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PeopleTranscript
00:00This was a mistake!
00:05Shut up!
00:06Button?
00:15You're mad.
00:17Wow.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:35Hello, everybody!
00:37I'm Greg Davis. Welcome to Taskmaster.
00:39So far, the competition has seen the steely determination
00:42of British Blitz spirit.
00:44And whilst I must be respectful and not do too many wartime analogies
00:48when discussing a light entertainment show,
00:50there are some similarities.
00:52We've seen resilience, determination,
00:54steadfast strength in the face of adversity
00:57and, crucially, a brash American sweep in
00:59and try and take all the glory.
01:02Let's hope he leaves without getting loads of our women pregnant
01:05after buying them nylons.
01:08Let's get on and begin the next round of the competition
01:11and meet our mighty five once more.
01:13They are...
01:14..Fatiyah Al Gorey!
01:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:17Jason Mandzukas!
01:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:19Matthew Bainter!
01:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:21Rosie Ramsey!
01:23And Stevie Martin!
01:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:27And next to me, a man who told me that when you're a busy father,
01:31work-life balance can be tricky, but he's developed a technique
01:35on the nights that he's in charge of the kids.
01:37And I quote him,
01:38I stick them in front of an iPad
01:40and I spark up a fat one.
01:42LAUGHTER
01:43Li-li-li-li-hi!
01:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:46A lot of viewers' questions asking what's different about me this series,
01:53so they've all spotted something.
01:54And it is true, the shoes have had an update,
01:57so I thought I'd talk you through the latest assistant shoe.
02:01Of course, it does now have an indicator for...
02:05..you know, if you're walking down the corridor.
02:07Which way? I'm going right, so the right foot will go on.
02:09It does have pockets.
02:10Yes, it does have pockets, well, I've noticed.
02:12So if you want to keep your raisins somewhere...
02:15LAUGHTER
02:16..and if that's not enough, the shoe's on now fully edible.
02:19LAUGHTER
02:22Thank you for an actual answer to some of the questions.
02:24I'm putting them back on now. Yeah.
02:26That's my bit done. Yeah.
02:27Yeah, that's it.
02:28Well, except I'm now covered in edible shoes, so...
02:31LAUGHTER
02:32OK, prize task.
02:33Yes, it's time, so get ready.
02:35Close your eyes.
02:36Hold on to your seats.
02:38This is the one we've been waiting for.
02:41It's going to change lives.
02:43It might change the planet!
02:45It is!
02:46The biggest anticlimax.
02:48LAUGHTER
02:49Greg will give big points for the thing which,
02:52conversely, has disappointed the most.
02:54It's just such a quirky show.
02:55The end. Your turn.
02:56LAUGHTER
02:58Genuinely quite funny.
02:59OK.
03:00LAUGHTER
03:01Fatihah.
03:02Yes.
03:03What are you saying?
03:04So the thing I brought in is a bag of crisps.
03:06You know the family pack, the big one?
03:08And the reason why you buy them is because you want lots...
03:11You want extra crisps.
03:12If I wanted one bag of crisps, like the little one,
03:14I would have brought that in it.
03:16This is the bag she's brought.
03:17From the outside, this was the inside.
03:19Oh!
03:20Oh!
03:21I hadn't even eaten it yet.
03:22Do you know what I did?
03:23I called trading standards.
03:24LAUGHTER
03:25And I said, the shop's got kids working in the basement.
03:28That's what I did.
03:29Yeah.
03:30Sorry, Fatihah.
03:31So you didn't ring up trading standards and say,
03:33I'm disappointed by the amount of crisps.
03:35No.
03:36You said, the shop's got children working in the basement.
03:39LAUGHTER
03:40It's a perfectly good start.
03:42I think that sounds like five points, Fatihah.
03:44Ooh, no.
03:45Unless these four have really messed up.
03:48LAUGHTER
03:49Rosie.
03:50To me, the biggest anti-climax is your wedding day.
03:54Is Rosie's.
03:55This is what the winner gets.
03:56My wedding day.
03:57LAUGHTER
03:58This is fake!
04:00Erm...
04:01He looks like he's died and you've stopped it!
04:04LAUGHTER
04:05You look forward to your wedding day so much,
04:07it costs an absolute fortune,
04:09and I remember sitting there and just looking at everyone,
04:11not finishing their dinner and thinking,
04:13I've paid 80 quid for that.
04:14LAUGHTER
04:15I just found it a huge anti-climax.
04:17Anti-climax.
04:18And you've illustrated it beautifully with that picture.
04:20And that's the only...
04:21With that picture of a drunk car salesman.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:25That's incredible.
04:26Yeah.
04:27Stevie.
04:28So, you know those, like, display boxes that you get?
04:30Here it is.
04:31And then I had it for ages, and I was like,
04:33oh, they're always quite...
04:34Like, what do you put in it?
04:35Like, they're always quite anti-climactic,
04:37and I couldn't remember what I'd actually got in it.
04:39So then, in the moment, I opened it,
04:41and this is genuinely what was inside it.
04:43Here we go.
04:44LAUGHTER
04:46That could be a number for a safe.
04:48It could be my PIN number.
04:49No.
04:50LAUGHTER
04:52Is that your PIN number?
04:53No.
04:54LAUGHTER
04:56But I feel like it's really difficult to know what to put in those boxes.
04:58It's not big enough for jewellery.
04:59Like, what could you ever do that would justify the beautiful,
05:02ornate woodwork?
