- 8/31/2024
The first 3 appearances are of the same quality as the first one, BUT, a little better due to the right settings this time around. The 2 last appearances are MUCH MUCH better quality. The editing is 10 times better, and I have added more of important text and deleted the unnecessary images. + This one has a good intro and outro. Thanks to you guys commenting the right french translations on the first version, I could translate everything correctly, I hope. Enjoy!
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FunTranscript
00:00My next guest is a very beautiful actress. She stars in Sex and the City 2, which is
00:12in theaters on May the 27th. There's sex in it. Apparently. I haven't seen it, but if
00:21there is sex in it, I am gonna see it. I'll make my decision based on this clip. I wasn't
00:38gonna see that movie, but I'm gonna see it now. I'm not kidding. Please welcome Alice
00:46Eve, everybody. Take a seat, Alice. Take a weight off. How are you, my dear? I'm very
01:09well. How are you? I'm all right, actually. I'm a bit concerned about my trousers, more
01:13than I was before. I was concerned about your trousers. Why? I thought it was something you
01:20did, but apparently this is unusual for you to be kind of holding them like this. I didn't think I
01:28was holding them like that. Your trousers are holding them like a bra would hold. Really? Yeah.
01:33A bra, isn't it? Well, this looks like an interesting film, I guess. I mean, it's Sex
01:45and the City. It speaks for itself. You're not really Irish, though, I can tell. No,
01:51I'm not Irish. Where are you from? London. That's nice. Yeah, I bet you wish you were from London,
01:56don't you? I used to live in London. I lived in London. Did you? Yeah, I did, yeah. You do a good
02:01RP? What, like talking? Like me. Talking like you? Yeah. Yes, I can talk like you a little bit. Oh,
02:07darling! Yes, I can, and I'll tell you why, because I've been around a lot of young ladies
02:13that talk like you. Oh, have you really? Yes, I have. Do you like them? Wearing trousers much
02:19like these. So they work? Oh, they work indeed. They're what we call in show business result wear.
02:26How are you? I like your gold shoes, by the way. Are you very, very wealthy? I thought I looked like Iron
02:35Man in this outfit. No, no, you don't. Well, I'll take that as a compliment. It is, it's a great
02:42compliment. Robert Downey Jr. was here last week, and you look nothing like him, I'm delighted to
02:46say. I saw that, it was great. With Robert? Yeah. Yeah, do you know him? No, but I watched him. He's
02:53a weird guy. Oh, really? Yeah, but that's all right, he's an actor, they're kind of weird. Yeah,
02:57they are weird, aren't they? Yes. I'm becoming weird, I think, as a result of being an actor.
03:02It's a weird making a job. You weren't weird before? I was just a girl before. You've never
03:07been just a girl. I'm not kidding. No, I mean, does it make you weird being an actor? Why would
03:18it make you weird? I mean, you're weird, you do this, it's like when you present something,
03:21you know, you know, that's like your brand of like funny weird, you know, you're very,
03:26very funny. And weird? Yeah. With bra type trousers? I don't know what to say about the
03:34trousers. Say nothing. Okay. It'll be our secret. Okay. Well, what, and what, how is your weirdness
03:41manifesting itself then? What's happening? What are you doing? Um, yesterday I drove to Ontario
03:47with my friend. Ontario? Ontario. Oh, I so miss Ontario. Um, I did, I drove to Ontario to buy an
03:57old car. I think, I think that's pretty risky for a girl who doesn't really know about cars. Well,
04:03what kind of a car was it? Well, it's got two doors, not four. It has... Still feeling pretty
04:11safe. Yeah. It has a hard top that you can take off it. Ooh. It... What's the make of this car?
04:21Mercedes-Benz. Oh, Mercedes. Oh, German. German. Nah, that is weird. Um, don't let's be ghastly
04:31to the Germans. Why not? They were ghastly to us. Don't let's be beastly to the Germans. Yeah,
04:38what's that from again? Is it Monty Python? No, no. I think it's from, oh, what a lovely war,
04:44I think. Uh, which was, I don't know. Mike will find out using computer power. It's a good song.
04:49Um... Have you ever been to Germany? I'm buying this off, the car off a German person. That
04:56doesn't qualify you as having visited the country. You met a German person. I met a German person.
05:00I mean, I've met Japanese people. I've never been to Japan by us most. I feel like I've been to
05:06Germany. Just by, he must be very German. Two German people. Two Germans. In Ontario. Really?
05:12That's how it starts. How did they get to Ontario? Oh, you don't want to know. They march.
