Have I Got a Bit More News for You S69 E08
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:37Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:40I'm Victoria Coren-Mitchell.
00:41In the news this week, in Thailand, there are concerns
00:44that scooter thieves are becoming more brazen by the day.
00:50LAUGHTER
00:52LAUGHTER
00:57At a gym in Brazil, as dawn breaks,
00:59a couple of locals pop in for a quick workout.
01:03LAUGHTER
01:08And at the BBC, there are doubts about the production values
01:12of the new series of Walking With Dinosaurs.
01:15LAUGHTER
01:19On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
01:21whose spectacular dancing performance in Strictly
01:24recently won a BAFTA, beating a sex scene from Bridgerton,
01:27which was equally rhythmic but with rather more basic hip action.
01:30Please welcome Chris McCausland.
01:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:37On Paul's team tonight is a journalist and broadcaster
01:40who's admitted that she keeps roadkill in her freezer.
01:43Makes sense. Sometimes when you get home after a busy day,
01:46all you've got time to do is microwave a badger.
01:48Please welcome Janet Street Porter.
01:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:55We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
01:57Ian and Chris, here's yours.
01:59Do you want to talk us through this?
02:01Yeah, Chris, there's our Prime Minister and Shalia Von Der Leyen
02:04doing the Brexit deal.
02:06There's some sausages looking rather revolting.
02:08There's a fish's head.
02:09There's a cat going on holiday.
02:11And, oh, my God.
02:13LAUGHTER
02:15Oh, thank God for that.
02:17It's a man underneath a blanket.
02:19Looked like it was a bit dirty, did it, at one point?
02:21It looked like it was a new Channel 4 show.
02:23LAUGHTER
02:25So the early stuff is the EU.
02:27Yeah, it's all the EU stuff, innit?
02:28Look, it's the chance to talk about Brexit again.
02:31It just never ends.
02:32Nobody said this is going to go on forever.
02:34If you were to ask half the people that voted Brexit,
02:36half of them now would go,
02:37I wish we hadn't bothered, wouldn't they?
02:39Well, you can say that. I can't, because I'm very balanced.
02:42LAUGHTER
02:44Oh! But Keir Starmer had a triumphant cry.
02:47He's being very positive. What was that cry?
02:49The cry was, I've done the deal.
02:52I'm going to get turned into Trump.
02:53Britain is back, he said.
02:55Back where?
02:56Well, he said it standing between Ursula von der Leyen,
03:00the President of the European Commission,
03:02and the President of the European Council, Antonio Costa.
03:04He's done well since he left Blue, hasn't he?
03:06Yeah.
03:07LAUGHTER
03:09Isn't it the worst of both worlds, though?
03:11Because he is upsetting all the people that voted Brexit,
03:14and yet not going back into Europe.
03:16So, who's happy with it, then?
03:17Nobody, but mentioning Brexit, no-one's happy.
03:20Do you know what, it's like if the EU was like nuts,
03:23and then you've got people who are completely allergic to nuts,
03:25and people who really, really love nuts,
03:28and Keir Starmer's gone, I've got three nuts.
03:31LAUGHTER
03:37That's exactly what it is.
03:41Well, maybe next time you'll be doing the negotiations.
03:43LAUGHTER
03:45But you can take your cat on holiday now.
03:47Yeah. Through an e-gate.
03:49What's not to like?
03:50You can take your cat to the Canary Islands.
03:52Yeah. Yeah.
03:53You're right, I'm just... You're nitpicking.
03:55I'm talking the whole deal down.
03:58The other thing is, the e-gates,
04:00more of us can go through the e-gates,
04:02but my passport with a chip has never worked,
04:04so I've never had the luxury of going through an e-gate,
04:07even at Heathrow, I have to go in the queue.
04:09You won't go to the front of the queue
04:10until you look like Holly Willoughby anyway.
04:12LAUGHTER
04:15Nothing's actually done.
04:16Let's all talk about what might happen. Yes.
04:18But, yes, so pet passports would be coming back,
04:21and that's good news, isn't it?
04:22Does anybody take a cat on holiday?
04:24Is this if you're moving out?
04:25Who's taken a cat on holiday?
04:27But they're looking for votes, this could be a real vote winner.
04:30Yeah. It's all those unexpected little subjects,
04:32like taking your cat on holiday. Yeah.
04:34But the pet passports are subject to the same rules as the human ones,
04:38so no smiling in the photo.
04:40LAUGHTER
04:43We're seeing a very angry cat there.
04:44Victoria, can I just point out, at the beginning of the show,
04:47you said that I'd roadkill and badger.
04:50My dog is called Badger,
04:51and I'd like to say sorry to him right now, in case he's offended.
04:56You mentioned the sausage news, what's changed there?
04:59Sorry, this is not in relation to your dog.
05:01LAUGHTER
05:03I mean, I understand that your dog might have a good time on holiday,
05:06but your cat's not going to enjoy it.
05:08We can now sell sausages to the EU... Yes.
05:11..if he complies.
05:13You're obsessed with these sausages, aren't you?
05:15Are you obsessed? I'll tell you who's obsessed with sausages.