05:04LAUGHTER
05:06LAUGHTER
05:07I'm getting two on, I again...
05:09LAUGHTER
05:10I love that you presume it's not one.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:12APPLAUSE
05:13Chris!
05:14Thank you so much for bringing a box of tat in.
05:17LAUGHTER
05:18You're so welcome.
05:19LAUGHTER
05:20Right, I think you'll agree I've put quite a lot of effort
05:24into these prize tasks so far.
05:27I have, actually.
05:28OK, and this one I've really gone to town.
05:31LAUGHTER
05:32So, do you know what a Rube Goldberg machine is?
05:35I don't know.
05:36I've done, actually.
05:37I don't know.
05:38So, like, a tennis ball goes down a drain pipe,
05:40it turns on a leaf blower, leaf blower blows...
05:42Yeah.
05:43..the washing round the line.
05:45Built one of these in my garden at great effort.
05:49For this show?
05:50For this prize.
05:51Oh, God.
05:52It is meant to end with a single-ignition multi-shot firework.
05:58LAUGHTER
05:59This looks absolutely spectacular.
06:01If it goes off, I invited some people round to film their reaction.
06:06They don't know what we know, which is that the thing
06:09is not going to go off.
06:11Here we go, this is what happened.
06:12Shall we take a look?
06:13Let's have a look.
06:14And here we go.
06:15I didn't do any of that.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:19That is a work of art, young man.
06:32I wonder if that will beat your bag of crisps?
06:35LAUGHTER
06:37Jason.
06:38I think what I've brought is self-explanatory,
06:40so why don't, Alex, if you don't mind, just hit it?
06:43Here is Jason's Anticlimax.
06:45A vision of power.
07:02It's truly haunted.
07:05It's evil.
07:06It's my face.
07:07Did you do it yourself?
07:09Yeah.
07:10I grabbed one of those, printed out your face,
07:12stretched it, glued it, that's what I got.
07:15And the lips work.
07:17What, as in what, do you mean?
07:18They're kissable.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:21OK.
07:22We're starting with the most climactic...
07:24I suppose the least anticlimactic.
07:26Oh.
07:27Don't.
07:28OK.
07:29Because the box is so ornate,
07:31I would be most disappointed by that random collection of shit
07:34and the horrible hair, so it's going to be crisp.
07:36So it's one to Fatia, two to Stevie.
07:38Then we flip to Jason because, although I'm loathe to admit it,
07:42there is a very small part of me that feels affection towards you,
07:45so I can't say it was totally anticlimactic.
07:48Wow!
07:49So I'm going to give three points to that.
07:50Three to Jason.
07:51It's very difficult to put your actual wedding day not in the top slot,
07:55but I think we have to acknowledge that Matthew really did
07:57a number one over this.
07:58But I spent 25 grand, and he did not enjoy it.
08:00LAUGHTER
08:01Four points to Rosie, five points to Matthew.
08:04There we go.
08:05Well then, Matthew, thank you.
08:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:07Well done.
08:08Well done.
08:09Well done.
08:10Well done.
08:11Right, what have we got first, please?
08:13We are off to a beautiful location swarming with monsters.
08:16Ooh!
08:17MUSIC PLAYS
08:33Hello.
08:34Hi.
08:35Rosie.
08:36Hello.
08:37Welcome.
08:38Welcome.
08:39Nice to be here.
08:40Is it?
08:41LAUGHTER
08:43OK, I can see Morse code.
08:45I don't know shit about Morse code.
08:47Right.
08:48I just know it goes beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
08:51LAUGHTER
08:52Five boxes with codes on them.
08:54It reminds me of the hotel safe things
08:56that I always have to get the receptionist to come up
08:58and break into, cos I forgot my own birthday.
09:01LAUGHTER
09:03What is in the one yellow box?
09:06You may only give one answer.
09:09All the information is in the task.
09:12Fastest to give the correct answer wins.
09:18OK.
09:19You all right?
09:20Yeah, I've just seen these lads.
09:22What's that then?
09:24Some sort of creatures.
09:30LAUGHTER
09:31Oh.
09:32Your time starts now.
09:34Right.
09:36OK.
09:37So there's things happening over there.
09:39Bear reading pornographic magazine.
09:43Sugargoth magazine?
09:45Bear's a straight perv.
09:48APPLAUSE
09:49Stevie, you're the only person I've ever known
09:58who's used one of those safes in a hotel.
10:00In the hotel I'm currently at, they had to come in and break into it.
10:03Three...
10:04..on Friday.
10:05I'm just surprised you've got stuff to lock up, cos I've seen
10:07inside your jewellery box.
10:08LAUGHTER
10:10Right, shall we start his first?
10:12Yes, please, Greg.
10:13We're going to start with the logical ladies, Rosie and Stevie.
10:18They've got a paddle of some description.
10:20Are they doing mass cord to me?
10:22Oh, they've gone!
10:25Oh!
10:26Oh, my God, there's some sort of bird.
10:27He's just doing his arms.
10:29I think they're wings.
10:30Wings, sorry.
10:31OK, one, two...
10:34..one, two...
10:36..three...
10:39OK, two, three, two, three, I'm doing.
10:44It's a compass.
10:46Is that a dinosaur?
10:48It's a monster.
10:49Oh, he's doing the flags.
10:51Oh, this is, like, an eye test.
10:54Four, seven, nine.
10:56OK.
10:57Are most cords back?
10:58Dash.
10:59Dash.
11:00Dot.
11:01Dot.
11:02Dot.
11:03Dot.
