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  • 5/11/2025
Have I Got a Bit More News for You S69 E06
Transcript
00:30Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm David Tennant. In the news this week, in Sydney, following the Australian Labour Party's surprise victory, the Culture Minister allows herself a small celebration.
00:50Dyson admits that their latest batch of hand dryers might need the power notching down a bit.
01:04LAUGHTER
01:08That actually looks like the TARDIS.
01:14Yeah.
01:16It flies more smoothly.
01:20And in Leatherhead, hidden camera footage reveals to MI5 how the network of Bulgarian spies were exchanging secret information.
01:30LAUGHTER
01:44On Ian's team tonight is a broadcaster who admits that she is always ten minutes late for everything.
01:49So please welcome the host of Channel 4's news at ten past seven, Cathy Ewan.
01:55APPLAUSE
01:57On Paul's team tonight, a comedian and actor who recently appeared in a film with George Clooney. Acting opposite a global sex symbol was challenging.
02:07But in the end, Clooney managed to gabble out his language.
02:10So we begin with the bigger news stories of the week. Paul and Miles. Here's yours.
02:22Yes.
02:23Oh, obviously Donald Trump and Keir Starmer. We're the first country that they've agreed to deal with.
02:28There's probably Keir Starmer and Donald Trump talking via the telephonic communications.
02:32And you've robbed the quiz element there.
02:35White smoke new pope I believe might be the story on that one.
02:39So, yes, we've got a trade deal.
02:41And there is a new pope, which I was extremely surprised that it wasn't me.
02:45Because I'd been led to believe that it would be me.
02:47I've had the costume fitting and everything.
02:50But apparently there's somebody else.
02:53Yes, indeed.
02:54It's the news that the long-awaited UK-US trade deal was rather gazumped by the election of a new pope.
03:00Yes.
03:01I mean, Starmer didn't seem to be aware that it was happening until about five minutes later.
03:04Yeah, but he doesn't know he lost the election.
03:07LAUGHTER
03:09And also, when Trump was pressing that button in the Oval Office,
03:12wasn't he just ordering a Coke, after all?
03:14Well, the other worst buttons he could be pressing.
03:16LAUGHTER
03:18So, I think, yes, Starmer sort of said that he got called watching Arsenal's football team,
03:22North London, while watching a game that they were playing.
03:25I'm indebted to you.
03:26Thank you, Your Honour.
03:27And so, yes, he got a call while he was watching the match, which he wasn't happy with.
03:30But, you know, it's very good that he didn't get a call the night before,
03:32because I happened to know he was at a romantic dinner with his wife,
03:35and I know because I was there too.
03:37Oh, really?
03:38Why?
03:39Really?
03:40That is romantic.
03:41How romantic was it?
03:42Yeah, yeah.
03:43Well, I was having a dinner with a contact,
03:45and in walked Keir and his wife Victoria.
03:48And I was like, oh, this is interesting.
03:50Let them get on with it for a bit and then wandered over and had a chat.
03:53That's the form, is it?
03:54They've made some sort of signal to say to the waiter,
03:57could you invite the other couple over now?
03:59We've had quite enough of the eating bit.
04:00Oh, I don't know.
04:03What about the lady from the news?
04:05He feels like her.
04:06Yeah.
04:07I mean, as soon as his security team ordered the main course,
04:09I was like, right, come on, let's get at it then.
04:11So...
04:12You really are a proper journalist.
04:16No wonder he had a smile on his face.
04:18I thought he had something to do with the trade agreement.
04:21Your mind is too filthy to be pope.
04:23That's the problem with you.
04:28It's true though, isn't it?
04:29I think you should look into the history of the popes.
04:37Anyway, I've got the scoop.
04:38Anyway, the scoop is that it was their 18th wedding anniversary,
04:41which is China, not the country, you know.
04:44And a gift of a mug was exchanged.
04:47Was that the public?
04:50No.
04:51Who was your contact?
04:52All I can tell you is that I got better stories than the mug story
04:55out of that dinner.
04:59Very good spontaneous noise by members of the audience.
05:02Very good.
05:03You've just got to switch over to Channel 4 in a few days' time.
05:08You've done it again?
05:09Yeah.
05:10Have you met in the car park beforehand,
05:12agreed to make these noises?
05:15Very good, isn't it?
05:16Can I just say there are other channels available?
05:19And other noises available for a mass audience.
05:22But, you know, Channel 4 doesn't misname the pope,
05:25because the BBC said it was a fast food chain that had become pope.
05:29Leon.
05:31Is that what the BBC said?
05:32Initially, and then they had to correct it.
05:34It was Burger King in the end, wasn't it?
05:36LAUGHTER
05:40Well, Trump has described this deal...
05:42Yeah.
05:43Oh, thanks for bringing this back to the news.
05:44Yes.
05:45That is what we're here for.
05:46That's what we're here for.
05:47Trump has described it as full and comprehensive,
05:49and includes third-party fire and theft,
05:51but only if you've got locks and all your downstairs window.
05:54What's the deal going to achieve?
05:56Do we know any of the details?
05:57Boy, it will change everything.
05:59Will it?
06:00Yeah, probably.
06:01Yeah.
06:02Has the price of DVDs gone up?
06:03Yeah.
06:05Is that it?
06:06Yeah.
06:07Through the roof.
06:08Will this affect book tokens?
06:11There's still a 10% baseline tariff, though.
06:14On everything?
06:15Yeah.
06:1625% tariff from steel is gone.
06:17Yes, but then it was only imposed fairly recently.
06:20Sure.
06:21So we've got a better deal than we had last time Trump said anything.