05:18The, uh... Now listen, tell me, so that means you're now living in LA then? You've given up
05:30living in London? Well, I haven't. I can't give up on London, but I live between the two. I miss
05:34my family here in London. Right. What part of London do you live in? Notting, like,
05:38Labreck Grove. Notting Hill. Oh, that's very nice. Yeah. Yeah, it is nice. Yeah, I used to live in
05:41Islington. Right, that's not, that's boring for everyone there. So's the rest of the show. You
05:47must remember, I really don't care. It works. Yes. So you live half of the year in London and half
05:57of the year here and you have two cars now? Um, Mercedes. To both Mercedes? I'm not remotely rich,
06:03I just have an old... You start to sound a little bit rich. I know. And these aren't my shoes,
06:08I'll have to give them back. To me? Um, yeah, I mean... Why do you have to give them back? You
06:18should keep them. I know. What should we, should we, what about that, because you did a, uh, you
06:22do plugs, don't you, for money? Sure. Do you? Yeah, why not? You said, you said in the show
06:27you, you were doing this for money. Yeah, I'm kind of a hooker. Right. Right. So what, what do
06:34you need? These. Let me take care of this. Who made them for you? No one made them for me. Christian
06:42Laboutin made them, but look at the, look at the sole, I can see that sole's all bust up there.
06:47Yeah. Look at them, they spark. You probably don't want those one back then, Christian. They're nice
06:52though, they look nice on the, on the monitor. Don't let Stevie sleep in his pajamas. Don't they,
06:59they sparkle. Yeah, no, they're good, I'm just watching the show, I'm, uh... It's good, it looks
07:06good, doesn't it? Yes, it does, young lady. I think I'm in love. Yeah, me too, Jeff. All right,
07:14we got to go. Alice Eve, everybody, we'll be right back. Please welcome the spectacular Alice
07:26Eve, everybody, Alice Eve. Hello, Alice. Hello, Trey. You look lovely, look at you with your
07:43lovely dress. Thank you. That's a very nice piece of clothing. Thank you. You have there. How are you?
07:49You good? Very well, thank you. Good. I saw you on the Entourage, I watched that show. Did you,
07:53the Entourage? Yes, I watched the Entourage with the, all these lovely... The boys? Yes,
07:57yes, they're all quite small. Um... You can't comment on that. No. But I've noticed that they
08:02are. Whenever they're all together, I want to just, you know, give them a hug. Cuddle them. Yeah,
08:06yeah, they're lovely. Yeah, they are lovely. You know, but you're playing someone who's very tough
08:09and... I know, I hadn't seen that, actually. It's a little... Are you not aware of what you're doing
08:13while you're acting? No. That's what makes you so good. You jump and then you kind of come to the
08:19surface, but I hadn't seen it. It's always weird watching yourself. You don't watch yourself on TV?
08:23No, I don't like to. Sometimes you have to, to correct it and to know what you're doing. It's
08:27not nice. Do you like watching yourself? No, I don't watch this crap. No. I've got cable,
08:33I don't watch this. Ooh la la! I'm kidding. I don't have cable. So, you're living here now,
08:39then. You've made your home in Los Angeles? Yes. I still have, I still have my family in London,
08:44but yes, I do. I mean, yeah. By your family, you mean, what, four or five children working up
08:49chimneys? Five children. My two husbands. Two husbands? Yeah. The ligament, I believe in it,
08:53much like Gaddafi. Oh, no, it's all right. You can say anything you like about Gaddafi. Where did
08:59he go? I don't know. I think he's probably, if I was Condoleezza Rice, though, I'd be checking
09:04under the car and stuff until. Yeah, that was a weird fan. Yeah, that's a weird one. That's weird,
09:08yeah, if that's true. Do you have any weird stalker fans who are also dictators of African
09:12countries? No. Do you have any weird stalker fans? I hope not. Anybody ever sent you some
09:17anthrax, for example? No, that's heavy, but I hear you snorted it. I did, yeah. Yeah. How was
09:24that for you? Yeah, it wasn't that good. Like the old days? No, no. No, in the old days, I had no
09:31idea what it was when I was snorting it. I knew what it was then. You've never been involved in
09:36heavy drug use, have you? Never. Oh, dear. I had parents. I had parents, too. I just didn't invite
09:43them to the club, that's all. I did. Oh, you did? Well, sometimes my mom goes out with me. I've met
09:49your mom and your dad. Yeah. Yeah, I met them actually back in the day, because I used to go
09:53to this club, and they used to come in sometimes. No, I used to eat at this restaurant in London,
10:04and your mom was a friend of my friend, Anthony Head. Oh, yes, of course. Right, right, and so
10:09that's how I... But you must have been like 10 years old then. Yeah. They would never bring you
10:14to a club at that point. No, not a club, a restaurant. Really? Yeah, I used to sleep in the restaurant. Really? You
10:19go to restaurants as a child? Yeah. Must be alright for some. The first time I went to a restaurant, I was 16.
