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#Family Guy
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00:00It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:06But where are those good old-fashioned values, on which we used to rely?
00:13Lucky is a family guy. Lucky is a man who, wants to do his hand to, all the things that make us laugh and cry.
00:23He's a family guy.
00:30Hey, Brian, could you read Stewie his bedtime story tonight? I'm watching the Hot Ones episode where the wings fell on the floor.
00:41Jesse Plemons ate one with lint on it.
00:43Hey, when life gives you Plemons.
00:46Yes. And?
00:48I thought the beginning was clever enough to carry the day.
00:54Ah! Would have preferred a claw retraction on that tuck-in, but you're new at this.
00:58Okay, tonight I'm gonna read you Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was my favorite book when I was a kid.
01:04Pup. Pup means dog kid.
01:07Fine, since I was a pup.
01:08Correct.
01:09Mr. and Mrs. Bucket have a small boy named Charlie, who, by the way, is trans, not that it matters.
01:15He slash his grandparents all sleep on the same cruelty-free mattress because they are otherwise unhoused.
01:22What the hell?
01:22Where's the Chalamet, Bri? Get to the Chalamet.
01:25The Gobstoppers are vegan?
01:27After falling in the Chocolate River, Augustus Gloop apologizes for doing blackface?
01:32Why did they change all this stuff?
01:33My God, this is the worst day since 9-11.
01:37Hey, guys, we're out of dry food.
01:39Brian, they just knocked down the World Trade Centers.
01:42Oh.
01:43Did they also knock down the Petco?
01:45Hey, have you guys heard about this Hamilton thing?
01:53The iconic musical that sold out theaters across the globe?
01:56Yeah, we've heard about it.
01:57It's the Founding Fathers.
01:58But they rap.
02:01Officer Swanson, there's an illegal underage social function on Sycamore that's violating Ordinance 313.
02:07Please respond.
02:08I thought this was your day off, Joe.
02:10Why are they calling you?
02:10Tonight's the night my chief has everyone from the squad over to his house for dinner.
02:14How come you aren't there?
02:15It's like designated survivor.
02:17Of all the cops on the force, the chief asked me not to come.
02:21That's how critical I am.
02:23That's sad.
02:24I'm sad now.
02:25Sorry, I gotta go handle this.
02:27You guys are welcome to ride along with me, and I could drop you off after.
02:31Sounds great.
02:37Someone changed this classic kid's book to make it all woke.
02:40Who would do something like this?
02:41Probably someone who cares about their children, add Smug Smile now.
02:46Lois, did you have something to do with this?
02:48I sure did.
02:49This was the local chapter of my bored suburban mom group.
02:53It's called Mothers Invested in Literary Fixin'.
02:56Nilf?
02:57So you're ruining books just because you and your weak-minded friends can't handle reading them as the authors intended?
03:02Oh, come on.
03:03It's just a few little changes to make the books nicer.
03:06When did nice become a bad thing?
03:08Kids like Stewie a little and helpless and her innocence needs to be protected.
03:12Hey, could you do me a favor and not cut my sack off in front of Rupert?
03:16I'm trying to get in dem cheeks tonight.
03:18What you're doing is offensive to me as an author.
03:20Self-published author.
03:21Well, too bad, because we're just getting started.
03:24At tomorrow's school board meeting, we'll push to replace other problematic books with versions we approve of.
03:30Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to stuff in envelopes with these stamps featuring female heroes no one's ever heard of.
03:37Mary Lyon, founded Mount Holyoke College.
03:40Hero.
03:41Harriet Quimby, first female pilot to fly the English Channel.
03:45Hero.
03:46Hazel Hotchkiss Whiteman, honorary commander of the Order of the British Empire.
03:51Hero.
03:52Mary Lyon, founded Mount Holyoke.
03:55Oh, my God, they just repeat, there's only three of them.
04:02Hmm, this appears to be a shindig of the high school variety.
04:06Why do you always talk so doofy?
04:07Language is my mistress, and I like to try new positions.
04:11All right, I gotta go break this up.
