- 8/31/2024
Ricky Gervais should totally have been better friends with Craig, they're great together.
enjoy-joy, that means enjoy.
Tell me if anything is off, I'm however not interested if that thing is your pants.
enjoy-joy, that means enjoy.
Tell me if anything is off, I'm however not interested if that thing is your pants.
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Bye, next guest is a very funny man, he's a comedy genius, he's a season 2 of the show
00:21Derek, he's on Netflix on May and he's in Muppets Most Wanted.
00:29It's in theatres March the 21st, take a look at this, Ricky Gervais everybody, Ricky Gervais.
00:47Look at that, I don't know, they love you, it's the Muppet effect, it's already weird,
01:11it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny,
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06:39it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it
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08:09funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny
08:39Welcome back, everybody, welcome back. I'm here with Ricky Gervais, who's terribly rude, but we'll get through it.
08:46Is this so relaxed? Well, nobody's watching. No. No, I asked your producer what time this goes out tonight, and he said 12.30. I went, that's not even tonight.
08:58No, that's tomorrow. Yeah. This show goes out tomorrow. Tonight's show goes out tomorrow. It used to be called The Tomorrow Show. Did it?
09:06Yeah, I think when Tom Snyder did it in New York, it was called The Tomorrow Show because it was on tomorrow. I couldn't keep track, though.
09:12No, I didn't know were you doing today's or yesterday's. Do you watch Doctor Who? I don't know. Killed that one, didn't it?
09:22Is that really all you had? Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, I'm also a Gryffindor. Good. That tie is pointing.
09:38That's what ties do, that's what they're for. Is it really? Yeah, that's what... I thought, like, necklaces do that to cleavage.
09:43Necklaces are like, here's my boobies, and ties are like, guess what this is. Yeah, but according to Des Moines, boobies are meant to be your arse cheeks. That's what he's saying.
09:52He's going, look at my arse cheeks. Right. But why would you want the one with arse cheeks there? That's odd.
09:57Well, no, it's to represent the arse cheeks. Yeah, but why? We know where the arse is. It's a completely different direction.
10:02Stop doing that with your finger. I'm a doctor. Well, all right, then. Oh, he's falling for that one again.
10:11You have to do that. You're the same age as me. You have to do that now. Yeah. I get it done as often as I can. Yeah, I've done about four or five.
10:17Yeah, yeah. Have you had the camera? No. Well, you've got to have the camera. No, I've done the finger, and it's unpleasant. It's unpleasant for him as well.
10:27I mean, he doesn't think when he chats. So, how's it going? Yeah, how's work? I just want to get it over with, yeah.
10:35And it's just awkward. Once, right, I do a yearly check-up, right, and he had to test my testicles, right?
10:43No, he had to. It wasn't just for fun. He had to, right? So, I was standing like that, my trousers down, and he was sitting down, which was already weird.
10:53He got way – don't you think that's weird? He got comfortable, right? And I'm – no, wait, wait, wait.
11:01So, I'm sort of nervous. I'm always nervous, and I talk too much. One doctor had to tell me to shut up when he was trying to listen to my heart.
11:07He said, you have to shut up, which I – you know, but I'm nervous. And I said something like – he said, okay. I said, what are you actually feeling for there, right?
11:14And because I interrupted him, instead of going, I'm just feeling like – he went, he went, well, I'm – and so I'm there, naked, and now he's not even doing anything.
11:22He's just chatting to me.
11:25Are you sure this is a doctor we're talking about?
11:28Yeah.
11:29Was he dressed as a doctor?
11:30He was dressed as a doctor, yeah.
11:31Not a sailor?
11:32No, he was – yeah.
11:35What do you think, oh, at the YMCA reunion?
11:39Come on in for your check-up.
11:43So, yeah, it is awkward, but you've got to get it done.
11:46Oh, yeah, no, hell no.
11:47You've got to get it done now. You've got to get it done now, apparently.
11:50Go on out somewhere tonight. You'll find someone.
11:55Well, we're out of time, right?
11:59So, um –
12:00Okay, this might be the best chat show ever.
12:02Oh, it is?
12:03It might be.
12:08It's because we share the same high standards.
12:15I know, I know.
12:18It's amazing fun. You do this every day?
12:20Sometimes.
12:21That is amazing.
12:23And you get paid? That's amazing.
12:29Oh, God.
12:31Don't tempt the fates.
12:32That's brilliant.
12:33Awkward pause or meditation?
12:35What do you mean?