11:04So that's an eight and a five.
11:05Oh, well, that's two numbers, then.
11:06Eight, five, eight, five.
11:11A picture!
11:13Oh, it's a puzzle!
11:14This is not...
11:15This is just question marks.
11:16I don't think this means anything.
11:17Oh, it's...
11:18It's our friend from yonder.
11:20Do you know any of the numbers?
11:21Four, seven, nine.
11:23What's that bear doing there?
11:26Oh, Jesus.
11:27What the hell's going on over there?
11:29OK.
11:30Hello.
11:32What are you reading?
11:33Date, two, five, one, two.
11:37I'm gonna take it.
11:39OK, bye.
11:40Have a lovely afternoon.
11:43The date of the magazine.
11:45Hangman!
11:46I forgot how it would be hangman.
11:48Is this meant to be this difficult?
11:50Um...
11:51Right.
11:52Um...
11:53Uh...
11:54Monster.
11:58Bear.
12:00Alligator.
12:02Monster.
12:04Crawl.
12:05Task.
12:07I've seen all of these things,
12:08so I've looked at all of the clues.
12:10Mmm.
12:11No.
12:12OK.
12:13It's like a magic eye.
12:16No!
12:19There's the...
12:20There's the gaps.
12:21There's gaps.
12:22One, one, two.
12:23One, one, two.
12:24Force.
12:26Wow.
12:28Four, four, nine, four.
12:30What's that?
12:31They all have numbers on them.
12:32Am I meant to know more stuff in this?
12:35That's five numbers.
12:36OK.
12:37So what's the relevance of the four, seven, nine, then?
12:40Oh, this is seven.
12:43Could be four, four, seven, nine, four.
12:45Let's try this one.
12:47Seven, nine, four.
12:51Ah!
12:56It's a fish?
12:57I've stopped the clock.
12:58OK.
12:59What the fuck?
13:01Well, it all seemed fairly logical to me, what they were doing.
13:07The only two things that stood out were Rosie wishing a bear
13:10a lovely afternoon.
13:12And, um, did you genuinely think it was a magic eye?
13:15I thought it was worth a shot.
13:18It wasn't.
13:20There were lots of different ways of solving it,
13:22and they used all of those ways, I suppose.
13:25Rosie, 16 minutes, 28.
13:27Stevie, 25.
13:30Still, a lovely day out.
13:32And now, as my auntie said when she caught my uncle in bed
13:36with his bowling partner, Duncan, it's time for a break.
13:51Hello, everyone.
13:53Great to have you all back.
13:54It is great to have you all back.
13:56And honestly, I don't even mind the knobheads.
13:58Task-wise, the rivals are trying to find out the contents
14:02of the yellow box in the quickest time.
14:04Two undeniably observant gentlemen now.
14:06It is Jason and Matt.
14:09Let's just...
14:10Before we do that...
14:12What's that all about?
14:1344,794.
14:1644,794.
14:19No, I guess not.
14:23All right.
14:24Oh, wait.
14:25There's a new one.
14:26There's a green bag.
14:27I wish I'd paid better attention in Boy Scouts.
14:29Is anyone doing...
14:31Is it semaphore?
14:32I want to say semaphore.
14:35Bloody hell.
14:37U.
14:38Side to side is N?
14:41D.
14:42E.
14:43That's R.
14:45Is it under?
14:46Crow.
14:48Task.
14:49Okay.
14:51Oh, now the crow's going?
14:52Jesus Christ Crow.
14:54Man fishing.
14:55Now, let's be honest.
14:57Is the man fishing part of the show?
14:59Now they've turned their back.
15:01And they've got something written on their back,
15:03but I can't see it.
15:04Oh, the fisherman's leaving everybody.
15:06Fisherman's obviously creeped out by what's going on.
15:09Right, I'm just gonna go and see what's on their back.
15:17Oh, it's numbers, but I can't read them.
15:19I can't read them.
15:24Watch out for these fuckers.
15:26They're no good.
15:28Four, seven, nine.
15:31Four, seven, nine.
15:32This was a mistake!
15:38Four, seven, nine.
15:41Why don't you go under on the way out and over on the way back?
15:44Don't distract me.
15:47Four, seven, ninety-four.
15:54Hmm.
15:55Under four, seven, nine.
15:57So I'm still clueless.
16:02Should I just do that?
16:03Four, four, seven, nine, four.
16:10Imagine if it is just that.
16:15God damn it.
16:18They're fish.
16:19Fish, yes.
16:22What is in the yellow box...
16:25What is in the yellow box...
16:29...is this.
16:31Right, okay, I'll stop the class.
16:32I suppose you're right.
16:33God damn it, it was there the whole god damn time.
16:38Go to hell!
16:40I think we both felt some sense of rage having run around and then realised it was there all along.
16:52Yeah, a little bit.
16:53And the worst was I was so excited to talk to the fisherman and he kept moving further and further away.
16:59Of course he did!
17:00So I had to chase the man just to talk to him who did not want to be talked to.
17:06He did find the fish before you, so there's something for him.
17:11I got sympathy from a couple of young girls on a park bench and that was a low point for me.
17:16Well, they applauded you because they thought you were a marathon runner.
17:19LAUGHTER
17:22Right, who's next?
17:24Finally, let's find out if Fatia found the fish.
17:27Here we go.
17:29Okay, we've got one, two, three, four, five.
17:32We've got colours.
17:34There's also that thing there that says,
17:35in loving memory of monster.
17:3844,794.
17:40Let's try this.
