- 11/05/2025
David Tennant is the host, with guest panellists actor and comedian Miles Jupp and journalist Cathy Newman joining team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop as they delve into the news.
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00:30Good evening.
00:38Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:41I'm David Tennant.
00:42In the news this week, in Sydney,
00:44following the Australian Labour Party's surprise victory,
00:47the Culture Minister allows herself a small celebration.
00:50Dyson admits that their latest batch of hand dryers
01:02might need the power notching down a bit.
01:04LAUGHTER
01:05That actually looks like the TARDIS.
01:15Yeah.
01:16It flies more smoothly.
01:22And in Leatherhead, hidden camera footage reveals to MI5
01:27how the network of Bulgarian spies were exchanging secret information.
01:32LAUGHTER
01:34On Ian's team tonight is a broadcaster
01:47who admits that she is always ten minutes late for everything.
01:50So please welcome the host of Channel 4's News at 10 past seven,
01:53Cathy Newman.
01:54On Paul's team tonight, a comedian and actor
02:02who recently appeared in a film with George Clooney.
02:05Acting opposite a global sex symbol was challenging,
02:08but in the end, Clooney managed to gabble out his language.
02:11Please welcome Miles Jupp.
02:13CHEERING
02:14So we begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:21Paul and Miles, here's yours.
02:23Yes.
02:23Oh, obviously Donald Trump and Keir Starmer.
02:26We're the first country that we've agreed to deal with.
02:29There's probably Keir Starmer and Donald Trump
02:31talking via the telephonic communications.
02:34And you've robbed the quiz element there.
02:36White smoke, new pope.
02:37I believe might be the story on that one.
02:40So yes, we've got a trade deal and there is a new pope,
02:43which I was extremely surprised that it wasn't me,
02:45because I'd been led to believe that it would be me.
02:49I've had the costume fit in and everything.
02:51But apparently it's somebody else.
02:54Yes, indeed.
02:54It's the news that the long-awaited UK-US trade deal
02:58was rather gazumped by the election of a new pope.
03:01Yes.
03:01I mean, Starmer didn't seem to be aware
03:03that it was happening until about five minutes before it came.
03:06Yeah, but he doesn't know he lost the election.
03:08LAUGHTER
03:09And also, when Trump was pressing that button
03:12in the Oval Office,
03:13wasn't he just ordering a Coke, after all?
03:15Well, the other worst buttons, he could be pressing.
03:18LAUGHTER
03:18So I think, yes, Starmer sort of said
03:20that he got called watching Arsenal's football team,
03:23North London,
03:24while watching a game that they were playing.
03:26I'm indebted to you.
03:27Thank you, Your Honour.
03:28LAUGHTER
03:28And so, yeah, he got a call while he was watching the match,
03:31which he wasn't happy with.
03:31But, you know, it's very good
03:32that he didn't get a call the night before,
03:34because I happen to know he was at a romantic dinner with his wife,
03:37and I know because I was there too.
03:38Oh, really?
03:39Why?
03:39No, it is romantic.
03:41How romantic was it?
03:42Yeah, yeah.
03:43Well, I was having a dinner with a contact,
03:46and in walked Keir and his wife, Victoria.
03:49And I was like, oh, this is interesting.
03:51Let them get on with it for a bit,
03:52and then wandered over and had a chat.
03:54That's the form, is it?
03:55They've made some sort of signal,
03:57to say to the waiter,
03:58could you invite the other couple over now?
03:59We've had quite enough of the eating bit.
04:01LAUGHTER
04:02And I was like, oh, what about the lady from the news?
04:05I mean, as soon as his security team ordered the main course,
04:10I was like, right, come on, let's get at it, then.
04:12So, er...
04:13LAUGHTER
04:14You really are a proper journalist.
04:16Well, no wonder he had a smile on his face.
04:19I thought he had something to do with the trade agreement.
04:21LAUGHTER
04:22Your mind is too filthy to be Pope.
04:24That's the problem with you.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:27It's true, though, isn't it?
04:30I think you should look into the history of the Popes.
04:31Anyway, I got the scoop.
04:39Anyway, the scoop is that it was their 18th wedding anniversary,
04:42which is China, not the country, you know.
04:44Yes.
04:45And a gift of a mug was exchanged.
04:47Was that the public?
04:49LAUGHTER
04:50No.
04:51Who was your contact?
04:53All I can tell you is that I got better stories than the mug story
04:56out of that dinner.
04:58LAUGHTER
04:59Very good spontaneous noise by members of the audience, then.
05:03LAUGHTER
05:03Very good.
05:04You've just got to switch over to Channel 4 in a few days' time.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:08You've done it again!
05:10Yeah.
05:11Have you met in the car park beforehand, agreed to make these noises?
05:14LAUGHTER
05:15Very good, isn't it?
05:17Can I just say there are other channels available?
05:19LAUGHTER
05:20And other noises available for a mass audience.
05:22LAUGHTER
05:23But, you know, Channel 4 doesn't misname the Pope,
05:26because the BBC said it was a fast-food chain that had become Pope.
05:30Leon.
05:31Is that what the BBC said?
05:33Initially, and then they had to correct it.
05:35It was Burger King in the end, wasn't it?
05:36LAUGHTER
05:37LAUGHTER
05:38Well, Trump has described this deal...
05:42Yeah.
05:43Oh, thanks for bringing this back to the news.
05:45Yes.
05:46That is what we're here for.
05:47That's what we're here for.
05:47Trump has described it as full and comprehensive,
05:50and includes third-party fire and theft,
05:52but only if you've got locks and all your downstairs window.
05:54LAUGHTER
05:55What's the deal going to achieve?
