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00:00This here is the bounty hunter skit.
00:02He's the bounty and I'm the hunter.
00:07Hey can you keep an eye on him for a second if I'm inside here?
00:10Just relax.
00:11Just relax for a minute.
00:12Keep an eye on him.
00:13Just for a minute.
00:14Just for a minute.
00:19Come on man, don't just stand there.
00:29Come on.
00:30Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, give me a hand, can you?
00:34Give me a hand with this clown, huh?
00:36Come on.
00:37No, no.
00:38You got some ID you guys got some ID on him?
00:41Everything's totally in the van, yeah.
00:43Totally in the van.
00:46You just can't cuff a man like this, buddy.
00:48You're disturbing the peace.
00:49Oh, I'm sorry.
00:50He's a friend of mine, actually.
00:51Frankly, I don't believe you guys.
00:52You guys look like a couple of lunatics or something.
00:55Yeah, here he comes.
00:56Hey, how you doing?
00:57You with this guy?
00:58Yeah, we're doing a thing with MTV.
00:59MTV, right.
01:00You got a permit?
01:01I don't have a permit.
01:02You don't have a permit.
01:03You get ID?
01:04I don't have ID on me.
01:05I can go to the car and get ID.
01:06I don't believe you guys.
01:07You know, what the hell is this?
01:08You come here, you can't do this.
01:09Where are you guys from anyways?
01:10I'm from Los Angeles.
01:11Yeah, well, you better go back to Los Angeles.
01:13For now, you're going to have to go down to the station house with me.
01:15Okay.
01:16Okay.
01:17Did I find out where these guys are going?
01:18They're going downtown.
01:19Get in the car.
01:20Get in the car.
01:21Fellas, I got some bad news for you.
01:26You're under arrest for impersonating an officer.
01:28That's a felony.
01:29Thank you for disturbing the peace, and I think it's a possible warrant on you.
01:32Felony.
01:33Felony now.
01:34Let me take your kill.
01:35Oh, Lord.
01:36It doesn't happen like this on Caps, huh?
01:39Yeah.
01:40Oh.
01:41By the way, I'm Johnny Knoxville.
01:44Welcome to Jackass.
01:45Shut up, you son of a bitch.
01:47Motherf*****g gave me a heart attack.
01:50Damn it.
01:51You f*****g, that was so good.
01:52That was so good.
01:53Oh, my.
01:54Oh, my.
01:55Oh, my.
01:56Oh, my.
01:57Oh, my.
01:58Oh, my.
01:59Oh, my.
02:00Oh, my.
02:01Oh, my.
02:02Oh, my.
02:03Oh, my.
02:04Oh, my God.
02:05What's the...
02:07Oh, my God.
02:19Oh, my God.
02:22Oh, my God.
02:24Oh, my God.
02:26I'm going on a manhunt, turning around
02:38Women have been hunting, now we're hunting around
02:42Manhunt, we are underneath
02:46All the big wind has taken the lead
02:56I'm going on a manhunt, I'm going on a manhunt
03:26I'm going on a manhunt, turning around
03:35Women have been hunting, now we're hunting around
03:39Yeah, a manhunt, we all got the need
03:43The one who's been quick has taken
03:46No, no, no
03:48I'm going on a manhunt, now we're hunting around
03:51I'm going on a manhunt, I'm going on a manhunt
03:55How you doing? You go to the airport?
04:13Oh f***
04:21Son of a bitch
04:24Ta-da, I'm going to do a little snow surfing
04:41Música
04:56Oh, my God.
05:26Oh, my God.
05:56I'm Steve-O.
06:10I'm somewhere in Louisiana right now.
06:11I'm about to get my ass kicked by crawfish.
06:14How bad do these hurt?
06:15They get a good pitch on you.
06:16Well, it depends on if you get one like that.
06:18One, see how it falls like that.
06:19Whoa, dude, yeah.
06:20We didn't feed them for three days, so they'll be hungry.
06:24Oh, that's going to feel kind of funny going down your pants.
