- 8/15/2024
This is Maz Jobrani’s 7th standup comedy special filmed at the World Famous Comedy Store in Los Angeles. In “The Birds and the Bees” Maz covers how he became a regular at the Comedy Store under legendary owner Mitzi Shore. Jobrani also takes on politics, family, and of course, the birds & the bees! We hope you like, comment, and subscribe.
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00:00:00Comedy Store, it is my honor to present the one and only Mr. Maz Jabrani!
00:00:30Wow! Thank you! Oh my God! I'm gonna cry! Stop! Oh my God! You guys are so nice! How
00:00:53are you? Hello, Mayor Jimmy DelShock! Good to see you! How are you? Mayor of Beverly
00:00:58Hills, shut up, motherfuckers! That's right! I don't mess around! Thank you, sir! You guys,
00:01:06I'm so excited to be here, first of all. Thank you so much for all of you for coming out.
00:01:11I dressed in my Miami Vice outfit just for you guys. Don Johnson, look at me now! Hey!
00:01:22Oh my God! You guys, listen, I'm so excited because this comedy special is about 23 years
00:01:28in the making, okay? Yeah, I'll tell you what I mean by that. 23 years ago is when I first
00:01:35came to the Comedy Store and became a regular and became a comedian and disappointed my
00:01:41Iranian immigrant parents. Because they didn't want this shit, you know what I'm saying?
00:01:48Who else has immigrant parents here? Who's got immigrant parents? There we go, of course,
00:01:52of course. What's your background? You, yes. Egypt! And what do you do? Executive Director,
00:02:03you see what I'm saying? That's something to be proud about, okay? Her parents were
00:02:08proud of being Executive Director. I don't even know what she directs, but they're...
00:02:13I don't know, but good for you. Who else had immigrant parents? Immigrant, there you
00:02:17go. What's your... Well, who are your immigrant parents? Also Egyptian! Oh, shit! Clearly
00:02:24it's Egyptian night at the Comedy Store. And you're Egyptian as well? You look like an
00:02:30Egyptian me. Look at you. You bald, beautiful man. Look at you. Look at this. What a good
00:02:38looking Egyptian man over there. What's your name, Egyptian man? Mina, there you go. Oh,
00:02:43yeah, Mina. How are you, Mina? What do you do again? What do you do? Engineer. You see?
00:02:50I'm not even his parent. I'm proud of him. That's what they want, Mina. Not comedian.
00:02:59Mina, 23 years ago, I came to the Comedy Store. A lot of people don't know how you become
00:03:04a regular at the Comedy Store. The way it used to work, Mitzi Shore, who's the owner
00:03:08of the Comedy Store, she started the Comedy Store. She's now since passed away, but she
00:03:11was with us and she started this club 50 years ago. Give it up for Mitzi Shore, first of all.
00:03:20Now, Mina, the way you would become a regular at the Comedy Store, you used to have to go
00:03:24perform in front of Mitzi in the original room. It's the room next door to here. And
00:03:28you do three minutes in front of her. And if she liked you, she would get word back
00:03:32to you that she wants to see you do six minutes. She wouldn't tell you herself. It was like
00:03:36mafia shit, okay? I swear to God, you do your three and if they liked you, somebody
00:03:41in the hallway would be like, all right, come back for six. You'd be like, all right, I'll
00:03:44see you later. And if they liked the six, they'd go come back for ten. And then once
00:03:49you do the ten, she would sit in the back seat by the exit sign and she would watch
00:03:53you. And as you're walking off stage, if she liked you, she would let you know and she
00:03:57would make you a regular. Now, for me, this club, all the legendary comedians had gone
00:04:01through it. Richard Pryor, Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, my hero, Eddie Murphy. He'd been,
00:04:07oh my God. So, I did my three, I did my six, I did my ten. Now, I'm performing in front
00:04:13of Mitzi, of course, starting out. I'm talking about being Iranian. She realizes I'm Middle
00:04:18Eastern. So, I finish my set. I walk off the stage and I'm walking past her. And the whole
00:04:24time, you want her to grab your arm. If she grabs your arm, that means you're going to
00:04:27be a regular. If she lets you walk through, it's like, fuck you. Get out of here. Go be
00:04:32an engineer. No offense. No offense, Mina. Guys, it's about a 20-foot walk. It felt like
00:04:41ten miles. I'm walking by. I'm like, Mitzi, please grab my arm. Please grab my arm. I
00:04:48want to be like Eddie Murphy. Grab my arm. As I'm walking by, her hand comes out, grabs
00:04:53my arm. I go, oh my God, it's happening. And then she pulls me close. She goes, you're
00:04:58very funny. I go, thank you, Mitzi. That's how she would talk. And then she goes, I'm
00:05:02going to make you a regular. I go, thank you, Mitzi. Then she goes, have you ever thought
00:05:06about wearing the outfit? I go, what outfit? She goes, you know the outfit, the hat and
00:05:14the gown. I go, hat and gown? She goes, you know the hat and the gown. I realize, oh shit,
00:05:23she wants me to wear a turban and a dish-dasha on stage because I'm Middle Eastern. So I
00:05:33looked at her. I go, yeah, sure. That's a good idea. Why not? I sort of got, I walked
00:05:40into the hallway. I go, what did I just agree to do? This is bullshit. And for two weeks,
00:05:46I was finding ways to get out of the outfit. And I thought she would forget because she
00:05:49was getting older then. I thought maybe she would forget. On Monday, the booker at the
00:05:53club, her name was Corey, she called me up. She goes, Maz, congratulations. Mitzi told
00:05:57me you're a regular. I go, yes, I am. And she goes, she also told me you're going to
00:06:01wear the outfit. I go, shit. I go, Corey, what happens if I don't wear the outfit? She
00:06:06goes, well, you're not going to get as many spots. I go, okay, all right. So then I had
00:06:10to figure out how to get through this. So then I realized Mr. Delshad, Jimmy Delshad,
00:06:14I remembered. I found out that there was this Iranian guy who had been making fun of the
00:06:19mullahs in Iran, the turban, the leaders of Iran. And he would do it on Persian television.
00:06:25And so word had gotten back to their supporters, there was a guy making fun of them. So this
00:06:29guy was doing some kind of live performance in LA. And some of the supporters of the regime
00:06:34showed up. They threw a rock. And they hit him in an eye. They blinded him in one eye.
00:06:39Yeah, and when I heard that, I go, that's it. I called the club. I go, hey, listen,
00:06:46Corey, I've been looking for the outfit. I got my eyes on some turbans. But I just want
00:06:53you to know, I just found out that there was a guy who was wearing the outfit. And the
00:06:57supporters of the regime showed up. And they threw a rock and blinded him. So I could wear
00:07:01the outfit. But they might come to the club and go after me. And worse yet, they might
00:07:06blow up the club. And then Corey goes, ah, let me call you back. She called me five minutes
00:07:20later. She goes, Mitzi said wear something comfortable. You'll be fine. I got out of
00:07:33wearing the outfit. And now I'm Miami Vice. Look at this. Shit, man. Oh, my God. So the
00:07:40club turned 50 this year. I also turned 50 this year. I also. Thank you. Thank you. Thank
00:07:47you. I just want to point out, I said I turned 50. Not one of you was like, no way. So that's
00:07:52a little fucked up, people. When someone says they're 50, you're supposed to be like, you
00:07:58don't look a day over 49. But you guys were like, oh, you're going to die soon. Who's
00:08:04in their 50s here? Anybody in their 50s? Anybody else? There you go. Beautiful young lady.
