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Mr Bigstuff Season 2 Episode 3 - Full Movie
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Short filmTranscript
00:00The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:30It was for a cruise.
00:37You were blackmailing me for a cruise?
00:42I may have gone a tad far.
00:45A tad? A fucking tad!
00:48Hold up.
00:50How did you get hold of the photo?
00:52After my departure from the old job, I saw you in the car.
00:56I suppose I was envious of your thing.
01:00There was no thing. It wasn't a thing.
01:03At first I just wanted to shit you up.
01:06But then life took a turn.
01:08Sheila evicted me, froze my bank cards.
01:12I've been living in our caravan ever since.
01:14Ian, you threatened me.
01:15Well, you started it.
01:17I was going to leave it alone and then you sent me that goading voice note.
01:22So where does the fucking cruise come in?
01:24Yeah.
01:25Well, I mean I became a little fixated with our friendship, Lee.
01:29But then I realised there was a bigger underlying issue that needed to be addressed.
01:35And the money was to pursue that hobby.
01:42It was for a...
01:48A...
01:49A what?
01:51A Neptune gay cruise.
01:55Okay.
01:57Right.
01:59Oh.
02:00What?
02:01So...
02:04Because you've met me, you've realised...
02:09Finish your chips.
02:10Sorry?
02:11Finish your fucking chips.
02:12Oh.
02:14I've fucked up a lot in my life.
02:17I need to start putting it right.
02:20And when I do, you're going to delete that photo from your phone, yes?
02:23What?
02:24Because mark my words, Ian.
02:26I swear as God is my fucking witness.
02:29What's happening?
02:30I'm going to get you a bit of cock.
02:32Oh.
02:33Mm-mm.
02:34You want to finish?
02:35We're finish.
02:36Open another one then, Glenn.
02:37Mm-mm.
02:38Look what I've got.
02:39Christ.
02:40Mum, he took my bear.
02:41Don.
02:42Don.
02:43Don.
02:44It's not fair on him.
02:45Mum, he took my bear.
02:46Don.
02:47Don.
02:48Don.
02:49Don.
02:50It's not fair on him.
02:51Mum, he took my bear.
02:53Don.
02:54Don.
02:55Don.
02:56Don.
02:57Don.
02:58Don.
02:59Don.
03:00Don.
03:01Don.
03:02Don.
03:03Don.
03:04Don.
03:06Don.
03:07Don, it's not fair on him.
03:08It's not-
03:19Don.
03:20Don.
03:21Don.
03:22Don.
03:23Don.
03:24Don.
03:25Don.
03:27Don.
03:28Don.
03:34Oh my god.
03:57Alright. Nippy out.
04:04How do you want to do this?
04:14Shall I start or...?
04:19Erm, very well.
04:25Is he joining in?
04:27Don't worry about me. I'm just here for moral support. You crack on.
04:31Really? I'm not quite sure this is...
04:34Ian, if you want a bit of Savaloi, you've got to get amongst it.
04:37Well, perhaps. Although I do think...
04:40Carp-fucking-DM. Ain't that right? Eh?
04:45Yeah, you know what? I'm good.
04:48He's probably not into gingers.
04:54Huh.
04:57Alright, love. I'm back.
05:00The party's over.
05:10It's time to fall in a...
05:12No, no, no. No, no.
05:15Sorry. Um...
05:17Sorry, it's just no-one's lit it since Mum.
05:21Right. Is it for Lee? It says Lee.
05:24No, wrong envelope.
05:26Oh, right.
05:27Oh, is that videotape?
05:29What's on it?
05:30Nothing much.
05:31Just old home video, Christmas 1994.
05:34Aw, let's see little kids.
05:36No, I'd rather not.
05:37It's just, um...
05:39Bit weird seeing it as an adult.
05:41Really?
05:42Hmm.
05:43It's not...
05:44I remember that Dad was, um...
05:47Yeah.
05:48Aw, love.
05:49Hmm.
05:50Don't overthink it.
05:51You know, blokes back then, Glenn, they were all weird, weren't they?
05:55You know, emotionally distant.
05:57It's before they had podcasts.
05:59Well, if Lee weren't, bloody loved Lee.
