- 01/06/2025
Roy Wood Jr is host, with guest panellists comedian and actor Guz Khan and broadcaster Kirsty Wark joining team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop as they delve into the news.
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00:00Paul, remember when I was here and it was still the election?
00:02And we was like, America might do the right thing.
00:04Yes.
00:05Remember that?
00:08That was great.
00:09That was a good time.
00:30Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:51I'm Roy Wood Jr.
00:53In the news this week, in Tokyo at the world's first robot cafe,
00:57the inventor regrets getting A.I. to learn from British workers.
01:09Elton John denies he's overindulging his pet dog
01:13as he takes little Sasha for a tapeworm injection.
01:22And after Eamon Holmes announces a new travel show in Japan,
01:25an exclusive preview sees him enjoy a dish of fermented soybeans
01:29before taking a trip on the iconic bullet train.
01:38On Ian's team tonight, an actor and comedian who has five children,
01:41or as Boris Johnson would put it, hardly any.
01:44Please welcome Guils Clive.
01:50On Paul's team tonight, a journalist and broadcaster who hails from Scotland,
01:55or as we Americans call it, the land of Mel Gibson.
01:58Please welcome Kirsty Ward.
02:05Now, as always, we begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:08Paul and Kirsty, what's this aboot?
02:11OK.
02:12Oh, yes, obviously, this is Canada, Mounties.
02:14Oh!
02:15You're the pilot.
02:16My wife didn't get a gin and tonic.
02:19Village people are making an appearance.
02:23My wife didn't get a gin and tonic.
02:28This is King Charles in Canada.
02:30Yes, indeed.
02:31This is King Charles's speech to the Canadian Parliament,
02:34warning that Canada is not for sale,
02:37nor will it be handed over to America as the 51st state.
02:41Canada will remain as free as it's been
02:43since Britain stole it from the First Nations and the French.
02:46LAUGHTER
02:48Americans always make fun of Canadians, don't they?
02:50Yeah.
02:50Yeah, cos why not?
02:53They're sort of like a better version of America, aren't they, Canada?
02:56Canadians are Americans who, like, do their homework
02:59and they're, like, nice to people and stuff.
03:01Yeah.
03:02Yeah, I can see the problem there.
03:04Yeah.
03:05And they've got gun controls, haven't they?
03:07Well, they've got guns, but they don't use them.
03:08They don't use them, yeah.
03:09See? They got them, but they don't use them.
03:10And that's why they're boring, like...
03:11LAUGHTER
03:12Would you want a boring president at the moment?
03:15I would love a boring president.
03:17LAUGHTER
03:19APPLAUSE
03:21APPLAUSE
03:23APPLAUSE
03:25What traditional Canadian activity
03:26that King Charles partake in while over there...
03:29Ice hockey.
03:30No shoeing.
03:30Ryan Gosling.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:33Is that an activity?
03:35LAUGHTER
03:37LAUGHTER
03:39King Charles was offered a puck, um...
03:42Yeah, ice hockey, yeah.
03:43Yeah. When you visit America, I don't know if you know about
03:45any of our traditions, but when you visit America,
03:47we allow you to deport one immigrant, and that's...
03:50LAUGHTER
03:51LAUGHTER
03:53Are you going to get back in, do you think, when you go back to America?
03:56Oh, no, I'm going to be back before this airs.
03:58Oh, right.
03:59LAUGHTER
04:01LAUGHTER
04:02I'm good, bro.
04:03APPLAUSE
04:05What's the big setback for Trump this time?
04:07Oh, tariffs.
04:08It's taken the courts a long time to come to the decision
04:10that tariffs are illegal, he's not allowed to impose them.
04:12Trump is basically like most of my uncles, and they're all Pakistani,
04:16so in a very different way, like, he'd just be talking whatever he wants.
04:20Like, bro, my uncle is just like him in the sense that if you let him lead
04:24the free world, my uncle would be there saying,
04:26Greenland, mine.
04:28Canada, give him to me.
04:29Uncle, Canada is not a person.
04:31Give him to me anyway.
04:32Canada is mine, Greenland is mine.
04:34This is what happens when you let them people close to eight
04:36around the world.
04:37LAUGHTER
04:38On which occasion did Trump display his natural ability, though,
04:42this week, to tailor the right words to the right moment?
04:45Oh, yeah, he posted a thing saying,
04:47Happy Memorial Day, which you don't tend to do when you're
04:50commemorating the dead.
04:51OK, but that wasn't all.
04:52Yeah, no, no, I remember the first bit of it, and he said,
04:55and particularly to all those people who've spent four years
04:58trying to oppose him, miserable left-wing lying toads...
05:02Uh, yes.
05:03Trump posted, um, on his social media,
05:06Happy Memorial Day to all, including the scum!
05:09LAUGHTER
05:14Also, in a speech at Arlington National Cemetery back in the States,
05:17Trump tried to pay a dignified tribute to a fallen army veteran
05:21by saying this...
05:23As a linguist, translator, and...
05:25cryptologic...
05:27Hector's...
05:34Gus, bonus points.
05:36What is a cryptologic?
05:38I know, but he said it just like my uncle, too.
05:41LAUGHTER
05:43With politics, I don't know what...
05:45Trump also made a speech to graduates at West Point Academy.
05:48Yes.
05:49His speech was rambling and incoherent, and guess what?
05:51Mm.
