- 2 days ago
South Park Season 26 Episode 3
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
01:07Well, let's see.
01:08It's going to be the little black floaty thingy.
01:12What'd you do to it?
01:13I didn't do anything.
01:15Let me see if there's water in the bowl.
01:16No!
01:17Don't lift the lid!
01:18Why can't I lift the lid?
01:20Don't, Randy!
01:21Uh-huh.
01:23Hey, guys!
01:24Your mom took a shit and doesn't want me to see it.
01:27Ew!
01:27Gross, Dad!
01:29Randy, we need to get a new toilet.
01:31We can't just get rid of old Blue, Sharon.
01:34This is embarrassing.
01:35It's the powder room toilet.
01:37The one guests use.
01:38You get a new toilet, Randy, or I'm not helping you sell weed anymore.
01:43Right, all right.
01:44Sharon, you win.
01:45As usual.
01:48Poor old Blue.
01:58Can I help you with anything?
01:59Oh, yeah.
02:00Just looking for a new toilet to replace old Blue.
02:02All right.
02:03Hey, well, all our toilets here are standard bowl.
02:05Come with full warranty.
02:06How much are you looking to spend?
02:07Well, I'm not poor.
02:08I happen to have my own weed business.
02:10So that's pretty much the nicest one you have, right?
02:13Yeah, that's probably the top model, you know, before you start getting into the Japanese
02:16toilets.
02:18Japanese toilets?
02:19Yeah, they're sort of the super high-class luxury models with all the bells and whistles,
02:23but you probably don't want to spend that kind of money.
02:25I'm not poor.
02:27Oh, well, we can show them to you.
02:30The Japanese toilets are right over there.
02:37Hi, Rick.
02:38This gentleman would like to see the Japanese toilets.
02:41Well, of course, sir.
02:42My name is Rick.
02:43Let me know if there's anything you need.
02:47These toilets are all equipped with the highest-end features, including an automatic bidet system,
02:51Bluetooth capability, and seat warmers.
02:53Seat warmers?
02:55Of course.
02:55And the toilet senses when you've come into the room, turns on a small light, plays welcome
02:59music, and raises the lid for you.
03:01Can I offer you some sparkling water or champagne?
03:04Oh, sure.
03:05I'll take some champagne.
03:06All the toilet's functions are operated by a touch-button remote, which you mount where
03:11the toilet paper roll used to go.
03:13So then where do you keep the toilet paper?
03:15With a Japanese toilet, you don't need toilet paper.
03:18The toilet washes you completely clean.
03:20You're mad.
03:23No, it's true.
03:26It has warm water in a dryer and cleans you eight times better than toilet paper can.
03:30Would you like to take one for a test drive?
03:35Oh, uh, sure.
03:36I did have kind of a big breakfast.
03:38Right over here.
03:39I'm so glad I got the steps.
03:47I don't see how to trek my mat.
03:55Aye.
03:56Ah.
03:58Ah, yeah.
03:58Aye, aye.
03:59Ah, yeah.
04:00Oh.
04:01Ah.
04:01Oh.
04:03Whoa.
04:03Oh.
04:04Oh.
04:04Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
04:20Oh, oh.
04:27Okay, how much?
04:28Guys, I wanted to talk to you because I want you all to think about how we're viewed as
04:36a family.
04:38You know, as a prominent weed dealer, we are successful, and we're sort of looked up to
04:43in this town because we have nice things that most families can't afford.
04:48I mean, Stan, you're playing Hogwarts Legacy on PS5, right?
04:51You're playing Hogwarts Legacy on a PS5?
04:54Yeah, my point is that most people in town don't even have a PS5.
04:57They still have PS4s, and so we're basically the Kennedys of South Park.
05:03And the plain fact is that well-off families have nice things, and we shouldn't be ashamed
05:10of that.
05:11Oh, new toilets here.
05:15Ah, yes, thank you.
05:19Bring it on in.
05:20That's the new toilet?
