Have.I.Got.News.for.You.S69E09
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00:00Paul, remember when I was here and it was still the election,
00:02and we was like, America might do the right thing.
00:04Yes.
00:04Remember that?
00:07That was great.
00:08That was a good time.
00:30Good evening.
00:50Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:51I'm Roy Wood Jr.
00:52In the news this week, in Tokyo, at the world's first robot cafe,
00:57the inventor regrets getting AI to learn from British workers.
01:09Elton John denies he's overindulging his pet dog
01:12as he takes little Sasha for a tapeworm injection.
01:21And after Eamon Holmes announces a new travel show in Japan,
01:25an exclusive preview sees him enjoy a dish of fermented soybeans
01:28before taking a trip on the iconic bullet train.
01:37On Ian's team tonight, an actor and comedian who has five children,
01:41or as Boris Johnson would put it, hardly any.
01:44Please welcome Bill's car.
01:45Paul's team tonight, a journalist and broadcaster who hails from Scotland,
01:55or as we Americans call it, the land of Mel Gibson.
01:58Please welcome Kirstie Waugh.
02:05Now, as always, we begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:08Paul and Kirstie, what's this a-boot?
02:11OK.
02:11Oh, yes, obviously, this is Canada, Mounties.
02:14Oh!
02:15Are you the pilot?
02:15My wife didn't get a gin and tonic.
02:19Village people are making an appearance.
02:22And, uh, my wife didn't get a gin and tonic.
02:28This is King Charles in Canada.
02:30Yes, indeed.
02:30This is King Charles' speech to the Canadian Parliament warning
02:34that Canada is not for sale, nor will it be handed over to America
02:39as the 51st state.
02:41Canada will remain as free as it's been
02:43since Britain stole it from the First Nations and the French.
02:47Americans always make fun of Canadians, don't they?
02:50Yeah.
02:50Yeah, because why not?
02:52They're sort of like a better version of America, aren't they, Canada?
02:56Canadians are Americans who, like, do their homework
02:58and they're, like, nice to people and stuff.
03:01Yeah.
03:02Yeah, I can see the problem there.
03:04Yeah.
03:05And they've got gun controls, haven't they?
03:06Well, they've got guns, but they don't use them.
03:08They don't use them, yeah.
03:08See?
03:09They got them, but they don't use them.
03:09And that's why they're boring, like...
03:11LAUGHTER
03:12Would you want a boring president at the moment?
03:15I would love a boring president.
03:16LAUGHTER
03:17LAUGHTER
03:18APPLAUSE
03:19Oh, yeah.
03:21APPLAUSE
03:22What traditional Canadian activity
03:26that King Charles partake in
03:28while over there...
03:29Ice hockey.
03:30No shooing.
03:30Ryan Gosling.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:33Is that an activity?
03:34LAUGHTER
03:36LAUGHTER
03:37LAUGHTER
03:38LAUGHTER
03:38LAUGHTER
03:39King Charles was offered a puck, um...
03:42Yeah, ice hockey, yeah.
03:43Yeah.
03:43When you visit America, I don't know if you know
03:45about any of our traditions, but when you visit America,
03:47we allow you to deport one immigrant, and that's...
03:50LAUGHTER
03:51LAUGHTER
03:51LAUGHTER
03:52LAUGHTER
03:52Are you going to get back in, do you think,
03:54when you go back to America?
03:55Oh, no, I'm going to be back before this airs.
03:58Oh, right.
03:58LAUGHTER
03:59LAUGHTER
04:00LAUGHTER
04:01That's good, bro.
04:02APPLAUSE
04:03LAUGHTER
04:04What's the big setback for Trump this time?
04:07Oh, tariffs.
04:08It's taken the courts a long time to come to the decision
04:10that these tariffs are illegal, he's not allowed to impose them.
04:12Trump is basically like most of my uncles,
04:15and they're all Pakistani, so in a very different way.
04:18Like, he'd just be talking whatever he wants.
04:20Like, bro, my uncle is just like him,
04:22in the sense that if you let him lead the free world,
04:25my uncle would be there saying, Greenland, mine.