05:57Do we know any of the details?
05:58Boy, it'll change everything.
05:59Will it?
06:00Yes, probably.
06:01Yeah.
06:01Has the price of DVDs gone up?
06:04Yeah.
06:04LAUGHTER
06:05Is that it?
06:06Yeah.
06:06Through the roof.
06:08Will this affect book tokens?
06:10LAUGHTER
06:12There's still a 10% baseline tariff, though.
06:14On everything?
06:15Yeah.
06:1625% tariff from steel is gone.
06:17Yes, but then it was only imposed fairly recently.
06:20Sure.
06:21So we've got a better deal than we had last time Trump said anything.
06:25Right.
06:26But Keir Starmer said the way to look at it is that,
06:28are things better today than they were yesterday?
06:31And he said they are.
06:32Yeah, but not better than they were a couple of weeks ago.
06:34Yeah, but that's...
06:35LAUGHTER
06:36But I want to know, is it going to be better tomorrow?
06:37Because, I mean, we could be...
06:39You know, there could be nuclear war tomorrow.
06:41Hmm, you're fun.
06:42LAUGHTER
06:44Now all we need is a deal with our biggest trading partner,
06:47which is the EU.
06:49We had that, didn't we, a few years ago.
06:51Oh, don't bring up Brexit.
06:53LAUGHTER
06:54But it's about yesterday, of course, isn't it, Cathy?
06:56Not sort of what happened in 2016.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:59I mean, you're doing the country down, essentially,
07:01whilst talking to secret sources in restaurants,
07:03watching other people's dates.
07:04Do you know what?
07:05LAUGHTER
07:07People exchanging crockery.
07:08Yeah.
07:09LAUGHTER
07:10He should actually be Prime Minister with that kind of patter,
07:13shouldn't he?
07:14I mean, Ukraine elected a comic Prime Minister, yeah.
07:16Is it very difficult?
07:17I imagine it is quite...
07:18Do you have to just read out loud what they give you,
07:19or do you have to sort of make stuff up if you're Prime Minister?
07:21LAUGHTER
07:22The bit when they walk out in the lectern and they read out loud...
07:24Yeah.
07:25I think I could do that.
07:26You could do that, yes.
07:27But that bit when people ask you specific questions,
07:29I think that's not...not really on.
07:31LAUGHTER
07:33Canada's new Prime Minister, Mark Carney,
07:35also met with Donald Trump this week.
07:37What was Trump banging on about there?
07:39They had a bit of a bromance in the Oval Office,
07:41which was a bit of a surprise, wasn't it?
07:43But, you know, Trump basically said he wanted to take over Canada.
07:45Some journalist asked Trump what concessions do you want from Canada
07:49and he answered friendship.
07:50LAUGHTER
07:52He sees friendship as a concession.
07:54LAUGHTER
07:56But I think Mark Carney sort of played him very well.
07:58They now know, having watched Zelensky sort of, like,
08:00fall into a trap, it was, you know, just flatter him.
08:03Yeah.
08:04Talk about real estate, Trump loves to talk about real estate.
08:05Yeah.
08:06He did something called grey rocking, apparently.
08:08Grey rocking?
08:09Apparently it's how to deal with narcissists.
08:11Yes, according to the journal Medical News Today,
08:14it's a technique for dealing with abusive or manipulative people
08:17by becoming as uninteresting and unengaged as possible
08:21so that they lose interest.
08:22LAUGHTER
08:24Shall we see him doing it?
08:26This is grey rocking in action.
08:27It's hard to justify subsidising Canada
08:31to the tune of maybe $200 billion a year.
08:35We protect Canada, militarily, and we always will,
08:38but why are we subsidising Canada $200 billion a year,
08:42or whatever the number might be?
08:43It's a very substantial number.
08:45And it's hard for the American taxpayer to say,
08:48gee whiz, we love doing that.
08:50LAUGHTER
08:54In other news, Donald Trump has also claimed
08:56he's going to bring something back.
08:58What's he going to...?
08:59Oh, sexy. Alcatraz.
09:00Alcatraz. Yeah.
09:01Alcatraz, that's right.
09:02Somebody worked out that on the local TV station
09:05where he was there that night, Palm Springs or whatever,
09:07was showing the film Escape from Alcatraz.
09:09So he sees something on television and says,
09:11yeah, we should bring that back.
09:13LAUGHTER
09:14Yes.
09:15Let's hope he's not watching any World War II documentaries.
09:17LAUGHTER
09:19Yes, Donald Trump called for the reopening of Alcatraz Prison
09:22for vicious, repeat criminal offenders,
09:25the dregs of society who will never contribute anything
09:28other than misery and suffering.
09:31In you go, Donald.
09:32Close the door behind you.
09:33LAUGHTER
09:38But it was still only Tuesday.
09:40Right.
09:41LAUGHTER
09:42Wow.
09:43So Donald decided to make another announcement
09:45to do with the British film industry.
09:46Yes.
09:47Yeah, oh, he's going to tariff on films not made in America.
09:49Yeah, 100% tariffs on films made outside the US.
09:52It's very difficult to say, this is a completely American film
09:55or this is a...
09:56Because films can be made in all different countries coming together.
09:59With location filming, you could be going, you know,
10:01filming in Norway or something, you know?
10:03You make it sound as though you're dealing with someone
10:04who would understand that.
10:06LAUGHTER
10:07I am looking straight at you.
10:09LAUGHTER
10:12Yes, this could have very serious impact on the British film
10:14industry.
10:15For instance, the long-awaited new James Bond film may now not be
10:18made in the UK but will instead not be made in the US.
