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Here We Go Season 3 Episode 5 - Full Movie
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Of course I can't make you a cortado.
00:06Well done, Robin.
00:09That's on the cusp of going off.
00:13Come on, Mum. Ethel's going to be here any minute.
00:16So, Mum, the code is one cry...
00:19...is green.
00:21Two cries...
00:23...is red.
00:25Three cries...
00:26We know what the cries sound like. You don't need to keep doing them.
00:28...is yellow.
00:29And four cries...
00:30Oh, my God.
00:31...is blue.
00:36OK, so the code is one green, two red, three yellow, four blue.
00:40You got that?
00:41We've all got that.
00:42I'm very bad at learning codes as all.
00:44That's why I had to change my pin to 1111.
00:48Yeah, stop telling people that.
00:50As a rule, do not say any anecdotes that involve you revealing your pin.
00:54All right, keep your wig on.
00:56And if you're still not sure or you can't hear anything,
00:58just say,
00:59Is the baby all right?
01:00And I'll do it again.
01:01Is the baby all right?
01:02And I'll do it again.
01:03Is the baby all right?
01:04And I'll do it again.
01:05No, I mean, where is the baby?
01:06Oh, yeah, he's upstairs in his husher-by snoozy baby sleep pod.
01:09What? Sleeping?
01:10Well, I hope so.
01:11Yeah, that is what it's for.
01:12Yeah, OK.
01:13And, Mum, Mum, it's really important that you keep a poker face.
01:16A poker face.
01:17Well, Uno face.
01:18Exactly.
01:19What's an Uno face?
01:20Just don't move your face at all when you're playing, Sue, so just...
01:23Like this.
01:24What, like that?
01:25Like that.
01:26Yeah, that's good.
01:27I've actually got a Botox cream in my bag that'll do that for you.
01:29Well, I think it's probably worth a go.
01:31Mmm.
01:32It does burn a bit, though.
01:33It does.
01:34I mean, it really burns, Sue.
01:35Even so?
01:36No, it really burns.
01:37Do not use it on your scrotum, Sue, trust me.
01:39Yeah, well, no, I won't.
01:41Well, I can't.
01:42Yeah, fair point.
01:43Why did you put it on your scrotum, Robin?
01:44Well, because it claimed to be anti-wrinkle, didn't it, babe?
01:47So I thought I'd give it a proper challenge.
01:48And it failed.
01:49Right.
01:50Badly.
01:51So did I, in a way.
01:52Oh, my God.
01:53Well, she won't need any creams.
01:55Just relax, Sue.
01:56You know, try to enjoy it.
01:57Might be fun.
01:58Fun?
01:59Of course it won't!
02:01I mean, I feel like I'm on the James Bond show.
02:04On the...
02:05They're films, Mum.
02:06They're films, famously.
02:07Oh, gosh.
02:08There she is.
02:09Let's go.
02:10Here we go.
02:11Down it, down it, down it, down it.
02:12Go easy.
02:13Go easy on the sheriff.
02:14There's tiny glasses, babe.
02:15Go up.
02:16Go on.
02:17It's all right.
02:18It's not Ethel.
02:19It's just Amy and her trophy.
02:20OK.
02:21Is everything all right?
02:23This is his dummy, his Sue.
02:26Just stick that in his gob if he gets out hungry or annoying or whatever.
02:29Yeah.
02:30This is his sensory baby activity sheet.
02:35Just tin foil, isn't it?
02:37Nice.
02:38It what?
02:39It better not be.
02:40That cost me 25 quid.
02:41Is it?
02:42This is his monkey here, look.
02:43Hey, Madame Coconut.
02:44She has a French accent and loves cheese when I do it.
02:46Do you want to do that?
02:47Yeah.
02:48I'll just sing to him because that's what I did last time.
02:50Well, you can go outside if you do that, Mum.
02:52I can't be listening to you singing Wind the Bobbin Up for five hours again.
02:56Love that tune.
02:57This is his baby monitor here, look.
02:59Muslins.
03:00Keep an eye on you.
03:01Here you are.
03:02You will be back from the gym by three, won't you?
03:04Because I'm going to Mecca later.
03:06Oh, not again.
03:07What?
03:08Really?
03:09Well, I go with Bren every Tuesday afternoon.
03:11To Mecca?
03:12Yeah.
03:13Wow.
03:14That's...
03:15No, she's talking about Mecca bingo in Bedford.
03:17Oh.
03:18Yeah, sorry, the bingo.
03:20Not the religious odd spot as well.
03:22Yeah, that's a lot closer.
03:23She doesn't do a weekly hodge as far as I know.
03:26She may as well.
03:27She could have gone to Mecca several times with the money she's lost playing bingo.
03:31Oh, don't be so daft.
03:33Gambling is very serious, Mum, isn't it, Rach?