06:24Right.
06:25But Keir Starmer said the way to look at it is that,
06:28are things better today than they were yesterday?
06:30And he said they are.
06:31Yeah, but not better than they were a couple of weeks ago.
06:33Yeah, but that's...
06:34But I want to know, is it going to be better tomorrow?
06:37Because, I mean, we could be...
06:38You know, there could be nuclear war tomorrow.
06:40Oh, well, you're fun.
06:44Now all we need is a deal with our biggest trading partner,
06:46which is the EU.
06:48We had that, didn't we?
06:49A few years ago.
06:50Oh, don't bring up Brexit.
06:52Don't, yeah.
06:53But it's about yesterday, of course, isn't it, Cathy?
06:56Not sort of what happened in 2016.
06:58This is...
06:59I mean, you're doing the country down, essentially,
07:01whilst talking to secret sources in restaurants,
07:03watching other people's dates.
07:04Do you know what?
07:05People exchanging crockery.
07:08Yeah.
07:09He should actually be Prime Minister with that kind of patter,
07:12shouldn't he?
07:13I mean, you know, Ukraine elected a comic Prime Minister, yeah.
07:15Is it very difficult?
07:16I imagine it is quite...
07:17Do you get...
07:18Just read out loud what they give you,
07:19or do you have to sort of make stuff up as your Prime Minister?
07:21LAUGHTER
07:22The bit when they walk out in the lectern and they read out loud...
07:24Yeah.
07:25I think I could do that bit.
07:26You could do that, yeah.
07:27But that bit when people ask you specific questions,
07:29I think that's not...not really on.
07:31LAUGHTER
07:33Canada's new Prime Minister, Mark Carney,
07:35also met with Donald Trump this week.
07:37What was Trump banging on about there?
07:39They had a bit of a bromance in the Oval Office,
07:41which was a bit of a surprise.
07:42Yeah?
07:43You know, Trump basically said he wanted to take over Canada.
07:45Some journalist asked Trump what concessions do you want from Canada
07:48and he answered friendship.
07:50LAUGHTER
07:52He sees friendship as a concession.
07:54LAUGHTER
07:55But I think Mark Carney sort of played him very well.
07:57They now know, having watched Zielinski sort of like fall into a trap,
08:00it was, you know, just flatter him.
08:02Yeah.
08:03I talk about real estate.
08:04Trump loves to talk about real estate.
08:05Yeah.
08:06He did something called grey rocking, apparently.
08:07Grey rocking?
08:08Yeah.
08:09Apparently it's how to deal with narcissists.
08:11Yes, according to the journal Medical News Today,
08:13it's a technique for dealing with abusive or manipulative people
08:16by becoming as uninteresting and unengaged as possible
08:20so that they lose interest.
08:22LAUGHTER
08:23Shall we see him doing it?
08:25This is grey rocking in action.
08:26Yeah.
08:27It's hard to justify subsidising Canada
08:30to the tune of maybe $200 billion a year.
08:34We protect Canada militarily, and we always will,
08:37but why are we subsidising Canada $200 billion a year,
08:41or whatever the number might be?
08:43It's a very substantial number.
08:45And it's hard for the American taxpayer to say,
08:48gee whiz, we love doing that.
08:50LAUGHTER
08:54In other news, Donald Trump has also claimed
08:56he's going to bring something back.
08:58What's he going to...?
08:59Alcatraz.
09:00Alcatraz.
09:01Yeah.
09:02Alcatraz, that's right.
09:03And somebody worked out that on the local TV station
09:05where he was there that night, Palm Springs or whatever,
09:07the guy in the film escaped from Alcatraz.
09:09So he sees something on television and says,
09:11yeah, we should bring that back.
09:12LAUGHTER
09:13Yes.
09:14Let's hope he's not watching any World War II documentaries.
09:16LAUGHTER
09:18Yes, Donald Trump called for the reopening of Alcatraz Prison
09:21for vicious, repeat criminal offenders,
09:24the dregs of society who will never contribute anything
09:27other than misery and suffering.
09:29In you go, Donald.
09:31Close the door behind you.
09:32APPLAUSE
09:38But it was still only Tuesday.
09:40Right.
09:41So Donald decided to make another announcement
09:44to do with the British film industry.
09:46Yeah, oh, he's going to tariff on films not made in America.
09:49Yeah, 100% tariffs on films made outside the US.
09:52It's very difficult to say this is a completely an American film
09:55or this is a...
09:56Because films can be made in all different countries.
09:58All different countries coming together.
10:00Mm.
10:01Location filming, you could be going, you know,
10:02filming in Norway or something.
10:03You make it sound as though you're dealing with someone
10:05who would understand that.
10:06LAUGHTER
10:07I am looking straight at you.
10:09LAUGHTER
10:12Yes, this could have very serious impact on the British film industry.
10:15For instance, the long-awaited new James Bond film
10:17may now not be made in the UK
10:20but will instead not be made in the US.
10:23LAUGHTER
10:25But I hope the James Bond franchise isn't affected
10:27because you were really looking forward to taking that on,
10:29weren't you, Miles?
10:30Yeah.
10:31Yeah, I think...
10:32I mean, I haven't started the training yet but...
10:34LAUGHTER
10:35I've read a couple of books about spying and...
10:37God, it's dangerous.
10:38LAUGHTER
10:40Oh, you wear a suit.
10:41A lot of it's done by gadgets, apparently.
10:43There's green screen.
10:44And now I'm...
10:45No, look, I shouldn't really be talking about it
10:47but I am...
10:48I am really looking forward to it.