10:28Really? Yeah. McDonald's? They were the neighbouring clan, yeah. So your family back then, but you've
10:41decided to... Do you have a dog yet? No, no. You should get a brown lab. That's all the celebrities
10:49do. You did your German thing again tonight. What German thing? Let's be beastly to the Germans. Yes, I know, we
10:56mustn't be beastly to the Germans. Who was that? That was Noel Coward, wasn't it? It was, and last time we said it was
11:03Monty Python, but it was actually... No, it was Noel Coward, yeah, who sang that song, Let's Not Be
11:07Beastly to the Germans. Yeah. Noel Coward also said... Do you know the actor Edward Woodward? Oh, yes, I do. Yeah,
11:13Noel Coward said Edward Woodward's name sounded like a fart in the bath. Edward Woodward. It's a good expression. It was Noel Coward. It's not me, it was Noel Coward. Do you follow the work of Noel Coward, even though he's been dead for about 20, 30, maybe 50 years? He was brilliant. He was, very good, yeah. But how does one follow the work of Noel Coward? Well, you just go back and look at all his old films. I've done that.
11:43Have you seen the plays? Yeah, you've been in any plays, yeah? In any of his plays? No, but I have been in some plays, but not his plays. Well, what plays have you been in, then? I was in a play called Rock and Roll. I don't like that one. Okay.
11:54What's that play, then, Rock and Roll? Tom Stoppard play. Oh, he's pretty clever, isn't he? Yeah, yeah, no, there is that, yeah. Didn't he write Shakespeare in Love? He did, and he won an Oscar for it. Oh, he did, yeah, yeah, bastard.
12:06I met him once, you know, Tom Stoppard. Did you? Yeah. He's very tall, isn't he? He is, and actually, I was walking out of a
12:12house, a sort of area, and he was walking in, and I held the door open for him, and he said,
12:16oh, thanks. Because he's got that Czech accent. I didn't, I wasn't able to tell from one word. No.
12:23It was just, he said, thanks, and off he went. It could have been, he might not even have English as
12:27his first language. He doesn't. He really doesn't. No. And yet, he writes these plays. Isn't it
12:31wonderful? Yeah, it is. Have you met Jeff? Was he here last time when you were here? Yeah, but he wasn't as good.
12:38Yes, and. Yes, and. Yes, and. Yes, and. Yes, and. Mama.
12:48What do you mean, mama? I mean, mama.
12:54It's very weird, Jeff. It's very weird. Yeah, that's very weird, Jeff. I mean, Jeff, you're gay.
13:03You can't pick and choose, like, well, I suppose you can, actually. Yes, you can. Yeah, yeah,
13:07you can. It's a free country. It is a free country. You're absolutely right. Well done, Alice, for
13:11reminding us that it's a free country. Would you ever think of joining us here and becoming
13:17an American? I have a green card. Well, that doesn't make you an American.
13:24It's a complicated one, really.
13:27I love America. Yeah, that's all right. You don't have to. You don't have to.
13:35No, but I. You know, we're almost full up, anyway. It's fine.
13:42You're very welcome to stay. You don't have to become an American. Well, that's decided it.
13:47Do that again. Okay. All right. But maybe I will. Maybe I will. No, you don't have to. It's fine.
13:55Okay. I mean, you can if you want. Yes. And? Very good. Did you ever take an improv class? No,
14:03but I know that rule. But that's the only rule I know, and apparently. It's the only rule there
14:07is, really. Well, yes and? Yeah, don't stop it. Don't stop the flow. But you can stop the flow,
14:12and it still works. Okay. No. Hence the awkward pause. The awkward pause, which is the deconstruction
14:22of the lame idea that improv can only be done with yes and. Which it can always be done with
14:26yes and. It can sometimes be done with just a look or a gesture or a sweat on my finger.
14:31Shall we prove it? Right, I will. Yes and? No, we're not doing the yes and.
14:44Do you want to do the awkward pause now? I mean, it is about time. No,
14:46let's not do the awkward pause. You don't want to do the awkward pause? It's so awkward.
14:52Well, what do you want to do then? I want to feel comfortable.
14:59Yeah, come over here then.
15:05Hey, hey, my arms don't work, but I got a lot of spirit.
15:14Yeah, man. I don't know. I don't think that's appropriate. Yeah.
15:19I know this young lady's parents. I'm terribly sorry. Yeah, me too, actually.
15:27Well, if you don't want to do an awkward pause, and you certainly... I don't want to be an American.
15:33You don't want to be an American. No, I do. You love America. I love America. I live in America.
15:40Am I talking? Okay. Okay. Here you are. Okay. I'm nervous about this, because I'm not... I
15:48can't do this. Oh, I'll bet you can.
15:57Just how creepy am I right now? Very. Oh, come on. It was a joke. It was a joke.
16:03Even more awkward than the awkward pause. Yes, exactly. I told you,
16:07take the awkward pause. It is actually, paradoxically and ironically, not that awkward.
16:13Okay. Yes, and? Right. Yes, and get the mouth organ and start blowing.
16:43Alice Eve, everybody.
17:00We'll be right back with Alice Eve, everybody.
17:13Oh, Alice. It's lovely to see you again. You are indeed a shimmering beacon of beauty this evening,
17:23may I say? Thank you very much. You look very, very nice. Buried alive? Yes, buried alive. Yeah.
17:28Who would do that? A very bad man, Craig. You wouldn't know anything about it.
17:36I think you'd be surprised.
17:37Although, I would bury you alive. No, it's a horrific thing. It's about Poe, the film, and you know...