10:22LAUGHTER
10:25But I hope the James Bond franchise isn't affected,
10:27because you were really looking forward to taking that on,
10:29weren't you, Miles?
10:30Yeah.
10:31Yeah, I think I've...
10:32I mean, I haven't started the training yet, but...
10:34LAUGHTER
10:35I've read a couple of books about spying and...
10:37God, it's dangerous.
10:38LAUGHTER
10:39Oh, you wear a suit, a lot of it's done by gadgets, apparently,
10:42there's green screen.
10:43And, erm...
10:44No, I'm...
10:45No, look, I shouldn't really be talking about it,
10:47but I am...
10:48I am really looking forward to it.
10:49LAUGHTER
10:51APPLAUSE
10:52Well...
10:53APPLAUSE
10:55As are we, let's...
10:57LAUGHTER
10:58It'd be a different Bond, wouldn't it?
11:00Would you mind awfully if I, erm...
11:02..shot you?
11:03LAUGHTER
11:04I'd be the sort of James Bond that suggests a lot of this
11:06could be done remotely, I think.
11:07LAUGHTER
11:09Why is May the 4th significant in the film world?
11:12Oh, Star Wars?
11:13Yes, indeed.
11:14May the 4th be with you.
11:15May the 4th be with you.
11:16To mark that day, Donald Trump posted this AI-generated image
11:20on the official White House X account.
11:23LAUGHTER
11:27What did Star Wars enthusiasts pick up that's specific about that?
11:31Oh, there'll be some mistake, won't there?
11:32He's got a particular type of lightsaber.
11:34That's it.
11:35Which is made from steel and has a tariff of over...
11:38LAUGHTER
11:40Well, it's also that it's red.
11:42Yeah, not blue.
11:43And only the Sith, that's the baddies, have red lightsabers.
11:46So is that a mistake or is he trying to tell us?
11:48LAUGHTER
11:49I don't know.
11:50Someone in his press office hates him.
11:52Not the only one.
11:53LAUGHTER
11:54And, of course, Star Wars, another film franchise made in the UK.
11:58Yes, indeed.
11:59Which is why when Harrison Ford broke his leg on the set
12:01of Star Wars The Force Awakens, the case ended up
12:04in Milton Keynes Magistrates Court.
12:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
12:10And we've obviously got a few judges in from Milton Keynes.
12:16LAUGHTER
12:18Many exteriors in Hollywood movies are filmed in Britain.
12:21According to the I newspaper, in Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy,
12:24the dark streets of Gotham were actually the dark streets of Croydon.
12:31LAUGHTER
12:33What else has been posted on the White House's official Instagram page?
12:37He also made himself Pope, didn't he?
12:39Well, yes.
12:40Let's take a look of him as the Pope.
12:42Here he is.
12:44He'll be the Archbishop of Canterbury next, won't he?
12:47Maybe not big enough for him.
12:49He doesn't want to be shouted at by Ian at parties.
12:51LAUGHTER
12:55Yes, it was quite a week for the Catholic Church
12:57as they got a new Pope.
12:59And a new Antichrist.
13:01LAUGHTER
13:10I was just looking at that picture of Donald Trump as the Pope
13:12and the fact that somebody would reduce themselves
13:14to try and extract comedy out of being the new Pope,
13:16I think he's very sad.
13:17LAUGHTER
13:20Rather desperate, actually.
13:22LAUGHTER
13:23But it is an American.
13:25So there must have been a second when the news came through
13:27when Donald thought, it is me.
13:29LAUGHTER
13:31Robert Prevost has become...
13:33Oh, right. He's American, is he?
13:35Yeah.
13:36First one ever and he's become Pope Leo XIV.
13:39He was quite emotional, wasn't he, the new Pope?
13:42Yes, what did he say?
13:43I mean, you would have been if it had been you.
13:44Yeah, certainly.
13:45LAUGHTER
13:46There's no point in me talking about it now.
13:47It sounds like sour grapes.
13:49LAUGHTER
13:50Now this yank's got it.
13:52LAUGHTER
13:53I just want to say, I've always believed in Jesus.
13:57LAUGHTER
13:58And then finally, which other high-end fashion event
14:03took place in the US this week?
14:05Oh, this was the Met thing?
14:07Yeah, the Met.
14:08The Met Gala.
14:09Yes.
14:10The guy who turned up with a piano on his back.
14:11That's right.
14:12Here he is, Andre 3000.
14:14Jumping back, there he is.
14:22Why?
14:23Played a bit of Offenbach.
14:24LAUGHTER
14:26Nobody's seriously thinking we're all going to be wearing pianos
14:29this time next year.
14:31The theme was superfine, tailoring black style.
14:34Here's actor Damson Idris.
14:36They already did it good!
14:37Let's do it.
14:38LAUGHTER
14:39One, two, stand out!
14:43Bit bucks fizz, isn't it?
14:46LAUGHTER
14:51So, yes, this is the UK's trade deal with the US.
14:53Hopes have been growing for weeks of a possible trade deal
14:56between the US and the UK.
14:57Although on Wednesday, Donald Trump tweeted that it was with
15:00a highly respected country.
15:02Which threw us all off the scent a little bit.
15:04LAUGHTER
15:05The UK ambassador to Washington, Lord Peter Mandelson,
15:08was in the White House for the announcement of the deal,
15:11leading to a touching reunion with Donald Trump.
15:14They hadn't seen each other since that party on Epstein's Island.
15:17LAUGHTER
15:23We'll visit you in Alcatraz.
15:25LAUGHTER
15:31According to The Independent, the new trade deal with India
15:34is expected to make entry into the UK easier for Indian chefs
15:38and yogis.