05:18Who is? Do you remember? Who? Let's have a listen.
05:21I call again for an immediate ceasefire in Gaza.
05:24The return of the sausages.
05:26The hostages.
05:28LAUGHTER
05:30I mean, what I love is the way he sorrowfully corrects himself.
05:34The sausages, the hostages.
05:37Who would say sausages when they mean hostages?
05:40How do we know he didn't mean hostages this time?
05:43And he's opened the door to British hostages
05:47being allowed to go to the EU.
05:49LAUGHTER
05:51What does Nigel Farage think of the New Deal?
05:54He's been on holiday while it was all unveiled.
05:56He was on his long-awaited, long-earned,
05:58very well-deserved rest, not in the country.
06:01Yeah, he didn't turn up to the announcement of the reset in Parliament.
06:04You'd think the one moment in his new MP's job,
06:07but, no, he was on a holiday.
06:09And didn't take his cat.
06:12The deal that they're extending for the next 12 years
06:15is exactly the same deal that Boris Johnson negotiated
06:18and said was a brilliant deal. Yeah.
06:20It's come to an end, we had to renegotiate it.
06:22To do a deal, which is very difficult to explain to people,
06:26you need two people to agree.
06:29And if we're trying to get a better deal with Europe,
06:31just to sell them something, sausages without...
06:34We have to negotiate.
06:36And this is a real problem for a lot of commentators.
06:42Do you know what we, the UK, offered in our negotiation
06:46on the fishing deal? Yes.
06:47What was that?
06:49I'd rather not answer.
06:52I'm going to guess fish.
06:54Well, Keir Starmer offered that Europe would have access
06:58to our fishing grounds, an extension for a year.
07:01Yes. And then he accepted it would be three years,
07:04and then just at the last minute before the press conference,
07:06France said, do you know what, we want 12.
07:08Oh, right. And he had to say yes.
07:10Yeah. He's extending the fishing limits to five miles inland,
07:13isn't he?
07:16I hadn't heard that. No, neither had I.
07:20What did Boris Johnson think of the trade deal?
07:22He said it was an appalling surrender,
07:25and he said that Sir Keir was acting like an orange,
07:29ball-chewing, manacled gimp.
07:34I mean, we say to young journalists, you know,
07:36write about what you know.
07:41Did he say balled chewing?
07:43Orange ball chewing. Oh, oh, it's ball, like...
07:46Oh! So, he's not orange.
07:47The ball's orange. The ball is orange.
07:49What's the ball? It's in the mouth of the gimp.
07:52I had to look a lot of this up.
07:55And this won't be broadcast.
07:57And this is in a family newspaper, and it's much-quoted,
08:00and Boris seems to think this is fine.
08:03This is what most people are thinking.
08:05Well, it is now.
08:09Would you like to see Victoria Derbyshire giving a prominent
08:12Conservative MP airtime to express his views about the deal?
08:16Absolutely. Let's see.
08:17Welcome to you.
08:19Would you say the Conservative Party are still the party of business?
08:23They certainly are, and I'd also say... Before you go on.
08:26The reason I ask is because on today's deal,
08:28the Federation of Small Businesses like the deal,
08:31the CBI likes the deal,
08:32the British Chambers of Commerce like it,
08:34the Food and Drink Federation like it,
08:36UK Hospitality likes it, Salmon Scotland likes it,
08:39the British Meat Processors Association likes it,
08:42Morrison Supermarket likes it.
08:45Are they all wrong?
08:49There is an ideological tug-of-war going on
08:51within the Labour Party.
08:52What was the big thing this week?
08:54Winter fuel allowance.
08:55What's happened there?
08:56Well, there's been called a U-turn, but the trouble is,
08:58once you've made that original decision, whatever you do,
09:01you're then sort of, like, criticised.
09:02We are walking into a pensions crisis, though,
09:04because everybody's living longer,
09:06so maybe cutting that winter fuel allowance would help solve...
09:11..would solve another problem.
09:15What do you think of Rachel Reeves?
09:16Does she impress you as a character?
09:18I don't want to demean her,
09:19because I think she's doing quite a good job, actually.
09:22Stunned silence.
09:23And unenviable.
09:25I think Rachel Reeves has held her nerve so far.
09:28I mean, I cannot imagine working with Angela Rayner,
09:31because she's a larger-than-life character.
09:34She's got red hair, she's loud-mouthed.
09:36Yeah.
09:37Yeah.
09:38Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:41I was in a taxi the other day, driven by an old friend of mine,
09:44actually, a chap called Norman, who I used to play poker with.
09:47And I mentioned I was coming on the show, and he went,
09:48I love Janet Street Porter.
09:49She used to be a bit rough and ready,
09:51but she talks so posh now.
09:52LAUGHTER
09:57But Rachel Reeves's voice, interestingly,
09:59some people say it's a bit too deep and booming and foghorn.
10:02Like, I don't think that's fair. I mean, have a look at this.
10:05We have to now go, in fact, to the Chancellor of the Exchequer,
10:08Rachel Reeves, who's been speaking about the inflation data.
10:14The numbers today are clearly disappointing.
10:16We've watched the inflation coming down
10:18after the cost-of-living challenges
10:19that people have been through.