00:08:08There you go. What's your name, sir? Blake. Blake. Yes. The white man. How are you, Blake?
00:08:15Blake, the white man. Blake, how old are you? How old are you? Fifty nine. You look great.
00:08:22You see how that worked? Couldn't you have done that to me, you assholes? He looks horrible,
00:08:30but I told him he looks great. I'm kidding. You do look great, Blake. Now, here's my question.
00:08:36You're 59. Did you get the shingle shot? Did you get the shingle shot? You did. Listen.
00:08:42This is what 50-year-olds talk about. I swear to God, Blake, I didn't even know what the
00:08:46shingle shot was. I swear to God. I was talking to some kid. The 20-year-olds have no idea,
00:08:51all right? I told the 20-year-old, I got the shingle shot. He said, shingles are on
00:08:54the roof, bro. I go, no, it's a real thing. I don't even know what it is. I swear to God,
00:09:02Blake, I still don't know what shingles is. I know as soon as I turned 50, they started
00:09:06running that commercial. Have you seen the commercial? It's the worst commercial ever.
00:09:10You're watching TV. He goes, are you 50 or older? I was like, why, yes, I am. He goes,
00:09:17you might get the shingles. Then they show this guy, he's bent over in pain. He's like,
00:09:24and the voiceover is like, you will not be able to do anything with your life. You will
00:09:27stay home. You can't see your family. Then it shows the guy's skin is burning. I don't
00:09:32even know what the fuck's happening. I go, you know what? I went right to the doctor.
00:09:35I go, give me the shingle shot. I don't even know what it is. Give me the shingle shot.
00:09:41I got the shingle shot and I got my fourth COVID shot. Did you guys, you got your fourth
00:09:45COVID? Of course. I forgot I was 50 until I was watching the news and they were like,
00:09:51you know, if you're 50 or older, you can now qualify for your second COVID booster. And
00:09:56I was watching, I go, wow, good for them. And I go, oh shit, good for me. I got my fourth
00:10:06COVID. I got all my shots and I still got Omicron. Who here got Omicron? Who got Omicron?
00:10:11There you go. You got Omicron. You got Omicron. When did you get it, sir? When did you get
00:10:15it? Did you get it recently or like back, like around the, when?
00:10:19January.
00:10:20January. There you go. What's your name, sir?
00:10:22Fred.
00:10:23Fred?
00:10:24Yes.
00:10:25Yes. You got an accent. Where's that accent from, Fred?
00:10:26Stockholm, Sweden.
00:10:27Stockholm, Sweden. Wow.
00:10:28Mr. Rob.
00:10:29I don't know what the fuck he just said back. All I learned is how to say, how are you?
00:10:40And then he's like, I was talking about party. I don't know what he said. I just was like,
00:10:44oh, whatever. Fred, good to see you. Do you live in Stockholm or you live in LA? You're
00:10:49just visiting?
00:10:50Yeah.
00:10:51Fantastic. And he still has his sunglasses because the sun doesn't set till late in Stockholm.
00:10:57He's clearly on Stockholm time. Fred's walking around. The sun will not go down till at least
00:11:0211 o'clock maybe tonight. I'm sorry. That was like a German accent. I don't really know
00:11:07a Swedish accent. My only Swedish accent is her to her to her to her to her to her
00:11:12Swedish chef. You know what I'm talking about, Fred?
00:11:16I got it around the holidays as well. Last December I got COVID. At the time I got Omicron
00:11:22and at the time I had Omicron and I was triple vaccinated. So by the time I was done with
00:11:28it, I had the antibodies and triple vaccine. I felt invincible. I was walking around Los
00:11:35Angeles just licking everything. I was walking into Starbucks. Hello. I would like a Frappuccino
00:11:48and a cookie. Why are you licking the counter? I'm triple vaccinated. And I got antibody.
00:12:02They say the symptoms for Omicron was head cold, lower back pain. Did you feel that Fred?
00:12:06Is that what you had? What were your symptoms? What were your symptoms? Minor. Look at you
00:12:10Swedish cocky motherfucker. This guy. My symptoms were minor like your penis. I got the undertones
00:12:22Fred. I got the undertones. He's just called me a bitch. My symptoms were like that. Very
00:12:28little symptoms like your ding dong. Fred, every variant has had its own symptoms like
00:12:37the original variant, right? You would lose your smell and taste, right? And then of course
00:12:41there was the breathing and then for Omicron, head cold, lower back pain. I wonder what
00:12:46the symptoms are going to be for the next variant. Like shamacron. What would be the
00:12:52symptoms? I'd be like, I can't hear out of my left ear and I have no sensation in my
00:12:59right nut. I got nothing. Well, you got shamacron motherfucker. How do you know? I went to the
00:13:08doctor. He got on his knees, just started flicking my right nut. I couldn't feel it.
00:13:13Told him I got to quarantine it for 10 days. 10 days. I'm going to quarantine my right nut.
00:13:18Blake, when I got Omicron last holidays, they used to say, you have to quarantine for 10 days. I'll
00:13:28be honest with you. I have a wife and kids. Oh my God. It was the best 10 days of my entire
00:13:35marriage. I got to sit in the back room and watch everything on television. HBO, Netflix,
00:13:43Hulu. I subscribed to something called Discovery Plus. I didn't even know what it was. I go,
00:13:49fuck it. I got time. Let me discover some shit. And Omicron was so contagious. When my wife and
00:13:57kids would bring me my food, they would leave it outside the door and they would knock and
00:14:02they would run away. And every time I opened the door, I had to pretend like I was having a worst
00:14:11time alone. I started opening the door. Oh my God. I love you guys. I miss you. I closed the door,
00:14:24get back in bed. Okay. Succession season two. Let's see what happens to the Roy family. Narcos
00:14:34Mexico. Learn some Spanish. I'm fluent. Thank you very much. Halfway through my quarantine,
00:14:46the CDC came out. They go, you only need to quarantine for five days. I told my wife,
00:14:52I said, you can't trust the CDC. 10, 15, at least 20 days. I'll see you in a month. I'll see you in
00:14:59a month. Oh my God. I love you guys. Love you baby. Thank you guys. Thank you. Like I said,
00:15:21I got the shot. I got the shot. Which one did you get? Which shot did you get? You got all four,
00:15:29but like the brand, which Moderna. There you go. Okay. There you go. I'm proud of you. You were
00:15:36like responding to me like I was the LA city health. They're fans of yours right there. There
00:15:42you go. There you go. Are those your doctors? Who are they? Oh, your friends. They're so proud of
00:15:47her. You got the four shots. We're proud of you. What's your name? What's your name? Homera. That's
00:15:53a Persian name Blake right there. Multiple syllables. Homero. Holy shit. And what do you do?
00:16:03What do you do? Currently unemployed. That's fine. That's better than this shit.