12:36Well, that's how we end, awkward pause or meditation, or you could –
12:38Always awkward pause.
12:40Okay.
12:41Should I tell a joke, a punchline of a joke that just falls flat and everyone just goes quiet and it just fades out?
12:45I'll tell you a monologue.
12:54Okay.
12:55Just awkward pause. Let's layer in a little bit of sexual tension.
12:58Okay.
12:59Okay, well, I'll just go, what did I say?
13:04Okay, well, I'll go for the – I won't know what to do, so I'll say goodbye to my doctor, but I just lean in and you go, what are you doing?
13:10Oh, sorry. I was confused.
13:12Thanks very much, doctor. Sorry.
13:30Do you mind if I masturbate?
13:38No.
13:41Thanks, everybody. We'll be right back.
14:01My first guest tonight is a very talented, extremely funny man.
14:04Handsome, too, I think, really.
14:06Very sexy.
14:07Yeah.
14:09Take a look at him.
14:11Ricky Gervais, everybody.
14:12Ricky Gervais.
14:33Oh, damn.
14:40Wow.
14:41Yeah, look at that.
14:44You know, some of these people have been here since last week to see you.
14:48Yeah, they're great. They're fantastic.
14:50Welcome back to these shores, my friend. It's lovely to see you.
14:53It's lovely to be here.
14:54You look very nice.
14:55Do I?
14:56Yeah, you look kind of casual and relaxed, like your sweater, like you've probably gone sailing later.
15:00You mean I've made no effort at all?
15:01Yeah, a little bit.
15:02Looks like, oh, yeah, I better put my shoes on because I've got to go and do that show.
15:05I forgot how uncomfortable this chair is.
15:06I'm so sorry.
15:07Sorry.
15:08Let me try. I'll take that cushion off.
15:09No.
15:10Let me try and take it off.
15:11No, I'm hugging it now.
15:12Do you want the cushion from the other chair?
15:13No, I'm fine. I'm fine like this.
15:15I'm fine like this.
15:16All right, do you want a puppet or a wand or something?
15:18No, I'm fine. Honestly, I'm good.
15:20Okay, well, I don't want you to feel like you're being shortchanged, that's all.
15:23No.
15:24Well, if I was to walk out just wearing a sweater and a pair of jeans that I could have been...
15:36You could have worn a tie, man, is what I'm saying.
15:38No, because I look fat in a suit.
15:40Don't.
15:41Yeah, I like this baggy. I'm getting... I always get fat when I come to America as well.
15:46L.A., New York, I put on about three pounds a week because I eat pasta, because I have to eat pasta.
15:52Why is it?
15:53Because I go to...
15:54Why is it some kind of immigration thing?
15:56No, because I go to Italian restaurants and that's what they do there.
15:59They'll make you eat it.
16:00Yeah.
16:01And then they'll see you coming in and they'll be like,
16:04Do you know what?
16:05What?
16:06Well, you get it as well.
16:07If you're on the telly, they give you free stuff.
16:08I know, it's weird.
16:09When I was poor, they wouldn't give me anything.
16:11I know.
16:12You should never give to poor people.
16:13Give to rich people.
16:14Right.
16:15I wouldn't say I was rich, but I know...
16:16No, no, that's the way it works.
16:18If you're rich on the telly, they give you free stuff.
16:20If you're poor, get out.
16:22Well, you know what?
16:23I think it's because people are frightened
16:24that you're going to be mean about the restaurant on TV.
16:26For example, you know, you would set a scene in a French restaurant
16:29where frogs' legs were openly mocked
16:32by the most beloved character in television for years.
16:35How did that start?
16:36Who first went,
16:37It's a frog, we should eat it.
16:39When did that start?
16:41I think they were bored, you know.
16:43It's a snail.
16:44They're much harder to catch than the snail,
16:45therefore...
16:46Yeah, the snail is easy.
16:47Easy.
16:48You can catch...
16:49Oh, what's that thing you're sitting on?
16:51It's my horse.
16:52Let's eat.
16:53Let's eat, let's eat the horse.
16:54Oh.
16:55Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:56Don't go to France.
16:57Yeah.
16:58Don't go to France.
17:01Didn't they have a problem with that in Britain recently?
17:03People were eating horses unbeknownst to them?
17:05Yeah, I think so.
17:06Yeah.
17:07Yeah.
17:08Yeah, accidentally eating a horse?
17:09Yeah.
17:10Yeah, you've got to be careful with that.
17:11Well, I don't eat beef, so I couldn't eat a horse.