17:45It's a fist.
17:47Off the top of the clock?
17:48Can I go now?
17:49You can go now.
17:58I've absolutely got it.
18:01I thought, this is going to send this woman over the edge, this task.
18:05There's no way she's going to be chasing crows across a bridge.
18:08Hell no.
18:09No.
18:12Four other times.
18:13Yeah, Stevie, you were the slowest with your 25 minutes, obviously.
18:16Jason, just behind you though, 19 minutes 15, so you get the two points.
18:20Rosie was slower than Matt.
18:21You were 16 minutes 28.
18:23Matt, you were 12 minutes 46.
18:24Fatia, 38 seconds and five points.
18:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:34Right.
18:35I need a scoreboard update, please.
18:37Rosie's in second with seven.
18:38Matt's in the lead with nine points.
18:43OK.
18:45What's next, baby boy?
18:47Well, I've only got into it recently, but now I have it all the time.
18:50It's so satisfying, it makes me feel on top of the world.
18:52I just love it.
18:53Yes, I'm talking about yoghurt.
19:06Hiya.
19:07Hello.
19:08How's it going?
19:09Good, thank you.
19:10Yeah?
19:12What's this?
19:14How are you?
19:15Yes, good.
19:16Feeling great today.
19:17Hello.
19:18Rosie.
19:19Hiya.
19:21You're back.
19:22Yeah.
19:26Ooh, look at this.
19:27It's a special task.
19:28And actually, before you open the task, I need you to write a word in that little window.
19:33You've got to either write the word most or least.
19:36Oh.
19:37Have you got a pen?
19:38Well, I provided you with a pen.
19:44Where is it?
19:45On your way in, I gave it to you.
19:46No, you didn't.
19:47No, you didn't.
19:48No, you didn't.
19:49I'm sure I did.
19:51Are you coming here?
19:52Yeah, yeah.
19:57You're taking the mic, yeah?
19:59No.
20:00It's incredible what the brain does.
20:12I've watched so many people sort of lose their sense of humour on this show and I've always
20:16wondered why.
20:18And now I get it.
20:20Get hotter.
20:21Hotter.
20:22Here?
20:23I see that marker.
20:24Yeah.
20:25Good.
20:26I'm just letting you know that I know the marker is there.
20:42OK, I'm going to glass half most.
20:46Glass half most?
20:48Most.
20:49Oh, eat this yoghurt with the most...
20:55With the most...
20:56With the most dignity.
20:58There it is.
20:59OK.
21:00Eat this yoghurt with the least dignity.
21:04Most extreme eating wins.
21:06Most extreme?
21:07Yes, extreme dignity, please.
21:10You have 30 minutes.
21:12Your time starts now.
21:15Could you Google dignity?
21:16Oh.
21:17Do you know what I mean?
21:18I know exactly what you mean.
21:19What does it mean?
21:20The song by Deacon Blue.
21:23OK.
21:29I mean, it was genuinely fascinating that none of you saw that pen, right?
21:32I think when you walk into that room, you just kind of, like, zone, in the zone.
21:37It's amazing what the brain does.
21:38It is amazing what the brain does.
21:40One of many quotes to go into the Taskmaster Book of Quotes.
21:44That next to...
21:45Glass half most.
21:47LAUGHTER
21:49No surprise that you had your own pen with you.
21:52Increasingly...
21:54Alex...
21:56Well, this is...
21:58This man's basically a doomsday prepper.
22:00LAUGHTER
22:01He's got everything with him to survive.
22:03Oh, no.
22:04There you go. What's that?
22:05Swiss Army knife with a flare slade iron.
22:06Why would you bring that onto a TV show?
22:10Terrifying.
22:11All right.
22:12Dignity.
22:13Four of them chose Most Dignity, just the one with the least.
22:16We're going to start with the Most Dignity, Stevie and Jason.
22:19MUSIC PLAYS
22:45It was delicious.
23:06I owned so much land.
23:15And how do you think that represents dignity, just so I can score this?
23:36I'm going to be honest, when I spilled the yogurt on my hand, I was like, I'm fucked.
23:41I'm not trying to get points now, I'm just on my secondary mission, which is always ongoing, destroy, dismantle, engulf in flames.
23:50Oh, my God.
23:51Very much an American foreign policy, isn't it?
23:58A little bit of politics.
24:01Yours was very dignified, I thought.
24:03And I've written something down that may or may not offend you.
24:06I wrote, I haven't realised until now what a Downton Abbey face you have.
24:12That's so catchy.
24:14Yeah.
24:15Yeah.
24:16I actually...
24:17Alan and he went, you look really nice.
24:19I thought she looked lovely.
24:20Like a pound coin.
24:21I didn't say she didn't look like a pound coin.
24:23Just...
24:24LAUGHTER
24:26But from the side it was just like very posh.
24:28It was like, stop, stop your hands!
24:30LAUGHTER
24:32Anyway, posh.
24:34Mad.
24:35LAUGHTER
24:36Well, even more dignity now with Fatia and Rosie.
24:41Eating a yoghurt the most dignified way.
24:43You, at the end, I'd like you to pick your nose, stir it in your yoghurt and then lick it off.
24:47I'd like you to put some yoghurt in your mouth and then I'd like you to kind of squirt it out of your mouth.
24:51Like, eat yoghurt really as fast as you can.
24:53But also at the same time, if you don't mind, shaking your bussings.
25:00You are the most dignified yoghurt eater who has ever been on Taskmaster.
25:06Your eyes...