00:16:11What were you doing before? Pharmaceutical sales. You go girl. There you go. Drug dealer. Fantastic.
00:16:18Okay. Homero, you got Moderna? Listen, I'll be honest with you. I got Pfizer and you know,
00:16:23people, yeah, people, yes. People who got Pfizer are a little cocky. You know what I'm saying?
00:16:28People who got Pfizer are like, yes, I got Pfizer. I also have an American Express platinum card.
00:16:33Thank you very much. Like Homero, I try not to judge, but I judge.
00:16:40I swear to God. People say I got Moderna. I go, oh, good luck to you.
00:16:43Then I got Johnson and Johnson. I go, you need better health insurance.
00:16:50They go, I got AstraZeneca. I go, when is the funeral?
00:16:57No, I'm happy you got it. I'm happy anybody got their shot. You know, some people we know,
00:17:01some people don't want to get their shot. We all have that friend that didn't want to get the shot
00:17:05because he was afraid the government was going to put a chip in him.
00:17:09I heard that. I go, who the fuck do you think you are?
00:17:13That the government of the United States is concerned with what you're doing Tuesdays at two?
00:17:21Who do you think you are? The CIA? I don't know. I wonder what Tommy does every Tuesday at two.
00:17:26Let's put a chip and find out. You know how disappointed they would be after two weeks?
00:17:33This motherfucker has been sitting on a couch watching TikTok videos.
00:17:36Can we get the chip back?
00:17:41By the way, if you have a friend who thinks they're going to put a chip in them,
00:17:44let them know they already have it. It's called your phone, right? They know what we're doing,
00:17:49right? If you don't believe me, try buying a pair of shoes on your phone. See what happens.
00:17:55I started at Homera a year ago. I bought a pair of Nikes on my phone.
00:18:00Every time I turn on my phone, it asks me if I want a Nike.
00:18:02The other day, I got on my phone, went on Safari. Right away, it goes, you want a Nike?
00:18:06I go, no thanks. I already have a Nike. I did three scrolls. It goes, how about now?
00:18:12I go, motherfucker, I told you above. I don't want the Nike.
00:18:15Then every app got in on it. I checked the weather. It goes, it's going to be hot. Buy a Nike.
00:18:22I got directions on Waze. It goes, make a left. Get a Nike.
00:18:26I got so worried. I called my wife. I said, what's the weather like? She goes,
00:18:31I got so worried. I called my mom. I go, mom, some weird stuff is going on with my phone.
00:18:36She goes, you want a Nike?
00:18:44I go, you too? She goes, Maz, I go, what? She goes, just do it.
00:18:52That's the tagline for Nike. Yes. Thank you. Every time I do that joke, I get a dollar from Nike.
00:18:59Thank you. I'm kidding. My mom had an accent in that joke because, as you guys know, like I said,
00:19:07I'm Iranian and my wife is Indian. Are there any Indians tonight? There we go. Thank you,
00:19:12all three, four, five. That's how they multiply. You see how that worked? We had four, all of a
00:19:17sudden five. By the end of the show, one billion will be in here, you guys. My people right there,
00:19:22my cousins. Guys, check this out. I'm Iranian. My wife's Indian. All right. Now, I got a theory.
00:19:28Who else here is in a mixed relationship? There you go. What's the mix? What's the mix? What do
00:19:34we got? Black and white. Thank you very much, sir. He looked at me like I'm so stupid.
00:19:41This asshole, black, white.
00:19:48You're so fucking stupid. You can't see?
00:19:51Are you guys married? You have kids? You have kids? Okay, this is getting complicated now.
00:19:57He said, I have kids. The white lady did not contribute at all.
00:20:03What's your name, my man? Jonathan. So, here's my theory. My theory is, if you have kids with
00:20:09your wife when you're in an interracial relationship, when it comes time to name your
00:20:12kids, there's a whole negotiation that begins. It's a compromise. You know what I'm saying?
00:20:16The example I like to do usually is, I say, let's say you're a Mexican guy actually married to a
00:20:20Swedish woman, let's say, right? Let's say you have a kid, right? You, right away, your son,
00:20:24you go, I want to name him Jose. The Swedish wife would be like, I want to name him Ikea.
00:20:33They compromise, Jos-kea. You see how that works? So, when my son was born, I went to my Indian
00:20:43So, when my son was born, I went to my Indian wife out the gate. I started with a nice Persian
00:20:47Muslim name right out the gate. Went to my wife, my Indian wife. I go, hey, how about Mahmood?
00:20:55That's strong. That's strong, right? She came back. It was a negotiation. She comes back. She goes,
00:20:59how about, go fuck yourself? I said, is that a very common Indian name?
00:21:12I go, would his nickname be go fuck or yourself?
00:21:19Then it was a negotiation. I went back. I go, how about Mohammed?
00:21:23She goes, asshole, I want him to travel. I go, oh, okay. Yeah, Mohammed's not a good name at the
00:21:30airport. That's not a good one. So, then I found a nice neutral Persian name, Dara. D-A-R-A. Great
00:21:37name, right? Nobody knows what it is, right? But then she wanted to Indianize it, so she added a
00:21:43silent H after the D. So, now it's spelled D-H-A-R-A. Looks Indian, is Iranian. You see, right?
00:21:54She's happy, I'm happy. That's it. That's how the negotiation works. But my favorite thing is when
00:22:00we go to the parent-teacher conferences, oh my God, white people. You guys are so nervous about
00:22:07messing up ethnic names. It's the most entertaining shit, because the teachers don't know what to do
00:22:13with the silent H in Dara. And they don't want to mess it up. They don't want to offend us. So, we
00:22:18walk in. I see his white teachers. They're sweating bullets. And they start saying his name, hoping
00:22:25that we'll help them out. They're like, you know, your son, D-H-A-D-J-A-D-K. I go, there's no Kha.
00:22:42Where'd you see the Kha? The H is silent. White people, every time you see an H in a Muslim name,
00:22:47you start going Kha. There's no Kha. I told her, relax. I did the H for my Indian wife. I wanted
00:22:53Mohammed. She goes, you mean Mohammed? There's no Kha. When the lockdown first happened, I went
00:23:05online and I googled to find out if comedians are essential workers. That's not the joke, you bastards.
00:23:15That's the set up to the punchline. How dare you laugh? No, because we couldn't tour. We couldn't do
00:23:24anything. We had to come up with things to do. Like, Blake, we had to come up with, like, I tried to
00:23:27become an influencer. I swear to God, I didn't even know what it was. I went and bought a ring light. I
00:23:33didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know what an influencer was until Dara, my son, he told me
00:23:39about it. I was walking with him in the streets. He saw this influencer. He lost his mind. We're
00:23:45walking. Dara sees the influencer. He's like, oh my God, that's Sven Svensson. I go, who the hell is
00:23:53Sven Svensson? He's an influencer. He's got 5 million followers on YouTube. He makes 10 million
00:24:00dollars a year. I go, what does he do? He opens boxes. What the fuck?
00:24:11And then Dara said hi. The guy says hi back. Dara goes, he's so nice.
00:24:17I go, of course he's nice. He's making 10 million a year opening boxes.
