- 6/6/2025
#CinemaJourney
#Family Guy
#Family Guy
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:01It seems today that all you see
00:04Is violence in movies and sex on TV
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values
00:11On which we used to rely?
00:14Lucky is a family guy
00:17Lucky is a man who drives what we can do
00:21All the things that make us laugh and cry
00:24He's a family guy
00:30So thanks to A.I., here's a picture of what JonBenet Ramsey would look like in a bikini today
00:39Wowza!
00:40But first, would you like to spend the rest of your life alone?
00:43Would you like your last meal to be a handful of red dirt?
00:46Well, a local firm here in Quahog is now accepting applications to take a one-direction trip to Mars
00:52Huh?
00:53One-direction as in you stay there forever, not as in the band
00:56The mission is being supported by the Quahog Engineering and Scientific Organization, or CASEL
01:01Que?
01:02That's CASEL the organization, not the Mexican cheese dip
01:05Mom, guess what?
01:08No, Meg
01:09I got us two tickets to Laser Dua Lipa
01:12All of Dua Lipa's hits synced up to a bunch of red and green laser doodles
01:16It's three hours
01:17We'll be stone-cold sober, and it's in the middle of the day
01:20Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie, but I'm busy that day
01:23I haven't said what day it is yet
01:25Weekends are just really tough for me right now
01:27It's on a Tuesday
01:29Oh, yeah, you know what? Tuesdays are just impossible
01:32Wednesdays, too, and then Thursday through Monday, I'm pretty much just prepping for Tuesday
01:36I'm sorry, honey, maybe next time
01:43The cast of Suits Then and Now
01:46Oh, look at that
01:48Yeah, slight difference
01:49What's your cheapest morning after pill?
01:54It's called Plan C
01:56Haha, nice, I get it
01:58Let me get that gift wrapped
01:59Whoa, who is this tall drink of water?
02:06I, uh, I like your horn, is that okay to say?
02:10Oh, well, thank you, I do try to moisturize
02:13Come on, Stewie, let's
02:14Ryan, leave the aisle, and then come back and ask for my autograph
02:17So, what part of Q-town are you from?
02:19Oh, very hip, right by that Thai fusion speakeasy that used to be a needle exchange
02:23I love it over there
02:24Uh, excuse me, sir, may I have your autograph?
02:26Not now, I'm in a conversation, wait for me outside
02:28Wait, no way, both of you guys are dry or safe?
02:36Guys, are you feeling this?
02:37Rupert, I just knew you two would vibe the way we vibed at the drugstore
02:41And that never happens to me
02:43Guys, is this, are we a, a thruple?
02:47Oh, hey, Brian, you remember Made In from the pharmacy?
02:50Made In?
02:51Yeah, see?
02:53Yeah, I don't think that's a name
02:54I think that's just the words made in with a sticker over the word China
02:57Well, that's the name, and they, that's right, they, are living with me and Rupert now
03:02Great, Stewie, have fun with your toys, I'm gonna go binge surf Hinge in a dark room
03:06Don't listen to him, he doesn't accept you, Made In
03:09I accept you, no, we accept you
03:14Alright, who wants to get thropped first?
03:16Oh, hey Meg
03:21Hey, Mr. Quagmire
03:23So, there's this Dua Lipa show
03:25Oh, uh, no
03:26I've got two tickets, and I was wondering if...
03:28No
03:29You would wanna go with me
03:30No, no, no
03:31Please stop asking
03:32I mean, honestly, it's pretty high tech
03:33No
03:34Plus, you get to socialize with all the other fans at intermission
03:37Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, look me in the eye
03:39The answer is no
03:40No
03:41But you always say no is just a spicy yes
03:45Stop telling people I said that
03:47You wanna go with me?
03:48Meg, no
03:49Please stop asking
03:50I can't think of anything worse
03:51I can't think of anything worse
03:52Plus, you get to socialize with all the other fans at intermission
03:55What do you say?
03:56Meg, look me in the eye
03:57The answer is no
03:59But you always say no is just a spicy yes
04:03Stop telling people I said that
04:05Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Dua Lipa's outline
04:14Unfortunately, due to a technical glitch or an Eric as we're calling them around here
04:23We're unable to play the music and will instead be playing the audio book of the Joy Luck Club as read by Howard Stern
04:29Part one, feathers from a thousand Lee away
04:32God, this is so hot
04:34I'm telling you I go nuts for these Chinese babes
04:38Mom?
04:39What are you doing here?
04:40I thought you were busy
04:41I'm sorry
04:42There was a Groupon
04:43The moment it was four dollars cheaper I was powerless to say no
04:48And she saw how quickly their eyes moved when she told them her idea for the Joy Luck Club
04:53Hey, she said the name of the thing in the thing
04:56I love that
04:57It's a god awful small affair
05:10To the girl with the mousy hair
05:14But her mummy is yelling no
05:17Until daddy has told her to go
05:22Take a look at her
05:24Oh, man
05:26Beaning up the wrong guy
05:28Oh, man
05:29Wonder if you'll never know
05:33Who's in the best setting now?
05:36Is there life on board?
05:37Is there life on board?
05:38Is there life on board?
05:39Is there life on board?
05:46Shut up, Meg
06:06But Meg, why on earth would you want to go to Mars?
06:13I made up my mind
06:14And this is what I want
06:17You know what, Meg?
06:18You're right
06:19This will be good for you
06:20And if you're chosen, we'll miss you
06:22But you'll have our support
06:25Oh, well, thanks, Mom
06:26I appreciate that
06:28You see what I did there, Peter?
06:30That is some next level jujitsu parenting right there
06:33Oh, yeah, I get what you're going for
06:36Get rid of Meg
06:37Get some heart exchange student from Sweden
06:39Me and her, we flirt a little
06:40We get something going
06:41And then one thing leads to another
06:42I cross a line
06:43And the next thing you know
06:44We're all walking on eggshells
06:45Her dad calls from Sweden
06:46I can't understand a word he's saying
06:48He's either really happy or really mad
06:50Now, Peter, listen
06:51Meg's just rebelling for attention
06:53I used to do the same thing
06:55I once felt Ted Turner over the pants
06:57Right in front of my dad
06:58Very relatable
06:59But what I learned about parenting
07:00From the jacket of a book I didn't buy
07:02Is that when your child rebels
07:04You can't push back
07:05Or they'll double down
07:07You just stay supportive
07:08Let them learn their own lessons
07:10And they'll come crawling back to you in the end
07:12How is that different than what I said?
07:14Plus, every lonely incel in the country's applying to this thing
07:17She'll never be chosen
07:19How could you possibly have any energy this morning?
07:37You're right
07:38Time to greet this glorious day
07:40First we'll grab avocado toast at Simone's
07:42And then leisurely flip through the West Elm catalogue
07:44And circle everything we hate
07:48Ah!
07:49What do you say?
07:50Shall we take our breakfast on the balcony?
07:54When you're in a thruple
07:55Whatever house you're in automatically grows a Juliet balcony
07:58To lean against in your robe and boxers
08:00With a hot flavoured coffee and just sigh
08:03Welcome recruits
08:13My name is Sergeant Benziger
08:15Retired
08:16I drank lots of water at Camp Lejeune
08:18And am now financially independent
08:19To start things off
08:20I'm going to say this one more time
08:22This is about a One Direction trip to Mars
08:25And not about the pop band One Direction
08:27Now then, this will be a cut road exhaustive and highly competitive selection process
08:35We're not just looking for the best
08:37Or the best of the best
08:38We're looking for the best of the best of the best
08:41Of the best
08:42Ah crud
08:43If only he'd stopped at the previous best
08:48Alright trainees
08:49It's very important to have a cool thing to say the minute you set foot on Mars
08:53Meg, we'll start with you
08:57Did I do that?
08:59Not bad
09:00We would also have accepted
09:01What's up?
09:04Okay trainees
09:05As you may remember from the movie The Right Stuff
09:07We'll need to collect a semen sample from each of you
09:09But I
09:10No exceptions
09:11Figure it out
09:12Well, somehow you did it
09:14Everyone come back tomorrow
09:15You start the real training with the real guy
09:16Bye
09:18The Martian environment is completely cold, harsh, and inhospitable
09:22To train you to survive, we've found a similar environment
09:26An abandoned bed, bath, and beyond
09:28Anyway, as long as we're here, feel free to just take whatever you want
09:33I don't really want anything
09:34That was kind of the whole problem
09:37Since there's no wifi on Mars
09:39We're gonna send you up there with a VCR
09:41And you get to choose one tape
09:43One tape
09:46Ah, yes
09:47Sidney Poitier and Tom Berringer in Shoot to Kill
09:51A crackling tale of survival in the Pacific Northwest
09:53One man out for the law, one man out for revenge
09:56Letterboxd?
