- 28/05/2025
Victoria Coren Mitchell is host, with guest panellists actor and comedian Chris McCausland and broadcaster and journalist Janet Street-Porter joining team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop as they delve into the news.
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00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:37Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:40I'm Victoria Coren-Mitchell. In the news this week,
00:43in Thailand, there are concerns that scooter thieves
00:46are becoming more brazen by the day.
00:51LAUGHTER
00:54LAUGHTER
00:57At a gym in Brazil, as dawn breaks,
01:00a couple of locals pop in for a quick workout.
01:03LAUGHTER
01:09And at the BBC, there are doubts about the production values
01:12of the new series of Walking With Dinosaurs.
01:15LAUGHTER
01:20On Ian's team tonight is a comedian whose spectacular
01:23dancing performance in Strictly recently won a BAFTA,
01:26beating a sex scene from Bridgerton, which was equally rhythmic
01:29but with rather more basic hip action.
01:31Please welcome Chris McCausland.
01:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:37On Paul's team tonight is a journalist and broadcaster
01:40who's admitted that she keeps roadkill in her freezer.
01:43Makes sense. Sometimes when you get home after a busy day,
01:46all you've got time to do is microwave a badger.
01:49Please welcome Janet Street Porter.
01:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:55We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
01:58Ian and Chris, here's yours.
02:00You want to talk us through this?
02:02Yeah, Chris, there's our Prime Minister and Ursula von der Leyen
02:05doing the Brexit deal.
02:06There's some sausages looking rather revolting.
02:08There's a fishy's head.
02:09There's a cat going on holiday.
02:12Oh, my God.
02:14LAUGHTER
02:16Thank God for that. It's a man underneath a blanket.
02:19It looked like it was a bit dirty, did it, at one point?
02:22It looked like it was a new Channel 4 show.
02:25So the early stuff is the EU.
02:27Yeah, it's all the EU stuff, innit?
02:29Look, it's the chance to talk about Brexit again.
02:31It just never ends.
02:32Nobody said this was going to go on forever.
02:34If you were to ask half the people that voted Brexit,
02:36half of them now would go,
02:37I wish we hadn't bothered, wouldn't they?
02:39Well, you can say that. I can't, because I'm very balanced.
02:42LAUGHTER
02:45But Keir Starmer had a triumphant cry.
02:47He's being very positive. What was that cry?
02:49The cry was, I've done the deal.
02:52I need to turn it into Trump.
02:53Britain is back, he said.
02:55Back where?
02:56Well, he said it standing between Ursula von der Leyen,
02:59the President of the European Commission,
03:01and the President of the European Council, Antonio Costa.
03:04He's done well since he left Blue, hasn't he?
03:06Yeah.
03:07LAUGHTER
03:09Isn't it the worst of both worlds, though?
03:11Because he is upsetting all the people that voted Brexit
03:14and yet not going back into Europe.
03:16So, who's happy with it, then?
03:18Nobody, but mentioning Brexit, no-one's happy.
03:20Do you know what, it's like if the EU was like nuts
03:23and then you've got people who are completely allergic to nuts
03:26and people who really, really love nuts
03:28and Keir Starmer's gone, I've got three nuts.
03:31LAUGHTER
03:37That's exactly what it is.
03:41Well, maybe next time you'll be doing the negotiations.
03:44Yeah.
03:45But you can take your cat on holiday now.
03:47Yeah.
03:48Through an e-gate.
03:49What's not to like?
03:50You can take your cat to the Canary Islands.
03:52Yeah.
03:53Yeah.
03:54You're right, I'm just...
03:55You're nitpicking.
03:56I'm talking the whole deal down.
03:58The other thing is, the e-gates,
04:00more of us can go through the e-gates,
04:02but my passport with a chip has never worked,
04:04so I've never had the luxury of going through an e-gate.
04:07Even at Heathrow, I have to go in the queue.
04:09You won't go to the front of the queue
04:11until you look like Holly Willoughby anyway.
04:14Nothing's actually done.
04:15Let's all talk about what might happen.
04:17Yes.
04:18But, yeah, so pet passports would be coming back,
04:20and that's good news, isn't it?
04:22Does anybody take a cat on holiday?
04:24Is this if you're moving out?
04:25Who's taken a cat on holiday?
04:27But they're looking for votes.
04:28This could be a real vote winner.
04:30It's all those unexpected little subjects
04:32like taking your cat on holiday.
04:34Yeah.
04:35But the pet passports are subject to the same rules
04:37as the human ones, so no smiling in the photo.
04:40Oh!
04:43We're seeing a very angry cat there.
04:45Victoria, can I just point out, at the beginning of the show,
04:48you said that I had roadkill and badger.
04:50Mm-hm.
04:51My dog is called Badger,
04:52and I'd like to say sorry to him right now in case he's offended.
04:56You mentioned the sausage news.
04:58What's changed there?
05:00Sorry, this is not in relation to your dog.
05:04I mean, I understand that your dog might have a good time on holiday,
05:07but your cat's not going to enjoy it.
05:09We can now sell sausages to the EU...
05:11Yes. ..if we comply.
