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  • 5/25/2025
Have I Got News for You S69 E08

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00:00.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:37Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:40I'm Victoria Cora Mitchell. In the news this week...
00:43In Thailand, there are concerns that scooter thieves
00:46are becoming more brazen by the day.
00:49LAUGHTER
00:57At a gym in Brazil, as dawn breaks,
01:00a couple of locals pop in for a quick workout.
01:09And at the BBC, there are doubts about the production values
01:12of the new series of Walking With Dinosaurs.
01:19On Ian's team tonight is a comedian whose spectacular dancing performance
01:23in Strictly recently won a BAFTA,
01:25beating a sex scene from Bridgerton,
01:27which was equally rhythmic but with rather more basic hip action.
01:30Please welcome Chris McCausland.
01:37On Paul's team tonight is a journalist and broadcaster
01:40who's admitted that she keeps roadkill in her freezer.
01:43Makes sense.
01:44Sometimes when you get home after a busy day,
01:46all you've got time to do is microwave a badger.
01:48Please welcome Janet Street Porter.
01:50APPLAUSE
01:55We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
01:57Ian and Chris, here's yours.
01:59Well, you want to talk us through this?
02:01Yeah, Chris, there's our Prime Minister
02:03and Ursula von der Leyen doing the Brexit deal.
02:06There's some sausages looking rather revolting.
02:08There's a fish's head.
02:09There's a cat going on holiday.
02:11LAUGHTER
02:12Um, and... Oh, my God.
02:13LAUGHTER
02:14Oh, thank God for that.
02:17It's a man underneath a blanket.
02:19It looked like it was a bit dirty, did it, at one point?
02:21It looked like it was a new Channel 4 show.
02:23LAUGHTER
02:25Um, so the early stuff is the EU...
02:27Yeah, it's all the EU stuff, innit?
02:28Look, it's the chance to talk about Brexit again.
02:30It just never ends.
02:31Nobody said this is going to go on forever.
02:33If you were to ask half of the people who voted Brexit,
02:35half of them now would go,
02:36I wish we hadn't bothered, wouldn't they?
02:38Well, you can say that.
02:39I can't, cos I'm very balanced.
02:42LAUGHTER
02:44But Keir Starmer had a triumphant cry.
02:47He's being very positive.
02:48What was that cry?
02:49The cry was, I've done the deal.
02:51I need to turn it into Trump.
02:53Britain is back, he said.
02:55Back where?
02:56Well, he said it, standing between Ursula von der Leyen,
02:59the President of the European Commission,
03:01and the President of the European Council, Antonio Costa.
03:04He's done well since he left blue, hasn't he?
03:06Yeah.
03:07LAUGHTER
03:09Isn't it the worst of both worlds, though?
03:11Because he is upsetting all the people that voted Brexit,
03:14and yet not going back into Europe.
03:16So who's happy with it?
03:17Nobody.
03:18But mentioning Brexit, no-one's happy.
03:20Do you know what?
03:21It's like if the EU was like nuts,
03:23and then you've got people who are completely allergic to nuts,
03:25and people who really, really love nuts,
03:27and Keir Starmer's gone,
03:29I've got three nuts.
03:31LAUGHTER
03:36That's exactly what it is.
03:39LAUGHTER
03:40Well, maybe next time you'll be doing the negotiations.
03:43LAUGHTER
03:45But you can take your cat on holiday now.
03:47Yeah.
03:48Through an e-gate.
03:49What's not to like?
03:50You can take your cat to the Canary Islands.
03:52Yeah.
03:53You're right, I'm just...
03:55You're nitpicking.
03:56I'm talking the whole deal down.
03:58LAUGHTER
03:59The other thing is, the e-gates,
04:00more of us can go through the e-gates,
04:02but my passport with the chip has never worked,
04:04so I've never had the luxury of going through an e-gate,
04:07even though he thrived to go in the queue.
04:09You won't go to the front of the queue
04:10until you look like Holly Willoughby anyway.