05:52I've got a game for you.
05:53Yeah.
05:54So here we have...
05:55The Mini Tangents of Trump!
06:00Right, what are we meant to do now?
06:02OK.
06:03LAUGHTER
06:05We're all stunned by the special effects.
06:07I'll get the randomiser going.
06:09OK.
06:10It's going to stop on one of the graphics.
06:11You have to tell me what tangent Trump went off on.
06:13Yes.
06:14Fingers on buzzers!
06:15OK.
06:16Here's the first one.
06:21All right.
06:22That's a stealth bomber.
06:23OK, but what was the tangent?
06:24Like, how did he...?
06:26We've got a stealth bomber, but you can see it.
06:29LAUGHTER
06:32No, he said, no, we've got a stealth bomber,
06:34but, you know, you can't see a stealth bomber,
06:36so we actually don't know how many we've got.
06:37LAUGHTER
06:38Did he say the Qataris are giving him a free stealth bomber?
06:42LAUGHTER
06:43In gold.
06:44With taps.
06:46LAUGHTER
06:47Let's take a look.
06:48We are buying you new airplanes,
06:52brand-new beautiful planes, redesigned planes,
06:55brand-new planes, totally stealth planes.
06:58I hope they're stealth.
07:00I don't know.
07:01That whole stealth thing, I'm sort of wondering.
07:03I mean, if we shape a wing this way, they don't see it,
07:05but the other way they see it, I'm not so sure.
07:08LAUGHTER
07:13I think, at this point, the president,
07:14they could just take him out to an empty runway
07:16and just point and be like,
07:17it's 15 stealth bombers, right this.
07:19LAUGHTER
07:20All right, here's the next one.
07:21Yeah.
07:26Well, that's Al Capone,
07:27famously a big criminal in Chicago
07:29who got done for tax avoidance in the end.
07:31Mm-hm.
07:32In the past, he's talked about
07:33how Al Capone got treated better than he does.
07:36Let's see.
07:37And I say I was investigated
07:39more than the great, late Alphonse Capone.
07:43Alphonse Capone was a monster.
07:45He was a very hardened criminal.
07:47I went through more investigations than Alphonse Capone,
07:51and now I'm talking to you as president.
07:53Can you believe this?
07:55Yes.
07:58And Al Capone was investigated for tax.
08:00Yes.
08:01And they found him out because, you know,
08:03he was due to pay some tax, whereas Trump,
08:05such a pathetic failure as a businessman,
08:07he never owed any tax.
08:09LAUGHTER
08:10He never made any money.
08:12Yeah.
08:13It's the reason he hid his tax return for years.
08:15Didn't want anyone to know that he'd never made a profit.
08:18The only man who's ever owned casinos that went bust.
08:21Yeah.
08:22LAUGHTER
08:23Let's do another one.
08:24OK, another one.
08:25OK, another one.
08:29Well, Gary Player used to work as a lightning conductor.
08:31OK.
08:32LAUGHTER
08:33What he said about Gary Player,
08:35a hell of a player, he was a great player,
08:37his name was Player, he was a player.
08:39LAUGHTER
08:40Let's see.
08:41Let's have a look.
08:42An example is a great athlete, Gary Player, great golfer.
08:46He wasn't as big as the other men that were playing against him.
08:50Great, big, strong guys.
08:52Gary was a smaller guy.
08:54He gets a little angry at people,
08:56because he hits the ball just as far.
08:58He said, I hit the ball further than them.
09:00Why am I small?
09:02LAUGHTER
09:03Here's the thing that's crazy about this.
09:06Keep this in mind.
09:07Yeah.
09:08Those clips are from the same speech!
09:09LAUGHTER
09:10I mean, it's a problem for him doing a graduation, though,
09:15at a military academy, isn't it?
09:17Because he didn't do any military service...
09:20No.
09:21..due to having bone spurs.
09:22Yeah.
09:23Which must be hurting.
09:24Yes.
09:25Badly now.
09:26I think they've grown into his brain over the years.
09:28LAUGHTER
09:29His body and...
09:31Now, to be fair to my president,
09:34Trump wasn't all mad last week.
09:37He had one realisation that was actually reasonable,
09:39and I would even say good.
09:41What was that realisation that...
09:43Putin's gone crazy?
09:45Was that the one?
09:46Yeah.
09:47He noticed that Putin is a bad guy.
09:49Yeah.
09:50Which has taken him a very long time.
09:52Up to that point, he thought he was one of the good guys.
09:54Yeah.
09:55So he called him crazy.
09:56Thoughts which he then doubled down on
09:58and amplified to reporters.
10:00Yeah, I'll give you an update.
10:01I'm not happy with what Putin's doing.
10:03He's killing a lot of people,
10:04and I don't know what the hell happened to Putin.
10:06I've known him a long time,
10:08always gotten along with him,
10:10but he's sending rockets into cities
10:12and killing people,
10:13and I don't like it at all.
10:15And something happened to this guy,
10:17and I don't like it.
10:19There's two bodyguards in the background
10:21aren't taking their job particularly seriously, are they?
10:23LAUGHTER
10:25Do you think Putin's scared when he watches this video,
10:28or do you think he laughs until he can't stop?
10:31LAUGHTER
10:33That's pathetic.
10:34That's the leader of the free world.
10:36God!
10:37I don't like it.
10:39He's a three-year-old in a hat.
