- 2 days ago
Too Much Season 1 Episode 4
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Short filmTranscript
00:00There's something I've been meaning to tell you, but I'm scared because this has been
00:13going so well and I don't want you to end it.
00:16Wait, what?
00:17What is it?
00:18Stop.
00:19You're scaring me.
00:20Dear Wendy Jones, as grown women, we think we've developed good instincts, though we can
00:25spot the red flags waving in the distance and take a different route.
00:28Sometimes we can't see them.
00:31Not until it's too late.
00:32What?
00:33What?
00:34Alright.
00:35My bar mitzvah theme was Weezer.
00:38What are you talking about?
00:41That's not a bar mitzvah theme.
00:43It sure as fuck was.
00:45That's not.
00:46Yeah, everybody wore these Rivers Cuomo glasses and my brother and I, we got on stage and we
00:52had these inflatable guitars and we were syncing to Undone the Sweater song.
00:57Oh my God.
00:58Oh no, see, now you're going to dump me.
01:02I knew it.
01:03I knew I shouldn't have said anything.
01:04Oh, you're so cute.
01:05I want to crush you.
01:07You know what?
01:10Hmm.
01:11If you want to destroy my sweater, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold this thread as I walk away.
01:20As I walk away, as I walk away, let me unravel.
01:24There's a lot of things.
01:26I want to enjoy my sweater.
01:29Okay.
01:30I like about her.
01:31There's a lot of people in my camps.
01:32Yeah, I love to be there in my house.
01:34Oh, my gosh.
01:35Guess I'll be there in my house.
01:37I'll be the one out.
01:38I love to be there.
01:39I love to be there.
01:39I love to be there.
01:41I love to be there.
01:42I love to be there.
01:42Yeah, I love to be there.
01:43Guys, we wanna come
01:45Hanging your jeans with a clothespin
01:48Skin's still wet, still my skin
01:51Mangling your mouth, juice dripping
01:53Shoulder of your shirt, sleeve slipping
01:56I don't wanna talk about anyone
01:59I don't wanna talk about anyone
02:02I don't wanna sit in your car while you're driving
02:05Laying your lap when I'm crying
02:13X marks a spot with the dot, dot, dot
02:18A dash and a slash and a question mark
02:21A man comes around then stabs you in the back
02:25He stabs you in the back
02:26And the blood drips down
02:28Crisscross applesauce
02:30I'm making it up
02:31Spider on your shoulder
02:33Do you have spider now?
02:37And tight squeakiness
02:39And now you have the shiveries
02:41I don't buy it
02:43I think you just made that whole thing up
02:45No, it's a game
02:46We used to play in summer camp
02:48An all-girls camp
02:49It was actually really cozy
02:50It would have really fit in
02:51Cool
02:52How many tattoos do you have, by the way?
02:56I don't know, like eight or nine, I think
02:58I can't remember
02:59Do any of them mean anything?
03:03Um
03:03Not really
03:07No
03:08Really?
03:10Not even that one?
03:12Which one?
03:12This one
03:13This one
03:13On your ass
03:14Oh
03:14It says poly
03:16Is that like a lifestyle signifier?
03:18No, poly's just a friend
03:20We got it in Portugal
03:21It was a joke
03:22When we were there together
03:23But then the ladies felt it wrong
03:25So, yeah
03:26It's got one
03:27I forget that one's there
03:29To be honest
03:29I didn't really think about it that much
03:31Cool
03:32I love it
03:33It's great
03:34Friends get tattoos all the time
03:36So she's a girl
03:37Then
03:37Um
03:38I just am really relieved
03:39Because I thought it stood for polyamorous
03:41Polyamorous
03:43Is that the one where you date lots of women
03:45Or just one
03:46I can never remember
03:47Which way around it is
03:48Or is it like when you're married
03:49To lots of women
03:50No
03:52Is that monogamous?
03:55What's monogamous?
03:57Is that like
03:58That's the same thing
03:59Isn't it?
04:00Isn't it?
04:01No red flags yet, Wendy
04:03None at all
04:04Over here
04:06Leave, Bob
04:10Nick
04:11Come on, give me a hand
04:12Fucking hell, you two are so fucking lazy
04:16Fucking fucking lazy
04:17Wow
04:17It's so grey there
04:20I thought it was going to be like
04:22You know
04:22All creative vibe
04:24And it would make me jealous
04:25But yeah
04:25I'm not jealous
04:26No, it's gorgeous
04:27It's lovely
04:28This just doesn't convey it
04:29You know
04:30Um
04:31I met someone
04:32Wow
04:34You know
04:34This is the only area
04:36Where you waste no time
04:37Uh, what does he do?
04:38Why is the first question always
04:40What does he do?
04:40How about
04:41How does he make you feel?
04:42What does he value?
04:43Does he fuck you from behind
04:44In like a respectful way?
04:45Does he finger blast you?
04:47Does he know how to finger bang?
04:48Okay, Jessica
04:49I'm your mother
04:50Not your friend
04:51Keep that in mind
04:52So he's unemployed?
