- 6/14/2025
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00:00:01Previously on Desperate Housewives
00:00:03The police showed me your rap sheet. You killed a man.
00:00:06Do you want to hear what happened or not?
00:00:07It doesn't matter because I will never believe anything you say ever again.
00:00:11Sometimes unexpected visitors
00:00:13Do you think she's cheating on you?
00:00:14I think so.
00:00:15I'll take care of it.
00:00:16Thank you, Mama.
00:00:17Lead to unexpected consequences.
00:00:19Andrew, you almost killed another human being.
00:00:22She's lived her life. I have my whole life ahead of me and now it might be screwed up.
00:00:30In the coma ward at Sacred Heart Hospital, the dreams begin just after midnight.
00:00:40The pitch black of night gives way to vivid images that comfort the dreamer until the morning.
00:00:47Gus, the custodian, dreams of someday winning the lottery and quitting his thankless job.
00:00:55Howard, the security guard, envisions a luxurious retirement in the tropics.
00:01:05Ruth Ann, the night nurse, fantasizes about leaving her husband.
00:01:12But the most vivid dreams of all belong to the patient in room 312.
00:01:20Yes, Juanita Solis had been dreaming steadily for five months.
00:01:26Sometimes, of the shocking secret she had uncovered.
00:01:32Other times, she dreamt of the accident that had put her in the hospital.
00:01:39But her most common dream was the one in which she finally told her son the truth.
00:01:48I got here.
00:01:50And then one night, Juanita Solis decided it was time to wake up.
00:01:58I got here.
00:01:59I got here.
00:02:00I got here.
00:02:01I got here.
00:02:02I got here.
00:02:03I got here.
00:02:04Hello?
00:02:05Is anybody here?
00:02:07Hello?
00:02:08Hello?
00:02:09I have to call my son.
00:02:13I have to call my son.
00:02:14I have to call my son.
00:02:40I have to call my son.
00:02:50Look at my son.
00:02:52Oh, wait!
00:02:53Even though she knew she was about to die, Juanita didn't care.
00:02:57The truth was finally going to come out.
00:02:59Tell my son his wife is cheating on him.
00:03:03Oh, my God!
00:03:04Sadly for Juanita, this was one dream that would never come true.
00:03:34We all honor heroes for different reasons.
00:03:57Sometimes for their bravery, sometimes for their daring, sometimes for their goodness.
00:04:06But mostly we honor heroes, because at one point or another, we all dream of being rescued.
00:04:19Susan, I know you're in there. We have to talk.
00:04:23This is crazy.
00:04:25I know.
00:04:32Everything the cops said to you is true. I did kill somebody.
00:04:35But there's one thing they didn't tell you. I killed for you, Susan.
00:04:45Susan, if I can't have you, no one else can.
00:04:48Shut up.
00:04:55Susan, the car's here. I know you're in there.
00:05:05I was hoping we could talk for a minute.
00:05:10Susan, maybe you should have waited until I left to do that.
00:05:22Alright, look, I know you don't want to see me right now, but I owe you an explanation.
00:05:26And it's all in there. All of it.
00:05:27Everything you ever wanted to know about my past, about my reasons for doing what I did, it's all there.
00:05:39I don't know about my past, not my past but he didn't know about my past, but he didn't know what I was doing.
00:05:45Hey.
00:05:55Guys, come on.
00:05:56What do you think?
00:05:58Um, you know, just bonding.
00:06:01Just got to think of her in the dance.
00:06:03Hey, seriously.
00:06:04Listen, if you guys were just parked across the street,
00:06:06I couldn't let you go.
00:06:07Why don't you just pretend like we did?
00:06:10Get out of the car.
00:06:13Hey.
00:06:14Hey.
00:06:15Hey, stop the car.
00:06:16Hey.
00:06:17Hey.
00:06:17I can't believe it.
00:06:22Two months from graduation, he gets expelled.
00:06:24You know, we are just lucky that that security guard did not press charges.
00:06:28So what are we going to do?
00:06:30Well, I'm glad that you asked.
00:06:37What are these?
00:06:38They're brochures for youth detention centers.
00:06:42How long have you had these?
00:06:44They've been in the door for a few months.
00:06:46I had a feeling we might be needing them.
00:06:48Bree, I don't know.
00:06:50We have to admit that we need help.
00:06:52If we can't get through to Andrew, then we have to find someone who can.
00:06:55You really want to send our son away to some prison camp?
00:06:58Oh, come on.
00:06:58Don't be so dramatic.
00:06:59I mean, some of these places actually look fun.
00:07:01Look, Camp Hennessy.
00:07:04Camp Hennessy teaches kids respect for authority and boundaries in a summer camp-like atmosphere.
00:07:08The perimeter is surrounded by an electrified fence.
00:07:12Well, you have to admit that's an efficient way to teach respect for boundaries.
00:07:16Okay.
00:07:17How about this one?
00:07:18It's perfect for Andrew.
00:07:19It's a ranch in Montana.
00:07:20It has lots of fresh air and plenty of open spaces and daily classes on anger management.
00:07:25I'm not comfortable with this.
00:07:27All right.
00:07:27How about this one?
00:07:28It's in the desert, and it's very reasonable.
00:07:31Barracks are a little bit bleak, but that recidivism rate is to die for.
00:07:35Brie, I'm not doing it.
00:07:36I'm not sending my son away.
00:07:39It's easy for you, isn't it?
00:07:40You're not the one he's openly rude to.
00:07:42You're not the one he challenges every day.
00:07:45You're not the one he hates.
00:07:47I'll talk to him, all right?
00:07:49I'll sit him down for a little old-fashioned heart-to-heart.
00:07:53You talk to him all you want.
00:07:55I'm going to check out the place with the electrified fence.
00:08:01Listen, my children, and you shall hear
00:08:04of the Midnight Bride of Paul Revere.
00:08:06King the lantern aloft
00:08:08in the belfry arch
00:08:09of the North Church Tower.
00:08:12One if by land, two if by sea,
00:08:14and I on the opposite shore will be.
00:08:21Um, hi.
00:08:23I wanted to introduce myself to your mom.
00:08:25I'm Lynette Scavo.
00:08:26Hi, Lynette.
00:08:27I'm Elizabeth Stephen.
00:08:28Oh, I'm sorry.
00:08:29I thought I...
00:08:30I would help.
00:08:31Oh.
00:08:33But a lot of the time, signing is just easier.
00:08:36I don't like to misunderstand
00:08:36or to be misunderstood.
00:08:39And I'm Lily.
00:08:40Oh, hi.
00:08:41Nice to meet you.
00:08:42Hi, Mom.
00:08:43That's what my friend Matt.
00:08:44My twins talk about Matt all the time.
00:08:46We should set up a play date.
00:08:47That's great.
00:08:48Let's have dinner, too.
00:08:50I'd love to.
00:08:51The British are coming!
00:08:51Get him!
00:08:52Get him!
00:08:52Get him!
00:08:52Get him!
00:08:53Get him!
00:08:53Get him!
00:08:54Get him!
00:08:54Even better, let's just keep it adults.
00:08:57Babe, they blinked.
00:09:00We got him by the shorthairs.
00:09:02Oh, who blinked?
00:09:03The DA.
00:09:04I just spoke with the lawyers.
00:09:06They offered a plea bargain.
00:09:07And that's good?
00:09:08It means they know they got a weak case.
00:09:10They don't think they can win.
00:09:12It's over.
00:09:13Oh, my God!
00:09:15Honey, that means we can keep the house!
00:09:16No, we still have to sell the house.
00:09:18I gotta pay the lawyers.
00:09:20But I thought you said they offered a plea bargain.
00:09:22Yeah, but we're not gonna take that.
00:09:25Put me down.
00:09:25Honey, it would mean me going to jail for eight months.
00:09:30I think that's pretty reasonable, considering you're guilty as sin.
00:09:33You said that you were fine with selling the house.
00:09:34That was before I knew we could trade a couple months in prison to keep it!
00:09:39What?
00:09:40No, this is her daughter-in-law.
00:09:42Is it the hospital?
00:09:44Is it Mama?
00:09:51Uh, thank you.
00:09:53Yes.
00:09:55Gabby?
00:09:57I'm sorry, Carlos.
00:09:58Some believe people are judged by the way they live life, and others by the way they leave it.
00:10:19I like the Lexington mahogany with gold leaf.
00:10:23It comes with a pink velvet interior and drapes.
00:10:25Plus, it's hand-engraved, so in case of a flood or earthquake, I'll at least be able to know which one is hers.
00:10:31Don't you think that's a little over the top?
00:10:33Only the best for my mom.
