- 8/15/2024
Enjoy some chaotic moments from Citizen Khan Series 5
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FunTranscript
00:00Oh, God! How could I forget our wedding anniversary?
00:04What are we going to do now?
00:06Go to the cricket at Edgbaston. They sent a pair of tickets to the mosque.
00:09Dave, Mrs Khan hates cricket.
00:12No, you misunderstand. I'm taking Riyaz.
00:14Oh, I see. You'd rather go to the cricket than help a friend in need?
00:19Yep.
00:22Hang on. Why didn't you ask me?
00:24You just don't want me sitting next to you when Pakistan beat England.
00:28Right.
00:30And anyway, if England do win, which they won't,
00:33it's only because they've got Moeen Ali playing for them.
00:36So Pakistan win, either way.
00:39Except Moeen was actually born in England.
00:41Spock Hill, to be precise.
00:43I've seen him at the mosque a couple of times.
00:45Said hello to him once.
00:47I didn't imagine that could get anything.
00:50Said hello to him once.
00:53Big deal. Everyone knows Moeen Ali.
00:56Moeen Ali?
00:57Do you know Moeen Ali, sir?
00:59Of course.
01:01Me and Moeen, we're like best friends.
01:05I've even showed him my googly's.
01:09That is close.
01:11Come on.
01:13Oh, that's right. Off you go.
01:15Leave me to face the wrath of Mrs Khan.
01:19She's impossible when she's like this.
01:21Like a bull about to charge.
01:24She's got steam coming out of her nostrils.
01:27With her horns heading straight for my...
01:32She's behind me, isn't she?
01:35Yes. Salam alaikum, Mrs Khan.
01:37And more on Mrs Theresa Mayes later.
01:40Hello, sweetie.
01:42Sweetie, I'm sorry.
01:45You know, I'll do anything for you.
01:47Anything at all. You name it, I'll do it.
01:50No expense spared.
01:52But go easy on the biscuits, though.
01:55Sweetie, please let me help him.
01:58So, ladies, any ideas?
02:00Here we are.
02:02Mrs Khan's got the biscuits and I've got the drinks.
02:05I know how thirsty you women get with all the talking you do.
02:09I'm so sorry about my husband, everyone.
02:12Everyone, this is my husband, Amjad.
02:15He's a policeman.
02:16I'm policed to meet you too.
02:19Maybe Amjad's got some ideas for the fundraising
02:23that will appeal to the dads.
02:25Nowadays it's all about celebrities.
02:27Oh, me, me.
02:29Mr Khan knows a celebrity.
02:32Moeen Ali.
02:34Moeen Ali?
02:35He's a cricketer.
02:37My husband is a big fan.
02:39Does Mr Khan really know Moeen Ali?
02:42He showed him his googly's?
02:45Googly's are balls.
02:50I think it's a great idea.
02:52Is it? What is?
02:53We should get Moeen Ali involved.
02:55Maybe you could get a bat signed, then auction it.
02:58My husband would definitely bid for a signed bat.
03:01Hang on a minute.
03:02Wouldn't it be even better
03:04if we had a celebrity appearance from Moeen Ali?
03:08What?
03:09Yeah, that would be even better.
03:12And you can make that happen, can't you?
03:14Can I?
03:16I mean, may I?
03:18It would be my pleasure.
03:20Just a bat is fine.
03:22We wouldn't want to take up too much of Moeen's time.
03:24Nonsense. He's a local boy.
03:27He'll just need a bit of persuasion.
03:29Just a bit?
03:32You said you would do anything for me.
03:35I was thinking chocolates.
03:37Or flowers.
03:39Chocolate, mainly.
03:42But I want this.
03:44No problem, sweetie.
03:46But just a thought.
03:48Are you sure you wouldn't want Benny from Crossroads instead?
03:53I mean, he's probably available.
03:56No.
03:58OK.
04:06Come on!
04:10Are you one of the players?
04:12What?
04:13One of the players?
04:14Yes, Pakistani one.
04:16What's your name?
04:17Khan.
04:19Imran Khan.
04:22You don't look like Imran Khan.
04:24Yeah, I've really let myself go.
04:28Losing Jemima hit me really hard.
04:32Can I have a selfie?
04:34OK.
04:40Two pounds.
04:43Times are really hard.
04:45Come on, come on, come on.
04:47Thank you. Now clear off.
04:48Come on, haven't you got a paper round to do?
05:05I'm Jem...
05:07You gave me a fright.
05:09Everyone's looking for you, sir.
05:11Maybe you should turn yourself in.
05:13I'm sure this is important.
05:15I need to make things up with Mrs Khan.
05:18Come on, help me get my pants off.
05:22We'd better be quick, sir.
05:23The call's gone out for a Pakistani man with a beard and a funny accent.
05:28This is Birmingham. I'll be fine.
05:32Wearing a tatty old suit from the 1970s.
05:35What?
05:37Oh, God.
05:38All right, I'll tell you what.
05:40Hold that there. Hold on.
05:42I'll just put this on. Simple. No problem.
05:44They'll never know. Here, hold this.
05:46Oh, God.
05:48Tatty old suit of the 70s.
05:50Oh, dear.
05:52I bought that from Italian China designer.
05:58Oh.
05:59I'm not wearing any underpants.
06:02Sleeping in the car, you see.
06:05Turn around.
06:12What are you doing?
06:15Attention all officers.
06:16The man with the old tatty suit
06:18was just seen impersonating a cricketer in the dressing room.
06:22Oh, Tony.
06:24What am I going to do?
06:31I think they're coming.
06:32Hang on.
06:33I've got to get moving, Ali.
06:35Take my shirt off.
06:42Nearly there. Nearly there.
06:44Hold on.
06:47Hold on.
06:50Pass me the tracksuit.
06:52I'm going to get into so much trouble.
06:55DISPATCHER ON RADIO
07:00OK, we know you're in there.
07:03Come out nice and slowly,
07:05with your hands where I can see them.
07:14Not you.
07:18Coming out.
07:20Where is he?
07:24Oh, Tony!
07:30Right, all units, keep looking for an Asian male
07:33no longer in a tatty old suit.
07:35In fact, what is he wearing?
07:39One thing being part of NWA has taught me
07:42that it's a jungle out there.
07:44Little Mo doesn't stand a chance
07:46if he doesn't see his father standing up to bullies.
07:49But, sir, I don't like violence.
07:51It's not about violence.
07:53Violence never solved anything.
07:55I'm talking about non-violent resistance,
07:58like Martin Luther Vandross.
08:01I don't understand, sir.
08:03It's about keeping a cool head,
08:05rising above it,
08:07letting it go in one ear and out the other.
08:10You should be good at that.
08:12How do you mean?
08:13All right, I'll show you.
08:15Hang on.
08:16Bully me.
08:17Bully you, sir?
08:18Yes, come on.
08:19Bully me.
08:20Goad me.
08:21Call me a few names.
08:22I don't think I can, sir.
08:24Anjit, I'm trying to teach you how to stand up to bullies.
08:27I can't do that if you don't bully me.
08:29I don't know what to say.
08:31Just say what bullies say.
08:33Give me your lunch money.
08:36Not that.
08:37Try, um...
08:39money.
08:40Try, um...
08:42muttonhead.
08:43You're a muttonhead.
08:44Sticks and stones, sticks and stones, Anjit.
08:47No, try nincompoop.
08:49You're a nincompoop.
08:51Water off a duck's back, I'm rising above it.
08:55Try, um...
08:56Go on.
09:00You're a fat old man with a stupid bed
09:02and a silly old-fashioned suit.
09:06What?
09:11You see, Anjit, there's nothing to it, huh?
09:17Come in, Debbie.
09:19Oh, hi, everyone.
09:21Oh, look, it's Matt and Debbie.
09:24But no Matty, just Debbie.
09:27Very good, Mr Khan.
09:29Bet you can't wait to get away.
09:31Matt's just packing the rest of our stuff,
09:33so I thought I'd come and see if you need a hand with yours.
09:36Oh, thanks.
09:37Oh, I see.
09:38Shazi and Amjad are going on holiday with Matt and Debbie.
09:45Oh, hello, Mrs Khan.
09:46You seem very chirpy.
09:48Oh, I am, and I will be even more so tomorrow.
09:51Really? You've got something special planned?
09:53Well, I didn't think I did,
09:55but then my favourite daughter went and booked her parents
09:59to go on holiday with them.
10:01What?
10:03I know, I know, it was meant to be a surprise.
10:06It's a surprise, all right.
10:10By the way, I found our old swimming costumes
10:12from Great Yarmouth, 1988.
10:14I'm not sure mine will fit, sweetie.
10:17Oh, just breathe in a bit.
10:19I tried breathing in, but I almost died.
10:21We're all going on a summer holiday.
10:24Oh, God, your mum thinks she's coming on holiday with us.
10:27Sounds like a holiday mix-up.
10:29You need to call Watchdog.
10:33Dad, you need to talk to Mum.
10:35Oh, is that the time?
10:36Come on, I'm just...
10:37Let's get more to the pool before the tide comes in, huh?
10:40What are we going to do, Shazia? You need to talk to your mum.
10:43I can't.
10:44Look at Alia, she does her own thing all the time.
10:46Yes, because she lies.
10:48Well, I'll talk to her if you like.
10:50No.
10:51Shazia!
10:52OK, fine.
10:53Will you, Alia?
10:54Yeah, no problem.
10:55What will you say?
10:56I'll make something up.
10:58What do you think of this?
10:59It's lightweight and perfect for travelling.
11:02Never mind that.
11:03Matt and Debbie are going on holiday with Shazia and Amjad,
11:06and you're not.
11:10You're welcome.
11:15I thought you said you were going to lie.
11:17I lied.
11:19Oh, she's good.
11:20I'm sorry, Mum.
11:22But I thought you booked a family holiday.
11:25I did, for my little family, with Matt and Debbie.
11:29But I bought a new swimming costume and this outfit.
11:32If you wear that here, they might still see you in the Canaries.
11:37I'm sorry, Mum.
11:38I just wanted our first holiday to be just us.
11:41With Matt and Debbie?
11:42With Matt and Debbie.
11:44How am I going to tell Nanny?
11:46I'll do it.
11:47No, you won't.
11:50Ah, good news.
11:52I've sorted the bullying, so all is well.
11:55Maybe not.
11:56Everything OK.
11:57Yes.
11:58Shazia and Amjad are going on holiday,
12:00and we are not going with them.
12:02I know.
12:03Isn't it great?
12:05We'll get some peace and quiet.
12:07Yeah, great.
12:09So, off you go, Shazia.
12:11Amjad's already next door, packing all the rest of his things.
12:14Enjoy your time on the beach and in the sea with Matt and Debbie.
12:19Thanks, Dad.
12:20Will Mum be OK?
12:21She'll be fine.
12:22Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
12:23Babaji, can I...
12:24Yes, here you are.
12:26Ah.
12:30I think it's lovely that Shazia and Amjad are having a holiday with Matt and Debbie.
12:36I guess.
12:38It means that we get a bit of time to ourselves, eh?
12:41I suppose I should go and unpack.
12:43Ah, not so fast, my lime-green Pakistani princess.
12:50What do you mean?
12:51Well, we made some friends at the park.
12:54Hoggy Doggy Johnson and his family.
12:57Very friendly.
12:58He said we can make use of their holiday home at any time.
13:03Holiday home?
13:04Wow.
13:05We can leave tonight.
13:07I'll even put my swimming costume on for you, eh?
13:10Here.
13:11I took a photo of it earlier.
13:17Did you know she was in the picture?
13:20Who?
13:22The girl behind you?
13:24Oh, my God.
13:26I don't believe it.
13:28No way.
13:29It's someone who looks just like Alia.
13:37Ah, poor Mr. Malik.
13:38I can't believe he's gone.
13:40Still, I suppose a part of him will always be with us.
13:43Is she keeping his dupé?
13:47Idiot.
13:48But that thing had a life of its own.
13:50It's like he was balancing a guinea pig on his head.
13:54Have some respect for the dead.
13:56Are you sure he's dead?
13:57He's probably scrabbling at the coffin lid trying to get out.
14:01Poor Mrs. Malik is suffering.
14:03Just try and be a little bit more sensitive.
14:05Fine, I'll be sensitive.
14:10So, hit by a bus, eh?
14:16It's just such a shock.
14:19Of course.
14:21I can't believe he's gone.
14:26No.
14:27It's so kind of you to let me stay here.
14:29Especially since your house is so much smaller than mine.
14:35Hang on.
14:36Are they my birthday truffles?
14:38That's the last one.
14:41What?
14:42I'm sorry, I found them in the kitchen.
14:44I hid them in a tin in the top cupboard.
14:46That's where I found them.
14:50It's no problem.
14:52What's Mr. Carnes' is yours, isn't it?
14:55Yes, I suppose so.
14:57Would you like some of my varicose veins too?
15:03The worst part is,
15:05what if people think he was waiting for a bus?
15:08I mean, we haven't used public transport for 20 years.
15:14Right.
15:15He just didn't see it coming.
15:17He should have checked the timetable.
15:20No.
15:21He was distracted.
15:23Oh, was he on the phone?
15:25The wind blew his hairpiece over his eyes.
15:30Oh, dear.
15:33I told him so many times,
15:35don't go out when it's too windy,
15:37but he never listened.
15:39I can tell you're shocked.
15:41You didn't know he wore a hairpiece.
15:45I had no idea.
15:47Did you?
15:48Oh, no.
15:50I had no idea at all.
15:54I mean, it looked so...
15:56lifelike.
15:59Would you excuse us for a minute?
16:01What?
16:02What is wrong with you?
16:04You should be supporting Mrs. Malik.
16:06Sweet tea, there aren't enough truffles in the world
16:08to support that woman.
16:11And what about Amjad?
16:12He needs our support too.
16:14I know this is a difficult time for everyone,
16:16but I'm just trying to get on with normal life.
16:19We Pakistanis are very good
16:21at making the best of a bad situation.
16:23Why do you think there are so many of us in Birmingham?
16:29Shazia's worried about him.
16:31She says he's very stressed.
16:33He'll be okay.
16:34Why don't you offer to help with the funeral arrangements?
16:37I can't.
16:38I've got to go and see the bank manager
16:40about my new business idea.
16:42I need an investor.
16:43Unbelievable!
16:44You're worried about investors
16:46when your son-in-law has just lost his father.
16:48We've all got our problems, sweetie.
16:52Look, I've got high heating bills,
16:54my back's still playing up,
16:56and next door's cat keeps pooping in our patio.
17:01Look, let me show you my business idea, huh?
17:03Now, imagine we're somewhere romantic,
17:06like the time I took you to the Taj Mahal.
17:09You've never taken me to the Taj Mahal.
17:11Yes, I have. The one on the Stratford Road.
17:14You had the Lamboon, I remember.
17:17Oh, yeah, that one.
17:18So, we want to take a selfie,
17:20but, oh, no, you forgot to bring a selfie stick.
17:24Me?
17:25Yes.
17:26But it's not a problem.
17:27Not with Mr Khan's
17:29sewn-into-your-suit selfie stick.
17:35There we are.
17:36Perfect.
17:37Now, get ready to say,
17:39which is activating extension mode.
17:46George, you all right?
17:49Mr Khan?
17:50Just making sure he's looking his best.
17:56Perfect.
17:57We should take the body to the cemetery now.
17:59Oh, and Mr Gul is looking for you.
18:01Right.
18:02Did you tell Mrs Malik and Amjad that, um, you know...
18:05No, I didn't, Dave.
18:07I want Amjad to bury his father with pride.
18:10Well, that's very noble.
18:12So, are you going to pay the 100,000?
18:14No plumbing way!
18:16So, who is?
18:17I don't know.
18:18There isn't any money.
18:19Well, so, what are you going to do?
18:21Well, I'll just get Mrs Malik
18:23to tell the Pakistani Paddy Power
18:25that he'll get his money after the funeral.
18:27What?
18:28Well, how are you going to do that?
18:29Aha!
18:30Allow me to introduce
18:32Mrs Malik!
18:38Oh, no.
18:40No, no, no.
18:41What?
18:43It's perfect.
18:44I'll do all the talking.
18:46Riyaz just has to stand there
18:48looking like a lady.
18:50No problem.
18:51I mean...
18:53no problem.
18:55I'm sorry, I can't allow you to do this.
18:58All right.
18:59What are you saying?
19:00That men shouldn't wear women's clothes?
19:02Well, no, of course not.
19:03I mean, obviously, I'm in favour of a...
19:05of a non-binary definition of gender identity.
19:09I thought you might be.
19:11But they'll never believe he's a woman.
19:13I mean, look at him.
19:16You're right.
19:18I know what he needs.
19:19What are you doing?
19:21Boobies!
19:24One in there.
19:26Excuse me, madam.
19:27Chicky.
19:29There we are.
19:30Much better.
19:32As-salamu alaykum.
19:35Wa alaykum as-salam.
19:37If I didn't know any better, Khan Sahib,
19:40I would say you have been avoiding me.
19:46Hello.
19:48Mr Gul, may I introduce you to...
19:52Mrs Malik?
19:54As-salamu alaykum.
19:56I am so sorry for your loss.
20:00She's still too upset to talk.
20:04Of course, I understand.
20:07Mrs Malik is prepared to honour her husband's debt.
20:12Is that so, Mrs Malik?
20:20That is acceptable.
20:23Perhaps when you are ready to move on,
20:26we might get to know each other a little better.
20:31All in good time. All in good time.
20:35This must have come as a bit of a shock.
20:38You're not kidding.
20:39I must say, he looks pretty good.
20:44The undertaker has done a first-rate job.
20:48Wow. Thank you very much.
20:52Oh, God!
20:53I can explain.
20:54I can explain.
20:55I want my money.
20:56Hang on. How do we know that Mr Malik owes you anything?
21:00It's all in here.
21:04Look, I haven't got your money.
21:06Then I will get it from the boy.
21:08He will be at the cemetery,
21:09and I will tell him all about what his daddy was really like.
21:13I can't let you do that.
21:14Really?
21:17I'm going to enjoy this.
21:19No violence, please. This is the house of God.
21:21Shut it, Ron Weasley.
21:24Wait!
21:25Can I just have something for Mrs Khan to remember me by?
21:30Like what?
21:31A selfie?
21:37Say cheese!
21:42Wow.
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