17:12Are you vegetarian?
17:13Nearly, yeah.
17:14What do you mean, nearly?
17:16Well...
17:17Nearly, that doesn't count.
17:18No, I know it doesn't count.
17:19Apart from bacon?
17:21No, I don't...
17:22I don't eat red meat.
17:23I eat fish fingers.
17:25Really?
17:26I understand though.
17:27Fish fingers are delicious.
17:28Yeah.
17:29But I've got...
17:30You know, there's some things I don't eat morally,
17:32like foie gras and stuff, but the rest is, I don't know,
17:35a bit squeamish.
17:36I'm a bit...
17:37I got near...
17:38I've never eaten frog's legs.
17:39No.
17:40But I was in New Orleans, and they...
17:42Straight off the frog?
17:43Yeah, I know.
17:44Just eat the legs and throw the foie gras?
17:46They don't...
17:47It's not just legs.
17:48It's not just legs.
17:49It's not just legs.
17:50It's the...
17:51It's actually...
17:52It's like a pair of tights.
17:53Because it's...
17:55It's the frogs.
17:56You've got me a transvestite frog.
17:58Yeah, yeah.
17:59They've got little...
18:00It's like they're joined...
18:01Their little bodies are there.
18:03You're not a vet, are you?
18:05No, I'm not a vet.
18:06That's true.
18:07I'm not an expert in frog anatomy.
18:11Oh, you found me out!
18:13So, students, the legs are joined to the little body,
18:16and then there's the head.
18:17Good luck.
18:18Good luck.
18:19Good luck.
18:20And that's the story of frogs, everybody.
18:22No, that was so awful, though,
18:24because they looked like they could just, like, fit back on.
18:27What do you mean?
18:28Well, it's not like a chicken leg.
18:29You know what a chicken leg is?
18:30The leg and the rest of the chickens elsewhere.
18:32Oh, you mean it's got a little bit of the thing
18:34so you can see the...
18:35Right, yes, you can see its wiggle machinery.
18:37Do they leave...
18:39Do they leave the...
18:40The junk?
18:41Yeah, the junk.
18:42I don't know, because there was a sort of batter on it.
18:45There was a sort of batter trousers.
18:47I don't...
18:49Batter trousers has to be prison slang.
18:51You know what? Batter trousers.
18:53Batter trousers.
18:54Hey, he's a new kid.
18:55Let's give him batter trousers.
18:57I don't know, though.
18:58The idea of wearing trousers made of batter
19:00appeals to me, like, at the end of the evening.
19:02Everything's better in batter.
19:03Yeah, that's true.
19:04Well, they...
19:05Scotland deep-fry everything.
19:06Deep-fry pizzas.
19:07They deep-fry Mars bars.
19:08Yeah, I've tried them all.
19:09They're not very good.
19:10Why would you, though?
19:11Why would you?
19:12Well, you know, it's cold.
19:15It's cold.
19:16It's cold, isn't it?
19:17You're trying to die as quickly as possible.
19:20It is.
19:21Yeah, it's a very bad day.
19:22Are you very good, then?
19:23Are you, like, you eat well?
19:24No, I don't...
19:25I don't deprive myself of anything.
19:26Then I just have to work out like Rocky.
19:28But it wears you out, so...
19:29I eat and drink too much every night.
19:31And then I go to the gym and everything aches, though.
19:33Because I run, my knee's gone, my shoulder's gone.
19:35You've got to use that machine, then.
19:36Oh, everything's gone.
19:37You know that?
19:38This machine.
19:39Yeah.
19:40The frog leg machine.
19:41Yeah, yeah.
19:42That's the one I do know,
19:43because it doesn't hurt my knees.
19:44I have to do that.
19:45Yeah, I've got to be so careful.
19:46Yeah, you have to.
19:47It's getting older.
19:48We're the same age.
19:49I know.
19:50I know.
19:51Oh, yes, yes.
19:52That's five...
19:53I've had five years of the finger.
19:54Yeah.
19:55I've had five years of the finger now.
19:56Well, you started late.
19:57You start...
19:58In America, you start 40.
19:59No.
20:00Yeah, yeah, you start at 40.
20:01No, the testicles sort of go out the end of the 40s.
20:03Then you're out of that danger.
20:04And then the 50s start the old...
20:06The old...
20:07So...
20:08So now...
20:09That's the exact noise mine makes as well.
20:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:11Right, right.
20:12Okay.
20:14I'm talking about being recognized in Italian restaurants.
20:15Being recognized when you're having that done is great.
20:18So I was having it done once, and it was a doctor, right?
20:22And he'd done all the things.
20:23He goes, um, do you want me to test your prostate?
20:26And I said, yeah, fine.
20:27He said, um, do you need a chaperone?
20:28I went, no, no, fine.
20:29He went, okay.
20:30So he does that, and he went...
20:32Big fan, by the way.
20:39Well, look...
20:42You want him to be a fan if he's doing that.
20:44I know.
20:45But I went, I went, thank you very much.
20:47It's like...
20:48It is a...
20:49It's because I think he's nervous, and I'm nervous.
20:50And you sort of chat.
20:51I always chat when I'm nervous at the doctors.
20:54I think that if I'm keeping them occupied, they won't find anything bad.
20:57Yeah, that's true.
20:58Yeah.
20:59Because I worry about it.
21:00I just had my annual physical.
21:01Is it?
21:02And it was the...
21:03Yeah, that.
21:04And the...
21:05I've had the cameras.
21:06I've had...
21:07Well, you know, it's just a...
21:08Right, okay.
21:09Stop doing that.
21:10No, wait, right?
21:12Why don't they train chimps to do it or something?
21:15A little chimp...
21:16But I'm finished.
21:17I'm interested.
21:18Yeah, yeah.
21:19A little chimp...
21:20So, the doctor goes, do you need a chaperone?
21:22No, no.
21:23But why does he say chaperone?
21:24I meant to ask you about that.
21:25No, because in case you say, oh, he touched me inappropriately.
21:27That's the problem.
21:28His finger...
21:29Uh-oh.
21:30That's inappropriate, isn't it?
21:31Didn't he touch me inappropriately?
21:32Yeah, he shoved his finger...
21:33Tootsie-frootsie.
21:34Yeah, yeah.
21:35It's an inappropriate thing.
21:36Yeah, yeah.
21:37Well, technically, it is, because I was in a fishmonger's.
21:39No.
21:41So, they go, do you want...
21:43Oh, yeah.
21:44Do you want a human...
21:45No, I don't want a human doctor.
21:46And he just goes, okay, bring in Coco.
21:48And in comes a little chimp in a white coat with one glove.
21:51Mm-hmm.
21:52Straight in there.
21:53It'll be lovely.
21:55Hashtag chimp doctor.
21:57Right.
21:58I'm into it.
22:00I think it's good.
22:02What about...
22:03What about other animals, though?
22:05Could you have, like, maybe a sloth do it?
22:07Because they're so...
22:08That would take...
22:09Not bad.
22:10Ages.
22:11Yes.
22:12Yes.
22:13But sometimes the speed of the prostate exam is what I find alarming about it.
22:16Really?
22:17It's like, here it comes, you're going to go...
22:19And then that's it.
22:20What about something that takes about an hour and a half?
22:22You can watch a film.
22:27We should stop talking about this, though.
22:29Yes, we should just stop talking.
22:31All right.
22:32Well, we'll have a commercial break, and when we come back...
22:34Do nothing.
22:35Okay.
22:36Welcome back.
22:37I'm here with Ricky Gervais, everybody.
22:57Welcome back, everybody.
22:58I'm here with Ricky Gervais.
22:59We were talking about the situation in the Middle East and...
23:03Yeah.
23:04You know, that sort of thing.
23:05Putin.
23:06What?
23:07Putin.
23:08Putin.
23:09Yeah, it sounds a bit like Putin.
23:10You know.
23:11For example, a prostate exam, they...
23:12Oh.
23:13No?
23:14No?
23:15Okay.
23:16Never thought of that?
23:17No.
23:18Do you think he's a bit Hitler-y, Putin?
23:19He's a bit Hitler-y, isn't he?
23:20That's what Prince Charles said.
23:21Well, I said it before Prince Charles.
23:22He watches this show, that bastard.
23:24He said, oh, I've just had an idea.
23:26It wasn't his idea.
23:28He was watching this show.
23:31I'm telling you.
23:33Oh, dear.
23:34He was like, oh, yes, because I'm wealthy,
23:37I can afford American television in Britain.
23:39I think the royal family, you know, they think,
23:42well, what would Craig Ferguson do?
23:44Yes.
23:45That's whatever he did.
23:46So if we see Prince Charles on a news programme now going,
23:50and I'd like chimp doctors to come in...
23:52Stop doing that.
23:54I'm sorry.
23:55What is that?
23:56What's up with that?
23:57Yeah, yeah, you'll have to fix it.
23:58What's the point?
23:59What's the point that that's just a finger?
24:00No, no, no.
24:01Once this live show goes in the air,
24:02you won't be saying finger, ooh-la-la, either.
24:04Oh.
24:05You'll be saying, ooh, up the, ooh.
24:07Really?
24:08Yeah.
24:09Really?
24:10I don't know.
24:11Why bleep finger?
24:12Makes it sound dirtier.
24:20Have you met the royals?
24:21You're probably on course to be Sir Richard Gervais.
24:24Actually, Harry and William came to a couple of gigs I did.
24:27Really?
24:28Yeah.
24:29Do you call them that, then, Harry and William?
24:30Are you that, you know?
24:31You don't say, Your Majesty?
24:33No, I don't.
24:34No?
24:35No.
24:36No, they're about seven armed guards,
24:38so I think they're quite secure.
24:41Maybe they were there to steal some of your material,
24:43like Prince Charles did with me.
24:44Yes.
24:45Yes.
24:46I've just had an idea for a show.
24:47It's called Derek, and it's about...
24:51Croissant, croissant.
24:58Oh.
24:59Oh.
25:00You know that thing...
25:01You're mocking me a bit.
25:02No.
25:03No, you weren't.
25:04It's the...
25:05That thing where they say, Dance like nobody's watching.
25:08Yeah.
25:09This is like a chat show.
25:10You're doing it like nobody's watching.
25:13But they are, aren't they?
25:15Eh, some.
25:17Most of them are high or asleep.
25:19What's an example of a bad and professional show?
25:23This...
25:24Do you ever...
25:26Would no-one, if it came upon you...
25:28Do you ever go, Oh, we can't put that out.
25:30It was rubbish.
25:32That's never happened, has it?
25:34No.
25:35No.
25:36There's a bloke over there in a horse costume.
25:41That is a beloved British pantomime tradition.
25:44He's probably a great actor back in there, aren't you?
25:49Hey, hey.
25:50They're a team, they're a team.
25:51You're a great actor.
25:52You're a great actor too, aren't you?
25:55They...
26:03They got this gig and they said,
26:05We'll do this for a week and then we'll do Chekhov.
26:08And they...
26:10And what...
26:11This guy here...
26:12No, don't...
26:13That's a beloved American...
26:14If you keep sitting with your legs like that,
26:16I'm gonna get you some tickets to a Broadway show.
26:19Here.
26:25I can't move it because I'll crush the sloth.
26:30Right, you're a...
26:31Is that a sex thing, crushing the sloth?
26:33That's a sex thing, yeah.
26:34Alright.
26:35You're a...
26:36Is he a gay robot skeleton?
26:38Skeleton, yeah.
26:39I can see he's a skeleton, I can see he's a robot.
26:41His name's Jeff.
26:42But what have you done that's gay?
26:45What's the gayest thing...
26:46Why don't you come over here and I'll show you?
26:49There he is, man.
26:53You know, I can't believe it, but it's true.
26:55We're at the end of it.
26:56Again, I really think we should...
26:57No.
26:58I...
26:59I really...
27:00No.
27:01No.
27:02Do you do that at home?
27:03Yeah.
27:04I do, actually.
27:05Yeah.
27:06You've got a table, you do what you want with it.
27:07Yeah.
27:08I've got a table, I'm doing okay.
27:09I've got a table!
27:10I think we've got about four tables in our house, so...
27:14Score.
27:15Alright.
27:17I remember you when you didn't have a table.
27:19Didn't have a table, yeah.
27:20Well, that was back then.
27:21We made our own tables back then, yeah.
27:23Yeah, Granddad would come in and pretend to be a table,
27:26then Grandma would pretend to be a table.
27:28Those were the days.
27:29Made our own tables.
27:30That's definitely a euphemism, yeah.
27:31What, me?
27:32Making a table?
27:33Yeah, mate, let's make a table.
27:34Yeah.
27:36Hey, he's a new guy.
27:37Let's make him a table.
27:42Why can I...
27:43But why can I do that and not that?
27:45Well, because you can't.
27:47Because you can't.
27:48Imagine if a doctor said,
27:50now I'm going to do it with two fingers.
27:53That's apparently what celebrities get, you know.
28:01Look at your funny language.
28:03What?
28:04Talking about mine.
28:05You look like you've fallen from the balcony.
28:08I've hurt my back.
28:10I've hurt my back.
28:13This is...
28:14This is not a television show.
28:21He's the only one who never thought of it.
28:24Ricky Gervais, everyone.
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