00:10:35No, honey, these funeral homes make a fortune trying to convince people to overspend.
00:10:39What are you saying?
00:10:40Well, I'm saying your mother was a sensible woman.
00:10:42She wouldn't be comfortable with all these bells and whistles.
00:10:44Maybe this one.
00:10:46It wouldn't have been here.
00:10:49What?
00:10:50You never liked Mama.
00:10:52Well, it's awfully hard to like someone who actively hates your guts.
00:10:55She always thought you married beneath you, and she let me know it.
00:10:58She loved you.
00:10:59She treated me like trash.
00:11:00God rest her soul.
00:11:02I'm putting my mother in the grave.
00:11:04Now is not the time to pinch pennies.
00:11:05Carlos, we're not exactly flush with cash right now.
00:11:08Let her be true to her roots.
00:11:10She was born humble and barefoot.
00:11:14She was a queen.
00:11:20So what did Mike say when he gave you the letter?
00:11:22That it explains everything.
00:11:23Well, does it?
00:11:24I haven't read it.
00:11:25Why the hell not?
00:11:26I just can't.
00:11:27You're a better woman than me.
00:11:28I would have ripped that open with my teeth.
00:11:30Aren't you dying to know what he wrote?
00:11:32Yes.
00:11:33What if it's just a bunch of far-fetched stories?
00:11:35Well, you should assume that it is.
00:11:37Why?
00:11:37Well, think about how good men are at lying on the spot.
00:11:40I mean, God forbid you should give them time and a pen.
00:11:45Hey, Edie.
00:11:46Do you mind stopping by the site later?
00:11:47I have blueprints of the master bath.
00:11:49Oh.
00:11:50I'll see you in a few, Bill.
00:11:57It's my new contractor.
00:11:58We're sort of dating.
00:11:59Didn't you once say you never mix business with pleasure?
00:12:03No.
00:12:04I said never mix pleasure with commitment.
00:12:06Right.
00:12:07So, Susan, what are you going to do with the letter?
00:12:10And for Pete's sake, would you open it up already?
00:12:14No.
00:12:15No, I won't.
00:12:16I don't trust Mike anymore, and without trust...
00:12:19No.
00:12:20No.
00:12:20I'm just going to go in and rip it up and throw it in the trash.
00:12:23Why don't we just rip it up?
00:12:24No, no, no.
00:12:24No, that's okay.
00:12:25I don't want to, you know, litter.
00:12:33She is so opening that letter.
00:12:35While Carlos was making arrangements to bury his mother, Gabrielle was making sure she'd be taking her secret to the grave.
00:12:44Hi, I'm Gabrielle Solis, your nurse.
00:12:48Heisel?
00:12:49Yes.
00:12:49Hi.
00:12:50Um, yes, when you called and said you were coming down, I, uh, collected all the personal things that your husband brought in during Juanita's, uh, stay with us.
00:12:57Well, I assume that that's why you're stopping by.
00:13:01Oh, that's so thoughtful of you, but actually, no.
00:13:05No?
00:13:07No, you see, my husband and I still don't have a clear account as to how Juanita passed.
00:13:13How?
00:13:14Yes, did she die quietly, in her sleep?
00:13:18Um, yeah, that's usually how it happens.
00:13:22I mean, I'm pretty sure that that's how it happens.
00:13:24Pretty sure.
00:13:25I mean, I don't know exactly, because I wasn't with her at that time.
00:13:30Uh-huh.
00:13:31Was anyone with her?
00:13:34An orderly, candy striper, anyone?
00:13:41No.
00:13:42She was alone.
00:13:47Thank you so much.
00:13:48That's all I needed to hear.
00:13:52Oh, Mrs. Solis!
00:13:55Oh, you can just toss that.
00:14:08Great.
00:14:09Just great.
00:14:10Ah.
00:14:11I think this is yours.
00:14:21Yeah.
00:14:22Yeah, I've been looking for this one.
00:14:24Thanks.
00:14:25I don't suppose you have any idea where I found it.
00:14:28Well, those little suckers are drawn to bear-fitting car tires, and since I'm not limping or bleeding,
00:14:35this is only temporary.
00:14:37You're going to need to take this tire in to get it fixed.
00:14:39Thanks, I will.
00:14:40Seriously, it's not safe.
00:14:41You're probably only going to get 20, 30 miles out of it.
00:14:43All right, I promise.
00:14:45Hey, listen.
00:14:46I'm about to break for lunch.
00:14:48How would you like to join me?
00:14:49Lunch?
00:14:50Yeah, lunch.
00:14:53Are you asking me out on a date?
00:14:55That sounds kind of formal for a burrito and a can of soda, but yeah, I guess I am.
00:15:01Aren't you dating Edie?
00:15:02We went out on a date.
00:15:03We're not dating.
00:15:05Oh.
00:15:05So how about it?
00:15:06I'm buying.
00:15:07Yeah, I just got out of this relationship with this guy, Mike, and it's kind of complicated.
00:15:12Anyway, I'm just not even sure where I am right now.
00:15:15Emotionally, I'm just all jumbled up, and I don't think I can leap right into something new.
00:15:18Relationship-wise, you know, at the moment.
00:15:20Again, just a burrito.
00:15:24I'm sorry.
00:15:25Okay, I understand.
00:15:26It sounds like you need a little time to reflect and heal.
00:15:29I do.
00:15:29I really do.
00:15:30Okay.
00:15:31I'll check back with you again tomorrow.
00:15:35This is so delicious.
00:15:38I don't know how you find the time with four kids.
00:15:41Only for first-time guests.
00:15:43Normally, you'd be having chicken fingers and cartoon-shaped macaroni.
00:15:47If that.
00:15:47Hey.
00:15:49Tom, you're an advertising, right?
00:15:52Mm-hmm.
00:15:53I worked five years at Simon & Scott.
00:15:56Well, I started at Simon & Scott.
00:16:00I hated those guys.
00:16:03But we have to talk.
00:16:05Yes.
00:16:06Who do you know that you're right there now?
00:16:09It's all over now.
00:16:09They'll be talking shop for the rest of the night.
00:16:11Alyssa loves talking about Alyssa.
00:16:14Well, Lynette loves talking about Lynette, too.
00:16:17Oh, why don't we love for a second?
00:16:19You and your husband seem pretty solid.
00:16:22We're going through some tough stuff.
00:16:24We're, um, counseling.
00:16:25Yeah, they're nice people.
00:16:27Oh, really?
00:16:28More steak?
00:16:29Sure idea.
00:16:30It's not the most pleasant way to spend an hour.
00:16:33Basically, I look at the clock and she blames me for everything.
00:16:36I don't think we should be talking about Alyssa with her.
00:16:40So.
00:16:42It's okay.
00:16:42It's not like she can hear.
00:16:46Maybe we'll have some more of that potato stuff.
00:16:50He actually said those things with her just sitting right there?
00:16:53It was really nasty.
00:16:55And he wouldn't shut up, either.
00:16:56I can't believe you said we'd play tennis with them.
00:16:59Honey, that was before I knew that he was a jerk.
00:17:01She was great.
00:17:02Look what she taught me.
00:17:06It means I love you.
00:17:07Yeah, that's great.
00:17:08What am I going to do?
00:17:11What do you mean?
00:17:12Well, obviously she needs to be told.
00:17:14No, no, no, no, she doesn't.
00:17:16This is between Dennis and Alyssa.
00:17:17How can I ignore this?
00:17:19And I quote, it's not like she can hear.
00:17:22Lynette, you're starting to ramp up into that whole meddling thing that you do.
00:17:25Excuse me?
00:17:26Let me just handle it.
00:17:27Let's avoid a big thing.
00:17:29Are you saying I can't be tactful?
00:17:31No, if he says something when we play tennis, I will take him aside, man to man, and say that's not cool.
00:17:35Are you saying I'm not tactful?
00:17:45Ow.
00:17:45Ow, ow, ow, ow.
00:17:57Andrew, I need you to take out the trash.
00:18:00Sure.
00:18:01Now, not five hours from now.
00:18:03I'm going, going, God.
00:18:08I'm meeting Justin at the mall tonight, so I'm going to need 40 bucks.
00:18:13No.
00:18:14What?
00:18:15You no longer get an allowance.
00:18:18Fine.
00:18:19I'm not taking out the trash.
00:18:21Andrew?
00:18:22What are you going to do?
00:18:23Torture me?
00:18:24Go ahead.
00:18:25I can take it.
00:18:26What I want, what I have always wanted, is for you to be happy.
00:18:30And you're not.
00:18:31And I have no idea how to help you.
00:18:34Well, you can start by getting out of the way.
00:18:36I will not.