10:49LAUGHTER
10:50APPLAUSE
10:52Well...
10:53APPLAUSE
10:54As are we.
10:57LAUGHTER
10:58It'd be a different Bond, wouldn't it?
10:59Would you mind awfully if I, um...
11:01shocked you?
11:02LAUGHTER
11:03I'd be the sort of James Bond that suggests
11:04a lot of this could be done remotely, I think.
11:06LAUGHTER
11:08Why is May the 4th significant in the film world?
11:11Star Wars?
11:12Yes, indeed.
11:13May the 4th be with you.
11:15May the 4th be with you.
11:16To mark that day, Donald Trump posted this AI-generated image
11:20on the official White House X account.
11:23LAUGHTER
11:27What did Star Wars enthusiasts pick up that's specific about that?
11:31Oh, there'll be some mistake, won't there?
11:32He's got a particular type of lightsaber.
11:34That's it.
11:35Which is made from steel and has a tariff of...
11:38LAUGHTER
11:40Well, it's also that it's red.
11:42Yeah, not blue.
11:43And only the Sith, that's the baddies, have red lightsabers.
11:46So is that a mistake or is he trying to tell us?
11:48LAUGHTER
11:49I don't know.
11:50Someone in his press office hates him.
11:52Not the only one.
11:53LAUGHTER
11:55And, of course, Star Wars, another film franchise made in the UK.
11:58Yes, indeed.
11:59Which is why when Harrison Ford broke his leg on the set
12:01of Star Wars The Force Awakens, the case ended up in Milton
12:05Keane's magistrate's court.
12:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
12:11And, er, we've obviously got a few judges in for Milton Keane.
12:16LAUGHTER
12:19Many exteriors in Hollywood movies are filmed in Britain.
12:22According to the I newspaper, in Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy,
12:25the dark streets of Gotham were actually the dark streets of Croydon.
12:29LAUGHTER
12:31What else has been posted on the White House's official Instagram page?
12:37He also made himself Pope, didn't he?
12:39Well, yes.
12:40Let's take a look of him as the Pope.
12:42There he is.
12:44He'll be the Archbishop of Canterbury next, won't he?
12:47Maybe not big enough for him.
12:48He doesn't want to be shouted at by Ian at parties.
12:50LAUGHTER
12:52Yes, it was quite a week for the Catholic Church as they got a new Pope.
12:59And a new Antichrist.
13:01LAUGHTER
13:03APPLAUSE
13:05I was just looking at that picture of Donald Trump as the Pope,
13:10and the fact that somebody would reduce themselves to try and extract comedy
13:14out of being the new Pope, I think it's very sad.
13:17LAUGHTER
13:20Rather desperate, actually.
13:22LAUGHTER
13:23But it is an American.
13:25So there must have been a second when the news came through
13:27when Donald thought, it is me.
13:29LAUGHTER
13:31Robert Prevost has become...
13:33Oh, right.
13:34He's American, is he?
13:35Yeah.
13:36First one ever, and he's become Pope Leo XIV.
13:39He was quite emotional, wasn't he?
13:41The new Pope.
13:42Yes. What did he say?
13:43I mean, you would have been if it had been you.
13:44Yeah, certainly.
13:45LAUGHTER
13:46There's no point in me talking about it now.
13:47It sounds like sour grapes.
13:49LAUGHTER
13:50Now this yank's got it.
13:52LAUGHTER
13:54I just want to say, I've always believed in Jesus.
13:57LAUGHTER
13:58And then finally, which other high-end fashion event
14:03took place in the US this week?
14:05Oh, this was the Met thing?
14:07Yeah, the Met.
14:08The Met Gala.
14:09Yes.
14:10The guy turned up with a piano on his back.
14:11That's right.
14:12Here he is, Andre 3000.
14:14There he is.
14:23Why?
14:24Played a bit of Offenbach.
14:25LAUGHTER
14:27Nobody's seriously thinking we're all going to be wearing pianos
14:30this time next year.
14:31The theme was superfine, tailoring black style.
14:34Here's actor Damsin Idris.
14:36They already did it good!
14:38Let's do it.
14:39LAUGHTER
14:41One, two, stand out!
14:44CHEERING
14:45Bit bucks fizz, isn't it?
14:46LAUGHTER
14:48So, yes, this is the UK's trade deal with the US.
14:53Hopes had been growing for weeks of a possible trade deal
14:55between the US and the UK.
14:57Although, on Wednesday, Donald Trump tweeted that it was with
15:00a highly respected country.
15:02Which threw us all off the scent a little bit.
15:04LAUGHTER
15:05The UK ambassador to Washington, Lord Peter Mandelson,
15:08was in the White House for the announcement of the deal,
15:10leading to a touching reunion with Donald Trump.
15:13They hadn't seen each other since that party on Epstein's Island.
15:17LAUGHTER
15:19We'll visit you in Alcatraz.
15:24According to the Independent, the new trade deal with India is expected
15:36to make entry into the UK easier for Indian chefs and yogis.
15:40Which is great news, unless you're carrying a delicious picnic basket.
15:44LAUGHTER
15:47Are you auditioning for something?
15:52It was like he was in the room, wasn't it?
15:55It was, yeah, it was.
15:56Ian and Cathy, here's your story of the week.
16:00Um...
16:01Local elections.
16:02Local elections, bin collection.
16:03There's Farage, who's won, and then Kevin Baton, who didn't win.
16:09Exactly.
16:10And that's Keir Starmer.
16:11The Royal Air Force has downgraded over the years, isn't it?
16:14LAUGHTER
16:15This is presumably the elections.
16:17The local elections, the mayoral elections, the by-election.