04:12LAUGHTER
04:14Nothing's actually done.
04:15Let's all talk about what might happen.
04:17Yes.
04:18But, yes, so pet passports would be coming back,
04:20and that's good news, isn't it?
04:22Does anybody take a cat on holiday?
04:24Is this if you're moving out?
04:25Who's taking a cat on holiday?
04:27But they're looking for votes.
04:28This could be a real vote winner.
04:30Yeah.
04:31It's all those unexpected little subjects,
04:32like taking your cat on holiday.
04:34Yeah.
04:35But the pet passports are subject to the same rules
04:37as the human ones, so no smiling in the photo.
04:40LAUGHTER
04:43We're seeing a very angry cat there.
04:45Victoria, can I just point out,
04:47at the beginning of the show,
04:48you said that I had roadkill and badger.
04:50Mm-hm.
04:51My dog is called Badger
04:52and I'd like to say sorry to him right now
04:54in case he's offended.
04:56You mentioned the sausage news.
04:58What's changed there?
04:59Sorry, this is not in relation to your dog.
05:01LAUGHTER
05:03I mean, I understand that your dog
05:05might have a good time on holiday,
05:07but your cat's not going to enjoy it.
05:09We can now sell sausages to the EU if we comply.
05:12LAUGHTER
05:13You're obsessed with these sausages, aren't you?
05:15Yeah.
05:16Are you obsessed?
05:17I'll tell you who's obsessed with sausages.
05:18Who is?
05:19Do you remember?
05:20Let's have a listen.
05:21I call again for an immediate ceasefire in Gaza.
05:24The return of the sausages.
05:26The hostages.
05:27LAUGHTER
05:30I mean...
05:31What I love is the way he sorrowfully corrects himself.
05:34The sausages.
05:35The hostages.
05:36Who would say sausages?
05:38Who would say sausages when they mean hostages?
05:41How do we know he didn't mean hostages this time?
05:43And he's opened the door to British hostages
05:47being allowed to go to the EU.
05:49LAUGHTER
05:51What does Nigel Farage think of the New Deal?
05:54He's been on holiday while it was all unveiled.
05:56He was on his long-awaited, long-earned,
05:58very well-deserved rest not in the country.
06:01Yeah, he didn't turn up to the announcement of the reset in Parliament.
06:04You'd think the one moment in his new MP's job.
06:07But no, he was on a holiday.
06:09And didn't take his cat.
06:10LAUGHTER
06:12The deal that they're extending for the next 12 years
06:14is exactly the same deal that Boris Johnson negotiated
06:17and said was a brilliant deal.
06:19Yeah.
06:20It's come to an end, we had to renegotiate it.
06:22To do a deal, which is very difficult to explain to people,
06:26you need two people to agree.
06:28LAUGHTER
06:29And if we're trying to get a better deal with Europe,
06:31just to sell them something, sausages without...
06:33We have to negotiate.
06:35And this is a real problem for a lot of commentators.
06:38LAUGHTER
06:41Do you know what we offer...
06:43We?
06:44Yeah.
06:45The UK offered in our negotiation on the fishing deal?
06:47Yes.
06:48What was that?
06:49I'd rather not answer.
06:50LAUGHTER
06:52I'm going to guess fish.
06:54Well, Keir Starmer offered...
06:56Yeah.
06:57..that Europe would have access to our fishing grounds,
06:59an extension for a year...
07:01Yes.
07:02..and then he accepted it would be three years
07:04and then just at the last minute before the press conference...
07:06Yes.
07:07..France said, do you know what, we want 12.
07:08Oh, right.
07:09And he had to say yes.
07:10Yeah.
07:11He's extending the fishing limits to five miles inland, isn't he?
07:14LAUGHTER
07:16I haven't read that.
07:17No, neither would I.
07:18LAUGHTER
07:20What did Boris Johnson think of the trade deal?
07:22He said it was an appalling surrender
07:25and he said that Sir Keir was acting like an orange ball-chewing
07:30manacled gimp.