06:02Everyone always does.
06:04Tea?
06:05Hmm?
06:06Tea, do you want one?
06:07Do you ever fancy him cast?
06:09I'd rather.
06:10What?
06:11Lee.
06:12It's all right, I won't mind.
06:13Er...
06:14No, Glenn, I...
06:15It's mind-cursed.
06:16I mean, you know...
06:17No, Glenn, I don't...
06:18It's all right.
06:19I think a lot of people probably...
06:20I don't, Glenn.
06:21No.
06:22I'm not into, you know, all that.
06:24I'm into you.
06:26Do you remember when I kept going,
06:30oh, why do the bins smell like holiday?
06:32Yeah.
06:33And it was cos you'd put Summer Bree's air fresheners under the bin bag?
06:35Yeah.
06:36Who does that?
06:37You.
06:38You're wonderful.
06:40And I have got a little surprise for you when you wake up.
06:44A little surprise for me?
06:45What?
06:46Yeah.
06:47Like a little bit of morning...
06:48I think, actually, it's better than that.
06:50Uh-oh, oh!
06:51Oh!
06:52Oh.
06:53Oh!
06:54Oh!
06:57Oh!
06:58Oh!
06:59Oh!
07:01Oh!
07:03Oh!
07:35You know, man, some love, I got me out there.
08:05I think you need a time-out, young man.
08:16What? What are you? What was happening?
08:18Just go with it.
08:19Go with what? What are you?
08:20I'm Joe Frost. I'm Joe Frost, remember?
08:22Who's Joe Frost?
08:23Joe Frost, super nanny. It's unacceptable behaviour.
08:26What?
08:26It's Madame persona, isn't it?
08:28It's just like, you know, okay, fine, fine.
08:31Call me madam.
08:32You're on the memory phone cast.
08:33Yeah, I'm out. Okay, call me, um, Miss.
08:37No, no, call me mummy.
08:38Kirsty!
08:39Well, not actually your mum.
08:41Kirsty!
08:42No, obviously. I'm trying stuff out.
08:44We're trying stuff out, aren't we?
08:45It's a lot cursed.
08:47I know, I know.
08:49It's just these boots.
08:50It makes me feel powerful, you know, like,
08:53I can do anything, like, wow, you know?
08:55I can say it's terrifying.
08:57Like, sexy terrifying, or?
08:59Because I don't want you to be a character, like you, didn't I?
09:04I just like it when, you know, very you.
09:06Yeah.
09:09Okay, well, I'll return them, then.
09:11Shall I make you some toast while you get ready for work?
09:14Is that acceptable?
09:27The Snow chromosome
09:28Some people say a man is made out of mud
09:34A poor man's made out of muscle and blood
09:37Muscle, and blood, and skin, and bones
09:40A mind that's weak, and a back that's strong
09:43You load sixteen ton, what do you get?
09:47Another day older and deeper than death
09:49St. Peter don't you call me cause I can't go I owe my soul to the company store
10:16Oops
10:18I dislodged a satsuma
10:20Well pick it up then
10:27No
10:30You what?
10:35I said
10:40No
10:43Alright fine Christ
10:45Pam I know there's something going on around here something I'm not being told
10:51You're gonna squash your orange
10:53You wouldn't hide anything from me would you Pam?
10:57Oh
10:58Good so I know that we're holding a consignment of pallets for a company called Elbas Exchange Group
11:03Don't know anything about that
11:04Pam
11:05I'm not allowed to talk about it
11:10That's better
11:11Ron he he's not gonna take on the contracts because um
11:16Oh he's got fucking scruples
11:19When's the meeting?
11:22Pamela
11:23When
11:25Is the meeting?
11:31Weird Ian
11:31Seeing him on that video
11:33That's probably all back
11:35Right yes
11:36Sorry Lee
11:38Look I don't think
11:39I mean we were close me and Ian
11:41Yes and we absolutely must chat that through but I'm not sure that this is um
11:47Oh god
11:53Anyway it don't matter now
11:55Trails gone dead
11:57All we've got is this kill sock
11:59Lee
12:00Lee
12:01The kill sock
12:03I've googled it nothing
12:04Lee
12:06There's someone here
12:08Oh right well erm
12:10We'll cop hold of it and fill your boots son
12:12No no no
12:13Look I'm not sure I'm ready but
12:17Oh Craig
12:18Kill sock
12:19What the fuck is it?