10:42LAUGHTER
10:44APPLAUSE
10:46There's a suggestion that Trump isn't as tough as he likes to think.
10:52What acronym is being used to describe Trump now?
10:56Bob, the big orange baby.
10:58LAUGHTER
10:59Oh, those are old.
11:00There's a new one.
11:01There's a new...
11:02Oh, right.
11:03Trump acronym.
11:04OK, I'll tell you what.
11:05I'll give you your hand.
11:06It's TACO.
11:07But you tell me what TACO stands for.
11:09Tough as crumble.
11:11Only.
11:13LAUGHTER
11:15Tosspot arsehole.
11:16Can't think of one percent.
11:17LAUGHTER
11:24TACO stands for Trump always chickens out.
11:27Oh.
11:28And Trump has described the acronym as nasty.
11:32LAUGHTER
11:33I like the American comedian who said he used to be known as POTUS
11:36and now he's known as Des-POTUS.
11:38LAUGHTER
11:40This is King Charles at Canada's State Opening of Parliament.
11:44During the royal visit, King Charles planted a tree in Ottawa.
11:48Thank God.
11:49Because Canada finally is getting some much-needed trees.
11:54LAUGHTER
11:57Trump's performance at West Point was criticised on social media
12:00with one user describing the speech as a midlife crisis.
12:04LAUGHTER
12:05Midlife!
12:06LAUGHTER
12:08All right, Ian and Gus, here's yours.
12:11That's the new nationalised train.
12:13That's the transport secretary.
12:14Don't worry.
12:15Another one along in a minute.
12:16LAUGHTER
12:17And that's old clip of British Rail and him saying,
12:21remember, take the car.
12:24LAUGHTER
12:25We've got a new nationalised railway.
12:27OK.
12:28Which has been coming a long time.
12:29And it's first day out.
12:31You're looking sad.
12:32No, I don't really like trains.
12:34That's all it is.
12:35LAUGHTER
12:36What do they do to you?
12:37What are the trains?
12:38No, I just got bad memories.
12:41You know, like, when I was a kid,
12:43the only way we could get on trains
12:45is really just getting there without paying.
12:47And then there was a technique
12:48where you would hide in the toilet
12:50to try and get away with a fare,
12:52and there was just one particular time
12:53when there was, like, eight of us hiding in the toilet.
12:55LAUGHTER
12:56And one of the dudes who joined us in the toilet,
12:58we didn't know who he was.
13:03And it was a very tense journey
13:05between Coventry and Birmingham,
13:06that's all I'm gonna say.
13:07But it was a bad memory.
13:09I don't feel like we have enough time
13:10to unpack these memories here.
13:16The rail company was Southwestern Railway...
13:18It was.
13:19...which came under state ownership
13:21at 1.59 a.m. on Sunday,
13:24followed by an announcement
13:25that the 2.27 a.m. from Guilford to London
13:27Waterloo had been cancelled.
13:32The first scheduled train...
13:33Yes.
13:34..that was actually there was from Woking.
13:36Yes.
13:37And it got as far as Surbiton.
13:38Mm.
13:39And then there was a bus replacement.
13:40LAUGHTER
13:41And I have to say,
13:42this is just for the interests of balance.
13:44Yes.
13:45When they privatised the rail service,
13:47the first train,
13:48there was a big hoo-ha,
13:50first privatised train,
13:51it was cancelled.
13:54I'm just saying for balance...
13:56Yeah.
13:57Despite the replacement bus,
13:58many of the passengers
13:59were thoroughly enjoying the journey.
14:01Oh.
14:02What made the journey so enjoyable?
14:03There were a lot of train spotters on board.
14:05Yeah.
14:06Bus spotters.
14:07LAUGHTER
14:08Several train enthusiasts were delighted
14:10to be aboard the historic journey,
14:12including Rob Potter,
14:14who celebrated the occasion
14:15with a Laphroic single malt.
14:17Great.
14:18Let's get a picture of old Rob
14:20up on the screen.
14:21That's great.
14:22He's still on the train.
14:24Yeah.
14:25That's a 5.30 in the morning train.
14:28Do not count.
14:30Moving on from British transport.
14:32Yeah.
14:33Who wants to see a dog on a motorbike?
14:34Oh, yeah.
14:35There we go.
14:36Let's do that.
14:37I've never seen that
14:38with the whole harnessing thing before,
14:39but, yeah, you can't...
14:40Unfortunately, you can't be riding around
14:42with a dog in between your arms.
14:45Like that.
14:47Did you notice that hesitation
14:48when he said between?
14:49Yeah.
14:50There's a lot of fur in there.
15:03Meanwhile, in water news...
15:07Do y'all just think I can't handle the good stories?
15:09Yeah.
15:10They find Thames water.
15:13Yes.
15:14Yes.
15:15Over and over and over.
15:16Millions and millions.
15:17Yeah, absolutely.
15:18It's about time.
15:19Yes.
15:20They find them.
15:22Because they were going to give dividends out again.
15:26They'd given dividends out to their shareholders,
15:28which were massive on the last two occasions,
15:30and that's when the rig row started.
15:32And the man in charge appeared in front of the select committee
15:35and said, we had to give out these huge bonuses and dividends
15:39because the shareholders insisted.
15:41And then a day later, he said,
15:42oh, yes, when I said the shareholders insisted,
15:44I meant they agreed when we told them we were going to do it.