03:36Rachel.
03:37Yes?
03:38As a counsellor, can you please say something?
03:39Yeah, just empty it.
03:40Don't just squash it down.
03:42What, there's loads of space?
03:43This is why we get bin juice, because you squeeze rubbish like a cider print.
03:47There's more space than you think.
03:48Oh, shh!
03:49Why won't you just empty it?
03:51I'll pop him in the garden for you, Gerald.
03:53Yeah.
03:54Oh, sorry, just before you do, Sue, I've got a little gif for Sam under the buggy.
03:58Oh, cool.
03:59Cheers, Robin.
04:00What is it?
04:01It's a Premier League sticker album, plus two free packets.
04:03I thought you might want to start collecting, so...
04:05Oh.
04:06Oh, my God, you are unbelievable.
04:07What?
04:08What do you mean?
04:09Doorbell!
04:10Someone!
04:11Why?
04:12So that you, Dean and Jelson, have someone else to swap with.
04:14What?
04:15That's...
04:16No.
04:17It's just a bit of fun.
04:18No?
04:19I'll go...
04:20It's an addiction, Robin.
04:21Yeah.
04:22You are a stickaholic.
04:23Well, no, because that would mean he's addicted to sticks.
04:26Hi.
04:27Amy.
04:28Hi.
04:29Is that for washing?
04:30No, it's my towel and clean undies.
04:32I'm for washing.
04:33Why can't you do that at home?
04:34Uh, well, because Maya's always accusing me of staying in and sitting in the bath all day.
04:37Okay, so you've gone out to sit in the bath all day.
04:40Well, I'm proving her wrong, yes.
04:42Things feel a bit rocky between you two, are they?
04:44We've fed out about what to name our hamster.
04:45Hi, everyone.
04:46Hi, Amy.
04:47Oh, go on.
04:48What name's you got?
04:49Well, she wants to call it Mrs Biscuit and I want to call it Sylvia Plath.
04:53Oh.
04:54Two very different ideas there.
04:55Well, anyway, we can't decide, so currently it's called The Hamster.
04:59Like Richard Hammond.
05:00Oh, yeah?
05:01Yeah, in fact, that's a great name for a hamster.
05:02Who's Richard Hammond?
05:03You two need to try couples therapy, trust me.
05:06We worked through tons of stuff on ours, didn't we, babe?
05:08Yeah, yeah.
05:09I mean, I didn't actually speak during it, but...
05:11What did you do?
05:12I just made notes.
05:14You've had couples therapy.
05:15Yeah.
05:16Why didn't you...
05:17I could have given you couples therapy.
05:19I would have done it for free.
05:21You know, you get what you pay for, didn't you?
05:23And ours was with my therapist mate, Amber, so...
05:27Yeah.
05:28..I felt very safe.
05:29God, I didn't.
05:30She taught me several new ones.
05:31I need real-life case studies as well, so that's a shame.
05:34Well, just talk to Mum about her bingo addiction then,
05:36like I've been asking you.
05:37Yes, yes.
05:38No, I will, I will.
05:39Actually, Amy, it's not a bad idea, you know?
05:41Couples therapy.
05:42You and Maya do argue quite a lot.
05:44Yeah.
05:45It's improved Robin loads.
05:46Dream man.
05:47No.
05:48Apart from the sticker habit, he hasn't managed to shake that.
05:51What?
05:52No, they're sticky.
05:53Sticky.
05:54We might need to go back to Amber for that, actually.
05:56Oh, no, come on, babe.
05:57We don't need to go back to Amber.
05:58I'll give up the stickers, I promise.
05:59I will.
06:00Well, we'll see.
06:01Don't remember to go back to Amber, please.
06:02Come in this way, please, Mum.
06:03What's all this?
06:04You'll see.
06:05Oh, hi, Amy Love.
06:06Hi, Granny.
06:07Hello, hello.
06:08Rachel wants to speak to you.
06:09Do I?
06:10Yeah, she does.
06:11What, now?
06:12Yes, now.
06:13Oh, God.
06:14Oh, okay.
06:15Okay.
06:16Um, well...
06:17We're really worried about you, Mum.
06:19Well, no, we're not really worried.
06:20And you're gambling.
06:21Don't!
06:22So we're staging an intervention.
06:23No, that's not what we're doing.
06:24We're not.
06:25Please do not intervene on my intervention, Rachel.
06:26This is not how an intervention is done.
06:28I'm so sorry, Sue.
06:29Am I not going to bingo later on?
06:31Of course you are.
06:32No.
06:33Do what you like.
06:34Because I'll need to tell Bren if not.
06:35No.
06:36I'm saying no to bingo.
06:37You can't forbid her from doing something she wants.
06:39No, all it is, Sue, that we're worried that going to Mecca Bingo so often isn't that healthy.