17:42Edgar Allan Poe? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And in his stories, he had a very horrific imagination, and
17:48he wrote, as we know, A Tell-Tale Heart. Yes. And in that, he chops a man up and buries him alive.
17:54Yeah, yeah, but you can hear the... Actually, he wouldn't be alive, but yeah, you can hear the heart.
17:58Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was translated into the French by Baudelaire. I liked Baudelaire.
18:03You ever read Baudelaire? That's a great fact, yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's true. Baudelaire was crazy,
18:10crazy alcoholic Frenchman. Just the type of writer I like.
18:15Poe was a crazy alcoholic American. Yes, he was. That's true, yeah. They never met, though,
18:20I don't think. No, I think they were a little bit apart, wasn't Baudelaire the 1850s? Yes,
18:25probably would. Maybe Poe was dead. I feel such a fool now. Poe went to the White House drunk.
18:31Did he really? Yeah. He wasn't the first one. You studied literature at Oxford, didn't you? I did.
18:39Yeah, did you study American literature? No, the course doesn't really have any French or American
18:45or foreign literature in it. So it's all just, things were terribly rummy and then something
18:49rather chipper happened. It's all... The course is a bit too English. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah.
18:55Did you ever read any P.G. Woodhouse? I'm really into Woodhouse right now. Are you? I am, I don't
18:59know why. I think it's Downton Abbey's got me onto it again. What do you... Oh, Downton Abbey. Yes,
19:04I've been... Do you watch Downton Abbey? Do you watch Downton Abbey? Do you watch Downton Abbey?
19:09Do you identify with downstairs people in Downton Abbey who are servants or upstairs who are rather
19:13terribly posh? I don't watch it, but I've been both upstairs and downstairs.
19:30I didn't mean that. Yes, I don't... It wasn't fair. What do you mean it wasn't fair? You did
19:41exactly... You did mean that. Oh, the mugging. No, it wasn't fair. I didn't mug. I just did that.
19:48I've both... In fact, I've both done my laundry and dined at High Table, but I hear that you have
19:5450 quarters here. Oh, yes. $50 worth of quarters. Which would make it, Oxford,
20:00200 quarters. Okay, sorry. But what's fantastic about that is I do my laundry and I need quarters.
20:07You do your own laundry now? Do you go to the laundromat looking like that? That's what I mean.
20:12Because you could go to the laundromat dressed like that and someone, maybe me,
20:16would do your laundry for you. I'd be there. I'd be like, I'll do your laundry, miss. I don't go...
20:22I like... I'll fix your s'mores. I'll get your particulars. I like...
20:28He's shameless. I'll put a bit of fabric softener in for you.
20:36This is a terrible stereotype. Yeah, that's what I do.
20:43No. All right, well, do you want to go for the big cash prize already? Like,
20:46you come out here, you plug your movie and skip to the cash prize? I just came for the money.
20:50You only came for the 50 bucks? I heard you stopped giving singles
20:55and you'd started giving quarters and I asked to come back.
21:02You know, most places would... You go into a 7-Eleven dressed like that, they'll make change
21:06for you. Yeah, you'll be all right. Were you buried alive in that clip? Did they actually
21:12bury you alive? Yeah, they did. They put me in the coffin and they had, you know, machines.
21:16I can't remember, drills. Oh, yes. And, um, you know, they drilled around my head and put the
21:21lid on and I took my first breath because I prepared myself mentally for being buried alive
21:27and then I took my first... How do you do that? Just say to yourself, I'm going to be buried alive
21:31a lot of times. And then eventually you become familiar with the idea and you sort of go through
21:39with it. Is it kind of a yoga thing? I don't love yoga but it is, um, a mantra type thing. Okay, okay.
21:48Anyway, I took my first breath and just to calm myself and all the oxygen went out of the coffin
21:54so when I went for my second breath there wasn't any left, there was just carbon dioxide. Holy
21:58crackers. I know, that's what I did and then I wept and then they sort of opened the lid and
22:02they were like, what's wrong? And I was like, I can't breathe in here and, um, and then I sipped
22:08the air and then we did it again and they filmed it. So they weren't filming the first time?
22:16Like they just, well, we'll just bury you alive a bit and practice.
22:20Really? Yeah. That's a complete waste of burying a lifetime. You want to film it just in case
22:25it goes wrong, you know? At least you have the take. Yes, then at least you have the take. You should
22:31speak to them. I should. Is it Cusack I have to talk to? No, he's not the director, he's an actor.
22:36How does it work? I thought the actor did that. No, the actor's in the movie and then there's a
22:41director, James McTeague, who makes every... McTeague? Yeah, McTeague. My sworn enemy, McTeague.