04:28LAUGHTER
04:29Give him to me.
04:29Uncle, Canada is not a person.
04:31Give him to me anyway.
04:32Canada is mine, Greenland is mine.
04:34It's what happens when you let them people close to eight
04:36around the world.
04:37LAUGHTER
04:38On which occasion did Trump display his natural ability,
04:42though, this week, to tailor the right words to the right moment?
04:45Oh, yeah, he posted a thing saying,
04:47Happy Memorial Day, which you don't tend to do
04:50when you're commemorating the dead.
04:53OK, but that wasn't all.
04:54Yeah, no, no, I remember the first bit of it,
04:55and he said, and particularly to all those people
04:57who've spent four years trying to oppose him,
05:00miserable left-wing lying toads...
05:02Uh, yes.
05:03Trump posted, um, on his social media,
05:06Happy Memorial Day to all, including the scum!
05:09LAUGHTER
05:11LAUGHTER
05:15Also in a speech at Arlington National Cemetery
05:17back in the States, Trump tried to pay a dignified tribute
05:20to a fallen army veteran by saying this...
05:23As a linguist, translator, and...
05:26cryptologic...
05:28LAUGHTER
05:30LAUGHTER
05:35Gus, bonus points.
05:36What is a cryptologic?
05:38LAUGHTER
05:39I don't know, but he said it just like my uncle, too.
05:41LAUGHTER
05:43Cryptologics, I don't know what...
05:45Trump also made a speech to graduates at West Point Academy.
05:48Yes.
05:49Uh, his speech was rambling and incoherent,
05:51and guess what?
05:52Mm.
05:53I've got a game for you.
05:54Yeah.
05:55I'll get the randomiser going.
05:56OK.
05:57It's going to stop on one of the graphics.
05:58You have to tell me what tangent Trump went off on.
05:59Yes.
06:00Fingers on buzzers.
06:01OK.
06:02Here's the first one.
06:06All right.
06:07That's a stealth bomber.
06:08OK, but what was the tangent?
06:10Like, how did he...?
06:11LAUGHTER
06:15LAUGHTER
06:18No, he said,
06:19no, we've got a stealth bomber,
06:20but, you know, you can't see a stealth bomber,
06:21so we actually don't know how many we've got.
06:23LAUGHTER
06:24Did he say the Qataris are giving him
06:26a free stealth bomber?
06:28LAUGHTER
06:29In gold.
06:30With taps.
06:32LAUGHTER
06:33Let's take a look.
06:34We are...
06:35buying you new airplanes,
06:38brand-new, beautiful planes,
06:40redesigned planes,
06:41brand-new planes,
06:42totally stealth planes.
06:44I hope they're stealth.
06:45I don't know.
06:46That whole stealth thing,
06:47I'm sort of wondering.
06:48You mean if we shape a wing this way,
06:50they don't see it?
06:51But the other way they see it,
06:52I'm not so sure.
06:53LAUGHTER
06:54That's what they told me.
06:55LAUGHTER
06:56LAUGHTER
06:58I think at this point,
06:59the president,
07:00they could just take him out
07:01to an empty runway
07:02and just point and be like,
07:03it's 15 stealth bombers,
07:04right there.
07:05LAUGHTER
07:06Let's do another one.
07:07OK, number one.
07:08Well, Gary Player used to work
07:10as a lightning conductor.
07:11OK.
07:12LAUGHTER
07:13What he said about Gary Player,
07:14a hell of a player,
07:15a great player,
07:16his name was Player,
07:17he was a player.
07:18LAUGHTER
07:19Let's see.
07:20Let's have a look.
07:21An example is a great athlete,
07:22Gary Player,
07:23great golfer.
07:24He wasn't as big as the other men
07:26that were playing against him,
07:28great, big, strong guys.
07:30Gary was a smaller guy.
07:32He gets a little angry,
07:33he gets a little angry,
07:34he gets a little angry,
07:35he gets a little angry,
07:37he gets a little angry at people,
07:39because he hits the ball just as far,
07:41he said,
07:42I hit the ball further than them,
07:44why am I small?