06:46I don't eat there!
06:47No, no, no, not like that.
06:48More, you know...
06:49You're spaffing my inheritance, Mum.
06:50No.
06:51Well, she is.
06:52It's not.
06:53It's nothing to do...
06:54It's gambling.
06:55The high from gambling is highly addictive.
06:59And what we're worried about...
07:00I'm up!
07:01I've made more than I've lost.
07:03Have you?
07:04Really?
07:05How much have you made, then?
07:06About £140.
07:08Oh, that's fine then!
07:10No, it's not fine.
07:11It's not fine.
07:12That's not the point.
07:13Well, it's slightly the point.
07:14Keep going, I reckon, Sue.
07:15If you're making money...
07:16No, things can go very wrong in gambling very fast.
07:19Well, yeah, but they haven't...
07:20They haven't gone wrong.
07:21Rachel?
07:22Well, OK.
07:23But she's doing...
07:24It's a slippery slope.
07:25Yeah, it is.
07:26Yeah.
07:27It's a super slippery slope.
07:28These bingo halls, they do everything they can to reel you in and clean you out.
07:33Yeah.
07:34And if you're saving up for a round-the-world trip, Mum, it's a bad idea.
07:36A really bad idea.
07:37Right.
07:38Yes, well...
07:39Relax.
07:40There is a lady at Mecca called Ethel.
07:41Cool.
07:42And she's always inviting me over to play, erm, what do you call it?
07:46Uno?
07:47OK.
07:48Oh, my God, Uno!
07:49That's what I was going to...
07:50Well, yeah, great.
07:51Where's my Uno trophy?
07:52Erm, they're with your dad's archery ones, I think.
07:54Why?
07:55Erm, Maya doesn't believe I was the under-7's champion.
07:57Champion?
07:58Champion of what?
07:59I don't know, a county or something.
08:00Oh, look, here we go.
08:01A county champion?
08:02Amy, Uno champ, the best girl in bed.
08:05Cool.
08:06Oh, at least.
08:07Wow.
08:08Did you win a tournament then or something?
08:09I guess.
08:10Can't remember.
08:11It's going in the flat, though, in front of Maya's trampolining ones.
08:13Well, don't.
08:14See how she likes that?
08:15Apple.
08:16Yeah, Amy, you should...
08:17No, no, no, no, no, no.
08:18What?
08:19What is it?
08:21Oh!
08:22Oh, my God, what was that?
08:23If you leave the front door open, because it does that, the back door's open, too.
08:26You didn't close it either.
08:28Well, no, I know that, but...
08:29Oh, gold.
08:30Now look at what you've done, you dipstick.
08:32I'm coming, Atlas.
08:33Wind the bobbing up.
08:34Oh, no.
08:35Wind the bobbing up.
08:36Oh, no.
08:37I can't cope with that.
08:38Sam, can you shut the door, please?
08:40I just got it out of my head.
08:41Wind the bobbing up.
08:43Wind the bobbing up.
08:44Oh, my God.
08:45Pull, pull.
08:47Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.
08:50Oh.
08:51I can still hear her.
08:53Oh, no, Amy.
08:55Oh, dear.
08:57What's going on?
08:58Me and Maya broke up.
09:00Maya and I, but, yeah, oh, dear, oh, dear.
09:04What's happened this time, babe?
09:06Mum gave us couples' therapies, what happened?
09:08Oh, hang on, that's not why you...
09:10She told Maya we're not compatible.
09:12Well, no, I asked questions.
09:14I certainly didn't help or anything.
09:15And took her aside on everything.
09:16All right, don't blame your mother.
09:18You're slagging me off, comparing me to Dad.
09:20Well, they're two different things, aren't they?
09:22You're a menace.
09:23You shouldn't be anywhere near counselling.
09:25Oh, it'll blow over.
09:27Maya said I'm feckless.
09:29Whoa, that's bang out of order, that is, isn't it?
09:31Yeah.
09:32Is it?
09:33What does that mean?
09:34Well, it's a smushing together of effing and useless, isn't it?
09:36No, it's not.
09:37Is it not?
09:38I'll tell you what, I'll Google it, hang on.
09:39Who's going to keep the hamster?
09:41Who's going to keep the flat more to the point?
09:42I can't think about that right now.
09:44Feckless.
09:45Lacking purpose and strength of character.
09:47Incompetent.
09:48Yeah, I do know this one.
09:49I've been called this before.
09:50Right, you see?
09:51Yep.
09:52You are not feckless, Amy.
09:53No.
09:54I mean, you started a bang for one thing.
09:56Yeah, amen.
09:57I mean, that takes a lot of feck.
09:59You're certainly not incompetent.
10:01Is this even real?
10:02Did I actually win best girl in Bedford?
10:05I mean, even as I asked that, I realised I definitely didn't.
10:08You...