15:48He said he misspoke.
15:49Mm.
15:50Which is a new word, which means lied.
15:53Who else has come in for criticism after announcing a spending splurge?
15:59Nigel Farage.
16:00Yeah.
16:01And Keir Starmer has said that if he's adopting Liz Trump's...
16:05Liz Trump.
16:06That's a very good mistake.
16:07Liz Trump, did I say?
16:09I see the two are very similar.
16:13He announced his new brilliant ideas for Britain.
16:16Yes.
16:17He got out a fag packet, looked at the back of it,
16:19and there it all was.
16:20Yeah.
16:21What you've got to do is we've got to cut taxes and increase spending.
16:25Yes.
16:26Brilliant.
16:27Yes.
16:28Nigel Farage listed a number of reform, tax and welfare policies
16:31in a major speech, which, according to the Institute of Fiscal Studies,
16:34could cost up to $85 billion.
16:37But how did Farage say he's going to pay for all of this?
16:41He said we're going to scrap net zero...
16:43OK.
16:44..and that'll save $40 billion, which he won't.
16:47It's about six, I think, tops.
16:50And then he said we're going to have efficiency in the civil service,
16:53we're going to have net zero immigration,
16:55we're going to stop immigrants living in hotels,
16:58and this will make 350 billion zillion pounds, literally.
17:02This all sounds like very familiar policies that I've heard.
17:05Yeah.
17:06Yes, I'm pretty sure that he also wants to put up a wall
17:08between the UK and Mexico at the board.
17:11He's going to bring in Elon Musk.
17:16Yeah.
17:17He's the man.
17:18Yeah, that's good work.
17:19Maybe Elon is on his way over here.
17:21Absolutely.
17:22Maybe that's why Elon quit working with Truss.
17:23Yeah.
17:24Good luck!
17:27Is it fair to compare Farage to Truss?
17:30Yes.
17:31Exactly.
17:32He's madder.
17:33That's a bold statement.
17:34Madder than Liz Truss.
17:35No.
17:36What happened to that brother that Liz Truss used to roll with?
17:39Do you remember?
17:40The Chancellor...
17:41Kwarty...
17:42Kwarty?
17:43Yeah.
17:44Kwarty Kwarty.
17:45Is he all right?
17:46Like, I've just never heard him again.
17:47He was around for a bit and then Kwarty was gone.
17:49I'm worried about him, really.
17:50Yeah.
17:51He moved to America, but the initials KK were a bit of a problem,
17:54so he came back again.
17:57Does anyone remember High Wycom MP Steve Baker?
18:00You know Wycom.
18:01High Wycom.
18:02High Wycom.
18:03High Wycom.
18:04High Wycom.
18:05High Wycom MP Steve Baker.
18:06Yeah.
18:07What has he been telling the Politico website?
18:08How to pronounce Wycom.
18:09Come on, bro.
18:10We don't know.
18:11Tell us, Roy.
18:12Steve Baker's been complaining about the inadequate pay-offs that
18:15MPs get when they lose their seat and is calling for a one year's
18:19redundancy pay instead of the four months that they currently get to get
18:23us over the horrible process of actually getting a job.
18:30And he continued and said, as soon as I apply, they know who I am.
18:34They do the Googling and they don't want me.
18:39Staying in High Wycom.
18:40Wycom?
18:41Yeah.
18:42No.
18:43We don't know.
18:44Tell us, Roy.
18:45No.
18:46Steve Baker's been complaining about the inadequate pay-offs that MPs get when
18:47they lose their seat and is calling for a one year's redundancy pay instead
18:49of the four months that they currently get to get us over the horrible process
18:51Staying in High Wycombe.
18:53Wycombe?
18:55Did I say it right that time?
18:57Yeah, you said it.
18:58All right, staying in High Wycombe.
19:02What traditional custom have the MPs of Wycombe
19:05been forced to take part in?
19:07Oh, is it lobbying for PPE contracts?
19:11They've been taking part in the traditional annual weigh-in
19:15dating back to the 17th century.
19:18Public officials are weighed in an ornate chair
19:20to establish whether or not
19:22they're getting fatter each year.
19:25Here's some film of the annual tradition
19:28from back in the day.
19:34Cancel or what?
19:3520 stone!
19:42We knew what to cheer in those days.
19:46There's one person who will be particularly interested
19:49in this story about weight.
19:51I'm about to meet one of the fattest families
19:53I've met in my life.
19:54I'm here in the Peak District and about to meet two
19:57right, massive, fatty siblings who are at the peak
20:00of their porkiness.
20:01I'm going to be meeting some right beach blubber bellies.
20:05I'm in Luton, Bedfordshire and about to meet three
20:08right, jelly-bellied jumbos, Mr. and Mrs.
20:11Massive Fassi.
20:17What y'all be watching over here?
20:20What show?
20:21That was a hit show.
20:22No, it wasn't.
20:26All right, so this is the first railway franchise
20:29to be nationalized by the Labor government.
20:31Journalists were keen to bombard Transport Secretary
20:34Heidi Alexander with questions, but were thwarted,
20:37as in a political masterstroke, she went and sat
20:40in the quiet carriage.
20:43Time now for round two.
20:45Yeah.
20:45This is going to be my favorite round.
20:48We're calling this the Star Spangled Hammer.
20:53Fingers on buzzers, teens.