05:13You're obsessed with these sausages, aren't you?
05:15Are you obsessed?
05:16I'll tell you who's obsessed with sausages.
05:18Who is? Do you remember? Who?
05:19Let's have a listen.
05:21I call again for an immediate ceasefire in Gaza.
05:24The return of the sausages.
05:30I mean...
05:31What I love is the way he sorrowfully corrects himself.
05:34The sausages. The hostages.
05:37Who would say sausages when they mean hostages?
05:41How do we know he didn't mean hostages this time?
05:43And he's opened the door to British hostages
05:47being allowed to go to the EU.
05:51What does Nigel Farage think of the New Deal?
05:54He's been on holiday while it was all unveiled.
05:56He was on his long-awaited, long-earned,
05:58very well-deserved rest, not in the country.
06:01Yeah, he didn't turn up to the announcement
06:03of the reset in Parliament.
06:04You'd think the one moment in his new MP's job,
06:07but, no, he was on a holiday.
06:09And didn't take his cat.
06:12The deal that they're extending for the next 12 years
06:15is exactly the same deal that Boris Johnson negotiated
06:18and said was a brilliant deal.
06:20It's come to an end, we had to renegotiate it.
06:22To do a deal, which is very difficult to explain to people,
06:26you need two people to agree.
06:28And if we're trying to get a better deal with Europe,
06:31just to sell them something, sausages without...
06:34We have to negotiate.
06:36And this is a real problem for a lot of commentators.
06:42Do you know what we, the UK, offered
06:45in our negotiation on the fishing deal?
06:47Yes. What was that?
06:49I'd rather not answer.
06:52I'm going to guess fish.
06:54Well, Keir Starmer offered that Europe would have access
06:58to our fishing grounds, an extension for a year.
07:01Yes. And then he accepted it would be three years,
07:04and then just at the last minute before the press conference,
07:07France said, do you know what, we want 12.
07:09Oh, right. And he had to say yes.
07:11He's extending the fishing limits to five miles inland, isn't he?
07:16I hadn't heard that. No, neither had I.
07:21What did Boris Johnson think of the trade deal?
07:23He said it was an appalling surrender,
07:26and he said that Sir Keir was acting like...
07:35I mean, we say to young journalists, you know,
07:37write about what you know.
07:42Did he say balled chewing?
07:44Orange ball chewing. Oh, it's ball, isn't it?
07:47So he's not orange? The ball's orange?
07:49The ball is orange. What's the ball?
07:51It's in the mouth of the gimp.
07:53I had to look a lot of this up.
07:55And this won't be broadcast.
07:57And this is in a family newspaper, and it's much quoted,
08:00and Boris seems to think this is fine,
08:03this is what most people are thinking.
08:05Well, it is now.
08:09Would you like to see Victoria Derbyshire giving a prominent
08:12Conservative MP air time to express his views about the deal?
08:16Absolutely. Let's see.
08:17Welcome to you.
08:19Would you say the Conservative Party are still the party of business?
08:23They certainly are. And I'd also say...
08:25Before you go on.
08:26The reason I ask is because on today's deal,
08:28the Federation of Small Businesses like the deal,
08:31the CBI likes the deal,
08:32the British Chambers of Commerce like it,
08:34the Food and Drink Federation like it,
08:36UK Hospitality likes it, Salmon Scotland likes it,
08:39the British Meat Processors Association likes it,
08:42Morrison Supermarket likes it.
08:44Are they all wrong?
08:49There is an ideological tug-of-war going on
08:51within the Labour Party.
08:52What was the big thing this week?
08:54Winter fuel allowance.
08:55What's happened there?
08:56Well, it's been called a U-turn,
08:58but the trouble is once you've made that original decision,
09:00whatever you do, you're then sort of criticised.
09:02We are walking into a pensions crisis, though,
09:04because everybody's living longer,
09:06so maybe cutting that winter fuel allowance would help solve...
09:11..would solve another problem.
09:15What do you think of Rachel Reeves?
09:16Does she impress you as a character?
09:18I don't want to demean her,
09:19because I think she's doing quite a good job, actually.
09:22Stunned silence and unenviable.
09:25I think Rachel Reeves has held her nerve so far.
09:28I mean, I cannot imagine working with Angela Rayner,
09:31because she's a larger-than-life character.
09:34She's got red hair, she's loud-mouthed.
09:36Yeah.
09:39Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:41I was in a taxi the other day, driven by an old friend of mine,
09:44actually, a chap called Norman, who I used to play poker with,
09:47and I mentioned I was coming on the show, and he went,
09:49oh, I love Janet Street Porter.
09:50She used to be a bit rough and ready, but she talks so posh now.
09:57But Rachel Reeves's voice, interestingly,
09:59some people say it's a bit too deep and booming and foghorn.
10:02Like, I don't think that's fair. I mean, have a look at this.
10:05We have to now go, in fact, to the Chancellor of the Exchequer,
10:08Rachel Reeves, who's been speaking about the inflation data.
10:13Numbers today.
10:14The numbers today are clearly disappointing
10:16in regards to the inflation coming down,
10:18after the cost-of-living challenges that people have been through.