07:32LAUGHTER
07:35I mean, we say to young journalists, you know,
07:37write about what you know.
07:38LAUGHTER
07:41Did it say ball-chewing?
07:43Orange ball-chewing.
07:44Oh!
07:45Oh, it's ball, OK.
07:46Oh!
07:47So he's not orange.
07:48The ball's orange.
07:49The ball is orange.
07:50What's the ball?
07:51It's in the mouth of the gimp.
07:52I had to look a lot of this up.
07:53LAUGHTER
07:54And this won't be broadcast.
07:57And this is in a family newspaper and it's much quoted
08:00and Boris seems to think this is fine.
08:03This is what most people are thinking.
08:05Well, it is now.
08:06LAUGHTER
08:09Would you like to see Victoria Derbyshire
08:11giving a prominent Conservative MP air time to express his views about the deal?
08:16Absolutely.
08:17Let's see.
08:18Welcome to you.
08:19Would you say the Conservative Party are still the party of business?
08:23They certainly are.
08:24And I'd also say...
08:25Before you go on, the reason I ask is because on today's deal,
08:28the Federation of Small Businesses like the deal.
08:31The CBI likes the deal.
08:32The British Chambers of Commerce like it.
08:34The Food and Drink Federation like it.
08:36UK Hospitality likes it.
08:38Salmon Scotland likes it.
08:39The British Meat Processors Association likes it.
08:42Morrison Supermarket likes it.
08:44Are they all wrong?
08:46LAUGHTER
08:49There is an ideological tug of war going on within the Labour Party.
08:52What was the big thing this week?
08:54Winter fuel allowance.
08:55What's happened there?
08:56Well, this has been called a U-turn.
08:58But the trouble is, once you've made that original decision,
09:00whatever you do, you're then sort of, like, criticised.
09:02We are walking into a pensions crisis, though,
09:04because everybody's living longer,
09:06so maybe cutting that winter fuel allowance would help solve...
09:09LAUGHTER
09:11..would solve another problem.
09:13LAUGHTER
09:15What do you think of Rachel Reeves?
09:16Does she impress you as a character?
09:18I don't want to demean her,
09:19because I think she's doing quite a good job, actually.
09:21Stunned silence and unenvious.
09:24LAUGHTER
09:25I think Rachel Reeves has held her nerve so far.
09:28I mean, I cannot imagine working with Angela Rayner,
09:31because she's a larger-than-life character.
09:34She's got red hair, she's loud-mouthed.
09:36LAUGHTER
09:38Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:41I was in a taxi the other day, driven by an old friend of mine,
09:44actually, a chap called Norman, who I used to play poker with,
09:46and I mentioned I was coming on the show,
09:48and he went,
09:49Oh, I love Janet Street Porter.
09:50She used to be a bit rough and ready, but she talks so posh now.
09:53LAUGHTER
09:55But, Rachel Reeves's voice, interestingly,
09:59some people say it's a bit too deep and booming and foghorn.
10:02Like, I don't think that's fair. I mean, have a look at this.
10:04We have to now go, in fact, to the Chancellor of the Exchequer,
10:08Rachel Reeves, who's been speaking about the inflation data.
10:13The numbers today are clearly disappointing.
10:16We've got to see inflation coming down
10:18after the cost-of-living challenges that people have been through.
10:21LAUGHTER
10:22Oh, it's running at the wrong speed.
10:25LAUGHTER
10:26Oh, come to me.
10:27Well, it's not me.
10:28Listen, that was a mistake that was made on Sky News,
10:30but it could improve many politicians.
10:32I mean, have a listen to this.
10:33Yes.
10:34Now, in a diverse nation like this,
10:36and I celebrate that,
10:38these rules become even more important.
10:41LAUGHTER
10:42Without them, we risk becoming an island of strangers.
10:46Sunak stood up and said,
10:47I will stop the boats.
10:48LAUGHTER
10:49Passed millions of boats at the general election.