20:55Let's do it.
20:58What do you see right there?
21:02For the sake of filling in the gap, we don't know.
21:04This is the news that the Gloucester Services
21:08has been voted Britain's favorite motorway service station.
21:13That's my favorite one, too.
21:14Yeah.
21:15Anytime I'm riding through Gloucester.
21:18Where is that?
21:19Gloucester, over there, about off the M40.
21:22You know the one.
21:23It's right next to High Wycombe.
21:24Yeah, it's right around the corner.
21:27Here's what it looks like on the inside.
21:30Posh.
21:31Yes.
21:31Oh, God.
21:32Is there a KFC there?
21:35If there's no KFC, then this is no...
21:37If there's no KFC, then what is it?
21:39Which one was voted least favorite in Britain?
21:43Was it...
21:45Cobham.
21:46Cobham?
21:47Clucky.
21:48Bridgewater Services in Somerset, also on the M5,
21:51came at the bottom at 23% approval rating.
21:55Here it is.
21:57Terrible.
21:57That's somebody's house.
22:00But you know what, brother?
22:02There's a KFC there.
22:02There's a KFC there.
22:03That's right.
22:04According to the Daily Mail, it was described by one visitor as smelling like stale urine.
22:10Ew.
22:11Ew.
22:11Not even the dignity of fresh piss.
22:14Yes.
22:15While we're on the subject, who fancies a game of name that service station?
22:26Fingers on the buzzers.
22:28Here we go.
22:29Which service station, one of the largest in the UK, opened in 1993 between junctions
22:33five and six at the M25 in Surrey and was originally going to be called Titsywood?
22:38No, they're having you on here, I think.
22:41Ian, you mentioned it earlier.
22:43Was it Cobham Services or is it Clacket Lane?
22:45Clacket Lane Services!
22:46No!
22:47This is unbelievable.
22:48It's unbelievable.
22:49Next.
22:50Which service station opened on the M5 in 1966?
22:52M5 again?
22:531966.
22:54Oh.
22:55Between the Quentin Interchange at Junction 3 and at the 838 at Junction 4.
22:58You want just the name of it?
22:59Yeah, you're a name, okay.
23:00Or you want the place?
23:01Name the service station.
23:02Boring Wood Services.
23:03It's frankly services.
23:04And frankly, I'm disappointed that y'all did it.
23:20When she said Boring Wood, that wasn't a personal criticism.
23:22How do y'all not know this?
23:24How do I know more about your country than you?
23:27Which service station sits a mile west of Junction 17 on the M4 between Bristol and Swindon
23:34and was once described as unquestionably the Xanadu of the M4?
23:39I got the answer to this.
23:41Who gives a fuck?
23:42That's the answer.
23:46It is the lead Delamere.
23:51Thankfully, that is the end of Name That Service Station.
23:54Back to the news.
23:56What else has been going on in Gloucestershire this week?
23:57Is it a cheese rolling?
23:58Oh, God.
23:59That was fantastic.
24:00Absolutely.
24:01The annual cheese rolling contest at Cooper's Hill took place this weekend.
24:06And a wonderful, wonderful quaint English tradition.
24:13Take a look.
24:15You can only do stuff like that when you're in a country with good health care.
24:42What did one of the winners have to say after the race?
24:49I'm very intolerant.
25:02It was a dream come true because he won it the year before as well.
25:06Yep.
25:0723-year-old Tom Kopke retained his title from last year.
25:10There he is.
25:11He said after the race, all the people at the top said they were going to steal my title.
25:15This is mine.
25:16I worked for this.
25:17I risked my life for this.
25:19Yeah.
25:20It's my cheese.
25:21According to the BBC, after the race, several people were taken to the hospital to have their heads checked.
25:27This is the news that Gloucester Services has been voted Britain's best.
25:35According to the Daily Mail, in a survey of motorway service stations across the UK,
25:40the company Moto was responsible for some of the worst rated, filling nine of the table's ten bottom spots,
25:47which is also what you'll get from their toilet seats.
25:50LAUGHTER
25:53Fingers on buzzers, team.
25:55Yeah.
25:57That's clearly Roger Moore as James Bond, with a sort of like a tool kit around his belt.
26:06Is it the new James Bond film, Licence to put together IKEA furniture?
26:10Licence to drill!
26:11Licence to drill.
26:12There's no drill there.
26:14Yeah.
26:15This is news that MI5 are looking to hire a carpenter.
26:21According to the Times, the successful recruit will be deployed in the field to help on top-secret missions
26:26by installing bugging devices in furniture and door frames.
26:32It could change the famous dialogue in Goldfinger.
26:34Do you expect me to talk?
26:35No, we expect you to make a coffee table.
26:37LAUGHTER
26:39What are some of the perks of the job?
26:4110% discount at Screwfix, like what?
26:43LAUGHTER
26:44Yeah.
26:45Something practical, I would...
26:46Something useful.
26:47Where do you advertise him for this job?
26:49CheckerTrade.com.
26:50I don't really think...
26:51Being cute.
26:52Being cute, right?
26:53Just stick it in a window?
26:54Yeah.
26:55In a window.
26:56Well, you don't want B and Q, because Q does a lot of the armbar.
27:01LAUGHTER
27:02Yeah, yeah.
27:04This is the news that MI5 are looking to hire an in-house carpenter.
27:09The starting salary is £43,000 or £40,000 cash.