10:09You didn't...
10:10You didn't get anything at school prize-giving, so...
10:13You gave me a fake trophy.
10:14Oh, my God, that's tragic.
10:16Well, we thought it might cheer you up, you know.
10:18Well, that didn't work, did it?
10:19No.
10:20Look at me.
10:21It worked pretty well at the time, to be fair.
10:23Oh, no, Amy, please.
10:25I'll call Maya.
10:26I'll try and talk to her.
10:27I think you've done enough, don't you?
10:29Oh.
10:30Hello.
10:31Ethel Tyserst.
10:32Here's a player uno.
10:33Oh, hello, Ethel.
10:34Oh, come in.
10:36This is my family.
10:39Ethel Tyserst.
10:40Yeah, you said that.
10:41Oh, can I take your coat, Ethel?
10:43No, thank you.
10:44No.
10:45Why is he filming me?
10:46Yeah, he will do that.
10:47We can ask him to stop.
10:48And I'll say no.
10:49OK.
10:50Well, it doesn't matter.
10:51The government are watching me anyway.
10:53Oh, are they?
10:54Why?
10:55They want to know everything I'm up to, don't they?
10:58W-what are you up to?
11:00Nothing.
11:01Well, I'm not sure why they'll be doing that, then.
11:03For control.
11:04Right.
11:05Hence the plandemic.
11:06Ah, she's one of them.
11:07So, where are we playing then, Sue?
11:09Oh, oh, yes.
11:10Yes, this way.
11:11Go through.
11:12This way.
11:13Yeah, there might be a baby crying now and then on a monitor over there.
11:18Um, yeah, he's just in the other room and he is a very bad sleeper.
11:24OK, Dad.
11:25Would you like a sherry, Ethel?
11:27I brought me own, thanks.
11:28Right.
11:29I don't drink from open bottles in case they've been spiked with drugs or poison or both.
11:36Oh.
11:37You've brought your own glass as well.
11:38And I don't like leaving my DNA in case people try to clone me.
11:43Yeah, well, we won't be doing that.
11:46Dad, she can't sit there.
11:47That's the wrong chair for them.
11:48Oh, yeah.
11:49Uh, sorry, Ethel.
11:50Yeah, you can't.
11:51This is your chair.
11:52Why?
11:53Um, well, that's my mum's special one.
11:56Isn't it, Mum?
11:57What?
11:58They're exactly the same.
11:59Oh, yeah, yeah.
12:01That's right, sorry.
12:02Yeah.
12:03I love that chair, Ethel.
12:04Loves it.
12:05Specifically, that one.
12:06Ha-ha-ha!
12:07It's the way it is, isn't it?
12:10Chairs.
12:11Relax, Dad.
12:12And, um...
12:13Yeah.
12:14OK.
12:15That's...
12:16That's set.
12:17Good.
12:18Good game, ladies.
12:19Dad.
12:20I bid you good game.
12:21Stop talking, Dad.
12:22Where are the jammy Dodgers, Mum?
12:24Huh?
12:25Oh, I think you had them.
12:26Well, yeah, but did you buy any more?
12:28Oh, no.
12:29I must have forgotten.
12:30Sorry.
12:31Is she coming?
12:32It's 1.30.
12:33Yeah, I know.
12:34Welcome to my world.
12:35She'll be late.
12:36She's coming from work.
12:37Oh.
12:38Oh, is that for us?
12:39Can I have Fanta instead?
12:40That's not the way therapy works.
12:41You don't get to choose a drink.
12:42Did you get Fanta, Granny?
12:43Oh, no.
12:44Sorry, love.
12:45Oh.
12:46Is everything all right, Mum?
12:47Yeah.
12:48I just...
12:49Oh, there's Robin and the Merry Men.
12:51I mean, why are all three of them here?
12:53Oh, God.
12:54Hi, guys.
12:55Oi, oi.
12:56Didn't want to ring the bell in case the boy wonder was napping.
12:58How's he doing, Sue?
12:59All all right.
13:00Yeah, well, he downed his bottle, did a poo and fell asleep.
13:02Like father, like son, isn't it?
13:04That is pure class.
13:05Yeah, yeah.
13:06She's a baby.
13:07That's fine.
13:08Hi, Robin.
13:09And the rest of you.
13:10Not being rude, but why are you all here?
13:12Yes.
13:13All right, Rachel.
13:14Like the old sexy secretary thing.
13:15Well, thank you.
13:16Old school.
13:17We won't hang about.
13:18We're just here to...
13:19Come on then, Sam.
13:20What?
13:21What do you mean?
13:22Let the cat see the flap.
13:23Get your swapsies out, boy.
13:24Oh, no, sorry.
13:25I haven't been collecting the stickers.
13:26What?
13:27I thought you gave him an album.
13:28I did.
13:29No, I did.