15:40Which is great news, unless you're carrying a delicious picnic
15:43biscuit!
15:44LAUGHTER
15:50Are you auditioning for something?
15:52LAUGHTER
15:53Like he was in the room, wasn't he?
15:55It was, yeah, it was.
15:56Ian and Cathy, here's your story of the week.
16:00Um...
16:01Local elections.
16:02Local elections, bin collection.
16:03There's Farage, um, who's won, and then...
16:07Kimmy Bateman, who didn't win.
16:09Exactly.
16:10And that's Keir Starmer.
16:11The Royal Air Force has downgraded over the years, isn't it?
16:13LAUGHTER
16:15This is presumably the elections.
16:16Yeah.
16:17The local elections, the mayoral elections, the by-election.
16:20Mm. Indeed.
16:21It was an earthquake.
16:22I mean, according to reform, life will never be the same again.
16:26Mm.
16:27Well, it's the end of the Conservatives, they say.
16:29Yeah.
16:30But it's the end of the two-party system.
16:31It's the start of a new era.
16:33It's Nigageddon.
16:34LAUGHTER
16:35Or something.
16:36When was the moment that Nigel Farage realised he was on to something big?
16:41Well, he was on his way to Durham, wasn't he, which is pretty big,
16:44being, you know, winning in Durham, which is Labour Heartland.
16:47Yep.
16:48Well, apparently he noticed that as he walked down Ormskirk High Street,
16:51there were far fewer abusive shouts than there used to be.
16:55LAUGHTER
17:00Come on, Ormskirk, pull your finger out.
17:02LAUGHTER
17:03Here's the fun question, who was once MP for Ormskirk
17:06and Nigel's predecessor as boss of UKIP?
17:09Erm...
17:10Oh, God.
17:11He used to be on the telly a fair bit.
17:13Robert Kilroy-Silk.
17:14There you go, yes.
17:15Oh, yes!
17:16Let's remind ourselves of some of his best work.
17:18Their fate will be in each other's hands as they decide
17:22whether to share or to shaft.
17:25LAUGHTER
17:31Can I say, it just goes to show that orange right-wingers
17:34are nothing new.
17:35LAUGHTER
17:38Not the only reform supporter with a career in television,
17:42would you like to see presenter Steve Miller at work?
17:45Yes, please.
17:46Here he is with a sensitive take on the health crisis.
17:49This is from Skye's Fat Families.
17:51I'm in Telford, Shropshire, and I'm about to meet
17:53one of the fattest families I've met in my life.
17:56I'm here in the Peak District and about to meet
17:58two right massive fatty siblings at the peak of their porkiness.
18:03I'm going to be meeting some right beach blubber bellies.
18:07I'm in Luton, Bedfordshire and about to meet
18:09three right jelly-bellied jumbos.
18:11It's Mr and Mrs massive fatty.
18:14LAUGHTER
18:16That is an unfortunate name though, isn't it?
18:18LAUGHTER
18:20I mean...
18:21APPLAUSE
18:24How did Kemi Bednock respond to the results?
18:27She said it was a bloodbath.
18:29Yes, she said, I apologise for the bloodbath.
18:32There's not an awful lot else you can do about a bloodbath, is there?
18:35LAUGHTER
18:36Well, you could clean up after yourself.
18:38Yeah.
18:39And what was Keir Starmer's reaction to the results?
18:41Are you surprisingly unbothered, given that they did nearly as bad,
18:45not quite as bad as the Conservatives, though?
18:47Well, he's got a long time until the next election.
18:49He's got a large majority.
18:51Yeah.
18:52He's got a new mug.
18:53LAUGHTER
18:55I mean, what a...
18:56What a wink!
18:57Yeah.
18:58He said, I get it, we need to go further.
19:01Whereas a lot of his MPs, members of the Cabinet, were saying,
19:03why don't you scrap the cut on winter fuel allowance?
19:06Mm.
19:07And he said, because that would be a good idea...
19:09No, he didn't say that.
19:10LAUGHTER
19:11There was one Labour campaigner suggested to The Guardian
19:13it was more a protest vote against Labour than a positive vote for reform.
19:17What evidence did she use for this, do you know?
19:20That is what politicians always say.
19:22It was just a protest vote.
19:24Well, it was actually spoilt ballot papers.
19:26She told The Guardian, I've never seen so many drawings of penises.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:34You've never seen the Bayou Tapestry, have you?
19:36LAUGHTER
19:38Andrea Jenkins, who's now Mayor of Lincolnshire for reform,
19:41she's the queen of graphic gestures, isn't she?
19:44You're right.
19:45Can you remind us what she did?
19:47LAUGHTER
19:48In fact, there's a sort of cycle of rude gestures.
19:50One involving a finger and one involving a tongue.
19:52Sometimes together.
19:53Wow.
19:54Does she do this over dinner?
19:56LAUGHTER
20:04We must have some footage of it.
20:06I mean, not on these cut-ups.
20:08They'll find it, they'll find it.
20:10Let's take a look.
20:11They can add it in later.
20:13LAUGHTER
20:18And we can help it along by pretending we're seeing it.
20:20Oh, look, there she goes.
20:21There she goes.
20:22There she goes.
20:23There we go.
20:24There we are.
20:25We've got that, have a look.
20:26Oh, that's good.
20:27There she is.
20:28I'm going to come first.
20:30LAUGHTER
20:31Somebody's pissed up that wall behind her.
20:34LAUGHTER
20:39And I'm looking at the man in the brown shorts behind her.
20:41LAUGHTER
20:42Excuse me.
20:47There have already been quite a few war on woke statements of intent
20:50from reform, but they tend to be hitting the brick wall of reality.
