- 2 days ago
#CinemaJourney
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00:00I really want one of those blackberries but I just feel like I'm gonna eat it and it's gonna go
00:04You need to drop it in like Usher doing the cherries
00:10There you go. There you go mate. It was sexy as well. Happy with that
00:19I'm so happy for you. Oh, how dare you?
00:24Go on try that.
00:26No. Oh, stop it. Oh, trickier. Oh, why is she dressed as a pilgrim father?
00:34This is what we've tuned in for.
00:38I'm down for beers and bans. That's what you want. Crisp is a word I'll probably use. Crisp is good. Oh, I'm happy. Yeah, that makes me happy.
00:47It's literally the greatest moment of my life.
00:50In the week we bid a fond farewell to TV cleaning legend Kim Woodburn, we enjoyed lots of great telly.
00:58The hardest working man in pop was on his travels on ITV.
01:02I'm Gary Barlow from Take That.
01:04There's a big audience out there and we're ready.
01:06And we're on a huge world tour.
01:08I saw Jason Orange the other day and I've got to tell you this the truth. No one sees him and everyone's looking for him on Reddit.
01:15This is true. And he did like a traitors. When he recognised, when he realised I'd recognised him, I was in Muswell Hill, this is God's honest truth.
01:22I was like, that's Jason Orange. And he went like this.
01:24What, he hid?
01:26He hid and sort of smiled and scurried off.
01:28And then I Googled it and no one knows where he is.
01:30What did you Google? Where's Jason Orange?
01:34Jason Orange, what's he been up to? Does he live in Muswell Hill?
01:37We went back to simpler times on Channel 4.
01:41Making water could be a sport. What's a linter turn?
01:44But you can get the time in here, can't you? Can I make water quicker than you?
01:48There isn't one bit of England that someone hasn't stuck a camera into.
01:52There isn't one piece of cheese, there isn't one butter churn, there isn't anything in the whole country
01:57that a camera hasn't filmed with someone going, can I help you with that?
02:01Can I do a little bit badly for you?
02:04And the bed-hopping began on ITV2.
02:08Is everyone happy now in their new couples?
02:11I don't even feel like I need to say it to you much, lad.
02:15I am glad, though, that I'm not in the dating game anymore. And to be clear, I never was.
02:20How did you meet your missus?
02:22Well, I did the classic move of working with her for a year.
02:26Oh, okay.
02:27Player!
02:28He got game!
02:37In North London.
02:39You want a crisp?
02:40No.
02:41Why not to eat crisps?
02:42Why not?
02:43I'm just trying to, you know, keep it real.
02:46Stephen and his sister Anita.
02:48I did the marathon and what happens is you stop running and you just eat for six months.
02:53So I'm going to try not to do that.
02:54Oh, I see.
02:55So you're trying not to eat?
02:56Well, I'm trying not to eat rubbish.
02:58I see.
02:59Yeah.
03:00Because you think you can eat anything when you're running that much and then you stop
03:03running and then you carry on eating that much.
03:04I love the way you just got that in there.
03:06Because I've just done the marathon.
03:08I just like to drop that into every occasion.
03:10Excuse me.
03:11Do you know that I just run the marathon a few weeks ago?
03:14Hello?
03:153.56 and 22 seconds.
03:17Oh, my God.
03:19On Friday, Gary Barlow was enjoying some culinary delights down under on ITV.
03:27I'm into my wine at the minute, aren't I?
03:29Yeah, you have really got into wine.
03:30Oh, I love it.
03:31Every time I ring you, it's like, yeah, I've just enjoyed a bottle of red and I'm like...
03:35He's aged better, actually.
03:37He looks much better now than when he was first and take that, yeah.
03:41Really?
03:42Yeah.
03:43Men do seem to age well.
03:44Don't we?
03:45Generally.
03:46Most men.
03:47No.
03:48He had a good lockdown, didn't he, Barlow?
03:50What do you mean?
03:54What did he do in lockdown?
03:55He played his piano a lot online.
03:57Did he?
03:58Yeah.
03:59It's like someone was watching him a lot on lockdown.
04:01He couldn't stop him, couldn't not watch him.
04:06I'm hundreds of miles from the nearest city.
04:09Alice Springs!
04:10We've been there.
04:11Yeah.
04:12But I'm not quite as alone as I look.
04:14Oh, he's got company.
04:16Who is it?
04:17Because unless I'm hallucinating...
04:20It's Ronan!
04:21I'd swear that was Ronan Keating coming towards me.
04:24What's he doing there?
04:25Oh, it's boy band heaven.
04:26Gary!
04:27Yes!
04:28Yes!
04:29What are the chances?
04:30I hate things like this on programmes like this, because...
04:35It's not a surprise, Gary.
04:36It's not a surprise, Gary.
04:37You've come in production, I've told you.
04:38They've told you.
04:39Ronan Keating's not walked there across Australia.
04:42Don't you bring me to all the nice places.
04:44Look at this.
04:45Sworn enemies up until ten minutes ago.