04:54He's not unemployed
04:55He's an indie musician
04:56Uh-huh
04:57And where does he live?
04:58Well
04:59He lives in an early indie neighborhood
05:00You wouldn't know it
05:01You don't know the London area, mom
05:02Divorced?
05:03Remarried?
05:04Still married?
05:05Uh, no
05:05Not to my knowledge
05:06And yeah
05:07Before you ask
05:08He sleeps in every day
05:09Because he used to do a lot of cocaine
05:11And he fucked up his circadian rhythms
05:13Okay?
05:14Why did I say all that?
05:16The mommy effect
05:17Oh, that's the mommy effect
05:19So, listen
05:20I don't think we should be even talking to this guy anymore
05:23Unless you're gonna get married or something like that
05:25Because there's nothing about this conversation
05:28That makes me think that you have unbroken your broken picker
05:31I haven't broken my picker
05:33No, I'm serious
05:35I mean, not the textures
05:36I mean, the gradient alone
05:37I mean, and the juxtaposition
05:40Office-wide alert
05:41Office-wide alert
05:42Kim's mood board is so good
05:45It is making me want to commit auto-erotic asphyxiation
05:48I know what you're trying to do
05:50Last night's texting was abhorrent
05:52Okay
05:52I'm sorry about that
05:54Okay?
05:54I had taken a lot of ketamine
05:56In a way that I hadn't tried it before
05:58And it all got a bit much
06:00But I'm serious
06:00This is like
06:01This is like a cultural reset
06:02For people who don't even believe in cultural resets
06:05I agree with that
06:06Yeah, okay
06:07It's Helena Bonham Carter in a headband
06:10Cute
06:11It's sweet
06:12It's the Turin horse
06:13Yes, and it's that old movie
06:15That was a pop-up
06:16Which seemed to be fitting in really well
06:18I did get a couple names for you
06:20For a hair and makeup team
06:21If you want me to send them over
06:22Oh, I actually wanted to invite you around
06:23For dinner this evening
06:24Wow
06:25That's a little intimate
06:26But sure, I mean, I'm open
06:27I'm coming
06:28I'm coming
06:30Even I'm coming
06:31My wife and I are having a little get-together for the team
06:34Yeah, it's good to form a bit of a bond
06:36Emphasis on a bit
06:37Oh, and let Josie know the name of your date
06:40So that my wife can watercolour Placement card
06:42Or whatever she has planned
06:44And if you're gluten or veganarian
06:48Or whatever
06:48Oh, and don't forget those ten red flags
06:54Okay
06:55I'm Julia Roberts, bitch
07:07Wait, are you doing the picture right now?
07:10Yeah, yeah
07:10Don't do landscape
07:11Oh, sorry
07:12Yeah
07:12But you can still see blue
07:13Do you want to give me that bag?
07:16Is that making you
07:17Yeah
07:17Can I see what's going on?
07:18Yeah, have a look
07:18Oh
07:19Have you ever taken a picture of a woman before?
07:23Oh my god, I love it
07:24This is the London I came here for
07:26The London I deserve
07:27It's like out of a movie
07:28Yeah, a horror movie
07:30Trust me, I grew up with the broken children of these houses
07:33And it's way more shining than it is Richard Curtis
07:35I know they're sort of painted all fancy colours
07:38But these people are full of pent-up rage and dark secrets
07:41I know, but look, it's a yellow house
07:44Yeah, it's yellow
07:46It's pretty
07:46Okay, so, you know, this is my boss
07:50My new boss
07:51And these are people that I work with
07:52So I just wanted to let you know, like, let's just play it cool
07:55Like, two normal people, cool as a cucumber
07:58Just me and you
07:59And, you know, I'm not trying to control you
08:01Of course, I wouldn't want you to control me
08:03Like, I want us to feel free in this sort of whatever we're doing
08:05You know, I want you to feel, like, free as a bird
08:07But maybe we lose the hat
08:09Just be normal
08:09You know, just don't even think about the hat
08:11It was never even on
08:11It looks so nice
08:13There was one girl called
08:14I think she was called, like, Victoria Peterson or something
08:17She was on one of these streets
08:18And basically she was throwing up
08:20But because she'd drunk so much Guinness
08:22Like, it was a blast
08:23So it looked like she was, like, seen from The Exorcist or something
08:27Anyway, that's the kind of shit we're dealing with
08:30Oh my god, they have a blue door, too?
08:34Come on, dude, that's, like, the quietest lot
08:36I've ever heard
08:36Well, that was aggressive
08:37I feel like
08:37I think I'm a delivery person
08:39That was wrong
08:39Okay
08:40Well, hello
08:43Hi
08:44Look at you both
08:45What a friend
08:46I'm Jessica
08:47I'm Jessica
08:48I'm John Owen
08:48This is my friend
08:50Oh, hi
08:50Friend
08:51Felix
08:51My Felix guy
08:52What a breath of fresh air
08:54And look at this coat
08:55I can tell you're going to be an absolute ball
08:57Is it a coat or a dress?