27:13LAUGHTER
27:20Fingers on buzzers, James.
27:21Yes.
27:24I think I'm reading the wrong newspapers.
27:26This is the news that one in three people aged 18 to 24
27:31could not identify a hole punch.
27:34According to one Gen Z office worker,
27:36young people don't use paper that much.
27:38Yes.
27:39When told that a hole punch was used to put A4 paper into ring binders,
27:43some asked,
27:44what is a ring binder?
27:47Of the 1,000 18 to 24-year-olds that were surveyed,
27:50what were some of the other stationary items
27:53that they were perplexed about?
27:54A rubber.
27:56Um...
27:57Well, you wouldn't call it a rubber.
27:58Yeah, I was like, whoa.
27:59An eraser.
28:02You got the condoms on the station area?
28:08Oh, an eraser.
28:09A rubber.
28:10OK, rubber.
28:11All right.
28:12Say this when you say rubber to me.
28:14Yeah, that hand movement doesn't help.
28:21You don't need a rubber if you're doing that.
28:23You don't need that.
28:26Oh, dear me.
28:29They were baffled by pencil sharpeners and paper clips.
28:32I like a pencil.
28:33Do you?
28:34Yeah.
28:35I do an HB2.
28:36Uh, in other news...
28:37Yeah.
28:38Yeah.
28:39Unfortunately...
28:41No, the HB2 joke's been delayed.
28:49In other news, what traditional British food
28:52has become popular amongst Gen Z?
28:55Oh, God.
28:56It's not tripe, is it?
29:00Points.
29:02Tripe?
29:03What?
29:04It's tripe.
29:05No!
29:06It's tripe.
29:07Apparently, the stomach line or whatever it is,
29:09apparently tripe tastes great when cooked in an air fryer.
29:12According to a survey, other classic British foods...
29:15And I use that phrase cautiously...
29:18There's other classic British foods that are making a comeback,
29:22such as liver and onions and spam fritters.
29:26Oh.
29:27Why would you fritter it, though?
29:29I...
29:30I'm afraid I'm...
29:31I'm not Nigella.
29:32Yeah.
29:33I really...
29:34Do you think Ian has ever had a spam fritter in his life?
29:37Everything we just talked about, I feel like you just add chlorine
29:39to make it better.
29:42Over in France...
29:43Yeah.
29:44What food are young people saying naan to?
29:47Foie gras.
29:49Snails?
29:50A survey revealed that young people in France
29:53do not like smelly cheese as much as their parents.
29:58According to the president of One Cheese Association,
30:00Véronique Richer Le Rouge...
30:03I assume that's French.
30:06Le Rouge said,
30:07Young children are now given highly processed cheese
30:10that has no taste.
30:12We're becoming increasingly sanitized and Americanized.
30:17First off, Véronique, watch your mouth.
30:21Number two,
30:22the reason why Americans eat cheese out of a can
30:25is because we work 50 hours,
30:27we don't have time to chase our cheese down a hill.
30:34A sandwich friend.
30:35Yes.
30:36Why have the Macrones made the news this week?
30:39Yes, this is very good.
30:40They were coming down...
30:41They had arrived in a plane,
30:42they were coming down the steps,
30:43but before they came down the steps,
30:44they opened the door,
30:45just as she sort of, like, pushed him away,
30:46and then he sort of, like,
30:47was about to retaliate or react to her
30:49and realised he was on camera,
30:50so he sort of went...
30:54Yeah, it was wild to see.
30:55Matter of fact, we have the tape.
30:56Let's take a look at it.
30:57Yeah.
30:58But the French...
30:59Yes.
31:00..the Elyse initially said,
31:01this is fake news, this is the Russians...
31:02AI.
31:03They said it was AI.
31:04..put out some fake news.
31:05Yeah.
31:06And then they had to backtrack and say,
31:07yeah, when we say it was fake news,
31:08we mean it happened.
31:09Yes.
31:10But it was playful couple's banter.
31:11Yeah.
31:12Yes.
31:13Of the type we all indulge in.
31:14Yes.
31:15Well, I have pushed Macron several times, I...
31:17This is the news that young people are struggling
31:19with the concept of a hole punch.
31:20To be fair these days,
31:21where would you even find a hole punch?
31:22Or a fact that the French...
31:23Yes.
31:24..the Elyse initially said,
31:25this is fake news, this is the Russians...
31:26AI.
31:27..that put out some fake news.
31:28AI.
31:29AI.
31:30And then they had to backtrack and say,
31:31yeah, when we say it was fake news,
31:32we mean it happened.
31:33Yes.
31:34But it was playful couple's banter.
31:35Yeah.
31:36Yes.
31:37Of the type we all indulge in.
31:38Yes.
31:39I don't know if you're a hole punch or a fax machine,
31:41apart from the private eye office.
31:42That's the only thing.
31:43LAUGHTER
31:44APPLAUSE
31:45Although even in the private eye office,
31:48Ian's the only one that can work the quill sharpener.
31:50LAUGHTER
31:52The idea that I would sharpen my own quills.
31:55Yeah.
31:56LAUGHTER
31:57I'm just saying, my supposed reputation for being highbrow,
32:02I got an absolute flood of letters,
32:04because in last week's issue...
32:06Yes.
32:07..I said the theme tune for the Eurovision Song Contest...
32:10Yes.
32:11..was Handel.
