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00:00¶¶

00:30what's that

00:34what's that

00:37why are you expecting to put that on my head are you

00:40the contest did ask for a ship

00:43well I expected a little imagination

00:45yes a glorious man of war

00:47yes he's up breast in huge waves of hair

00:49this looks like it's run aground

00:51yeah on a dead poodle

00:53my mistress here in seven days time

00:57is attending a very exclusive soiree de music

01:00when she takes her seat

01:02she wants the people in the row behind thinking

01:04there's been a bloody great eclipse

01:06big monsieur

01:08no no

01:10complete

01:11oh I forgot about him

01:16madame there's a messenger here

01:18with very urgent news

01:19my lady I come hot foot from your

01:22country estate to inform you

01:24that your beloved husband is

01:26gravely ill

01:26who

01:28the old cont

01:31I will of course spare madame the ghastly details

01:40oh no that's alright go on go on

01:42suffice it to say

01:44that his face is a hideous mass of suppurating pustules

01:47and certain extremities have dropped off

01:50well come on what other news

01:54we're now the tulip's out

01:56I need something to cheer me up monsieur

02:00yeah she's just had the most appalling shock any woman can ever have on you

02:04I mean look at this

02:06look at this

02:08I wouldn't impress anyone unless the sat on it

02:11looks like a shredded turnip monsieur

02:14it's a very very shoddy work

02:16shoddy work

02:16you're whacking his mitts

02:17take it away it's very shoddy shoddy shoddy shoddy

02:19is it two of the o'clock they had an appointment with madame de plonge and she hates to be kept waiting

02:24oh well it's it's our past three

02:26excellent

02:29oh that young man

02:31all a charade my dear

02:32the contest of vash hasn't had a decent lover since she was ten

02:36and he put it about a lot for a nine year old

02:39she has a husband

02:41I expect he provides all the warmth and love she needs

02:44as long as she doesn't need it very often yes

02:47at his advanced age

02:50the warmest bit is normally an inflamed goiter

02:52of course he is remarkably wealthy

02:57oh man look you're not suggesting she married him for his money

03:02my dear when one is trying to excite a sack of dried fruit

03:06it's amazing how 60,000 a year puts power to one's elbow

03:09the woman is too sordid for words

03:15I'm sure that's not true

03:27there are plenty of words to describe how sordid a person is

03:31disgustingly vile

03:33sufficiently repulsive to induce continuous vomiting

03:37so festeringly nauseous that her corrupt

03:41oh Eveline

03:43apart from which everyone speaks very highly of her to marry Antoinette

03:47only because they have to

03:49she knows things

03:52things?

03:54makes it her business

03:56to uncover all the dark

03:57embarrassing little secrets that one would rather not be made public

04:01like what?

04:03that is not for the ears

04:04of an innocent and pure young girl

04:06you are innocent and pure

04:10Mamour

04:12you embarrass me

04:14I would know a penis if I sat on one

04:17I can't see her

04:30that was close

04:39now Deplange what do we know about?

04:44P P P P P P

04:47right Madame Deplange the lover at present of the Marquis de Bonvi the Vicomte de Brut several chevaliers two gardeners a Doberman and a butcher so no shortage of meat in her

05:03what does she want with me that's the question

05:21if I may hazard a hypothesis I believe she has come to present her daughter Eveline who has recently sprouted into a woman

05:27well that's interesting

05:29have you ever done that before?

05:31be warned mistress

05:33Madam Deplange is known to be jealous of your good relations with the Queen Consort

05:36with who with who?

05:38the Queen Consort

05:39Marie Antoinette

05:40you've seen her around the palace

05:42big beau peep look alike

05:44crown

05:46the Austrian tort

05:48the king man

05:49oh

05:50what

05:51Mary Antoinette

05:52you've seen her round the palace

05:53big beau peep look alike

05:54crown

05:55the Austrian tort

05:56the king man. Yes, yes, yes. So, Madame de Plange is jealous.

06:02Oh, not half. And it is said she will stop at nought to bring about your utter and total downfall.

06:11Well, it's all good today, isn't it?

06:18Oh, right.

06:22Oh, Madame de Plange.

06:24Madame la Comtesse.

06:25With a marvellously delightful intrusion.

06:27I must apologise for keeping a waiting. I'm afraid I've received something rather more important.

06:32Lisette.

06:33Lisette.

06:34Oh, Cyril, enough of these pleasantries. What brings you this end of the palace fully clothed?

06:42Madame la Comtesse, may I have the honour of introducing my daughter, Evelyne?