12:21Very well
12:25Sorry?
12:26Did you say kill sock?
12:28Yeah I did yeah
12:29Blimey
12:30I ain't heard that in years
12:31What?
12:32What you know it?
12:33Kellum Social Club
12:34It's just off the 812
12:36Is it?
12:37Fucking hell
12:39Don't you mind
12:40I'll watch how you go
12:41Yeah no I will do so
12:42Cheers
12:46Yes
12:51Do you know I
12:52I'm not sure I'm in the mood
12:54Ah shit
12:55Text from the grandkid
12:57Put me right off
12:58Oh
12:59Well okay okay don't
13:03Bye now
13:04Sales i-shirt's about connecting with a customer
13:16Yes bro yes I feel you
13:18Wow wow
13:19Okay right well yeah and if you can do that if you can forge that connection it's amazing you know it's making people happy
13:25Yeah
13:26Yeah yeah no totally
13:27Why are you chatting I'm on the phone
13:29Nice one hustler roll safe my G
13:33Soz but it's proper difficult getting a doctor's appointment now
13:36Honestly Aisha please please please I need to sell stuff otherwise we are fucked and we're screwed
13:41Bro why's your dick in a twist who cares about audits this place is well dodgy it's probably like a front or sink no one buys carpet no more
13:52Right okay well
13:54Shit your brother
13:55Oh well
13:56That's not my problem
13:57Glenn
13:58We need to go
13:59I found Kelsock
14:00It's dad's club
14:01Hi
14:02No no I can't just go now
14:03What the fuck are you talking about this is dad
14:05Do you want a Lucas Aid sport?
14:06I have to close the shop and we've got an audit coming up?
14:09Who gives a fuck about an audit?
14:10I actually said that to him
14:12You can look up in the shop can't you?
14:14Me?
14:15Yeah no of course
14:17Really?
14:18I don't think you can
14:19I can do this in my sleep bro
14:20Fucking watch
14:21Alright
14:22Lively
14:23Hey
14:24Alright
14:25Gonna sell so much bro
14:30Just wait
14:31Gonna sell the fuck out of these carpets
14:33Sorry could you help me with a
14:36I think the guy just left
14:37Yeah yeah yeah
14:44Couple of hours
14:45I'd have knocked it up
14:46No
14:47You need a desk don't ya
14:48No
14:49Honestly Pam it's not necessary
14:51Oh that'll be your coffee
14:53How do you want it?
14:54Dairy milk or oat?
14:55Ooh
14:56Erm
14:57Dealers choice
15:01Oi oi
15:02Anyone own?
15:04Mum
15:05What?
15:06How did you get this address?
15:07Fuck off it's hardly GCHQ is it?
15:09It's nearly my birthday
15:10We're gonna do us a little mum-daughter manicure
15:12Well no I can't just leave work mum
15:14Okay?
15:15I've got very important meetings
15:16They are
15:17That did you a mix
15:18Oaty sweet with a dairy finish
15:21And who are you when you're at home?
15:23Excuse me?
15:24I'm Pam
15:25Pam?
15:27As in Pamela
15:28Crikey
15:29So is it you she's doing these very important meetings with then?
15:32Yes erm
15:33Erm
15:34So if you've got those quarterly reports for me Pam
15:36And if you could pop this in my office for me
15:40Well thank you
15:41What you mean the bulk room?
15:42Where am I gonna put it?
15:43You've got all your mops in there
15:45You've got buckets on the toilet see?
15:47Oh hang on
15:48You?
15:49No actually erm
15:50I do have a couple of hours to spare
15:52So erm
15:53I'm gonna pop out
15:54Okay?
15:55Back soon
15:56And yeah I will need those by end of play
15:58Okay?
15:59Ditch the boots Cursed
16:00Because I am not trekking round Westfield with Xenia Warrior Princess
16:03Thank you
16:04Got her in a gaff in Enfield
16:07She's beautiful isn't she?