22:49He's an Australian. He's an Australian? I knew that. Pete, we're out of time. Uh, yeah, look, I got
22:56distracted like you wouldn't. Yeah, all right, uh, cash prize? Let's do that. What time is it,
23:03Shadow Steven? It's time for the big cash prize. All right, $50 in American quarters. All you have
23:11to do is either answer a question or guess what's in my box. Here's how that works. I imagine a box
23:15in my head, but I don't know what's in it. Only Jeff knows what's in it. If you guess correctly,
23:19you win the $50. If you don't, you, uh, something awful will happen. Is the box in your head a
23:25coffin? Well, hold on. Why? Is that what you want? Box in the head? You want a box in your... No,
23:32I don't want you to box me in the head. I said, is that what you... Do you want the question or box
23:36in my head? Well, I just already did that. Is the box in your head a coffin? Well, you don't guess
23:41what the box in my head is. You guess what's in the box in my head. Me! $50, Alice Eve, everybody!
23:50What the...
23:57A spectacular Alice Eve, everybody. Alice Eve.
24:19Hello, Alice. Hello. I haven't seen you in an age. How have you been? I've been very well. You look
24:25very nice. Thank you. Gorgeous, in fact. I match the carpet and the mug. Well, no, you look better
24:32than all that stuff. You look great. I'm a donkey. That's not a donkey. Yes, it is.
24:37It's a horse, partially. It's not a horse, though, is it, Craig? No, it's not a real horse. No.
24:44It's a pretend horse. Donkey face. Just like this is a pretend show. This has all been put
24:49together so I could meet you, because we're meant to be together.
24:55You're in Star Trek now, which means you'll be followed by a lot of people who will say
24:58that to you. We were meant to be together, Alice.
25:05Look, there you are. There it is. Yeah, you're in it. That's actually not me, yeah. No, and that's
25:10not you? No, that's... I thought that was you.
25:17Are you sure? Oui. Oui, bien sûr. Ah, fantastic. Ce n'est pas moi.
25:28We were a bit worried, Alice, because you've always been such a lovely guest in the show.
25:32We were a bit worried that now you've become this enormous international megastar that you
25:35would have changed in some way, but I gave you the bell test.
25:42Yep, you passed. You see, you continue to honour the show. I have to say, that's a very distracting
25:48dress. Sorry. It's all right. Actually, the dress is fine. I'm just having a very hard time.
25:53Is that a tattoo? Yeah, I've got a lot of them, yeah. I've got a lot of tattoos. This goes all
25:59the way up round and... Go on, follow the snake. Go on, Alice, down there, go on. What are you
26:08going to do? As a member of the non-tattooed community, I find tattoos fascinating. Really?
26:13Yeah. Are you interested in getting one? No. Really? Why? Why do you hate America?
26:20They are very closely linked to America. A lot of Americans have them. I don't dislike them,
26:25I just don't know if I want one on myself. No, you probably... I mean, you're pretty
26:28good as you are, I have to be honest. I just would regret it, I think. Well, regret's part
26:34of life. It is, it is. Yeah, it's all right. Je ne regrete rien. There you go. No. Can I just ask
26:42you something? The next time you want the bell, just ask, I'll bring it over. Don't lean over the
26:45desk. I'm not... Don't get mad at me, I'm not trying to... I'm just saying that... I think it
26:58takes more than that to make me mad, but let's try it again and see if you can sing.
27:04Not as easy as it looks, is it? Turns out, this is a skill. Yeah, you can't have your fingers on
27:11it when you press that little bit in the middle. Yes, because the acoustics won't track. Right,
27:14so you have to just pop the button and move. Right. Thank you.
27:19I got the robot going. Hey, listen, where have you been? What have you been up to? Where have
27:30you been this summer? I've been everywhere this summer. Obviously, Star Trek. That's what I'm
27:35saying. You must have been all around the world. Yes, we did. We went to Mexico, Russia, Berlin,
27:38which was phenomenal. I've never been to Berlin. I'd like to go to Berlin. Have you been? No. You
27:42should go. I know. I hear you're fluent in German. Oui. Berlin, where else did we go? Moscow
27:50was intense. It had the worst traffic. I've been there. In four hours. Some people take four hours
27:55to get home from work. Really, in Moscow? Yeah, the traffic is unprecedented. I don't remember
28:00that. I just remember being cold. It was very cold, and I had a fur hat. You bought one. They
28:05sell them on the street. They're sort of common, like sunglasses in Venice Beach. Yeah, yeah. I
28:08mean, you must have bought a fur hat, though, surely. No, because fur is dubious, isn't it?
28:13It's not real fur. Oh, no, fake fur. No, I wouldn't buy a real fur hat. I would just ask
28:17the animal to politely sit in my head until such time as it had enough and it could move along
28:24of its own free will. So you don't wear fur, then? I don't know if animals have free will,
28:28do they? I think they do, don't they? Do we even have free will? Oh, gosh, I knew you were going
28:32to take me here. All right, then. I think so. I think there's such a thing as free will, but then
28:38I would think that if I had been predestined to think it, wouldn't I? Right. What do you think?