07:45LAUGHTER
07:46Here's the thing that's crazy about this,
07:50keep this in mind,
07:51those clips are from the same speech!
07:53LAUGHTER
07:54I mean, it's a problem for him doing a graduation,
07:58though, at a military academy, isn't it?
08:00Because he didn't do any military service...
08:03No.
08:04..due to having bone spurs.
08:05Yeah.
08:06Which must be hurting.
08:07Yes.
08:08Badly now.
08:09I think they've grown into his brain over the years.
08:11LAUGHTER
08:12Up his body and...
08:14Now, to be fair to my president,
08:17Trump wasn't all mad last week,
08:20he had one realisation that was actually reasonable,
08:23and I would even say good.
08:24What was that realisation that...
08:26Putin's gone crazy?
08:27Was that the one?
08:28Yeah, he noticed that Putin is a bad guy.
08:31Yeah.
08:32Which has taken him a very long time.
08:34Up to that point,
08:35he thought he was one of the good guys.
08:37Yeah.
08:38So he called him crazy.
08:39Thoughts which he then doubled down on
08:41and amplified to reporters.
08:43Yeah, I'll give you an update.
08:44I'm not happy with what Putin's doing.
08:46He's killing a lot of people,
08:47and I don't know what the hell happened to Putin.
08:49I've known him a long time,
08:51always gotten along with him,
08:53but he's sending rockets into cities
08:55and killing people,
08:56and I don't like it at all.
08:58And something happened to this guy,
09:00and I don't like it.
09:02LAUGHTER
09:03There's two bodyguards in the background
09:04aren't taking their job particularly seriously, are they?
09:06LAUGHTER
09:08Do you think Putin's scared when he watches this video?
09:11Or do you think he laughs until he can't stop?
09:15LAUGHTER
09:17That's pathetic!
09:18That's the leader of the free world.
09:20God!
09:21I don't like it.
09:23He's a three-year-old in a hat.
09:25LAUGHTER
09:27APPLAUSE
09:29There's a suggestion that Trump isn't as tough as he likes to think.
09:36What acronym is being used to describe Trump now?
09:40Bob, the Big Orange Baby.
09:42LAUGHTER
09:43Oh, those are old. There's a new one.
09:44There's a new...
09:45Oh, right.
09:46Trump acronym.
09:47OK, I'll tell you what, I'll give you your hand.
09:48It's TACO, but you tell me what TACO stands for.
09:51Tough as Crumble.
09:54Only.
09:56LAUGHTER
09:58Tosspot arsehole.
10:00Can't think of 1%.
10:01LAUGHTER
10:03APPLAUSE
10:05TACO stands for Trump always chickens out.
10:11Oh.
10:12And Trump has described the acronym as nasty.
10:16LAUGHTER
10:17I like the American comedian who said he used to be known as POTUS
10:20and now he's known as despotus.
10:22LAUGHTER
10:24This is King Charles at Canada's state opening of Parliament.
10:27During the royal visit, King Charles planted a tree in Ottawa.
10:31Thank God.
10:32Because Canada finally is getting some much-needed trees.
10:37LAUGHTER
10:40Trump's performance at West Point was criticized on social media,
10:43with one user describing the speech as a midlife crisis.
10:47LAUGHTER
10:48Midlife!
10:49LAUGHTER
10:50All right, Ian and Gus, here's yours.
10:55That's the new nationalised train, that's the transport secretary,
10:58don't worry, another one along in a minute.
11:00LAUGHTER
11:02And that's old clip of British Rail and him saying,
11:05remember, take the car.
11:07LAUGHTER
11:09We've got a new nationalised railway.
11:11OK.
11:12Which has been coming a long time.
11:13And it's first day out, you're looking...
11:15You're looking sad.
11:16No, I don't really like trains, that's all it is.
11:19LAUGHTER
11:21What do they do to you? What are the trains?
11:23No, I just got bad memories.
11:25You know, like, when I was a kid, the only way we could get on trains
11:28is really just getting there without paying.