25:08Your eyes are like the dark depths of desire.
25:11Your trainers wasting ground with elegance and heavenly delight.
25:18Your smell seduces our nostrils like moths to a flame.
25:24LAUGHTER
25:28LAUGHTER
25:30Dignity.
25:47Who has the dignity in your piece?
25:49Me.
25:50You.
25:51Yeah.
25:52No, I just wondered if this was a clever satirical point you were making about the workers who lack the social graces, but...
26:06Nope, OK, cool.
26:07LAUGHTER
26:09Posh woman in a big blouse eating it nicely, everyone else eating it badly, yeah?
26:12Yes, or something diva.
26:14LAUGHTER
26:16Um, now, you.
26:20What's your definition of dignity?
26:23Elegance.
26:25Poise.
26:27Posh twat.
26:30I just want to make sure that we both have the same understanding of dignity.
26:34Yeah.
26:35Cos it just seems to me some yoghurt gobbling horny woman.
26:38LAUGHTER
26:41One of the lines was...
26:42I was wearing gloves. Who wears gloves?
26:44LAUGHTER
26:47Her smell seduces people's nostrils.
26:49Because my smell is seductive, dickhead.
26:52LAUGHTER
26:54LAUGHTER
26:55Yeah!
26:56Yes!
26:57Yes!
26:58Yes!
26:59Yes!
27:00Yes!
27:01Do you like...
27:02Did you like it?
27:03My definition of dignified, was that good or not?
27:05LAUGHTER
27:07And now it's time for an advert.
27:09LAUGHTER
27:11Hello!
27:12Welcome back to the start of part three.
27:25Dignity in yoghurts, Alex.
27:26Yes, indeed.
27:27And that's a little in-joke for me and Greg,
27:29as dignity in yoghurts is also Greg's safe word.
27:31LAUGHTER
27:32And now...
27:33It always has been.
27:34Now for the only competitor who settled for less,
27:37consuming his yoghurt with the least dignity,
27:39yes, it's Matt.
27:41LAUGHTER
27:42LAUGHTER
27:55Please forgive me, Daddy.
28:25I've got your shoes all mucky.
28:32That sort of thing?
28:44Yeah, lovely.
28:46Very nice.
28:47All right, see you later.
28:52Incredible.
28:54The standout line for me I've written down and I thought I'd get you to read it out.
29:00Please forgive me, Daddy, I've got your shoes all mucky.
29:04There aren't the points in the world that can have made that worthwhile
29:10for the cost it's going to have at the school gates for a dog.
29:17Whereas I think I'll get new respect from my children.
29:20Really?
29:21I think I'll get a little bit of a dog I've ever had.
29:23Yeah.
29:24You said Daddy, what did you say Daddy for?
29:27Do you get on where you're dead?
29:29That's where you're at.
29:31Good question.
29:33You're looking for the most extreme eating, so it might be most dignified
29:36or least dignified, whichever is the most extreme of those two ways.
29:39Obviously, Jason's getting one point.
29:41There was absolutely no dignity whatsoever in smashing up our set again.
29:46One point.
29:47One point for Jason.
29:48Well done.
29:49I do feel there needs to be a jump up then.
29:51I'm going to group Stevie and Rosie together because they went down
29:55a class-based dignity, so I think it's a three-pointer.
29:58It feels fair.
29:59And this is going to surprise you because I do think there was some
30:02dignity in that weird woman.
30:04She was very much in control.
30:06She was very comfortable in her own skin.
30:08So is she getting five points?
30:10Four points.
30:11Four points.
30:12Obviously, if a man is prepared to humiliate himself in such a profound way,
30:16to be that undignified, how can I not give him five points?
30:21There we go.
30:22Five to Matt Benton.
30:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:29I've got the task piece of lyrics.
30:31OK, well, if you like gardens, water, choices, an assault course,
30:35buckets and bunting, then you'll enjoy this.
30:38Also, we should really hook up.
30:40LAUGHTER
30:53Am I a worm?
30:58You think I'm going to go through that?
31:00You lost your mind.
31:01Do I look like Lassie?
31:02LAUGHTER
31:07That's what they do, isn't it?
31:09I've never seen anyone do it that well.
31:12LAUGHTER
31:13Oof.
31:14Put at least six litres of water in the vase.
31:17I'm assuming this is the vase?
31:18No, that's the vase.
31:19OK, so where's the vase?
31:21LAUGHTER
31:22Ah.
31:23You must either use bucket A and root A,
31:27or bucket B and root B.
31:31These are routes?
31:32No, these are routes.
31:34LAUGHTER
31:36If you choose A,
31:38you must complete one of the tasks at every obstacle.
31:42If you choose B, you must trot throughout.
31:47You know I hate trotting!
31:49I do.
31:50What am I, a horse?
31:52LAUGHTER
31:53You must stay within the arena at all times.
31:56The arena is the lawn.
31:58I must never touch the vase.
32:00Fastest wins.
32:02You have 30 seconds to pick your bucket,
32:04and that time has just started.
32:06OK, so I'm going to pick bucket A.
32:09I feel like that's red herring.
32:11I'm going to do A.
32:13I'm going with A.
32:15Oh, no!
32:16I don't know!
32:17What's trotting this?
32:18Yeah, you've got 12 seconds to decide.
32:20Can I do B?
32:21B it is.
32:22Right, we're off.
32:23I'm going to trot.
32:24OK, we're going option B.
32:26Go for it.
32:27APPLAUSE
32:28Well, Fatih, why are you so cross?
32:33Because he wants me to trot like a horse.
32:35What the hell, man?
32:36Straight away, you're like, who am I?
32:37Lassie or a horse?
32:39LAUGHTER
32:40I do think I asked what trotting was,
32:42because we do not say trot.
32:43Do you not?
32:44No, I think with skipping.
32:45Is it?
32:46What about on a horse?
32:47Oh, I guess you...
32:49LAUGHTER
32:50You know, the horse, when you do that, the horse.
32:53LAUGHTER
32:54Fatih didn't join in that, cos she's not a horse.
32:57No, she's not fucking lassie either, bruv.
33:00LAUGHTER
33:01Who are we going to start with?
33:02First up, it's Matt and Stevie.
33:05I bet those buckets have got holes in or something, haven't they?
33:08Yeah, they've got holes in them.
33:10All right.
33:14How is that not working?
33:16LAUGHTER
33:19Keep doing what you're doing.
33:23LAUGHTER
33:32Take a big, deep breath and persist.
33:34LAUGHTER
33:43Carry on.
33:44Oh, I should have got water from the...
33:47LAUGHTER
33:51There's only one way.
33:52This is the only way.
33:53OK.
33:54This is the way.
33:55Yeah.
33:56This is the way.
33:57LAUGHTER
33:59Make a puddle on the path.
34:00Using all the water in your bucket.
34:02LAUGHTER
34:07Continue the obstacle course!
34:08I'm going to hold it with my head.
34:10Turn your pocket upside down onto the path right now.
34:11LAUGHTER
34:12LAUGHTER
34:13Can I go get in it and just come back?
34:14LAUGHTER
34:15Yeah, you're here again, though.
34:16You probably need to do one of those tasks.
34:17Pop all the water out of your bucket and out of the arena.
34:22LAUGHTER
34:23Hope you're having a nice time!
34:26LAUGHTER
34:27LAUGHTER
34:28Ooh!
34:29Ooh!
34:30Carry on!
34:31Immediately empty your bucket outside the arena.
34:33Why did you ignore the carry-on one?
34:34Oh!
34:35Oh!
34:36Could have just continued?
34:37Oh, yay!
34:38It's too late now, because I opened the other one.
34:39Yeah.
34:40Shhh!
34:41Shhh!
34:42Shhh!
34:43Shhh!
34:44Shhh!
34:45Shhh!
34:46Shhh!
34:47Shhh!
34:48Shhh!
34:49Shhh!
34:50Shhh!
34:51Shhh!
34:52Shhh!
34:53Shhh!
34:54Shhh!
34:55Shhh!
34:56Shhh!
34:57Shhh!
34:58Shhh!
34:59Shhh!
35:00Shhh!
35:01Shhh!
35:02Shhh!
35:03Shhh!
35:04Shhh!
35:05Shhh!
35:06Shhh!
35:07You've pretty much done all the tasks now, so that's something.
35:08What I like about this bit is it gets your feet wet.
35:11Shhh!
35:12Oh, my God, I'm absolutely sodding.
35:14Shhh!
35:15Shhh!
35:16Shhh!
35:17And there's so little water in this!
35:20Shhh!
35:21I've stopped the clock!
35:24Shhh!
35:26Shhh!
35:27Is that six litres?
35:28Yeah.
35:29Stop the clock?
35:31Shhh!
35:32Shhh!
35:33Shhh!
35:34Shhh!
35:35Shhh!
35:36APPLAUSE
35:41In my head, I thought, I'll probably be doing so well, it doesn't matter if I've thrown this one. I really needed it.
35:47Yeah.
35:48And, er, this task started for Matthew by him doing the whole course with an empty bucket.
35:53Yeah, I didn't bring any water with him.
35:55It's amazing what the brain does.
35:59APPLAUSE
36:02Very good, very nice.
36:04How did they do?
36:05Well, we saw Stevie, they have to get six litres in the vase.
36:08Yeah.
36:09Well, you didn't do very well.
36:10No!
36:11You took eight minutes, 17, and you were nowhere near six litres.
36:15Matt completed it at six minutes, 27.
36:17Now we're going to look at Rosie and Fatia.
36:20What do I have to do? Trot?
36:22Trot throughout, yeah.
36:23Whee!
36:24How long do I have to do this?
36:25It's faster twins.
36:26Oh, OK.
36:27I knew this was going to happen!
36:31But there's a hole in the bottom!
36:33This is ridiculous.
36:34Do you know how long we're going to be here?
36:36Oh, no!
36:40Oh!
36:41OK, let's do this.
36:43I'm resourceful, innit?
36:45Oh, my God!
36:46Have I got to do this?
36:47All the information is in the task, Rosie.
36:49I can't remember!
36:50You must trot, I know that.
36:51LAUGHTER
36:52Can I take your shoes off and feel them?
36:53My shoes?
36:54Yeah.
36:55Give me your shoes.
36:56OK.
36:57Do I have to do this?
36:58I can't.
36:59I can't remember!
37:00I can't remember.
37:01You must trot, I know that.
37:02LAUGHTER
37:03Can I take your shoes off and feel them?
37:04My shoes?
37:05Yeah.
37:06Give me your shoes.
37:07OK.
37:08Do I have to do this?
37:09I can't.
37:10I can't remember.
37:11I can't remember.
37:12You must...
37:13I'm going to do it.
37:14OK, as long as you're trotting.
37:15Are you trotting?
37:16LAUGHTER
37:17Lovely trotting.
37:18LAUGHTER
37:19Am I allowed to go there?