10:21Oh, mate's running at the wrong speed!
10:24Oh, don't be mean.
10:27Well, he's not mean.
10:28Listen, that was a mistake that was made on Sky News,
10:30but it could improve many politicians.
10:32I mean, have a listen to this. Yes.
10:34Now, in a diverse nation like ours,
10:36can I celebrate that these rules become even more important?
10:42Without them, we risk becoming an island of strangers.
10:46Soon, Ax stood up and said, I will stop the votes,
10:48casting millions of votes at the general election,
10:51Stalmer today has made a firm pledge
10:53that there will be a big reduction in numbers.
10:55If there's not, he'll pay a very, very heavy price.
10:59Because we are draining the swamp of inflation
11:03and the days of rule by unelected bureaucrats are over.
11:09Keir Stalmer did a rare thing in the Commons this week.
11:12What was that?
11:13Did he shave a goat?
11:16No. No? No.
11:18You haven't got the footage, have you?
11:21He apologised, which they don't often do... That's right.
11:23..because he'd insulted Liz Saville Roberts at PMQs.
11:27Yes. And, you know, he said she was talking rubbish.
11:30I think, let's see that.
11:31Maybe we'll see that with a little adjustment.
11:33Is there any belief he holds which survives a week in Downing Street?
11:38Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:40Yes, the belief that she talks rubbish.
11:45This is Keir Stalmer's deal with the EU,
11:47which has been seen by Brexiteers as a total sell-out.
11:51Brexiteers have claimed the new deal offers freedom of movement
11:54by the back door.
11:55To be fair to...
12:00The audience has defined itself.
12:03To be fair to Keir Stalmer, that's his only option
12:05while all his front doors are being repaired.
12:09It's a fire-bombing joke.
12:10Meanwhile...
12:13Always the best.
12:14According to The Guardian, negotiations were painstaking,
12:17with much time spent arguing over commas, as well as colons,
12:20whether the EU would allow them in sausages.
12:27Discussing the contents of the trade deal,
12:29The Daily Telegraph reported...
12:37God, I hope those two aren't linked.
12:40Sausages are always linked.
12:44Thank you very much.
12:48Paul and Janet, here's yours.
12:49Yes.
12:51OK, we know this man is Donald Trump.
12:54That's Ronald Reagan from the 80s.
12:57We're wearing a cowboy hat, that's a cartoon missile,
13:00probably from a Popeye film.
13:02And that's Melania.
13:06I think it's all to do with Donald Trump wanting to be someone
13:10who has a legacy, so this week he announced
13:13a new missile defence system.
13:15The Golden Dome, he's calling it, isn't he?
13:17The Golden Dome.
13:19Have you seen Donald Trump's mantelpiece?
13:21I beg your pardon?
13:23Donald Trump, his mantelpiece is gold, gold, gold,
13:29but it's all crap.
13:30Well, we've got a picture of him in the Oval Office
13:32with the Golden Dome, if you'd like to see that.
13:34Oh, yes. Please.
13:35There he is, and let's see the detail plan.
13:38Oh, my...
13:40They're going to have missiles in space...
13:42Yeah, yeah. ..that will fire down to get rid of other missiles.
13:46It's like a £500 billion kind of defence system,
13:50and it sounds like an ITV quiz show.
13:54Donald Trump's Golden Dome.
13:59It's because Israel has a system like this,
14:01which is called the Iron Dome.
14:02Yes. So he has to have a Golden Dome.
14:04Yeah. He doesn't realise that gold is softer than iron.
14:10Anyway, there's a tariff on missiles coming in.
14:13LAUGHTER
14:15It's about 25% at the moment, but it might change.
14:19It's Elon Musk's company, of course, SpaceX.
14:21That's going to have the contract to...
14:23Oh, no surprises there, then.
14:24They're going to launch rockets equipped with lethal payloads
14:28into orbit.
14:29And, of course, they did that trial run with Katy Perry,
14:31didn't they, so they know...
14:32LAUGHTER
14:34They know what they're doing.
14:36APPLAUSE
14:39What about the names for the missile defence system?
14:43There are three different options.
14:44There's one, the Gulf of Space.
14:48The White House suggested the names Moonshot Plus.
14:52Moonshot Plus Plus.
14:54Then they couldn't come up with a third one.
14:56Who is the latest person to be ambushed in the Oval Office?
14:59The President of South Africa.
15:01Oh, that was awkward. Did you see that?
15:03What intrigued me is who the President of South Africa
15:06took with him to meet with Donald Trump,
15:09to put Donald Trump in a really good mood.
15:11So he took two professional golfers.
15:14Those were the South African delegation.
15:16Not politicians.
15:19Not economists, but two top professional golfers.
15:24And, I mean, he just did that thing,
15:26which you obviously have to do now in the White House.
15:28You know, you're the President of South Africa,
15:30this man in front of you says,
15:33And we have a slideshow of made-up videos
15:35talking about white genocide in South Africa,
15:37and you go, hmm, it's like being in an asylum.
15:40It started out quite jolly, didn't it?
15:42The beginning of the meeting was fine.