09:57Please
09:58I'm a pen and scan gal
09:59Arthur Penn's Target
10:01Starring Matt Dillon and a career best Gene Hackman
10:04The game of espionage is played by a strict code
10:07But that code has been broken
10:09Running time 117 minutes
10:11This has tape 2 of Titanic in it
10:13Oh, sorry about that
10:14Someone must have pulled an error
10:15Learn to love again
10:17With Under the Tuscan Sun
10:19Featuring Diane Lane and Sandra Oh
10:21At the tippy top of her game
10:23When life gives divorcee France's lemons
10:25She's off to Italy to make a Tuscan villain lemonade
10:28Rated PG-13 for sensual kissing and partial nudity
10:31Can't I just bring my laptop up there with me?
10:33No!
10:34Because then I wouldn't have a job, stupid
10:36You know what?
10:37Give me the tape back
10:38You don't get a tape
10:44Ooh, look at that one
10:45Well, I know it's small
10:46But this is Provincetown on a July 4th weekend made in
10:49Beggars can't be choosers
10:50Hey Stewie, you wanna get lunch?
10:52Give us a few minutes to washcloth our parts, Brian
10:54We had a long night
10:56Whatever
11:02Oh God!
11:03I can't breathe
11:07This is fine
11:08This is okay
11:09As long as the thruple balcony is strong
11:11The thruple is strong
11:13Other deviant sex groups get these too
11:15This is my one-bull balcony
11:20You know, you really showed us by signing up for this, Meg
11:27And no matter what happens, just remember, you definitely proved your point
11:32You see that?
11:33Yeah, that microphone's totally unguarded
11:35I'm gonna do my Michelle Obama impression
11:37Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us today
11:40Eh, I'll do it an intermission
11:41We have decided who is going to Mars
11:44You are all worthy candidates
11:46But, just like the box-a-thorn EMI screen entertainers Highlander says
11:50There can be only one
11:52And the winner is...
11:54Seamus!
11:55Eh, heh, heh, heh
11:56Eh, heh, heh, heh
11:59Well, honey, I'm glad you got this out of your system
12:01And to think I never pushed back once
12:04Good thing you've got a great mom, huh?
12:07Poet laureate Robert Pinsky once said
12:09When I had no roof, I made audacity my roof
12:13It is truly an honor
12:14Whoa, wait a minute
12:16Are those your arms and legs?
12:18Oh, man
12:19I guess I wasn't really paying attention
12:21The winner is... Meg!
12:23She won?
12:24Mom, I did it!
12:25I'm going to Mars!
12:27Barack hasn't satisfied me in years
12:30That's your impression?
12:31It's less a voice and more, like, an attitude
12:39Meg, you can't go to Mars!
12:41You can't talk me out of this, Mom
12:42I'm going
12:43But as your parents, we forbid it
12:45Right, Peter?
12:46Lois, kids go to Mars
12:47That's what they do
12:49Hey, Meg, congrats on this Mars thing
12:51Great stuff
12:52Hey, listen, if I give you this bone
12:54Could you maybe bury it for me up there?
12:55That would...
12:56Yeah, that would just be huge for me
12:58Oh, honey
12:59You've still got your whole life ahead of you
13:01I'm a hero now, Mom
13:03I have a purpose
13:04When that rocket takes off next week
13:06I'm going to be on it
13:07Um, if Meg can go to Mars
13:09Can I go to the Pornhub Awards?
13:11Still no, Chris
13:12I'm going to kill myself!
13:14We're good parents
13:20Look, we all understood that there would be some bumps along the way, right?
13:24When you're in a three-way relationship, there will inevitably be times where two sides gravitate towards each other
13:29Right now it's Rupert and Maiden, eventually it'll be Stewie and Maiden
13:31And then, Rupert, you're gonna feel like the lonely left-out piece of no one wants
13:38Well, cheers everyone
13:39well cheers everyone oh why are you laughing i don't get it oh it's an inside joke oh you
13:45you two have a an inside joke well i well i know a million jokes too why did the old man fall in
13:51the well because he couldn't see that well right inside joke now everybody agree i'm sexually
13:57desirable too wow there she is it's the girl who's going to mars i saw her in the parking lot
14:07but i could get excited again meg will you please join us in the women's bathroom in honor of your
14:14sacrifice we hereby rename this stall the meg griffin memorial handicapped bathroom stall
14:20this is literally what i've asked santa for my entire life ew what
14:28i was trapped in by the ribbon yeah it's always something with you guys
14:38hey brian i got something for you what i thought you liked that thing it turns out we have some
14:47irreconcilable differences see i'm a torus and they're a home-wrecking slut stewie i have
14:52absolutely zero interest in your six dollar toy hey there rupert hey you know what let's have our
14:59lunch by the window there's something i'd like you to see you see you did this rupert you did
15:10you humiliated me and this is what happens you do not play games with me
15:16but to be clear i'm still a free spirit super chill super open super down for whatever
15:25hey meg we're all gonna miss you and if you could pour this bag of urine on top of wherever you bury
15:35brian's bone that'd be huge for me i'm really gonna miss you too meg really well yeah worrying
15:41about the sound my headboard makes against the wall is a big part of it for me i'll miss that
15:46tension it's part of my scenario that's really sweet chris
15:50wow now i'm actually feeling kind of sad to leave you guys yeah too bad you can't back out now
16:03you'd be widely hated and deservedly so
16:05tom tucker live here from cape quahog where local resident meg griffin is about to become the first
16:20person ever to go to mars truly a historic moment which we will now celebrate with a small but
16:25affordable clip of europe's the final countdown
16:28meg's only companion for the flight will be a year's supply of food and because she's a woman
16:47her pillow from home
16:48oh my god she doesn't want to go we gotta call off the launch
16:59prepare launch sequence
17:02wait stop
17:06no
17:08no but that's my daughter in there
17:11yeah we can't just stop every time a mom bursts in here you think neil armstrong's mom didn't
17:16burst in and say wait stop they always say wait stop initiate countdown
17:21and it looks like it's time for the cryptcoin.com countdown
17:2910 9 4 000 negative 6 000 8 negative 63 000 and now it is no longer the cryptcoin.com countdown
17:39anyway 10 9
17:42oh man i hope i'm making the right decision
17:46what am i talking about of course i am mom didn't even bother to see me off much less say
17:56wait stop like neil armstrong's mom
17:59wait stop
18:01mom nobody shoots my baby into space
18:05mom what are you doing this is super dangerous
18:08huh don't worry meg they'll never shoot off a rocket with a woman holding onto the
18:12oh
18:14and we have the doll
18:24oh my god is that lois mom's gone dad can i go to the pornhub awards
18:30oh yeah sure steward
18:31just hold on channel tom cruise and is most mentally ill
18:40why are we turning
18:47mom we're going down
18:50oh god oh god i can't die like this
18:56i never finished the wire
18:58i never started the wire
19:01and here it comes the horrifying crash we were all secretly hoping for
19:06oh my god
19:15she's got the car keys
19:17i'm sorry you won't get to go to mars
19:24well i'm just glad we got lucky and the rocket crashed
19:27luck had nothing to do with it
19:29hey we're saved
19:34it was the mom that caused the crash
19:36you can't suddenly add 145 pounds to a carefully calibrated propulsion system
19:41145 now i'm only 128
19:45no we tested 128
19:48we could handle 128 128 and the rocket's in space right now
19:53okay maybe 130 with shoes on but i'd know if i was 145
19:58oh i wonder who i believe more
20:01a mom with no job or six nerds from mit
20:04hmm i think i'll go with the nerds
20:07so funny so good
20:11okay okay anyway get in this basket
20:14see that's exactly what we were talking about
20:29128 and we're back on dry line
20:32maybe it's because i have stuff in my pocket
20:35it's definitely not the stuff
20:38we'll go get the large stop crate
Recommended
1:05:00
21:37
22:21
18:43
58:00
23:18