10:51Starmer today has made a firm pledge
10:53that there'll be a big reduction in numbers.
10:55If there's not, he'll pay a very, very heavy price.
10:58LAUGHTER
10:59Because we are draining the swamp.
11:01LAUGHTER
11:02And the days of rule by unelected bureaucrats are over.
11:07LAUGHTER
11:09This is Keir Starmer's deal with the EU,
11:11which has been seen by Brexiteers as a total sell-out.
11:14Brexiteers have claimed the New Deal offers freedom of movement
11:17by the back door.
11:19To be fair to...
11:20LAUGHTER
11:21LAUGHTER
11:22The audience has defined itself.
11:26LAUGHTER
11:27To be fair to Keir Starmer,
11:28that's his only option while all his front doors are being repaired.
11:31LAUGHTER
11:32It's a firebombing joke.
11:34Meanwhile...
11:35LAUGHTER
11:36Always the best.
11:37Discussing the contents of the trade deal,
11:39The Daily Telegraph reported...
11:41Pet passports will be introduced for UK cats and dogs,
11:44and businesses will be able to sell burgers and sausages to the EU.
11:48God, I hope those two aren't linked.
11:50LAUGHTER
11:51Sausages are always linked.
11:52LAUGHTER
11:54Thank you very much.
11:55APPLAUSE
11:57Paul and Janet, here's yours.
12:00Yes.
12:01OK, we know this man is Donald Trump.
12:04That's Ronald Reagan from the 80s.
12:07We're wearing a cowboy hat, that's a cartoon missile,
12:10probably from a Popeye film.
12:12And that's Melania.
12:14LAUGHTER
12:16I think it's all to do with Donald Trump wanting to be someone
12:21who has a legacy, so this week he announced a new missile defence
12:25system...
12:26The Golden Dome, he's calling it, isn't he?
12:27The Golden Dome.
12:28Have you seen...
12:29Have you seen Donald Trump's mantelpiece?
12:31I beg your pardon?
12:32LAUGHTER
12:34Donald Trump...
12:35His mantelpiece is gold, gold, gold...
12:39But it's all crap.
12:40Well, we've got a picture of him in the Oval Office
12:42with the gold dome, if you'd like to see that.
12:44Oh, yes.
12:45Please.
12:46There he is.
12:47Let's see the detailed plan.
12:48Oh, my...
12:49LAUGHTER
12:51They're going to have missiles in space...
12:53Yeah, yeah.
12:54..that will fire down to get rid of other missiles.
12:57Like a £500 billion kind of defence system
13:01and it sounds like an ITV quiz show.
13:04Donald Trump's golden dome.
13:06LAUGHTER
13:09Because Israel has a system like this, which is called the Iron Dome.
13:13That's right.
13:14So he has to have a golden dome.
13:15Yeah.
13:16It's Elon Musk's company, of course.
13:17SpaceX, that's going to have the contract to...
13:19Yes.
13:20No surprises there, then.
13:21They're going to launch rockets equipped with lethal payloads into orbit.
13:25And, of course, they did that trial run with Katy Perry, didn't they?
13:28LAUGHTER
13:29I don't know what they're doing.
13:32APPLAUSE
13:34Have you heard about the reality show that the Department of Homeland Security is thinking of commissioning?
13:41Oh, yes.
13:42Is it sort of like if you win the competition you get to stay in America?
13:45Yes.
13:46Oh, no.
13:47LAUGHTER
13:48Oh, really?
13:49I thought I was making it up.
13:50No.
13:51It's called The American.
13:52And the format is...
13:53Migrants compete for US citizenship by undertaking typically American challenges like log rolling
14:00in Wisconsin, auto assembly in Detroit, and getting shot by a police officer in Chicago.
14:07LAUGHTER
14:09This idea has been pitched by a producer called Rob Wursoff.
14:13LAUGHTER
14:16Staying with Trump supporters.
14:18Yes.
14:19Why was a couple from Rhode Island disappointed with a watch they'd bought?