10:21Oh, mate's running at the wrong speed!
10:25Oh, don't be mean.
10:27Well, he's not mean.
10:28Listen, that was a mistake that was made on Sky News,
10:30but it could improve many politicians.
10:32I mean, have a listen to this. Yes.
10:34Now, in a diverse nation like ours, and I celebrate that,
10:38these rules become even more important.
10:43Without them, we risk becoming an island of strangers.
10:46Soon, Ax stood up and said, I will stop the boats,
10:49costing millions of votes at the general election.
10:51Stormer today has made a firm pledge
10:53that there will be a big reduction in numbers.
10:55If there's not, he'll pay a very, very heavy price.
10:59Because we are draining the swamp of inflation,
11:03and the days of rule by unelected bureaucrats are over.
11:09Keir Starmer did a rare thing in the Commons this week.
11:11What was that?
11:12Did he shave a goat?
11:16No. No? No.
11:18You haven't got the footage, have you?
11:21He apologised, which they don't often do. That's right.
11:24He'd insulted Liz Saville Roberts at PMQs. Yes.
11:28And, you know, he said she was talking rubbish.
11:30I think, let's see that.
11:31Maybe we'll see that with a little adjustment.
11:33Is there any belief he holds
11:35which survives a week in Downing Street?
11:39Yes, the belief that she talks rubbish.
11:45This is Keir Starmer's deal with the EU,
11:47which has been seen by Brexiteers as a total sell-out.
11:50Brexiteers have claimed the new deal
11:52offers freedom of movement by the back door.
11:55To be fair...
11:59The audience has defined itself.
12:03To be fair to Keir Starmer, that's his only option
12:05while all his front doors are being repaired.
12:08It's a firebombing joke.
12:10Meanwhile...
12:13Always the best.
12:14According to The Guardian, negotiations were painstaking,
12:17with much time spent arguing over commas, as well as colons,
12:20and whether the EU would allow them in sausages.
12:28Discussing the contents of the trade deal,
12:31Pet Passports will be introduced for UK cats and dogs
12:34and businesses will be able to sell burgers and sausages to the EU.
12:37God, I hope those two aren't linked.
12:40Sausages are always linked.
12:44Thank you very much.
12:48Paul and Janet, here's yours.
12:50Yes.
12:51OK, we know this man is Donald Trump.
12:54That's Ronald Reagan from the 80s.
12:57We're wearing a cowboy hat, that's a cartoon missile,
13:00probably from a Popeye film.
13:02And that's Melania.
13:06I think it's all to do with Donald Trump wanting to be someone
13:10who has a legacy, so this week he announced
13:13a new missile defence system.
13:15The Golden Dome, he's calling it, isn't he?
13:17The Golden Dome.
13:18Have you seen Donald Trump's mantelpiece?
13:21I beg your pardon?
13:23Donald Trump, his mantelpiece is gold, gold, gold,
13:28but it's all crap.
13:30Well, we've got a picture of him in the Oval Office
13:32with the Gold Dome, if you'd like to see that.
13:34Oh, yes. Please.
13:35There he is.
13:36Let's see the detail plan.
13:40They're going to have missiles in space...
13:42Yeah, yeah.
13:43..that will fire down to get rid of other missiles.
13:46It's like a £500 billion kind of defence system
13:50and it sounds like an ITV quiz show.
13:53Donald Trump's Golden Dome.
13:59Because Israel has a system like this which is called the Iron Dome.
14:02Yes.
14:03So he has to have a Golden Dome.
14:04He doesn't realise that gold is softer than iron.
14:09Anyway, there's a tariff on missiles coming in.
14:15It's about 25% at the moment, but it might change.
14:19It's Elon Musk's company, of course.
14:21SpaceX, that's going to have the contract to...
14:23Oh, no surprises there, then.
14:25They're going to launch rockets equipped with lethal payloads
14:28into orbit.
14:29And, of course, they did that trial run with Katy Perry, didn't they?
14:32So they know what they're doing.
14:39What about the names for the missile defence system?
14:43There are three different options.
14:45There's one, the Gulf of Space.
14:48The White House suggested the names Moonshot Plus.
14:51Moonshot Plus Plus.
14:54Then they couldn't come up with a third one.
14:56Who is the latest person to be ambushed in the Oval Office?
14:59The President of South Africa.
15:01Oh, that was awkward. Did you see that?
15:03What intrigued me is who the President of South Africa
15:06took with him to meet with Donald Trump,
15:09to put Donald Trump in a really good mood.
15:11So he took two professional golfers.
15:14Those were the South African delegation.
15:17Not politicians, not economists, but two top professional golfers.
15:24And, I mean, he just did that thing,
15:26which you obviously have to do now in the White House.
15:28You know, you're the President of South Africa,
15:30this man in front of you says, lower the lights,
15:33and we have a slideshow of made-up videos
15:35talking about white genocide in South Africa,
15:38and you go, hmm, it's like being in an asylum.
15:41It started out quite jolly, didn't it?
15:43The beginning of the meeting was fine.
15:45I'm sorry, I don't have a plane to give you.
15:47I wish you did.
15:49I would take it.