16:09She's disgusting
16:10She's 20 quid a day mate
16:12I knew dad would like a boozer like this
16:15He loved a shithole didn't he?
16:17What a bloke
16:18What a bloke
16:19This is it Glenn
16:20I can feel it
16:21Let's fucking do this
16:23I can do this
16:38Oh shit
16:41It's a fucking wakely
16:42Glenn
16:43Stay
16:44We can't
16:45Why can't we?
16:46The pints
16:47The pints
16:48Are calling
16:49No way so we've come all this way now
16:51You wanna leave
16:52Glenn
16:53Glenn
17:02And down the mountain side
17:08The summer's gone
17:11And all the roses falling
17:16It's you, it's you
17:18Must go
17:19And I must
17:21Bite
17:24Who the fuck are you?
17:28Sorry, we'll just go in actually
17:31No we're not
17:32We're Andy's mates
17:33Oh you're mates of Andy?
17:34Why didn't you say so?
17:36Do you hear that chaps?
17:37They're Andy's mates
17:38Yeah Andy
17:39He was a proper geezer
17:40That is Sandy you cunt
17:42The carnations were wilted
17:44This is a private function
17:45Get out
17:46Absolutely
17:47Yep yep come on
17:48Yeah alright no we don't know him
17:49We're looking for someone
17:50They're fucking roses
17:51Of course we ain't fucking roses
17:52Well he is
17:53Can't even do plain clothes brother
17:55Looks like he's on a school trip
17:56It's a workshop
17:57Jimmy
17:58Alright alright
17:59Listen we're Don's sons
18:01Don Campbell
18:02We're trying to find him
18:04We've heard that you's lot know where he is
18:06Mary and Joseph
18:07He's to spit
18:08Now there you go see
18:09I'm Don's boy
18:10I don't care
18:11If you're Don's great granny
18:13You ain't getting his whereabouts out of me
18:15Now sling your fucking hooks
18:17Apologies that will be off
18:18Sorry
18:19It's close
18:20So we want to find him
18:21We want to make amends
18:22Because
18:24We miss him
18:26What?
18:27You've done your fucking tune haven't you?
18:28I'm doing this for you Dwight
18:31Ignore him
18:32Me and me Dad were peas in a pod
18:33He's a mummy's boy
18:34You know what I mean
18:35so go and get yourself a Vimto.
18:44We only do J2O.
18:45Sure. On the rocks.
18:49I'll have a bit of Crimson Scandal, sounds like me.
18:52And what colour would you like?
18:53Oh, she'll just have nude.
18:54I think it's great you've got a job, you know?
18:56And look, there is no shame in being a cleaner.
18:58Mum, I'm not a cleaner.
19:00Oh, in the flat below me does it.
19:01Of course, she's 72 and just a one foot from diabetes, but still.
19:05I've actually got quite big plans for the company.
19:08I'm a stakeholder.
19:10Yeah, in fact, I should probably get back there quite soon
19:12because I've got to catch up with Ron
19:13and then I've got a meeting tomorrow.
19:15Kirsty, love, remember what happened last time
19:17you tried to be impressive?
19:19That interview for the flashy uni?
19:21You had a nervy B and came out in a stress rash
19:23before we even got through the door.
19:25I had to take her home, crying her eyes out, she was.
19:27Faced like a fucking summer pudding.
19:30Just trying to look out for you, love.
19:32I'm your mum.
19:34Mm-hm, yeah.
19:35You going to help me out then, I'm up?
19:39Don wouldn't want surprised guests.
19:42So he lives round here, does he?
19:43Don't push it, son!
19:45No, no, I'm not pushing it, OK?
19:47You don't seem as keen.
19:49Looking for him.
19:50Oh.
19:50He's, er...
19:51It's complicated.
19:55He's got Don's swagger.
19:58You know him as well, then.
20:00Don't tell me.
20:01Top-notch bloke.
20:02Yeah, he's decent.
20:03Doesn't like these pricks.
20:05Yeah.
20:06Take another.
20:08Might come in handy.
20:09Perhaps.
20:10There, man.
20:11Eh?
20:12Hmm?
20:12I've had a lot of memories.
20:14Come flying back.