14:24Oh, yes, I saw this story.
14:26It's a very ugly watch.
14:27It's like a pink, sort of gold watch.
14:29And, er, written inside the face of the watch it says Trump, but the T was missing.
14:34That's right.
14:35They bought it from gettrumpwatches.com.
14:37Yeah.
14:38$640.
14:39Yeah.
14:40It was supposed to look like this.
14:41But, in fact, it looked like this.
14:43Oh!
14:44LAUGHTER
14:45But I like that.
14:46It's a great watch.
14:47I mean, a Trump watch should presumably tell you the time that he should be doing.
14:52LAUGHTER
14:55Tim Pettit was the fellow.
15:00Yes.
15:01He bought the watch for his wife Melanie.
15:03He said,
15:04Well, you won't be disappointed then, will you?
15:11The new American Pope had a special visitor this week.
15:15Who was that?
15:16Yes.
15:17It was Vance.
15:18Oh, blimey.
15:19Have they let him back in?
15:20Yeah.
15:21And the Pope's still alive.
15:22Yeah.
15:23Which is amazing.
15:24Yeah.
15:25Because Vance took over as the Grim Reaper.
15:27Yeah, exactly.
15:28Gave him an invite, didn't he?
15:30To the White House.
15:31Did he give him an invite to the White House?
15:32He did, yes.
15:33Now, let's see His Holiness' excitement at the invitation.
15:37First of all, there's a letter from the President and the First Lady inviting you to come to you.
15:41There are many things to do, but I wanted to make sure I keep...
15:45LAUGHTER
15:46APPLAUSE
15:48It's a huge invitation, isn't it?
15:54Huge.
15:55It's about...
15:56He's got to hold it in both hands.
15:57It's an enormous envelope.
15:58You want to see the size of Donald Trump's writing, though?
16:00He uses a crayon.
16:01LAUGHTER
16:02This is Donald Trump's plan to create a golden dome in the United States.
16:07Meanwhile, Trump is said to be working on a plan to move a million Palestinians from Gaza to Libya,
16:12even though the US State Department advises against travel to Libya due to crime, terrorism,
16:17unexploded landmines, civil unrest, kidnapping and armed conflict.
16:22To which the Ghazans responded, sounds all right.
16:25LAUGHTER
16:26According to Donald Trump, Iran has sort of agreed a deal on its nuclear programme.
16:31In the same way for most of his life, Donald has sort of obtained consent.
16:36LAUGHTER
16:38APPLAUSE
16:40One possible obstacle to a nuclear deal with Iran is that Trump is seen as the murderer
16:46of General Qasim Soleimani, commander of the elite Quds Force,
16:51Iran's crack Scrabble team.
16:53LAUGHTER
16:55APPLAUSE
17:01Time now for round two, the one-armed noise bandit of news.
17:04Oh!
17:05Fingers on buzzers, teams.
17:07BUZZER
17:17For Janet.
17:18This was quite an obscure story, but it's a couple who are having a romantic weekend
17:23at a hotel and the husband told the hotel staff that my wife is very fond of crisps.
17:28Could you sort of put some crisps on the bed?
17:30LAUGHTER
17:31You've been there, haven't you?
17:34LAUGHTER
17:35And he was expecting them to have bags of crisps.
17:39What they did, they just emptied all the crisps...
17:41LAUGHTER
17:43..onto the bed.
17:44And the couple in the next room heard a lot of pork scratching during the night.
17:49LAUGHTER
17:50Let's have a look at the crisps strewn on the bed.
17:53LAUGHTER
18:00Johnny Norman and his wife Rachel on a romantic weekend in Blackpool.
18:05There's an oxymoron on a romantic weekend in Blackpool.
18:08Yeah.
18:09Big dipper. Well, I'm doing my best.
18:11LAUGHTER
18:13What did Rachel make of the gesture?
18:16LAUGHTER
18:17She was touched.