11:30And then there was a technique where you would hide in the toilet
11:33to try and get away with a fare,
11:35and there was just one particular time when there was, like,
11:37eight of us hiding in the toilet.
11:39LAUGHTER
11:40And one of the dudes who joined us in the toilet,
11:42we didn't know who he was.
11:43LAUGHTER
11:46And it was a very tense journey between Coventry and Birmingham,
11:49that's all I'm going to say.
11:50LAUGHTER
11:51I don't feel like we have enough time to unpack these memories.
11:54LAUGHTER
11:56APPLAUSE
11:58The rail company was Southwestern Railway...
12:01It was.
12:02..which came under state ownership at 1.59am on Sunday,
12:07followed by an announcement that the 2.27am
12:09from Guilford to London...
12:11LAUGHTER
12:13..had been cancelled.
12:15The first scheduled train...
12:17Yes.
12:18..that was actually there was, um, from Woking...
12:20Yes.
12:21..and it got as far as Surbiton, and then there was a bus replacement.
12:24LAUGHTER
12:25I have to say, this is just for the interests of balance...
12:27Yes.
12:28..when they privatised the rail service,
12:30the first train...
12:32That was a big hoo-ha, first privatised train...
12:35..it was cancelled.
12:37LAUGHTER
12:38I'm just saying for balance.
12:39LAUGHTER
12:40Despite the replacement bus,
12:41many of the passengers were thoroughly enjoying the journey.
12:44Oh.
12:45What made the journey so enjoyable?
12:46There are a lot of train spotters on board.
12:48Yeah?
12:49Bus spotters.
12:51LAUGHTER
12:52Several train enthusiasts were delighted to be aboard
12:54the historic journey, including Rob Potter,
12:57who celebrated the occasion with a Laphroaic single malt.
13:01Great.
13:02Let's get a picture of old Rob up on the screen.
13:04That's great.
13:05LAUGHTER
13:06He's still on the train.
13:07Yeah.
13:08That's a 5.30 in the morning train.
13:11Do not clap.
13:12LAUGHTER
13:13Moving on from British transport.
13:15Yeah.
13:16Who wants to see a dog on a motorbike?
13:17Oh, yeah.
13:18There we go.
13:19Let's do that.
13:20I've never seen that with the whole harnessing thing before,
13:22but, yeah, you can't...
13:24Unfortunately, you can't be riding around with a dog
13:26in between your arms or that.
13:29LAUGHTER
13:30Did you notice that hesitation when he said between?
13:32Yeah.
13:33There's a lot of fur in there.
13:35LAUGHTER
13:36Meanwhile, in water news...
13:48LAUGHTER
13:50Do y'all just think I can't handle the good stories?
13:53You just can't give me...
13:55They find Thames water.
13:57Yes.
13:58Over and over and over.
13:59Millions and millions.
14:00Yeah, absolutely.
14:01It's about time.
14:02Yes.
14:03They find them.
14:05Because they were going to give dividends out again.
14:09They'd given dividends out to their shareholders,
14:11which were massive on the last two occasions,
14:13and that's when the rig row started.
14:15And the man in charge appeared in front of the select committee
14:18and said, we had to give out these huge bonuses and dividends
14:22because the shareholders insisted.
14:24And then a day later, he said, oh, yes,
14:26when I said the shareholders insisted, I meant they agreed
14:28when we told them we were going to do it.
14:30LAUGHTER
14:31He said he misspoke.
14:33Which is a new word, which means lied.
14:36LAUGHTER
14:37Who else has come in for criticism after announcing a spending splurge?
14:42Nigel Farage.
14:43Yeah.
14:44And Keir Starmer has said that if he's adopting Liz Trump's...
14:48Liz Trump, that's a very good mistake.
14:50LAUGHTER
14:51I see the two are very similar.
14:56He announced his new brilliant ideas for Britain.
14:59Yes.
15:00He got out a fag packet, looked at the back of it,
15:02and there it all was.
15:04Yeah.
15:05What you've got to do is we've got to cut taxes and increase spending.
15:08Yes.
15:09Brilliant.
15:10Nigel Farage listed a number of reform, tax and welfare policies
15:14in a major speech, which, according to the Institute of Fiscal Studies,
15:17could cost up to $85 billion.