32:12Yeah.
32:13And it wasn't, it was Charpentier.
32:14Yes.
32:15Can you believe it?
32:16You idiot.
32:17Oh!
32:18And it was his TDM,
32:19and I haven't been able to go out in the streets and look anywhere.
32:21LAUGHTER
32:22I just feel an utter fool.
32:24And these letters, they kept coming in.
32:26One...
32:27..and another one.
32:28LAUGHTER
32:29Time now for the odd-one-out round.
32:31Just one between you this week.
32:32There are Warrant Officer First Class Matt Howarth,
32:34Johan Hillberg's neighbour,
32:35a natterjack toad in the South Downs,
32:37and Ed Davey.
32:38BUZZER
32:39Ed Davey's done well in the local elections.
32:41He's at a comeback.
32:42Natterjack toads have come back.
32:43Yeah, he's standing for reform.
32:44He won.
32:45Natterjack toads have come back.
32:47Natterjack toads have come back.
32:48Natterjack toads have come back.
32:51Yeah, he's standing for reform, he won.
32:53Natterjack toads have come back.
32:5425 toadlets were found in some national park.
32:57You have no idea, do you?
32:58No.
32:59No.
33:00Dino, to be honest with you, I haven't really paid attention to the news.
33:03But I feel grossly underprepared.
33:05I'm trying to figure out why the Ed Davey picture,
33:07why is he grabbing the phone call?
33:09I'm trying to figure out why the Ed Davey picture,
33:11why is he grabbing the phone call?
33:12I'm trying to figure out why the Ed Davey picture.
33:14Why is he grabbing imaginary boobs?
33:21Because he clearly enjoys it.
33:23I don't think any of us know.
33:25They've all been disturbed by a loud noise,
33:27apart from the Natterjack toad,
33:29which makes a loud noise,
33:31but everybody's delighted to hear it.
33:33Yes.
33:34To Kirstie's point, the Natterjack toad
33:35has made a remarkable comeback in the South Downs,
33:37following a reintroduction program.
33:40A total of 28 totelets have now been counted
33:43as the site in Hampshire,
33:45making it the first time the Natterjack toad
33:48has bred in over 50 years.
33:50I like that word, toadlet.
33:52Is that the one after the squiggly one?
33:55The tadpole.
33:56The tadpole.
33:57The squiggly one?
33:58It's like listening to David Attenborough, isn't it?
34:00I hear the squiggly one.
34:03Squiggly one.
34:04It eventually becomes a bigger squiggly one.
34:07How loud is the Natterjack?
34:1085 decibels.
34:11Yeah.
34:12Two Brian blesseds.
34:13It can be heard up to a mile away.
34:17That's what it sounds like.
34:20I'll get that.
34:22What is the toad trying to say in that call?
34:27I'm a mile away.
34:28Ed Davey has been disturbed by headphone dodgers,
34:42people who play musical videos out loud on public transport
34:45with no headphones, so he wants to fine offenders 1,000 pounds.
34:50Now...
34:52Oh!
34:53That finds favor.
34:55If I'm not wrong, Ed Davey is very adept at judo.
34:59I met him once, and you know, he was a very affable-looking uncle,
35:03and then when I shook his hand, he's dense.
35:05The brother is dense.
35:06Yeah.
35:07So I think he should just go onto public transport
35:10and just chop people.
35:11Ta!
35:12Ta!
35:13Play your music loud?
35:14Ta!
35:15Born Officer First Class Matt Howarth
35:17is disturbed by the sound of balling sergeant majors.
35:20He claims that those in charge of training new recruits
35:23need a more diplomatic and tactful approach.
35:27Yes.
35:28He wants them to adopt a style that is more Beckham.
35:32David Beckham never seemed to raise his voice during his time
35:35as a football captain and was always approachable.
35:38Is that really going to work?
35:40On the parade ground?
35:42Hi, everyone.
35:43Mum.
35:48Can we turn right?
35:49Is that right, Victoria?
35:53Astonishing!
35:55Astonishing!
35:58You've had that in your locker for the last 35 years.
36:00A David Beckham impression.
36:01Just thought I'd bring it out tonight.
36:02Yeah, well, that's it.
36:03And a David Beckham impression at the same time.
36:04It's great.
36:07It's good.
36:08What has Johan Helberg's neighbour got to do with the price of fish?
36:12The picture indicates a boat went into his back garden.
36:15And what did he do?
36:16He was put off by the red arrow pointing down where he should dock.
36:20Johan Helberg, who failed to wake up
36:22when a 135-metre container ship crashed into his garden,
36:26coming to rest just five metres from his bedroom.
36:30Here it is. Let's get it closer. Yeah.
36:33According to the Independent,
36:36Hellberg was eventually woken at 5am
36:38by the sound of the neighbour ringing the doorbell.
36:44How loud is that doorbell?
36:47The police said,
36:48there is one person on the boat
36:50who has been identified as a suspect.
36:53Yeah, I'm guessing it's the dude with the hat
36:55that says Captain on it.
36:59Or it's possibly the crew member
37:01that suddenly decided to leave the gigantic ship
37:04on a much smaller ship.
37:06They've all been disturbed by a loud noise apart from the Natterjack Toad,
37:17which makes a loud noise.
37:18But everyone is delighted to hear that noise.
37:20The Natterjack Toad is easily recognizable
37:23due to its distinctive yellow stripe,
37:25which runs down the centre of their back.