04:49That's the truth.
04:50I've got another surprise for Ronan.
04:52At least you'd like this one.
04:54They're actually very similar, aren't they?
04:55Yes, they are.
04:56They're slowly turned into the same person, aren't they?
04:58I think that's what Gary Barlow shows about.
05:00He just slowly turns everyone into Gary Barlow.
05:02Yeah.
05:03We try our hands at creating a sound that's become synonymous
05:06with Australia's indigenous culture.
05:09Beatty.
05:11I sense a didgeridoo will be a pun.
05:13Oh!
05:14The didgeridoo!
05:15It's going to be the didgeridoo.
05:16So we've come to a sand dune for a didgeridoo masterclass.
05:20I'd love to have a go on one of them.
05:22I think quite hard.
05:23I don't know.
05:24There's no buttons, is there?
05:25To learn all about the rhythms of this ancient mystical instrument.
05:29Are they not allowed one?
05:30They've got to play the sticks.
05:31Yeah, there's only one.
05:32They can only afford one.
05:33You know what I really, really wanted to see today?
05:36Yeah.
05:37Is Gary Barlow and Ronan Keaton banging sticks together.
05:40You said that before we started this.
05:42I did, yeah.
05:44Love that sound of the didgeridoo.
05:46Absolutely.
05:47You can't not love that sound.
05:49All day with that buzzing around your nut, eh?
05:52That'll twist your melon.
05:53All right.
05:54So all of this is created?
05:55By mouth.
05:56By mouth.
05:57We're like a Scottish bagpipe.
05:58Oh, it's like a bagpipe.
05:59So that they have to blow hard like.
06:01Yeah.
06:02You blow in a strange way.
06:03Where you breathe is on the chit and not the do.
06:05Yeah?
06:06What did he say?
06:07Talking spitter.
06:08So, tuwaki, tuwaki.
06:09Go on, try that.
06:10Tuwaki, tuwaki.
06:11So, tuwaki, I leap out of the water going, tuwaki, tuwaki.
06:14Then I come up to the part where I'm going to breathe and go, boom.
06:17He's been like the worst teacher in the whole world.
06:20I haven't got a single clue what he's talking about.
06:23There must be an easier way to explain this.
06:27Air here.
06:28Air here.
06:29Mouth.
06:30Didge.
06:31Air, air.
06:32Two forces of meaning.
06:33Oh, shut up.
06:34Can I just say?
06:35It's a didgeridoo.
06:36All you've got to do is just blow.
06:37Yes.
06:38Hum at the back of your throat and just go, didgeridoo.
06:41Didgeridoo.
06:42Didgeridoo.
06:43Didgeridoo.
06:44Didgeridoo.
06:45Didgeridoo.
06:46Didgeridoo.
06:47Didgeridoo.
06:48Fucking Dalek.
06:49That's it, that's it.
06:53Beautiful.
06:54I love it.
06:55Runa's involved now.
06:56I think you might be winding them up.
06:57I think it is.
06:58I feel like Ant and Dec are going to come out in a second.
07:00And they're going to go, ah!
07:02And an earpiece the whole time.
07:04Listen.
07:05That's the didgeridoo.
07:06That's the didgeridoo.
07:07Oh.
07:08Didgeridoo.
07:09Yeah.
07:10Where's the do?
07:11Then the do.
07:12Not massively different.
07:13Put them together.
07:14He literally is just saying didgeridoo.
07:19Didgeridoo.
07:20Didgeridoo.
07:21Didgeridoo.
07:22Didgeridoo.
07:23Didgeridoo.
07:24Didgeridoo.
07:25Didgeridoo.
07:26Didgeridoo.
07:27What was the thing I need to do?
07:28Oh, no.
07:29He's not going to have a go, is he?
07:31Didgeridoo.
07:32Didgeridoo.
07:33Didgeridoo.
07:34Didgeridoo.
07:35Didgeridoo.
07:36Didgeridoo.
07:37Didgeridoo.
07:38Excuse me.
07:39Thanks mate.
07:40And with that, we're both back where we started.
07:44On the rhythm section.
07:45Gary didn't have a go.
07:46Why isn't Gary going to have a go?
07:48Doesn't want to make an idiot of himself.
07:50Oh, okay.
07:57Is this really, I feel like I'm hallucinating.
07:59What, would you rather play the maracas I digitally do?
08:02Well, the maracas are easy, but I play both equally as bad.
08:09What's your favourite snack?
08:11I like cheese.
08:12I've seen you snacking.
08:13I like cheese and biscuits.
08:14Yeah, I do too.
08:15See.
08:16I have a glass of red wine.
08:17Yeah, of course you do.
08:18Only a glass.
08:19Friends Anton and Craig.
08:21What's your favourite cheese then?
08:23I like Stilton's.
08:25Mine is Port Salute.
08:27Really?
08:28Do you know that one?
08:29I don't know that.
08:30It's a soft cheese, isn't it?
08:31It's soft-ish.