00:24:22You want to see an asshole? Go to the UPS store. There's a guy closing boxes right now.
00:24:26Pissed off that he's doing the wrong thing with boxes.
00:24:31Your package will get there when it gets there. Next in line. Go to FedEx. Get out of here.
00:24:40We didn't know what to do. We couldn't tour. My agents were like, now during the lockdown is a
00:24:45good time for you to build your social media. You need to post more videos on Instagram. Who
00:24:50here's on Instagram? Who's on Instagram? There you go. Yes. I don't know about you guys, but
00:24:54every time I post a video on Instagram, I lose 250 followers. I don't know where they're going.
00:25:03I'm like, where are you going? Stay.
00:25:07What's your name? What's your name? Elizabeth. You have an accent too. Where are you from,
00:25:11Elizabeth? Venezuela. Bienvenidos. I don't know why I became a bullfighter. That was weird.
00:25:21Hello Venezuela. Are you also Venezuelan? Persian. Oh shit. There you go. And you guys are a couple.
00:25:28Fantastic. Way to go. Wow. You're both enemies of America and you got together.
00:25:36Yes. These two met at an oil embargo meeting.
00:25:44She saw him. Are you also going to keep the oil for yourself? Yeah.
00:25:47He's like, definitely. I'm not going to give it to America. Fantastic. The prices will go up.
00:25:56So Elizabeth and your name? Amir. What is it? Amir. Fantastic. There you go, buddy.
00:26:02But you guys aren't married, are you? No. Okay. So the names, just keep in mind,
00:26:08it's going to happen. I'm telling you. Now, Elizabeth, you said you are on Instagram, right?
00:26:14So what's that? Oh, you see me on Instagram? Oh, fantastic. Thank you for following on Instagram.
00:26:19Here's my question. Do you read the comments when you post anything? Do you read the comments?
00:26:23You do? These ladies are like, yes, we read the comments. God damn it.
00:26:28Clearly, they're the ones who are writing. This is bullshit. Okay. I can't believe.
00:26:33The key, Fred, the key is not to read the comments because you'll be disappointed.
00:26:38I swear to God. No, because usually there's a comment start pissing you off. Let me tell you
00:26:41what happened. This is what happened. I decided to eat right, exercise, lose a little bit of weight.
00:26:46Then I thought maybe I will post the weight loss on my Instagram page. I can inspire my followers
00:26:51to lose weight with me. So I ran. I ate right. I got on the scale. I took a picture. I posted it.
00:26:59Started reading the comments. First comment, dude, your toes are ugly.
00:27:05You motherfucker. Second comment. Why do you have purple shins? You might have coronavirus. I go,
00:27:13what the fuck? Third comment. Want a Nike?
00:27:24I go, mom, get off my Instagram.
00:27:27Mom, get off my Instagram.
00:27:33Now I'm all over social media. I'm on Instagram. I'm on YouTube. I'm on Facebook. I'm on TikTok.
00:27:39I don't even know what I'm doing on TikTok. TikTok is like three second videos. I don't
00:27:44know what I'm doing. Okay. When I first started doing stand up back in the day,
00:27:4823, 24 years ago, they used to say, you need to film a one hour comedy special. You put it on HBO.
00:27:54People discover you. Your career takes off. Then a few years later, they go, you got to take five
00:27:58minutes of the one hour. You put it on YouTube. People discover you. Career takes off. Then they
00:28:04go, you got to take one minute of the five minutes you put on Instagram. People discover you. Career
00:28:08takes off. Now they say, you got to take three seconds of the one minute. You put it on TikTok.
00:28:16People discover you. Career takes off. I told Dara, I go, Dara, I don't even know what to do
00:28:22in three seconds. I told my son, I go, for three seconds, all I can say is hello, goodbye.
00:28:29He goes, that's perfect.
00:28:35I go, how low is the attention span of your generation? He goes, what?
00:28:41Didn't even last. Yeah. You guys. You guys are awesome. Oh, my God.
00:28:58Been a crazy couple of years. Comedians had to do Zoom comedy shows. Yeah, holy shit. Who else?
00:29:07Who else? You guys did business on Zoom. Who else did? Yeah, there you go.
00:29:10There you go. What's your name, sir? Josefa. Oh, wow. What's your background?
00:29:17Indian. Shit, I've never heard Josefa. Did you have a Mexican parent?
00:29:25It's what I said before. Clearly, the negotiation happened.
00:29:31Right? The father wanted Jose, the mother wanted Farouk, they went Josefa.
00:29:39That's how that works. That's how Josefa.
00:29:48What were you doing on Zoom? What's your occupation?
00:29:52You work for Johnson and Johnson. Holy shit. Holy shit.
00:29:57This guy. Moderna, you can look down on him now. There you go.
00:30:05You're like, Josefa, I don't know about this.
00:30:09Josefa, I don't know how many meetings you have to do on Zoom and what you do on Zoom. When I'm
00:30:13on Zoom, we had to do comedy shows, all right? Every time I'm on Zoom, I try to watch everybody
00:30:18else who's in the Zoom meeting, but inevitably, my eyes work their way back to my face.
00:30:24And I start noticing every fault on this fucking face. I swear to God, they were pitching a TV
00:30:30show to me. I was listening. All of a sudden, I look over, I go, holy shit. When did I get so old?
00:30:38I go, look at these wrinkles. I got crow's feet. I don't know where my eyebrows go. I have no
00:30:42eyebrows. I don't know how I was this bald. Holy shit. That's a big nose. What the fuck?
00:30:52I wonder if it's smaller. It's bigger this way.
00:30:59Josefa, by the end of the meeting, the guy goes, what do you think of the TV show? I go,
00:31:03I think I need plastic surgery. And I thought about getting it. I did, because I found,
00:31:13listen, I found out if you want your eyelids to open, you go to the plastic surgeon. They pull
00:31:18your skin back, so your eyes open. I thought maybe the guy could pull my skin back,
00:31:23give me some thick eyebrows, thin nose, some white teeth, some nice hair, right? And the key
00:31:29to getting work done, I found out, you're not supposed to admit you had work done, right?
00:31:33So I'd be walking around Los Angeles all shiny. People would be like, Maz, did you get work done?
00:31:39I'd be like, no. I've been juicing.
00:31:47How come you have a big ass? That's elderberry juice.
00:31:53Why do you have breasts? That's turmeric, turmeric.
00:31:55Oh, my God. You know who I was jealous of during the pandemic was doctors. Are there
00:32:09any doctors in the house? Any doctors? There we go. What kind of doctor are you, young lady? What
00:32:14kind? Gastroenterologist. There you go. GI, right? Fart doctor, right? It's the best.
00:32:23You got a lot of clients tonight. The Persians are here. We have a lot of gaseous.
00:32:28The Indians, you know what a Curry's, you're going to have a lot. Just
00:32:31start panning out business cards on the way out. Venezuela, yeah. Spicy, some shit.
00:32:39You know, I was jealous of doctors. Doctors were doing Zoom consults
00:32:43during the pandemic. Did you do Zoom consults? You were there. Look at you with the mask. You
00:32:49were brave. Look at you. Give it up for her saving lives. Yes.