13:30I didn't have a fortune filling it in.
13:31I mean...
13:32Oh, go on.
13:33I've scribed off the garden centre for this.
13:34Didn't ask you to do that.
13:35I would get in trouble with Mr Peters.
13:36I can't keep buying packets until I complete the album, lad.
13:38It'll clean me out.
13:39Yeah.
13:40I've already sold my car.
13:41Oh, my God, have you?
13:42Oh, I have, yeah.
13:43I mean, none of this is my fault.
13:45Well...
13:46I mean, well, maybe just don't complete the album.
13:49Oh, shut up, Paul.
13:50Not an option.
13:51How many inmates at school got?
13:52I think they've all grown out of that now.
13:54Yeah, quite.
13:55Why haven't you three grown out of it?
13:56Oh, that's the thing.
13:57You grow out of it and then eventually you grow back into it.
13:59You do.
14:00And what about Terry?
14:01You told her you were stopping.
14:02I will stop once I've completed the album.
14:04That's...
14:05Don't tell her.
14:06That is the plan.
14:07Please don't tell her.
14:08Okay.
14:09I think I've seen some of the junior school kids collecting.
14:10Okay, perfect.
14:11Perfect.
14:12I'm not sure three blokes loitering outside of junior school
14:13approaching little kids is perfect.
14:15Oh, come off it, love.
14:16Not all men are nonces.
14:17No, but all nonces are men.
14:19Hmm.
14:20Huh.
14:21I was trying to get my brain, that.
14:22No, it's deep.
14:23It's proper deep.
14:25Ah, that's Maya.
14:26Okay, so we're going to be in the lounge.
14:28Please do not disturb us.
14:29Okay.
14:30Parola, can you shut the back door in case someone slams again?
14:31Yeah, yeah.
14:32Okay.
14:33That's right.
14:34Here we go.
14:35That's what we're doing to us.
14:36So what?
14:37Well, there's no point, is there?
14:38Hi.
14:39All right.
14:40Oh, hi, Rachel.
14:41Sorry I'm late.
14:42I got stuck at the office.
14:43Yeah, Maya works extremely hard in case you didn't pick up.
14:45That's not what I was saying.
14:46Whereas I've got time to kill.
14:47Ah, stop bickering.
14:48Well, it's her.
14:49This is what she does.
14:50I know.
14:51You know.
14:52You're meant to be impartial.
14:53Let's start again.
14:54Um.
14:55Heh.
14:56Okay.
14:57Good luck.
14:58Right.
14:59Let's get this Sleeping Beauty out of here.
15:02I'll bag up Atlas's shit.
15:04Yeah.
15:05I've done that, Robin.
15:06He's got a new nappy on.
15:07Oh, no.
15:08Sorry, Sue.
15:09I mean his baby gubbins.
15:10Do you fancy collecting the stickers, Sue?
15:11Oh.
15:12Oh, that's very kind of you, Dean.
15:14Not sure it is.
15:15But, but, but, no.
15:16The money's a bit tight at the moment for that.
15:18What?
15:19What do you mean, Mum?
15:20Where's his monitor, Sue?
15:22Oh, well, the screen's on the table.
15:24Oh.
15:25But he napped in the lounge, so the camera's in there.
15:27Ah.
15:28Gotcha.
15:29Mum, what's...
15:30Mum's counselling Amy and Maya in the lounge.
15:32Yeah, well, don't listen in, Sam.
15:34It's meant to be private.
15:35I don't listen.
15:36So am I.
15:37Definitely.
15:38Guys, we can't do it.
15:40Hang about.
15:41I'll turn it off.
15:42She's not even made the bed.
15:43Yeah, because I'm against making beds on principle.
15:45Oh, OK, yeah.
15:46That's handy.
15:47We're only going to get back in in again.
15:48There's no point.
15:49Then what about emptying the bins?
15:50Yeah.
15:51Oh, there's no point in doing that if you just squish it back down.
15:53There's so much more space than you think.
15:55Well, you see, that is exactly like Paul.
15:56Well, don't bring me into it.
15:58But that's how you get bin juice.
15:59I know.
16:00I keep telling him to empty it, but he just doesn't do it.
16:02I will.
16:03I said I would and I will.
16:04She can't hear you, Dad.
16:05No, unless you press the talk button.
16:06Yeah, well, don't do that.
16:07I won't.
16:08Don't know that we're listening.
16:09With your apathy?
16:10Apathy.
16:11Mum, I can't deal with your judgment all the time.
16:14Yeah, well, when people have different values,
16:16it can put pressure on a relationship.
16:18Values?
16:19Particularly if money's tight, which it will be.
16:22You think we have different values?
16:23Well, we might explain why you keep breaking up.
16:25No, but we don't want you to explain it, Mum.
16:27No.
16:28We want you to fix it.
16:29Yeah, no, but you can't necessarily fix something
16:30if there's just, you know, basic lack of compatibility.
16:33Oh, my God.
16:34What are you doing?
16:35Do you want a biscuit?
16:36I'm going to turn it down.
16:37This has got me.
16:38Well, hang on.
16:39This isn't fun anymore.
16:40It's not fun anymore.
16:41It's getting eggy.
16:42All right, all right.
16:43Chill out.
16:44Mum, what were you saying earlier about money being tight?
16:50Has something happened?
16:53Oh, well, promise you won't be angry with me.
16:56Well, depends what it is.
16:58I won't be.
16:59I lost 1,500 pounds.
17:03Oh!
17:04Lost?
17:05How?
17:06What?
17:07Oh, Mum.
17:08Did you go back to Mecca?
17:10I told you, it's a super slippery slope.
17:12No, no.
17:13This is playing Uno with Ethel.
17:15What?
17:16You lost 1,500 boys playing Uno?
17:18Well, how did this even happen?
17:20Ethel kept topping up Miss Sherry and doubling each hand.
17:23Classic.
17:24She took 900 pounds off Lin West, apparently.
17:28I only found out afterwards.
17:30You got rolled, Sue.
17:31It does happen.
17:32Oh, Mum.
17:33What were you thinking?
17:35You're the one who told her to play Uno.
17:37Yeah, I didn't know there was a gambling version of Uno, Sam.
17:40Oh, yeah.
17:41It's big in India.
17:43Well, I'll never know now.
17:45Can't afford me big trip after this.
17:48I'm such an idiot!
17:49Oh, no.
17:50No, Mum.
17:52No.
17:53We'll get it back.
17:55How do we get it back?
17:56Any one way to do that?
17:57How?
17:58Double or quits, innit?
17:59It is.
18:00Rematch.
18:01Yeah, exactly.
18:02The only way to guarantee you don't lose when you gamble,
18:05you keep gambling.
18:07Well, that's appalling advice!
18:09Is it?
18:10And this Ethel woman is clearly a Uno, you know, grandmaster!
18:16Mum will just get cleaned out again!
18:18Well, not necessarily.
18:20Hmm?
18:21What do you mean?
18:23OK, so what's...
18:25Oh, Ethel hasn't got any reds.
18:27Sue should play a red.
18:28Sue should play a red.
18:29Sue should play a red.
18:30Don't push the talk back.
18:31OK, no, I...
18:32You'd have been a great baby.
18:37I was.
18:38All right, let me just...
18:39I'll look next door.
18:42Oh!
18:43Uno.
18:45Look, you just got lucky, that's all.
18:47It won't last.
18:53And that's 3-0.
18:55And it goes up to £400 a hand.
18:58My deal.
18:59Oh!
19:01Oh, I'll get it!
19:03No, you won't.
19:04OK, cool.
19:08Um, let's talk.
19:09Oh, hi, Maya.
19:10In here.
19:11Yeah, good idea.
19:12Good idea.
19:13Not you, Mum!
19:14Oh, my God!
19:16What's happened?
19:17Uh, she snapped a Uno trophy.
19:19Maybe help Robin with his sticker habit instead, Mum?
19:25Sam, I can't keep driving you in that list.
19:27All right.
19:28Hurry up.
19:29Stop filming.
19:30Hang on.
19:31Yes, yes, yes.
19:32Hang on.
19:33Is that Robin?
19:34Children!
19:35Back in cars, please!
19:36Oh, my God.
19:37Oh, no, no.
19:38Come on.
19:39Back in south.
19:40You guys!
19:41You should know better.
19:42Hang around outside.
19:43Get away!
19:45Aidan!
19:46Aidan!
19:47Where do you live?
19:48We'll be back at 3 o'clock.
19:49I know what you look like.
19:50What's your address?
19:51Come on, come on.
19:52We're going to hit up St Helens.
19:53We're going to hit up St Helens.
19:54Come on.
19:55Get in the car.
19:56Actually, they'll be on break in about 45 minutes, won't they?
19:57Yeah, yeah.
19:58Come on.
19:59Let's run.
20:01Er, let's try.
20:09On Satan's smelly old bumhole.
20:14Now, then.
20:16Wait!
20:18Oh!
20:19Is the baby all right?
20:20Is the baby all right?
20:22Anyone?
20:23I just picked up a green.
20:24I don't know.
20:25I don't know.
20:26What was that?
20:28Oh, they must be in there just trying to soothe him.
20:31Wah!
20:32Wah!
20:33Wah!
20:34Wah!
20:35Wah!
20:36Blue!
20:37Er, okay, so...
20:40Uno.
20:44And game.
20:46Something's off here.
20:47I can feel it in me waters.
20:49Oh, that'll be the humbugs, Ethel.
20:51They always give me the squids.
20:53Oh.
20:54We can stop if you like.
20:55No.
20:56I'm having a mint fag.
20:58Wow.
20:59That's a big box.
21:00I only trust fags imported from Turkey.
21:02Right.
21:03Bill Gates puts nanobox and asbestos in our wands.
21:06I mean, he doesn't, but whatever.
21:09Well, Amber says anyone who doubts you ever has to go.
21:13Ah!
21:14Ah!
21:15Ah!
21:16Ah!
21:17Ah!
21:18Yeah!
21:19Yeah!
21:20We're beating her like an...egg.
21:22Yeah.
21:23Yeah.
21:24Yeah.
21:25We're beating her into stiff, glossy peaks.
21:27Ah!
21:28Can I say bitch?
21:29No.
21:30No.
21:31Absolutely not.
21:32No.
21:33How's Amy?
21:34Oh, God, the usual.
21:35You know, hates me.
21:36Thinks I'm a terrible counsellor slash mum.
21:38Maybe she's right.
21:39Maybe I should back it in.
21:40Not being her mother.
21:42No.
21:43Being a counsellor.
21:44Ah!
21:45Yeah.
21:46Yeah.
21:47I mean, maybe it's not for me.
21:48No.
21:49What do you think?
21:52I mean, maybe you should speak to a counsellor.
21:55OK, thank you.
21:56Well done, Dad.
21:57Oh!
21:58There she is!
21:59Hey, Mum!
22:00Oh, yeah!
22:01Huh?
22:02Well done.
22:03Sit down, babe.
22:04How are you feeling?
22:05I'm absolutely shattered after that.
22:07Oh, well, come here, champ.
22:08I got you.
22:09I'm actually happy to stop now because...
22:11I've nearly made the money back that I need for my round-the-world trip.
22:15Oh, no.
22:16Oh, great.
22:17Don't you mean across the world?
22:18Oh.
22:19You can't go around it.
22:20It's flat.
22:21Well, it's not, but OK.
22:23And we're not stopping, thank you.
22:25Ooh.
22:26Double or quits.
22:27All in.
22:28Oh!
22:29Wow, that is a serious word to cash.
22:32That is one cheeky chunk.
22:34I carry all my money at all times in cash.
22:37Just to be safe.
22:38Safe?
22:39That's not safe.
22:40You want to put it in a safe if you want it to be safe.
22:42Or, you know, a bank.
22:43I don't use banks, thank you.
22:45They're all owned by paedophiles.
22:47Oh, no!
22:48Are they?
22:49Well, no.
22:50So, I mean, why would they be?
22:52No.
22:53Banks, politics, Hollywood, Happy Eater, all run by paedos.
22:57They're everywhere.
22:58Happy Eater?
22:59There were some at my nephew's school last week.
23:01What?
23:02Were there?
23:03Three of the sickos were caught, bothering little'uns.
23:06Claimed they were trying to swap football stickers.
23:09But they were definitely paedos, apparently.
23:11From luck of them.
23:16That's...
23:17Oh.
23:18My.
23:19God.
23:20Come on, Sue.
23:21One last round.
23:22Three grand.
23:23Winner takes all.
23:24Come on, Mum.
23:25Alright, you got this.
23:26You got this.
23:27Go on, Granny.
23:28Come on.
23:29I've so nearly completed the album.
23:32It's just if I can't...
23:33It's actually gross.
23:34You're actually gross.
23:35It's gross.
23:36You and your weird little friends are gross.
23:37I've got 37 stickers to go.
23:38I can't stop now.
23:39I can't stop now, babe.
23:40I've had a child with you.
23:41Yeah.
23:42So embarrassing, that is.
23:43It's embarrassing.
23:44I can't.
23:45Babe, can we just talk about our home?
23:46You are not going home tonight.
23:47You are sleeping here with Atlas.
23:50And tomorrow, I am calling Amber.
23:52Oh, no!
23:53Yes, I am.
23:54Please don't make me go back to Amber.
23:55Tess!
23:56We need couples therapy, Robin, and you're paying.
23:59Oh.
24:00Shit.
24:04Oh, Sue.
24:05Yep.
24:09Oh, my life.
24:12There's times like this that make me wonder if collecting football stickers is even worth it at all.
24:15I mean, of course it isn't, Robin.
24:17Hang on.
24:18Back door's still open.
24:19Yeah, and?
24:20So that means that the front door's going to do that.
24:23Oh!
24:24Oh!
24:25What was that?
24:26Oh.
24:27Oh, no.
24:28That's...
24:29What happened?
24:30The front door slammed again.
24:31Is the baby all right, Paul?
24:33The baby all right?
24:35He's awake, Sue.
24:36The baby's awake.
24:37Yeah, we're sorry, Mum.
24:39We didn't think he'd actually wake up.