16:21Mm. Indeed.
16:22It was an earthquake.
16:23I mean, according to reform, life will never be the same again.
16:27Mm.
16:28Well, it's the end of the Conservatives, they say.
16:30Yeah.
16:31But it's the end of the two-party system.
16:32It's the start of a new era.
16:34It's Nigageddon.
16:35LAUGHTER
16:37Or something.
16:38When was the moment that Nigel Farage realised he was on to something big?
16:42Well, he was on his way to Durham, wasn't he?
16:43Which is pretty big, being, you know, winning in Durham, which is Labour
16:47Heartland.
16:48Well, apparently he noticed that as he walked down Ormskirk High Street,
16:52there were far fewer abusive shouts than there used to be.
16:55LAUGHTER
16:57Come on, Ormskirk, pull your finger out.
17:02LAUGHTER
17:03Here's the fun question.
17:04Who was once MP for Ormskirk and Nigel's predecessor as boss of UKIP?
17:09Erm...
17:10Oh, God.
17:11He used to be on the telly a fair bit.
17:13Robert Kilroy Silt.
17:14There you go, yes.
17:15Oh, yes!
17:16Let's remind ourselves of some of his best work.
17:18Their fate will be in each other's hands as they decide whether to share
17:23or to shaft.
17:25LAUGHTER
17:31Can I say, it just goes to show that orange right-wingers are nothing new.
17:35LAUGHTER
17:39Not the only reform supporter with a career in television,
17:42would you like to see presenter Steve Miller at work?
17:45Yes, please.
17:46Yeah.
17:47Here he is with a sensitive take on the health crisis.
17:49This is from Skye's Fat Families.
17:51I'm in Telford Shropshire and I'm about to meet one of the fattest families
17:55I've met in my life.
17:56I'm here in the Peak District and about to meet two right
17:59massive fatty siblings at the peak of their porkiness.
18:03I'm going to be meeting some right beach blubber bellies.
18:07I'm in Luton Bedfordshire and about to meet three right jelly-bellied
18:11jumbos.
18:12It's Mr and Mrs Massive Fatty.
18:14LAUGHTER
18:16That is an unfortunate name though, isn't it?
18:18LAUGHTER
18:20I mean...
18:22APPLAUSE
18:24How did Kemi Bednock respond to the results?
18:27She said it was a bloodbath.
18:29Yes, she said, I apologise for the bloodbath.
18:32There's not an awful lot else you can do about a bloodbath, is there?
18:35LAUGHTER
18:36Well, you could clean up after yourself.
18:38Yeah.
18:39And what was Keir Starmer's reaction to the results?
18:41Are you surprisingly unbothered, given that they did nearly as bad,
18:45not quite as bad as the Conservatives, though?
18:47He's got a long time until the next election.
18:49He's got a large majority.
18:50Yeah.
18:51He's got a new mug.
18:52LAUGHTER
18:53I mean, what a...
18:54Yeah.
18:55What a wink!
18:56Yeah.
18:57He said, I get it, we need to go further.
18:59Whereas a lot of his MPs, members of the Cabinet, were saying,
19:01why don't you scrap the cut on winter fuel allowance?
19:04Mm.
19:05And he said, because that would be a good idea...
19:07No, he didn't say that.
19:08LAUGHTER
19:09There was one Labour campaigner suggested to the Guardian
19:11it was more a protest vote against Labour than a positive vote for reform.
19:15What evidence did she use for this, do you know?
19:17That is what politicians always say.
19:18It was just a protest vote.
19:19Well, it was actually spoilt ballot papers.
19:21She told the Guardian, I've never seen so many drawings of penises.
19:23LAUGHTER
19:24That is what politicians always say.
19:25It's just a protest vote.
19:26Well, it was actually spoilt ballot papers.
19:27She told the Guardian, I've never seen so many drawings of penises.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:35You've never seen the Bayou Tapestry, have you?
19:37LAUGHTER
19:39Andrea Jenkins, who's now Mayor of Lincolnshire for reform,
19:42she's the queen of graphic gestures, isn't she?
19:44You're right.
19:45Can you remind us what she did?
19:47LAUGHTER
19:48In fact, there's a sort of cycle of rude gestures.
19:50One involving a finger and one involving a tongue.
19:52Sometimes together.
19:53Wow.
19:54Does she do this over dinner?
19:57LAUGHTER
19:58We must have some footage of it.
20:04I mean, not on these colours.
20:07LAUGHTER
20:08They'll find it, they'll find it.
20:10Let's take a look.
20:11They can add it in later.
20:13LAUGHTER
20:15And we can hop in along by pretending we're seeing it.
20:20Oh, look, there she goes.
20:21There she goes.
20:22There she goes.
20:23There we go.
20:24There we go.
20:25We've got that.
20:26Have a look.
20:27Oh, that's good.
20:28There she is.
20:29I'm going to come first.
20:32Somebody's pissed up that wall behind her.
20:34LAUGHTER
20:36And I'm looking at the man in the brown shorts behind her.
20:41LAUGHTER
20:42Excuse me.
20:44LAUGHTER
20:45There have already been quite a few war on woke statements of intent from reform,
20:51but they tend to be hitting the brick wall of reality.
20:54The mayor of Lincolnshire, Andrea Jenkins, pledged to fire all diversity,
20:58equality and inclusion officers.
21:00Yes.
21:01But there aren't actually any in Lincolnshire County Council.
21:04LAUGHTER
21:05So there's nobody to fire.
21:06Just proves how quickly she works.
21:08LAUGHTER
21:10But the Conservatives were hoping to fight their own war on woke.