15:51If your country offered the United States Air Force a plane,
15:53I would take it.
15:56And then by the end of the meeting, a slightly different tone.
15:59Death, death, death, horrible death.
16:06Trump produced some pictures of graves where these sort of massacres
16:10of white farmers supposedly happened,
16:12and the President said, well, where is this?
16:17And Trump said, South Africa.
16:21I mean, it was all complete rubbish, but that's what you'd expect.
16:25There's a bonus point available.
16:26Yes, go on, then.
16:27Fingers on buzzers.
16:28BUZZER
16:31I'll ask the question.
16:32Oh, I see, I was confused by the phrase fingers on buzzers.
16:36What do these four have in common?
16:38A 1970s bathroom.
16:40Yes.
16:41A New Zealander.
16:42Yes.
16:43An unwanted third person.
16:45And Bruce Springsteen.
16:47BUZZER
16:49Well, Trump's attacked Bruce Springsteen recently.
16:51Yes.
16:52What did he say about him?
16:53Criticised his skin, which is a bit pot calling the kettle black,
16:56isn't it?
16:57Avocado.
16:59So, an avocado bathroom.
17:01Yes.
17:02A New Zealander.
17:03Yes.
17:04A kiwi.
17:05An unwanted third person.
17:06A gooseberry.
17:07They're all fruits.
17:08And...
17:09Well, Springsteen isn't a fruit.
17:10You're right, it is, yeah.
17:11Sorry.
17:12Donald Trump called Springsteen...
17:14A tomato.
17:15A dried-out prune.
17:16Oh!
17:17A rocker.
17:18But aren't all prunes dried out?
17:19Why say dried-out prune?
17:20That's like saying wet rain.
17:21Yeah.
17:22LAUGHTER
17:23Have you heard about the reality show
17:26that the Department of Homeland Security
17:28is thinking of commissioning?
17:29Oh, yes.
17:31Is it sort of like if you win the competition,
17:33you get to stay in America?
17:34Yes.
17:35Oh, no.
17:36Oh!
17:37I thought I was making it up.
17:38No.
17:39It's called The American, and the format is...
17:45..by undertaking typically American challenges,
17:48like log rolling in Wisconsin...
17:50LAUGHTER
17:51..auto assembly in Detroit...
17:53LAUGHTER
17:54..and getting shot by a police officer in Chicago.
17:56LAUGHTER
17:58This idea has been pitched by a producer called Rob Wersoff.
18:02LAUGHTER
18:05Staying with Trump supporters...
18:07Yes.
18:08..one day was a couple from Rhode Island
18:10disappointed with a watch they'd bought.
18:13Oh, yes, I saw this story.
18:15It's a very ugly watch.
18:16It's like a pink sort of gold watch.
18:18And written inside the face of the watch, it says,
18:21TRUMP, but the T was missing.
18:23That's right.
18:24They bought it from gettrumpwatches.com.
18:26Yeah.
18:27$640.
18:28Yeah.
18:29It was supposed to look like this.
18:30But, in fact, it looked like this.
18:32Oh!
18:33LAUGHTER
18:34But I like that.
18:35It's a great watch.
18:36I mean, a Trump watch should presumably tell you
18:39the time that he should be doing.
18:41LAUGHTER
18:43APPLAUSE
18:49Tim Pettit was the fellow who bought the watch for his wife, Melanie.
18:52He said...
18:56LAUGHTER
18:58Well, you won't be disappointed, then, will you?
19:01The new American pope had a special visitor this week.
19:04Who was that?
19:05Yes.
19:06It was Vance.
19:07Oh, blimey.
19:08Have they let him back in?
19:09Yeah.
19:10And the pope's still alive.
19:11Yeah.
19:12Which is amazing.
19:13Yeah.
19:14Because Vance took over as the Grim Reaper.
19:16Yeah, exactly.
19:17Gave him an invite, didn't he, to the White House?
19:20Did he give him an invite to the White House?
19:22He did, yes.
19:23Let's see His Holiness's excitement at the invitation.
19:26First of all, this is a letter from the President and First Lady
19:29inviting you to come to the UK.
19:31There are many things to do, but I wanted to make sure
19:34that you had a good time.
19:35LAUGHTER
19:36APPLAUSE
19:41This is a huge invitation, isn't it?
19:43Huge.
19:44It's about...
19:45He's got to hold it in both hands.
19:46It's an enormous envelope.
19:47You want to see the size of Donald Trump's writing, though.
19:50He uses a crayon.
19:51LAUGHTER
19:52Who was especially surprised to see the new pope
19:54on the balcony of St Peter's?
19:56Oh, the old pope.
19:57Yeah.
19:58LAUGHTER
20:00It was a personal trainer called Valerio Masella.
20:03Why was he surprised?
20:04Didn't know who he was until he saw him on the telly
20:06and he thought he was a banker or an accountant or something like that.
20:09Yes, according to The Times...
20:15Of course, that was as nothing compared to the effort he's making here.
20:18Smiling at JD Vance.
20:20LAUGHTER
20:22This is Donald Trump's plan to create a golden dome
20:25in the United States.