08:58It's a coat
08:59It's a coat
09:00Here we go
09:00Oh, normally we're stuck here with toffs talking about ski slopes
09:04Come on in
09:04What a relief you are
09:06Spoiler alert, it's a candle
09:08It's a nice smelling candle
09:09You probably have a million
09:10You can put it in your camera closet
09:12I don't have too many sniff sniffs, can you?
09:14Come on in
09:15Did she just say?
09:17Sniff sniffs, yeah
09:18Okay
09:19Not judging
09:20Not judging
09:21When I realised that fonts were my way in
09:24Travel suddenly looked not only like personal enlightenment
09:26But also
09:27Fascinating, yeah
09:28Yeah
09:28I'm hanging on every word of this story
09:30But I have to pause and ask
09:31Have you been to Lamu Island?
09:34Mmm
09:34Kenya
09:35Yeah, yeah, archipelago
09:37No
09:37You know, like, everything in this room that you see is, like, worth, like, hundreds of thousands of pounds
09:44There you are
09:45Oh, we don't drink, actually
09:47Oh, more for me, I'll take it
09:49Okay
09:50Gorgeous, thank you, glug, glug, glug, more for me
09:52He doesn't eat anything, he doesn't even like water
09:53So he's good, he's not thirsty
09:55All right
09:56Oh, you must meet my cousin up from the country
09:59Imogen Tinsley-Darbyshire
10:01And her wife, Bryony, over there
10:03They were
10:04Bon appetit to edible condoms
10:06Yeah, I don't know if it was like I kept getting different UTIs
10:12Like, I don't know if I'm getting, like, 50 UTIs a year
10:14Or it's, like, one long UTI
10:16You know, it's like, some days I'll wake up, I'm on top of the world
10:20Other days, I'm waking up and my pisshole's, like, burning fire
10:24I see, I see
10:26Have you tried D-Mannos?
10:28It's a monosaccharide
10:30How do you feel about, um, buttock implants?
10:35I'm serious
10:36I haven't thought much about them
10:37I don't know if I should be having this conversation with my boss
10:40Why?
10:42So he literally calls me on Sunday night
10:43He's like, I'm at Bergheim, I've been here for 48 hours, you should come
10:46It's like, what is going on?
10:48The Kardashians have them
10:49And Madonna's followed suit
10:50I mean
10:51Mmm
10:52Is there butter?
10:54Is that a pill that you're talking about, though?
10:56I have, um, glottal tear
10:58So I really don't want to swallow things that I'm not supposed to swallow
11:00I mean, you just
11:01I know the feeling
11:02I'll suck the guy off
11:06I'm not, I'm not swallin' it
11:08I'll spit it out
11:09Oh, God
11:09Excuse me
11:12Oh
11:12Sweating like a sow
11:15Menopause really should come with clearer warnings
11:17I love how you guys say, like, the menopause
11:20Like, it's like a celebrity
11:21You know?
11:22Like, is that the menopause?
11:25It is
11:25Come get a picture
11:26With me
11:26What do you say in America?
11:30Um
11:30It's menopause
11:32Hello
11:33I'm not quite there yet
11:37But I do have PCOS
11:39And that gives you, like, cysts
11:40And, like, fuzzy sideburns
11:42I have to shave off with a literal man's razor
11:44Look, if you need anything while you're here in London, health-wise
11:47I'm just a phone call away
11:49All right?
11:50It's so nice of you to say I love you
11:53Wow
11:54Piss and cum galore, I've heard
11:56I've heard
11:57I can't wait to go
11:59Can't wait to go
11:59I've been wanting to go for such a long time
12:01No, you'll never forget it
12:02Anyway, he's like, come, you should come
12:03And it's like, relax, babe
12:05Right?
12:06Like, I like him
12:07But not, like, take a flight to Germany
12:09To fish him out of a sex dungeon
12:11Levels of, like, him
12:12Like, some things are just deal breakers
12:14Yeah
12:14I don't have a lot of resources or friends here, you know
12:16Well, at least you have your lovely partner
12:19How long have you two been together?
12:22Um, you know, my instinct is to lie to you
12:25But I want to be honest, ten days
12:26I've been with my partner for ten days
12:28Well, no wonder you've got those issues down there
12:31You're basically hanging from the rafters still
12:34Yeah, he's fucking me raw
12:35No condom
12:37I've always found, like, engaging with people's inner lives
12:41Is kind of a waste of energy, you know
12:45I can go deeper by staying on the surface
12:48Literally, cheers to that
12:49Oh, I don't cheers, but that's lovely
12:50And you're amazing
12:51Thank you
12:52Is that why you don't make eye contact with me?
12:55Like, just stay on the surface or whatever?