00:32:57My friend told me you could get a Zoom consult physical. And I was like, how does that even
00:33:03happen? Because usually the doctor's got to touch you to make sure you're okay.
00:33:07How does that work? What do you get on the Zoom with the doctor? He goes, okay,
00:33:10Maz, welcome to your annual checkup. Let's get started. Okay, I need you to grab your balls and
00:33:16cough. Are you feeling anything strange? No? Okay. Stick your finger up your ass.
00:33:31Anything at all? No? Okay. Do the copay on the way out. You'll be fine.
00:33:40I was so jealous of doctors. I should have been a doctor. I should have been a doctor.
00:33:44Have you ever heard anybody say that to you before? People say stupid shit like that. I'm
00:33:49happy you haven't heard it because some people will see like a doctor in a nice car. They go,
00:33:52I should have been a doctor. Like it's a weekend extension course.
00:33:59What's your name, doc? What's your name? Melanie. I knew I couldn't be a doctor
00:34:05from the fifth grade. Yeah. When they brought that frog out. Remember the frog?
00:34:10Guys, remember the frog in the fifth grade? They brought out a dead frog.
00:34:14Melanie was pinned to a tray with his arms out just like Jesus.
00:34:23The most disgusting shit I've ever seen. And they doused him in formaldehyde. They put him in front
00:34:30of me. I raised my hand. I go, teacher, what do you want me to do with the frog?
00:34:33She goes, cut it open. I go, fuck that. You cut it open.
00:34:37That's the day I knew I was not going to be a doctor. That's the day I became a comedian.
00:34:43I swear to God, I went to the other side of the room. I just started telling jokes.
00:34:48Right away, I go over, I go, knock, knock. They go, who's there? I go, not the frog.
00:34:54He's dead. He's dead in formaldehyde.
00:34:59He's dead in formaldehyde.
00:35:04I'll be honest with you. The pandemic also made me realize I could never be a doctor.
00:35:09Because as soon as we could get those masks, the disposable blue masks, we bought some of
00:35:15the disposable blue masks. I put it on with my big ass ears. Those things were hurting my ears so much.
00:35:23I couldn't last five minutes in Whole Foods. My wife sent me to Whole Foods to go shopping.
00:35:27Remember early on in the pandemic, you'd get dressed up in a homemade hazmat suit.
00:35:33Dishwashing gloves, ski goggles, and the fucking mask.
00:35:38I'd be walking around. I couldn't last five minutes in Whole Foods. I was like, this is bullshit.
00:35:44I'm just going to get the dried mangoes. I will come back for the quinoa. This is bullshit.
00:35:49My ears are hurting. I would run into the car, take off all my gear, start eating my
00:35:55dried mangoes. Oh my god, my ears are hurting. I couldn't last five minutes in Whole Foods.
00:36:01Meanwhile, doctors will operate on somebody for eight hours wearing the mask. They'll be in the
00:36:08operating room. They get started. Scalpel! They cut the guy open. And then hammer! I don't know.
00:36:20Blender! I don't know. I'm cooking at this point.
00:36:25Halfway through the surgery, the nurse will be like, doctor, do you want a mask break? No, god damn it.
00:36:31We're here to save a life. I'll be here for eight hours. My ears will suffer.
00:36:36If I were the doctor, five minutes in. Guys, he's not gonna make it. I gotta go. This is bullshit.
00:36:43I have dried mangoes in the car. Let's go, guys.
00:36:46I also got a cold during the coronavirus. You can't get a cold during the coronavirus because
00:36:58everyone would think you had the coronavirus, right? Like getting a cold during the coronavirus
00:37:03is what it felt like being Muslim after September 11th. Yeah, everyone thought you're guilty,
00:37:11right? Like Asians is what it felt like being Asian during the coronavirus.
00:37:16They were blaming it on Asians, right? White people is what it felt like being white
00:37:20after January 6th. That was your day, motherfuckers.
00:37:29I remember, Blake, I was watching the news. I go, oh shit, they got terrorists too?
00:37:35I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Patriots. Patriots. Patriots. White people have very funny names
00:37:41for their criminals. Your terrorists become patriots. Your drug dealers become pharmaceutical
00:37:46reps. Your killers become lone wolves. Like what's a lone wolf? He's a killer who's white.
00:37:59My favorite day was January 7th when they wouldn't let those motherfuckers get on the airplanes.
00:38:05Don't know if you've seen the videos. Go home and watch the videos. These guys had the nerve.
00:38:09They attacked the capital on January 6th. They had the nerve to go to the airport the next day,
00:38:13try to get on the plane. They were at the airport crying. Do you see the videos? They're like,
00:38:17this is bullshit, man. They won't let me on the plane, man. I have my boarding pass and
00:38:23I chose my meal. They're not letting me on the plane, man. I was watching. I go,
00:38:28welcome to my world, motherfuckers. They haven't let my people on planes for 20 years.
00:38:39My cousin Mahmoud is still walking across the country.
00:38:46I go, by the way, when they didn't let the Muslims on the planes, we didn't cry.
00:38:50We didn't cry, okay? We just walked away. We're like, okay, fine.
00:38:55I will just hijack the next plane. That's how you do it.
00:39:05I've been following the whole January 6th. I don't know if you heard about it,
00:39:07but obviously they put a lot of the people who stormed the capital, they put them in jail.
00:39:12And a lot of them, when they were caught, they said that they didn't mean to storm the capital.
00:39:16They got caught up in the moment. What kind of stupid ass,
00:39:22bullshit, white privilege excuse is that? Because I don't know about you guys,
00:39:28but I've never been outside of a bank just using an ATM.
00:39:31Looked over, seen a bank robber run by, made eye contact. Let's do this shit, motherfuckers.
00:39:44Go in front of the judge, your honor, I'll be honest with you, I got caught up in the moment.
00:39:51I was going for $20, decided to go for 20,000. What the hell? These things happen, your honor.
00:40:02I've been following, I've been watching the January 6th hearings. I don't know if you guys have or not,
00:40:07but I don't care what side you're on, right or left, you should watch them. They're very
00:40:10entertaining. It's the best TV show on television. My favorite episode was that one where that girl,
00:40:16Cassidy Hutchinson, came out and she said, remember her? She came out, she said Trump
00:40:21tried to choke his secret service agent. And the people on the right were like,
00:40:25no way. And the people on the left were like, yeah, way.
00:40:29But I'm thinking, you know what's interesting? We all as a country, we heard that Trump tried
00:40:32to choke his secret service agent. All of us were like, yeah, it's possible.
00:40:38That's how crazy he is. In the past, if you heard like President Eisenhower choked his
00:40:43secret service agent, no way. He's very stately, he would never do that.
00:40:48But you hear Trump, you're like, that could have happened, definitely could have happened.
00:40:52If you heard Biden choked his secret service agent, you'd be like, how old was the secret
00:40:56service agent? How old was the guy? Oh my God. During the whole lockdown, I was trying to
00:41:12exercise, running a lot. And now that I'm 50, like I'm getting injuries, so I got to start speed
00:41:16walking. You guys know speed walking, right? A lot of immigrant dads speed walk. I don't know
00:41:24if Mexican dad, do Indian dads speed walk? Yes, speed walking is their thing, all right?