28:43Do you think we have free will? I think within the confines of our existence, we maybe have
28:47free will before we eventually die, which is sort of determined. I suppose there's moments. I think
28:52you sounded to me like a Calvinist. Are you a Calvinist? No, I'm not. No, I'm not, because
28:56that's very Scottish. Well, Jean Covan was actually French, but... Oui, bien sûr. Exactly.
29:03I'm suspecting your French vocabulary is slightly limited.
29:07Yes, it's a little limited. I stopped at 16. Right. Forgive me. I learned... No, anything. Yeah.
29:15No, not Calvinist. I wonder about free will. You know, I wonder about it. I don't know.
29:20I don't know either. I mean... Well, but doesn't that prove in its own way that free will exists
29:25if you think about it? Yes, if you think about it, I suppose, if you question it. I mean,
29:28we have the choice to make tea in the morning or coffee, and I suppose that's free will,
29:33but I think it's limited.
29:38In what way is it limited? Well, there are certain things you can't determine, aren't there?
29:44Well, yeah, there's chance, right? But that's chance. That's not in your will, though. Like,
29:49your will, you make choices. It's the Kierkegaardian either-or conundrum, right?
29:55Any decision you make will have a percentage of regret attached to it. Will I get a tattoo? Will
30:00I not get a tattoo? Perhaps 80% of the regret of getting a tattoo you would experience,
30:05but perhaps 80% of not getting the tattoo is the regret. Do you see where I'm going with this?
30:15I'm sold. I'm sold. So what tattoo should I get? I don't know if you should get a tattoo. No,
30:20I'm going to get one now after that. Well, I don't know. I mean, I just find in my life
30:25there are many things that I regret not doing. The things that I did do, I kind of go,
30:30I think, oh, well, I probably shouldn't have done that, but eh, what are you going to do? And move
30:34on. Rarely do you regret an action. It's inaction that you regret. Right. In fact, I think the
30:40audience here rues the day when they came to this. Have you ever rued a day in particular,
30:47any day in particular? Not a day that has been something, as you say, part of my free will or
30:51something that I've had a part in deciding. The days that I rue are the days that, you know,
30:54bad things happen that were out of my control. Right. But that's not a factor in whether there's
30:59free will or not. No, exactly. That's the universe and the chance that exists within. That's the
31:01universe and the chance that you're outside of. Right. Outside of you. So no, you're right.
31:06Free will does exist because otherwise, yes, you're right. So we agree then. No, I think you're
31:12right. I think we agree that free will exists. I think we agree that free will exists. Well,
31:16enjoy the products.
31:36So purposefully made the work difficult to read. And
31:39Excuse me. Aren't there any more commercials you could play?
31:47You never seem shy about closing... Oh, fine.
31:51D'accord.
31:53Good one.
31:54Yes, thank you. So, you went... Where else did you go in your travels with Star Trek?
31:57Did you go to...
31:58Japan.
31:59Japan?
32:00Did you meet Penguin Z when you were in Japan?
32:03No, who's Penguin Z? I'm...
32:04Someone that wrote to me from Japan. I think it's a nickname, though.
32:07No, I didn't meet Penguin Z.
32:09We went to Kyoto, which is the old city where everybody still...
32:13There's geisha houses, and people sort of dress up in traditional costume.
32:17We dressed up in traditional costume.
32:19Did you dress as a geisha?
32:20Yeah, it was incredible. You have to walk, like...
32:22Because it's very tight and very constructed,
32:25and the shoes are such that you have to walk in a very small step,
32:29like a catwalk model, I suppose, walks now, but very small.
32:32So, it was an interesting experience.
32:34Yeah, it was fantastic for me right there when you were explaining it.
32:37It was. I'm just being honest.
32:40Not in any way being creepy. Maybe a little bit.
32:43Anyway, we're out of time, as it turns out.
32:48We're fine. We can go as long as you like.
32:52That's an improv game, isn't it?
32:53Where you press the bell, and then you have to go...
32:55We've played an improv game before. We've done this before.
32:58Really? Did we? What did we do?
32:59We did the don't say no thing.
33:01Oh, yeah.
33:02That's the rule of improv.
33:03But that's boring, because we've done it, so let's not do it again.
33:05Yes.
33:07What else can we do?
33:09No, we're out of time.
33:10So, here's your options, then. You can have awkward pause,
33:13fake argument, or twerk with the horse.
33:18I'm not going to twerk with the horse.
33:20Are you sure?
33:21Yes.
33:22Because I think everyone would really like that.
33:24OK.
33:28See, you know what you did?
33:29You ruined it there. You ruined it.
33:31You scared her.
33:32I will take this opportunity to exercise my free will.
33:36Ah, good for you.
33:37I will not twerk with the horse.
33:39Good.
33:40Because there's an 80% chance...
33:41Hey, hey, hey. You're not at the prices right. Shut up.
33:45There's an 80% chance that I will, in fact, regret it.
33:48Right.
33:49So, let's have a fake argument.
33:50No.
33:51Why not?
33:52Because you come here looking like this and expect me to concentrate.
33:56That's why.
33:57That's why.
34:00I can't believe you would shout at a lady.
34:04Is this how you argue?