15:44I'm sorry, I don't have a plane to give you.
15:46I wish I did.
15:49If your country offered the United States Air Force a plane,
15:53I would take it.
15:56But then, by the end of the meeting,
15:57it was a slightly different tone.
15:59Death.
16:00Death.
16:02Death.
16:03Horrible death.
16:06Trump produced some pictures of graves where these sort of massacres
16:10of white farmers supposedly happened,
16:12and the President said,
16:14Well, where is this?
16:17And Trump said, South Africa.
16:21I mean, it was all complete rubbish, but that's what you'd expect.
16:24There's a bonus point available.
16:26Yes, go on, then. Right. Fingers on buzzers.
16:28BUZZER
16:29I'll ask the question.
16:32Oh, I see, I was confused by the phrase, fingers on buzzers.
16:35What do these four have in common?
16:37Right. A 1970s bathroom.
16:40Yes. A New Zealander.
16:41Yes. An unwanted third person.
16:44And Bruce Springsteen.
16:46BUZZER
16:47Well, Trump's attacked Bruce Springsteen recently.
16:50Yes. What did he say about him?
16:51Criticised his skin, which is a bit...
16:53The pot calling the kettle black, isn't it?
16:56Avocado.
16:58So, an avocado bathroom.
17:00Yes. A New Zealander.
17:01Yes. A kiwi.
17:02An unwanted third person.
17:04A gooseberry.
17:05They're all fruits.
17:07And... Well, Springsteen isn't a fruit.
17:09Oh, no, you're right, it is, yeah. Sorry.
17:11Donald Trump called Springsteen...
17:13A tomato. ..a dried-out prune.
17:15Oh, a rocker.
17:17But aren't all prunes dried out?
17:19Why say dried-out prune?
17:20That's like saying wet rain.
17:21Yeah.
17:23Have you heard about the reality show
17:26that the Department of Homeland Security
17:28is thinking of commissioning?
17:29Oh, yes.
17:31Is it sort of like if you win the competition,
17:33you get to stay in America?
17:34Yes. Oh, no.
17:35Oh, no!
17:37I thought I was making it up. No.
17:38It's called The American, and the format is...
17:45..by undertaking typically American challenges,
17:47like log rolling in Wisconsin...
17:51..auto assembly in Detroit...
17:54..and getting shot by a police officer in Chicago.
17:58This idea has been pitched by a producer called Rob Wersoff.
18:05Staying with Trump supporters... Yes.
18:07..why was a couple from Rhode Island
18:10disappointed with a watch they'd bought?
18:13Oh, yes, I saw this story.
18:15It's a very ugly watch, it's like a pink sort of gold watch,
18:18and written inside the face of the watch, it says,
18:21TRUMP, but the T was missing.
18:23That's right.
18:24They bought it from gettrumpwatches.com.
18:26Yeah. $640.
18:28Yeah. It was supposed to look like this.
18:30But, in fact, it looked like this.
18:32Oh!
18:34But I like that. It's a great watch.
18:36I mean, a Trump watch should presumably tell you
18:38the time that he should be doing.
18:49Tim Pettit was the fellow who bought the watch for his wife, Melanie.
18:52He said...
18:58Well, you won't be disappointed, then, will you?
19:01The new American pope had a special visitor this week.
19:04Who was that? Yes.
19:05It was Vance.
19:07Oh, blimey, have they let him back in? Yeah.
19:09And the pope's still alive. Yeah.
19:12Which is amazing. Yeah.
19:14Because Vance took over as the Grim Reaper.
19:16Yeah, exactly.
19:17Gave him an invite, didn't he, to the White House?
19:20Did he give him an invite to the White House? He did, yes.
19:23Now, let's see His Holiness' excitement at the invitation.
19:26First of all, this is a letter from the President and First Lady
19:29inviting you to come to Europe, many things to do,
19:31but I wanted to make sure I came to the White House.
19:34LAUGHTER
19:36APPLAUSE
19:41It's a huge invitation, isn't it? Huge!
19:43He's got to hold it in both hands.
19:45It's an enormous envelope.
19:47You want to see the size of Donald Trump's writing, though.
19:49He uses a crayon.
19:52Who was especially surprised to see the new pope
19:54on the balcony of St Peter's?
19:56Oh, the old pope. Yeah.
20:00It was a personal trainer called Valerio Masella.
20:03Why was he surprised?
20:04Didn't know who he was until he saw him on the telly
20:06and he thought he was a banker or an accountant or something like that.
20:09Yes, according to The Times, he could lift 15kg with each arm
20:1320 times for three to four sets.
20:16Of course, that was as nothing compared to the effort he's making here,
20:18smiling at JD Vance.
20:22This is Donald Trump's plan to create a golden dome
20:25in the United States.
20:26Meanwhile, Trump is said to be working on a plan to move
20:28a million Palestinians from Gaza to Libya,
20:31even though the US State Department advises against travel to Libya
20:34due to crime, terrorism, unexploded landmines,
20:38civil unrest, kidnapping and armed conflict.
20:41To which the Gazans responded,
20:43sounds all right.
20:46According to Donald Trump, Iran has sort of agreed a deal
20:49on its nuclear programme.