05:30How much did it cost?
05:31Oh, Sharon, ten-ish.
05:34What's ten-ish?
05:36Ten-ish.
05:36Thousand-ish.
05:37Ten thousand-ish.
05:39You spent ten thousand dollars on a toilet?
05:42We don't have that kind of money, Randy.
05:43Yeah, we do.
05:45Excuse me.
05:46It's over.
05:47Oh, okay, yeah, right here.
05:48Okay.
05:56Okay, thanks.
06:03You are taking that back to the store.
06:06Try it, Sharon.
06:07I don't need to, Randy.
06:08Try it, Sharon.
06:09I want to try it.
06:29Shh.
06:30Oh.
06:32Oh.
06:39Oh, look.
06:40There he goes.
06:41It's Mr. Big Shot.
06:44Hey, Richie Rich.
06:46You eating caviar for lunch today, Richie Rich?
06:52Stan, just so you know, nobody gives a shit.
06:57About what?
06:58Come on, guys.
07:02Did you know some people can't even afford to eat?
07:05How about caring for something that matters, you bitch?
07:07What the fuck?
07:11Hey, Stan, you really have to be careful.
07:13Of what?
07:15Look, it's great that you come from a wealthy family, but people don't like getting their
07:18noses rubbed in it.
07:19Dude, I haven't even said anything.
07:22Well, your dad called everyone last night and told them you have a $10,000 toilet.
07:26What?
07:28Well, thanks for having us over for brunch, Randy.
07:31Yeah.
07:32What's a special occasion?
07:34Oh, you know, just good times with dear friends.
07:36Does anyone need to go to the bathroom?
07:39Uh, no, I'm good.
07:41Oh, maybe some more coffee, then.
07:42Can you guys believe all the snow we've gotten?
07:45Yeah, maybe it will actually help with the drought.
07:47Well, let's hope so.
07:48Does anyone need a bathroom break?
07:52Well, actually, I think I could use the restroom.
07:54That was kind of a big breakfast.
07:56Oh, oh, yeah, sure.
07:57It's right across the hallway, right there.
08:00Excuse me.
08:00Excuse me.
08:00Excuse me.
08:02Oh, what was that?
08:10Oh, that's the welcome music for my Japanese toilet.
08:13I've been of those.
08:14Aren't they expensive?
08:15Yeah, a bit.
08:16But for those of us who can afford it, it's well worth it.
08:20Oh, oh.
08:22Oh.
08:22Oh.
08:23He's now turned on the rear jet, which cleans your bottom with warm water.
08:28Oh, oh.
08:29Oh.
08:31That's the front washer that washes your balls or vagina.
08:36If you think about it, a dry piece of toilet paper can't clean you half as well as pressurized water.
08:41I feel bad that most people have to walk around with fecal matter on their anus, but I'm just lucky I've sold enough weed to be able not to.
08:49But was it really luck or was it hard work?
08:51Heck, I don't know.
08:53But, you know...
08:53Dad, can I talk to you?
08:55Stan, you're back from school already?
08:56I need to talk to you right now.
08:59The fuck are you doing?
09:01The fuck are you doing?
09:02You need to stop gloating to everybody.
09:04I am not gloating.
09:05Yes, you are.
09:06And now kids at school are calling me Richie Rich.
09:09They are?
09:10Nobody cares about your stupid toilet and you're acting like a jerk.
09:14I'm acting like a jerk because I'm trying to help people?
09:18How are you trying to help people, Dad?
09:20Because people don't know that these toilets are awesome, and I'm just like the well-respected guy who's trying to open people's eyes like JFK.
09:29You are not like JFK.
09:31You're just showing off.
09:33Nuh-uh, I'm like JFK because I'm trying to change things.
09:36You're part of a very respected family, Stan.
09:39Then you should start acting like it.
09:41Okay, who's next?
09:42Randy?
09:43Randy?
09:43Randy?
09:44What?
09:45Your proctologist is here to see you.