20:26Meanwhile, Trump is said to be working on a plan
20:28to move a million Palestinians from Gaza to Libya,
20:31even though the US State Department advises against travel to Libya
20:34due to crime, terrorism, unexploded landmines, civil unrest,
20:38kidnapping and armed conflict.
20:41To which the Gazans responded,
20:43Sounds all right.
20:44LAUGHTER
20:46According to Donald Trump, Iran has sort of agreed a deal
20:49on its nuclear programme.
20:51In the same way, for most of his life,
20:53Donald has sort of obtained consent.
20:55LAUGHTER
20:57APPLAUSE
21:02One possible obstacle to a nuclear deal with Iran
21:04is that Trump is seen as the murderer of General Qasem Soleimani,
21:08commander of the elite Quds Force, Iran's crack scrabble team.
21:12LAUGHTER
21:14APPLAUSE
21:20Time now for round two, the one-armed noise bandit of news.
21:23Oh! Fingers on buzzers, teams.
21:25BUZZER
21:26Paula and Janet.
21:27This was quite an obscure story,
21:29but it's a couple who are having a romantic weekend at a hotel
21:34and the husband told the hotel staff that,
21:36my wife is very fond of crisps,
21:38could you sort of put some crisps on the bed?
21:41LAUGHTER
21:43You've been there, haven't you?
21:45LAUGHTER
21:47LAUGHTER
21:49APPLAUSE
21:52You've been there, haven't you?
21:54LAUGHTER
21:56And he was expecting them to have bags of crisps,
21:59but what they did, they just emptied all the crisps...
22:01LAUGHTER
22:03..onto the bed.
22:04And the couple in the next room
22:06heard a lot of pork scratching during the night.
22:09LAUGHTER
22:11Let's have a look at the crisps strewn on the bed.
22:14LAUGHTER
22:17LAUGHTER
22:21Johnny Norman and his wife, Rachel,
22:23on a romantic weekend in Blackpool.
22:25There's an oxymoron, a romantic weekend in Blackpool.
22:29Big dipper. Well, I'm doing me best.
22:31LAUGHTER
22:33What did Rachel make of the gesture?
22:35LAUGHTER
22:37She was touched.
22:38According to the Manchester Evening News,
22:40Rachel thought they were victims of a strange break-in...
22:43LAUGHTER
22:44..but she still decided to eat some of them.
22:46I think if I was on a date and I'd gone in and seen that,
22:50I might have thought,
22:51oh, I'll give it a go.
22:53LAUGHTER
22:56And speaking of crisps... Yes.
22:58Yes, as which we have been.
22:59Who's just been sacked?
23:00Gary Lineker.
23:01He's left the BBC after retweeting
23:04an offensive anti-Semitic tweet
23:08by someone else about Israel and Gaza
23:11and having become famous, essentially,
23:14for saying that the government had used
23:17the language of the 1930s in Germany,
23:21he failed to spot that one of the big things they did
23:24in 1930s Germany was refer to Jews as rats.
23:28So he retweeted a rat and, understandably, had to resign.
23:33I just think, I'm sure he's a decent guy,
23:36but to retweet something like that on that subject
23:40without being ultra-careful what you are retweeting is stupid.
23:45If things aren't black and white,
23:47you have to be careful with the nuance,
23:49which obviously I always am and get into no trouble ever.
23:52People can be quite anti-BBC and so look for any reason
23:55to have a go at the BBC in these issues,
23:58but if you had a footballer tweeting things
24:00that made the team look bad, these people would be let go.
24:03You know what I mean? So why is it different?
24:05Yeah, and my main objection to the whole thing was,
24:08I don't mind him talking about politics, but the football...
24:15Would you keep the VAR system?
24:22Yes.
24:24I'll tell you what, I'm doing it next season, I'm going to be quicker.
24:27Yeah.
24:29APPLAUSE
24:35So, this Sunday, Gary Lineker is finishing his career with the BBC.
24:38Who are you going to follow the 26th World Cup with now, Ian?
24:41Maybe Sam Matterface on ITV?
24:43Yep, he's my man.
24:45Is he really called Sam Matterface? Yeah.
24:47Perhaps I'll just hire Gary Lineker, what do you think?
24:49I think ITV are going to, aren't they?
24:51I'm sure they will hire him to present at another show.
24:53Yeah, they don't mind.
24:56They'll hire anyone.
24:58Thank you, Ian.
25:01Well, I'm sure there'll be a slot for him on Loose Women.
25:10I mean, I'm sure that sounded dirtier than you meant.
25:13I wouldn't bet on it.
25:17Finally, would you like to hear a highly respected broadcaster
25:20falling off a chair? Yes, please. Yes.
25:22Here we go.
25:23If they're supplying this service,
25:25I want to see what that service is
25:27and I don't want my water to be polluted.
25:29And this is where, you know, I think reform will do very well,
25:33as they did with the Scunthorpe steelworks.
25:35So, they came in directly to say,
25:37that's an area the government needs to step in,
25:39that's where nationalisation needs to come in.
25:41Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, my God.
25:43OK, forget it. Fine, fine, fine. Just carry on.
25:46And so, there's...