00:18:38We're going to talk about this now.
00:18:39I said get out of the way.
00:18:40The next time you touch your mother like that, I'm going to throw you through this wall.
00:18:49You understand me?
00:18:49You understand me?
00:19:10Oh, Edie, wait up.
00:19:13I want to ask you something.
00:19:15I can't stop.
00:19:16I've got to keep my heart rate up.
00:19:17I was just wondering how you'd feel if I went out with Bill.
00:19:21What?
00:19:22Um, Bill asked me out.
00:19:25Bill?
00:19:25My Bill?
00:19:26Well, see, that's the thing.
00:19:27He doesn't think of himself as your Bill, because he said that date was just a one-time thing.
00:19:32Which I know, because when he asked me out, I told him I thought you guys were involved.
00:19:36So you haven't agreed to go out with him?
00:19:38No, no, I wanted to check with you first.
00:19:41Wow, that's nice of you.
00:19:43So can I?
00:19:45No.
00:19:47Edie?
00:19:47Edie, why can't I go out with him?
00:19:49Because I saw him first.
00:19:53Come on, that's a really third grade thing to say.
00:19:55Look, you asked my permission.
00:19:56I said no, that should be the end of it.
00:19:58Well, you know, technically I don't need your permission.
00:20:03You know, I so much want to like you, but you just won't let me.
00:20:07Edie.
00:20:09Susan, you know, I try.
00:20:10I try to look past your flaws.
00:20:13Your klutziness, that, that faux vulnerability.
00:20:16Your hair.
00:20:18But you look for ways to push my buttons.
00:20:21He just wants to buy me a burrito.
00:20:24Susan, please.
00:20:25Let me like you.
00:20:28Okay.
00:20:29I won't go out with him.
00:20:30I mean, obviously you have feelings for him.
00:20:34No, I don't.
00:20:35I really don't.
00:20:37So what then?
00:20:38If you can't have him, nobody can?
00:20:41See?
00:20:42Now you're thinking like a friend.
00:20:43What a voice.
00:20:57You have to hand it to the Catholics.
00:20:59They do grief better than anyone.
00:21:05So how much that coarsing buggy says back?
00:21:08Do you mind?
00:21:09Being poor?
00:21:10A little.
00:21:12Eyes front, Padre.
00:21:21I can't believe Edie.
00:21:23She doesn't have dibs on every man on the planet.
00:21:25If I want to go out with Bill, I should be able to.
00:21:28I thought you weren't even into him.
00:21:29Well, neither is she.
00:21:31And if she's not into him, why can't I not be into him?
00:21:35I'm going to mourn now.
00:21:36What's going on?
00:21:42Why are we slowing down?
00:21:43Because we're almost there.
00:21:49What is that?
00:21:50The family who owned it couldn't afford the maintenance payment.
00:21:52I got an amazing deal.
00:21:54A crypt?
00:21:55You bought your mother a crypt?
00:21:56Keep quiet.
00:21:57I'm making a scene.
00:21:58Oh, that's it.
00:21:59I can never be a part of this.
00:22:01I can't do it.
00:22:02Gabrielle!
00:22:03Stop acting like a titan.
00:22:10Are we supposed to be following them?
00:22:13I don't know.
00:22:14I mean, maybe it's part of the ritual.
00:22:16Go to hell, Carlos.
00:22:20All right, people.
00:22:21We're going to follow the body.
00:22:22This way, please.
00:22:23Come along.
00:22:26This is too much.
00:22:27The only reason I agreed to give up the house was because I thought I was going to get a gorgeous
00:22:30personal apartment.
00:22:31Now I'm not even going to get that.
00:22:33What do you want me to do?
00:22:34Take the plea.
00:22:36What?
00:22:36Yeah.
00:22:37You did the crime.
00:22:38Why should I have to pay the price?
00:22:39Just suck it up, be a man, and do the time.
00:22:41Gabrielle, you're being ridiculous.
00:22:43Am I?
00:22:44All I want is the same respect that you gave your dead mother.
00:22:47Gabrielle, please.
00:22:47At least she's going to have a roof over her head.
00:22:49Fifteen off.
00:23:04Oh.
00:23:05Was that in?
00:23:08Nice try.
00:23:09God, Alyssa, you're deaf, not blind.
00:23:12It was a close call.
00:23:15That's telling.
00:23:17Wait for my moment.
00:23:18You think her tennis stinks?
00:23:20You should try her cooking.
00:23:24Repeat 30.
00:23:32Sorry.
00:23:34I should have mentioned that my tennis is much better than my cooking.
00:23:42Hey.
00:23:43Hey.
00:23:43That was fun.
00:23:44You played really well.
00:23:46Give me a break.
00:23:47She serves underhand, for God's sake.
00:23:55What's your problem?
00:23:57Excuse me?
00:23:57Hey, do you have any bottled water over there?
00:23:59Because, uh, my electrolytes get all wacky when I sweat.
00:24:04She's your wife.
00:24:05How can you talk about her like that?
00:24:06Let me tell you what St. Alyssa is saying with that phony smile plastered on her face.
00:24:11Move your ass, Dennis.
00:24:13Nice love handles, Dennis.
00:24:15Try switching your deodorant, Dennis.
00:24:16All right, enough.
00:24:17If you've got issues with your wife, tell her out.
00:24:19We're in counseling.
00:24:20Yeah, well, it's not working too well if you have to unload on a perfect stranger, is it?
00:24:23If you're unhappy in your marriage, do something instead of just complaining.
00:24:26Because, frankly, I don't want to hear it.
00:24:27Hey, let's take pentacles.
00:24:31Sure.
00:24:32Great.
00:24:34Thanks.
00:24:35Amen.
00:24:36I'll play with you.
00:24:40Hey.
00:24:40Hey.
00:24:42Hey.
00:24:42You did not take this in.
00:24:44This should hold, but you've got to take it in.
00:24:48I know.
00:24:48I'm going to.
00:24:49It's on the top of my list.
00:24:51Whew.
00:24:52That was hard work.
00:24:55Would you like a glass of water and maybe an excuse to come in and talk to me?
00:24:59That sounds great.
00:25:03So, it's tomorrow.
00:25:06I told you to check back in on that date.
00:25:08Bill, um, I have my reasons.
00:25:13Am I hideous?
00:25:16Oh, God, no.
00:25:17No, you are just so incredibly not hideous.
00:25:23I think.
00:25:24See, now, maybe it's the word date that's throwing me off.
00:25:27Look, I just want to have some fun.
00:25:29You know, dinner, drinks.
00:25:33No strings attached.
00:25:40Okay, I'll go out with you.
00:25:41Great.
00:25:42I know this little place out of the way.
00:25:43You're going to love it.
00:25:44What are you doing?
00:25:52Making an emergency list for you, so you'll know who to call in case the roof leaks or power
00:25:57goes out.
00:25:58Why?
00:25:58I'm taking the plea bargain, so you can keep the house.
00:26:09When I buried my mother, I did it with respect.
00:26:13And I don't regret a single penny.
00:26:15But I'm the one that got us into the position that we're in, and the moment I did, I stopped respecting you.
00:26:21And that's not right.
00:26:26You're so brave.
00:26:31It's not without strings.
00:26:36I need you to promise me that you're going to be here when I get out.
00:26:40Well, that's a ridiculous thing to say.
00:26:41I'm not going anywhere.
00:26:42And I need you to promise me that you'll be faithful while I'm gone.
00:26:46Yeah, of course.
00:26:49Gabrielle, I'm no fool.
00:26:51You're a beautiful woman, and I understand that you have needs.
00:26:55But I'm a very jealous and possessive man.
00:26:59And I need to hear you say it.
00:27:02I promise.
00:27:06Okay, then.
00:27:08Tomorrow morning, we'll go and see the lawyers.
00:27:11I love you.
00:27:19I love you, too.
00:27:21And just so you know, I'm going to hold you to that promise.
00:27:29What's going on?
00:27:39Did Grandma die?
00:27:40Uh, no.
00:27:41She's fine.
00:27:42Listen, Andrew.
00:27:43Sweetheart, it's been clear to us for some time now that you've been unhappy.
00:27:47All this acting out.
00:27:49The hot smoking, the violence.
00:27:51It just isn't you.
00:27:52And we feel that you need to spend some quality time thinking about the goals in your life and what kind of person you want to be.
00:27:59What the hell are you talking about?
00:28:04There's this place called Camp Hennessy.
00:28:06It's designed for teenagers like yourself who have lost their way.
00:28:11You've got to be kidding.
00:28:12They emphasize discipline and responsibility.
00:28:15Two things you're sorely in need of.