09:47Randy?
09:48Randy?
09:49Randy?
09:50What?
09:50Your proctologist is here to see you.
09:52My proctologist?
09:53Oh, hey there, Doc.
09:57Well, Randy Marsh, how are you?
09:58I'm doing great.
09:59How are you?
10:00Wonderful.
10:01Just been super busy.
10:02I'm actually taking the wife to Tuscany day after tomorrow.
10:05Tuscany?
10:06Wow, awesome.
10:07Yeah, well, Randy, you haven't been in the office for a few days, so I thought I'd come to a house call to help you with your hemorrhoids.
10:10Oh, no, Doctor.
10:11I haven't needed to come to your office.
10:12My proctologist is here to see you.
10:13My proctologist?
10:14My proctologist?
10:16I haven't needed to come to your office.
10:17In fact, I don't think I'll be needing your services anymore since I've gotten a Japanese toilet.
10:20Oh, hey there, Doc.
10:21Well, Randy Marsh, how are you?
10:22I'm doing great.
10:23How are you?
10:24Wonderful.
10:25Just been super busy.
10:26I'm actually taking the wife to Tuscany day after tomorrow.
10:29Tuscany?
10:30Wow, awesome.
10:31Yeah, well, Randy, you haven't been in the office for a few days, so I thought I'd come to a house call to help you with your hemorrhoids.
10:37Oh, no, Doctor, I haven't needed to come to your office.
10:41In fact, I don't think I'll be needing your services anymore since I've gotten a Japanese toilet.
10:46Really?
10:47It's completely changed my life.
10:49I'm healthier, I'm less stressed, and I don't get hemorrhoids because I'm not smearing shit all over my ass with toilet paper.
10:56Oh, here, here, you want to come see it?
10:59Go on, check it out.
11:01Dr. Shelter?
11:02Dr. Shelter?
11:03Dr. Shelter?
11:04Yeah!
11:05Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey!
11:06You're gonna ruin Tuscany!
11:07Stop it!
11:08I hate you!
11:09I hate you!
11:10I hate you!
11:11Go on, get out of here!
11:12How am I supposed to tell my wife we can't afford to go to Tuscany now?
11:24I never realized you made so much money off my ass.
11:25Go on, get!
11:26Get!
11:27Hey, Stan!
11:28Hey, Stan!
11:29Stan, hold up!
11:30What?
11:31Well, um...
11:32Hey, Stan!
11:33Hey, Stan, hold up!
11:34What?
11:35Well, um...
11:36Hey, Stan!
11:37Hey, Stan, hold up!
11:38You're just a really good friend, Stan, and I was gonna ask if maybe I could borrow your
11:47plunger cost.
11:48What's a plunger cost?
11:49It doesn't cost nothing when your toilet snatches yours, Richie Rich!
11:52I get it!
11:53Stan, you've got to stop bragging about your toilet.
12:09I'm not bragging about my toilet!
12:21about my toilet and why is it such a big deal anyway? It's a big deal, Stan. You just don't
12:27understand why. Have you ever asked yourself why we use toilet paper? We're told to wash
12:35our hands, wear masks in crowds, but for some reason when it comes to wiping our ass, we're
12:40told to do it with its little piece of paper. We are all, all of us, walking around right
12:45now with a little bit of shit smeared on our buttholes. Did you know that 70% of people
12:50in the world don't even use it at all? 70% of the world doesn't use toilet paper? Look
12:56it up. Most people in the world still use good old soap and water. The average American uses
13:01140 rolls of toilet paper per year. Can you even begin to imagine how many trees that is?
13:07To supply the United States with toilet paper, it takes 31.1 million trees per year. A million
13:14acres per year of precious Canadian boreal forests alone, releasing upwards of 25 metric tons
13:19of CO2 and leveling 90% of the land baron. So then why do Americans use it so much? Well,
13:25that's the big question, isn't it? None of it makes any sense. Well, then maybe somebody
13:29ought to- Just tell your dad to stop. Americans don't want to change their toilets, and they
13:34never will.
13:36Ladies and gentlemen, we have a public service announcement. One of our citizens is asked to
13:40speak with you. Please welcome Mr. Randy S. Marsh.
13:49Thank you, Mayor. Thank you, everyone. You know, the Marshes are a family that try and always
13:54lead by example, and we know that all of you appreciate that. Everyone deserves to be clean,
14:02and the truth is, you can be. You might not be the Marshes, but you can afford a Japanese
14:09toilet, just not a really nice one like what we have. If you take into account the money we all
14:14spend on toilet paper, doctors, and hemorrhoid cream, a Japanese toilet pays for itself in just
14:20a few years. There are actually Japanese toilets made for commoners. Walmart and Amazon all carry the
14:27lower cost of shitty Japanese toilets that anyone can afford. There's even these little
14:32attachment thingies for your existing toilet, which will make you feel like a Marsh yourself.
14:37They may not be Nihon no Stairu, but they are good enough for you guys. The point is, even
14:44commoners don't need toilet paper anymore. And so I'm suggesting that this town puts all of the-
14:51I'm sorry, but he's in critical condition. Who shot him? Nobody knows. Is he going to be okay?
15:13He's in a coma. He's unconscious, and just blabbering nonsense.
15:19B-bikuri. Bikuri shita. Taihen desho?
15:25Mr. Marsh, your whole family is here. Your wife, your daughter, and your son.
15:31T-toilet wa?
15:33No, your toilet is back at the farm.
15:36Taihen jana.
15:37Dad, I'm sorry I yelled at you before. I didn't know you were really trying to help.
15:46Konnichiwa!
15:50Stan, where are you going?
15:51I let Dad down once. Somebody has to pick up where he left off.
16:01I promise we're doing all we can. I'm sorry for what happened, but you need to leave it to the professionals.
16:07There's something more going on here. I think my dad was on to something, and I didn't listen to him, and now he's in a hospital.
16:14We've already got a few leads, and we're following up on all of them. I assure you we take this all very seriously. This isn't a joke to us.
16:21Chief! Hey, Chief!
16:23Yeah, an angry proctologist walked into the toilet section of Home Depot.
16:28Yeah?
16:29Proctologist says to the toilet manager, I ain't taking the fall, and pulls out a gun on six Japanese delivery men.
16:34Okay. So then the six Japanese delivery men show up, and the proctologist has everyone held hostage, and he says he's not taking the fall for the Randy Marsh shooting.
16:43Oh, shit. This is actually happening. Come on, people. Let's go.
16:46I ain't going down for this. You got that, Kapos? I didn't shoot anybody. But if I'm going down, I'll take these careless bastards out with me.
16:59Would you like some sparkling water or champagne?
17:01Get out of here!
17:03Come on out. There's no other way we have you surrounded.
17:07I didn't shoot Randy Marsh!
17:10Tie hand!
17:11Nobody's saying you did.
17:13No, but they're going to use me as their scapegoat. They'll fix things like they always do.
17:18Who will?
17:19They'll use their lawyers and their power to make it all go away.
17:22Just like they did back when that second-grade kid wrote a story in the school paper about toilets two years ago.
17:28They'll take me out, too.
17:30There's no stopping them.
17:31Don't do it.
17:34Stop it.
17:35All right, move in. Secure the area.
17:42Second-grade kid two years ago wrote about toilets in the school newspaper.
17:45You weren't warning me about people getting upset.
17:53You know more about this.
17:58Hey!
18:00You wrote a story in the school paper and someone came after you.
18:03Yeah, I wrote a story. Big deal.
18:05Jimmy, I want to know who shot my dad.
18:07They took everything from me, Stan.
18:09My bike.
18:11My cat.
18:12They were going to sue my parents for what I wrote in the school paper.
18:15You're talking about the toilet paper companies.
18:19Who has the most to lose?
18:20It's all toilet paper, Stan.
18:22Follow the money.
18:23140 rolls per American per year.
18:26Factories pushing out roll after roll while raising Earth's resources.
18:29All of this for an unsanitary product that's been proven to contribute to anal fissures.
18:34Don't you get it, man?
18:35Paper doesn't clean bacteria.
18:37It can't stop viruses.
18:39With all that information, you'd think the World Health Organization would do studies to find alternatives.
18:44So why don't they?
18:45Because toilet paper is an industry worth billions and billions of dollars.
18:51Kimberly Clark, Georgia Pacific, Procter & Gamble.
18:55They don't want Japanese toilets in America.
18:58And they have the power to stop them.
19:00And to stop you.
19:01I can't believe they shot my dad because he wanted to change things.
19:08These people have deeper pockets than you can possibly imagine.
19:11They can destroy everything you love, Stan.
19:14Take my advice.
19:17Don't squeeze the shaman.
19:18You might be too scared, Jimmy.
19:23But I'm a Marsh.
19:24My fellow Americans, we have been coerced and brainwashed.
19:33While the rest of the world walks around with cleaner buttholes, we are obsessed with dry
19:36paper sold to us by billion-dollar corporations.
19:40Yeah.
19:41Hey.
19:41Yeah, he's right.
19:42My father wanted everyone to see that there were alternatives.
19:45But they don't want him talking about alternatives.
19:47Yeah!
19:48And we can't be blindly buying their products anymore.
19:52And as a town, we will find alternatives.
19:54And we will not be afraid to...
19:55Stop!
19:56Stop!
19:57We're not doing this.
19:58Dad!
19:59Everyone just stop.
20:00We're not doing this.
20:01South Park, we're cutting this short.
20:03And I was totally wrong and I want to apologize.
20:05No, Dad, it's the toilet paper companies that are behind all...
20:07Yeah, I know.
20:08Yeah, so we have nothing against toilet paper.
20:11It's a great product.
20:11And it was childish of me to make fun of it.
20:14Thanks, though.
20:14We'll see you later.
20:15Dad, we can't just back down.
20:16Bro, I got fucking shot!
20:21Japanese toilets are totally unnecessary.
20:23And in case anyone else is listening,
20:25I think all of South Park would like to apologize.
20:27We retract what we said about toilet paper companies.
20:30They have done nothing but help us and we're sorry.
20:34South Park, everyone say you're sorry.
20:37We're sorry.
20:39Okay, great.
20:40Come on, guys.
20:40Let's go home.
20:41What about helping people and leading by example?
20:44We're not the goddamn Kennedy stand.
20:45Stop being an idiot.
20:46Nice to have you back, old blue.
21:14You know, guys, I'm actually not that sad.
21:19Having a Japanese toilet was great, but I've come to realize that when you have some big,
21:24nice, luxury thing, it eventually just becomes normal.
21:28But you start comparing it to all the other things in your life which suddenly feel you have
21:32to upgrade, too.
21:32So, it's really best to just stick with the beat-up, crappy old things we have.
21:39Love you forever, honey.
21:40Love you forever, honey.
21:40Love you forever, honey.
21:41Love you forever, honey.
21:41Love you forever, honey.
21:42Love you forever, honey.
21:42Love you forever, honey.
21:43Love you forever, honey.
21:43Love you forever, honey.
21:44Love you forever, honey.
21:44Love you forever, honey.
21:45Love you forever, honey.
21:45Love you forever, honey.
21:46Love you forever, honey.
21:47Love you forever, honey.
21:47Love you forever, honey.
21:48Love you forever, honey.
21:49Love you forever, honey.
21:50Love you forever, honey.
21:51Love you forever, honey.
21:52Love you forever, honey.
21:53Love you forever, honey.
21:54Love you forever, honey.
21:55Love you forever, honey.
21:56Love you forever, honey.
21:57Love you forever, honey.
21:58Love you forever, honey.
21:59Love you forever, honey.
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