37:27It's a key to their survival,
37:28as it also stops cars from parking on them.
37:33A Norwegian man woke up to find a huge container ship
37:35in his garden after it crashed and ran aground.
37:37Here's a photo of the incident.
37:39To be fair, we've all got drunk
37:41and ordered too much stuff on Amazon.
37:45Okay, time now for Missing Words Round,
37:47which this week features its guest publication,
37:50local news magazine,
37:51Cumbia Crash.
37:53It's not a drug reference,
37:54so don't go ringing them up asking for Charlie
37:56as you'll just get a junior reporter.
37:59We'll start with,
38:00surprise as what spotted in tree in Keswick?
38:03My name's been Duchess of Argyle.
38:06Leaf.
38:10Surprise as 86-year-old woman spotted in tree in Keswick.
38:15Yes.
38:16This is 86-year-old Margaret O'Neill
38:18who went on a treetop adventure at a local Go Ape.
38:21Go Ape is not the only new experience Margaret has taken up recently.
38:25According to Cumbia Crack,
38:26she even went stand-up paddle boarding last year
38:30and fell in so many times she was almost made leader
38:33of the Liberal Democrats.
38:34Next.
38:38Brits are second best in the world at what,
38:41just behind Americans?
38:43Pronouncing High Wickham.
38:44Brits are second best in the world at swearing,
38:47just behind Americans.
38:48What a load of fucking rubbish.
38:49One of the politest nations in the study is Hong Kong,
38:50where banned words include fuck, shit and democracy.
38:54Next.
38:55What on petrol station forecourt proves popular?
38:58Uh, petrol.
38:59Petrol pump.
39:00KFC.
39:0186-year-old,
39:0286-year-old,
39:0386-year-old,
39:0486-year-old,
39:0586-year-old,
39:0686-year-old,
39:0786-year-old at swearing,
39:08just behind Americans.
39:09What a load of fucking rubbish.
39:10One of the politest nations in the study is Hong Kong,
39:14and what a load of weapons to be done.
39:15What was the headline?
39:16This is the headline for me.
39:17Also, the headlines include fuck, shit and democracy.
39:19Next.
39:20What on petrol station forecourt proves popular?
39:24Uh, petrol.
39:26Petrol pump.
39:27KFC.
39:2986-year-old Romanian tree.
39:33The answer.
39:35Milk vending machine on petrol station forecourt proves popular.
39:40How is this a headline?
39:41It's the Cumbria crack, you will not question their journalistic integrity.
39:47And Forshaw's milk shed is a new business idea that presents customers with a mobile producer of milk.
39:55That's a cow, isn't it? Yeah.
39:58Next.
40:04Resemble Mussolini.
40:06Spell out the phrase, up yours, Swindon.
40:09Look like they're phallic.
40:11You're close. It's something else that goes in your mouth.
40:14Not yours.
40:17That's nice talk, isn't it?
40:19That's nice talk, not yours.
40:21This is BBC One, you know.
40:24Ah, ah, ah, ah.
40:27Correct.
40:28Bottleds in Swindon that look like cigarettes, brand it disgusting.
40:34They are cigarettes.
40:36They are cigarettes.
40:38Next one.
40:39At long last, the residents of the Cumbrian village of Burnside are getting what?
40:43Sexually aroused.
40:44There's a good looking bloke moved into number 54 and he's single.
40:49At long last, the residents of the Cumbrian village of Burnside are getting wider pipes in their sewer system.
40:57Excellent.
40:58Yes.
40:59Unfortunately, one of those pipes is called Lake Windermere.
41:03Lastly, new tidying method says the best way to declutter your home is to what?
41:09Is it ask your children to leave?
41:11New tidying method says the best way to declutter your home is to ask yourself would I keep this if it was covered in effluent?
41:24Does that include your husband?
41:27This idea has been publicized by Amanda Johnson, who is an influencer and content creator, who recommends we all get rid of things that don't serve a purpose.
41:39Which is dangerous words coming from an influencer and content creator.
41:49So the final scores are Ian and Guz have two points, Paul and Kirstie have four points.
41:56Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
42:04Do you think I should stop the ozempic now?
42:11On which note we say thank you to our panelists Ian Hisslop and Guz Khan, Paul Merton and Kirstie.
42:17I keep slipping that R.
42:21On which note we say thank you to our panelists Ian Hisslop and Guz Khan, Paul Merton and Kirstie Wark.
42:39And I leave you with news that there's a dramatic moment at Crufts as a life is saved using the Heimlich maneuver.
42:46In his new favorite sport of human snooker.
42:53Snooker?
42:54Snooker.
42:55Snooker is right.
42:56Snooker is right.
42:57In his first favorite sport of human snooker,
43:01Pope Leo lines up a very tricky six ball plant.
43:06And in London a familiar face turns up for the reality TV industry's bell-end of the year award.
43:11Good night.
43:20Good night.
43:21And Kirstie Warkley Together Numberим.
43:22Whoo!
43:27Nice black castees!
43:34Okay.
43:37How'd you dance again?
43:38Good night.
43:39So will yououuuupties?
43:40Good night.
43:41And especially if there's a topic called Nenviron chapitr?
43:42It's wonderful.
43:43I thought probably.
43:44You too.
43:45So will you dance again?
43:46No doubt.
43:47Oh no doubt.
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