21:15They've been talking about the banter ban.
21:19What's all that about, then?
21:21LAUGHTER
21:24That's the...
21:26The man of a thousand voices!
21:28Jody Bear, Cockneys, Donald Trump.
21:31That's about the employment bill, isn't it?
21:33Exactly.
21:34Suppose you run a pub, Miles.
21:36I think we can all picture it.
21:37Yes.
21:38LAUGHTER
21:39Ah, my host!
21:40Oh.
21:41The usual Ian.
21:42Yes.
21:43A can of red stripe under the counter, served after 11.20.
21:46LAUGHTER
21:51So, yeah, anyway, this pub I run...
21:53Yeah, you run a pub, yeah.
21:54And say one of your bar staff overhears a joke or a bit of bance...
21:57Yeah.
21:58..that they don't like, they can take legal action against you
22:00for not protecting them from harmful material.
22:02There's actually no speaking at all allowed in my pub.
22:05LAUGHTER
22:06Quiet reflection.
22:07Yeah, it's kind of mindful.
22:09There's a gong bath on Thursdays.
22:11LAUGHTER
22:12It's probably the really rowdy night, yeah.
22:14Otherwise, it's people just sort of silently thinking
22:16about where it's all gone wrong.
22:17LAUGHTER
22:18It's not so different from a Wetherspoon in an afternoon.
22:21LAUGHTER
22:22At the 80th VE Day celebrations on Monday,
22:27Keir Starmer had the chance to exchange some interesting views
22:30with a very attentive Queen Camilla.
22:33Did you see this?
22:34Yes.
22:35LAUGHTER
22:36LAUGHTER
22:37That's very unusual, cos usually she's very attentive
22:42and also tells quite a few, you know, quite tasty jokes.
22:45Does she tell them over dinner?
22:47LAUGHTER
22:48APPLAUSE
22:50What better combination of people to discuss the VE commemorations
22:52than Rylan and Emma Willis?
22:54LAUGHTER
22:55They were hoping to rope in some of the survivors of World War Two
22:57to their cosy chit-chat.
22:58Let's have a look what happened.
22:59Thank you all...
23:00Good morning, everyone.
23:01So much...
23:02Morning.
23:03..for being with us today.
23:04It's an honour...
23:05It is.
23:06..to be sat with you and to hear your stories.
23:07Thank you!
23:08Thank you!
23:09Thank you!
23:10Shall we start with you then, Gladys?
23:11Well, I don't care.
23:12LAUGHTER
23:13Oh, no!
23:14That is the proper spirit, though.
23:15Yeah.
23:16And then they added in the magical ingredient of Giles Brandreth.
23:18Just keep your eyes on Rylan.
23:19It is so much so much for being with us today.
23:20It's an honour...
23:21It is.
23:22..to be sat with you and to hear your stories.
23:23Thank you!
23:24Thank you!
23:25Thank you!
23:26Thank you!
23:27Thank you!
23:28Shall we start with you then, Gladys?
23:29Oh, I don't care.
23:30LAUGHTER
23:31APPLAUSE
23:32Oh, no!
23:33That is the proper spirit, though.
23:35Yeah.
23:36LAUGHTER
23:38And then they added in the magical ingredient of Giles Brandreth.
23:41Just keep your eyes on Rylan.
23:42It is called...
23:44..barebacking.
23:45LAUGHTER
23:46So, you know, like, horse riding,
23:49where you ride bareback.
23:51So this is called barebacking for Gen Z,
23:55where they travel without anything.
23:58I began doing this a few years ago
24:00and I was called a raw dog.
24:01LAUGHTER
24:02I said, well, I meant a raw dog.
24:03You're moving right from the raw.
24:05LAUGHTER
24:06APPLAUSE
24:07And then, finally, what is Tony Blair doing here?
24:11Look what I found in my pocket!
24:14LAUGHTER
24:15Is he working for them as a lobbyist?
24:17We're at a climate conference together.
24:18A climate conference?
24:19Yeah, obviously.
24:20Obviously.
24:21Right.
24:22And Tony was saying, don't worry about it,
24:23it's happening slowly.
24:24Yeah.
24:25That's not a very good impression.
24:26LAUGHTER
24:27I'm not against the master.
24:28I know, he has raised the bar.
24:29He has raised the bar.
24:30I would have said, hi, guys, um, don't go so fast on the net.
24:34LAUGHTER
24:35I love Danny DeVito.
24:36He's good.
24:37APPLAUSE
24:38This is the local election results which have, according to experts,
24:52brought Nigel Farage one step closer to number ten.
24:56Keir Starmer, talking at the VE Day commemoration event,
24:59said that we owe the veterans a debt that can never be fully repaid.
25:04You could start by giving them back their winter fuel allowance.
25:06LAUGHTER
25:08APPLAUSE
25:10Following their wipe-out of the local elections,
25:12one Conservative MP commented,
25:14The good ship, Tory, sometimes feels like the Titanic.
25:17To be fair, the Titanic had more survivors.
25:20LAUGHTER
25:22After a good night for his party,
25:24Ed Davey announced that the Lib Dems were on their
25:27best-ever winning streak.
25:29Oh, now Ed Davey's got the worst streak in his head.
25:32LAUGHTER
25:33A big swing to the Lib Dems.
25:35LAUGHTER
25:36Time now for the odd-one-out round.
25:41Ian and Cathy, your four are...
25:43Oh, yeah.
25:49This child, he imitates seagulls.
25:51Yes.
25:52Well done. That's Cooper Wallace, yeah.
25:53Cooper Wallace, which is a slightly old thing to do.