25:49There's a...
25:53If you asked me what that was, I never would have thought it.
25:56It sounded like a building that collapsed.
25:59It sounds like you're in a platoon,
26:01and then, just go on without me, carry on!
26:04Leave me behind!
26:08This is the news that a man's romantic gesture
26:11for his crisp mad wife went wrong.
26:13Here's the bed covered in crisps.
26:15I'm not saying she was angry at the bed covered with crisps,
26:18but he does now have a sharp pain in the watsits.
26:22Fingers on buzzers, teams.
26:29Hello.
26:31Yes?
26:32Well, that was very... It was a bit of nature and a hello.
26:37Is this... Is this The Talking Trees?
26:39Yes. There you go.
26:41It's the Chelsea Flower Show, because AI's everywhere now.
26:44It's even getting involved in nature,
26:46and they've connected trees up in a way that they can talk to you
26:51and tell you what they want.
26:53And mainly, they just say,
26:55WATER!
26:58I thought they'd done it because there's a royal visit
27:00and they've got to have someone for Charles to talk to.
27:0412 trees have been fitted with sensors.
27:06Here's a sensor.
27:08It seems like it's been sort of hammered into the trunk.
27:10Yes.
27:12They monitor the temperature in the soil.
27:14Yeah.
27:15And visitors can type questions to the tree
27:17and get a written answer about how they are.
27:19Stop hammering fucking sensors into me!
27:24You know, you can ask the trees questions remotely as well.
27:27We did. Yeah.
27:28We asked a silver birch... Yes.
27:30..the question, what do you think of Ian Hislop?
27:35Here's what we got back.
27:37It looks like there's been an issue with tree talk.
27:40Please try again later.
27:42What was the King showing off at the Chelsea Flower Show?
27:46Juggling skills.
27:48A new flower, the King's Rose.
27:50Oh, yes.
27:51They were presenting it formally at Chelsea
27:53and, in fact, the King's Rose was seen in David Beckham's buttonhole.
27:56Oh, blimey.
27:59He really does want that knighthood.
28:01Really tiny shoes at the time.
28:05This is the news that AI can help you talk to trees.
28:08King Charles has spent many hours talking to the trees at Highgrove.
28:11They eventually managed to get a word in.
28:13I see why you're angry, but we thought she was all right in suits.
28:20Fingers on buzzers, teams.
28:31Handle.
28:32It's the Walter music.
28:33It's the theme tune for one of the most watched programmes in the world.
28:38News At Ten.
28:40It's, like, a huge...
28:42Oh, yes. ..programme.
28:43Handle Tonight.
28:46The Eurovision Song Contest.
28:48Oh, yes.
28:49Yes.
28:50Who won?
28:51Oh, Austria.
28:52It was Austria.
28:53Music.
28:57How did the UK get on?
28:59Oh, they got nought points...
29:01In the public vote. ..in the public vote.
29:03Did you vote for them, Paul?
29:05I didn't know it was on.
29:08The French one was good.
29:09Somebody pointed out that it looked like the French lady
29:11had a little bit of tummy trouble.
29:12Oh, yes. Shall we have a look?
29:13Yeah, go on, then.
29:26Golden rain.
29:28I was about to say, I've never really been into shows
29:30where you have to vote before, but I've realised
29:32I actually quite like them now.
29:35Did you win on the popular vote?
29:37I mean, I don't like to talk about it, Ian, but maybe.
29:41Ian, it was the greatest thing that's ever been on television.
29:44And perhaps the greatest achievement, that Chris's personality
29:47remained the same all the way through.
29:49And he was like a comedian, except he did this incredible dancing.
29:52Do you know what? 20-odd years is the best compliment.
29:54Like a comedian.
29:58Kind of.
30:03I'm putting her on my tour posters.
30:07Did anybody see the Finnish entry?
30:09Yes, quite the people that tuned in.
30:11Don't think anybody made it to the Finnish.
30:14The Finnish entry, Erika Vikman's already quite raunchy song,
30:18Ich Komme...
30:20Oh, yeah.
30:21..it was enhanced by adding a sign language interpreter
30:24into the mix.
30:25Let's have a look at this.
30:29HE SINGS IN ITALIAN
30:44She's meant to be doing a sign language.
30:46Yeah.
30:47This is the Eurovision Song Contest.
30:49The UK entry did receive the maximum 12 points from the Italian jury,
30:53although it turned out that was the one and only concession
30:56Keir Starmer managed to wrangle from the EU trade deal.
31:00Time now for the Odd One Out round.
31:02Just one between you this week.
31:03They are...
31:09They're pictures of them.
31:10Ben Houchen, he's the mayor of Teesside.
31:13The top-right man was Paul Hudson.
31:15Now, Paul Hudson I know only too well.
31:18He's the weatherman for BBC Look North.
31:22Yeah.
31:23In every broadcast, he mentioned the weather in Wetwang.
31:27Wetwang.
31:28I think that Paul Hudson was dubbed the Mayor of Wetwang
31:35by another TV presenter, Richard Whiteley,
31:38and James Corden, of course, was overheard saying he was open
31:43to the idea of being Mayor of London.