06:27It's not going to get worse, dude.
06:29This is probably going to be the equivalent of doing a Pete Rose slide through freaking thorn bushes.
06:34See, that's about what they do.
06:35They really don't let go.
06:36That thing's going to kill you.
06:38This is the crawfish diaper.
06:40Oh, my God.
07:10Okay, I think I'm done, dude.
07:19I think I almost got you on your name, dude.
07:21What do you think?
07:23I think that sucked.
07:24I've been on the ice twice in my life, both with very poor results.
07:32Who's going to hit me first?
07:38I think our good friend here has got frustration and needs to take out.
07:41All right.
07:42All right, um, go and go.
07:54There you go.
07:58Okay.
07:59There's only a couple more.
08:01That's all right.
08:02Now you're a hockey player.
08:08Now you're ready.
08:09I'm not really the artful Dodger, am I?
08:11Close your mouth.
08:16Only girls stay down.
08:22You've been checked on the open ice before?
08:23I've been checked on the open ice before.
08:35That buckled cute.
08:37Really?
08:37This is the last one, so let's make it count.
08:48You're a little spooker.
08:49You're a little spooker.
08:50You're a little spooker.
08:51You're a little spooker.
08:53Ah.
08:54Use the fork.
08:55You're a little spooker.
08:56Ah.
08:57Use the fork.
08:58Ah.
08:59You're a little spooker.
09:00Ah.
09:05Going to the airport?
09:06Alex?
09:07Yeah.
09:08You help me with my other bag.
09:09My back is bad.
09:11Ah.
09:12Oh.
09:13I'm Dave, and this is Full Pipe Skating.
09:43Get out of here.
09:44Get out of here.
09:45Get in there.
09:46You're a little spooker.
09:47Walk.
09:48Ah!
09:49Go.
09:50Go!
09:51Go!
09:52Go!
09:55Go!
09:57Ah!
09:58Go.
09:59Go!
10:00Go.
10:01Go!
10:02Go!
10:03Go!
10:04Go!
10:05Go!
10:06Go go!
10:07Go!
10:08Go!
10:09Go!
10:11Go!
10:42I almost had that one.
10:43I almost had it.
10:44I almost had it.
10:45I almost had it.
10:46Ready?
10:47Set.
10:48Go.
10:49Johnny Knox who challenged me for the boxing match.
10:54I'm Ryan.
10:55He's challenged me.
10:56I don't want him to hit you in the head.
10:59I don't want him to hit me in the head either.
11:01I hope he brought his pillow because he's going to sleep.
11:04Ryan's going to get really hurt.
11:07I don't want you to box him.
11:08Don't stay up close to him.
11:09Just kind of hit him and move away.
11:11I'm just going to keep on moving around.
11:12The pointers aren't going to help because he's just going to get rocked in the first round.
11:16Fuck.
11:17Ow!
11:18Fuck!
11:19Keep your hands up.
11:20But when he comes at you, if you punch him, your idea is to take him down because you're
11:24not a striker.
11:25Right?
11:26Right?
11:27Ryan's going to get a bow.
11:28Zero punches in.
11:29Bam Bam's predictions.
11:30A.
11:31Dislocated shoulder.
11:32B.
11:33Broken arm.
11:34C.
11:35Completely knocked out cold.
11:36And H.
11:37I'm Ryan done.
11:38About to do some ultimate fighting.
11:43Go.
11:44Go.
11:45Go.
11:46Don't let him hit you.
11:50Go.
11:51Don't let him hit you.
11:52Don't let him hit you, Ryan.
11:54Go.
11:55Go.
11:56Go.
11:57Go.
11:58Go.
11:59I'm about to do some ultimate fighting.
12:01Okay, please switch dance.
12:02Go.
12:03Go high now.
12:06Come on, get in there.
12:07Go.
12:08Don't let him hit you.
12:09Don't let him hit you, Ryan.
12:12Get him.
12:13Get him.
12:14Get him.
12:15Come on, stop.
12:16He's down.
12:17Knock him.