18:19According to the Manchester Evening News,
18:21Rachel thought they were victims of a strange break-in.
18:24LAUGHTER
18:25But she still decided to eat some of them.
18:27LAUGHTER
18:28I think if I was on a date and I'd gone in and seen that,
18:31I might have thought, well, I'll give it a go.
18:34LAUGHTER
18:37And speaking of crisps...
18:38Yes. Yes, as we have been.
18:40Who's just been sacked?
18:41Gary Lineker.
18:42He's left the BBC after retweeting an offensive anti-Semitic tweet
18:49by someone else about Israel and Gaza.
18:52And having become famous essentially for saying that the government
18:57had used the language of the 1930s in Germany,
19:02he failed to spot that one of the big things they did in 1930s Germany
19:07was refer to Jews as rats.
19:09So he retweeted a rat and understandably had to resign.
19:14I just think, I'm sure he's a decent guy,
19:17but to retweet something like that on that subject
19:21without being ultra-careful what you are retweeting is stupid.
19:26Things aren't black and white and you have to be careful with the nuance,
19:29which obviously I always am and get into no trouble ever.
19:32LAUGHTER
19:33People can be quite anti-BBC and so look for any reason
19:36to have a go at the BBC in these issues,
19:39but if you had a footballer tweeting things that made the team look bad,
19:42these people would be let go, you know what I mean?
19:44So why is it different?
19:46Yeah, and my main objection to the whole thing was,
19:48I don't mind him talking about politics, but the football...
19:52LAUGHTER
19:54Would you keep the VAR system?
19:59LAUGHTER
20:01Um, yes.
20:04I'll tell you what, I'm doing it next season, I'm going to be quicker.
20:07Yeah.
20:08APPLAUSE
20:11Finally, would you like to hear a highly respected broadcaster
20:18falling off a chair?
20:19Yes, please.
20:20Yes!
20:21Here we go.
20:22If they're supplying this service, I want to see what that service is
20:25and I don't want my water to be polluted.
20:27And this is where, you know, I think reform will do very well,
20:31as they did with the Scunthorpe Steelworks,
20:33so they came directly to say that's an area government needs to step in,
20:37that's where nationalisation needs to come in.
20:39Oh, oh!
20:40Oh!
20:41Oh, my God.
20:42OK, forget it.
20:43Fine, fine, fine.
20:44Just carry on.
20:45And...
20:46And so...
20:47There's...
20:48Er...
20:49Er...
20:50If you'd have asked me what that was,
20:53I never would have thought a chair sounded like a building had collapsed.
20:56LAUGHTER
20:57He sounds like he's in Platoon, and then...
20:59Just go on without me!
21:00Carry on!
21:01LAUGHTER
21:02Leave me behind!
21:04LAUGHTER
21:06Fingers on buzzers, teams.
21:08Handle.
21:09No.
21:10It's the water music.
21:11Companies...
21:12It's the theme tune for one of the most watched programmes in the world.
21:14News at 10.
21:15LAUGHTER
21:16It's like a huge programme.
21:17Oh, yes.
21:18Handle tonight.
21:19LAUGHTER
21:20The Eurovision Song Contest.
21:21OK.
21:22Yes.
21:23Yes.
21:24Who won?
21:25Oh, Austria.
21:26Yeah.
21:27It was Austria.
21:28Music.
21:29LAUGHTER
21:30How did the UK get on?
21:32Oh, they got nought points.
21:33In the public vote.
21:34In the public vote.
21:35In the public vote.
21:36Did you vote for them, Paul?
21:37I didn't know it was on.
21:38LAUGHTER
21:39The French one was good.
21:40Somebody pointed out that it looked like the French lady had a little bit of tummy trouble.
21:41Oh, yes.
21:42Shall we have a look?
21:43Yeah, go on then.
21:44mistakenly.