08:32Where's it from?
08:34Port Salute.
08:35It's French, darling.
08:36Okay.
08:37I don't know if it's from Cornwall.
08:38Your name is Antoine Dubic.
08:39I thought you might be able to speak French.
08:41Bonjour.
08:42Petit point.
08:43Bonjour.
08:45On Wednesday, the clock carried on ticking on Channel 4 in another brain-busting mid-afternoon
08:52episode of this.
08:53Do you dance to the music?
08:54No.
08:55Do you?
08:56Yes.
08:57Okay, are you going to dance now?
08:58Probably.
08:59Okay.
09:00Best in tune.
09:01In the game.
09:02We haven't got pen and paper, so we're just going to do this bareback.
09:05Wednesday, June the 18th, and the last regular show of Series 91 of Countdown.
09:12Series 91?
09:13That's wild.
09:14It's just flown by, isn't it?
09:16So how many years is 91?
09:1891 years.
09:19It can't be 91 years, though, can't it?
09:22It can't be.
09:23Let's introduce our champion, two wins in the bag, looking to make it a hat-trick,
09:27and then Mel Smith can relax.
09:28That's not Mel Smith.
09:30It is.
09:31Mel, you're first to draw.
09:32Hello, Rachel.
09:33Hello, Rachel.
09:34Can I have a consonant, please?
09:36Here we go.
09:37See if you're any good at these four names.
09:38Okay, let's see.
09:39Another consonant, please.
09:40S.
09:41S.
09:42I love the sound of the letters going in.
09:44I do.
09:45The flunk.
09:46Yeah, the...
09:47It's lovely.
09:48And a consonant.
09:49K.
09:50Ooh.
09:51I'm out.
09:52Task.
09:53Katsu.
09:54And another consonant.
09:55S.
09:56Septus?
09:57No.
09:58Pactus.
09:59Piss.
10:00Piss.
10:01Sips.
10:02Sips.
10:03Katsu.
10:04Like chicken katsu.
10:05Chicken katsu curry.
10:06Yeah, I heard you the first time.
10:07Oh, yeah, there is a double s.
10:08P-I-S-S-E-T.
10:09Piss it.
10:10Does that say piss take?
10:11P-I-S-S-T-A-K-E.
10:12Piss take.
10:13Pasties.
10:14Oh, very good.
10:15Pasties is seven.
10:16How would you look at that and see anything other than piss take?
10:17That would be a piss take.
10:18P-I-S-S-T-A-K-E.
10:19Piss take.
10:20P-I-S-S-T-A-K-E.
10:21Piss take.
10:22Pasties.
10:23Oh, very good.
10:24Pasties is seven.
10:25How would you look at that and see anything other than piss take?
10:26That would be a piss take.
10:27Mel.
10:28Six.
10:29Six.
10:30Oh, well done.
10:31Oh, that is six.
10:32Nice bigger than yours, Mel.
10:33And for Steve.
10:34Uh, seven.
10:35Oh, he's got a seven.
10:36Oh, what's he got?
10:37Mel.
10:38Six.
10:39Six.
10:40Oh, well done.
10:41Oh, that is six.
10:42Nice bigger than yours, Mel.
10:43And for Steve.
10:44Uh, seven.
10:45Oh, he's got a seven.
10:46Oh, what's he at?
10:47Mel.
10:48Pauses.
10:49Oh, nice.
10:50Pauses.
10:51Pauses.
10:52Pauses.
10:53Pauses.
10:54Pauses.
10:55Pauses, I say.
10:56Oh, Steve, Steven.
10:57Steve, Steven.
10:58Oh, yeah.
10:59You've got to be a Steve to be good at this game.
11:00And another consonant.
11:01R.
11:02Rain.
11:03Rain.
11:04Rain.
11:05Rain.
11:06And another vowel.
11:07O.
11:08O.
11:09Urgh.
11:10Necrophiliac.
11:11It's worth a pun.
11:13A final H.
11:14Oh.
11:15Croatia.
11:16H.
11:17O.
11:18R.
11:19Just need a W.
11:20Double O.
11:21D.
11:22Good.
11:23OK.
11:24Is there any chance we could use the ones that we've got, though?
11:25Cornea.
11:26Crone.
11:27Cornea.
11:28Is that a word?
11:29C-O-R.
11:30C-O-R-N-E-A.
11:31I've injured my cornea.
11:35I've got seven.
11:36Are you joking me?
11:37No, I've got seven.
11:38What have you got?
11:39Chana.
11:40Hor...
11:41Hornea.
11:42Chana.
11:43Stop.
11:44Let me think.
11:45Let me think.
11:46Hold on, I'm just smoking a celebratory imagery fan.
11:47Let me think.
11:48Mel.
11:49Seven.
11:50Seven.
11:51Oh, she's got seven.
11:52Mel.
11:53Hornier.
11:54Hornier?
11:55Mel.
11:56Mel.
11:57Seven.
11:58Seven!
11:59Oh, she's got seven.