15:20But how did Farage say he's going to pay for all of this?
15:24He said we're going to scrap net zero...
15:26OK.
15:27..and that'll save $40 billion, which he won't.
15:30It's about six, I think, tops.
15:32Um, and then he said we're going to have efficiency in the civil service,
15:36we're going to have net zero immigration,
15:38we're going to stop immigrants living in hotels,
15:41and this will make $350 billion zillion pounds, literally.
15:45This all sounds like very familiar policies that I've heard.
15:48Yeah.
15:49Yes, I'm pretty sure that he also wants to put up a wall
15:51between the UK and Mexico at the board.
15:54LAUGHTER
15:57He's going to bring in Elon Musk.
16:00Yeah.
16:01Good work.
16:02Maybe Elon is on his way over here.
16:04Absolutely.
16:05Maybe that's why Elon quit working with Trump.
16:07Yeah.
16:08Good luck!
16:09LAUGHTER
16:10Does anyone remember High Wycombe MP Steve Baker?
16:14You know Wycombe.
16:15High Wycombe.
16:16Yeah, that's why.
16:17High Wycombe.
16:18High Wycombe.
16:19High Wycombe.
16:20High Wycombe.
16:21It's also known as the Gulf of Wycombe, if it helps.
16:22LAUGHTER
16:26High Wycombe MP Steve Baker.
16:27Yeah.
16:28What has he been telling the Politico website?
16:30How to pronounce Wickham.
16:31LAUGHTER
16:32Come on now.
16:33We don't know.
16:34Tell us, Roy.
16:35No, Steve Baker's been complaining about the inadequate payoffs
16:36that MPs get when they lose their seat and is calling for a one year's
16:41redundancy pay instead of the four months that they currently get to get us over the
16:47horrible process of actually getting the horrible process of actually getting a job.
16:54LAUGHTER
16:55And he continued and said, as soon as I apply, they know who I am.
17:00They do the Googling and they don't want me.
17:02LAUGHTER
17:03This is the first railway franchise to be nationalized by the Labour government.
17:08Journalists were keen to bombard Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander with questions,
17:12but were thwarted as in a political masterstroke, she went and sat in the quiet carriage.
17:19LAUGHTER
17:20Time now for round two.
17:21Yeah.
17:22This is going to be my favourite round.
17:24We're calling this the Star Spangled Hammer.
17:28LAUGHTER
17:29Fingers on buzzers, teens.
17:31Let's do it.
17:33What do you see right there?
17:37Uh, for the sake of filling in the gap, we don't know.
17:41LAUGHTER
17:42This is the news that the Gloucester Services has been voted Britain's favourite motorway
17:48service station.
17:49That's my favourite one too.
17:51Yeah.
17:52Any time I'm riding through Gloucester.
17:55Where is that?
17:56Gloucester?
17:57Over there, about off the M40.
17:59You know the one.
18:00It's right next to High Wycombe.
18:01Yeah.
18:02It's right around the corner.
18:03Here's what it looks like on the inside.
18:07Uh, posh?
18:08Yes.
18:09Oh, God.
18:10But is there KFC there?
18:11LAUGHTER
18:12If there's no KFC, then this is no...
18:14LAUGHTER
18:17Which one was voted least favourite in Britain?
18:20Was it?
18:22Cobham.
18:23Cobham.
18:24Clacky.
18:25Bridgewater Services in Somerset, also on the M5, came at the bottom at 23% approval rating.
18:32Here it is.
18:33That's terrible.
18:34That's somebody's house.
18:36LAUGHTER
18:37But you know what, brother?
18:38There's a KFC there, sir.
18:40LAUGHTER
18:41According to the Daily Mail, it was described by one visitor as smelling like stale urine.
18:47Ooh.
18:48Ew.
18:49Not even the dignity of fresh piss.
18:54While we're on the subject, who fancies a game of name that service station?
18:58Which service station, one of the largest in the UK, opened in 1993 between junctions 5 and 6 at the M25 in Surrey and was originally going to be called Titsy Wood?