00:28:16Hopefully you won't have to be there for more than a few weeks.
00:28:19You can stop this now.
00:28:20I'm not going to any stupid camp for juvenile delinquents.
00:28:26We're ready.
00:28:27Sorry, honey, but you don't have a choice.
00:28:29Get your hands off of me!
00:28:41Andrew, Andrew, it's no use fighting.
00:28:43Now, these gentlemen are going to help you get dressed, and then they're going to drive you to the camp.
00:28:46We can take it from here.
00:28:48Wait, wait!
00:28:49Mom, Mom, wait!
00:28:50Please, I'm sorry, Mom, please!
00:28:51It's going to be okay, I promise.
00:28:55I know this was your idea.
00:28:56Why, you little...
00:28:56Stop it!
00:28:59Honey, no matter what you say or do, I will always love you.
00:29:06Let's go.
00:29:07Come on.
00:29:14What's that for?
00:29:16For being here.
00:29:19For standing by me through this.
00:29:22You don't know what it means to me, Rex.
00:29:24It's been a long time since I felt like I had a real partner.
00:29:31And it really helps, especially on a horrible morning like this.
00:29:34Hey, Alyssa, hey, Lily, how are you guys?
00:29:46May I speak to you, please?
00:29:48Um, sure, boys.
00:29:49Here, stay right there.
00:29:52Yes, Mom.
00:29:55So, how are you?
00:29:56Dennis left me.
00:29:58What?
00:29:58Dennis left me.
00:30:01Why?
00:30:02You told him to you, Mom.
00:30:04I'm sorry, what?
00:30:05I'm talking to my husband about my mom.
00:30:06And none of the business.
00:30:07Ah, stop.
00:30:08I can't understand you.
00:30:09You're going to have to talk slower.
00:30:12Grr.
00:30:12Dennis said you yelled at him for saying stuff behind my back.
00:30:28Well, yeah.
00:30:30And he said you told him our counseling wasn't working.
00:30:34Yes, that's not exactly what I...
00:30:36Where the hell do you come off telling people to stop going to counseling?
00:30:40I didn't mean that you...
00:30:41Sure, we have our share of problems.
00:30:44Financial, emotional, sexual.
00:30:48But we were solving them.
00:30:51Alyssa, come here.
00:30:56Are you sure you want to be saying these things in front of your daughter?
00:31:02Now you're telling me how to raise my daughter?
00:31:06Lily, we're coming back.
00:31:07Alyssa, I am so sorry if I caused a problem.
00:31:13I just wanted to help.
00:31:15Why?
00:31:16Why do I help?
00:31:17Well, because of...
00:31:19Oh, because of that?
00:31:20No, because your husband was being a total jerk.
00:31:23And you just got to come in on your white horse and come to the rescue.
00:31:30Well, guess what?
00:31:31I didn't need to be rescued.
00:31:33Got that?
00:31:34I didn't need to be rescued.
00:31:35I didn't need to be rescued.
00:31:42Bitch!
00:31:44Uh, she said...
00:31:46Yes, thank you.
00:31:47I know what she just said.
00:31:48I mean, one minute we're making out in his truck, and the next thing I know, we're at the hospital, and the doctor's digging a bullet out of him.
00:31:58It's just that when I started dating Mike, he seemed like such a normal guy, you know?
00:32:02They always do.
00:32:04You want to get some nachos?
00:32:05I mean, obviously, I am not going to read the letter.
00:32:07At some point, you just got to let it go, right?
00:32:10Right.
00:32:11You mind if we leave off the jalapenos?
00:32:12I'm not so good with spicy things.
00:32:14I don't mean to be babbling, it's just really complicated, and there is so much about Mike, you don't even know.
00:32:20That would surprise me at this point.
00:32:26Edie.
00:32:26Your foreman said that you were out on a date with a hottie.
00:32:29Evidently, someone's in need of LASIK.
00:32:31You tracked us down?
00:32:33Oh, well, it wasn't hard.
00:32:35I just followed the stench of betrayal.
00:32:38We had an agreement, Susan.
00:32:39No, we didn't.
00:32:40You know, I just said what you wanted to hear because you guilted me into it.
00:32:43I was trying to protect our already fragile friendship.
00:32:47Am I in the middle of something here?
00:32:48Not anymore.
00:32:49You, I will hate forever.
00:32:52And you are fired.
00:32:55Edie!
00:32:56You're firing me because I'm going out with Susan?
00:32:58Yes.
00:32:59And before you start whining that dating her is punishment enough,
00:33:03say this.
00:33:03I suppose I could tell that you threw yourself at me.
00:33:14You were lonely, you begged to have dinner, and I took pity on you.
00:33:17Well, excuse me, but that kind of makes it sound like it was my fault.
00:33:21You can't possibly blame me.
00:33:23I'm not the one who fired you.
00:33:24Right.
00:33:25You just chose not to tell me that Edie would be insanely mad if I went out with you.
00:33:29Slow down, you're driving too fast.
00:33:30You know, this is between you and Edie.
00:33:32I just got sucked into the drama.
00:33:34Yeah, I bet you tell yourself that all the time.
00:33:36What does that mean?
00:33:37You didn't get sucked into the drama.
00:33:39You invited it in.
00:33:40That's not true.
00:33:41You spent the last hour obsessing over your ex-boyfriend,
00:33:44even though he's a sketchy ex-con who very possibly strangled your neighbor.
00:33:48Well, no, he didn't.
00:33:49And Edie told you not to go out with me, but did you listen?
00:33:52No, because you saw the potential for disaster,
00:33:54and you just couldn't resist getting in there.
00:33:56Okay, mister, let's just have fun,
00:33:58because I'm the charming casual contractor man.
00:34:00You chased me, so own it, my friend.
00:34:03Ah!
00:34:03Ah!
00:34:04Ah!
00:34:06Yes!
00:34:10Ah!
00:34:19You didn't get that tire fixed, did you?
00:34:23I was meaning to.
00:34:27I guess I do invite the drama in.
00:34:30Just a little.
00:34:39Tom, am I a bad person?
00:34:46No.
00:34:46Why would you say that?
00:34:48I don't know.
00:34:49I guess I just have it in my head
00:34:51that only bad people break up marriages
00:34:53and offend the handicapped.
00:34:55I did try to warn you.
00:34:57You did?
00:34:59Why do I do it?
00:35:01This compulsion to stick my nose where it doesn't belong.
00:35:05I mean, you were just looking out for your friend.
00:35:08Yeah, a lot of good at dinner.
00:35:10At least you tried.
00:35:12I admire you for that.
00:35:13Oh, please.
00:35:14Hey, you know, I'm the guy who let Dennis badmouth his wife
00:35:18because I was afraid of making a scene.
00:35:19But you, you knew it was wrong, and you let him have it.
00:35:22That's me.
00:35:23Never afraid to create a scene.
00:35:26Hey, honey, look.
00:35:27My point is that you have a strong sense of what is right,
00:35:30and you're not afraid to act on it.
00:35:33And I admire you for that.
00:35:35You know what I admire you for?
00:35:37You find a way to compliment me
00:35:41when you could say, I told you so.
00:35:52You just signed, I told you so, didn't you?
00:35:55You'll never prove it.
00:36:01Thanks for coming in, Mrs. Solis.
00:36:03I believe you've met Nurse Heisel?
00:36:05Yes.
00:36:05Hello, again.
00:36:09Nurse Heisel became quite attached to your mother-in-law.
00:36:12That's why I asked her to be here for this.
00:36:14First of all, I want you to understand
00:36:16that we consider our commitment to our patients a sacred trust.
00:36:23Okay.
00:36:24Having said that, it appears there may,
00:36:27and I stress may, have been a breakdown in our chain of care.
00:36:31I can assure you that we hold our staff
00:36:34to the highest standards in the industry.
00:36:36But we are only human, after all.
00:36:41Honey, are you okay?
00:36:44Nurse Heisel, why don't you step out?
00:36:46I'm so sorry.
00:36:48Uh-huh.
00:36:55We all share in your grief.
00:36:59Apparently.
00:37:00And we're hoping to alleviate any further pain
00:37:03your family may suffer
00:37:05by offering some...
00:37:08monetary compensation.
00:37:09...provided you and your husband
00:37:12waive any future right to litigation, of course.
00:37:16Monetary compensation.
00:37:19You're trying to buy us off?
00:37:21Let's not get tangled up in legalese.
00:37:24We like to think of it as an extension of our caring.
00:37:27Mr. Hartley, I have a hypothetical legal question for you.
00:37:41I like to play the lottery, and I...
00:37:44Yes, I know what the odds are,
00:37:46but I just love those scratch-offs.
00:37:49Say I were to win, I don't know,
00:37:52a million, six hundred thousand dollars.
00:37:56Would the government be able to take it,
00:37:58like they took everything else?
00:38:04That's what I thought.
00:38:05The bastards.
00:38:08So, what if we won the lottery
00:38:11after Carlos went to jail?
00:38:12Could the government touch money then?
00:38:14Hypothetically.
00:38:16I see.
00:38:19And we could keep the house.
00:38:22Oh, no, I'm just at the grocery store,
00:38:29wondering if I should buy a ticket.
00:38:31Thanks a bunch, Mr. Hartley.
00:38:33So, what time should I bring Carlos
00:38:35to the DA's office tomorrow?
00:38:38Great.
00:38:45We all honor heroes for different reasons.
00:38:48Sometimes for their daring.
00:38:52Sometimes for their bravery.
00:39:03Sometimes for their goodness.
00:39:06I love you.
00:39:08But mostly, we honor heroes.
00:39:18Because at one point or another,
00:39:21we all dream of being rescued.
00:39:24Of course,
00:39:32if the right hero doesn't come along,
00:39:36sometimes
00:39:37we just have to rescue
00:39:39ourselves.
00:39:40Previously on Desperate Housewives.
00:39:47Is anybody here?
00:39:48It appears there may have been a breakdown
00:39:49in our chain of care.
00:39:51You're trying to buy us off?
00:39:52Sometimes if you're not careful.
00:39:53There's this place called Camp Hennessy.
00:39:56I'm not going to any stupid camp
00:39:57for juvenile delinquents.
00:39:58You don't have a choice.
00:39:59Past mistakes.
00:40:01We pulled it out of Rockwater Lake.
00:40:02I must have sold several hundred of these
00:40:04just like it.
00:40:05Yeah, I have a list of customers' names on file.
00:40:07We'll come back to haunt you.
00:40:09I won't tell anyone.
00:40:10I'll keep your secret.
00:40:11Dad.
00:40:11There were many things
00:40:16Gabrielle Solis knew for certain.
00:40:20She knew red was her color.
00:40:25She knew diamonds went with everything.
00:40:28And she knew men were all the same.
00:40:34But the one thing Gabrielle knew above all else,
00:40:38she would never want children.
00:40:46Unfortunately for Gabrielle,
00:40:49her husband Carlos felt differently.
00:41:05I'm so lucky to have you.
00:41:08Okay, I'll bite.
00:41:11Why are you so lucky?
00:41:13Because
00:41:14we don't want to have kids and you do.
00:41:18Oh, that.
00:41:20Most men won't leave over something like that.
00:41:24And you're still here.
00:41:26I'm grateful.
00:41:28I know the sacrifice you're making.
00:41:30There's still a little part of me
00:41:32that's hoping to change your mind.
00:41:34Once you had a baby,
00:41:36I think that you would love it so much that...
00:41:38Honey, it's not going to happen.
00:41:41You never know.
00:41:42No, sometimes you do.
00:41:44Well, it is a sacrifice.
00:41:49But you're worth it.
00:41:50Yes, Gabrielle Solis knew without a doubt
00:41:59she didn't want to be a mother.
00:42:01But what she couldn't know was
00:42:03just how much her husband wanted to be a father.
00:42:06Or that he'd been tampering with her birth control for months.
00:42:10Or that within one week's time,
00:42:16she'd be pregnant.
00:42:20Yeah.
00:42:21Do you guys want to be a buddy?
00:42:22Oh, yeah.
00:42:22Yeah.
00:42:23What she wants,
00:42:23whatever she needs to be in her life in...
00:42:40Oh, yeah.
00:42:40Saturdays on Wisteria Lane belong to the children.
00:43:06And while most would spend the day practicing their sports,
00:43:11and riding their bikes,
00:43:15and jumping their ropes,
00:43:19others were no longer engaged in child's play.
00:43:22Indeed, some children were being forced to grow up very quickly.
00:43:27Sorry to bother you on the weekend. We just have a few questions for you.
00:43:30About what?
00:43:32Twelve years ago, your late wife purchased a toy chest.
00:43:36Toy chest?
00:43:36Yeah, it was about this big. It had little dancing bears on it.
00:43:43Gosh, I'm sorry.
00:43:45The craftsman who makes these chests keeps a list of customers.
00:43:49Apparently, you purchased one in August 1992.
00:43:52Yeah, we'd like to know where that chest is now.
00:43:56Wow, I wish I could help you. I don't recall any toy chest.
00:44:00I remember.
00:44:02Yeah, it had little bears and bloons on it, right?
00:44:05Yes, son, that's right.
00:44:07Yeah, we threw that chest away when I was little.
00:44:08I was standing on it and it just busted.
00:44:11Remember, Don?
00:44:12Vaguely.
00:44:13I guess that's all, then.
00:44:19Thank you both for your time.
00:44:22Hey, what's the deal with this chest, anyway?
00:44:25One just like you had washed up on Torch Lake.
00:44:28It had a woman in it.
00:44:29A woman?
00:44:33She was all chopped up.
00:44:34Obviously, we need to talk.
00:44:52You lied to him.
00:44:53You said that it was a man in the box.
00:44:55No, I didn't lie.
00:44:56Well, the policeman said that it was a woman's body.
00:44:58Of course you were lying.
00:44:59I told you a private detective had come to take you away from us.
00:45:01I never said it was a man.
00:45:04You didn't?
00:45:05No.
00:45:06Well, I thought that I...
00:45:07No.
00:45:08No, stop.
00:45:08Please, I stop.
00:45:09I know that you're lying to me, okay?
00:45:12I know that you're lying.
00:45:13For the last time, someone came and tried to take you away from us.
00:45:16Yes, a woman.
00:45:18A woman came.
00:45:19Yes, she tried to steal you.
00:45:20From the only family that you've ever really known.
00:45:23And we couldn't let that happen.
00:45:25And we didn't.
00:45:27And that is the truth.
00:45:34We can't cancel now.
00:45:38It's two days away.
00:45:38Rex, I'm not going.
00:45:39That's all there is to it.
00:45:41Counseling is part of the treatment at Camp Hennessy.
00:45:43You knew that.
00:45:43Nowhere in that brochure did it say that we were expected to attend.
00:45:46Well, what's Andrew going to think if you don't show up?
00:45:48Well, I am making him this care package.
00:45:50I mean, he'll know that I'm thinking about him.
00:45:53Why are you putting in lemon squares?
00:45:54They told us not to send him sweets.
00:45:56Well, I don't understand why.
00:45:57I guess they feel baked goods from Mom undercut the boot camp experience.
00:46:01Fine.
00:46:02I won't send them, but I think it's a stupid rule.
00:46:04So, are you going to this thing or not?
00:46:06No.
00:46:06Why?
00:46:07Because the minute I get there, Andrew will start attacking me for abandoning him.
00:46:12And I don't want to hear it.
00:46:13There's no reason to feel guilty, you know.
00:46:15You did everything you could for him.
00:46:18I don't feel guilty.
00:46:23Okay.
00:46:27Please, Christy, there's no way that I can get another babysitter this late in the day.
00:46:43Parker, knock it off.
00:46:44No.
00:46:45Because I'm having drinks with friends I used to work with and they never call.
00:46:49And if I blow them off, that's it.
00:46:51I'll just, I'm dead to them.
00:46:53No, I can't call Patty Banks.
00:46:57Because she steals things.
00:46:59Damn it, Christy, you're 13 years old.
00:47:01You've got a lot of trips to the mall ahead of you.
00:47:03Okay.
00:47:04Okay.
00:47:05I'm sorry.
00:47:05I'm sorry I raised my voice.
00:47:07I'm calm.
00:47:08So, I'm starting to think that this is about money.
00:47:11So, what is it that will make it worth your while?
00:47:14A hundred?
00:47:15Well, that's extortion.
00:47:16There's no way in hell that I'm going to...
00:47:17Hello?
00:47:19Hello?
00:47:22Parker, I swear I will spank you.
00:47:24Knock it off.
00:47:25Hello?
00:47:25Hello?
00:47:26Hi, Mrs. Binks.
00:47:29Is Patty there?
00:47:33Hi, honey.
00:47:34I'm back.
00:47:37Hey, sweetie.
00:47:38This is Mr. Steinberg, the attorney from the hospital.
00:47:41Oh, have we met?
00:47:42Yes, Mrs. Solis.
00:47:44We've met.
00:47:45Don't you remember?
00:47:46It was after my ma died.
00:47:47Apparently, the hospital was negligent and agreed to a seven-figure settlement check.
00:47:53A check I was never told about.
00:47:57Oh, that.
00:48:01I...
00:48:01Mr. Steinberg.
00:48:04I was just leaving.
00:48:18What were you thinking?
00:48:19Wait, just let me explain.
00:48:20No, why the hell didn't you tell me?
00:48:21Because I couldn't trust you to make the right decision.
00:48:23Yeah, the right decision was to use that money for my lawyers.
00:48:26We could have fought the indictment, and then I would have had to take a plea bargain.
00:48:29If you didn't take the plea deal, the government would have seized the settlement.
00:48:31Oh, we could have fought that in court.
00:48:33Exactly, and then you would have blown all the money on the lawyers.
00:48:35Who cares?
00:48:37If there was a chance that I didn't have to go to jail.
00:48:39You had Laotian convicts sewing casual wear for two cents an hour.
00:48:42Don't you think you deserve a time out?
00:48:44Eight months.
00:48:46Thanks to you, I'm going away for eight months.
00:48:48And when you get out, we're going to have money to start over with.
00:48:51Thanks to me.
00:48:55You know, once you calm down, you're going to realize I did the right thing.
00:48:59And when that happens, I'd appreciate an apology.
00:49:17Grandma's here.
00:49:18Now that is just perfect.
00:49:31Stay put.
00:49:35I am so sorry.
00:49:37Hey, Mom.
00:49:39Oh, hey, Susie.
00:49:41I goofed.
00:49:42What happened?
00:49:43Oh, you know me.
00:49:44No depth perception whatsoever.
00:49:47I'm stunned they even issued me a license.
00:49:49So you're Susan's mom.
00:49:51Yeah.
00:49:53I'm Sophie Grammer.
00:49:54And you are?
00:49:55Mike Delfino.
00:49:57Oh!
00:49:58You're Mike?
00:50:00Oh, my God!
00:50:01But Susan's told me so much about you.
00:50:04Oh, don't just stand there.
00:50:05Give me a hug.
00:50:06Mom, uh, Mike and I aren't together anymore.
00:50:15Oh, sorry.
00:50:19I guess I just made this pretty awkward, huh?
00:50:21Yeah, you really did.
00:50:24So let's just call the insurance company.
00:50:26Okay.
00:50:27Well, it's nice meeting you anyway, Mike.
00:50:31You too.
00:50:32And I never would have guessed that you're Susan's mom.
00:50:34I know.
00:50:35I look too young.
00:50:36I got pregnant when I was a tiny teenager.
00:50:39Okay.
00:50:40It was the first time I got drunk.
00:50:41Ever.
00:50:42Can you believe it?
00:50:43Let's go.
00:50:43Her father was a Marine.
00:50:45Afterwards, he gave me three of his medals.
00:50:48Mom!
00:50:49What?
00:50:50Let's just go inside and call the insurance company.
00:50:53All right.
00:51:03What are you smiling about?
00:51:04I used to have all these questions about how you got to be the way you are.
00:51:10They were all just answered.
00:51:11I'm so excited.
00:51:13Hi.
00:51:25Hi.
00:51:33Hi.
00:51:33Hi.
00:51:36Hi.
00:51:36Hi.
00:51:36What's going on?
00:51:39Oh, um, my babysitter canceled.
00:51:43Oh, Lynette, I'm so swamped today.
00:51:45My house is a mess, and I've got millions of errands to run, so...
00:51:49Please hear me out. This is important.
00:51:51Today, I have a chance to rejoin the human race for a few hours.
00:51:54There are actual adults waiting for me with margaritas.
00:51:57Look, I'm in a dress I have makeup on.
00:52:00If it were any other...
00:52:01Oh, for God's sakes, Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose.
00:52:06Bring him in.
00:52:07Thank you, thank you.
00:52:09Okay, in you go.
00:52:10And then the police showed me his mugshot.
00:52:12No.
00:52:13Yes, Mike served time for selling drugs and manslaughter.
00:52:17I can't believe it.
00:52:18Well, it's true.
00:52:19He has such nice manners, you know?
00:52:22I know.
00:52:23Susie, I don't want you worrying too much about this Mike thing.
00:52:29The right man will come along.
00:52:32Just give it time.
00:52:33I think I would have given up entirely if it weren't for you and Morty.
00:52:36Morty?
00:52:39Yeah, you know.
00:52:40It's the third time around for both of you and you're really clicking.
00:52:44Ugh.
00:52:44Gives me hope.
00:52:49What's wrong?
00:52:50Nothing.
00:52:50Nothing.
00:52:51Um, I'm just...
00:52:53I'm, uh, tired.
00:52:54You're not tired.
00:52:55You took a nap.
00:52:55What is it?
00:52:56I left Morty.
00:53:01What?
00:53:02Why?
00:53:02Because he shoved me.
00:53:05Morty?
00:53:05No.
00:53:06You think I'm lying?
00:53:07Oh, fine.
00:53:09Why would he shove you?
00:53:10Because I confronted him.
00:53:12About how much time he's spending at that damn pancake restaurant.
00:53:15If that's where he's really been.
00:53:17Oh, you can't be serious.
00:53:19Morty?
00:53:19You think men his age don't have needs?
00:53:22You should see the waitresses he hires.
00:53:24Every year, they get younger and younger.
00:53:26Well, maybe you just feel that way because every year you get older and older.
00:53:29Well, that's a horrible thing to say.
00:53:31I'm sorry.
00:53:32I'm not that old.
00:53:33I said I was sorry.
00:53:35People think we're sisters.
00:53:37Well, that's because you tell them that.
00:53:39One time.
00:53:41You've got to let go of that.
00:53:42Okay, look.
00:53:43I am just saying that I don't think Morty cheated on you.
00:53:47Well, he did shove me.
00:53:49The least you can do is be supportive.
00:53:51You're right.
00:53:52You're right.
00:53:54He also threw a book at me.
00:53:56Oh, come on.
00:53:57I mean, he shouldn't have done that.
00:54:17Porter, honey, those cookies are hot.
00:54:19Just wait a few minutes and then I'll give you one when they're cool, okay?
00:54:21Um, you know, pictures are prettier if you color inside the lines.
00:54:31Ah, well, art is subjective.
00:54:36Porter, what did I tell you?
00:54:38But I'm hungry.
00:54:39Well, then I will fix you a very nice bowl of peaches and cottage cheese.
00:54:44Ew, barf.
00:54:44Don't be common, young man.
00:54:46Now, come on.
00:54:47If you play around with those cookies one more time, I'm going to have to spank you.
00:54:51We don't get spanked.
00:54:52Really?
00:54:53Mommy always says she's good, but she never does.
00:54:56Well, I am not your mommy.
00:54:58And if you misbehave in my house, you will get spanked.
00:55:02So be good.
00:55:03It was an accident.
00:55:23Porter, I warned you.
00:55:24I'm sorry.
00:55:25I'll be good.
00:55:26Those cookies were made from scratch.
00:55:30Your fate is sealed.
00:55:31Come here.
00:55:34No, no.
00:55:36Ow!
00:55:37Ow!
00:55:38Ow!
00:55:39Ow!
00:55:39Ow!
00:55:42What's that?
00:55:44It's called a post-nuptial agreement.
00:55:48It's a legal document that...
00:55:49No, I know what a post-nup is.
00:55:51What is it doing on my coffee table?
00:55:53Well, I can forgive that stunt you pulled with a settlement check.
00:55:56If I'm sure that you'll really be around when I get out of jail.
00:56:00Hmm.
00:56:01And the post-up changes the terms of the prenup.
00:56:04So...
00:56:05So if you try and divorce me while I'm gone, you get nothing.
00:56:10You don't trust me?
00:56:12Afraid not.
00:56:13Well, that's too bad.
00:56:15Because I'm not signing that piece of paper.
00:56:16You're a very beautiful woman, Gabrielle.
00:56:21But you're not very bright.
00:56:26See, if you don't sign it, I'll pull the plug on the settlement agreement, divorce you, and then you get what amounts to about 50% of our current savings, which is basically nothing.
00:56:37So what do you expect to happen right now, Carlos?
00:56:44Sign the paper and jump right back into your arms?
00:56:47It doesn't mean that I don't love you.
00:56:49You know, I think you're the perfect woman.
00:56:51Oh, but I'm not.
00:56:58I have flaws.
00:57:02Flaws?
00:57:03Mm-hmm.
00:57:04I'll even give you an example.
00:57:05Remember the time when you were in jail and you told me about your secret compartment?
00:57:09And you told me to burn the papers that I found in there?
00:57:13Well, me being pretty and therefore stupid, I forgot.
00:57:19You didn't burn the papers.
00:57:21Worse.
00:57:22I read them.