12:18You good?
12:19Oh, God.
12:20Are you all right?
12:21Good?
12:22Oh, .
12:25Can you still do it?
12:28You got ready, y'all.
12:31Dude, he hit me really hard.
12:34You weren't thinking Ralph Macchio.
12:36That's why.
12:37I don't have a regular head anymore.
12:38Remember how I used to take hits to the head?
12:40Yeah.
12:41Those days are well and gone, my friend.
12:44No, Knoxville, I'm on the phone.
12:46I'm going to get punched in the stomach right now.
12:49Okay, just do it.
12:51Do it.
12:52Knocksville, it hurt.
12:53Ooh.
12:54Let him hit you in the stomach.
12:55Dude, f*** that.
12:56He's an expert at this.
12:57Dude, just could be a little bitch back.
12:58Yeah.
12:59Just wind knocked out.
13:00Yeah.
13:01Dude, he hit me hard.
13:02Come back.
13:03Come back.
13:04Knuckles.
13:05She can see the knuckles.
13:06Oh, dude.
13:07Oh, do it.
13:08Just will be a little bitch back.
13:10I just got to be a little bitch back.
13:11Just really a little bitch back.
13:12Yeah.
13:13Yeah, just wind knocked out.
13:23Damn.
13:24Oh.
13:25Dude, you hit me hard.
13:26Come back.
13:27Come back.
13:28What is it?
13:28Knuckles.
13:29She could see the knuckles.
13:30Oh, dude.
13:37Why does he slip sideways?
14:02Today we're going to a sperm bang for the first ever Jackass Spermathon.
14:06The events which the contestants will be judged will be sperm count, potency of the sperm, volume and speed.
14:14Let the games begin.
14:18Stephanie will be our nurse today.
14:20She will be transporting the samples from the contestant to another nurse.
14:27Now we're going to draw the names to see who goes first.
14:30All right, first, dun dun dun, Preston.
14:38I have the pole position which probably is an advantage in this situation.
14:42I'll have to set the pace time, that might be hard.
14:44I think I can handle it.
14:46My dad was a Marine Corps champion at Parris Island.
14:49Since one of the events today will be a speed round who can deliver the fastest,
14:54Loomis will have a stopwatch and he'll time the entrance from the point they walk in the door to the point they walk out of the door.
15:01This is yours.
15:02We'll see you in a few minutes.
15:04Uh, I just need to frisk you first.
15:06Oh.
15:10What's that?
15:11That's a little pee.
15:13Oh, you're clean.
15:14You're supposed to cut it through there, fool.
15:21Yes, mate.
15:23Time?
15:24Uh, five minutes and 50 seconds.
15:26I'm a little nervous because, you know, I'm with a bunch of dudes and frankly, I don't think I can do it around these guys.
15:33See you later.
15:35Did you walk in there erect already?
15:36No, it was kind of hard.
15:37That was more minutes getting it up than getting it out.
15:42We're at 11 and a half minutes.
15:45I think we're bound to be here all day.
15:48Come on, Cossack.
15:49Come on.
15:56Time?
15:57Damn.
15:5813 minutes, 29 seconds.
16:00I wonder if that's a bad thing or a good thing in the long run.
16:05Good luck.
16:07Break a leg.
16:08I wonder if they can like smell each other when they go in there.
16:11What?
16:12It doesn't really look like that much, huh?
16:13I couldn't get it up.
16:14I'm tired.
16:15Johnny Pisces, Knoxville.
16:16But I gotta tell you guys, I got a secret weapon for speed.
16:17American Grizzly.
16:18Yeah.
16:21Put it in the drawer when you're done.
16:22Read the instructions.
16:23Read the instructions.
16:24Read the instructions.
16:25Read the instructions.
16:26I'm gonna say.
16:27I'm gonna say.
16:28I'm gonna say.
16:29I'm gonna say.
16:30I'm gonna say.
16:31I'm gonna say.
16:32I'm gonna say.
16:33American Grizzly.
16:34Yeah.