20:51In the same way, for most of his life,
20:52Donald has sort of obtained consent.
20:55AUDIENCE GROANS
20:57APPLAUSE
21:02One possible obstacle to a nuclear deal with Iran is that Trump
21:05is seen as the murderer of General Qasem Soleimani,
21:08commander of the elite Quds Force, Iran's crack-scrabble team.
21:12LAUGHTER
21:14APPLAUSE
21:17Time now for Round Two.
21:18The one-armed noise bandit of news.
21:20Oh! Fingers on buzzers, teams.
21:30BUZZER
21:32Paul and Janet.
21:34This was quite an obscure story, but it's a couple who are having
21:38a romantic weekend at a hotel, and the husband told the hotel staff
21:42that my wife is going to be there.
21:44And the husband told the hotel staff that my wife is very fond of crisps.
21:47Could you sort of put some crisps on the bed?
21:53You've been there, haven't you?
21:56And he was expecting them to have bags of crisps,
21:59but what they did, they just emptied all the crisps...
22:03..onto the bed.
22:04And the couple in the next room heard a lot of pork scratching
22:08during the night.
22:10Let's have a look at the crisps strewn on the bed.
22:20Johnny Norman and his wife, Rachel, on a romantic weekend in Blackpool.
22:25There's an oxymoron, a romantic weekend in Blackpool.
22:28Big dipper. Well, I'm doing me best.
22:33What did Rachel make of the gesture?
22:37She was touched.
22:38According to the Manchester Evening News,
22:40Rachel thought they were victims of a strange break-in...
22:44..but she still decided to eat some of them.
22:46I think if I was on a date and I'd gone in and seen that,
22:50I might have thought, oh, I'll give it a go.
22:56And speaking of crisps... Yes. Yes, as we have been.
22:59Who's just been sacked? Gary Lineker.
23:01He's left the BBC after retweeting an offensive anti-Semitic tweet
23:08by someone else about Israel and Gaza.
23:11And having become famous, essentially, for saying that
23:16the government had used the language of the 1930s in Germany,
23:21he failed to spot that one of the big things they did in 1930s Germany
23:26was refer to Jews as rats.
23:28So he retweeted a rat and, understandably, had to resign.
23:33I just think, I'm sure he's a decent guy,
23:36but to retweet something like that on that subject
23:40without being ultra-careful what you are retweeting is stupid.
23:45Things aren't black and white and you have to be careful
23:48with the nuance, which obviously I always am
23:49and get into no trouble ever.
23:52People can be quite anti-BBC and so look for any reason
23:55to have a go at the BBC in these issues,
23:58but if you had a footballer tweeting things that made the team look bad,
24:02these people would be let go, you know what I mean?
24:04So why is it different?
24:05Yeah, and my main objection to the whole thing was,
24:08I don't mind him talking about politics, but the football...
24:11God...
24:15Would you keep the VAR system?
24:22Yes.
24:24I'll tell you what, I'm doing it next season, I'm going to be quicker.
24:26Yeah.
24:28APPLAUSE
24:34So, this Sunday, Gary Lineker is finishing his career with the BBC.
24:38Who are you going to follow the 26th World Cup with now, Ian?
24:41Maybe Sam Matterface on ITV?
24:43Yep, he's my man.
24:45Is he really called Sam Matterface?
24:46Yeah. Perhaps I'll just hire Gary Lineker, what do you think?
24:49I think ITV are going to, aren't they?
24:50I'm sure they will hire him to present at another show.
24:53Yeah, they don't mind.
24:55LAUGHTER
24:56I don't hire anyone.
24:58Thank you, Ian.
24:59LAUGHTER
25:01Well, I'm sure there'll be a slot for him on Loose Women.
25:04LAUGHTER
25:10I mean, I'm sure that sounded dirtier than you meant.
25:12LAUGHTER
25:14I wouldn't bet on it.
25:15LAUGHTER
25:17Finally, would you like to hear a highly respected broadcaster
25:20falling off a chair?
25:21Yes, please. Yes.
25:22Here we go.
25:23If they're supplying this service, I want to see what that service is
25:27and I don't want my water to be polluted.
25:29And this is where, you know, I think reform will do very well,
25:33as they did with the Scunthorpe steelworks.
25:35So they came in directly to say,
25:37that's an area the government needs to step in,
25:39that's where nationalisation needs to come in.
25:41Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, my God.
25:43OK, forget it. Fine, fine, fine. Just carry on.
25:46And so, there's, er...
25:53If you asked me what that was, I never would have thought a chair.
25:56It sounded like a building that collapsed.
25:59It sounds like you're in a platoon, and then,
26:01just go on without me, carry on!
26:02LAUGHTER
26:04Leave me behind!
26:05LAUGHTER
26:08This is the news that a man's romantic gesture
26:11for his crisp mad wife went wrong.
26:13Here's the bed covered in crisps.
26:16I'm not saying she was angry at the bed covered with crisps,
26:18but he does now have a sharp pain in the watsits.
26:20LAUGHTER
26:22Fingers on buzzers, teams.
26:29Hello.
26:31Yes?
26:32Well, that was very... It was a bit of nature and a hello.
26:35LAUGHTER
26:37Is this... Is this The Talking Trees?
26:39Yes. There you go.
26:40So, Chelsea Flower Show, because AI's everywhere now.
26:44It's even getting involved in nature,
26:46and they've connected trees up in a way that they can talk to you.
26:52And tell you what they want.
26:54And mainly, they just say,
26:55WATER!
26:56LAUGHTER
26:58I thought they'd done it because there's a royal visit,
27:00and they've got to have someone for Charles to talk to.
27:0412 trees have been fitted with sensors.
27:06Here's a sensor.
27:08It seems like it's been sort of hammered into the trunk.
27:10Yes. Yeah.
27:12They monitor the temperature in the soil.
27:14Yeah. And visitors can type questions to the tree
27:17and get a written answer about how they are.
27:19Stop hammering fucking sensors into me!
27:21LAUGHTER
27:24You know, you can ask the trees questions remotely as well.
27:27We did. Yeah.
27:28We asked a silver birch... Yes.
27:30..the question, what do you think of Ian Hislop?
27:33LAUGHTER
27:34I've gone in.
27:35Here's what we got back.
27:37It looks like there's been an issue with tree talk.
27:39Please try again later.
27:42What was the king showing off at the Chelsea Flower Show?
27:45Juggling skills.
27:47A new flower, the King's Rose.
27:50Oh, yes. They were presenting it formally at Chelsea,
27:52and in fact, the King's Rose was seen in David Beckham's buttonhole.
27:55Oh, blimey.
27:56LAUGHTER
27:59He really does want that knighthood.
28:00Really? Tiny shoes at the time.
28:02LAUGHTER
28:04This is the news that AI can help you talk to trees.
28:07King Charles has spent many hours talking to the trees at Highgrove.
28:11They eventually managed to get a word in.
28:12I see why you're angry, but we thought she was all right in suits.
28:15LAUGHTER
28:19Fingers on buzzers, teams.
28:23MUSIC PLAYS
28:30Handle.
28:31It's the water music.
28:33It's the theme tune for one of the most watched programmes
28:36in the world.
28:38News At Ten.
28:39LAUGHTER
28:40It's a huge...
28:41Oh, yes. ..programme.
28:43Handle Tonight.
28:44LAUGHTER
28:46It's a Eurovision song contest.
28:48Oh, yes. Yes.
28:49Who won?
28:51Oh, Austria. Yeah.
28:52It was Austria. Music.
28:53LAUGHTER
28:57How did the UK get on?
28:59Oh, they got nought points...
29:01..in the public vote. ..in the public vote.
29:03Did you vote for them, Paul?
29:05I didn't know it was on.
29:06LAUGHTER
29:08The French one was good.
29:09Somebody pointed out that it looked like the French lady
29:11had a little bit of tummy trouble. Oh, yes.
29:12Shall we have a look? Yeah, go on, then.
29:15LAUGHTER
29:25It's a drop of golden rain.
29:27I was about to say, I've never really been into shows
29:30where you have to vote before,
29:31but I've realised I actually quite like them now.
29:33LAUGHTER
29:34Did you win on the popular vote?
29:36I mean, I don't like to talk about it, Ian, but maybe.
29:38LAUGHTER
29:40Ian, it was the greatest thing that's ever been on television.
29:43And perhaps the greatest achievement,
29:45that Chris's personality remained the same all the way through.
29:48And he was like a comedian, except he did this incredible dancing.
29:51Do you know what? 20-odd years is the best compliment.
29:54Like a comedian!
29:55LAUGHTER
29:57I'm telling you.
29:58APPLAUSE
30:03I'm putting her on my tour posters.
30:05LAUGHTER
30:06Did anybody see the Finnish entry?
30:09Yes, quite a lot of people had tuned in.
30:11Don't think anybody made it to the Finnish.
30:13The Finnish entry, Erika Vikman's already quite raunchy song,
30:18I Komma...
30:19Yeah. Oh, yeah.
30:20..it was enhanced by adding a sign language interpreter
30:24into the mix.
30:25Let's have a look at this.
30:26MUSIC PLAYS
30:28MUSIC CONTINUES
30:30MUSIC CONTINUES
30:32MUSIC CONTINUES
30:34MUSIC CONTINUES
30:36MUSIC CONTINUES
30:38MUSIC CONTINUES
30:40MUSIC CONTINUES
30:42APPLAUSE
30:44She's meant to be doing a sign language.
30:46This is the Eurovision Song Contest.
30:48The UK entry did receive the maximum 12 points from the Italian jury,
30:52although it turned out that was the one and only concession
30:55Keir Starmer managed to wrangle from the EU trade deal.
30:59Time now for the odd one out round, just one between you this week.
31:02They are...
31:08They're pictures of them.
31:09Ben Houchen, he's the mayor of Teesside.
31:12The top right man was Paul Hudson.
31:14Now, Paul Hudson, I know only too well,
31:18he's the weatherman for BBC Look North.
31:22In every broadcast, he mentioned the weather in wet wang.
31:27Wet wang.
31:28I think that Paul Hudson was dubbed the mayor of wet wang
31:34by another TV presenter, Richard Whiteley,
31:37and James Corden, of course, was overheard saying
31:41he was open to the idea of being mayor of London.
31:45Of course, he's got all the skills, all the people skills, hasn't he?
31:49Who is the odd one out?
31:51The horse.
31:52I'm jumping in there because I think the horse is a mayor.
31:55Oh!
31:57The horse is a mayor.
32:01The weatherman's a mayor.
32:02And I know you got all this, but I'm taking your findings.
32:05Yeah.
32:06And then the other fella's a mayor, the North East guy,
32:08and James Corden's the only one that wants to be a mayor.
32:11And I would never have got that if you hadn't have told me
32:13anything about the others.
32:15That is the right answer.
32:17Oh, no!
32:18APPLAUSE
32:21I think, Grace, I'm gutted.
32:23But there are points and we're not sharing them.
32:26Yeah, but also, a horse called Patrick is not a mayor.
32:30It is. Australian.
32:31No, he's actually a mayor.
32:33It's not a mayor, but it is a mayor.
32:35He is a mayor.
32:37It doesn't work written down.
32:39The horse is the mayor of Cocklington in Devon.
32:41Oh, good, well, I got it wrong, but for the wrong reason.
32:44It's good.
32:45Patrick, a two-foot miniature Shetland pony,
32:49was made mayor of the Devon village of Cocklington in 2022
32:53because he was non-judgmental, genuinely caring
32:56and supportive to all.
32:58Here he is in his robes.
33:00Yeah.
33:03And what's the controversy surrounding Patrick?
33:06He hasn't done anything.
33:07He's been barred from the pub.
33:09Barred from the pub?
33:10Yes, he used to enjoy popping in for a Guinness.
33:12To the Drum Inn, he had his own table.
33:14Here he is having a Guinness.
33:18But Torbay local council have said that his table
33:21doesn't have planning permission.
33:25And he can't even go in the garden because the pub lawn
33:28would have to be reclassified as official grazing land.
33:31And there's almost no scandal about the development corporation
33:35in the horses' area, unlike some of the other people
33:39in the photos.
33:40Oh, there's Lord Hoochin.
33:42Teesside.
33:43Have a look.
33:44Baron Hoochin of Highleven is the mayor of Tees Valley
33:47and the chair of the Tees Valley Combined Authority,
33:50overseeing the regeneration of the country's biggest
33:52brownfield site.
33:54Let's see how that regeneration is going.
33:57Yeah.
33:58There's been a huge amount of money taken out of the site
34:01and very, very little put in.
34:03I mean, a government panel had a look at this and, you know,
34:06certain various irresponsible members of the press
34:09have suggested there's something pretty fishy going on here.
34:12They've done it every fortnight in their appalling publications.
34:16The inquiry found no evidence of wrongdoing, of course.
34:19No, they didn't, but they found lots of other evidence
34:22of bad management and lack of transparency
34:25and other questions that hadn't been answered.
34:28You know, you can take that either way.
34:32James Corden was asked, would you run for mayor?
34:35And he sort of said, oh, maybe.
34:37He was in conversation at the BAFTAs with Beth Rigby.
34:40If I say conversation, it's possible she just asked him a question
34:43in her traditional style. Let's have a look.
34:45Covid, war in Ukraine, finally...
34:49Are you looking forward to the election?
34:51Can you win it? Can you win it?
34:53That was Richard Holder in the Conservative Party chair.
34:56I just saw him out of my... I love it, though.
35:00Well, Paul the Weatherman... Is he a proper mayor?
35:02Well, he's an honorary mayor, but Richard Whiteley was previously
35:06the mayor of Wetwang.
35:08Since 2006, it's been Paul Hudson, the weatherman from Look North.
35:12So we've gone from Cockington to Wetwang.
35:14I think Michael Portillo did that on The Great Railway Journey.
35:18When he became the mayor of Wetwang, he told Keithley News...
35:27Anyway, the government's been trying to introduce a banter ban,
35:30as you know, but it hasn't reached the Look North studio,
35:33so here's a thing where...
35:35So Paul is there with the presenter, Peter Levy,
35:38and some novelty drinks coasters have been made up with their faces on,
35:42and here's the chat they have.
35:44That's the forecast.
35:45Anne Yates says...
35:53No, hang on, hang on, hang on.
36:01I've actually lost a word, so carry on.
36:04I've just read the next line. I can't do it!
36:08You can have a coaster, Anne.
36:11And if he was face upwards, he would be looking north.
36:13Looking north, yeah.
36:16They're all currently mayors, except for James Corden,
36:19who is reportedly considering running to be one.
36:22BBC weatherman Paul Hudson is mayor of a village in Yorkshire.
36:25One reporter declared...
36:27In 2006, Paul was memorably elected mayor of Wetwang.
36:30Yes, you remember it, not the execution of Saddam Hussein
36:33right off the front pages.
36:35The four-legged mayor of Cockington in Devon is Patrick,
36:38a Shetland pony.
36:39No wonder he's controversial.
36:41He's not even from the area.