12:00Mel.
12:01Hornier.
12:02Hornier?
12:03Mel?
12:04And what word have you got?
12:07Oh, no, it could be a hornier type of animal.
12:10Like, I mean, to do with real horns.
12:12Not the horn that you're thinking of.
12:15Couldn't it?
12:16That's a hornier creature.
12:18Put it into a sentence for me.
12:21That bull has hornier horns than the other bull.
12:26OK, Rachel, can we start with a consonant, please?
12:28Thank you, Steve.
12:29P.
12:30OK, another go.
12:31And a consonant, please.
12:33Y.
12:34Pre-lentil.
12:35Yup.
12:36Yup.
12:37And a consonant.
12:39N.
12:40Yen.
12:41I've got it first.
12:42Puny.
12:43And another consonant.
12:45S.
12:46Oh, penis.
12:47Penis is there, which is an anagram of spine.
12:49Penis.
12:50Penisy.
12:52This man is much more penisy than the other man.
12:54I am always so rude.
12:56Finish with M.
12:58Good luck.
12:59Good luck.
13:00Even he went, good luck.
13:02Try not to say it.
13:03Colin knows it says penis.
13:04Penis.
13:05I've got a silly five.
13:08I can't say anything other than penis and anus now.
13:15One of them, one of them is going to say penis.
13:18Could be Mel.
13:19She's done hornier.
13:20Will she say penis?
13:21Here comes penis.
13:25Give me a number, Steve.
13:26Only a five, I'm sorry.
13:28No need to apologise, sir.
13:29Mel?
13:30Just a five.
13:31Apologise immediately.
13:32Why is he flirting with Mel?
13:33I know.
13:34Do you know what I mean?
13:35They don't want to hear it from you, Steve.
13:36Steve, what have you got?
13:37Mains.
13:38Oh.
13:39Oh, come on.
13:40Steve, you could have said penis.
13:41He's not going to say penis on television.
13:42Mel will.
13:43She's absolute filth.
13:44Done for you.
13:45Means.
13:46No.
13:47No one said penis?
13:48Gutt it.
13:49They got five anyway.
13:50At least have a laugh at it.
13:51Just say penis.
13:52It's so true.
13:53Where's your personality?
13:54Do you know what I mean?
13:55Come on, Mel.
13:56I'll tell you the longest word I know.
13:57Yeah?
13:58Yep.
13:59Pseudo-anti-disestablishment-terrorism.
14:01And means what?
14:02It means pretending that you're against, you know,
14:07the disestablishment of the church from the state.
14:11I don't know why the fuck anyone would do that.
14:14But I know that word.
14:15What?
14:16Who would pretend?
14:17Do you ever use that word?
14:19In Clapham we speak of little else.
14:22HE LAUGHS
14:31In Manchester...
14:32Fucking hell, ew.
14:33What can we say about the damn one?
14:35Well, you know what?
14:36Remember how New York used to be?
14:38Well, yeah.
14:39Before, yeah.
14:40In the 80s.
14:41Now, that's what's happened to Amsterdam.
14:42It's been cleaned up to, like...
14:44Yeah.
14:45It's still almost unrecognisable.
14:47Yeah.
14:48Good friends Sean and Bess.
14:50But, yeah, I noticed, right, the lack of shawamas.
14:53It used to be shawamas, shawamas, shawamas, shawamas, shawamas everywhere.
14:58And there were no shawamas to...
15:00I had to, like, stick me head in a gaff that just didn't look like a...
15:05A shawama gaff.
15:06Yeah.
15:07I'm surprised at the lack of shawamas.
15:08Honestly, it's like a different place.
15:12In South London...
15:14How much do you do around the house?
15:15Because I'm away so much, when I get home, I know how much cooking and cleaning and stuff my missus has done.
15:21Yeah.
15:22So I try to get stuck in as much as I can.
15:24Right.
15:25Good mates Rory and Ramesh.
15:27Well, I made lunch for my wife yesterday.
15:31And she said the direct quote was, this is a nice change.
15:35I do think there's part of her that probably suspects that her life would be better if I wasn't around.
15:41Do you know what I mean?
15:43And I...
15:44And I respect it.
15:49Let's be honest, if you just said your finances would be at the same level...
15:53Yeah, yeah, yeah.
15:54Then I think she'd probably kill me.
15:56On Friday night, Weatherfield's finest were on the warpath again on ITV.
16:02I'd done something in Coronation Street, I could never tell anyone.
16:05I went to a party there once.
16:08I won't let you know what happened, but it was...
16:10What, you mean on set? On set?
16:11Yeah.
16:12In the back of the Rovers.
16:13Coronation Street.
16:14Aye.
16:15The funniest of the soaps, am I wrong?
16:17What's the concept?
16:24Is it one street?
16:25Is it like Sesame Street?
16:29It's just the area, isn't it?
16:30It's not...
16:33Big Bird's gonna make it a bit, isn't it?
16:35That's only my favourite, Mrs Snuffleupagus.
16:36Mrs Snuffleupagus, like Oscar.
16:38In the episode, we dropped into Rye's Rolls and a tense standoff between Lou and Maria.
16:45Do you want something?
16:46What?
16:47Me and my family are decent people. I'd prefer if you kept your distance.
16:50Oh, no.
16:51Hold on, hold on, hold on.
16:53That's a bold opener, isn't it?
16:55Yes, I mean...
16:56You scumbag.
16:57Just stay out of my business and I'll stay out of yours.
17:00Aww.
17:01Judgey, judgey, judgey.
17:03That's what you're like.
17:04Judgey, judgey, judgey.
17:05Ha, ha, ha.
17:06Ta-ra.
17:07Bye.
17:08Oh, it's Audrey.
17:09Huh?
17:10Mm-hmm.
17:11Let's see Audrey's still on it.
17:12Yeah.
17:13Well, Audrey used to be in Rent-A-Ghost.
17:15Oh, dear.
17:16Something wrong here?
17:18I don't know.
17:19I just...
17:20I guess I just feel like I'm trying so hard to fit in round here and no-one wants to know me.
17:24Well, no-one wants to know Lou because her old fella killed the cop, killed Craigie.
17:31Did her?
17:32Yeah.
17:33Her husband's been done for murder and she's just trying to fit in now.
17:35She never has any look, does she?
17:37She never has no look when I look.
17:38I'm not on about Audrey.
17:39Oh, right.
17:40No, I'm on about you.
17:41Bloody hell.
17:42Well, I think everybody's still very angry with that husband of yours.
17:47I just think everybody's a bit miffed with your husband for killing that police officer.
17:55He's a cheeky bugger, isn't he?
17:58David was supposed to take this to the bank but I haven't seen Hyde nor heard of him.
18:02She's not daft.
18:03Did you see her eyes like up when Audrey was doing the till?
18:06Yeah.
18:07I can take it if you like.
18:08No, no.
18:09It's all right.
18:11Er, sure I can give it to him and give him a kick up the backside.
18:14She's spinning a lot of plates here, Audrey, isn't she?
18:16Yeah.
18:17This is her in the scene.
18:18Hold on.
18:19Hold on.
18:20What do you want?
18:21No.
18:22You take it.
18:23No.
18:24No.
18:25You take it.
18:26No, you.
18:27No.
18:28Which one of you will take it?
18:30A bit later and everyone had popped round to David Platt's for a barbecue.
18:35She said it was a deal breaker.
18:36Why is David so iconic?
18:38This is the fellow that's just one big brother.
18:39Big brother.
18:40And a couple load of that.
18:41I saw that last time I came.
18:42What is it?
18:43Oh, David loves his new table today.
18:44Right, everyone, nibbles.
18:45No, not on there.
18:46Seriously, don't, don't put them on there.
18:47Come on.
18:48So it's for a massive chat about a table.
18:49I was going to say, what are they all just talking about the one piece of table?
18:50Yeah, it's a big topic in the outside.
18:51That must have been a local tree.
18:52All right, Barry Keoghan's got the same one apparently.
18:53No, he has.
18:54Who's Barry Keoghan?
18:55Barry Keoghan, the actor.
18:56Barry Keoghan.
18:57Is it got Keoghan?
18:58From Saltburn.
18:59David.
19:00Ah.
19:01Here.
19:02What do you want me to do with this?
19:03What is it?
19:04It's cash in the salon.
19:05Oh, no.
19:06No, no.
19:07No, no.
19:08No, no.
19:09No, no.
19:10No, no.
19:11No, no.
19:12No, no.
19:13No, no.
19:14No, no.
19:15No, no.
19:16No, no.
19:17No, no.
19:18No, no.
19:19No, no.
19:20No, no.
19:21No, no.
19:22Oh.
19:23She's got an eye on that cash from the salon again, Lou.
19:26Blotting and scheming.
19:27It's like a front for a heroin business, isn't it?
19:29Audrey would be right on it, wouldn't she?
19:31Yeah.
19:36Is she eyeing up the coffee table?
19:37She is as well.
19:39She's seen that coffee table.
19:40Is that Barry Keoghan's one?
19:46I was sneaking the cash.
19:47Mm-mm.
19:48Don't do it, Lou!
19:50Do it, Lou!
19:51She's put it back!
19:52Put it back!
19:53Good choice!
19:54I knew it!
19:55Oh!
19:56Oh!
19:57Oh!
19:58How dare you!
19:59Oh, I was just looking for something.
20:00Yeah, I know exactly what you were doing, you thieving cow.
20:01Oh!
20:02Thieving cow.
20:03See, that's what I would have called it to.
20:04I was looking for a brown envelope.
20:05I brought my own brown envelope with me.
20:06Saw a brown envelope there.
20:07I thought, oh, is that my brown envelope?
20:08No, that's the one with all the money in it.
20:09Yeah, that's got the money.
20:10I don't want that one.
20:11My one's the one without the money in it.
20:12Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:13Which is, um...
20:14So, if you do see that, let me know.
20:15Anyway, love this coffee table.
20:16I know you're up to summit.
20:17I know you're up to summit.
20:18Why are you necking me?
20:19You're going nowhere.
20:20What are you doing?
20:21Get off a bit, Maria.
20:22You're going nowhere.
20:23You're going nowhere.
20:24You're going to sit on that coffee table, love.
20:25They're going to smash the table.
20:26David's going to be livid.
20:27Don't fight near the table.
20:28Shut up.
20:29You have to know it all.
20:30All right, I think we're going to have to send out for pizza.
20:31I wouldn't even give that to David the duck.
20:32No, that's the one with all the money in it.
20:33No, that's the one with all the money in it.
20:34No, that's the one with all the money in it.
20:35I don't want that one.
20:36My one's the one without the money in it.
20:37You know what it was, David.
20:38It's your coffee table, mate.
20:39Oh, my arm is killing me.
20:40Oh, you're joking.
20:41I'm going to smash the table.
20:42I'm going to smash the table.
20:43David's going to be livid.
20:44Don't fight near the table.
20:45Shut up.
20:46Captain, know it all.
20:47All right, I think we're going to have to send out for pizza.
20:48I wouldn't even give that to David the duck.
20:49No.
20:50What was that?
20:51The table.
20:52Barry Cougar's coffee table.
20:53No.
20:54What was that, smash?
20:55You know what it was, David.
20:56It's your coffee table, mate.
20:57Oh, my arm is killing me.
20:58Oh, you're joking.
21:00Oh, my arm is killing me.
21:03Oh, you're joking.
21:05Oh, you're joking.
21:06Are you okay?
21:07You're joking.
21:08You're joking.
21:09You're joking.
21:10You're joking, are you?
21:11You're joking.
21:12That was Barry Gergen's one.
21:14I didn't fall.
21:15I'm not drunk.
21:16She pushed me.
21:18Oh.
21:19Oh.
21:20Come on.
21:21Who's standing on what side?
21:23She was rummaging through that bag, yeah?
21:25And I said to her, what are you playing at?
21:27She said nothing.
21:28So I said, right, okay, show me your pockets then.
21:30She did.
21:31Look at them all standing around there.
21:33Like, it's fucking Cluedo.
21:35I like how she's explaining everything.
21:38And poor old David's there, just looking at his table.
21:42Just looking through.
21:43Just picking up the bits.
21:45Why does everyone always think the worst of me?
21:48I don't.
21:50You know, if you don't believe me, just look and she's on his bag.
21:53Ooh.
21:54One is still here.
21:57Still?
21:58She's guilty.
21:59But it's not all Arrow, is it?
22:01Is it not?
22:02Why is the painting of Jim Broadbent behind her?
22:05Oh, yeah.
22:07Do you reckon that was a real table they used?
22:09Or was it a stunt table?
22:10I hope not.
22:11It's going to keep me up tonight.
22:14I'm not going to stop thinking about that coffee table, Claire.
22:16Sorry, Matt.
22:25In Essex.
22:26Did you enjoy your father's day?
22:27I did, Claire.
22:28It was a perfect day.
22:30You and the boys got me some crisps, chocolate and beer,
22:33and then just left me alone for the day.
22:35The Buckleys.
22:36I sat there and I watched...
22:38What did you do?
22:39I watched Lethal Weapon one through four.
22:42Four Lethal Weapon films in one day.
22:45It was perfect.
22:46How come on Mother's Day, it's like, well,
22:49you want to spend it with the kids, go and do something with the kids?
22:52On Father's Day, it's like, well, you can go and play golf
22:56or watch Lethal Weapon.
22:58I don't make the rules, babe.
23:01I just fucking love them.
23:03This week, more Cotswold capers were keeping us entertained on Prime Video.
23:08Do you watch this show?
23:09I love this.
23:10I love this show.
23:11I like his Lamborghinis.
23:13He never buys anything normal, does he?
23:15Well, he don't go around his farm on his Lamborghini, does he?
23:18He's an old tractor.
23:19What?
23:20They made tractors first, didn't they, before cars.
23:22Who did?
23:23Lamborghini.
23:24Lamborghini tractors?
23:25Yeah, they are a tractor company.
23:28Before they made cars.
23:30Really?
23:31They made tractors.
23:38What would you have on your farm, Joe?
23:40Um, I would let it just go to pasture.
23:43In the programme, Jeremy was looking a bit stressed
23:47as he headed towards the opening weekend of his brand new pub.
23:51At lunchtime, the newly recruited staff started to arrive.
23:55How big is this pub?
23:56It looks like an hour.
23:57There's like 80 of them.
23:58And in order to get them settled, Sue and Rachel gave them a Gen Z focused HR pep talk.
24:05Gen Z.
24:06At least you know that they're not going to be like drinkers, because they don't really drink, do they?
24:12They don't drink anymore.
24:13No.
24:14No.
24:15No.
24:16I don't like that about them.
24:17What?
24:18They don't drink?
24:19No.
24:20I really don't.
24:21One thing I'm after is a massive smile, a positive mental attitude, a can-do attitude and camaraderie.
24:28We're all in it together and we're all trying to make it successful, aren't we?
24:31No.
24:32They all are like, mate, what am I getting paid per hour?
24:34Yeah.
24:35Let's cut to the chase.
24:36They need the money.
24:37I then decided to add a few motivational words of my own.
24:41Oh, no.
24:43Mr Motivation's coming in.
24:45One thing I cannot stand is gormlessness.
24:50So if you are gormless, could you please try not to be for the day?
24:54And I don't want slovenly oiks leaning on things.
24:59Imagine if half of them just went, OK, I'm going, I'm out of here.
25:04OK, fine.
25:05Sorry.
25:06That's what I do.
25:07I'm a slovenly oik.
25:08It's all good locally grown food.
25:11I'm afraid that costs a bit more.
25:13Look at their faces.
25:14I know.
25:15You're going to get people going, how much?
25:17If you could just say, listen, fuckwit, if you want to go and eat shit growing in Indonesia
25:22full of sawdust, plenty of other pubs around the place that can help you out with that.
25:29I hope later on we see one of the staff going, listen, fuckwit.
25:34If you want something...
25:35It's like leaning on something.
25:37If you want something made out of sawdust from Indonesia, fuck off.
25:45Bank holiday Saturday is, that's what the day is.
25:47You've got to be on form now.
25:49It's people's big weekend.
25:50After a couple of hours' kip, I return to the pub.
25:53It should be even more useless.
25:55We would be unveiling my new weekend carvery.
26:01Boom.
26:02He's an ideas man, isn't he?
26:04Who thinks of a weekend carvery?
26:07However, I'd forgotten one important thing.
26:12Look at that!
26:13Fucking hell, whose plate is that?
26:15Pulsion control.
26:16You can't let people serve themselves.
26:19Not with a carvery.
26:20I'm going to be brutally honest here.
26:22We are not going to be able to serve you guys food.
26:24It's all gone.
26:25Wow.
26:26Heartbroken.
26:27Look at him.
26:28Just found out the darkest news.
26:30Some bloody joker came in and had all the fucking food.
26:37Do you fancy owning a pub with me, Bea?
26:40I've actually thought about it.
26:41What, me and you getting a babooza?
26:43A babooza?
26:44Honestly, yeah.
26:45But you know what?
26:46I only see the glory side of it, you know, when you stood at the bar telling your story.
26:50We could get our mums to run it for us.
26:53Well, would you go to a pub with your mum running it?
26:59In North London.
27:00Any time you're back in Bristol, you put the ER back in your words.
27:03You know what I mean?
27:04Proper.
27:05If I actually did want to still speak like that, I could.
27:07Yeah.
27:08But I feel like it's been so long since I actually lived there.
27:10I was never that Bristolian, though.
27:12Maya and her brother Omar.
27:14Definitely water, bath.
27:16Water, bath, laugh, cant, dance.
27:19That's what I've called.
27:20Anything AF.
27:21They'll come out, yeah.
27:22Anything ER.
27:23ER.
27:24That's when you hear it, but...
27:25Our.
27:26But yeah, no, if I speak to you for a while, then it definitely comes back to me.
27:28I just remember moving to London at 16 and everyone being like,
27:31do you have sheeps in your garden?
27:33Yeah.
27:34I bet they put you a four in the town.
27:35Bristol is not like that, yeah.
27:36They're like, aw, it must have been different for you growing up on a farm.
27:39I'm like, I did not grow up on a farm.
27:40We're a city.
27:41This week, Tom Kerridge was sharing some tasty tips with us on Food Network.
27:46The problem with watching shows like this where you know you're going to see great foods,
27:49it makes me hungry.
27:50Yeah.
27:51And I couldn't eat anymore because I've eaten all that piccolini.
27:53I like to see bald men doing well.
27:55I really do.
27:56I see them very much as one of my beautiful bald brothers.
27:59This is my little pub.
28:01It's lovely, isn't it?
28:02I'd love to ride a pub.
28:03Get out of my pub!
28:05Do you like gastropubs?
28:06I do, but I don't like it when it gets too fancy.
28:09OK.
28:10We reveal the secrets of our Michelin-starred menu.
28:13Oh, Michelin...
28:14See, I'm always doubtful.
28:15If someone says Michelin-starred to me, I think, oh, let's go somewhere else.
28:19If they're so secretive, why is he giving them away?
28:22Yeah, why are you on telling?
28:23No, do you know what I mean?
28:24Look at your pub.
28:25Your local pub's got any secrets?
28:26Yeah, probably.
28:27Dead bodies.
28:28No, everything's microwaved.
28:29I want to show you my version of a classic bar snack which you can cook at home.
28:35Oh!
28:36Sausage!
28:37Right, listen.
28:38That's the one posh thing I love.
28:39Never made a sausage roll in my life.
28:40I have eaten thousands.
28:42I've eaten thousands.
28:44I've eaten thousands.
28:47I'm starting with minced pork, sausage meat and fresh breadcrumbs.
28:54All good so far.
28:55I do that.
28:56Do you?
28:57Yeah, how's that Michelin-starred?
28:58I mean, this is like an easy recipe so far.
29:00Here, I've got diced pickled onions.
29:03Oh, you're telling the right person.
29:04I do love a pickle.
29:05I love pickled onions.
29:06I love pickled onions.
29:07Do you not like the pickled shallots that are even more tangy?
29:09Yes.
29:10I've actually had a jar of gherkins to myself this week.
29:13Delicious.
29:14Congratulations.
29:15And it goes beautifully, especially with cheese.
29:18Oh, no.
29:19I don't want blue cheese in it.
29:22Pickled onion and blue cheese?
29:24You're too posh for you.
29:26That's way too posh.
29:27Why are you ruining cheese?
29:28You need sausage and pastry.
29:29That's it.
29:30That's all I want.
29:31It took me a long time to like blue cheese, you know.
29:33I was going to say, that one's rude.
29:34Yeah, I couldn't get over the fact that it's just like straight mould in the middle.
29:37I mean, it's essentially like a ploughman's lunch all wrapped up in one.
29:41It's a ploughman's lunch.
29:42Wrapped up in a sausage roll.
29:44Yeah.
29:45Oh, Mike.
29:46He has deconstructed and then reconstructed it into something else.
29:49Does anyone know a ploughman?
29:51Never met a ploughman.
29:52Never met a ploughman.
29:53To be honest with you, I ain't ever seen a ploughman either, mate.
29:55Have you?
29:56Not me neither.
29:57Where's them ploughmans to?
29:58What even is a ploughman?
29:59Then I'm adding more layers of flavour with finely chopped rosemary and caramelised onion chutney.
30:06Oh, you like that.
30:07I do.
30:08You like a bit of onion chutney.
30:09I've got some of that in the fridge.
30:10Not anymore, you haven't.
30:11Why?
30:12Because I cleared the fridge out the other day.
30:13So I think your caramelised onion...
30:15Was gone?
30:16...was 2019, I think.
30:17So that didn't make the cut.
30:18Yeah, but...
30:19That ended up in the bin.
30:21Oh.
30:22Now this mix, we pipe.
30:25Oh, that's a faff.
30:27Oh.
30:28That's a bit of a faff.
30:29Who pipes a sausage roll?
30:31He's lost me.
30:32I was so on board a minute ago.
30:35Directly in the middle.
30:37Then through your hand.
30:38Look at that.
30:40Oh my lord.
30:41Nice looking.
30:42Girthy.
30:43Secrets of the pub kitchen.
30:44That should have remained a secret.
30:46I don't want to see that uncooked.
30:48It looks unnatural.
30:49Egg wash the tops and sprinkle with nigella seeds.
30:53Oh, yeah.
30:54Look at that.
30:55It's all in the details, isn't it?
30:56It's all in the details.
30:57Oh, I do like the look of that.
30:59Come on.
31:00I just need to have blue cheese in it.
31:01Stop.
31:02I've preheated a baking tray so when my tray goes down,
31:05the pastry starts cooking straight away.
31:07Oh.
31:08Oh.
31:09OK.
31:10Exactly.
31:11Because otherwise you get, what?
31:13A soggy bottom.
31:14Soggy bottom.
31:15And no one wants that.
31:16No more soggy bottoms.
31:18I reckon you're halfway to a Michelin star.
31:21I could have written this.
31:23Do you like a soggy bottom, Stephen?
31:24I've been known to get my hands on one occasionally.
31:27Oh, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.
31:28Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.
31:29Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.
31:30Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.
31:31Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.
31:32Yeah.
31:34They look absolutely lush.
31:35Oh, Anton, I could devour ten of those.
31:38Oh, I think Tom sold me.
31:40He sold me there.
31:42you know I'm actually quite keen to go to his pub just to have that sausage roll
31:47that would be a lot simpler than trying to make this at home oh god yeah look at
31:51that on the bottom look oh yes listen that has got a good solid ass to it
31:59there's something borderline attractive attractive arousing now I'm with you yeah
32:04man it does look good I bet it's fucking amazing it does look good it's not your
32:16bollocks off but who's who can be asked and how much how much we charging here
32:22that's good can you imagine ever saying about something that we cooked and eating
32:27it and go god that's good no can you imagine that ever happen no it wouldn't
32:31it just wouldn't no I like my I do make a good salad though I'd eat something
32:36well that's god that's average I think we should have a Tom Kerridge Michelin star
32:43sausage roll cook-off I'll take you show me yours and I'll show you mine I'll show
32:48you my sausage if you show me yours yeah and then we'll get Shirley Ballas to mark
32:53them
33:01you
33:04you
33:05you
33:07you
33:09you
33:11you
33:13you
33:17you
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