16:36Put it in the drawer when you're done.
16:38Read the instructions too.
16:40Read the instructions.
16:41I'm gonna say.
16:42It's kind of weird being in the same age.
17:01I gotta come to terms with my sexuality.
17:04I gotta know what I'm all about.
17:07It's got hair in it.
17:10How long was that?
17:13Six minutes, nine seconds.
17:15Yeah.
17:16Oh, I'm in second.
17:17All right, Wee Man.
17:19You ready?
17:20Yep.
17:21Follow Nurse Stephanie.
17:23Here I go.
17:24Have a good time.
17:26And begin.
17:29I was not even half caught.
17:32Oh, yeah.
17:33It was like sweat spaghetti.
17:35Yeah, it was terrible.
17:36Like, what the?
17:37I could hear Wee Man giggling outside, and that wasn't helping anybody.
17:40All right.
17:41Yeah.
17:42Six minutes, three seconds.
17:43Six minutes, three seconds.
17:44Not much.
17:45Not much.
17:46But it's something.
17:47Got dirty stuff in my mind.
17:48I'm ready to go.
17:50Did you shave in your chest lately, Ponies?
17:51Oh, yeah, I did.
17:52Because Manny does.
17:53As soon as the door closes, that's what time you're looking at.
17:54Let me get naked.
17:55Hurry up.
17:56Let me get naked.
17:57Hurry up.
17:58Here's the axel.
17:59Here's the axel.
18:00Here's the axel.
18:01Here's the axel.
18:02Here's the axel.
18:03You're in the a good.
18:04Oh, yeah, I did.
18:05Because Manny does.
18:06As soon as the door closes, that's what time you're looking at.
18:07Let me get naked.
18:08Hurry up.
18:09Here's the axel.
18:10Here's the axel.
18:11Here's the axel.
18:12Here's the axel.
18:13Here's the axel.
18:14Here's the axel.
18:15Success!
18:19Every last drop.
18:22Ten minutes, fifty-two seconds.
18:25Oh, it doesn't look like much.
18:26But it's up on the sides.
18:28It's a movie.
18:29Dude, I have more than five.
18:31Oh, yours is like chunky.
18:33I'm going to be so bummed when they announce my sexually transmitted diseases.
18:36Oh, here comes the doctor with the results.
18:39Who's Johnny?
18:40Johnny, that's me.
18:42You're the last.
18:44I got the lowest count.
18:45You're the worst.
18:49Not far behind is Preston.
18:53Who's Chris and Rick?
18:56It's 118, and Rick?
18:58Who's Rick?
18:59Rick.
19:00You give him this.
19:01He's 144.
19:07Rick's got good sperm.
19:08Now you just got to find someone to put it in.
19:15This is the glue helmet.
19:17Olive oil, human hair, and hot sauce.
19:20Hang on.
19:21Dude, I'm hanging.
19:25The results are in.
19:26In volume, the loser was Wee Man with 0.8 milliliters.
19:30Yeah.
19:32And the winner was Dimitri with 4.0 milliliters.
19:34We cocted a little fake sperm using lotion and water.
19:39This will go over to some lucky contestant's head at the end.
19:43I think Cossack's going to win the competition for most potent sperm.
19:49So, here you go, Cossack.
19:50Oh.
19:51Oh.
19:52Oh.
19:53Oh.
19:54Gross.
19:55You got to get all of it.
19:56Oh.
19:57Oh.
19:58Oh.
19:59Oh.
20:00Oh.
20:01Oh.
20:02Oh.
20:03Oh.
20:04Oh.
20:05Oh.
20:06Oh.
20:07Oh.
20:08Oh.
20:09Oh.
20:10Oh.
20:11Oh.
20:12Oh.
20:13Oh.
20:14Oh.
20:15Oh.
20:16Oh.
20:17Oh.
20:20So you guys wear bikinis around here?
20:21No, we don't wear anything.
20:24There's something about the Cheetah that just never gets old.
20:27I want to get that done.
20:28Ah.
20:30They're just taking them out.
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