34:09I can't believe that you would raise your voice.
34:11This isn't arguing. This is passive-aggressive.
34:13No.
34:14This is not an argument at all.
34:16Most communication that happens in the 21st century is passive-aggressive.
34:20Ho, ho, ho.
34:23That's my trick.
34:24Ho, ho, ho.
34:25Oh, that's good. Oh, that's good.
34:27You won that. Ho, ho, ho.
34:29See, now...
34:30Ho, ho, ho.
34:31One more time.
34:32Ho, ho, ho.
34:33No.
34:34That's my trick.
34:35I turn to my person that supports me, who isn't there,
34:39and they agree with me.
34:40So, when you say something, I look at them and go,
34:42Ho, ho, ho.
34:43Ho, ho, ho.
34:44And then I win because two against one.
34:45It's America and democracy.
34:47You didn't win.
34:48I didn't win?
34:49No, you didn't win.
34:50I'm not interested in winning an argument with you.
34:52Are we still having the fake argument?
34:53Maybe. I don't know. I'm just enjoying myself.
34:56I think it's real now.
34:57Okay.
34:58You can win then.
35:00Oh, boy.
35:03We'll be right back, everybody.
35:13Holy crackers.
35:15Alice Eve, everybody. Alice Eve.
35:24Ho, ho, ho.
35:26Ho, ho, ho.
35:27Ho, ho, ho.
35:28Ho, ho, ho.
35:29Ho, ho, ho.
35:30Ho, ho, ho.
35:31Ho, ho, ho.
35:32Ho, ho, ho.
35:33Ho, ho, ho.
35:34Ho, ho, ho.
35:36Well, Alice.
35:37You look lovely.
35:40Thank you. I'm ushering in spring.
35:43Well, it's certainly arrived just in time for your lovely
35:47floral garden thing.
35:49You look nice.
35:50Boys don't like these kind of dresses, but girls do.
35:54Boys like them fine.
35:56Well, it's the flowers are very pretty, Craig.
35:58Yes, they are, and they're lovely, and all the squiggles are nice, too.
36:04I'm glad you're wearing it. Most of the time, I can't concentrate when you're out here.
36:07Everything's great. It's all contained.
36:12It's lovely. This film looks a bit scary.
36:14I know. You looked very scared in your acting that you did.
36:17That wasn't acting. That was genuine scared.
36:20Oh, that was hamming.
36:22How dare you?
36:24Do it again.
36:26You looked like you were sort of coming out of a pool of water and gasping for air.
36:33Like a little tadpole.
36:36That's right, isn't it?
36:43Do you have a good time making this movie?
36:45I agree.
36:46Do you come here often?
36:48All the time. I work here.
36:50How about you?
36:52I'm just new in town, actually.
36:54I can tell. You don't talk like this.
36:56No.
36:57I sound a bit like Moe Szyslak from Pakistan.
37:00Or Larry King.
37:02Hey, what accent is Brian doing in that movie?
37:05He's doing Russian.
37:07Ah, I thought that's what it was.
37:11It's good.
37:12Ukrainian, perhaps?
37:13Oh, I don't know. What's happening in the movie, then?
37:15Does he, like, he goes nuts and breaks the joint up?
37:18Well, no, he tries, but I play quite a tough cookie, so I hold my own against him.
37:24Do you do it in American or English?
37:27Yeah, I do it in American, and I had to speak in American the whole time I was there.
37:30How did it go?
37:31Well, I wasn't allowed to speak in English ever at all,
37:33even to my parents or my brothers or my friends,
37:35so I lost all my brothers and my friends and my parents.
37:38Do they all hate America? Is that what you're saying?
37:40All of your brothers and friends and parents hate the United States of America.
37:43They just wouldn't call me anymore because I'd sort of answer the phone and be like,
37:46hey, how you doing?
37:49And they were like, what's wrong with you? Why are you an American?
37:52Do the American accent again. I liked it.
37:54Hey, how you doing?
37:55That's very good.
37:57I don't know why I go an octave lower to do that. Let's do it again.
38:00Hey, how are you? What's up, Mom?
38:03Why are you talking like that, darling?
38:05What is it that you're talking like that for, darling?
38:08I'm just sitting next.
38:16Could we have a talk?
38:18Sure. Be careful, though.
38:20I wonder if it will ring.
38:24I wonder who it is. You have to answer it then.
38:27Well, hi, Mom.
38:29Oh, hello, Alice, darling. Why are you talking like that?
38:34Because there's this bossy man here who makes me talk in this accent
38:38the whole time that I'm on this stage with this horse and this man.
38:43I don't talk to... Wait, hold on. Let me talk to your mother.
38:46Mrs. Eve, I'm outraged that you would even think such a thing.
38:49Plus the fact I also met you before, years ago. Do you remember?
38:52Yes, of course I remember, yes.
38:54I met you and your lovely husband at the Groucho Club.
38:56I'm sorry I was a bit drunk and was sick on your dress.
39:00Oh, well, take that, Seth.