04:15Wait, let's not break it up.
04:20Let's wake it up.
04:22Well, I guess this is a body cam cheat day.
04:25You're all under arrest for not partying hard enough.
04:29Yeah!
04:33Go ahead, pick another city.
04:35Coral Gables.
04:37Three to the three to the one, four, six.
04:39Whoa, yeah, cool.
04:41When it comes to zip codes, I am that dude.
04:45Cannonball!
04:48Cannonball!
05:00Yeah!
05:04Oh, God, that's Stacy.
05:05She can't see me here.
05:06Glenn, there shouldn't be anyone at this party who can't see you.
05:10Guys, they have Britbox.
05:11Who is ready for an eight-part murder mystery
05:14that absolutely shatters the coastal community of Brighton?
05:21Let's turn this party up a notch.
05:23I drank way too much last night.
05:48Why are we wearing tuxedos?
05:49Uh-oh.
05:52Apparently, we got married last night.
05:53It's all over TikTok.
06:00Boy, my dad doesn't look happy.
06:02But God bless him.
06:03He gave us a Cuisinard.
06:05You picked R. Kelly for our first dance?
06:08I know it's wrong, but the grooves are too strong.
06:11Guys, we have to fix this.
06:12Marrying each other was a huge mistake.
06:15It was?
06:16Welcome to tonight's town hall.
06:23Now, let's open up the floor to women with little chin hairs
06:26when the light hits it just right.
06:28Hello, parents and concerned citizens.
06:32There we go.
06:33Turn them off!
06:35Aw.
06:36We are MILF,
06:37and we're very worried about the outdated messages
06:40in the books you're giving our kids.
06:42Why does James' peach need to be giant?
06:44Huh?
06:45It's big-pitted,
06:46and we should celebrate its curves.
06:48All y'all husbands follow my Instagram.
06:52This is nuts.
06:53Changing books is wrong.
06:55If you don't like it,
06:55just don't read it.
06:56Look, I'll be honest.
06:58Whoever is angriest is going to win,
07:00so have at it.
07:02Come on!
07:03Hmm.
07:04It's pretty close.
07:05But since it's 2025,
07:07I'm gonna go with a group of ethnically diverse women.
07:10Thank God we're doing this divorce before Donna finds out.
07:32What's this about you getting a piece of my pension?
07:35I offered you a prenup.
07:36You declined.
07:37Let's just get this over with, Peter.
07:38But the Christmas cards already went out.
07:44Oh, my goodness.
07:45We really do come in all shapes and sizes.
07:51Now that we got that out of the way,
07:52let's pound some brews.
07:58We got married again.
07:59I can't believe it.
08:00Why does this keep happening to us?
08:02Guys, don't you see?
08:03It's the alcohol.
08:04Every time we drink,
08:05we end up doing something stupid.
08:07I'm afraid that dark day has finally come.
08:10We need to stop drinking.
08:12And we need to settle up for the hotel.
08:14Let's see here.
08:15Cleveland and Quagmire.
08:17Champagne and strawberries.
08:19Intimacy kit.
08:20And a movie that's just titled Movie.
08:22It was Frost Nixon.
08:24Ain't everything sexual.
08:25Actually, it was Frosting Nixon,
08:27and it was very sexual.
08:29Hmm.
08:30They've yet to find the title they can't corrupt.
08:33It's...
08:34I can't believe we have to stop drinking.
08:43This is a nightmare.
08:44Look, I don't like this any more than you do,
08:45but Peter's right.
08:46Either we cork the hooch
08:47or end up marrying each other every day.
08:50Fine.
08:50But just know that even though we're breaking up,
08:53I will still slap anyone
08:55who disrespects you at the Oscars.
09:02What did you want to talk to us about, Peter?
09:04I've decided to give up alcohol.
09:06Well, I'm proud of you.
09:08This is gonna change your life.
09:10Ours, too.
09:11Way to go, Dad!
09:12Thanks, gang.
09:13But just so you know,
09:14I'm now replacing all my alcohol energy
09:16with Grand Canyon energy.
09:18What's that?
09:18Just endless enthusiasm about the Grand Canyon.
09:21Did you know the most dangerous animal in the GC
09:24is actually the rock squirrel?
09:26That's true.
09:27I'm looking at your faces,
09:28but that's actually true.
09:32Welcome to Kettlebells with Stu.
09:34We're all warriors here.
09:36Kettlebell warriors.
09:37See that over there?
09:38That's the road.
09:39If any of you want to waste my time,
09:40you may as well hit it right now.
09:44All right, warriors,
09:45we'll pick this up next week.
09:46I shouldn't have advertised on Facebook.
09:48It's all pigs.
09:50And they want to change the books you read
09:52because they think you can't handle it.
09:53So I've invited a guest to speak with you
09:55about the dangers of sanitizing books.
09:58Quahog's own beloved children's book author,
10:00Mr. Hillman Hollister.
10:02Good afternoon, everyone.
10:04I hope you're ready to hear the word the
10:06in front of a lot of different ethnicities.
10:08Thank you for coming, Mr. Hollister.
10:10We're gonna take a little break.
10:11Be sure to give your email
10:12to one of the guys with the clipboard
10:13so we can flood your inbox
10:14for the rest of your life.
10:16Hey, Brian, I'm a news producer
10:18and our team loves how outspoken
10:20you've been about literary freedom.
10:21We think our viewers would really appreciate
10:23your point of view.
10:24Really?
10:25Absolutely.
10:26Call me.
10:29Hey, that guy you were talking to
10:30just ran over a group of protesters
10:32when he drove off.
10:33Peter?
10:43Hey, sleepyhead.
10:45Why are you up so early?
10:48Is that fresh brewed coffee I smell?
10:50It sure is.
10:52Also, I prepared your tampon for the day.
10:56Wow.
10:57Gross.
10:58Thanks.
10:59Crap, I have to get the kids ready for school.
11:01Relax, I took care of it.
11:03They are out of bed and fed.
11:05Great, thank you.
11:06Not Pop-Tarts, though.
11:07They are out of bed and fed.
11:10I gotta tell you, Peter,
11:11sobriety is looking good on you
11:13and your liver must be thrilled.
11:16Hey, HR sent me to tell you
11:18that you can finally use
11:19all that vacation time you've accrued.
11:21Awesome.
11:22There's a state I've really been wanting to visit.
11:24Which one?
11:25Oregon.
11:27It's a liver.
11:33How are we feeling today, boys?
11:35Rested and vested.
11:37Killing it without swilling it.
11:38So, what do you guys want to do?
11:41Usually a whole day is taken up by the drinking.
11:43And the puking.
11:44The puking was implied, yes.
11:46I'm sure we can find something that we'll all enjoy.
11:48Isn't this awesome?
11:52What could be more fun than puzzling with my boys?
11:56So nice having you together in the same bubble.
12:01Oh, hey, Roberta.
12:02Look at you, all grown up.
12:04Bubble Roberta?
12:05You get back here.
12:06There's no age of consent in the bubble.
12:09Like all newly sober black men,
12:12I have taken to hustling chess in the park.
12:14I am a legend here.
12:17Checkmate.
12:17I suppose this was inevitable,
12:21as I did not know the horsey could jump.
12:25Now this is more like it.
12:27Drunk or sober,
12:28watching football with my boys will always be a blast.
12:31It's second down, three yards to go.
12:33This second down is brought to you by
12:34Casamigos Tequila.
12:36Casamigos, the tequila for guys
12:38who want to buy houses next to each other in Mexico.
12:41Hey, should we do that?
12:42No can do, Peter.
12:44I'm still underwater on two different timeshares in Panama City Beach.
12:48What? How?
12:49They said if I went to the timeshare presentation,
12:52they'd give me free Steve Harvey tickets.
12:54Well, how was the Steve Harvey show?
12:55Do you promise not to laugh?
12:57Of course.
12:57I got so excited about the concept
13:00of the flexible family vacation
13:02that I forgot to get the tickets.
13:05You promised!
13:07Are you sure you want to do this, Bri?
13:14Fox News has a history of twisting the truth
13:16to fit their agenda.
13:17Look, we may not agree on much,
13:19but at least I'll get some air time to speak my piece.
13:21All right, but if you get in trouble,
13:22just say Dominion three times.
13:24That's their candy man.
13:29We're on!
13:31Welcome to Hannity.
13:31Our guest tonight, Brian Griffin,
13:33has something important this nation needs to hear.
13:36Thanks for having me, Sean.
13:38I'd like to talk about books.
13:39And how the woke mind mob wants you to change them
13:41because the authors are white.
13:43But you stood up to the vermin in Chicago
13:45and said, no bueno, comrade Obama.
13:48What?
13:48Uh-oh.
13:49Brian's chyron says Freedom Crusader,
13:51and there's a photo over his shoulder
13:53of Hunter Biden's penis.
13:54I just want books to be left alone.
13:56This has nothing to do with the migrant crisis.
13:58You're right.
13:59It has everything to do with it.
14:01Think about it.
14:01When you go to the mall,
14:02what's the bookstore called?
14:04Borders.
14:04That chain closed like 15 years ago.
14:07Right.
14:07We should close the borders with chains.
14:10You get it.
14:10By the way, this is an open carry studio.
14:12Here's your gun.
14:13Ah!
14:14Dominion!
14:14Dominion!
14:15Dominion!
14:15Ah!
14:16Ah!
14:16Ah!
14:16Ah!
14:17Ah!
14:17Ah!
14:17Ah!
14:17Ah!
14:18Ah!
14:18Ah!
14:19Ah!
14:19Ah!
14:20Ah!
14:20Ah!
14:21Ah!
14:21Ah!
14:22Ah!
14:22Ah!
14:23Ah!
14:23Ah!
14:24Ah!
14:25Ah!
14:26Ah!
14:27Ah!
14:28Ah!
14:29Ah!
14:30Ah!
14:31Ah!
14:32Ah!
14:33Ah!
14:33Ah!
14:34Ah!
14:35Ah!
14:35Yeah, that's...
14:36That's fun, I guess.
14:38Garbanzo.
14:39Also fun to say.
14:40Not bok choy level, but...
14:42Pretty close.
14:43Yeah.
14:43Garbanzo's great.
14:45You know who makes a good napkin?
14:47China.
14:49God!
14:49What happened to us?
14:50Now that we're sober, we don't got anything in common.
14:53And why would we?
14:54Our group is a fat guy, a black dude, a sex pest, and a wheelchair cuck.
14:58We make no sense together.
15:00I hate to say it, but I don't think we're cut out to be friends.
15:03Peter's right. Maybe we should just go our separate ways.
15:07Spend time with our families.
15:09Yeah, and I guess I gotta go see if I still have anything in common with other black people.
15:15They stopped midway because I said pickleball.
15:18As a newly sober person, I'm often going to ask if it's okay that I say what a nice time I'm having.
15:32I'd rather you didn't.
15:33Hey, can I just say what a nice time I'm having right now?
15:36Every time we do this, I wonder why we don't do it more.
15:38We're doing it now.
15:39Yes, but there should be more times of us doing it.
15:43Hey, you been hydrating, Lois? You gotta hydrate. It's the key to staying hydrated.
15:47Stop saying hydrated!
15:51Uh, Lois, you may want to go inside.
15:55Oh, hydrated.
16:02Hey, look. Did you see this?
16:05Your book, Faster Than the Speed of Love, is back on the shelves.
16:08Really?
16:09Nice!
16:10With a new forward by Ann Coulter.
16:12Less nice.
16:13And a very forward by Lauren Boebert.
16:15When I'm not rubbing my hand over a tented khaki, I'm curled up with a copy of Brian Griffin's excellent book.
16:21And does anyone know how Beetlejuice the musical ends?
16:25Ugh, my book is being co-opted by the right. It's gross.
16:28And it's selling!
16:29It's number two on the neo-Nazi bestseller list, behind Ben Shapiro's Tyranny, How the Radical Left Made Me Bad at Sex.
16:36Hey guys, good news! The seeds arrived! Everyone to the vegetable patch! What's going on?
16:45Peter, we have something we need to say to you. Please sit down.
16:49Okay.
16:50This is an intervention.
16:53But I already stopped drinking.
16:54This is to get you to start again.
16:56How dare you ambush me like this! I trusted you! And who's that guy?
17:01Well, we've never held an intervention before, so Jax is here to help.
17:05I was sober for years, Peter. It was hell. Every morning I wake up at home and not in a bush. I stopped at red lights like a bitch. But through quitting therapy and shutting religion, I found the strength to drink again. And so can you!
17:18Peter, your children have written letters to tell you how your sobriety has affected them. Chris, go ahead.
17:25It's been twelve days since you took a swing at our crossing guard. You've stopped asking if I think I'm better than you.
17:33When I wrote this letter, I knew I would be the relative reading it to you from a straight back chair. As opposed to a couch.
17:47This past week, I've had to spend more quality time with you.
17:51But you always say you want that!
17:52I want to say I want that and I want you to come up short!
17:56I can't handle this right now. I need to hydrate. Just a little agua to take the edge off.
18:01No, no, no, no! You get it! No, no, no! You get it!
18:03I drink it!
18:04You're right, okay. I can't keep not drinking like this.
18:10Shh, it's okay, baby. It's okay. You don't have to do this alone.
18:17Let's go get tanked. Together.
18:20So you're really going to pander to this extremist conference just to move some books? I can't believe you're selling out like this. I'm not selling out. I'm presenting my art in its rawest form.
18:39But this place is full of weirdos. They erected a gallows to hang barbies. And look at how they're opening the event.
18:45To honor our fallen insurrectionists, please observe a moment of violence.
18:50Don't forget to hit the cops we love. Thank you for your service.
19:03And now I'll read an excerpt from my book, Faster Than the Speed of Love.
19:11Bigot! Cut his mic! We don't want to hear your racist book.
19:16We do. Let him read his racist book.
19:19It's not a racist book. The woke mob hates it. That means it's good.
19:23Republicans like it. That means it's bad. I can't believe it.
19:27Hey, back off!
19:29Everybody shut up! You wimps want to edit any book that hurts your precious feelings.
19:35And you freaks just want to ban books altogether! There are bigger problems in this world than some stupid book!
19:41Oh, my God. The dog author is right. His book is stupid. But that's not what I meant.
19:46The first six pages are a description of a lake. The sex scene repeatedly uses the word honkers.
19:51There's a map at the front that doesn't pay off. Every sentence starts with and then.
19:56And then I'm a hack. We got it.
19:57You have brought us together, Brian Griffin. We've both agreed to ban just one book. Yours.
20:05Well, it looks like everyone hates you again. Leaving you with just enough political infamy to do $5 birthday greetings on Cameo.
20:13Hey, Larry. Sorry Vanessa dumped you. So from one dog who s***ed the bed to another, happy birthday.
20:19Intended for adult audiences. Viewer discretion is advised.
20:32Ha! That's hilarious, Joe.
20:34What is? I didn't do anything.
20:36Doesn't matter. The point is, we're all together again.
20:38But what about what you said before? That we have nothing in common. That beer is just hiding the truth.
20:43Yeah, but it's how you say it.
20:45Beer is hiding the truth. The truth of what guy friends are. A random assortment of dudes bound by booze.
20:52Peter Stewie swallowed a Tide Pod. We're headed to St. Christopher's. Come quickly and bring...
20:59To alcohol. It may tear families apart, but it brings friends together.
21:04The Clint & Keith Lewis hand forgot the truth of his hand.
21:06The Clint & Keith Lewis weapons together.
21:14The Clint & Morgan Resort
21:18The men of Schooly or Indian People
21:19Infant Sheon
Recommended
20:41
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