20:15He used to come and watch me play football every Sunday.
20:17He was the loudest geezer there he was.
20:19He was like,
20:19Go on, son!
20:20He was like fucking fog on, he was.
20:22Oh, that's him.
20:23That's dumb.
20:23Yeah, I see.
20:24Look, here, get on this one.
20:25I'm all right.
20:26You all right?
20:26Not bad.
20:28He gets it, look.
20:29He's sent.
20:32Get on this way, March.
20:33Yeah, I'm all right.
20:34You all right?
20:36I thought we should consider it.
20:38Consider it.
20:39We're missing.
20:40He was a great daddy.
20:40Ha-ha!
20:45Was he?
20:46But if you've forgotten, Lee,
20:47he fucking abandoned us, eh, Mum?
20:49Oh, we're Jimmy Cranky's piped up.
20:51I'm doing it, ain't I?
20:53I'm finding you're fucking dead for you.
20:55Yeah.
20:57Right, well.
21:00Maybe we're not so keen.
21:02Anymore.
21:02Yeah.
21:06Well, fuck off, then.
21:07I'll do it on me own.
21:16Probably for the best.
21:17He'd only be disappointed.
21:26Now, where was I?
21:27Me and the old man.
21:28We were very close.
21:29And that bond is very...
21:31Oh!
21:35Maria's quiche!
21:40You've quiche'd me.
21:42Yeah, I quiche'd you.
21:43You're asking for it?
21:44Jimmy, get those cunts out of here!
21:47Out of here!
21:48Out of here!
21:48Out of here!
21:56Maria's buffet!
21:58What the fuck?
22:18That was meant for him.
22:22Hey, get out.
22:25Shut up, you know.
22:28Get out!
22:30Get out!
22:31Get out!
22:33Get out!
22:35Get out!
22:37Get out!
22:38Fuck off!
22:39Get out!
22:40Get out!
22:41Fuck off!
22:42Get out!
22:43Get out!
22:44Come on!
22:45Fuck off!
22:46What are you doing?
22:47You're not a big fucking footy prick like you and Dad.
22:50Whatever.
22:51Don't you fucking cry, innit?
22:52You're all right?
22:53What's the matter with you?
22:54That means my Dad didn't love me!
22:56You're right, Lee.
22:57Even if we do find him, if we go there, he's not going to want me there, is he?
23:02Because I'm not you.
23:03Bollocks!
23:04You're like Mum.
23:05I'm like Dad.
23:06End of.
23:07No, no.
23:08She loved you.
23:09She kind of loved me.
23:10She never forgave me.
23:11She gave you everything.
23:12She left me nothing.
23:13Not one thing.
23:14Maybe it's because you abandoned her.
23:17Some people aren't built for family, Glenn.
23:20Me and Dad, we're the same.
23:22But he loves you.
23:23Do you know why I know that?
23:27Because I fucking love you.
23:29You dickhead.
23:31Come and fucking kill us, Lee.
23:33That is stupid.
23:35Follow me.
23:37Follow me.
23:39Hey, Banner!
23:40Yeah!
23:41I'm dead, y'all!
23:42Yeah!
23:43So if you're south of the border, I mean a town in the mix of colds.
23:52And you wanna get straight, man, don't hesitate, just look up a cat named Joe.
24:00He wears a red bandana, plays a blues piano
24:06In a honky ton, down in Mexico
24:10He wears a purple sash, and a black mustache
24:14In a honky ton, down in Mexico
24:18Bring me the fucking edge!
24:24Well, looks like we fucked it
24:32Sorry
24:34Yeah, well, looks like Big Dom wants to stay lost
24:38There's nothing we can do about it
24:39I've got Keisha on your jacket
24:42Come here, I've got wet wipes
24:44What's that?
24:48It's Dad's dress
24:54Well, fuck my old boats
25:00He's minted
25:02He wears a crazy little place that I know
25:07To wear the drinks so hotter than the chili sauce
25:12And the boss is a cat named Joe
25:16He wears a red bandana, plays a blues piano
25:22In a honky ton, down in Mexico
25:26He wears a purple sash, and a black mustache
25:31In a honky ton, down in Mexico
25:41You
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