37:20As long as you stay on the grass.
37:22LAUGHTER
37:23Use bucket A.
37:25OK.
37:26Do I have to do this?
37:27Do I have to do this?
37:28Do I have to do this?
37:29I can't remember.
37:30I can't remember.
37:31I'm going to do it.
37:32OK, as long as you're trotting.
37:33Are you trotting?
37:34Ah!
37:35Ah!
37:36Lovely trotting.
37:37LAUGHTER
37:42I'm trotting.
37:43I'm trotting.
37:44I'm trotting.
37:45Mmm.
37:46It's more of a gallop.
37:47LAUGHTER
37:48Oh, jeez!
37:49Oh!
37:50So, if we do this, it works as a funnel.
37:53OK.
37:54How smart am I?
37:55I'm not sure.
37:56I'm not sure.
37:57LAUGHTER
37:58I've done the clock.
37:59I've done the clock.
38:00I've done the clock.
38:01I've done the clock.
38:02LAUGHTER
38:03I've done the clock.
38:04LAUGHTER
38:05LAUGHTER
38:06I've done the clock.
38:07LAUGHTER
38:08It's more of a gallop.
38:10Oh, jeez!
38:11Oh, jeez!
38:12Oh, jeez!
38:13Oh!
38:14Oh!
38:15Oh!
38:16So, if we do this, it works as a funnel.
38:17OK.
38:18How smart am I?
38:19I'm not sure.
38:20LAUGHTER
38:21LAUGHTER
38:22LAUGHTER
38:23LAUGHTER
38:24APPLAUSE
38:25I've stopped the clock.
38:29I'm sorry about your shoes.
38:31No, I didn't expect you to do any of that, but well done. Thank you.
38:34APPLAUSE
38:39Well, first things first, in no way did that act as a funnel.
38:43LAUGHTER
38:44Secondly...
38:46Let's deal with the trotting. Was your horse lame?
38:49LAUGHTER
38:52It was like 20,000, 5,000 degrees.
38:55Ah, they all were.
38:5620,000, 5,000.
38:57LAUGHTER
38:58It was hot. It was hot.
39:00It was really hot.
39:01Rosie's trot was incredible.
39:03I feel the initial trot was great.
39:05Have you clipped it off for me?
39:06Yes, I have. I clipped-clopped the trot. Here we go.
39:08Clip-clopped it, yeah, yeah.
39:09LAUGHTER
39:11Lovely.
39:12Look at those Spanish horses that have been taught for days.
39:15They're so delicate.
39:16And then I thought, well, that's going to be the best trot I see today.
39:20And then you added sound effects.
39:21LAUGHTER
39:22Here we go.
39:23And this was added by her, not us.
39:25CLIP-CLIP
39:26LAUGHTER
39:27Perfect.
39:28Really nice.
39:29OK, one part left before someone wins some crisps and a spoon.
39:34Further proof, if you needed it, that life is pointless.
39:38APPLAUSE
39:40Hello, then.
39:41It's the last part of the show, and there's a water-carrying task at play.
39:55Only one person left to go, and it's Jason's turn to try and put at least six litres of water in the vase.
40:01Here is how he got on.
40:03Uh, fastest winds, you must stay within the arena at all times and must never touch the vase.
40:07OK, great.
40:08Do we know how many litres are in this vase?
40:21No.
40:22I'm eyeballing it.
40:23I'm going to say that's six litres.
40:24Stop the clock?
40:25All right.
40:26Wow.
40:27APPLAUSE
40:28Oh, I was delighted.
40:29Yeah, we normally think we put enough small print in to stop that sort of thing happening.
40:40Yeah.
40:41It's frustrating.
40:42What, stop winning happening?
40:43Stop that sort of thing, like, letting an American win?
40:46Is that what you mean?
40:47Is that what I'm hearing?
40:49But he didn't fill it all, though, did he?
40:51Well, yeah, he did have to put six litres.
40:52Wow, now, here's the rub.
40:53You didn't have to fill it, you just had to put six litres, and he put, well, he put that much in.
40:57Right.
40:58And where's the six litres?
40:59Uh, six litres is here.
41:00Oh!
41:01Oh!
41:02Oh!
41:03Oh!
41:04Oh!
41:05Oh!
41:06Yeah.
41:07Oh!
41:08This right here is where you lose America.
41:13Yeah.
41:14I'm just going to eyeball it.
41:15Yeah.
41:16If that wasn't a dead-on impression, I'm just going to get it.
41:20If that wasn't a dead-on impression, I would be very upset, Rosie.
41:29He was obviously the quickest.
41:31He took one minute.
41:32Yeah, but he didn't get six litres.
41:33He did not.
41:34He got basically the same as Stevie.
41:36LAUGHTER
41:37So, Fatia's third place with her 13 minutes 47.
41:40Matt, second place, gets four points with six minutes 27.
41:42But Rosie gets the four points with three minutes 15.
41:45Five points.
41:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:48Yes.
41:49Wow.
41:50One more look at the scores, please.
41:51Yes.
41:52Well, as is traditional, Jason and Stevie are doing very badly.
41:55LAUGHTER
41:5612 points less than Matt, who's in the lead with 18 points.
41:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:05All right, everyone, please make your way to the stage
42:07for the final task of the show.
42:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:18Who's going to read the task out?
42:20Rosie Ramsay's going to read the task out, please.
42:22Get one of your balls into your bucket.
42:27Your spoons must be poking through the fence when touching the ball
42:31and only your spoons may touch your ball.
42:34You may not touch the other team's balls or buckets or spoons.
42:39You must always be on your side of the fence
42:41and your ball must always be on the other.
42:44If your ball touches the ground, you must start again.
42:47Fastest wins.
42:49You're trying to get a red ball into the red bucket
42:51you're trying to get a blue ball into the blue bucket
42:53and the spoons must go through the fence.
42:56They can't go over or under.
42:58They need to be through that middle section.
43:00OK.
43:01So, is it most balls in the bucket wins?
43:03Just fastest to get one across.
43:05Fascinating.
43:06OK.
43:07Fastest wins. You ready, Greg?
43:08I'm ready.
43:09GO!
43:10Right, you tell us.
43:11You tell us.
43:12Do we just...
43:13Do you just try and move it?
43:15I can reset if you like.
43:17Here we go.
43:18Right.
43:19Load me!
43:20It's going to go into the other one.
43:21Yes!
43:22Load me!
43:23Load me, is it?
43:24Nice.
43:25Nice.
43:26Nice.
43:27You can use two spoons.
43:28One, two.
43:29Help it!
43:30Coming.
43:31Load me!
43:32Sorry, guys.
43:33Right, OK.
43:34So, look.
43:35Are they allowed?
43:36You need a cushion.
43:37A little cushion.
43:38A little cushion.
43:39This is lovely work for the blue team.
43:40Fuck it.
43:41Fuck it.
43:42Can you not swear quite so much?
43:43Sorry, sorry, sorry.
43:44It was a direction.
43:46I love it.
43:47They love it.
43:48OK.
43:49I'm holding it.
43:50I'm holding it.
43:51You come round.
43:52Come round.
43:53Do you see why it's not every ball, Greg?
43:55This is great.
43:56Are you got it?
43:57You got it?
43:58This is far more watchable than I ever dreamt.
44:00OK.
44:01They're getting close.
44:02They're getting close to each other.
44:03It's like the Channel Tunnel.
44:04And you're not allowed to touch each other's spoons.
44:05No, no, no.
44:07How did that happen?
44:08OK.
44:09OK.
44:10I'm locked in.
44:11We've got this.
44:12We've got this.
44:13OK, save.
44:14I'm locked in!
44:15Fuck!
44:16I didn't mean to swear.
44:17I didn't mean to swear.
44:18Fuck!
44:19I didn't mean to swear.
44:20OK.
44:21I did mean to swear.
44:22Oh, no, this is what we're doing.
44:23OK.
44:24OK.
44:25OK.
44:26OK.
44:27OK.
44:28OK.
44:29OK.
44:30OK.
44:31OK.
44:32OK.
44:33OK.
44:34I'm locked in.
44:35Great.
44:37I'm enjoying I'm locked in as a catchphrase.
44:40I'm locked in!
44:41Wait, wait, wait.
44:42Don't touch.
44:43Don't touch any of their stuff.
44:44I'm not going to.
44:45Wait.
44:46Can we see?
44:47I'm going to let them pass.
44:48Should we let them pass?
44:49You shall pass!
44:50Thank you!
44:51Go, Stevie, go, Stevie, go, Stevie, go, Stevie.
44:53Thank you!
44:54And then it's going to be a straight sprint from here, Greg.
44:56I'm not locked in.
44:57I'm not locked in yet.
44:58OK.
44:59You need to come a little bit further over there.
45:01Can I...
45:02Ooh!
45:03I'm locked in now!
45:04You are?
45:05Yeah.
45:06OK, great.
45:07Right.
45:08Am I out the safety?
45:09It's neck and neck, Greg.
45:10It's neck and neck.
45:11I'm genuinely finding it exciting.
45:12What's wrong?
45:13I'm locked in!
45:15I'm locked in!
45:17Let's pick up the grease.
45:18I'm locked in!
45:19Come on, let's pick up the grease.
45:20Come on, let's pick up the grease.
45:21I'm locked in!
45:22I'm locked in!
45:23I'm locked in!
45:24I'm locked in!
45:25I'm locked in!
45:26I'm locked in!
45:27No!
45:28I'm not risking it!
45:29Oh, my God!
45:30They killed him!
45:31I'm locked in!
45:32I'm locked in!
45:33I'm locked in!
45:34I'm locked in!
45:35What's happening?
45:36What's happening?
45:37What's happening?
45:38What's happened?
45:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:56Hold Jason, hold Jason, please hold Jason down.
45:59No, no, don't touch him!
46:03Stevie, I'm so sorry.
46:05It's OK.
46:07Jason, I'm locked in.
46:12Come down and join me when I've got your final score!
46:24Wowee.
46:25Who'd have thought that passing a ball with some spoons through a fence
46:28would be that exciting?
46:29Well, you didn't.
46:30Correct.
46:33So the team of two, Jason and Stevie,
46:35have managed to get a total of 12 points in this episode.
46:39Mathematically, I don't know how they've managed to do that.
46:41They've got six points each.
46:42Well, at the top, we've got Matt with 23 points!
46:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:45Matthew Bates and Wings, please head to the stage to climax the show.
46:53You're actually climaxing, guys!
46:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:55Well, after tonight, we're in England's under-21s.
47:05We'll be looking to build against Slovenia.
47:07Stream or watch live on Channel 4 Sunday at 4.30.
47:11And in our Pride collection, he plays up front and he gets very personal.
47:14The UK's only openly gay pro player talks about being out and proud in football.
47:18That's streaming right now.
47:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE