- 4/27/2025
Have I Got a Bit More News for You S69 E04
Category
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CreativityTranscript
00:30Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:40I'm Angela Rippon.
00:42Now, in the news this week, Jeff Bezos denies funding his fiancée's spaceflight by siphoning
00:48money from other projects as testing begins on Amazon's new flying delivery vehicles.
01:00In Shropshire, after an entire group of Alcoholics Anonymous all fall off the wagon at the same
01:06time, attempts to pinpoint a cause focus on the previous day's guest speaker.
01:12And in Cheltenham, Frankie de Tori is forced to improvise as his car indicators stop working.
01:24On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who recently said that she sees no reason to retire, as
01:36there are some amazing examples of people still going into their 80s.
01:41Will you please welcome the guest on tonight's winning team, Joe Brand.
01:44On Paul's team tonight is a best-selling author and presenter who recorded 1,300 episodes
01:58of the game show Pointless, giving away total prize money of almost £300.
02:03Will you please welcome Richard Osman.
02:06APPLAUSE
02:08Well, we begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:13Ian and Joe, here are yours.
02:16Oh, St Peter's Square.
02:19That's the shortlist for Pope.
02:22Can't get in.
02:23What's the news?
02:24They're sealing the door.
02:26I know, I've seen Conclave.
02:28Oh, and that's J.D. Vance asking for forgiveness.
02:32LAUGHTER
02:34Is he not J.D. Vance any more?
02:37I thought he was J.D. Sports.
02:39LAUGHTER
02:40The Pope's dead.
02:41On Easter Monday, wasn't it?
02:43It was.
02:44Yes, indeed.
02:45Shortly after he met J.D. Vance.
02:47Yeah.
02:48I think it's Vance, isn't it?
02:49Yeah.
02:50LAUGHTER
02:51Yes, it was meeting J.D. Vance.
02:53Vance or Vance.
02:54Yes.
02:55He was given advance warning.
02:56LAUGHTER
02:58And there he is.
02:59Yes.
03:00You can see the look in the Pope's eyes.
03:02LAUGHTER
03:03Right, that's it, I'm off.
03:05LAUGHTER
03:07It's the sort of Liz Truss effect, isn't it?
03:11LAUGHTER
03:12This is indeed the news that the Pope has died.
03:15Thousands of mourners got the chance to file past the Pope's coffin
03:19just as soon as Holly and Phil had paid their respects.
03:23LAUGHTER
03:29He was visited by J.D. Vance.
03:31And in recognition of the Pope's record on speaking out against climate change,
03:36J.D. arrived at the Vatican in a motorcade of 40...
03:40Wow.
03:41..4x4s.
03:42I can't do that sum.
03:44Yeah.
03:46LAUGHTER
03:47I've been on before when a Pope died.
03:49Yeah.
03:50Yeah, so I think I've had two dead Popes now.
03:52If I get a third, I think that makes me the Antichrist.
03:54LAUGHTER
03:55You're on the way.
03:56I could live without it.
03:57Yeah.
03:58Imagine the car insurance if you were the Antichrist.
04:00Yeah, yeah.
04:01You could arrive in six six-by-sixes.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:04Now, Ian, do you know about the eerie coincidence involving the Welsh
04:11footballer Aaron Ramsey?
04:14LAUGHTER
04:17Do you know, I don't.
04:19Anybody?
04:20Yes, I think every time a Pope has died he scored for Wales
04:24or for Arsenal or for...
04:26Can't be a Pope dies every time he scores, that'd be 20 Popes a season,
04:29wouldn't it?
04:31Funnily enough, you're right.
04:33Because every time he scores a goal, a famous person dies.
04:37Oh, OK.
04:38When he scored twice in two games in 2016,
04:40David Bowie and Alan Rickman died.
04:43To be honest, a famous person dies every day,
04:47so this correlation is statistically poor.
04:52LAUGHTER
04:54Sorry, I've just got to get that, hang on.
04:56LAUGHTER
04:57Hello, yeah.
04:58Well, I could start on Monday.
05:00LAUGHTER
05:02Yeah, I was brought up as a Catholic, yeah.
05:06LAUGHTER
05:07I've got to finish this and I'll be with you.
05:08Yeah, yeah.
05:09Hey-hey!
05:10I don't care about the score now.
05:11That's fantastic.
05:12Habamus Papam.
05:13How dare you!
05:14Imagine if you'd ring Sky Bet and say,
05:15give me odds for Paul Merton to be Pope.
05:16LAUGHTER
05:17So, who are the leading candidates for the top job of Pope?
05:22They're lining up the candidates.
05:24Ralph Fiennes.
05:25So, you've seen the film as well.
05:26Yes, and like most newspaper journalists, I thought that's enough research.
05:29I'd go for Stanley Tucci, who is the menopausal lady's fave.
05:32LAUGHTER
05:33There's lots of very, very...
05:34There are names of people who sound like they're going to be Pope.
05:35Mm.
05:36And then there's a Kevin.
05:37I know that, cos I looked through the betting.
05:38Right.
05:39And Kevin was 20 to 1.
05:40I think it was born in Dublin.
05:41Right, OK.
05:42And then there were more people who was the first chance to be Pope.
05:43What are your favourite part of the book?
05:44Do you have a favorite part of the book, who, as I said,
05:46did you sign up for a book or do you sign up for the book,
06:00then...
06:01So, the first time you'd put the book over the b.
06:03..and you can count as one of the people or two of the people of the
06:05He was born in Dublin and then went to America most of his life.
06:09That's all I've got, Angela.
06:11Well, basically, he's the caretaker pope.
06:13He locks up at night.
06:15That's the job you've been off.
06:25I think I might have him excommunicate.
06:28So what happens next?
06:30Well, you know, I'll be travelling to Rome tomorrow.
06:35A bit before then, what happens next?
06:37Oh, I should go home and tell the wife and said,
06:40this is probably going to make it a bit awkward for you.
06:43Well, world leaders, of course, have been paying tribute to the pope.
06:47Did any of you see Donald Trump's tribute?
06:50I quite liked what he said about coming to...
06:53Because he's going to the funeral and he said,
06:56I'm really looking forward to it, exclamation mark.
07:00Well, he actually paid tribute to the pope with all the solemnity
07:04and dignity that we have come to expect from Donald.
07:08In the US, President Trump ordered flags at the White House
07:11and on government buildings to be lowered.
07:14He paid tribute to the pope during an Easter egg hunt in Washington,
07:18appearing on the balcony with his wife and a giant rabbit.
07:23He's a good man, worked hard.
07:26He loved the world and it's an honour to do that.
07:33There's a threesome to die for.
07:35I think he was thinking it would be another type of bunny.
07:40Yes.
07:41Well, fortunately, there were no photographers on hand
07:44to make Trump look ridiculous.
07:54You'd think he'd try and get his hand the same shade as his face,
07:57wouldn't you?
08:00What has the US said recently regarding Ukraine?
08:04He said it's Zelensky's fault.
08:06There would be peace if only the person whose country
08:08had been invaded would just shut up.
08:10Also, he said, we're going to pull out.
08:11We're not interested in negotiating a peace settlement.
08:13We're just going to give up on it.
08:14We're going to pass on it, I think was the phrase he used.
08:16Yeah, he's bored.
08:17Yeah.
08:18I mean, he's considered, you know, this important matter for days.
08:21But didn't he say he was going to stop the war in a day
08:23as soon as he became President, Trump said that?
08:25He did.
08:26And then, didn't he say...
08:27100 days.
08:28100 days, yeah.
08:29But like a lot of things he said, it isn't true.
08:34Trump posted about Zelensky on Truth Social saying,
08:37we are very close to a deal but the man with no cards to play
08:41should now finally get it done.
08:43But then also on Thursday...
08:45Yes.
08:46Trump posted, I am not happy with the Russian strikes on Kyiv.
08:50Not necessary.
08:51Very bad timing.
08:53Vladimir, stop!
08:55That's telling him.
08:57Now, what has Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth done for a second time?
09:02He's leaked confidential information about war plans
09:06and this time he appears to have told his wife and her brother.
09:10Yeah.
09:11And all his friends.
09:12And this time he's really cross,
09:14because last time he didn't get fired
09:16and this time there was some suggestion he might.
09:19Is that right?
09:20Well, yes.
09:21How did Hegseth defend himself?
09:23Didn't he say someone made it up?
09:25Well, he...
09:26Oh, he said...
09:27No, that's right.
09:28He said somebody's been leaking information
09:29without realising that it's him.
09:31LAUGHTER
09:32He's the one that's been doing it.
09:34Well, he certainly didn't deny it, but what he did do
09:38was attack the news media by saying,
09:40you get anonymous sources with Axis to Grind
09:43and then you pull it all together
09:45as if it's some kind of news story?
09:48LAUGHTER
09:49Well, the satirical website Babylon Bee pointed out this.
09:53Are you still interested in receiving texts
09:56about upcoming military strikes?
09:59LAUGHTER
10:00APPLAUSE
10:02Reply, stop, to unsubscribe.
10:05LAUGHTER
10:07What message did Boris Johnson recently admit
10:10to sending in error?
10:12I'm your father.
10:13LAUGHTER
10:15And yours.
10:16And yours.
10:17LAUGHTER
10:18In the Daily Mail this week,
10:20Boris Johnson described how he sent a WhatsApp message
10:23in error and a message read...
10:26Hi, babe, I'm at the Duty Free.
10:28LAUGHTER
10:29He sent it to every Conservative MP
10:31and, worst of all, he sent it to his wife.
10:33LAUGHTER
10:36Well, we know tariffs are playing havoc with the American economy,
10:41but what else is adding to their financial troubles?
10:44Is it Rachel Reeves visiting?
10:46LAUGHTER
10:47Oh, no, it's much more serious than that.
10:49No-one wants to go there on holiday.
10:51Oh, yes. Yes.
10:52Oh.
10:53Yes.
10:54According to The Times,
10:55numbers of tourists entering the US have fallen by over 10%
10:59in just one month because people...
11:01They've all been arrested and sent to El Salvador.
11:05Almost, yes, they're not going because they either disapprove
11:08of what the Trump administration is doing
11:10or they are seriously worried that they may be arrested
11:13and then deported.
11:14Yes, I haven't booked any holidays.
11:17LAUGHTER
11:18Oh, man, you're going to be at that airport for so long.
11:21LAUGHTER
11:22You're going to hear the snap of that rubber glove.
11:24LAUGHTER
11:26It was in Italy. There was Americans next to us.
11:31They heard me speak English and they...
11:33This woman leant over and said,
11:35I'd like to apologise for the orange one.
11:39LAUGHTER
11:40She couldn't even say his name.
11:41Was there?
11:42She was just too embarrassed.
11:44She's probably eating a bag of Revels.
11:46LAUGHTER
11:47So, this is the news that Pope Francis has passed away
11:53at the age of 88.
11:55Prince William and Sir Keir Starmer will be travelling
11:58to Vatican City to represent the UK at the Pope's funeral.
12:02It'll be two and a half hours of incomprehensible waffle,
12:06but hopefully Starmer will shut up once the funeral starts.
12:09LAUGHTER
12:10Donald Trump solemnly announced the Pope's death
12:13from the White House balcony.
12:16According to the New Statesman,
12:18Trump then walked down the stairs, stopped
12:21and turned to salute the Easter Bunny.
12:24LAUGHTER
12:26Well, to be fair, the bunny had just been made
12:28head of US Armed Forces.
12:30LAUGHTER
12:32One Italian candidate for Pope is Cardinal Pizzaballa,
12:36who once offered himself up in a hostage exchange deal.
12:40A deal that also included free garlic bread and a bottle of Fanta.
12:44LAUGHTER
12:46Paul and Richard?
12:47Yeah.
12:48Here's yours.
12:50So, this is a monkey enjoying a drink
12:52and that's the 1970s for you.
12:54That's somebody who's had too much to drink
12:56and there's some more beer.
12:58So, yes, we know this, don't we,
13:00but this is about monkeys consuming alcohol.
13:02They get drunk, monkeys.
13:03Monkeys are getting drunk.
13:04They've been spotted in the jungle eating sort of like rotten fruit
13:08that's turned into alcohol and they're all sitting around
13:10having a good time.
13:11And it's the first time it's been observed using alcohol
13:14to lubricate a social gathering.
13:17You're so right.
13:18Yeah, I know, I wouldn't have said it otherwise.
13:20LAUGHTER
13:22This is the news that our pub culture may have evolved from apes.
13:25Yes, exactly, yes.
13:26It's the first time they've been seen doing this
13:28and some one of us put up a dart board.
13:30LAUGHTER
13:31The second Attenborough is out of the picture.
13:33They do everything.
13:34They talk.
13:35They drive.
13:36Yeah.
13:37They're watching Netflix.
13:38Yeah.
13:39They're all just talking about adolescence.
13:41LAUGHTER
13:42Is it all male monkeys or are they...?
13:45Of course.
13:46Yeah.
13:47Ian, give it 30 years, mate.
13:49Come on.
13:50Yeah, and then we'll pop along for a sherry.
13:52LAUGHTER
13:53Well, it's researchers at the University of Exeter in Devon
13:56who've observed chimpanzees in Guinea-Bissau.
13:59What happens when people get together for a drink in a pub
14:02that researchers think may have evolved from this chimp's behaviour?
14:06Pork scratchings.
14:08LAUGHTER
14:09Has a chimp been observed getting up and saying,
14:11I'll get these.
14:12Yeah.
14:13You're my best mate.
14:14LAUGHTER
14:15It's like the Bushes guy.
14:16I'll give that five minutes if I were you.
14:18Yeah.
14:19LAUGHTER
14:20The scientific answer is that alcohol releases dopamine,
14:25leading to feelings of happiness and relaxation.
14:28Yes.
14:29And drinking in groups strengthens social bonds.
14:32Yes.
14:33And, in fact, animals have often been first to do something
14:35that we now all do all the time, like taking an Uber ride.
14:38And if you don't believe me, just watch this.
14:41It's really cute.
14:42This is so cool.
14:43I don't know that that part is locked. Let's find out.
14:44Will he just...?
14:45Yeah.
14:46Oh, Greg.
14:47Greg.
14:48Oh, my God.
14:49Oh, my God!
14:51Greg!
14:52Oh, my God!
14:53Greg!
14:54Oh, my God!
14:55The woods, please, and I'm in a hurry.
14:58LAUGHTER
15:07Staying with alcohol...
15:08Yes.
15:09..what is the main ingredient in a new beer
15:12that is being developed in Austria?
15:14It's not a plant of any kind, is it?
15:16No.
15:17Chocolate.
15:18Concrete.
15:19Yes.
15:20Bison.
15:21No.
15:22A portable loo company is developing a beer made from human urine.
15:26LAUGHTER
15:27Disgusting, perhaps, but when you think about it,
15:30not the worst thing to have come out of Austria.
15:32Yeah.
15:33LAUGHTER
15:35I've got a question, though.
15:37If you drink that, do you piss lager?
15:39LAUGHTER
15:40Well, the researchers at the portable loo company collect the contents and then they extract the urine.
15:48You mean they take the piss?
15:49They take it.
15:50LAUGHTER
15:51Sorry.
15:52You know you can get tiger urine that, like, scares foxes off from your garden?
15:56You get tiger urine and elephant urine.
15:58Yeah.
15:59And that's someone's job, right?
16:00Yeah.
16:01I'm not sure you'd drink it, though.
16:02No, I wouldn't drink it.
16:03No.
16:04Not again.
16:05LAUGHTER
16:06Who's collecting tiger urine?
16:08And how do you get them to aim into a bottle?
16:10LAUGHTER
16:11It is apparently a genuine attempt to extract drinkable safe water from urine.
16:16Would any of you actually drink it, do you think?
16:19Er, I'm going to say no.
16:22Who?
16:23As Pope, I really shouldn't be sort of endorsing any particular piss-based drink.
16:29But imagine the sponsorship deals that you get as Pope.
16:32Oh, that's true.
16:33A little thing there, a little thing there, something on the hat.
16:35Yes.
16:36Finally, it was announced this week that dark chocolate Toblerone will no longer be available in the UK.
16:42Yes.
16:43Which came as a big surprise to most of us because none of us knew that it was here in the UK.
16:46No, no idea.
16:47It's the best-selling chocolate in the world, Toblerone.
16:50But have you ever had the dark chocolate?
16:52No, of course not.
16:53I'm not a savage.
16:54LAUGHTER
16:55Honestly, I'd rather drink piss.
16:57LAUGHTER
16:58That's the advert.
17:00LAUGHTER
17:01Such a good tagline.
17:03Yeah, I'd rather drink piss.
17:05LAUGHTER
17:06Well, this is the news that chimpanzees have been filmed in the wild,
17:11sharing fruit that contains alcohol.
17:13The scientists estimate that for the chimpanzees, 85% of their diet is alcoholic fruit.
17:20The other 15% is kebabs.
17:22LAUGHTER
17:23So, at the end of that round, it's two points each.
17:28Two points each.
17:29Two points each.
17:30Very good.
17:31APPLAUSE
17:36A report on the economy has just come through from number 11 Downing Street.
17:41The Chancellor's statement reads as follows.
17:43There may be trouble ahead, but while there's moonlight and music and love and romance,
17:50it's time for round two, the high kick of news.
17:53So, fingers on buzzers, teams.
17:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:02There's a statue somewhere that's very unpopular...
18:04..of a duck.
18:06So expensive.
18:07Look at the size of that bill.
18:09LAUGHTER
18:11I mean...
18:13They just discontinued Darktober and I'm having a bad week.
18:17LAUGHTER
18:18No, this is the news that a man walked across the Yorkshire Dales
18:20dressed as a curlew.
18:22Oh, is that him, is it?
18:23So, why on earth did he do that?
18:25Well, why did he do it?
18:27That's what his family are asking.
18:29Charitable reasons, no doubt?
18:31Don't they nest on the ground and that's quite dangerous.
18:35Yeah, he could have all of that, actually.
18:37It is his favourite bird.
18:39Matt Trevelyan from Yorkshire decided to walk 53 miles along the Nidderdale Way
18:44to warn against the bird's extinction
18:47and to raise awareness of World Curlew Day, which was last Monday.
18:52Here he is on BBC Breakfast.
18:55LAUGHTER
18:57It's like some kind of mythical beast, isn't it?
18:59They've got big legs, haven't they, curlews?
19:02LAUGHTER
19:03World Curlew Day on Monday, the same day as the Pope died,
19:05knocked them out of the headlines, didn't it?
19:07LAUGHTER
19:08Honestly, it's the perfect day. There's nothing else happening.
19:10People are going to go crazy.
19:12Do you know, every time he gets into that costume,
19:14a famous person dies?
19:16LAUGHTER
19:18APPLAUSE
19:20So, the big question is, how did all of you celebrate World Curlew Day?
19:26I ate a couple of them.
19:27Lovely.
19:28LAUGHTER
19:29Cos they nest on the ground, they're so easy to get.
19:31LAUGHTER
19:33What's the good news for the curlew on Orkney?
19:35Oh, they've got rid of the stoats that were killing them off.
19:37Mm!
19:38There's been a stoat cull.
19:39Yeah.
19:40Is there a save the stoat movement?
19:42LAUGHTER
19:43Well, they had to tell the curlews to go in early at night,
19:45which was a curlew curfew.
19:46LAUGHTER
19:48And they had a big campaign, stop the stoats.
19:51Yeah.
19:52The real problem...
19:53Not very much.
19:55LAUGHTER
19:57I like the way Ian says thank you very much to total silence.
20:00LAUGHTER
20:02Well, the stoats have gone, but the real problem in Orkney
20:05might be the weather.
20:06Let's go for a report from one of the locals.
20:09So, you went to visit Orkney during the winter.
20:12How's the weather?
20:17I mean, it's a bit breezy sometimes.
20:27Do you think when Trump comes we can send him to Orkney?
20:30Yes.
20:31LAUGHTER
20:36In related news...
20:37Yes.
20:38..what is a man in Japan being dressing up as?
20:40A pigeon.
20:417,000 stoats.
20:43LAUGHTER
20:44No.
20:45A border collie.
20:46Ah, yes.
20:47He's spent £12,000 on a hyper-realistic costume
20:50so that he can live as the animal.
20:52Mm.
20:53His name is Toko and here he is.
20:56LAUGHTER
20:58But what is his problem?
21:01LAUGHTER
21:03Having a lot of time.
21:07It's not worms, is it?
21:08Mm-mm.
21:10He's opened a zoo for humans where people can come and dress as dogs,
21:15but an upcoming event in May has received no bookings.
21:21So his zoo is now facing closure.
21:23He should have dressed as a shit zoo.
21:25LAUGHTER
21:27Hey!
21:31What do you think you'd be able to do at his zoo if you went there?
21:34Seek help.
21:36Visitors can pay £256 to spend three hours dressed as an Alaskan Malamute.
21:45What actually is a Malamute?
21:47Is it a type of dog?
21:48No, it's a type of jam produced by Megan.
21:52LAUGHTER
21:54So this is the man who walked 53 miles dressed as a curlew.
21:58Here is his curlew outfit, which really is pretty impressive,
22:02but you wouldn't want him running behind you in the marathon.
22:06LAUGHTER
22:07The curlew is famed for its graceful posture and long legs.
22:11Get your own act.
22:13LAUGHTER
22:14So, fingers on buzzers, teams.
22:17BUZZER
22:20Yes, this is the Supreme Court ruling, which a lot of people said,
22:24Have I Got News was pathetic, cos last week nobody answered this question
22:28and it wasn't asked.
22:29It was asked, actually, and I answered it at some length.
22:32I gave my views about John Stuart Mill's clash of different rights
22:35and competitive demands on a legal system
22:38and I talked for some time about what I thought was a very rational solution
22:43of the two parliamentary acts which the Supreme Court had been asked...
22:47And they cut it out.
22:49LAUGHTER
22:51Well, you do know this programme is only 29 minutes long.
22:53It is.
22:54It seemed longer last week.
22:56LAUGHTER
22:57It isn't easy to do this particular subject, as Keir Starmer has found out.
23:03I'm aware I'm talking over you.
23:04No, no, you're not talking over me cos I haven't said anything.
23:08LAUGHTER
23:10I think this is a thing that a lot of people wouldn't want to say anything
23:14because it's a very sort of venomous situation
23:18and I think, kind of, a lot of people are genuinely a bit frightened.
23:23Mm.
23:24No-one really wants to get a death threat on...
23:26I've had quite a few of them.
23:27Mm.
23:28And, er, that's why I've learned to dress up as a bird
23:31and wander round the moors.
23:34LAUGHTER
23:35So what has he changed his mind about?
23:37Well, what he said is the Supreme Court verdict gives clarity.
23:41He's not particularly keen to say what.
23:43He used to say all sorts of things.
23:45And he's been called out.
23:46And he's been called out.
23:47And, er...
23:48Thanks.
23:49And, er...
23:50I think cervixes are hilarious as well.
23:53LAUGHTER
23:54Yeah, and now he's done a complete about-turn.
23:56He has and he doesn't want to admit it.
23:58Has someone admitted it on his behalf, though?
24:00Yes.
24:01A Downing Street spokesman said,
24:02Keir now thinks that trans women are not women.
24:06Last week, Kemi Badenoch declared that the Conservative Party
24:09have always understood what a woman is.
24:13Here is Kemi firing off a zinger
24:16at Prime Minister's Question Time on Wednesday.
24:18Oh, yeah.
24:19This is a question about moral courage, Mr Speaker,
24:22about doing the right thing, even when it is difficult.
24:26And the truth is, he doesn't have the balls.
24:30CHEERING
24:31Weren't people commenting on the fact
24:33that that's all she went on about?
24:35She didn't mention anything else like Trump,
24:38like Putin, like Ukraine?
24:41Like the Toblerone thing?
24:43Yeah.
24:44LAUGHTER
24:45Up to this point, she's not been very good
24:47at Prime Minister's Question Time.
24:49And she had a good outing in that he had...
24:52A bad outing.
24:54He had a very bad outing because he did say one thing
24:56and he has changed his mind and he doesn't want to admit it.
24:58Last week, the Supreme Court ruled that women were defined
25:02by biological sex and explained it in an 88-page legal judgement.
25:08You see, just 88 pages.
25:10It really was that simple.
25:12It's good, though.
25:13It is worth a read.
25:14It is fairly clear.
25:15You've read all 88 pages?
25:16Yeah, no, no.
25:17I'm waiting for the film to come out.
25:18Yeah.
25:19LAUGHTER
25:20Fingers on buzzers again, teams.
25:22Ooh!
25:23People smell.
25:25It's to do with smell, certainly, because this is the news
25:27that women select their best friends based on how they smell.
25:32That's bullshit.
25:33LAUGHTER
25:34That's bullshit.
25:35You're my best friend.
25:37LAUGHTER
25:38Tell it to the scientists at Cornell University in New York,
25:40because they say that women chose friends based on smell
25:44and that they can tell if they're going to be friends with someone
25:46within just four minutes.
25:51Look, if someone came along, right, and they smell of chocolate...
25:54Yeah.
25:55..but they were really boring...
25:57That's bullshit.
25:58That's bullshit.
25:59That's bullshit.
26:00That's bullshit.
26:01You're my best friend.
26:02Tell it to the scientists at Cornell University in New York,
26:04because they say that women chose friends based on smell
26:06really boring, I'd get rid.
26:09LAUGHTER
26:10Let's say they smelt of urine but they were a right laugh,
26:13I'd put up with the urine.
26:15LAUGHTER
26:16You don't need four minutes for a smell, right?
26:19No.
26:20You get a bit of personality in four minutes.
26:22If it was like they made their mind up in 11 seconds,
26:24then you'd go, oh, maybe that's the smell.
26:26But, yeah, with respect to the researchers at Cornell,
26:29it's hardly monkeys getting drunk, is it?
26:31No.
26:32LAUGHTER
26:33Tell me, how did the scientists conduct their research?
26:36They didn't do any.
26:37They filled in the form and claimed the money.
26:40LAUGHTER
26:42I've no proof of that.
26:44There was a team of 40 women...
26:46Oh, come on.
26:47..wearing T-shirts for 12 hours to capture their scent.
26:51The women were then asked to judge one another's friend potential
26:56based on the smell of the T-shirts before meeting a person
26:59for what they referred to as a speed-friending chat.
27:03Joe, what do your friends smell like?
27:05Well, my friend Betty smells like a rotting corpse.
27:10LAUGHTER
27:12I hope she watches this.
27:14LAUGHTER
27:15It's just a new person she's been working on.
27:17LAUGHTER
27:18I have to admit that if someone sniffed me for four minutes,
27:21I'm not sure I would want to be friends with them.
27:23But...
27:24That's essentially what Strictly is, isn't it?
27:26LAUGHTER
27:28In other news, what have scientists found the formula for?
27:32Eternal life.
27:34We would probably lead with that, wouldn't we?
27:37LAUGHTER
27:39They're researchers from the University of British Columbia...
27:42Yum.
27:43..and they say what they've cracked is the formula for the perfect day.
27:47Wow.
27:48What do you think they say makes up the perfect day?
27:52Living in British Columbia, getting paid to do fuck all.
27:55LAUGHTER
27:56Move into the Vatican and say, those curtains will have to go.
27:59LAUGHTER
28:01Painting over the Sistine Chapel.
28:03I don't like this.
28:04Yeah.
28:05After analysing data on how people use their time,
28:09they have recommended no more than six hours of work.
28:13Mm-hm.
28:14However, what you should have are at least six hours of family time,
28:18two hours with friends, 90 minutes of extra socialising,
28:22two hours of exercise and one hour of eating.
28:27I'd rather swap eating and family time round.
28:30LAUGHTER
28:32Extra socialising sounds like a euphemism.
28:38LAUGHTER
28:40And I'm...
28:4190 minutes?
28:42You don't have to put 90 minutes.
28:44Would you change ends at half-time?
28:46LAUGHTER
28:51What's your perfect day, then, Ian?
28:53Erm...
28:54Not being sued.
28:55LAUGHTER
28:57APPLAUSE
28:59Well, in other sports news, Leeds United have been promoted
29:04to the Premier League.
29:06Yes.
29:07Would you like to see how Look North covered the excitement?
29:10Totally.
29:11Yeah.
29:12Our sports reporter Sally Hurst is live in Leeds
29:14as celebrations continue this evening.
29:16Everyone's in a pretty good mood there tonight, aren't they, Sally?
29:19LAUGHTER
29:22Yeah.
29:27Time now for the odd one out round.
29:29Just one between the two of you this week.
29:32Mm.
29:33They are Robert Jenrick, piano player Igor Levitt,
29:36Odysseus and 21 Robots in Beijing.
29:40I reckon this is about marathons taking a long time to do something.
29:45Ah!
29:46Yes.
29:47He's a pianist who's doing a recital, playing the same piece
29:50a huge number of times.
29:52Mm-hm.
29:53And then those robots ran in the marathon.
29:56They didn't do very well, though, did they?
29:58They didn't, no.
29:59He's got a bloke holding him back, look.
30:01LAUGHTER
30:03That's not fair, is it?
30:04LAUGHTER
30:05Tell us the story about Odysseus.
30:06Yeah.
30:07Because that would be...
30:08That would be my perfect day.
30:09Yeah.
30:10LAUGHTER
30:11Odysseus took a long time to get home.
30:14He took a long time to get home,
30:15but we only made a statue of him.
30:17Erm...
30:18I've taken a long time to get home before,
30:19no statues of me.
30:20No statues of me.
30:21I mean, think of the cost of marble, but...
30:23Yeah, yeah.
30:24Which is the odd one out?
30:26We think the robot is the odd one out.
30:28Yeah.
30:29Why?
30:30Mm?
30:31No...
30:32No further questions.
30:33Yeah.
30:34Yeah.
30:35You'd better tell us.
30:37You're sort of on the right track.
30:39They've all taken part in feats of endurance,
30:41apart from Robert Jenrick,
30:43who's about to take part in the London Marathon this weekend.
30:46Yes.
30:47Is he?
30:48But he hasn't done it yet.
30:49Not done it yet.
30:50What confusion did he cause?
30:51Wasn't there something about lots of people on a WhatsApp group
30:54or...
30:55I don't know what I'm talking about here, but...
30:56But you're right.
30:57Am I?
30:58Because ahead of the...
30:59Because ahead of the marathon run this weekend,
31:01he suddenly added 600 contacts to a WhatsApp group.
31:05Well, there we are, you see.
31:06Fueling rumours that he was about to launch a conservative coup.
31:10Yeah.
31:11He had intended, he said, to message contact in his phone book
31:14individually, asking them for donations to a charity...
31:17Is that the Conservative Party?
31:20Shall we just remind ourselves of how Robert Jenrick's wife reacted
31:24when he lost the leadership race to...
31:25Oh, yeah.
31:26Oh, yeah.
31:27Oh, yeah.
31:28Yes, please.
31:29Yes, please.
31:30Yes, please.
31:31Yes, please.
31:32Yes, please.
31:33Yes, please.
31:34Yes, please.
31:45What feat of endurance is superstar pianist Igor Levitt performing
31:51in London at this very moment?
31:54He's playing... It's a work by Eric Satie and he's playing it a lot of times.
32:00It's called Vexations and it consists of a simple phrase,
32:04perhaps just one or two minutes long, but which the composer instructed
32:08should be repeated 840 times in a row.
32:14He's been playing since 11 o'clock this morning.
32:16Anyone want to send a few words of encouragement to him before we go on?
32:20Encore, I want to say.
32:24Well, Levitt isn't apparently going to leave the stage at any time
32:28during the performance. How do you think this has been made possible?
32:32They've built the piano, like, around him, like this,
32:36so he can play one-handed for a bit.
32:42Very good idea, but what they've actually done is he's got a seat
32:45that can be turned into a bed, there's a screen that goes around him
32:49and the piano in case he does need to go to the toilet.
32:52Piano stool, as they call it.
32:58Thousands of runners competed in a half-marathon
33:01against 21 robots in Beijing this week,
33:04making this the very first time that man has jogged against a machine.
33:09Here's how the robot's got on.
33:21Is that Michael Gove?
33:23Joe, apparently you once trained to run in a marathon, didn't you?
33:37But you were taken ill the day before.
33:38Yeah, thank God.
33:39No, I know I'm not like you.
33:42I can't even lift my leg above my other foot.
33:48Really.
33:49I admire you doing strictly.
33:52Did they give you any drugs to help your...
33:54LAUGHTER
33:57Odysseus was the star of Homer's hit poem, The Odyssey.
34:01Yes.
34:02Describing his ten-year journey home after the Trojan War.
34:06Ten years it took him.
34:07Ten years.
34:08Ten years of the war, ten years to get home.
34:10Do you know what?
34:11I bet a lot of that was he was just...
34:13There's no way it took him ten years.
34:14Replacement bus service.
34:15Yeah.
34:17Who is playing Odysseus in the current film version of his journey home?
34:21Ralph Fiennes.
34:22Mm.
34:23Very good it is too.
34:24Yeah.
34:25And he has buffed up.
34:28So, he's got this amazing torso.
34:32LAUGHTER
34:34I mean, you've just got to see it.
34:36LAUGHTER
34:37Well, we can, because here he is.
34:39But the thing is, he has got competition.
34:42Just look at this.
34:44LAUGHTER
34:46I'm not going to say anything, because I can't imagine that's the only picture you've got.
34:53No, we've got another one.
34:54Yeah, here we go.
34:55LAUGHTER
34:57Why does it look nothing like me?
34:59LAUGHTER
35:00It looks like Ed Balls.
35:01Yeah.
35:02Well, we've all taken part in feats of endurance, apart from Robert Jenrick,
35:07who is taking on the London Marathon this weekend.
35:10Robert Jenrick has famously lost a lot of weight prior to the marathon.
35:15In fact, if he runs really fast, he could set an Ozempic record.
35:20LAUGHTER
35:2121 Robots recently took part in a half-marathon in Beijing.
35:26The fastest robot completing the course in two hours and 40 minutes
35:30was called Tiangong Ultra, though he was later disqualified
35:34after testing positive for WD-40.
35:36LAUGHTER
35:38It's time now for the Missing Words Round,
35:40which this week features as its guest publication,
35:43Chinchilla Connection.
35:45Oh!
35:46We're going to start with...
35:47If you're going to exhibit your chinchilla at a show,
35:50don't forget...
35:51The chinchilla.
35:52What?
35:53LAUGHTER
35:54The answer is to dust it beforehand.
35:56Dust it?
35:57Dust it?
35:58Dust it, yeah.
35:59But whatever you do, don't hoover it.
36:01LAUGHTER
36:03Just going to dust the old chinchilla?
36:05Yeah.
36:06LAUGHTER
36:07Might take 90 minutes.
36:10LAUGHTER
36:12Next.
36:13Scientists claim you can what if you fire laser pulses into your eyes?
36:18See a new colour.
36:19You're right, you can't see a new colour.
36:21Yeah, I bet it's red.
36:22LAUGHTER
36:23It's a mixture of sort of green and blue, I think, isn't it?
36:25Well, scientists in California have discovered a never-before-seen colour,
36:29which you can fully appreciate by having your retina stimulated by lasers.
36:34Yeah.
36:35Here is the brand-new colour.
36:37LAUGHTER
36:38Oh, that's so unusual.
36:40LAUGHTER
36:41That's a new colour, is it?
36:42Yeah, it's a new colour.
36:43Yeah.
36:44Well, I'd paint the Sistine Chapel.
36:46LAUGHTER
36:47It'd be good to have lasers, like firing lasers in the Sistine Chapel as well.
36:51That would be good.
36:52That would be a good first day.
36:53I'd make a note.
36:55LAUGHTER
36:56It would screw up the painting on the ceiling, though, wouldn't it?
36:58Mm.
36:59I'm not having a go at Michelangelo, I'm sure he was perfectly good in his day.
37:02LAUGHTER
37:03Wouldn't cut it now, would he, Richard?
37:05It's hardly dog-splaying poker, is it?
37:07No.
37:08LAUGHTER
37:09Next.
37:10It's risky to turn your back on a chinchilla because...
37:13It'll rip your lungs out.
37:15LAUGHTER
37:16Because of the risk of identity theft.
37:18LAUGHTER
37:20My name?
37:23Richard Osman.
37:24LAUGHTER
37:25They're notoriously bitchy.
37:28LAUGHTER
37:29The actual answer is, it'll be breeding within seconds.
37:32Oh.
37:33But on its own.
37:35LAUGHTER
37:36Next.
37:37Curry House in Manchester surprises customers by what?
37:42Serving chinchilla biryani.
37:44LAUGHTER
37:45Curry House in Manchester surprises customers by moving to Liverpool.
37:48No.
37:49The answer is, by serving up cream egg samosas.
37:54LAUGHTER
37:55But you didn't go, er, when it was a chinchilla biryani.
37:58LAUGHTER
37:59And the Burnley Express reported,
38:01just 200 will be available over the bank holiday weekend,
38:05on a first-come, first-served basis.
38:08So there's still 199 left.
38:10LAUGHTER
38:11So here is the creation, it's dubbed the cremosa.
38:14Why isn't it called the semeg?
38:16LAUGHTER
38:17LAUGHTER
38:18Next.
38:19The day when you and your chinchilla can, what, might not be far away?
38:22Legally make love.
38:23In the greater London area.
38:24Can have a full conversation.
38:25Talk to each other.
38:26There you go.
38:27According to chinchilla connection, scientists could soon be able
38:29to understand animal language.
38:30Yeah, they could.
38:31Yeah.
38:32The ability to communicate with animals has implications beyond the lab
38:34and could even challenge long-held beliefs about animal cognition,
38:38said a chinchilla.
38:39LAUGHTER
38:40Next.
38:41New perfume will make you smell like what?
38:42A new friend.
38:43LAUGHTER
38:44A chinchilla?
38:45Midnight in Dockland.
38:46Dockland.
38:47Dockland.
38:48No.
38:49No.
38:50No.
38:51No.
38:52No.
38:53No.
38:54No.
38:55No.
38:56No.
38:57No.
38:58No.
38:59No.
39:00No.
39:01No.
39:02No.
39:03No.
39:04No.
39:05No.
39:06No.
39:07No.
39:08No.
39:09No.
39:10No.
39:11The Tau Hamlets.
39:12Almost.
39:13Coronation Street.
39:14This is soon to be released as part of a range of toiletries that are
39:31based on Coronation Street.
39:33Absolutely perfect for anyone who wants to smell like Rita's Cabin.
39:36Finally, choir singer surprised by what during service?
39:39No. The answer is a dive-bombing squirrel.
39:45That is good. Now, keep your eye on the top right-hand corner.
39:59The squirrel's potentially fatal fall... Potentially?
40:03He'll have to do a Lazarus to get up from that.
40:07Was he all right? Was he all right?
40:11He just buried his nuts. Up through his neck.
40:17So, the final scores are...
40:21Ian and Joe have three, while Paul and Richard somehow have four.
40:26Thank you to our panellists. Ian, here's the last one.
40:31And I leave you with news that on his first visit to a tattoo parlour,
40:35one man tries to tell the shop employee there is no W in anchor.
40:41In Windsor, there's evidence that being king has gone to Charles's head,
40:45as he refuses to walk to a tree-planting ceremony.
40:49And in Florida, as the Rolling Stones embark on a new world tour,
40:51Mick Jagger is keen to show that he's still got it,
40:53as he runs through his repertoire of moves.
40:55And in Florida, as the Rolling Stones embark on a new world tour,
40:57Mick Jagger is keen to show that he's still got it,
40:59as he runs through his repertoire of moves.
41:17Good night.
41:19Good night.
41:47I'm surprised we won this week. I thought we'd lose.
41:59OK. I'm not infallible.
42:01LAUGHTER
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43:40
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