20:53The mayor of Lincolnshire, Andrea Jenkins, pledged to fire all
20:56diversity, equality and inclusion officers, but there aren't actually
21:01any in Lincolnshire County.
21:03LAUGHTER
21:04So there's nobody to fire.
21:05Just proves how quickly she works.
21:07LAUGHTER
21:08But the Conservatives were hoping to fight their own war on woke.
21:15They've been talking about the banter ban.
21:19What's all that about, then?
21:25That seems...
21:26The man of a thousand voices!
21:28Bobby Bear, Cockneys, Donald Trump...
21:31That's about the employment bill, isn't it?
21:33Exactly.
21:34Suppose you run a pub, Miles.
21:36I think we can all picture it.
21:37Yes.
21:38LAUGHTER
21:39Ah, my host!
21:40Oh.
21:41The usual Ian.
21:42Yes.
21:43A can of red stripe under the counter, served after 11.20.
21:46LAUGHTER
21:51So, yeah, anyway, this pub I run...
21:53Yeah, you run a pub.
21:54And say one of your bar staff overhears a joke or a bit of bance...
21:57Yeah.
21:58..that they don't like, they can take legal action against you
22:00for not protecting them from harmful material.
22:02There's actually no speaking at all allowed in my pub.
22:05LAUGHTER
22:06Quiet reflection.
22:07Yeah, it's...
22:08Yeah, yeah.
22:09It's kind of mindful.
22:10There's a gong bath on Thursdays.
22:11Um...
22:12It's probably the really rowdy night, yeah.
22:14Otherwise, people just sort of silently thinking about
22:16where it's all gone wrong.
22:17LAUGHTER
22:18It's not so different from a Wetherspoons in an afternoon.
22:21LAUGHTER
22:23At the 80th VE Day celebrations on Monday,
22:27Keir Starmer had the chance to exchange some interesting views
22:30with a very attentive Queen Camilla.
22:33Did you see this?
22:34Yes.
22:35LAUGHTER
22:36That's very unusual because usually she's very attentive
22:46and also tells quite a few, you know, quite tasty jokes.
22:49Mm.
22:50Does she tell them over dinner?
22:52LAUGHTER
22:53What better combination of people to discuss the VE commemorations
23:02than Rylan and Emma Willis?
23:04LAUGHTER
23:05They were hoping to rope in some of the survivors of World War II
23:08to their cosy chit-chat.
23:09Let's have a look what happened.
23:10Thank you all...
23:11Good morning, everyone.
23:12..so much...
23:13Morning.
23:14..for being with us today.
23:15It's an honour...
23:16It is.
23:17..to be sat with you and to hear your stories.
23:19Thank you!
23:20Thank you!
23:21Thank you!
23:22Shall we start with you then, Gladys?
23:24Oh, I don't care.
23:25LAUGHTER
23:31Oh, no!
23:32That is the proper spirit.
23:34Yeah.
23:35LAUGHTER
23:37And then they added in the magical ingredient
23:39of Giles Brandreth.
23:40Just keep your eyes on Rylan.
23:42It is called...
23:44..barebacking.
23:45LAUGHTER
23:46So, you know, like, horse riding,
23:49where you ride bareback.
23:51So, this is called barebacking for Gen Z,
23:55where they travel without anything.
23:58I began doing this a few years ago
24:00and I was called a raw dog.
24:02I said, well, I meant a raw dog.
24:03You're living life in the raw.
24:05LAUGHTER
24:06APPLAUSE
24:08And then, finally, what is Tony Blair doing here?
24:12LAUGHTER
24:14Look what I found in my pocket.
24:16LAUGHTER
24:18Is he working for them as a lobbyist?
24:20We're at a climate conference together.
24:22A climate conference?
24:23Yeah, obviously.
24:24Obviously.
24:25Right.
24:26And Tony was saying, don't worry about it,
24:27it's happening slowly.
24:28Yeah.
24:29That's not a very good impression.
24:31LAUGHTER
24:32I'm not against the master.
24:33I know.
24:34He has raised the bar.
24:35He has raised the bar.
24:36I would have said, hi, guys,
24:37um, don't go so fast on the nets.
24:39LAUGHTER
24:40I love Danny DeVito.
24:42Yeah.
24:43APPLAUSE
24:44This is the local election results which have, according to experts,
24:51brought Nigel Farage one step closer to number ten.
24:55Keir Starmer, talking at the VE Day commemoration event,
24:58said that we owe the veterans a debt that can never be fully repaid.
25:03You could start by giving them back their winter fuel allowance.
25:06LAUGHTER
25:09Following their wipe-out of the local elections,
25:12one Conservative MP commented,
25:14The good ship Tory sometimes feels like the Titanic.
25:17To be fair, the Titanic had more survivors.
25:20LAUGHTER
25:22After a good night for his party,
25:24Ed Davey announced that the Lib Dems were on their best ever winning streak.
25:28Oh, now Ed Davey's got the worst streak in his head.
25:32LAUGHTER
25:33A big swing to the Lib Dem.
25:35LAUGHTER
25:39Time now for the odd one out round.
25:41Ian and Cathy, your four are...
25:48Oh, yeah.
25:49This child, he imitates seagulls.
25:51Yes.
25:52Well done. That's Cooper Wallace.
25:53Yeah.
25:54Cooper Wallace, which is a slightly odd thing to do.
25:56BUZZER
25:57BUZZER
25:58BUZZER
25:59BUZZER
26:00He's better now, isn't he?
26:02APPLAUSE
26:03Yay!
26:04APPLAUSE
26:09That was exciting.
26:10I have no idea what to say now.
26:12LAUGHTER
26:13But the only thing we know about him is he won competitions
26:16for doing seagulls and his family were involved.
26:18That's right, yes.
26:19Lee Child, the novelist, has...
26:21His books are now written by his son.
26:23His brother.
26:24His brother.
26:25Yep, there you go.
26:26And Rupert Murdoch, he tried to hand on the succession to Shiv
26:31and Roman and...
26:34LAUGHTER
26:36But they didn't want it.
26:38This man's from Turkmenistan.
26:40Yeah.
26:41And I think he's the son of the man who used to run Turkmenistan.
26:43He is the man who used to run Turkmenistan.
26:44He is the man who used to run...
26:45Oh, he is the man who used to run it.
26:46Yeah, yeah, yeah.
26:47And he's done...
26:48Has he given it to his son?
26:49Yes.
26:50They're all passing their jobs on to members of their family,
26:55apart from...
26:56The seagull boy.
26:57..who is keeping it.
26:58Well done!
26:59Yeah, yeah, yeah!
27:00Well done!
27:01Yeah, yeah, yeah!
27:02APPLAUSE
27:03We just finished my second.
27:04I can't believe you.
27:05They've all made plans to pass on the family mantle,
27:08apart from Cooper Wallace,
27:10who retained his title
27:11at the European Gull Screeching Championships,
27:13beating stiff competition from his sister.
27:16Yeah, I want to hear that.
27:17I might learn something.
27:18Let's have a look.
27:19BUZZER
27:20BUZZER
27:21BUZZER
27:22BUZZER
27:23BUZZER
27:24BUZZER
27:25BUZZER
27:27BUZZER
27:28BUZZER
27:29BUZZER
27:31BUZZER
27:32BUZZER
27:33BUZZER
27:34BUZZER
27:35BUZZER
27:36There you go.
27:37Brilliant.
27:38It's a tough sibling competition.
27:40It's like the Miliband brothers, isn't it?
27:42LAUGHTER
27:43How do the judges select a winner, do you imagine?
27:46I imagine it's the person who does it best.
27:48Yeah.
27:49LAUGHTER
27:51Or am I missing an obvious ingredient?
27:54It's the one that also manages to fly out the window.
27:57LAUGHTER
27:58So what advice does Cooper have for anyone who's trying to fend off
28:01a seagull that wants to steal their chips?
28:03You can grey-rock them, can't you?
28:05LAUGHTER
28:06Sort of kick your chips and you just very slowly do that.
28:10LAUGHTER
28:11Cooper's advice is to make eye contact and screech back.
28:15LAUGHTER
28:16According to the Metro, the contest asks participants to mimic
28:19the call and actions of a seagull.
28:21The screeching bit is easy, the real challenge is taking a dump
28:24on an ice cream from 30 feet up.
28:26LAUGHTER
28:27LAUGHTER
28:32Rupert Murdoch wants his eldest son to have the only say in the
28:35running of his media empire.
28:37Why is Lachlan his father's chosen successor?
28:40Because in the court case, his father said he reflected the values of
28:44the Murdoch establishment the most.
28:46He would protect Fox News's right-wing stance, whereas the other
28:50children, James, Elizabeth and Prudence, may prove more liberal,
28:53jeopardising the jobs of a large number of broadcasting nut jobs.
28:57LAUGHTER
28:59Turkmenistan's former president, Gurban Guliberdi Mohamedov,
29:04gave up power to his son.
29:06What legacy did he leave his country?
29:08Does anyone know?
29:09Oh, dog breeding.
29:10There's a special dog.
29:12Oh, I don't know about that one.
29:14LAUGHTER
29:15What's so special about it, though?
29:17It's half man.
29:18Half man?
29:19Which half, though?
29:21I want to go for a walk.
29:23LAUGHTER
29:26He performed DJ sets for his people.
29:29LAUGHTER
29:30And he gave a weightlifting display to his cabinet.
29:33LAUGHTER
29:34Look at this.
29:35APPLAUSE
29:41It's just disgusting!
29:43There's no... There's no white...
29:45No!
29:46Don't tell him that!
29:47LAUGHTER
29:49His child passed on his Jack Reacher...
29:51His younger brother.
29:52His younger brother, that's right.
29:53Where did the inspiration for the name Reacher come from?
29:57Bizarrely, the name came about because he was in a supermarket
30:00and he's quite a tall man and there was a shorter woman there
30:04who said, can you get that packet of cereal up there?
30:07And as he was reaching for it, his wife said to him, you know,
30:10you could always get a job as a Reacher in a supermarket
30:13and he thought, that's a great name.
30:15That's right, yeah.
30:16It was an Asda in Kendall.
30:17Yes.
30:18Which has commemorated the character with a green plaque.
30:21Look!
30:22LAUGHTER
30:24It looks like his birth name was Asda Kendall.
30:27Yes!
30:28LAUGHTER
30:31Nowadays it would be Jack Shoplifter.
30:33LAUGHTER
30:36Or Brian Cleanup on Aisle Four.
30:39LAUGHTER
30:41Did anyone see what was going on in Cosby Library recently?
30:45I couldn't take my eyes away.
30:46LAUGHTER
30:47No, no idea what's been happening in Cosby Library.
30:49Well, they've been filming a video of their latest book acquisitions
30:51for social media.
30:52Yeah.
30:53Let's look at this.
30:54Let's do this!
30:55Let's do this!
31:04Let's do this!
31:07LAUGHTER
31:08And let's see the finished result!
31:11If we hadn't seen the first bit, we would wonder what was going on.
31:28That's very sweet.
31:33The Jack Reacher novels have been turned into films with Tom Cruise
31:36in the title role. Lee Child says the surname Reacher came to him
31:39in a supermarket when he was reaching up to get a can off a high shelf
31:42for a little old lady, something he also occasionally had to do for Tom Cruise.
31:47LAUGHTER
31:50Paul and Miles, your four are Ed Davey, Vladimir Putin,
31:55Tom Archer from The Archers and Pliny the Elder.
31:59This might be just a coincidence, but the surname Archer, is that relevant
32:02to the final...? Putin's doing the two-fingered thing, which is something
32:06the English archers did at the Battle of Agincourt, I think.
32:09It's got nothing to do with the Battle of Agincourt.
32:11LAUGHTER
32:12I thought on a topical news quiz it was unlikely.
32:14LAUGHTER
32:15We've got Pliny the Elder there and he's the only one
32:17with a dead conguile on his head.
32:19LAUGHTER
32:21Tom Archer's wearing a gilet. Yes.
32:23I'd be amazed if Ed Davey doesn't own a gilet.
32:25LAUGHTER
32:26I'm going to give you a clue.
32:27It's about a popular trendy drink.
32:30Oh, um, Jagerbombs.
32:32LAUGHTER
32:34They're all absolutely daft for the Jagerbombs.
32:36Yeah.
32:37Apart from Ed Davey, cos he still likes Aftershock.
32:40LAUGHTER
32:42I'd have to dig that one out.
32:44LAUGHTER
32:46Think about good for your guts.
32:48Oh, yeasty filter, kefir.
32:50There we go.
32:51Specifically kefir, yeah.
32:53Yeah.
32:54So who's the odd one out then?
32:55Oh, Pliny the Elder.
32:56Why is it Pliny the Elder?
32:57Well, because, obviously, just look at him.
32:59LAUGHTER
33:00He's not as diverse a microbiome as the other three.
33:03That's exactly right.
33:04LAUGHTER
33:06I can't make the word for word off.
33:08LAUGHTER
33:09They're all fans of fermented milk, apart from Pliny the Elder.
33:12Fermented milk!
33:14LAUGHTER
33:16Pliny the Elder was a fan of fermented cabbage.
33:19Is that what Kimchi is?
33:20Kimchi, no.
33:21He's the leader of North Korea.
33:22LAUGHTER
33:24Pliny wrote a 37-book magnum opus...
33:28Yeah, Natural History.
33:30There you go.
33:31Which contains a chapter called The Cabbage, 87 Remedies.
33:35Which reveals how, when boiled and mixed with salt,
33:38cabbage can relieve gripings in the stomach,
33:41making him one of the earliest writers on record
33:44to advocate sauerkraut.
33:46The father of a large movement.
33:48LAUGHTER
33:50That is fucking high-end.
33:55LAUGHTER
33:57Do you know any of the other 86 ways
34:03that Pliny recommended using cabbage?
34:05No, no!
34:06LAUGHTER
34:07He's a surprising answer.
34:08He recorded that...
34:09Injecting warm cabbage juice into your ear could cure deafness?
34:13Or cause it.
34:14LAUGHTER
34:15And washing your children in the warm urine of someone on a cabbage diet
34:20would make them grow big and strong.
34:23And when they're teenagers, they'll beat the shit out of you
34:26for making them die with somebody else's piss.
34:29LAUGHTER
34:30Pliny the Elder did indeed die in the eruption of Mount Vesuvius
34:34in 79 AD.
34:35Mmm.
34:36Even cabbage couldn't save him.
34:37Yeah.
34:38LAUGHTER
34:39No.
34:40The second worst eruption in his lifetime.
34:42The first...
34:43LAUGHTER
34:44I absolutely love this eruption.
34:46LAUGHTER
34:47What happened when Ed Davey drank fermented milk every day
34:50for seven weeks?
34:51He grew udders.
34:53Pfft!
34:54LAUGHTER
34:55He lost two stone.
34:56He lost two stone.
34:57Yeah.
34:58Milk.
34:59He saw the benefits after going on a diet that consisted largely
35:01of kefir and kimchi.
35:02Yes.
35:03All beginning with a K.
35:04Kombucha.
35:05Does it have quite a violent effect on the body?
35:07I remember I didn't really know what it was.
35:08I ordered someone in a cafe.
35:10And when I ordered it, they went,
35:11oh, you know that's a health drink?
35:12And I went, well, I'm sure it's fine.
35:13And then someone came back over with the thing and said,
35:16did one of you order the kombucha?
35:17And I said, I ordered it.
35:18And they went, you knew that's a health drink?
35:19And then when they bought it, they said, are you the kombucha?
35:22I said, yeah.
35:23And they went, you do know it's a health drink?
35:24And I said...
35:25I got the impression, I started panicking, I thought,
35:27this is going to clean me out within seconds or something.
35:29They gave me so many warnings.
35:31It's like moving other tables back, that sort of thing.
35:34People are peeing in the periphery of my vision with mops and things.
35:37Yeah.
35:38Yeah.
35:39Selling the business.
35:41I'm definitely coming to your pub.
35:44Yeah, we'll all go.
35:47Hide to the usual.
35:49What happened when Radio 4's Tom Archer
35:52brought Kefir to the village of Ambridge?
35:55Any Archer's followers?
35:56There was Umbridge.
35:57It's true.
35:59They didn't much like it.
36:00No.
36:01Tom Archer, described by The Guardian as a former sausage czar...
36:09...once went to Brazil to research bacteria and came back to Borsetshire
36:13to launch his own kefir business.
36:15Here's how that went down.
36:17I know you, Tom.
36:18You won't stop until it's all about kimchi and kefir.
36:21No.
36:22What are you wanting for, Tom?
36:24Well, to let people try different varieties of kefir.
36:27Please, Tom, can you stop going on about kefir?
36:32Yeah.
36:33How do we know that Vladimir Putin likes fermented milk?
36:38He's talked about it in interviews.
36:40That's absolutely true.
36:41What other answer could there be?
36:43Yeah.
36:44There was a new documentary celebrating Putin's 25 years in power,
36:47and it showed us a glimpse inside his Moscow apartment
36:50where he shared a glass of kefir with a journalist.
36:53Here he is.
36:54It's all Russian, right?
36:59Well, of course.
37:00And what?
37:24Well, here's an average day out in Siberia.
37:40There is no plausible explanation of what's going on there.
37:43It's the fermented cabbage.
37:45He's just trying to work it through.
37:47They're all fans of fermented milk, apart from Pliny the Elder,
37:50who was a fan of fermented cabbage.
37:53Vladimir Putin has given a journalist a rare tour of his Kremlin
37:57apartment.
37:58A flat.
37:59Let's just say I'd be surprised if the family upstairs let the kids
38:02learn a musical instrument.
38:05Showing off his fridge, Vladimir Putin revealed he was a big fan
38:08of fermented milk.
38:09It's just normal milk that he's looked at.
38:16Right, time for the missing words round, which this week features
38:19as its guest publication Your Curler, the official magazine
38:22of Scottish curling.
38:24Thanks to their tireless efforts over the years, the magazine has
38:27raised national interest in curling to negligible.
38:30We start with...
38:33Proving to be a gateway to Hades.
38:39Relaunching E. Coli.
38:40Relaunching E. Coli.
38:47Caffey in Dorset surprises customers by employing a robot waitress called Bella.
38:52Here is Bella, the robot with her two human co-workers.
38:55Bella can respond to a number of situations.
38:57For example, she can say, wow, your hands are really warm when she is touched.
39:04Something she learned from Gino De Campo.
39:10Next, every issue of Your Curler features a fun game called what?
39:14Curl or die.
39:15That's the name of the hairdressers, isn't it?
39:18Spot the national curling championship, if you will.
39:24Ian was almost right, because it's Guess the Curler.
39:28Ah, you see?
39:29Yeah!
39:30Shall we play?
39:31Let's have a look.
39:32Yes, yes, yes, yes.
39:34Yes, Paul.
39:35Eamon Jenkins.
39:41Not quite.
39:43It is, of course, Hammy Macmillan, Jr.
39:47The quiz doesn't stop there.
39:49The next question, of course, is, who is Hammy Macmillan, Jr.?
39:54Next, woman from Wigan wins prize for what in just nine and a half minutes?
39:59Introducing the concept of emotions to her husband.
40:03No, it's putting together flat pack furniture.
40:08It was an IKEA Billy bookcase.
40:11It was not a Billy bookcase.
40:13Was it the medicine cabinet?
40:15It was not the medicine cabinet.
40:16Because you can't do that in nine and a half minutes.
40:21Well, this is Hayley Macaulay, who won the flat pack world championships
40:24by building a bedside table in nine and a half minutes.
40:28Here she is with her trophy.
40:30There she is.
40:33Yeah.
40:34According to one source, nine competitors battled it out for the title
40:37in front of an assembled crowd.
40:40LAUGHTER
40:42Next, cricket club in Nutsford, proud owner of world's biggest what?
40:47Bat.
40:48Wicket.
40:49Getting very close.
40:50Accounting discrepancy on the bar.
40:51Shit!
40:52LAUGHTER
40:53Stop that.
40:54Stumps!
40:55There you go!
40:56World's biggest stumps.
40:57That's very good.
40:58Here are the world record-breaking 28-foot stumps.
41:00I know people who couldn't hit them.
41:01The 28-foot sculpture will soon be burned to create a pile of ashes,
41:04would you believe?
41:05Although there is a danger the plume of smoke will be so massive if seen
41:08from the Vatican, Mike Gatting will accidentally be elected Pope.
41:09LAUGHTER
41:10Next, what registers as 1.74 on the Richter scale?
41:12Liverpool fan celebration.
41:13He's absolutely right.
41:14Liverpool Premier League win.
41:15There you go.
41:16Tremor in Liverpool was so powerful that at the other end of the
41:18country, it was very powerful.
41:19It was very powerful that at the other end of the country,
41:21it was very powerful.
41:22It was very powerful.
41:23What do you think Arsenal's chances are of winning the Champions League?
41:41Well, they're up against a real Magnifico.
41:45One of the great superheroes of our time.
41:48I think they're going to cruise it.
41:50Yeah, they've been knocked out.
41:54I do love this banter.
42:02What's that all about, then?
42:06That's fantastic.
42:11Dick Van Dyke.
42:13But that brings us to the final scores.
42:15Paul and Miles have four, Ian and Cathy have six!
42:18We just have time for the caption competition.
42:28So, ladies, here we are.
42:31Ladies, I was thinking maybe sushi?
42:37My friends call me Jacob Rees-Mogg.
42:40APPLAUSE
42:49On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Cathy
42:52Newman, Paul Merton and Miles Jupp.
42:54I leave you with news that at Tate Modern, a new sculpture is revealed inspired by how voters feel about Labour's first year in government.
43:06After leaving his glasses at home, an embarrassed King Charles has to apologise for his mistake when posting a letter.
43:12LAUGHTER
43:18And in Whitby, excitement gave way to disappointment after a sighting of the UK's biggest cockle turned out to be a false alarm.
43:26LAUGHTER
43:30Good night.
43:32APPLAUSE
43:34MUSIC FADES
43:42MUSIC FADES
43:44.
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