25:56BUZZER
25:57BUZZER
25:58BUZZER
25:59BUZZER
26:00BUZZER
26:01He's better there, isn't he?
26:02APPLAUSE
26:10I have no idea what to say now.
26:12The only thing we know about him is he won competitions for doing
26:16seagulls and his family were involved.
26:18That's right, yes.
26:19Lee Child, the novelist, his books are now written by his son.
26:23His brother.
26:24His brother.
26:25Yep, there you go.
26:26And Rupert Murdoch, he tried to hand on the succession to Shiv
26:31and, um, Roman and...
26:34LAUGHTER
26:36But they...
26:37They didn't want it.
26:38Um...
26:39This...
26:40This man's from Turkmenistan.
26:41Yeah.
26:42And I think he's the son of the man who used to run Turkmenistan.
26:44He is the man who used to run...
26:45Oh, he is the man who used to run it.
26:46Yeah, yeah, yeah.
26:47And he's done...
26:48Has he given it to his son?
26:49Yes.
26:50They're all passing their jobs on to members of their family,
26:55apart from...
26:56The seagull boy.
26:57Who is keeping it.
26:59Well done!
27:00Yeah!
27:01Fair answer!
27:02APPLAUSE
27:03We just finished my sentence.
27:04Unbelievable.
27:05They've all made plans to pass on the family mantle,
27:09apart from Cooper Wallace, who retained his title
27:12at the European Gull Screeching Championships,
27:14beating stiff competition from his sister.
27:17Yeah, I want to hear that.
27:18I might learn something.
27:19Let's have a look.
27:20It's a tough sibling competition.
27:40It's like the Miliband brothers, isn't it?
27:42How do the judges select a winner, do you imagine?
27:46I imagine it's the person who does it best.
27:48Yeah.
27:49LAUGHTER
27:51Or am I missing an obvious ingredient?
27:54It's the one that also manages to fly out the window.
27:57Yeah.
27:58So what advice does Cooper have for anyone who's trying
28:01to fend off a seagull that wants to steal their chips?
28:04You can grey rock them, can't you?
28:06You kick your chips and you just very slowly do that.
28:10Cooper's advice is to make eye contact and screech back.
28:15According to the Metro, the contest asks participants to mimic
28:19the call and actions of a seagull.
28:21The screeching bit is easy, the real challenge is taking a dump
28:24on an ice cream from 30 feet up.
28:26LAUGHTER
28:28Rupert Murdoch wants his eldest son to have the only say in the running
28:35of his media empire.
28:37Why is Lachlan his father's chosen successor?
28:40Because in the court case, his father said he reflected the values
28:44of the Murdoch establishment the most.
28:46He would protect Fox News's right-wing stance, whereas the other children,
28:51James, Elizabeth and Prudence, may prove more liberal, jeopardising
28:54the jobs of a large number of broadcasting nutjobs.
28:57LAUGHTER
28:59Turkmenistan's former president, Gurbun Guliberdi Mohamedov,
29:03gave up power to his son.
29:05What legacy did he leave his country? Does anyone know?
29:08Oh, dog breeding. There's a special dog.
29:11Oh, I don't know about that one.
29:13LAUGHTER
29:15What's so special about it, though?
29:17It's half man. Half man?
29:19Which half, though?
29:21I want to go for a walk.
29:23LAUGHTER
29:26He performed DJ sets for his people,
29:30and he gave a weightlifting display to his cabinet.
29:33Look at this.
29:35APPLAUSE
29:37There's no...
29:43There's no...
29:44There's no...
29:45Don't tell him that!
29:47LAUGHTER
29:49Lee Child passed on his Jack Reacher...
29:51His younger brother.
29:52His younger brother, that's right.
29:54Where did the inspiration for the name Reacher come from?
29:57Bizarrely, the name came about because he was in a supermarket
30:00and he's quite a tall man, and there was a shorter woman there
30:04who said, can you get that packet of cereal up there?
30:07And as he was reaching for it, his wife said to him,
30:09you know, you could always get a job as a Reacher in a supermarket,
30:12and he thought, that's a great name.
30:14That's right, yeah.
30:15It was an Asda in Kendall.
30:17Yes.
30:18Which has commemorated the character with a green plaque.
30:20Look!
30:21LAUGHTER
30:23It looks like his birth name was Asda Kendall.
30:26Yes.
30:27LAUGHTER
30:29Nowadays, it would be Jack Shoplifter.
30:32LAUGHTER
30:33Or Brian, clean up an aisle four.
30:38LAUGHTER
30:39Did anyone see what was going on in Cosby Library recently?
30:44I couldn't take my eyes away.
30:46No, no idea what's been happening in Cosby Library.
30:48Well, they've been filming a video of their latest book acquisitions
30:51for social media.
30:52Yeah.
30:53Let's look at this.
30:54Let's do this!
30:56Let's do this!
31:02Let's do this!
31:07LAUGHTER
31:08And let's see the finished result.
31:10LAUGHTER
31:12LAUGHTER
31:21LAUGHTER
31:23If we hadn't seen the first bit, we would wonder what was going on.
31:28LAUGHTER
31:30That's very sweet.
31:32The Jack Reacher novels have been turned into films
31:35with Tom Cruise in the title role.
31:37Lee Child says the surname Reacher came to him in a supermarket
31:40when he was reaching up to get a can off a high shelf
31:43for a little old lady.
31:45Something he also occasionally had to do for Tom Cruise.
31:48LAUGHTER
31:50Paul and Miles, you're for our Ed Davey.
31:52Yes.