31:46Of course, he's got all the skills, all the people skills, hasn't he?
31:50Who is the Odd One Out?
31:51The horse.
31:53I'm jumping in there because I think the horse is a mayor.
31:58The horse is a mayor.
32:01The weatherman's a mayor.
32:03And I know you got all this, but I'm taking your findings.
32:05Yeah.
32:06And then the other fella's a mayor, the North East guy,
32:08and James Corden's the only one that wants to be a mayor.
32:11And I would never have got that if you hadn't have told me
32:13anything about the others.
32:16That is the right answer.
32:17Oh, no!
32:18APPLAUSE
32:24I mean, Chris, I'm gutted.
32:26But there are points and we're not sharing them.
32:28Yeah, but also a horse called Patrick is not a mayor.
32:32It is.
32:33No.
32:34No, he's actually a mayor.
32:35It's not a mayor, but it is a mayor.
32:37He is a mayor.
32:39It doesn't work written down.
32:41The horse is the Mayor of Cocklington in Devon.
32:43Yeah.
32:44Oh, good, well, I got it wrong, but for the wrong reason.
32:46It's good.
32:47Patrick, a two-foot miniature Shetland pony...
32:50Yeah.
32:51..was made mayor of the Devon village of Cocklington in 2022
32:55because he was non-judgemental, genuinely caring and supportive
32:58to all.
33:00Here he is in his robes.
33:01Yeah.
33:02Oh!
33:05And what's the controversy surrounding Patrick?
33:07He hasn't done anything.
33:08He's been barred from the pub.
33:10Barred from the pub?
33:11Yes, he used to enjoy popping in for a Guinness.
33:13Yeah.
33:14To the Drum Inn, he had his own table, here he is having a Guinness.
33:18But Torbay local council...
33:21Yes. ..have said that his table doesn't have planning permission.
33:26And he can't even go in the garden because the pub lawn
33:29would have to be reclassified as official grazing land.
33:32And there's almost no scandal about the development corporation
33:36in the horses' area, unlike some of the other people in the photos.
33:41Oh, there's Lord Hoochin.
33:43Teesside.
33:44Have a look.
33:45And Hoochin of Highleven is the mayor of Tees Valley
33:48and the chair of the Tees Valley Combined Authority,
33:51overseeing the regeneration of the country's biggest brownfield site.
33:55Let's see how that regeneration is going.
33:58Yeah, there's been a huge amount of money taken out of the site
34:02and very, very little put in.
34:04I mean, a government panel had a look at this and, you know,
34:07certain various irresponsible members of the press have suggested
34:10there's something pretty fishy going on here.
34:13They've done it every fortnight in their appalling publications.
34:17The inquiry found no evidence of wrongdoing, of course.
34:20No, they didn't, but they found lots of other evidence
34:23of bad management and lack of transparency
34:26and other questions that hadn't been answered.
34:29You know, you can take that either way.
34:33James Corden was asked, would you run for mayor?
34:36And he sort of said, oh, maybe.
34:38He was in conversation at the BAFTAs with Beth Rigby.
34:41I say conversation, I mean, it's possible she just asked him a question
34:44in her traditional style. Let's have a look.
34:46Covid, war in Ukraine, finally...
34:50Are you looking forward to the election?
34:52Can you win it? Can you win it?
34:54That was Richard Holden, the Conservative Party chair.
34:57I just saw him out of my... I love it, though.
35:01Well, Paul the Weatherman... Is he a proper mayor?
35:03Well, he's an honorary mayor, but Richard Whiteley was previously
35:07the mayor of Wetwang.
35:09In 2006, it's been Paul Hudson, the weatherman from Look North.
35:12So we've gone from Cockington to Wetwang.
35:15I think Michael Portillo did that on The Great Railway Journey.
35:19When he became the mayor of Wetwang, he told Keithley News...
35:28Anyway, the government's been trying to introduce a banter ban,
35:31as you know, but it hasn't reached the Look North studio,
35:34so here's a thing where...
35:36So Paul is there with the presenter Peter Levy,
35:38and some novelty drinks coasters have been made up with their faces on,
35:42and here's the chat they have.
35:44That's the forecast.
35:45Anne Yates says...
35:53No, hang on, hang on, hang on...
36:01I've actually lost the words, so carry on.
36:04No, I've just read the next line. I can't do it!
36:08You can have a coaster.
36:12And if he was face upwards, he would be looking north.
36:14Looking north, yeah.
36:16They're all currently mayors, except for James Corden,
36:20who is reportedly considering running to be one.
36:22BBC weatherman Paul Hudson is mayor of a village in Yorkshire.
36:25One reporter declared...
36:30Yes, you remember it, not the execution of Salam Hussein
36:33right off the front pages.
36:36The four-legged mayor of Cockington-in-Devon
36:38is Patrick, a Shetland pony.
36:40No wonder he's controversial. He's not even from the area.
36:45Time now for the Missing Words round,
36:47which this week features, as its guest publication,
36:49Quarry Management.
36:51You should read this week's fantastic piece
36:53about a key element of successful quarrying.
36:55It's dynamite.
36:57And we start with...
37:03Build their own quarry.
37:06It's not a quarrying one.
37:08Drivers in the south of France can now buy wine
37:11from vending machines at the red light.
37:14The French roadside wine dispensers
37:16cater for drivers of every taste.
37:18White van man and red van man.
37:26Next...
37:28Quarry fans should have the date of what firmly in their diaries?
37:32What's the big event of the quarry year?
37:34Miss Quarry.
37:38Quarry fans should have the date of the UK concrete show
37:42firmly in their diaries.
37:44Oh, I've given out the concrete awards.
37:46Have you? I should know that, yeah.
37:48I've presented the glass awards, the concrete awards
37:51and the brick awards.
37:54Who's that, the thickest person?
37:58Well, all the more reason to have the date of the UK concrete show
38:01firmly in your diaries.
38:02Although, just to warn you, that date's not set in stone.
38:07Next...
38:12Corruption.
38:20Oh, really?
38:22The festival will feature special beers to celebrate Thatcher,
38:26including Iron Lady and Grantham Lass,
38:28and, for later in her life, Old Peculiar.
38:32There'll be a variety of events at the Thatcher Festival,
38:35but apparently no dancing, because her grave is elsewhere.
38:43Next...
38:50Establishing quarrying as the number one subject
38:53at Islington dinner parties.
38:56No, knocking off the woman next door.
39:01Amongst the many achievements of the outgoing president
39:03of the Institute of Quarrying, he'd be particularly proud
39:05of the development of the National Stone Centre.
39:08If you'd like to one day become the president
39:10of the Institute of Quarrying, first you'll need a degree in geology
39:13and then, I guess, just keep chipping away.
39:17Next...
39:21Brexit.
39:24Brexit, Brexit, Brexit.
39:29Brexit.
39:32Every 18 seconds, every day for the last ten years...
39:35Henry Burgess has a massive orgasm.
39:39Knocks the tiles off his roof.
39:41A new quarry is discovered.
39:44You can have it for that.
39:45It's a pothole that's been filled in Britain.
39:48Oh, right. According to a survey, 52% of local roads
39:51have less than 15 years' structural life left,
39:54which is about 15 years more than Eamon Holmes's chair.
39:59Next...
40:04Is this the fossil story of the dinosaurs?
40:06Archaeologists are surprised to discover an unusually large number
40:09of dinosaur bone skeletons.
40:11It's the first bit. What's surprised to discover a dinosaur bone?
40:14Archaeologists? Archaeologists? No.
40:16They found them in Tesco. No.
40:18Come on, think laterally.
40:20Man.
40:22Woman.
40:24No, I'm sorry, it's quarry worker.
40:26Oh.
40:27Quarry workers are surprised to discover
40:29unusually large prehistoric pterosaur bone.
40:32According to quarry management,
40:34the prehistoric bone dates from the Bajochian Age.
40:37And if you want to know when that was,
40:39it came just after the...
40:41Bajochian Age.
40:48Next...
40:54Supported Leeds United.
40:56Had sex on bed full of crisps.
41:00A couple who were locked in Madam Tussauds for four hours
41:04say it was the worst experience of their lives.
41:06They should have started moving.
41:09After their experience of being locked in Madam Tussauds
41:12in Blackpool, Michelle Robinson said,
41:14I would never go back there.
41:16As says everyone after a visit.
41:18Finally...
41:24Study.
41:26Visit a quarry.
41:28This shows 67% of British students rarely use semicolons.
41:3533% of students use semicolons.
41:39Yeah, shocking, isn't it?
41:41They use them to make a winky face when they send a dick pic.
41:48How many people are in this audience?
41:50Give us a cheer if you've ever used a semicolon
41:53grammatically this year.
41:55CHEERING
41:57Oh, God, fuck yourselves.
42:02You're very unlucky that the Semicolon Appreciation Society
42:05has put you out for having a spark of rose tonight.
42:09So the final scores are...
42:11Ian and Chris have five, Paul and Janet have six.
42:14APPLAUSE
42:19Before we go, it's just time for the caption competition.
42:21Well, I'll leave this to you, mate, otherwise we'll be here all night.
42:24LAUGHTER
42:28Look, you can deny sleeping with my wife until you're blue in the face.
42:31LAUGHTER
42:35On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
42:37Ian Hislop and Chris McCausland, Paul Merton and Janet Street-Porter.
42:40And I leave you with news that despite the EU trade deal,
42:43Emmanuel Macron can't resist drawing attention
42:45to the UK's over-generous sausage quota.
42:49LAUGHTER
42:52Stars turn out to the premiere of the new Mission Impossible film
42:55as Bono prepares to meet Tom Cruise.
42:57LAUGHTER
43:01And in a polo match in Buckinghamshire,
43:03there's shock as a freak gust of wind blows away the tent
43:06that was concealing Prince Andrew and a young friend.
43:09LAUGHTER
43:15Goodnight.
43:17APPLAUSE
43:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:52My grandfather worked in a quarry.
43:55I've just remembered.
43:57Yeah, my dad was a civil engineer.
43:59I was conceived on a bed of crisps.
44:01LAUGHTER
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