36:45Time now for the Missing Words round,
36:47which this week features, as its guest publication, Quarry Management.
36:50You should read this week's fantastic piece
36:52about a key element of successful quarrying.
36:54It's dynamite.
36:57And we start with...
37:03Build their own quarry.
37:06It's not a quarrying one.
37:14The French roadside wine dispensers cater for drivers of every taste.
37:17White van man and red van man.
37:21APPLAUSE
37:25Next...
37:31What's the big event of the quarry year?
37:33Miss Quarry.
37:37Quarry fans should have the date of the UK concrete show
37:41firmly in their diaries.
37:43Oh, I've given out the concrete awards.
37:45Have you? I should know that. What?
37:47I've presented the glass awards, the concrete awards
37:50and the brick awards.
37:53Who's that, the thickest person?
37:57Well, all the more reason to have the date of the UK concrete show
38:00firmly in your diaries.
38:02Although, just to warn you, that date's not set in stone.
38:07Next...
38:12Corruption.
38:14A local council plans Britain's first-ever festival
38:17dedicated to Margaret Thatcher.
38:19Oh, really?
38:22The festival will feature special beers to celebrate Thatcher,
38:25including Iron Lady and Grantham Lass,
38:27and, for later in her life, Old Peculiar.
38:32There'll be a variety of events at the Thatcher Festival,
38:35but apparently no dancing, because her grave is elsewhere.
38:39APPLAUSE
38:43Next...
38:50Establishing quarrying as the number one subject
38:53at Islington dinner parties.
38:55No.
38:57Knocking off the woman next door.
39:00Amongst the many achievements of the outgoing president
39:02of the Institute of Quarrying, he'd be particularly proud
39:04of the development of the National Stone Centre.
39:07If you'd like to one day become the president
39:09of the Institute of Quarrying, first you'll need a degree in geology,
39:12and then, I guess, just keep chipping away.
39:16Next...
39:20Brexit.
39:23Brexit, Brexit, Brexit.
39:28Brexit.
39:31Every 18 seconds, every day for the last ten years...
39:34Henry Burgess has a massive orgasm.
39:38Knocks the tiles off his roof.
39:40A new quarry is discovered.
39:43You can have it for that.
39:45It's a pothole that's been filled in Britain.
39:47Oh, right. According to a survey, 52% of local roads
39:50have less than 15 years' structural life left,
39:53which is about 15 years more than Eamon Holmes's chair.
39:58Next...
40:00What surprised to discover unusually large what?
40:03Is this the fossil story? The dinosaurs?
40:05Yes. Archaeologists surprised to discover
40:07unusually large number of dinosaur bone skeletons.
40:10It's the first bit. What surprised to discover dinosaur bones?
40:13Archaeologists? Archaeologists? No.
40:15Geologists? No. They found them in Tesco.
40:17No. Come on, think laterally.
40:19Man.
40:22Woman. No, I'm sorry, it's quarry worker.
40:25Oh, yeah.
40:27Quarry worker surprised to discover
40:29unusually large prehistoric pterosaur bone.
40:32According to quarry management,
40:34the prehistoric bone dates from the Bajochian Age.
40:37And if you want to know when that was,
40:39it came just after the...
40:48Next...
40:53Supported Leeds United.
40:55Had sex on bed full of crisps.
40:59A couple who were locked in Madam Tussauds for four hours
41:03say it was the worst experience of their lives.
41:05They should have started moving.
41:09After their experience of being locked in Madam Tussauds
41:11in Blackpool, Michelle Robinson said,
41:13I would never go back there, as says everyone after a visit.
41:18Finally, research shows 67% of British students rarely what?
41:22Study.
41:25Visit a quarry.
41:27Research shows 67% of British students rarely use semicolons.
41:3433% of students use semicolons.
41:38Yeah, shocking, isn't it?
41:40They use them to make a winky face when they send a dick pic.
41:47How many people are in this audience?
41:49Give us a cheer if you've ever used a semicolon
41:52grammatically this year.
41:56Oh, God, fuck yourselves.
42:01You're very unlucky that the Semicolon Appreciation Society
42:04has put three out of five rows tonight.
42:08So, the final scores are...
42:10Ian and Chris have five, Paul and Janet have six.
42:18Before we go, it's just time for the caption competition.
42:20Well, I'll leave this to you, mate, otherwise we'll be here all night.
42:26Look, you can deny sleeping with my wife until you're blue in the face.
42:33On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
42:36Ian Hislop and Chris McCausland, Paul Merton and Janet Street-Porter.
42:39And I leave you with news that despite the EU trade deal,
42:42Emmanuel Macron can't resist drawing attention
42:45to the UK's over-generous sausage quota.
42:51Stars turn out to the premiere of the new Mission Impossible film
42:54as Bono prepares to meet Tom Cruise.
43:00And in a polo match in Buckinghamshire,
43:02there's shock as a freak gust of wind blows away the tent
43:05that was concealing Prince Andrew and a young friend.
43:14Goodnight.
43:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:27APPLAUSE
43:51My grandfather worked in a quarry.
43:54I've just remembered.
43:56Yeah, my dad was a civil engineer.
43:58I was conceived on a bed of crisps.