31:53Vladimir Putin.
31:54Ooh.
31:55Tom Archer from the Archers and Pliny the Elder.
31:58Now, this might be just a coincidence, but the surname Archer,
32:01is that relevant to the final...?
32:03Because, I mean, Putin's doing the two-fingered thing,
32:05which is something the English archers did at the Battle of Agincourt, I think.
32:08It's got nothing to do with the Battle of Agincourt.
32:10LAUGHTER
32:11I thought on a topical news quiz it was unlikely.
32:13LAUGHTER
32:14We've got Pliny the Elder there and he's the only one
32:16with a dead conguile on his head.
32:18LAUGHTER
32:20Tom Archer's wearing a gilet.
32:22Yes.
32:23I'd be amazed if Ed Davey doesn't own a gilet.
32:25Yeah.
32:26I'm going to give you a clue.
32:27It's about a popular trendy drink.
32:29Oh, erm, Jagerbombs.
32:31LAUGHTER
32:33They're all absolutely daft for the Jagerbombs.
32:36Yeah.
32:37Apart from Ed Davey, cos he still likes Aftershock.
32:40LAUGHTER
32:42I'd have to dig that one out.
32:44LAUGHTER
32:45Think about good for your guts.
32:47Oh, docket.
32:48Yeasty, filtered, kefir.
32:50There we go.
32:51Specifically kefir, yeah.
32:53Yeah.
32:54So who's the odd one out then?
32:55Oh, Pliny the Elder.
32:56Why is it Pliny the Elder?
32:57Because obviously, just look at him.
32:59LAUGHTER
33:00He's not about as diverse a microbiome as the other three.
33:03That's exactly right.
33:04LAUGHTER
33:06I can't make the word for word off.
33:08They're all fans of fermented milk,
33:10apart from Pliny the Elder.
33:12Fermented milk!
33:13Yeah.
33:14LAUGHTER
33:15Pliny the Elder was a fan of fermented cabbage.
33:18Is that what Kimchi is?
33:19Kimchi, no.
33:20He's the leader of North Korea.
33:22LAUGHTER
33:25Pliny wrote a 37-book magnum opus...
33:28Yeah, Natural History.
33:29There you go.
33:30Which contains a chapter called...
33:32The Cabbage, 87 Remedies.
33:34LAUGHTER
33:35Which reveals how, when boiled and mixed with salt,
33:37cabbage can relieve gripings in the stomach,
33:40making him one of the earliest writers on record
33:43to advocate sauerkraut.
33:45The father of a large movement.
33:47LAUGHTER
33:49LAUGHTER
33:53That is fucking high-end.
33:55LAUGHTER
34:00Do you know any of the other 86 ways
34:02that Pliny recommended using cabbage?
34:04No, no!
34:05LAUGHTER
34:06This is surprising answer.
34:08He recorded that injecting warm cabbage juice
34:10into your ear could cure deafness.
34:12Or cause it.
34:13LAUGHTER
34:15And washing your children in the warm urine
34:17of someone on a cabbage diet
34:20would make them grow big and strong.
34:23And when they're teenagers, they'll beat the shit out of you
34:25for making them die with somebody else's piss.
34:28LAUGHTER
34:30Pliny the Elder did indeed die in the eruption of Mount Vesuvius
34:33in 79 AD.
34:34Even cabbage couldn't save him.
34:37Yeah.
34:38No.
34:39It was the second worst eruption in his lifetime.
34:41The first...
34:42LAUGHTER
34:43Absolutely loved his eruption.
34:45LAUGHTER
34:47What happened when Ed Davey drank fermented milk every day
34:50for seven weeks?
34:51He grew udders.
34:52LAUGHTER
34:55He lost two stones.
34:56He lost two stones.
34:57Yeah.
34:58He saw the benefits after going on a diet
34:59that consisted largely of kefir and kimchi.
35:02Yes.
35:03All beginning with a K.
35:04Kombucha.
35:05Does it have quite a violent effect on the body?
35:07I remember I didn't really know what it was.
35:08I ordered someone in a cafe and when I ordered it,
35:10they went, oh, you know, that's a health drink.
35:12And I went, well, I'm sure it's fine.
35:13And then someone came back over with the thing and said,
35:15did one of you order the kombucha?
35:17And I said, I ordered it.
35:18They went, you knew that's a health drink.
35:19And then when they bought it, they said, are you the kombucha?
35:22I said, yeah.
35:23And they went, you do know it's a health drink.
35:24And I said...
35:25I got the impression, I started with panic.
35:26I thought, this is going to clean me out within seconds or something.
35:28They gave me so many warnings.
35:30You know, it's like moving other tables back, that sort of thing.
35:33People appear in the periphery of my vision with mops and things.
35:36LAUGHTER
35:38Selling the business.
35:40I'm definitely coming to your pub.
35:43LAUGHTER
35:45We'll all go.
35:46We'll all go.
35:47We're all like to the usual.
35:49LAUGHTER
35:50What happened when Radio 4's Tom Archer
35:52brought Kefir to the village of Ambridge?
35:54Any Archer's followers?
35:55There was Umbridge.
35:56LAUGHTER
35:58It's true, they didn't much like it.
36:00Tom Archer, described by the Guardian as a former sausage czar...
36:04LAUGHTER
36:08Once went to Brazil to research bacteria and came back to Borsetshire to launch his own kefir business
36:15Here's how that went down. I know you Tom. You won't stop until it's all about kimchi and kefir
36:21No, what do you want it for Tom? Well, to let people try different varieties of kefir. Please, Tom
36:28Can you stop going on about kefir?