19:15LAUGHTER
19:16No, they're having you on here, I think.
19:18Ian, you mentioned it earlier.
19:20Was it Cobham Services or is it Clacket Lane?
19:23Clacket Lane Services!
19:24No!
19:25LAUGHTER
19:26It's unbelievable.
19:27It's unbelievable.
19:28It's unbelievable.
19:29Next.
19:30Which service station opened on the M5 in 1966?
19:32M5 again?
19:331966.
19:34Oh.
19:35Between the Quentin Interchange at Junction 3 and at the 838 at Junction 4.
19:39You want just the name?
19:40Yeah, you're a name.
19:41OK.
19:42Or you want the place?
19:43Name the service station!
19:45LAUGHTER
19:47Boring wood service.
19:49It's frankly services!
19:51And frankly, I'm disappointed that y'all did it!
19:54APPLAUSE
19:57When she said boring wood, that wasn't a personal criticism.
20:00How do y'all not know this?
20:02LAUGHTER
20:03How do I know more about your country than you?
20:06Which service station sits a mile west of Junction 17 on the M4
20:10between Bristol and Swindon and was once described as unquestionably
20:15the Xanadu of the M4?
20:17LAUGHTER
20:18I got the answer to this.
20:19Who gives a fuck?
20:21LAUGHTER
20:22It is the lead Delamere.
20:25Thankfully, that is the end of Name That Service Station.
20:32APPLAUSE
20:33This is the news that Gloucester Services has been voted Britain's best.
20:41According to the Daily Mail, in a survey of motorway service stations
20:44across the UK, the company Moto was responsible for some of the worst rated,
20:50filling nine of the table's ten bottom spots.
20:53Which is also what you'll get from their toilet seats.
20:56LAUGHTER
20:58Fingers on buzzers, Tim.
21:01Yeah.
21:07That's clearly Roger Moore's James Bond, with a sort of like a tool kit around his belt.
21:12Is it the new James Bond film, Licence to put together IKEA furniture?
21:15Licence to drill!
21:16Licence to drill.
21:17There's no drill there!
21:18APPLAUSE
21:19This is news that MI5 are looking to hire a carpenter.
21:27According to the Times, the successful recruit will be deployed in the field to help on top-secret
21:32missions by installing bugging devices in furniture and door frames.
21:38It could change the famous dialogue in Goldfinger.
21:40Do you expect me to talk?
21:41No, we expect you to make a coffee table.
21:43LAUGHTER
21:44What are some of the perks of the job?
21:4710% discount at Screwfix, like what?
21:49LAUGHTER
21:50Yeah.
21:51Something practical, I would say.
21:52Something useful.
21:53Where are you advertising for this job?
21:55CheckerTrade.com, I don't really think...
21:57B and Q.
21:59B and Q, right?
22:00Just stick it in a window.
22:01In a window.
22:02Well, you don't want B and Q, because Q does a lot of the arm.
22:05LAUGHTER
22:08Yeah, yeah.
22:10APPLAUSE
22:11This is the news that MI5 are looking to hire an in-house carpenter.
22:15The starting salary is £43,000 or £40,000 cash.
22:20LAUGHTER
22:26Fingers on buzzers, James.
22:27Yes.
22:30I think I'm reading the wrong newspapers.
22:33This is the news that one in three people aged 18 to 24
22:37could not identify a hole punch.
22:40According to one Gen Z office worker,
22:42young people don't use paper that much.
22:44Yes.
22:45When told that a hole punch was used to put A4 paper into ring binders,
22:48some asked, what is a ring binder?
22:52Of the 1,000 18 to 24-year-olds that were surveyed,
22:56what were some of the other stationary items
22:58that they were perplexed about?
23:00A rubber.
23:01Um...
23:02Well, you wouldn't call a rubber.
23:03Yeah, I was like, whoa.
23:04An eraser.
23:06LAUGHTER
23:08You got the condoms on the station area?
23:10LAUGHTER
23:14Oh, an eraser, a rubber.
23:15OK, rubber, all right.
23:16Yeah, yeah.