21:45get on oh they got naught points in the problem in the public vote did you vote
21:50for them Paul I didn't know it was on the French one was good somebody pointed
21:55out that it looked like the French lady had a little bit of tummy trouble oh
21:58yes you got him
22:00I was about to say I've never really been into shows where you have to vote before but I've
22:18realized I actually quite like them now did you win on the popular vote I mean I don't like to talk
22:24about it Ian but maybe it was the greatest thing that's ever been on television and perhaps the
22:31greatest achievement that Chris's personality remained the same all the way through and he
22:35was like a comedian except he did this incredible dancing do you know what 20 odd years is the best
22:39compliment like a comedian I'm putting her on me tour posters did anybody see
22:54the finish entry yes quite the people that tuned in don't think anybody made the finish entry
23:01Erica Vickman's already quite raunchy song a comma yeah oh yeah it was enhanced by adding a sign
23:08language interpreter into the mix let's have a look at this
23:24this is the Eurovision song contest the UK entry did receive the maximum 12 points from the Italian
23:39jury although it turned out that was the one and only concession Keir Starmer managed to wrangle
23:43from the EU time now for the missing words round which this week features as its guest publication
23:50quarry management you should read this week's fantastic piece about a key element of successful
23:54quarrying it's dynamite and we start with drivers in the south of France can now what at the roadside
24:03build their own quarry it's not a quarrying one drivers in the south of France can now buy wine from
24:12vending machines at the road the French roadside wine dispensers cater for drivers of every taste
24:18white van man and red van man next quarry fans should have the date of what firmly in their diaries
24:31what's the big event of the quarry what's the big event of the quarry miss quarry
24:37quarry fans should have the date of the UK concrete show in their diaries oh I've given out the concrete
24:45awards have you I should know that yeah I've presented the glass awards the concrete awards and the brick
24:53awards who's that to the thickest person well all the more reason to have the date of the UK concrete
25:02show firmly in your diaries although just to warn you that date's not set in stone
25:05next local council plans Britain's first-ever festival dedicated to what corruption local council plans
25:17Britain's first-ever festival dedicated to Margaret Thatcher the festival will feature special beers to
25:26celebrate Thatcher including Iron Lady and Grantham lass and for later in her life old peculiar there'll be a
25:34variety of events at the Thatcher festival but apparently no dancing because her grave is elsewhere
25:38next couple who what for four hours say it was the worst experience of their lives
25:49supported Leeds United had sex on bed full of crisps
25:54couple who were locked in Madame Tussauds for four hours say it was the worst experience of their lives
26:02they should have started moving after their experience of being locked in Madame Tussauds in
26:08Blackpool Michelle Robinson said I would never go back there as says everyone after a visit
26:13finally research shows 67% of British students rarely what study visit a quarry
26:23research shows 67% of British students rarely use semicolons 33% of students use semicolons yeah
26:35well that's shocking isn't it yeah they use them to make a winky face when there's any dick pic
26:39how many people are in this audience give us a cheer if you've ever used a semicolon grammatically this year
26:51oh god fuck yourselves
26:57you're very unlucky that the semicolon appreciation society has put out the first five rows tonight
27:04so the final scores are Ian and Chris have five Paul and Janet have six
27:09before we go it's just time for the caption competition well I'll leave this to you mate otherwise we'll be here all night
27:23look you can deny sleeping with my wife until you're blue in the face
27:30on which note we say thank you to our panelists Ian Hislop and Chris McCausland Paul Merton and Janet Street Porter
27:35and I leave you with news that despite the EU trade deal Emmanuel Macron can't resist drawing attention to the UK's over generous sausage quota
27:48stars turn out to the premiere of the new Mission Impossible film as Bono prepares to meet Tom Cruise
27:57and at a polo match in Buckinghamshire there's shock as a freak gust of wind blows away the tent that was concealing Prince Andrew and a young friend
28:04goodnight
28:11goodnight
28:13goodnight
28:17great
28:20good night
28:24good night
28:25good night
28:36clean
28:38on iPlayer my grandfather worked in a quarry I've just remembered yeah my dad
28:53was a civil engineer I was conceived on a bed of crisps