24:41What are you talking about?
24:42He's been crying all bloody night.
24:44Oh, yeah.
24:45Well, can you get him back to sleep, Robin?
24:47Not normally, no.
24:49I'd try.
24:50Yeah.
24:51Do we stop or what?
24:53No, we're not stopping.
24:54So what do I...?
24:56You're just going to have to win, Mum.
24:58Like...
24:59Like you've won every hand so far.
25:01You can do it.
25:10Yes.
25:11And pick up, too.
25:13Put that in your arse and smoke it.
25:15What?
25:16Oh, my, uh...
25:17Are you off?
25:18Uh, yeah.
25:19I, um...
25:20Yep.
25:21Uh, bye, Rachel.
25:23Not thank you for everything.
25:26Oh.
25:27Yes, no.
25:28No worries.
25:29Bye.
25:30Bye, Maya.
25:31Bye.
25:38Everything okay?
25:39Uh-huh.
25:40All good.
25:41Oh, phew.
25:42What a relief.
25:43I thought it ruined everything.
25:44We broke up.
25:45Okay.
25:46But we had to.
25:48You were right.
25:50You said what we needed to hear.
25:52Mm.
25:53You're actually quite a good counsellor, turns out.
25:55Mm.
26:02Oh, Paul.
26:03That's wiped the grin off your chops, hasn't it?
26:05Mm.
26:06How's it going, Sam?
26:07This is the last hand.
26:08They're paying for £3,000.
26:10Come on, Mum.
26:11Oh, girl.
26:12Oh.
26:13Come on, sit.
26:14Oh.
26:15Miss-a-go.
26:16And...
26:17Oh.
26:18Yes!
26:19Eat that!
26:20Gobble that up!
26:21No-one beats Ethel Veronica Tyshurst.
26:22No-one.
26:23Oh, Mum.
26:24I'll be having this.
26:25Oh, sir.
26:26Hang on.
26:27What?
26:28You didn't say Uno.
26:29Oh.
26:30I did.
26:31She's right.
26:32You didn't.
26:33That's a two-car penalty.
26:34I did.
26:35Of course I did.
26:36You didn't, actually.
26:37And I was filming it all, if you want to check.
26:39Pick up two, Ethel.
26:40Name's the rules.
26:41Your go, then, Granny.
26:42Only Mum.
26:43Uno.
26:44Uno.
26:45Uno.
26:46Dave!
26:47No!
26:48No!
26:49No!
26:50No!
26:51No!
26:52No!
26:53No!
26:54No!
26:55No!
26:56No!
26:57No!
26:58No!
26:59No!
27:00No!
27:01No!
27:02No!
27:03No!
27:04No!
27:05No!
27:06No!
27:07No!
27:08No!
27:09No!
27:10Yes, Granny!
27:11Cheat!
27:12You cheated!
27:13I don't know how, but you cheated me.
27:16All of you.
27:17You're all in on it.
27:18Yeah, all right.
27:19Another conspiracy theory.
27:20You're paranoid, mate.
27:22Amy.
27:23Amy, you saved my bacon.
27:25Yeah, yeah.
27:26Never underestimate the under sevens champion.
27:29Still the best girl in bed.
27:31Yeah.
27:32I still know the rules, yeah.
27:33Actually, let's get our trophy.
27:34Where's our trophy?
27:35Oh, I put it in the bin.
27:36Why did you put it in the bin?
27:38Oh, because of that.
27:39Get that camera out of my face.
27:40I feel like Princess Diana here.
27:42Found it.
27:43She's still alive, you know.
27:44That was fake.
27:45Cool.
27:46Bye.
27:47Oh, the baby's still crying.
27:48I should probably...
27:49No.
27:50Ta-da!
27:51Yay!
27:52There you are.
27:53Yeah.
27:54Oh.
27:55Yay!
27:56Yeah, yeah.
27:57Now you're pleased I didn't empty the bin.
27:59You're welcome.
28:00Don't kiss it.
28:01It's covered in salmon.
28:02Ugh.
28:03You're welcome.
28:04You're welcome.
28:05Get the boat right back in the bin.
28:06See you talking about.
28:07You're welcome.
28:08I'm out of my house.
28:09Be awesome.
28:10I'm going to do that.
28:11I'm here for two.
28:12I'll let you know.
28:13The boat and keep dancing.
28:14The boat's in the battle with me.
28:15I'm going to do it.
28:16I'm going to do it.
28:17The boat's out.
28:18Wow, the boat's in the tensile.
28:19I'm going to do it.
28:20Okay, I'm going to do it.
28:21You're welcome.
28:22The boat's in the boat.
28:23Him to do it.
28:24The boat is out.
28:25At the boat's at the boat.
28:26One, two, three.
28:27To do it.
28:28A boat's OUT of my house.
28:29To do it.
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