12:57Because you haven't looked at me, like, a single time
12:59For the whole, like, evening
13:00I just find, like, I'm so honest
13:03And this is, like, really brutal
13:04Like, I only make eye contact with people
13:06That I know that I'm not gonna fuck
13:08Because otherwise it's, like, too much
13:09Dinner, especially, it's, like
13:11So, you know you're not gonna fuck him
13:13Because you've looked at him quite a few times
13:15But you're worried about, like, that we might fuck
13:17That, to put, if you're gonna be, like, really specific about, like
13:21In terms of who I would and wouldn't fuck at the table
13:23Like, that is, yeah, that is absolutely what I'm saying
13:26For sure, which is no reflection
13:28Like, you're, you are great
13:30But there is more of a
13:31You can feel that there's a vibe
13:32There's a vibe
13:33But then you're going
13:34You're with my colleague
13:35You're with my colleague, you know
13:37Like, what do we do?
13:38Like, Romeo and Juliet over here
13:39I don't know, like, I'm so scared of her dying
13:42You know, I'm so scared of the tumor coming back
13:44I mean, it's gone, but they come back
13:46You know, and I just lay in bed at night
13:48Thinking about Astra dying
13:50And I'm writing her obituary in my mind
13:52She'd be published in, like, The Times
13:53Or, like, People Mag
13:54I don't know what I would do without that little lady
13:57I mean, she has better thoughts than all of us
13:59She's better than all of us
14:00Oh, you, my darling
14:02You are just crying my heart open
14:04With that big, brave ability to just love
14:08Oh, you are so beautiful
14:10Look at you
14:12Why don't you come with me
14:15Just for a little minute
14:17I want to show you something special
14:18I will zip my lip
14:20And I'll throw away the key
14:21No one needs to know
14:22Ooh, does that feel better?
14:42Yeah, just what the doctor ordered
14:44This is a nice party
14:45Oh, God
14:47Feels good, huh?
14:48That's so much better
14:49I needed a mood lifter, too
14:51Me too, I was wondering when we'd do that
14:53Do you know, I had the most incredible dog
14:57Lettuce, was her name?
14:59Lettuce the lurcher
15:00She had the most profound sick sense
15:05Of knowing exactly when I was in pain
15:07Emotionally
15:09Physically
15:10Oh, may I?
15:13Oh, sure
15:14Yeah
15:14It's the same colour, isn't that amazing?
15:17You've got such gorgeous lips
15:19Look at you
15:20It was
15:21It was like she would stay so closely at my heel
15:25Obsessively
15:26Almost to the point where it was irritating
15:28Like
15:28Like an ex-love I can't get rid of
15:31And it just
15:34It came to be that she
15:35She just knew
15:37When I was hurting
15:38Even before I did
15:39When I
15:40Had to have back surgery
15:41She was there
15:42And when my mother passed away
15:44She was there
15:45And that was hours
15:46Before I even got the news
15:48And when Giorno had his emotional affair with Kylie Minogue
15:51She was there
15:53Oh my god
15:55What happened?
15:57She became like a sister
15:59No, I mean like your dog
16:01Oh god, Lettuce, yes
16:04Well
16:05Yes, it was just heartbreaking
16:09Gardner left the gate open one night
16:11She got curious
16:12And met a potato truck
16:13Going down a dark country lane
16:14It was
16:15Devastating
16:16But here's the thing I've come to realise
16:19Animals are the most incredible thing
16:22Precisely because of how briefly they're here
16:24Yeah
16:25Thank you
16:26That is so
16:27Just
16:27You were too sweet
16:30You're my Oprah
16:31Oh
16:32Can I be?
16:34I love you
16:35Oh
16:35Sorry
16:36No, that's okay
16:37I love, love, love you
16:38You have empathy
16:40Like I've never known it
16:41It's unbelievable
16:43I see it in your face
16:44Right back at you, sister
16:46I see it in yours
16:47What the fuck?
17:00I don't know
17:00I just, um, with Astrid
17:02I just, I trust her so much
17:04Astrid
17:04The dog
17:04She's never done anything wrong
17:07You know, she's a perfect angel
17:08And it's so easy to trust her
17:10So hard to trust people
17:12You know, like Felix
17:13I mean, he means well
17:14And he's been so incredible to me
17:16But I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop
17:18I'm just waiting to hear that he has a wife
17:20And triplets and Aberdeen or something
17:22You know, or what if he watches porn too much?
17:24Yes
17:25You know
17:25I mean, I'm not completely convinced
17:27That Jono's not an axe murderer
17:28He's pretty opaque, as I'm sure you've noticed
17:31I could definitely see him hurting someone
17:34Well, you know, he's not violent
17:35He's just moody
17:37But isn't this the best time?
17:41This time you're in
17:42When it's all so new and delicious
17:44And tender and terrifying
17:46Enjoy it
17:48Because pretty soon
17:50You'll feel safe and sure
17:52And you'll have four children
17:53And then you'll be wishing
17:54He'd go to sleep in the garden shed
17:56And you'll miss those days
17:58When you didn't know everything
17:59Just enough to take it off
18:06You all right?
18:09Hey, what the hell's up, brother?
18:13How's the bathroom?
18:14Oh my God
18:14It is so gorgeous in that bathroom
18:16She has a beautiful soap dish
18:17I mean, I didn't even know
18:19That you needed a dish for soap
18:20Gorgeous, elegant bowl
18:22Just like Julianne Moore
18:23The Julianne Moore of soap dishes
18:25Are you having fun with Boss?
18:27He has pink hair
18:28Yeah, I know
18:29He's funny
18:29He has quite confusing values
18:31Like all these people
18:32That guy, the banker guy
18:34Was telling me to invest in oil
18:36Because like war is going to drive
18:37The stocks up or some shit
18:38Nice tip
18:39Yeah?
18:41Big money bags
18:41You okay?
18:45You've been like
18:46Doing them
18:47No, oh my God
18:48No, you are being so weird
18:50About the fact that I'm drinking
18:51And you're being weird about it
18:53And I told you
18:54I know that
18:56I told you that I couldn't drink
18:57Because some stuff went down in New York
18:58Where some stuff where
19:00Okay, I shouldn't be drinking
19:01But guess what?
19:02I think it's the kind of stuff where
19:03I can have a drink once in a while
19:05You know, I can't drink all the time
19:07Of course not
19:08But you know
19:08I'm not someone
19:09That can't pick up a glass or two
19:11On a holiday or a party
19:13I trust you
19:13What?
19:15Now you're being weird
19:15About not being weird
19:16No, I mean
19:17Like I trust you
19:18Like you're a grown up
19:18You know what you're doing
19:19You are as nasty to me
19:22What's nasty about that?
19:24Don't start a fight right now
19:26My wife trusts me
19:29Big mistake
19:30That's terrifying to say
19:33That's awful, Peter
19:35I'm so sorry
19:35It's been tough
19:36But you know
19:37I finally stopped crying myself
19:38To sleep at night
19:39Oh, I'm sorry about that
19:40You're a good instructor
19:41I know, it's such a cliche
19:43Isn't it?
19:43I should see it coming
19:44You need to find
19:44Your intellectual match
19:46Peter's just got separated
19:47And he's taken up skiing
19:48Oh my god
19:49You're a lilf
19:50A late in life skier
19:52Oh, that's funny
19:54Yes
19:54I suppose I am
19:55Yeah, lilf
19:57Like a lilf
19:58Yeah, kind of like a lilf
20:00But not
20:00That's so funny
20:02By the way
20:02I love your soap dish
20:04Isn't it the most beautiful thing
20:06You've ever seen?
20:07I got it in the souk
20:08In Marrakesh
20:09Moroccan market
20:11Right?
20:12This ancient woman
20:13She had a face
20:15Just pain all over it
20:18And I was passing by
20:19Saw her stall
20:20It's the only thing she had
20:21And she just grabbed my hand
20:23And thrust it into it
20:24And said
20:25I've been waiting for you
20:27And then she died
20:28Anyway
20:29It's a beautiful dish
20:31And I'm glad you noticed it
20:33Hmm
20:37Who look quite familiar
20:41Where would I know you from?
20:44Hmm?
20:45Er
20:46I don't know
20:47I don't think you know me
20:48Oh, I really think I do
20:50Don't think so
20:52Not unless I sold you laughing gas
20:54In like 2013
20:56Outside Marble Arch
20:57Oh, only that
20:58I know you from somewhere
21:01Don't think it's me
21:02That you're thinking of
21:03Are you sure?
21:05Hmm
21:07I mean, you can never be too sure
21:09Inny, minny, minny, mo
21:12Catch a liar by his big toe
21:16Is this an Anne Frank joke?
21:22What?
21:23Is that even a type of joke?
21:25I mean, people always tear down a woman
21:26That achieves success on her own terms
21:28I think she's just called Anne
21:30And we're in her attic
21:31I think you're ever thinking it
21:32Okay, I'm freaking out
21:35And I need to be told to breathe
21:36Okay, breathe, breathe
21:37Miss, you are not my keeper
21:38Yeah, she's gagged
21:39She's gagged
21:40She's absolutely gagged
21:41And not in the fun way
21:41At dinner, Jono made this
21:43Incredibly weird comment
21:44About my dynamic with Josie
21:46In front of Josie
21:47Josie who doesn't even know
21:48That I want to be a lesbian with her
21:50I mean, what if she's straight?
21:51Okay, well, she's wearing two t-shirts
21:52So I think she's a lesbo, guys
21:54I mean, do you like her?
21:57Like, like, like, like, like
21:59Like it's such a juvenile word
22:01I don't like her
22:03I feel deeply drawn to who she is
22:07Who she could become
22:08She's my destiny
22:09Oh my god
22:09Guys, guys, guys, guys
22:11Have you seen?
22:12Wow
22:12Jono and his downtime
22:13Looking like the most well-preserved member
22:15Of a Heritage Stadium block act
22:17I die
22:18It's like, yeah
22:19Sing me, like, a soft rock song
22:22About, like, how you're a man
22:23But you also kind of have mental health issues
22:24But you don't really
22:25But also what he did to Kim
22:28Was really, really rough
22:29And not appropriate at all
22:31I just think
22:32Honestly, he feels close to you
22:34That's what it is
22:35He feels emotionally close to you
22:37Like, obviously, with me
22:38It's more sexual
22:38It's more like
22:39There's a hole
22:39Let me at it
22:40But, um
22:42But with you
22:42He's more like a dad, I think
22:43Dad
22:44Oh
22:45Come, come
22:46Dad
22:46Yummy, yummy
22:47Yeah?
22:49Yes, this makes me so happy
22:50Look at you
22:51Enjoying my little contribution to potluck
22:53Think about cocaine
22:55Is in moderation
22:55It keeps you young
22:56You know, I really wouldn't
22:57But if Kim's doing it
22:59I probably should
22:59Because otherwise she'll do
23:00She'll go crazy
23:01Blah, blah, blah, blah
23:02And then she'll feel very alone
23:03Very lonely
23:03And also I love cocaine
23:05I mean
23:07I feel like I can't say no to my boss
23:10I don't want to do it
23:12I just feel like I can't say no to the hospitality
23:13You know
23:14Oh my god, yeah, I know
23:16Go for it
23:17You know what's about to happen though, right?
23:20Like, you know where this is headed
23:21What, you think everyone's gonna just start fucking?
23:24Tat, tat, tat
23:25Wrist on glitter
23:26Waist on thinner
23:27I'ma show you how to bag a eight-figure
23:29Face on zaddy
23:31Pockets on jigger
23:32You better get the card and make it swipe like Tinder
23:35Private filler
23:36And the fire shit chiller
23:37When he posts me, all the
23:38Get sicker
23:39Thought killer
23:41I don't need fillers
23:42Never been a lame
23:43So the real chicks feel it
23:44Zaddy on the FaceTime
23:46You can never take mine
23:47End up on a date line
23:48Uh, uh, uh
23:49Rich with no date job
23:50Get your wop-wop
23:52Always on the coarse side
23:53Uh, huh, huh
23:54BB and their boys wanna eat me out
23:56Bitch, I'm from the west coast
23:57They wanna go down south
23:58All these lame lil rappers tryna
24:00Uh, fuck clout
24:01I won't let him hit
24:02But he can put it in his mouth
24:04Lil waist, fat, fat
24:05Baby, tap in
24:06Tap, tap, tap in
24:08Haters can't relate
24:09I've never been fake
24:10I got a big ball of
24:12Puttin' ice in on my crack
24:13I see from my lips
24:14To my fingers
24:15To my toenails
24:16Drippin' in Sinead 9
24:17This ain't goin' on south
24:18All these birds busy, baby
24:19I do not do friends well
24:20Lotta haters
24:21But I promise
24:22That I won't tell
24:23Now what's my favorite word?
24:25I see
24:26I can see the smile
24:27But I know she don't like me
24:28Two hundred for a verse
24:29Yeah, I'm way too pricey
24:31Uh, hello
24:33May I?
24:34Yes
24:35Okay
24:35A question
24:36As a
24:38Seasoned
24:41Lesbian
24:42Uh, might you counsel me
24:44On what to expect
24:45If I were to pursue this path?
24:47It would be
24:48My absolute honor
24:49Okay?
24:50Go
24:51Did you always know
24:52You were queer?
24:53Oh no, no
24:54I've always been
24:55Intensely lustful
24:57But the objects of my obsession
25:00Were varied
25:01And my very first relationship
25:04Was with my boss
25:05At Tatler Magazine
25:07And his wife
25:08Damn
25:08Oh my god
25:12I had one divorce
25:14And I thought
25:15I was hot shit
25:16But
25:16You're on fire
25:18And now I'm a grandmother
25:19Of two
25:20And my partner
25:21Had a whole other life
25:22As a housewife
25:23Before I ruined her
25:25And at weekends
25:26I kind of do my own thing
25:27Live my own life
25:28You know
25:29Speaking of which
25:30Yes
25:31I have a room
25:32At the Ham Yard Hotel
25:34Oh
25:35Oh
25:35Oh
25:38Uh
25:39Honestly
25:41I am
25:41Very flattered
25:43Good
25:44But I'm new to this
25:45Yeah
25:45I know
25:46And
25:46And I think
25:48What you need
25:49Is a like
25:49Eat it up
25:50No crumbs
25:52Kind of experience
25:53And
25:54I would leave
25:56All the crumbs
25:56There'd be so many crumbs
25:58I could be a hoover
25:59I have a visual
26:03Okay
26:04Okay look at me
26:05You ready
26:05You ready
26:06Okay I'm lucky
26:06I'm lucky
26:07Three
26:07Two
26:07One
26:08Go
26:08Okay
26:08Oh my god
26:11Your stuff's way better
26:12Than my stuff
26:13Cleaning your bag
26:14Is like getting
26:14Cool on it
26:14Okay it's like
26:15That fucking came out
26:16Of me
26:16You should take this
26:17I don't know
26:18How much money's on it
26:18But hell
26:19Go crazy
26:20Buy a bagel
26:20And a coffee
26:21A dollar
26:21I've seen these on TV
26:23Do you actually use this
26:24Just a dollar
26:25You never know
26:25When you might need it
26:26I feel like you guys
26:26Don't have any central air
26:28Or heat
26:28Or anything
26:29You know how you cool down
26:30Gauche alarm
26:31Because you're being gauche
26:31AC
26:32In a Georgian listed building
26:33We have a heritage here
26:34We have a
26:35Oh really
26:35What's your tradition
26:36Eating beans all day
26:37You want to get Camilla Parker Bowles
26:38You want to give her
26:39A lower back tattoo
26:40You want to say
26:41No loads refused
26:42That's crazy
26:43How do you have so many condoms
26:44Are we trying to hook up tonight
26:46Is it legal to fuck now
26:47It's illegal
26:47You gotta lock me in prison
26:48Sorry I can't see you
26:50You finished all the champers
26:56Was there still some lying around
26:58No I did not
26:59I actually think the culprit
27:00Is your wife
27:01Who was sort of
27:03Pouring it down her blouse
27:04I realise where I know you from
27:08You went to the same boarding school
27:11As our daughter Viola
27:12Ding ding
27:13Jig is up
27:14Uh oh
27:15You two were a bit of an item back then
27:17In fact
27:18I may be within my fatherly rights
27:21To stack you around a bit
27:22You do have a very fatherly vibe right now
27:24I've got to say
27:25Yeah
27:26Yeah
27:27Dropped out didn't you
27:28Six months before your A levels
27:31I didn't finish school no
27:33Yeah
27:34Broke my daughter's heart
27:36And left just before A levels
27:39Classic behaviour
27:40Yeah classic
27:41You don't know anything about me so
27:43Didn't you take Francesca to um
27:46Talking about Viola
27:47Oh Viola Viola Viola Viola
27:49Didn't you take Viola to Manchester for a show
27:52And then leave her at a fucking travel lodge
27:54Hmm
27:55It was Liverpool and there's more to it than that
27:56But yeah
27:57Yes
27:58Well I don't love your turn
28:00No
28:01I think you need to back up a little bit
28:02Because it's getting a bit weird now
28:03Oh not one bit
28:05You drop out
28:07You can
28:08Stop touching me
28:09And you don't
28:10The fucking mouth is off
28:11Fuck on me
28:12Are you trying to fucking fight me
28:14Are you trying to fucking fight me
28:16You got it
28:17Down to a teammate
28:18Yeah I cheated on your daughter
28:19Then started trying to stick my 16 year old pecker into anything that moved her
28:24I don't like your attitude
28:25Dude what the fuck is going on with your grip
28:27It's insane
28:28I'll tell you what really happened
28:29My dad ran out of fucking money
28:30That's why I left that
28:31Boo hoo
28:32They put all my shit in cardboard boxes
28:34They told me to
28:35You got my own fucking cash
28:36Your daughter said she'd wait for me like I was some soldier going to war
28:39And then within a week she was dating Hugo fucking Wetherspoon
28:41I wouldn't even answer my fucking calls
28:43You very fucking good manners
28:44Are you trying to fuck me now or what
28:46Yeah yeah yeah
28:47Maybe that's why she left you
28:48Because you've got bad manners
28:50Your daughter was a fucking brat by the way
28:52I should have just stuck with Lisa Larchmont
28:53She was actually a nice person
28:55And I went down on her in Julia Jessen's garden
28:57And she fucking cared about me
28:58You gapped up tossing gapped
29:01Oh sorry
29:02Felix
29:03You okay
29:04Oh hi Anne
29:05Darling
29:06Have you seen that grueling sex gel
29:08I want to give it to Jessica
29:09Did you leave it in the garden last time?
29:11Uh
29:12Bottom right drawer
29:13What
29:14What
29:15Anne thank you so much
29:16This meant so much to me
29:18I'm so sorry about everything
29:19Oh it was lovely darling
29:21It was lovely
29:22Don't worry about Jono
29:23He's
29:24Always in the prone position at the end of a party
29:27Jono thank you for the hospitality
29:30Anne again one minute with you is a million in heaven
29:33And one minute away from you is hell for eternity
29:36Thank you
29:37Hope I get to see you soon
29:39I feel safe with you
29:40Yes we must
29:41We must
29:42I'm sure you can find it at Boots by the way
29:44But will you see yourselves out?
29:45Thanks
29:46Alright
29:47Say hi to Viola
29:48That was a lovely night wasn't it?
29:52Did you have fun darling?
29:54Did it get a little crazy?
29:56Mmm
29:57Mmm
29:58Mmm
29:59Mmm
30:00Mmm
30:01Mmm
30:02Alright are you going to clean up?
30:03No
30:04No
30:05I can't do it
30:06No she got in the bath
30:07Did she?
30:08It's weird
30:09Oh
30:12Got your coat
30:13And your bag
30:15First thing
30:17Also you know that soap dish you like?
30:19Thank you
30:20Got you that as well
30:23Oh my god Felix
30:25You're kidding
30:26That is my boss
30:27Yeah man
30:28That's my boss
30:29You said you liked it
30:30Steal things from my boss
30:31I can't smuggle around
30:32Stolen goods
30:33Also what did you say in there?
30:34Gay ass
30:35Tortoise
30:36Do you mean gacked up tosser?
30:38Is that what you said?
30:39Yeah
30:40Gack is like cocaine
30:41Tosser's just like you're a dickhead
30:42All I want to say
30:43Is for you to be chill
30:44For us to be too chill guys
30:45This is worse than if we would have both walked in with hats
30:48I mean all I wanted was us to be
30:50Civilized people
30:51Who had like positive attitudes
30:53I just wanted us to look like we have positive attitudes
30:54Why they don't have positive attitudes?
30:55They have fucking hideous attitudes
30:56Like almost as hideous as their
30:58Fucking faux liberal politics
31:00When all they care about is money
31:01And how they judge everyone
31:02Who doesn't live exactly the same way that they do
31:04And their sad fucking children
31:06Who have been hugged like precisely two times
31:08In their entire lives
31:09Yeah I called your boss a tosser
31:10Sorry
31:11It was kind of fucked
31:12Yeah
31:13Also by the way
31:14You were hitting on Imogen
31:15Don't think I didn't see that
31:16Fuck no I wasn't
31:17She's like some lesbian grandma
31:19Who raises ducks
31:20Okay well guess what
31:21She touched Kim's almost vagina
31:22So she's not that innocent
31:24You know also she's a pretty young grandma
31:25We must agree
31:26We must agree
31:27Sure
31:29This has all just been a series of red flags
31:31I mean when I came to find my English dream
31:33I wanted to be in bed with like Mr. Darcy
31:36Or Hugh Grant from the British Jones Diaries
31:38Okay did you just say British
31:41Did you say British Jones Diaries?
31:43Yeah there's four of them
31:44Yeah it's not called British Jones
31:46She's British!
31:47She has a diary
31:48What are you talking about?
31:49What are you talking about?
31:50You're just some guy with a random girl's name tattooed to your ass
31:54And you're just you don't even have an electric bill
31:57You don't even know the difference between polyamory and monogamy
32:00What is the difference?
32:01They sound exactly the fucking same
32:03It's really different
32:04It's really different
32:05Okay
32:06Oh I'm sorry
32:07Lissa Larchman and Julia Jessup's garden?
32:09What the fuck?
32:10Yeah
32:11Is this a game of Clue?
32:12Cluedo?
32:13No
32:14I mean Cluedo
32:15The board game?
32:16No
32:17It's like the library and the pipe and the kernel mustard or whatever
32:18We call that Cluedo
32:19Well that doesn't make sense!
32:21Cause it's a game of clues!
32:23I don't know why you're
32:24You have to add your little you know tea cup of charm into it
32:28I'm just telling you it's what it's called
32:30I feel like the problem is that you're like obsessively like scanning me for red flags
32:35But I mean I don't like
32:38I'm not sitting there assessing you for red flags because that's not how my brain works
32:42But if I did do that it's not like you don't have any
32:44No I don't have any
32:45Name one
32:46I'm so fun
32:47Okay you end every sentence with a question mark
32:49I do not
32:50Yeah
32:51Two red flags like you send crazy long texts one after the other like multiple paragraphs
32:55Before I've even checked my phone you've basically sent me like an essay
32:58You talk about your ex the whole fucking time but you've never told me what you actually did
33:02So I don't know if he's a horrible monster or if you're actually just really overly sensitive
33:06Also by the way sometimes when you come you look dead
33:09That's hot
33:10Okay fair enough
33:11And like your dog smells really weird your dog smells of vinegar
33:14Why does she smell of vinegar?
33:15You've never had like a good explanation for that
33:18Wow
33:19Why do you keep telling me that you're sober?
33:21You just had three signature cocktails and took some coke
33:23For what?
33:24To be polite?
33:25Who cares?
33:26And you set yourself on fire the first time I met you
33:29Literally the first time I met you
33:31You're on fire
33:32You're a ridiculous guy
33:33Like within five minutes
33:34You literally set yourself on fire
33:36Oh my god
33:38Too much man
33:40Too much
33:41Maybe I'm not too much
33:42Maybe you're just not enough
33:43No I don't mean like
33:44It's not an insult
33:45I mean like
33:46You know you're too much
33:47Like it's a good thing
33:48Like just the right amount and then like a little bit more
33:52Oh
33:53No
33:54No
33:55No
33:56No
33:57I was just coasting
34:15Never really go anywhere
34:20Caught up in a web, I was getting kind of used to staying there.
34:27And out of the blue, I'll throw for you.
34:39Now you're lifting me up, that'll hold me down.
34:43Stealing my heart, that I'm stealing my crown.
34:46Untangled all the strings around my wings and we're tied.
34:53I didn't know him and I didn't know me.
34:57Cloud night was always out of reach.
35:01Now I remember what it feels like to fly.
35:06You give me butterflies.
35:16Now you're lifting me up, that'll hold me down.
35:30You're taking my hand, that I'm taking my crown.
35:34Untangled all the strings around my wings and we're tied.
35:38You give me butterflies.
35:45You give me butterflies.
35:48You give me butterflies.
36:08ε₯½δΊ for you.
36:24You give me butterflies.
36:27What do you wish they were?
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