23:17Say this when you say rubber to me.
23:20Yeah, that hand movement doesn't help.
23:22LAUGHTER
23:23You don't need a rubber if you're doing that.
23:28You don't need that.
23:31Oh, dear me.
23:34They were baffled by pencil sharpeners and paper clips.
23:37I like a pencil.
23:38Do you?
23:39Yeah.
23:40I do an HB2.
23:41In other news...
23:42Yeah.
23:43Yeah.
23:44Unfortunately...
23:46No, the HB2 joke's been delayed.
23:48LAUGHTER
23:54This is the news that young people are struggling with the concept of a hole punch.
23:58To be fair these days, where would you even find a hole punch?
24:01Or a fax machine?
24:03Apart from the private eye office.
24:05LAUGHTER
24:09Although even in the private eye office, Ian's the only one that can work the quill sharpener.
24:13LAUGHTER
24:15The idea that I would sharpen my own quills.
24:18Yeah.
24:20LAUGHTER
24:22I'm just saying, my supposed reputation for being highbrow,
24:25I got an absolute flood of letters, because in last week's issue...
24:30Yes.
24:31..I said the theme tune for the Eurovision Song Contest...
24:33Yes.
24:34..was Handel.
24:35Yeah.
24:36And it wasn't, it was Charpentier.
24:37Yes.
24:38Can you believe it?
24:39You idiot.
24:40And it was his te diem, and I haven't been able to go out in the streets
24:43and look in the room.
24:44LAUGHTER
24:45I just feel an utter fool.
24:47And these letters, they kept coming in.
24:49One...
24:50..and another one.
24:51Two...
24:52LAUGHTER
24:53APPLAUSE
24:54OK, time now for Missing Words Round.
24:58We'll start with...
24:59Brits are second best in the world at what, just behind Americans?
25:04What a load of fucking rubbish.
25:15LAUGHTER
25:17One of the politest nations in this study is Hong Kong,
25:20Brits are second-best in the world at swearing, just behind Americans.
25:26What a load of fucking rubbish.
25:30One of the politest nations in the study is Hong Kong,
25:33where banned words include fuck, shit and democracy.
25:41Next, Bolton Swindon, that what, branded disgusting.
25:47Resemble Mussolini.
25:49Spell out the phrase, up yours, Swindon.
25:52Look like they're phallic.
25:53You're close, it's something else that goes in your mouth.
25:59Not yours.
26:00That's nice talk, isn't it?
26:02That's nice talk, not yours.
26:03This is BBC One, you know.
26:07Ah, ah, ah.
26:09Correct.
26:10Bolton Swindon, that look like cigarettes, branded disgusting.
26:18They are cigarettes.
26:19They are cigarettes.
26:20Look.
26:21Lastly, new tidying method says the best way to declutter your home is to what?
26:26Is it ask your children to leave?
26:32New tidying method says the best way to declutter your home is to ask yourself,
26:37would I keep this if it was covered in effluent?
26:40What?
26:41Does that include your husbands?
26:43This idea has been publicized by Amanda Johnson, who is an influencer and content creator,
26:51who recommends we all get rid of things that don't serve a purpose.
26:56Which is dangerous words coming from an influencer and content creator.
27:01So the final scores are Ian and Guz have two points, Paul and Kirstie have four points.
27:12What are you guys?
27:16But, before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
27:21Do you think I should stop the ozempic now?
27:24No.
27:25On which note, we say thank you to our panelists, Ian Hislop and Guz Khan, Paul Merton and Kirstie
27:33Wark, and I leave you with news that there's a dramatic moment at Crufts as a life is saved
27:39using the Heimlich Maneuver.
27:44In his new favorite sport of human snooker...
27:48Snooker?
27:49Yes.
27:50Snooker.
27:51Snooker.
27:52Snooker's right.
27:53In his first favorite sport of human snooker,
27:56Pope Leo lines up a very tricky six-ball plant.
28:00And in London, a familiar face turns up for the reality TV industry's
28:08bell-end-of-the-year awards.
28:14Good night.
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29:00Good night.
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29:04Good night.
29:05Good night.