00:41:29My dad speed walking for you guys, it's like where the lower body moves, upper body straight.
00:41:37And they're very angry that this is bullshit. Why did I come to this country?
00:41:41I had to leave my country to come here and walk these streets. This is bullshit.
00:41:47My dad used to speed walk and he used to take us with him
00:41:52to go speed walking when I was like eight years old. On a Saturday, I'd be asleep. My dad, come
00:41:57on, wake up. We're going to go speed walking. I was like, dad, I'm eight years old. I'm trying
00:42:01to sleep. We're going to go speed walking. We go out to speed walk. He was twice my size.
00:42:06So he would just walk away from me. And I think that's how immigrant dads spent quality time with
00:42:12their kids. Yeah. They would take you out and walk away because they wanted to tell you that life is
00:42:19hard. Right? They'd be like, come on, son, keep up. There might be a revolution. You have to
00:42:24escape. Let's go. Keep up. This is training for the next revolution. Keep up. And then I realized
00:42:36we weren't there just to speed walk with our dads and our immigrant dads, but also we were their
00:42:42therapists. Yes, because immigrant dads don't go to therapy. They're macho men. I don't care where
00:42:48you're from. Venezuela, Iran, India, Mexico. Immigrant dads don't go to therapy.
00:42:57The kids are the therapists. Once in a while, we're walking. My dad would just unload on me.
00:43:03I swear to God. One time I was walking with my dad. Come on, son, keep up. I go, dad,
00:43:09wait up. Keep up, son. Dad, wait up. Son, son, come here, son. Your mother, bitch.
00:43:14I go, oh, shit. I think we just had a breakthrough. That was good.
00:43:24Your next session is going to be free. That was really good.
00:43:32It was a different world. Different world. Parenting was different.
00:43:36Like our parents didn't do like birds and the bees. Josefa, did your Indian dad do? No.
00:43:43Didn't even know what it meant. I asked my Persian dad, I go, can you do the birds and
00:43:47the bees? He goes, son, we don't have birds and bees. We have lawyers and doctors.
00:43:55And I hope you be one.
00:44:02You know how I learned about the birds and the bees? This is how I learned. When I was in the
00:44:05seventh grade, my friend David was walking home one day from school. He found three grocery bags
00:44:11filled with Playboys just outside by the garbage. That's how they used to do it back in the day.
00:44:17When the guy was done, he would pay it forward.
00:44:21Yeah, he was done with his Playboys. He'd leave it outside. He's like, some pervert will find this
00:44:27and make use of it. David came up to me, goes, listen, I got three bags of Playboys. You want
00:44:32one? I go, of course I want a bag of Playboys. I took it home. I taught myself the birds and the
00:44:37bees. I was very good at it. Thank you very much. Thank you. But then also having the immigrant
00:44:46entrepreneurial mentality, six months later, I took the bag to school and sold it to all the other boys.
00:44:56Made a profit, bought my first house. Thank you very much.
00:44:59Nobody did birds and the bees. Now we got to do birds and bees. I stumbled into the birds and the bees.
00:45:08Who's got young kids here? Who's got young kids? Anybody? There you go. How old are your kids?
00:45:1412 and 18. There you go. How old are your kids? 17. Did either of you do birds and bees with your
00:45:20kid, the sex talk? Did you do it? You did, right? And you kind of did, right? You were like, here,
00:45:25let me get you started. Right? You're like, here's a man, here's a woman, and here's a magazine. Go
00:45:32figure it out. No, listen, I didn't even mean to. I didn't mean to do the birds and the bees. I
00:45:41stumbled into it because we read books as parents now. We read books. And the book says if your kids
00:45:46ever ask you a question, answer them honestly. That's what you got to do, right? So I was watching
00:45:51when my daughter was 8 and my son was 10. I was watching a TV show with them. First of all, as
00:45:56your boy gets into his, like, teenage years, boys get a little spaced out. Like, Dara's a smart guy,
00:46:02but he's a little just, oh. And girls are sharp. You're sharp. My daughter is, like, CSI, FBI, CIA,
00:46:12all combined. She is paying attention. Guys, we were watching the TV show Blackish. Great show,
00:46:22right? Blackish. First episode of the whole show. I didn't know this was going to happen. I'm
00:46:27watching with the kids. First episode of the whole, first scene of the whole show. The father
00:46:32walks into his high school son's room. He opens the door, and the high school son is about to
00:46:37masturbate. Like, he's about to pull his underwear down. The dad opens the door, and he sees it. He
00:46:41goes, oh, and he walks out. And the son goes, oh, and he jumps on the bed. My son doesn't even notice.
00:46:49My son, he's just, oh. My daughter, right away, she goes, what just happened?
00:47:00I go, what just, what just, what just happened? Like, what just happened, like, on TV or in the
00:47:04world? In the world? She goes, no, what just happened on TV? And the whole time, I'm like,
00:47:11be honest, be honest, be honest, be honest. I go, baby, this is what happened. Okay,
00:47:17this is what happened. I go, okay. What happened was, you know, the kid is in high school,
00:47:22and the father walked in the room, and he was in his underwear, and it was embarrassing,
00:47:25so the father walked out. And she goes, oh, okay. I go, thank God I just dodged the bullet.
00:47:32Very next scene, the father goes into the mother. He goes, hey, I just caught our son playing with
00:47:37himself. Again, my son just, oh. My daughter, she goes, what does that mean? I go, what does that
00:47:50mean? She goes, yeah, what does that mean? I go, what is that, that, what is that? Okay, okay, be
00:47:53honest, be honest, be honest, be honest. I go, what that means, I go, what that, okay, playing with
00:47:57it, what that means, playing with it, what that means, what that means, playing with yourself.
00:48:01What that means is, once in a while, once in a while, when boys are in high school, they just,
00:48:05they just, they just squeeze their pee-pee, just a little squeeze. Just a poo-poo-poo-poo,
00:48:10just a poo-poo-poo-poo, just a little poo-poo-poo-poo. Poo-poo-poo-poo.
00:48:14She looked at me like, what the fuck? I go, no, it's just a little, just a poo-poo-poo-poo,
00:48:22just a little poo-poo-poo, just a poo-poo-poo. And then she goes, did you do it?
00:48:29I go, listen, we don't have birds and bees. We have lawyers and doctors. Stop asking questions.
00:48:46It's just ongoing. And in the middle of all that, we got a pandemic puppy.
00:48:53Anybody else here get a pandemic puppy? There you go. You got one. You got one. Which kind did you
00:48:58get? Chihuahua. There you go. You guys live together. Fantastic. You said no. You said yes.
00:49:06Some weird shit's happening right now because Amir thinks they live together.
00:49:11Elizabeth's like, no, motherfucker. You don't pay rent.
00:49:14You guys got a Chihuahua together though, right? So here's the check. Was it your first dog or you
00:49:18had a dog before? Yeah. See, I'd never had a dog. I'd never had a dog before the pandemic because
00:49:24again, a lot of cultures aren't dog people. Like when I was a kid in Iran, like I wanted a dog.