00:57:24Okay.
00:57:24You have some nerve talking to me about trust when you have a secret bank account in the Cayman Islands.
00:57:29That was a safety net for both of us.
00:57:31I'll bet.
00:57:32Have you told anyone else about this?
00:57:34No, but I could.
00:57:36Hey, isn't that why the prosecution didn't have a case against you?
00:57:38They couldn't find the profits you made.
00:57:41So if I were you, Carlos, I wouldn't mention the words divorce, trust, post-nup ever again.
00:57:48You don't want to piss me off.
00:57:57I know, baby.
00:57:59It hurts to lose.
00:58:00Auntie up.
00:58:09Well, look at me.
00:58:12Finally in on one of your legendary poker parties.
00:58:15Susan's always telling me how much fun you girls have.
00:58:18The rules are simple.
00:58:19We play for cash.
00:58:20The dealer picks the game.
00:58:21And unsubstantiated gossip is encouraged.
00:58:24Brie, thanks again for watching, my boys.
00:58:27You sure they weren't too much to handle?
00:58:28Oh, no.
00:58:28We had a wonderful time.
00:58:30Although I think Porter had a little less fun.
00:58:32Okay, I'll bet.
00:58:34So, Sophie, Susan says you guys are going to the spa tomorrow.
00:58:37Is that an all-day thing?
00:58:38What do you mean, Porter had less fun?
00:58:40I'll raise.
00:58:41Well, he was misbehaving, so I had to punish him.
00:58:43So, yes.
00:58:44Susan is treating me to an entire day of beauty.
00:58:47So when you say punishment, what exactly are we talking about?
00:58:49Oh, I had to spank him.
00:58:51Okay, I will re-raise.
00:58:54You spanked my son?
00:59:00Last brise spa.
00:59:02Yep, that's where we're going.
00:59:06Lynette, is there a problem?
00:59:08Tom and I don't believe in having our kids.
00:59:09I thought you knew that.
00:59:10Sorry, I didn't know.
00:59:13It won't happen again.
00:59:14Of course, I'm somewhat surprised you don't spank them.
00:59:18I mean, everybody knows they're a little bit out of control.
00:59:25Wow, I'm just dragging today.
00:59:26Should we put on another pot of coffee?
00:59:28Yeah, I'll do it.
00:59:31Oh, I'll fold.
00:59:33You know, you're right, Brie.
00:59:35I've got a lot to learn about parenting.
00:59:37And I feel so blessed to be getting sage advice from such an impeccable mother like you.
00:59:41I mean, your kids turned out perfect, as long as you don't count Andrew.
00:59:44Where is he again, hmm?
00:59:46Some kind of a boot camp for juvenile delinquents?
00:59:50Okay, girls.
00:59:52I never said I was perfect.
00:59:53Oh, honey, nobody's blaming you.
00:59:55The hell I'm not.
00:59:56Lynette.
01:00:04If you will excuse me.
01:00:10Lynette, will you go after her?
01:00:11She spanked my son.
01:00:13Not apologizing.
01:00:20Usually poker is more fun than this.
01:00:24So help me, if you don't back me up on this, I will lose it.
01:00:27Yes, Brie shouldn't have spanked Porter, but it's not like she hurt him.
01:00:31That is not the point.
01:00:33You don't spank other people's children.
01:00:35He was misbehaving.
01:00:36She had to do something.
01:00:38But make no mistake, she definitely crossed the line.
01:00:41Yeah, you're damn right she did.
01:00:42She could have tried something else, like a timeout, or she could have simply threatened to spank him.
01:00:47Yeah, because that works out so well when we do it.
01:00:50It does work.
01:00:51It does work most of the time.
01:00:53It used to work.
01:00:54They figured out that it's an empty threat.
01:00:56They're on to us.
01:00:57My mom used to beat the hell out of my sisters and me, and I won't do it.
01:01:05I will not become my mother.
01:01:11Fine.
01:01:13But the boys are getting older and smarter.
01:01:16And eventually, believe me, eventually they're going to figure out that they outnumber us.
01:01:20And then...
01:01:21We're screwed.
01:01:21Excuse me, Zachary.
01:01:40Would you mind helping me with these bags?
01:01:42There's some banana bread in it for you, if you do.
01:01:45Uh, yeah, sure.
01:01:47This is really good, Mrs. Tillman.
01:01:52Thanks a lot.
01:01:53You're welcome, Zachary.
01:01:54Yeah, I've never actually been in Mrs. Hooper's house before.
01:01:57Obviously, you haven't missed much.
01:01:59This is the place where good taste goes to die.
01:02:07So, I heard you and your father arguing the other day.
01:02:10Everything all right at home?
01:02:12Yeah.
01:02:13I just have problems sometimes.
01:02:15I bet you'll miss your mother.
01:02:19I'm sure things were different when she was alive.
01:02:24Such a warm, loving woman.
01:02:30You...
01:02:31You're my mother.
01:02:34Yep.
01:02:35Years ago in Utah.
01:02:36We worked together.
01:02:39I didn't know that.
01:02:40It's true.
01:02:41In fact...
01:02:44I'll tell you a secret.
01:02:48I once met you when you were a little baby.
01:02:53Really?
01:02:54Mm-hmm.
01:02:57Your mother loved you so much, Zachary.
01:03:01Of all the things I remember, I remember that the most.
01:03:19You want to know what else I remember?
01:03:22How lovely your original name was.
01:03:34Dana?
01:03:34Dana?
01:03:35Isn't this nice?
01:03:49Oh, just the two of us girls hanging out.
01:03:52Getting pretty.
01:03:54Aw, thank you.
01:03:56My pleasure.
01:03:57So, I was thinking maybe you should call Morty.
01:04:02You know, get started working things out?
01:04:07Why would I want to work things out with a man who abuses me?
01:04:11Oh, you don't have to gasp.
01:04:12My mother exaggerates.
01:04:13She won't be happy till I have bruises.
01:04:15Okay, um, can we just focus?
01:04:18What I want to know is, have you thought about what's going to happen if you don't go back to Morty?
01:04:21What do you mean?
01:04:25Well, you don't have a place to live.
01:04:27You don't like to work.
01:04:28I mean, you didn't want to marry Morty, so he doesn't have to pay you alimony.
01:04:31It's just, if you don't go back to this man who allegedly shoved you once in five years,
01:04:37what are your options?
01:04:40I thought I could live with you.
01:04:41What?
01:04:42Oh, God, are you all right?
01:04:45You did me!
01:04:45Oh, I'm so sorry.
01:04:46I was startled.
01:04:47Here, here, here.
01:04:47Leave me for that.
01:04:49I'm not saying permanently.
01:04:50Just for a couple of years.
01:04:51You broke my nose.
01:04:53No, no, it's just banged a little.
01:04:54Till I get back on my feet.
01:04:55Mom, can we talk about this later?
01:04:57Should we call 911?
01:04:59No, just a nosebleed.
01:05:00She's fine.
01:05:00I thought you'd be excited by the idea.
01:05:02It's not that I'm not excited.
01:05:04I'm not stupid, Susan.
01:05:07It's obvious you don't want me here.
01:05:10No, that's not true.
01:05:11Mom, don't go.
01:05:12Mom, come back.
01:05:14You know, I need to...
01:05:16We're good, right?
01:05:18Just go.
01:05:18I don't know.
01:05:21Mom, come back.
01:05:23Mom.
01:05:54Why aren't you dressed yet?
01:06:07I wanted to wear Andrew's favorite color, and then I realized that...
01:06:11I don't know what it is.
01:06:15Oh, honey, I think the fact that you decided to come at all will make him happy.
01:06:19Yours is blue.
01:06:21Tanya loves pink.
01:06:24And I have no idea what my own son's favorite color is.
01:06:27I'm telling you, it doesn't matter.
01:06:29How can you say that it doesn't matter? Of course it matters.
01:06:31Bree.
01:06:32That is what makes a good mother.
01:06:34Someone who knows their child inside and out so that if they get in trouble, they know what to do.
01:06:40I don't know him well enough.
01:06:43You are a good mother.
01:06:55Brown or green, I just don't know.
01:07:02I'm going to wait in the car.
01:07:05Whenever you're ready.
01:07:05Green.
01:07:14Green.
01:07:15I'll go with the green.
01:07:16Everybody loves green.
01:07:17I told you, I'm not signing this.
01:07:41Oh, I think you are.
01:07:43Because if you don't, I will divorce you.
01:07:48Then I'll go to the police.
01:07:51And tell them what?
01:07:53There's a secret bank account in the Cayman Islands that no longer exists?
01:07:58You move the money?
01:07:59Of course I move the money.