06:47Oh, my dear.

06:49The spitting image of your father. Have you met him?

06:52I think, Madame, that you are very insulting and if you intend to continue, I shall leave immediately.

07:02Oh, well, goodbye.

07:04Now then, Madame is already late for her afternoon bouche à bouche with a rapidly expanding flax merchant.

07:11So, if you will excuse her...

07:13Evelyne, darling, would you wait for me in the corridor?

07:17Maman!

07:21If you're about to discuss the pleasures of the flesh, I'm hardly likely to understand.

07:25The advantage of being innocent is words like multiple orgasm and hung like a cart-holes mean absolutely nothing.

07:33Goodbye. Goodbye.

07:34Go home and wash your mouth out, you dirty bitch!

07:43Madame, Madame la Comtesse, as a true and loyal friend, may I ask a small favour?

07:51Some months ago, I became acquainted with the Marquis de Bonvie, a remarkably sympathique young man of impeccable dimension.

08:02However, what began as a mere dalliance on my part has become an embarrassment.

08:06The man worships the very cushions I sit on.

08:09It could just be poor eyesight.

08:13I was therefore wondering if you knew of someone woman enough to attract him away from me.

08:28Bon vie, bon vie.

08:30Bon vie.

08:31I think Madame has already had him.

08:33Baffin, Bordeaux, Basingstoke.

08:40A brief lull in the hostilities with the British.

08:44No bon vie, strangely.

08:47Of course I realise the dangers.

08:50Should whoever it is fail, she would undoubtedly become the laughingstock of the entire palace.

08:57Then it will clearly have to be someone assured of success, madame.

09:00Well, can't we get these up a bit?

09:13Madame, they are up any higher and you may find they interfere with your hearing.

09:17I just wanted to make an impression.

09:18Then I suggest you hit him with them.

09:21We are quite sure this is a good idea, are we?

09:24What?

09:25Marky de bon vie.

09:26He's young, he's handsome, he's sexually voracious.

09:30Oh, is he?

09:31Actually, maybe I should do it.

09:33No. No.

09:34Just say the word, madame, and I will.

09:36I will selflessly catapult myself straight into his britches.

09:39No.

09:40Wherefore I suck a place in my own good name for the glory of my mistress.

09:44No.

09:46There are some things one quite likes to do by oneself.

09:49Well, of course you'd be familiar with that concept.

09:53Well, that's him!

09:54Oh, get back here!

09:56When he opens that door, he's expecting a vision of aristocratic loveliness.

10:01Yes, all right.

10:04Not me!

10:05Oh, oh, is the bed prepared?

10:10Yeah, three pillows, as madame requested.

10:12One for herself, one for the marquee, and one to keep your arse up.

10:19Where shall I be?

10:21Demure, I think, like the portrait.

10:24It's a bit wistful.

10:26I'd be more sexual if I was you.

10:29Oh, right.

10:31How?

10:32Oh, that's very good.

10:33Yeah, pretty good.

10:34Go.

10:36Oh, you honourous with your presence.

10:39What would have happened that?

10:41Your husband's end has been diagnosed as very nigh, madam.

10:44Well, that's why he must stay in the country.

10:46That's why you must stay in the countryside anyway!

10:49You can't go and die here!

10:52You know, it's forbidden, it's forbidden to dig holes in the palace grounds.

10:55You know that, you fool!

10:56His only desire is to leave this veil of tears with his head pressed to your bosom.

11:03I'd expect you to have someone else for that!

11:06The only way you wouldn't want to cuddle that, would you?

11:08I mean, would you?

11:09Well, you might, but would you?

11:11No!

11:13Just bring him in and lay him somewhere, then.

11:15But you can't stay long! You can't stay long under it!

11:22Yeah.

11:24Oh, this smells like a syphilitic's piss pot!

11:27Look at his face, it's disgusting!

11:29Well, you haven't seen the rest of him.

11:31I mean, it's always been like sleeping with an elephant scrotum.

11:33Oh!

11:34Sorry!

11:36Go on, I need to weep for my husband, monsieur!

11:38She's got loads of weeping to do! Come on!

11:41Oh!

11:43Oh, it's him, it's him!

11:45I don't do this, I've got nuns to shave!

11:48Shut up!

11:49Right, ready?

11:51Bit more sexier!

11:53Good.

11:55Yes?

11:57I'm a priest, madame, sent to pray for your husband's life.

12:00What now?

12:01Well, now would be preferable. After death, it gets slightly tricky.

12:05All right, come in, quickly!

12:07Go on, quickly!

12:09Don't make any bells and don't burn anything that smells!

12:14Madame cannot seduce Bonvi with a priest in the next room!

12:20I don't see why nuns is not going to join in, is he?

12:23It's Friday, they're only allowed fish!

12:26You'll have to have a tryst somewhere.

12:28A tryst?

12:29Yeah, a tryst, you know, trysts, they're all the rage.

12:33You'll have to have a tryst again, like you did last summer.

12:36A tryst again? Yes, like I did last year?

12:39Yeah.

12:41What about the orange grove?

12:43And then madame could have him on the bonquette.

12:45Oh!

12:47Now, Lisette, inform the Marquis that I shall be accidentally passing by in ten minutes.

12:52All right-o!

12:54A twist!

12:56And the palace physician, madame, come to save your dear master's life.

13:02Oh, don't bother. If God can't do it, you've got a fat chance.

13:04So you've got it right? It's changed to the orange grove.

13:11Oh. Well, tell your mistress she has made a most succulently delicious election,

13:16and I shall be waiting with my ardour barely concealed.

13:19Oh. You have actually seen her, haven't you?

13:23Sorry?

13:24Nothing. Just wondering.

13:26Oh.

13:28Is that someone for my husband with a measuring stick, tell them oak with brass handles!

13:37Oh, and no death mask!

13:40This could be one of the few corpses that improve with age.

13:44It's the Queen!

13:47I wouldn't imagine I like meeting your friends. I'd rather push retire.

13:51No, no, no, no, no, no. The Queen. Well, consort Marie Antoinette.

13:57But I'm in a rush. Can't you get rid of her?

14:00Madame, if I could do that, you would now be watching ten million Frenchmen kiss my buttocks.

14:04A woman couldn't take a hint if one nailed it to a suppository.

14:11Monsieur Le Marquis de Bonnevie.

14:14I hope I haven't stumbled on a scene of depraved and licentious debauchery.

14:19Oh. No, as you see, mademoiselle, I am all alone.

14:23Then I'm sure there's nothing improper in us sharing a bonquette.

14:27Oh.

14:29Oh.

14:30Oh.

14:31Oh.

14:32Oh.

14:33Oh.

14:34Oh.

14:35Oh.

14:39Your Majesty.

14:41Oh.

14:42Oh.

14:43Oh.

14:45My dear, I am so, so...

14:47So...

14:48Und Ben den Scheiß und Heinzglitz, kid?

14:52Sad.

14:54Sad.

14:55That your husband is covered in the dreadful ruptions.

14:59Oh.

15:00Particularly as he was not the best-looking man in the first place.

15:03You're so kind.

15:05As your king's...

15:07Frau?

15:08A bit of rum-po.

15:10A bit of rum-po.

15:12A bit of rum-po.

15:14I must tell you that here in Austria everyone is weeping.

15:20Oh.

15:21France.

15:23Yeah.

15:24France.

15:25Spain.

15:26Everyone is weeping.

15:28Your Majesty is so kind.

15:29But I'm sure she has more important things to do than waste her time on matters of such small consequence.

15:34Oh.

15:35Nona.

15:36No.

15:37No.

15:38Oh.

15:39Oh.

15:40Oh, Her Majesty.

15:41Oh, do.

15:42Oh, do.

15:43Oh, do.

15:44Oh, do.

15:45There's been a problem.

15:46Oh, do.

15:47You must come.

15:48I can't have her Majesty is here!

15:49Oh, I can't have her.

15:50Oh, I can't have her.

15:51Oh, I can't have her.

15:53Oh, I can't have her.

15:54Oh, I do.

15:55Oh, I do.

15:56Oh, I do.

15:57Oh, it's a rat.

15:58Oh, it's a rat.

15:59You'd better run in the opposite direction, Her Majesty.

16:00Oh, I love rats.

16:02I

16:20Must ask you to cancel your seduction of the Marquis de Bonvi who I now love and worship with every inch of my body

16:30Just now with every inch of his

16:33Little flower of the dung-heap have you any idea who you're talking to here? I have

16:38Which is why my heart weeps to have to throw my own parent to a pit of slavering hyenas

16:45If you swear not to molest my darling Bonvi

16:49I will divulge a dark and dreadful secret regarding my mother

16:55I promise she promises from my fiancee mammal is or has been the lover of the v. Comte de breu

17:06Yeah, several chevaliers

17:08Yeah, I thought it was going to be interesting

17:10Two gardeners, a butcher

17:13She didn't know about the Doberman

17:14And

17:15Your husband

17:18The Comte de Vache

17:20You mean what would anyone want with that, huh?

17:26I haven't touched himself since 1771

17:29Buffon?

17:31Never

17:33I was inquiring as to Madame de Blanche's motive, Monsieur

17:37Oh

17:38Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

17:40Money

17:41Rather late in life for that one to turn professional

17:44Not if she stood to make a huge fortune and simultaneously ruin the most hated and

17:54despised and loathed woman in all of France

17:58Who?

18:03Um

18:07Oh

18:09Uh

18:10Well, me?

18:11Me?

18:12Well, no!

18:14No, not you

18:16Well, yes, you

18:17But there are some other people that are just as loathed as you

18:21Like, um

18:23Well, like, um

18:25Marie Antoinette

18:26Oh, yeah, she's loathed

18:27She is

18:28She is so loathed

18:29And the Marquis de Foufou is heartily disliked

18:32Heartily?

18:33She's a cow

18:34She's a complete cow

18:35Yes

18:36No!

18:37Anyway, anyway, anyway

18:38Madame de Blanche can ruin me

18:42How?

18:43Hm? How?

18:44Vutem calestem risagamas

18:45Paysem christem dominem nostrum

18:47If the old cunt dies

18:52You stand to inherit everything, right?

18:56Yeah, well, I didn't marry him for his looks, you know

18:58Well, a slug wouldn't have married him for his looks

19:00However, if you are involved in some kind of public scandal, like humping the Marquis de Bonvie, for instance

19:07He might decide to give his money to someone else, mightn't he?

19:11Someone who's got a cleavage so big you could lose a giraffe, don't it?

19:15Someone who's been throwing herself at him like an Olympic wet-nurse

19:22Oh, no

19:26Madame de Plange

19:28Plange!

19:29Oh, it all ties up

19:38Now be careful

19:40Madame, my breast is aflame with passion

19:46My loins, a burning bush of lust, waiting only to be doused by you

19:51Could you come back? I'm very sorry

19:57I mean, what do I do?

19:59Hm?

20:00If I may proffer a pensée, madame

20:03Yes, alright

20:04Spit it out

20:05Come on

20:06If your husband should die before you copulate with the Marquis, surely there'll be no problem

20:13Oh, I know what he's saying

20:14He's just using highfalutin words to say

20:17Wait till the old con dies

20:19And then you can shag the hunk and we're all in the clear

20:24Well, that must happen soon

20:25Yes, like now

20:26Now? He must die now

20:27Now?

20:28Must die now, honoree!

20:29Paterna deus salis eterna credentium

20:33Right

20:34Excuse me, excuse me

20:35Um

20:36Who know when you're doing all your padre glorioso selva moa mass

20:43How often do you actually get a result?

20:46It's just that my mistress looks very good in black

20:48And we was just thinking if Jesus wants him for a sunbeam

20:51Nobody is objecting

20:53I mean, look at him, he's so old

20:55I mean, if you'd ever seen him trying to suck a golden delicious

20:58You'd know it's a miracle he's strolled on this long

21:02Oh

21:03Mistress, I've had another thought

21:05Madame de Plange can be remarkably persuasive

21:08What if the Comte has already changed his will?

21:13Oh

21:14Well, get a doctor! Get a doctor!

21:16I don't do doctor

21:18Oh, get a doctor!

21:20I was given to understand that my services at court physician were not required

21:23Well, I'm sorry, that was when she wanted him dead

21:26She now wants him alive

21:27Though, having seen him, I wouldn't have thought there was much difference

21:30Aye, sir, I'm not a puppy dog to be sent for and dismissed

21:33Willy-nilly

21:34Oh, do stop whinging

21:36Do you have any idea what I have been through today?

21:40I made the most exquisite ship wig ever seen

21:43Bristling with crow's nests and poop decks

21:46Given the right crew, it could have rammed Portsmouth

21:49Is that good enough?

21:51Make it bigger, she says

21:53Big, monsieur, big!

21:54So don't talk to me about injured pride, you fat queen

21:57Because mine has been irreparably bashed

21:59I wonder if I could interest you in a revolutionary treatment for stress

22:04Stress?

22:05Yes

22:06Basically, one takes four leeches

22:11Places them in one's hand

22:13And whenever one feels that tension building up

22:17One simply squeezes them

22:20Of course, it can be dreadfully messy

22:25Will he live?

22:32That, I'm afraid, is in the lap of God

22:35What exactly does he have?

22:37It's the pox

22:38I'm not quite sure which kind of pox

22:40As you know, there are lots of poxes

22:42However, I've washed out his bowels

22:44I don't know if he'll do much good

22:46But it's certainly perked the priest up

22:56So how can I find out if he's altered his will?

23:00If I might...

23:03Oh, come on then

23:04Come on

23:05Well, if your husband has changed his will

23:08Then surely his death would come as a pleasant surprise to Madame de Plange

23:12All one has to do, therefore, is convince her he is dead

23:16And gauge her reaction

23:22He's very good, isn't he?

23:24Well, he's homosexual, isn't he?

23:28Sent you away?

23:29That's impossible

23:31Did you show her your legs?

23:33Yes, will I

23:34Oh, you have failed me, monsieur

23:37I was given to understand a mere flash of your smile could deflower a cemetery

23:44I take it you have no excuses

23:47I believe her husband was there

23:50Husband?

23:51It's not unusual

23:52After a busy day at their offices, many just like to sit back and watch something undemanding

23:57There could even be a danger of him missing my big finish

24:01He's dying

24:02Dying?

24:03No, no, no

24:04He can't die yet

24:10Oh

24:12From my, er...

24:13Miss...

24:14The Compton Comtesse de Vache

24:27Incordially invite Madame de Plange to a supper of finger snacks and stuffed fancies in their apartments at 8 o'clock

24:35So, you see, monsieur, his condition is not as brave as you say

24:44Oh

24:46He looks so at peace with the world, ain't he? So serene

24:50Still he's had a good innings

24:52It's the way he would have liked to have gone

24:57I've dug it

24:58I dug it.

24:59Yes, I can.

25:00Be in touch.

25:01Madame can't bury him.

25:04Can't I?

25:05He's not dead.

25:07It's simply a ruse to fool Madame de Plange.

25:10Yes, so?

25:12What more convincing a ruse than him six feet down under a slab of marble?

25:17Well, obviously, I'll dig him up again, you know, if anyone feels particularly strongly.

25:23You may be homosexual, Monsieur, but you've got no sense of humour.

25:29Now, you know what you have to do?

25:32You engage the Comtesse in some mindless conversation

25:35while I convince the old Comte to alter his will.

25:38Which is not a sin, because when the money is ours,

25:41we will distribute it among all the poor people of France

25:44so they have a lovely Christmas and a bright and happy future.

25:48Yes, dear, that's right.

25:53Welcome to this place of woe.

26:08Oh, my dears, how delightful of you to have come.

26:17You should have brought the marquee with you.

26:19Would have saved one of you having to climb off him.

26:23Well, tell me, what can we get you?

26:25Something long and spicy and a butcher's apron, perhaps?

26:30Forgive me the introduction.

26:36Have you met my husband?

26:38Two, three, four.

26:40You're a scraggy, selfish old piss-plotter!

26:57Wig! Wig!

26:58If Madame will wait a second, I shall have it winched out of its crate.

27:12A miracle!

27:13Oh, praise the Lord!

27:14It's a miracle!

27:15Oh, is he still here?

27:19Huh?

27:20It's quite the most remarkable recovery I've ever seen!

27:22Though, as his wife, you should be warned, I believe it to have been a sexually transmitted disease.

27:26Oh, thank God for that.

27:27Oh, thank God for that.

27:28If I were sick, I might be in danger.

27:29Is this not a day of celebration?

27:33Ah, water!

27:34Ah, ah!

27:35Ah!

27:36Ah!

27:37Ah!

27:38And then, Monsieur, perhaps you will take the most of your life.

27:40Ah!

27:41Ah!

27:42Ah!

27:43Ah!

27:44Ah!

27:45Ah!

27:46Ah!

27:47Ah!

27:48Ah!

27:49Ah!

27:50Ah!

27:51Ah!

27:52Ah!

27:53Ah!

27:54Ah!

27:55Ah!

27:56Ah!

27:57Ah!

27:58Ah!

27:59Ah!

28:00Ah!

28:01Ah!

28:02Ah!

28:03Ah!

28:04Ah!

28:05Ah!

28:06Ah!

28:07Ah!

28:08Ah!

28:09Ah!

28:10Ah!

28:11Ah!

28:12Ah!

28:13Ah!

28:14Ah!

28:15Ah!

28:16Ah!

28:17Ah!

28:18Ah!

28:19Ah!

28:20Ah!

28:21Ah!

28:22Ah!

28:23Ah!

28:24Ah!

28:25Ah!

28:26Ah!

28:27Ah!

Let Them Eat Cake - 101 [couchtripper][U]

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Let Them Eat Cake - upscaled

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