00:49:29Iranians weren't big dog people when I was in Iran. Right, Mr. Delsha? We weren't big. When I was a
00:49:34kid, I asked my dad for a dog. He got me a rooster. He got me a rooster. He got me a rooster.
00:49:41He got me a rooster. I swear to God, I'm not making it up. Every once in a while, I hear
00:49:51and my dad, that's your dog. That's your dog.
00:49:55I went to school. They go, draw a dog. I drew a rooster because this guy's a fucking idiot.
00:50:02Then we came to America. America, everybody's got a dog. Americans love their dogs. So when I came
00:50:06to America, we came when I was six. At the age of seven, I wanted a dog. So I went to my dad.
00:50:11Again, my dad, I wanted a dog. Again, my dad, macho Persian man. Didn't even know how he could
00:50:17go about getting a dog. So I had another friend who was another macho Persian dude who had two
00:50:22dogs. So he goes to that guy. He goes, hey, listen, you have two dogs. Give me one dog.
00:50:26And the guy's like, sure. Take dog. Not one of them thought for one minute that these two dogs
00:50:38have grown up together. They're going to miss each other. Yeah. Don't all the dog on me.
00:50:44I was seven years old. This dog showed up. It was the saddest dog you've ever seen. Oh my God. You
00:50:50don't even know. I would try to take him for a walk. Come on, lassie. Let's go for a walk.
00:50:55He was like, fuck you. My name's not Lassie. I'm going to stay home and listen to sad music.
00:51:02Hello, darkness, my old friend.
00:51:07After two days, my dad goes, listen, dog doesn't like you. Give dog back.
00:51:13I go, but I like the dog. Don't dog doesn't like you. Give dog back. I go, I want the dog. He
00:51:17goes, you're lucky you can give dog back. Your mother doesn't like me. I can't give her back.
00:51:23Give dog back. So we gave the dog back and I didn't have a dog until the pandemic.
00:51:31I was sitting there with my wife and kids. I have a request. Wives, girlfriends, please
00:51:35don't ask your husbands a question when you've already made up your mind on the answer.
00:51:41This is bullshit. You guys do this all the time, right? Like you'd be sitting around,
00:51:47right? Someone a little, yeah, you're ready. There you go. Those two guys are upset.
00:51:50Those two guys are upset. You know what I'm saying? You'll be sitting around
00:51:53and then your wife will be like, should we get sushi for dinner?
00:51:58Right? And you'll be like, you know, I'm not in the mood for sushi. They'll be like,
00:52:02you're never in the mood for, when are you ever in the mood?
00:52:05If you want the sushi, get the fucking sushi. I'll eat whatever you give me.
00:52:12My wife pulled that shit with the dog. We're watching TV. My wife goes, should we get a dog?
00:52:17I go, babe, I don't know if it's the right time for a dog. There's a pandemic, there's protests,
00:52:23there's an election. It's not the right time. She goes, you never say it's the right time.
00:52:27When is it ever going to be the right time? I go, woman, if you already know you want the dog,
00:52:31then why are you asking my, just get the fucking dog. And then she pulls this bullshit. She goes,
00:52:36let's just go look at the puppies. What kind of bullshit?
00:52:41Wife negotiating tactic, Indian negotiating. I don't know what that was.
00:52:47Who just looks at a puppy? What kind of Disney villain would I have to be
00:52:55to just look at a puppy
00:53:00and not bring it home? Right? Who sees the puppy? I don't want the puppy.
00:53:05Destroy the puppy. Oh hell no. We saw the puppy. We brought her home.
00:53:12Little mini golden doodle. Yeah, I know. I know. My wife, colors, apricot. Okay. She's cute.
00:53:21She looks like a little teddy bear. My wife named her Yasu. It's a Japanese name. Thank you.
00:53:26One person likes the name. Thank you. My wife, so it's a Japanese name. It means peace.
00:53:32My wife, so it's a Japanese name. It means peaceful. So now I'm Iranian. My wife is Indian.
00:53:38Our dog is Japanese. Our nanny is Guatemalan. Our neighbor is Korean. I could run a goddamn
00:53:44immigration office out of my kitchen right now. And I've learned a lot since we had the dog. For
00:53:50one thing I learned, I learned Japanese and Koreans don't get along. Did you know this?
00:53:55I didn't know this till I was walking with Yasu. My little Japanese dog came upon my Korean neighbor.
00:54:01She goes, what's your dog's name? I go, it's Yasu. In Japanese it means peaceful. She goes,
00:54:05that's interesting because Yasu in Korean means beast. I go, well that's interesting because my
00:54:11dog is peaceful. She goes, you don't want beast? I go, I'm good. And then she walked away angry.
00:54:17And I was like, what the hell? Why was she upset? I went to my wife. I go, why was the neighbor so
00:54:20upset? She goes, you idiot. They don't get along. What do you care? Just tell her it's beast.
00:54:25So the next time I saw her, I said, listen, my bad. The dog is actually Korean. She's beast.
00:54:30And my neighbor was like, oh, very good. So she walked away. And then I kept walking and I ran
00:54:34into some Greek guy. He goes, oh, your dog's name is Yasu. In Greek, Yasu means hello. I go, Jesus
00:54:41Christ, we're going to start World War III over this dog's name. I'm just trying to get her to
00:54:46take a shit so I can go home and take a nap. So now her name is hello, you peaceful beast.
00:54:53That's it. Yeah. And I'll be honest with you guys. I've embraced, I love my dog now. I'm
00:55:02telling you, Elizabeth, I walk that dog. When I pick up dog shit, I feel more American than I
00:55:07ever have. That's what we do in America. We pick up dog shit. I feel more American picking up dog
00:55:12shit than when I got my citizenship paper. I pick up the dog shit. I hold it to the sky. I talk to
00:55:18my dad, father, I finally have a dog. I'm American, father. Because let's face it,
00:55:24Americans love their dogs, right? They hate their parents, but they love their dogs.
00:55:30A dog shit, they pick it up. The parents shit, retirement home.
00:55:35Or Florida, same shit. You know what I'm saying?
00:55:37So you guys, so Yasu has this little pet, stuffed pet monkey that she likes to play with. She'll
00:55:45put it in her mouth and she'll come to you and she'll wag her tail and she'll whimper,
00:55:50which means let's play. So she'll show up, she'll be like, which means chase me. So one night I was
00:55:56at home, I was working on a project. I was working on a project. I was working on a project. I was
00:56:02working on a project. Which means chase me. So one night I was at home, I was washing dishes
00:56:08and Yasu walks in with the monkey in her mouth and she's walking slowly. She's not wagging her tail
00:56:13and I'm looking. I go, why is Yasu acting weird? Then I look closer. I go, why is the monkey
00:56:18darker than normal? I go, oh shit, that's not a monkey. That's a dead squirrel. Yeah,
00:56:25I did the research. Golden doodle. It's a golden retriever poodle mix. They retrieve dead animals
00:56:31and they bring it to whoever they worship the most in the house.
00:56:35Yeah, and up until then there'd been a competition between me, my wife and the kids. Oh,
00:56:40she loves me more. She loves me more. And as she was walking towards me with a dead hamster,
00:56:45a squirrel in her mouth, slowly I go, oh my God, she loves me more.
00:56:54And she's walking towards me like it's a scene from game of thrones.
00:56:58And she's bringing me gold. She's like, for thee, my Lord. I bringeth thy dead squirrel for thee,
00:57:05my Lord. And she drops in and just walks out backwards. And I'm washing the dishes. I go,
00:57:11what the fuck am I supposed to do with this? So I put on all kinds of gear, wrapped it up,
00:57:17threw it away. Next morning I had to take the kids to school. The one thing I miss about Zoom
00:57:23school is the commute. Remember the commute was so easy. Oh my God. You just wake up in the morning,
00:57:30you go to the room, you'd wake them up. Hey, wake up. Go to school. They'd get out of bed. They
00:57:37just walked to their desk. I'd go downstairs. I'd tell my wife, listen, I dropped them off.
00:57:41You pick them up. Now you got to drive them through traffic again, right? And my son,
00:57:50like I told you, smart kid, little spaced out. He has no sense of time. I was trying to get out
00:57:57of the house by 7.30. He walked downstairs at 7.29. Like no big deal. Like one shoe on one foot.
00:58:06Just starts telling me about a dream he had the night before. He's like, hey, dad, what's going
00:58:11on? I had a dream last night and there was a waterfall, but the waterfall was going the wrong
00:58:16way. I don't know why it was going the wrong way. And I'm late. I'm like, hurry up. Get in the car.
00:58:23Get in the car. All right. Whatever. Calm down. Whatever. And then he started walking the wrong
00:58:29way. I go, where are you going? The door's that way. All right. We're going to say bye to Yasu.
00:58:36Calm down. So now he's saying bye to Yasu. All of a sudden I hear him. He goes, oh no,
00:58:43she did it again. I go, what? He goes, come look. So I go look. Now there's a dead rat on our lawn.
00:58:51Yeah. With his arms out. Like he's waiting for CSI to show up to draw the chalk.
00:58:56And I'm sitting there. I go, oh my God, are we living with a serial killer?
00:59:00Because she looks like a teddy bear, but I'm now I'm getting worried.
00:59:03And the next day I saw her walking in the backyard with a little dead baby bird in her mouth.
00:59:09I go, holy shit. She's not a teddy bear. She's teddy Bundy.
00:59:17So now I get the kids in the car to drive them to school. The one good thing about my son being
00:59:21spaced out when we're driving to school, he doesn't talk. He's in the backseat,
00:59:26just watching the trees go by. I have no idea what's on his mind. I have Yasu in the car
00:59:33because he's a pandemic puppy. You got to take her wherever you go. She's in the car pretending
00:59:38to sleep, but definitely plotting her next kill. My daughter Mila is in the front seat at 730 in
00:59:46the morning. She will not stop talking about shit that I do not care about.
00:59:53730 in the morning. I'm hungover from the night before my daughter. Daddy,
00:59:57did you know that Ariana Grande was Italian? I thought she was Latina. Did you know that?
01:00:01Did you know that Billie Eilish has a brother named Finnegan Eilish? Billie Eilish, Finnegan
01:00:04Eilish, 18 Grammys. Did you know Ed Sheeran? I'm driving. I go, I don't know what the fuck
01:00:11you're talking about, but you're my daughter. So I'll just keep smiling and nodding.
01:00:16I don't know where she gets the energy. I don't know if the night before when my daughter's
01:00:20sleeping, somebody just winds her up the whole night. So when she wakes up in the morning,
01:00:25she's like, Daddy, did you know that? By the time we get to school, I'm so exhausted.
01:00:34They get out of the car. I turn on the radio. The news says the world
01:00:38is coming to an end. I look in the sky. I go, thank God.
01:00:42Oh my God. You guys are beautiful.
01:00:55I got one more story I want to tell you. So this happened. We took the kids to a sleepaway camp.
01:01:01Have you heard of sleepaway camp? For those of you who don't know, sleepaway camp is where you
01:01:04get to drop your kids off for a week and just have a life. Oh, it's the best thing in the
01:01:10world. And we signed them up for what we thought was a parkour camp. Have you heard of parkour?
01:01:16Again, for those of you who don't know, parkour is where kids learn to climb up
01:01:19walls and shit. Like tough kids learn to fight, my kids learn to escape.
01:01:26I told them, you're ever in trouble, hop, skip, jump, jazz hands, get out of there.
01:01:31The jazz hands confuse the assailant. So guys, we got in the car with our two kids,
01:01:38Dara, Mila. We started driving out of LA, 10 east, east, east, one hour out, 14 north, Lancaster,
01:01:44two hours out. All of a sudden, I look around. I go, it's not very diverse out here.
01:01:50Then I keep looking. I go, there's a lot of American flags out here. Don't get me wrong.
01:01:55I like the American flag. But when I see too many, I get a little worried.
01:02:01Right? Like if you guys, you go to the airport, you see one Muslim, you'll be like, hey buddy,
01:02:04what's going on? You see a bunch of us, you'll be like, no really, what's going on?
01:02:10You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying, Blake?
01:02:14Guys, we got to the camp. It wasn't a parkour camp. It was a skateboarding camp.
01:02:19Yeah, with parkour as a side activity. So it was a bunch of white skate rats. Yeah, brah, shaka shaka brah.
01:02:28And I'm walking around with Dara, and Dara has darker skin, right? Because of his Indian
01:02:32background. And Dara's looking around and goes, daddy, I think I'm the only person of color here.
01:02:37I go, don't worry about it, buddy. You'll blend in. This is your chance to make some new friends.
01:02:42This is your chance to meet people you normally wouldn't. I said, well, check in with you.
01:02:46So we left them. I call him the next day. I go, hey, buddy, how's it going? He goes, um,
01:02:56they're calling me Abdul. Oh no. I go, is that it? He goes, they told me to go back to Africa.
01:03:05I go, that's the wrong continent. And then I got so upset, I started texting him comebacks.
01:03:10I go, go to the whitest kid and be like, whatever, Casper the friendly ghost.
01:03:15Dara goes, who's Casper the friendly ghost? My wife goes, you idiot, you can't give him a comeback
01:03:20from an eighties cartoon. So then I asked him, I said, Dara, what did you say back to them?
01:03:26He goes, I told them I'm going to blow up their house. I go, way to go, Abdul. I'm proud of you
01:03:38guys. I'm Maz Jobrani. That's the show. Thank you, Comedy Store. Thank you, Missy Shore.
01:03:45Thank you, Comedy Store. Thank you guys. Beautiful people. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
01:04:09It's not even that big of a crowd to get tape. If it were a good crowd, I would want you guys
01:04:13to tape it so I could get that tape to this Aspen guy. But it's not a big crowd. So I might
01:04:18have to leave my material, work the crowd, do some bunt jokes and stuff. And it won't necessarily be
01:04:25my set about me, which is what I want the Aspen guys. And that's a gamble too. Maybe he comes out
01:04:31one night and there's not a good crowd. Then I'm screwed again because I got to work the crowd.
01:04:34I can't get up there and just do my material about myself. People are just sitting there
01:04:38looking at you. So that's it. Good. So let me go find out where they are. Who? In terms of the lineup.
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