01:08:04Well, that was risky. I mean, the feds are watching you right now.
01:08:07I had to do something.
01:08:10I couldn't just let you make a fool out of me.
01:08:17Stop! Stop! Carlos, stop it!
01:08:23Put me down!
01:08:24Okay.
01:08:24Put me down!
01:08:26Let me go!
01:08:29Stop! You're hurting me, Carlos!
01:08:31Sign it.
01:08:38Sign it!
01:08:47I know, baby.
01:08:52It hurts to lose.
01:08:54Shh.
01:08:56Shh, shh.
01:08:59Shh, shh.
01:09:12Shh, shh.
01:09:15Mr. and Ms. Vandekamp?
01:09:24Uh, yes. Is it our turn?
01:09:27Well, sort of. Andrew's waiting inside, but...
01:09:30What's wrong?
01:09:32Well, he said he won't go forward with the session if his mother's involved.
01:09:36He only wants to talk to his dad.
01:09:39We drove 200 miles to be here today. This is unacceptable.
01:09:42I share your frustration.
01:09:45All right, to hell with him, then. We're going home.
01:09:47No, I am not going to let him insult you like this.
01:09:50He blames me for his being here. He blames me for everything.
01:09:54And he's probably right.
01:09:55Any mistakes made were made by both of us.
01:09:59One of us should go talk to him, see how he is. I'm okay.
01:10:04Are you sure?
01:10:06Yeah, fine.
01:10:10Right this way.
01:10:15I'm coming. What is it? Why aren't you guys brushing your teeth?
01:10:43Parker, what happened?
01:10:47Parker pushed me and it fell in.
01:10:49He pushed me first. Can I flush it?
01:10:51No, no. I'll fish it out later, all right?
01:10:53You're off the hook for tonight, but not you two, so start brushing.
01:10:59Preston, did you not hear me? I said start brushing your teeth.
01:11:03What are you doing?
01:11:04Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it.
01:11:09Preston, don't listen to them. Back away from the toilet and no one gets hurt.
01:11:13Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it.
01:11:15I mean it this time. These are not just words.
01:11:18Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it.
01:11:19If you do this, so help me.
01:11:23Hearing the hollowness of her own voice,
01:11:25Lynette realized that it was time to get one step ahead.
01:11:29Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it.
01:11:31I will walk you over to Mrs. Vandekampson.
01:11:33We all know what happens when she gets mad.
01:11:39Now, go brush your teeth and I want them to sparkle.
01:11:43Go on.
01:11:46Sorry you had to bring your kid back.
01:11:48What happened this time?
01:11:50Well, a couple months back I caught Tug going through my purse.
01:11:53Oh, I hate when they do that.
01:11:56Was he looking for weed or money?
01:11:58Oh, who knows at this point.
01:12:00Anyway, I knocked the couple back and things got heated.
01:12:04Pretty soon we're both screaming and throwing stuff around the apartment.
01:12:08Next thing you know, a lady upstairs calls the cops on us.
01:12:10Oh, give me a break.
01:12:15So, now I got some social worker trying to tell me how to raise my boy.
01:12:20Kids.
01:12:21Boy, if I knew them when I know now,
01:12:23I would have had that hysterectomy 20 years ago.
01:12:28Uh, Reed.
01:12:37Don't get up.
01:12:38I'll be quick.
01:12:39Andrew, all any parent can do is try to provide their child with the tools to succeed in life.
01:12:45Education, love, a good, clean, safe home.
01:12:48Well, I have given you those things and I am through feeling guilty.
01:12:51So, if you want to piss your life away and blame it on how horrible things are at home, you go ahead.
01:12:55But I want it stated for the record that I am a good mother.
01:12:58Do you hear me?
01:12:58I am a good mother.
01:13:03Bree.
01:13:06Andrew just told me he thinks he might be gay.
01:13:11What?
01:13:11That's why he wanted me to come in first.
01:13:15He thought I could take it better.
01:13:23Well, he was right.
01:13:24I will be waiting in the car.
01:13:26Mrs. Solis, what are you doing here?
01:13:41Okay.
01:13:42Are your roommates here?
01:13:43No.
01:13:45You okay?
01:13:46Yeah.
01:13:48What's this?
01:13:49That, uh, Carlos just got a little rough.
01:13:53Maybe he signed some papers.
01:13:54He hurt you?
01:13:54John, what are you doing?
01:14:00I'm going to take care of this.
01:14:01No, you're not going to do anything.
01:14:02No, we're not going to let him get away with this.
01:14:03Look, you really want to get back at him and kiss me?
01:14:06How's that going to help?
01:14:07Because one day when the time is right, I'm going to tell him how he drove me right into your arms.
01:14:13And that's going to kill him.
01:14:19And tonight, just whatever you do, don't call me beautiful.
01:14:24Oh, Morty, look who's here.
01:14:38Hey, Millie, hi.
01:14:39Hey.
01:14:40Susie, what brings you here?
01:14:42Mom.
01:14:43She brought her over.
01:14:44What's she doing out there?
01:14:49She says she won't come in until you go out and apologize to her.
01:14:52For what?
01:14:54For shoving her.
01:14:56Well, I only shoved her because she wouldn't stop hitting me.
01:14:59Why was she hitting you?
01:15:01I threw a book at her.
01:15:03Morty?
01:15:04It was a paperback.
01:15:05Well, even so...
01:15:06At least I missed.
01:15:08I mean, she hit me square in the gut.
01:15:11You want to see the bruise?
01:15:12That's okay.
01:15:13That's okay.
01:15:15It really hurt.
01:15:17Yeah, I understand.
01:15:19So, could you just go out and apologize?
01:15:24No.
01:15:25Why?
01:15:26Because I don't want her back.
01:15:28Morty!
01:15:29Look, I'd love her, but the pancake shack is just starting to take off.
01:15:34And we're talking about opening another one.
01:15:36I mean, that's practically a chain.
01:15:38I don't have time for her hysterics.
01:15:41Yeah, I sympathize.
01:15:42I really do.
01:15:43But you have to take her back.
01:15:45Why?
01:15:46Because she wants to move in with me.
01:15:49Oh.
01:15:50Morty, I'd like to have a relationship again.
01:15:52And at my age, with a kid, I mean, if she moves into my house, even for a couple of years, I'm doomed.
01:15:57Wasn't there a plumber?
01:15:58Your mother said you were in love with a plumber.
01:16:00I am.
01:16:01I mean, I was.
01:16:03It didn't work out.
01:16:05I'm sorry.
01:16:07If she moves in, she will burn up all my oxygen, and I need it.
01:16:11Please, can't you give her another chance?
01:16:14You guys are really good together.
01:16:16You know?
01:16:16When there's no violence.
01:16:19Well, we do have chemistry.
01:16:22Absolutely.
01:16:23And, you know, the sex was like, wow.
01:16:27I mean, there was this one time we were coming home on the interstate.
01:16:30You don't have to sell me.
01:16:31No.
01:16:31Just go talk to her.
01:16:34Now.
01:16:38Okay.
01:16:39That was a mighty big sigh.
01:16:51I just keep thinking it's coming, Millie, and I can't stop it.
01:16:54What's that?
01:16:55The day my mother will need to move in with me, and I won't have a choice.
01:16:58Mm-hmm.
01:16:59I know it's years away.
01:17:00She's youthful and vibrant.
01:17:02Thank God.
01:17:04Time flies.
01:17:06One day she won't be able to take care of herself anymore, and I'll have to step up.
01:17:09I suppose that's true.
01:17:12I think it's nature's little joke that children ultimately end up parenting their parents.
01:17:18No.
01:17:18When that day comes, I'll be ready.
01:17:20Honey, you better get out there.
01:17:21Honey, you better get out there.
01:17:51Hey.
01:17:59Hey.
01:18:03Look, I just wanted to apologize.
01:18:06Lynette, don't.
01:18:10The fact that you just crossed that street means the world to me.
01:18:13And if anyone here should apologize, it's me.
01:18:17Looks like Tom's got the mob under control.
01:18:26You want to have some coffee?
01:18:27Sit around, bitch about our kids.
01:18:31I would love to, okay?
01:18:39Children come into the world with their own agendas.
01:18:44Some to brighten our days.
01:18:47Some to test our patients.
01:18:54Some to give us purpose.
01:19:02Some to take care of us.
01:19:08Yes, when they come, children change everything.
01:19:17Especially when they're not invited.
01:19:25You know what?
01:19:26I didn't ради them.
01:19:27I didn't take care of us.
01:19:28I didn't use the gun.
01:19:30I didn't use the gun.
01:19:31I couldn't do that.
01:19:32If I needed the gun, I guess.
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