39:06Bye, Mom. Bye-bye.
39:10I'm still here.
39:14That's about right.
39:17Have you done a big Rootin', Tootin', Shootin'...
39:19Oh, you did Star Trek, yeah.
39:21That made some money. Yeah, made a little bit of money.
39:23That was a good film. Yeah, J.J. Abrams.
39:25Yeah, he's clever, isn't he? He's very, very clever.
39:27Yeah, bastard.
39:29You're clever, too.
39:31Not so much. If I was clever, I'd have worked my way out of here by now.
39:34No, you're very clever. You channel it differently.
39:36You're a personality and he's a, you know, filmmaker.
39:39Artist. Yeah, artist.
39:41But this is an art form, isn't it?
39:43I...
39:46I think it is. It's not easy. You're good at it.
39:49See, I don't know that that means it's an art form.
39:52I think it's more just... A skill.
39:54It's a convention, I think. The late night show is a convention.
39:57You've been on the other ones, haven't you? Yeah.
39:59Well, you know what they're like.
40:01I totally agree, this is the best one, hands down.
40:03But the...
40:05Please.
40:12Do you know, I have to say, I'm just looking at Brian on the cover of this thing.
40:16He looks very frightening.
40:18You've turned it around.
40:20There we go.
40:22Looking frightening. He was quite frightening.
40:24He was quite a strong dude as well.
40:26Like, when he had to do stuff, he had a firm grip.
40:29But it worked for the story.
40:31He was Malcolm's dad and Malcolm in the middle.
40:35And then Breaking Bad. Yeah, Breaking Bad.
40:37Did you watch that? I did.
40:39I had to stop watching it when I was working with him though
40:41because it would have been a bit, you know, a conflict of interest.
40:43That's a great show. That's a really good show.
40:45And he looks good in underpants.
40:47Yeah, he does.
40:49He takes care of himself. He runs a lot.
40:51We run together. Do you run?
40:53Every now and then.
40:55Only with Brian Cranston? Only with Brian.
40:57Only if Brian's down there in the gym sweating.
41:02Jeff? I like the way you talk, girl.
41:05Yeah. Yeah.
41:07Jeff?
41:09I like that dress. It's got, like, lattice work on it.
41:11I knew this dress would take some...
41:14Work that lattice, Alice.
41:21I'm feeling a bit left out, actually.
41:23Sorry, I'm sorry.
41:25Anyway, it's commercial break time, Alice.
41:27OK, bye. No, no, no.
41:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:51Yeah, no, I mean, we're back.
41:53Welcome back, everyone. I'm here with Alice Eve,
41:55who's in this very good film, Call...
41:57CALL
42:01Very good. That was very good.
42:03Is that music in your film?
42:05No, but, um, thank God.
42:07LAUGHTER
42:09Hey, what music do you like? I've never asked you.
42:11Oh, that's a really good question.
42:13Is it? Well, then I'm never asking it again.
42:15OK. Do you know who I bought...
42:17OK, first of all, I like the XX.
42:19That's the band that I think is the most interesting.
42:21You bet, yes.
42:23APPLAUSE
42:25OK, OK.
42:27A lot of fans, Jamie.
42:29And then I also just bought this band on recommendation
42:31of my friend called... No, he's not a band.
42:33He's a... I guess he's an R&B artist,
42:35which I think is coming back.
42:37Has it been away?
42:39Well, in the 90s, it was so good, you know,
42:41with A Liar and all the...
42:43A lot of female R&B artists in the 90s,
42:45but I think it's coming back, and this guy, The Weeknd,
42:47is really good. So I just listened to his album.
42:49All right. Well, don't applaud just because she likes music.
42:51Lots of people like music.
42:53I like The Weeknd in red.
42:55Yes, OK. Yeah, you, yeah.
42:57I think he may be just trying to get your attention.
42:59He got it.
43:01I like whatever you like, Alice!
43:03You got a pretty mouth!
43:05LAUGHTER
43:07APPLAUSE
43:09Yes.
43:11But I think that the lord among men
43:13when it comes to music
43:15is George Harrison.
43:17Oh, yes, my goodness. Lovely George. God rest him.
43:19He was lovely.
43:21Where are you going, Craig?
43:23Any road will take you there.
43:25Yeah, it's a bit advanced for me.
43:27LAUGHTER
43:29Al Zeeb, everybody!
43:31CHEERING
43:33APPLAUSE
43:35MUSIC
43:37You know what, buddy?
43:39What's that, pal?
43:41I'm getting too old for this.
43:43Ay, caramba!
43:45Oh, come on. I don't like to hear talk like that.
43:47You're meant to say, yes, and.
43:49You know what, Craig? What?
43:51I think tonight's show was a frank attempt
43:53at deconstructing the yes, and method.
43:55And what a pile of...
43:57It is.
43:59LAUGHTER
44:01Are you saying we sometimes
44:03know what we're doing?
44:05Because we're professionals, dammit.
44:07That's right. High five!
44:09APPLAUSE
44:11CHEERING
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