Ipswich?
26:26Norwich has got one.
26:27Has Ipswich got one?
26:28No.
26:29Ipswich has got fighting spirit.
26:30Yeah.
26:31And a lot...
26:32No cathedral.
26:33And a lot of reasonably priced shoe shops.
26:34Yeah.
26:35LAUGHTER
26:36Now...
26:37Lastly, beginners to the world of roller skating
26:40should remember the saying...
26:41What?
26:42It's not the rock in your roll,
26:44it's the glide in your slide.
26:45LAUGHTER
26:46What?
26:47CHEERING
26:48Beginners to the world of roller skating
26:50should remember the saying,
26:51Don't go near the jungle,
26:52because to a tiger you're mills on wheels.
26:53LAUGHTER
26:56Should remember the saying,
26:57You look like a tosser.
26:59LAUGHTER
27:00LAUGHTER
27:03These are all very good.
27:04Sadly, the answer is...
27:06Yeah.
27:07Beginners to the world of roller skating
27:08should remember the saying,
27:09Drill it till you kill it.
27:11LAUGHTER
27:13Drill it till you kill it,
27:14also being Donald Trump's environmental policy.
27:16LAUGHTER
27:18So, the final scores are...
27:20Ian Kelly have seven.
27:22Paul and Jack...
27:23Eight.
27:24APPLAUSE
27:25But before we go,
27:26there's just time for the caption competition.
27:28Oh, yeah, the animal saying,
27:29Oi, Attenborough,
27:30how do you like it?
27:31LAUGHTER
27:32On which note,
27:33we say thank you to our panellists,
27:34Ian Hislop and Kelly Cates,
27:35Paul Merton and Jack Dee,
27:36and I leave you with news that,
27:37in London,
27:38as she arrived for a visit to the Royal Horticultural Society,
27:40the Queen is briefed by her undercover protection team.
27:41LAUGHTER
27:42At a historical re-enactment in Warwick,
27:44there's complaints that some participants are overdoing
27:46the ornamental codpieces.
27:48LAUGHTER
27:50And backstage at the TV Quicker,
27:51we have the TV Quicker,
27:52two stylists discuss her options after overdoing the temperature setting
27:56on Claudia Winkleman's hairdryer.
28:02LAUGHTER
28:03And backstage at the TV Quicker Awards,
28:05two stylists discuss her options after overdoing the temperature setting
28:09on Claudia Winkleman's hair dryer.
28:10LAUGHTER
28:13LAUGHTER
28:15LAUGHTER
28:18good night
28:22we know you can't wait for the new series in the meantime why not recap all the drama from round one
28:39press red for the gold on iPlayer next it's the morning after the night before and the shame is
28:44setting in we've all been there stay with us for the power of Parker