36:32How do we know that Vladimir Putin likes fermented milk? He's talked about it in interviews. That's absolutely true. What other answer could there be?
36:43There was a new documentary celebrating Putin's 25 years in power and it showed us a glimpse inside his Moscow apartment where he shared a glass of kefir with a journalist. Here he is
36:54It's all Russian, right? Well, of course. And what else? Thank you
37:05It's Polonium
37:08You said you'd really like to interview Putin. Yeah, I still would. Well, I've been banned from Russia now. How does it? Did it arrive at a letter?
37:14Do you get they just did a list of journalists who were banned? Who else has been banned then? Rylan?
37:25Here's an average day out in Siberia
37:27There is no plausible explanation of what's going on there. It's the fermented cabbage. He's just trying to work it through. They're all fans of fermented milk, apart from Pliny the Elder, who was a fan of fermented cabbage.
37:52Vladimir Putin has given a journalist a rare tour of his Kremlin apartment. A flat. Let's just say I'd be surprised if the family upstairs let the kids learn a musical instrument.
38:05Showing off his fridge, Vladimir Putin revealed he was a big fan of fermented milk. It's just normal milk that he's looked at.
38:11Right, time for the missing words round, which this week features as its guest publication, Your Curler, the official magazine of Scottish curling. Thanks to their tireless efforts over the years, the magazine has raised national interest in curling to negligible.
38:30We start with, Cafe in Dorset surprises customers by what? Proving to be a gateway to Hades.
38:42Relaunching E. coli.
38:45Cafe in Dorset surprises customers by employing a robot waitress called Bella. Here is Bella, the robot with her two human co-workers.
38:53Bella can respond to a number of situations. For example, she can say, wow, your hands are really warm when she is touched. Something she learned from Gino De Campo.
39:08Next, every issue of Your Curler features a fun game called what?
39:13Curl or Die.
39:16That's the name of the hairdressers, isn't it?
39:19Spot the national curling championship, if you will.
39:24Ian was almost right, because it's Guess the Curler.
39:28Ah, you see?
39:29Shall we play? Let's have a look.
39:32Yes, yes, yes, yes.
39:39Yes, Paul?
39:40Eamon Jenkins.
39:41Not quite.
39:44It is, of course, Hammy Macmillan, Jr.
39:48The quiz doesn't stop there.
39:49The next question, of course, is, who is Hammy Macmillan, Jr.?
39:54Next, woman from Wigan wins prize for what in just nine and a half minutes?
40:00Introducing the concept of emotions to her husband.
40:06It's putting together flat pack furniture.
40:08It was an Ikea Billy bookcase.
40:11It was not a Billy bookcase.
40:13Was it the medicine cabinet?
40:15It was not the medicine cabinet.
40:16Because you can't do that in nine and a half minutes.
40:18LAUGHTER
40:20Well, this is Hayley Macaulay, who won the flat pack world championships by building a bedside table in nine and a half minutes.
40:27Here she is with her trophy.
40:30LAUGHTER
40:32Yeah.
40:34According to one source, nine competitors battled it out for the title in front of an assembled crowd.
40:40LAUGHTER
40:41Next, cricket club in Nutsford, proud owner of world's biggest what?
40:47Bat.
40:48Wicket.
40:49Getting very close.
40:50Accounting discrepancy on the bar.
40:51Shit!
40:53LAUGHTER
40:54Stumps!
40:55There you go!
40:57World's biggest stumps.
40:59That's very good.
41:01Here are the world record-breaking 28-foot stumps.
41:05I know people who couldn't hit them.
41:07The 28-foot sculpture will soon be burned to create a pile of ashes, would you believe?
41:12Although there is a danger the plume of smoke will be so massive, if seen from the Vatican, Mike Gatting will accidentally be elected Pope.
41:20LAUGHTER
41:22Next, what registers as 1.74 on the Richter scale?
41:27Liverpool fan celebration.
41:28He's absolutely right.
41:29Liverpool Premier League win, there you go.
41:32Tremor in Liverpool was so powerful that at the other end of the country it was briefly jolting Arsenal fans awake.
41:38LAUGHTER
41:39What do you think Arsenal's chances are of winning the Champions League?
41:42Um, well, they're up against a real Magnifico.
41:46LAUGHTER
41:48One of the great superheroes of our time.
41:51I think they're going to cruise it, myself.
41:53Yeah, they've been knocked out.
41:55LAUGHTER
42:01I do love this banter.
42:04What's that all about, then?
42:05LAUGHTER
42:10That's fantastic.
42:12Dick Van Dyke.
42:14But that brings us to the final scores.
42:17Paul and Miles have four, Ian and Cathy have six!
42:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:20We just have time for the caption competition.
42:28So, ladies, here we are.
42:32LAUGHTER
42:34Ladies, I was thinking maybe sushi?
42:38LAUGHTER
42:40My friends call me Jacob Rees-Mogg.
42:42LAUGHTER
42:44APPLAUSE
42:48Pretty good one.
42:49On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Cathy Newman,
42:53Paul Merton and Miles Jupp.
42:55And I leave you with news that at Tate Modern, a new sculpture is revealed inspired by how voters feel about Labour's first year in government.
43:01LAUGHTER
43:06After leaving his glasses at home, an embarrassed King Charles has to apologise for his mistake when posting a letter.
43:17And in Whitby, excitement gave way to disappointment after a sighting of the UK's biggest cockle turned out to be a false alarm.
43:24LAUGHTER
43:26APPLAUSE
43:28APPLAUSE
43:30Good night.
43:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:55LAUGHTER
43:56APPLAUSE
44:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE