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  • 6/12/2025
Taskmaster (UK) S19 E07 2025

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00This was a mistake!
00:05Shut up!
00:06Button?
00:15You're mad.
00:17Wow.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:35Hello, everybody!
00:37I'm Greg Dalius. Welcome to Taskmaster.
00:39So far, the competition has seen the steely determination
00:42of British blitz spirit.
00:44And whilst I must be respectful and not do too many wartime analogies
00:48when discussing a light entertainment show,
00:50there are some similarities.
00:52We've seen resilience, determination,
00:54steadfast strength in the face of adversity
00:57and, crucially, a brash American sweep in
00:59and try and take all the glory.
01:01LAUGHTER
01:02Let's hope he leaves
01:03without getting loads of our women pregnant
01:05after buying them nylons.
01:07LAUGHTER
01:08Let's get on and begin the next round of the competition
01:11and meet our mighty five once more.
01:13They are...
01:14Fatia Al Gorey!
01:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:17Jason Mandzukas!
01:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:19Matthew Bainter!
01:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:22Rosie Ramsey!
01:24And Stevie Martin!
01:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:28And next to me, a man who told me
01:30that when you're a busy father,
01:31work-life balance can be tricky,
01:33but he's developed a technique on the nights
01:35that he's in charge of the kids.
01:37And I quote him,
01:38I stick them in front of an iPad
01:40and I spark up a fat one.
01:42LAUGHTER
01:43A lot of viewers' questions asking what's different about me this series,
01:53so they've all spotted something.
01:54And it is true, the shoes have had an update,
01:57so I thought I'd talk you through the latest, um, assistant's shoe.
02:01Of course, it does now have, uh, an indicator for...
02:04LAUGHTER
02:05..you know, if you're walking down the corridor,
02:06which way...
02:07I'm going right,
02:08so the right foot will go on.
02:09LAUGHTER
02:10It does have pockets, yes, it does have pockets,
02:11well noted,
02:12so if you want to keep your raisins...
02:13LAUGHTER
02:14..somewhere...
02:15LAUGHTER
02:16..and that's not enough.
02:17The shoe's on now.
02:18Fully edible.
02:19LAUGHTER
02:20LAUGHTER
02:22Thank you,
02:23so that should answer some of the questions.
02:25I'm putting them back on now.
02:26Yeah.
02:27That's my bit done.
02:28Yeah, that's it.
02:29Well, except I'm now covered in edible shoes, so...
02:31LAUGHTER
02:36Hold on to your seats.
02:38This is the one we've been waiting for.
02:41It's going to change lives.
02:43It might change the planet!
02:45It is the biggest anticlimax.
02:48LAUGHTER
02:50Greg will give big points for the thing
02:52which, conversely, has disappointed the most.
02:54It's just such a quirky show.
02:55The end.
02:56Your turn.
02:57LAUGHTER
02:58Genuinely quite funny.
02:59OK.
03:00LAUGHTER
03:01Fattier.
03:02Yes.
03:03What are you saying?
03:04The thing I brought in is a bag of crisps.
03:06You know the family pack, the big one?
03:08And the reason why you buy them is because you want lots...
03:11..you want extra crisps.
03:12If I wanted one bag of crisps, like the little one,
03:14I would have brought that in it.
03:16This is the bag she's brought.
03:17From the outside, this was the inside.
03:19Oh!
03:20Oh!
03:21I hadn't even eaten it yet.
03:22Do you know what I did?
03:23I called trading standards.
03:24LAUGHTER
03:25And I said,
03:26the shop's got kids working in the basement.
03:28That's what I did.
03:29Yeah.
03:30Sorry, Fattier.
03:31So you didn't ring up trading standards and say,
03:33I'm disappointed by the amount of crisps.
03:35No.
03:36You said, the shop's got children working in the basement.
03:38LAUGHTER
03:40It's a perfectly good start.
03:42I think that sounds like five points fattier.
03:44Ooh, no.
03:45Unless these four have really messed up.
03:48LAUGHTER
03:49Rosie.
03:50To me, the biggest anticlimax is your wedding day.
03:54It's Rosie's.
03:55This is what the winner gets.
03:56My wedding day.
03:57LAUGHTER
03:58This is fake.
04:00He looks like he's died and you've stuffed it.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:05You look forward to your wedding day so much,
04:07it costs an absolute fortune.
04:09And I remember sitting there, just looking at everyone,
04:11not finishing their dinner, and thinking,
04:12I've paid 80 quid for that.
04:14LAUGHTER
04:15I just found it a huge anticlimax.
04:17Anti-climax.
04:18And you've illustrated it beautifully with that picture.
04:20And that's the only...
04:21That's the one that I thought...
04:22With that picture of a drunk car salesman.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:26Stevie.
04:28So, you know these, like, display boxes that you get?
04:30Here it is.
04:31And I had it for ages, and I was like,
04:33oh, they're always quite...
04:34Like, what do you put in it?
04:35Like, they're always quite anticlimactic,
04:37and I couldn't remember what I'd actually got in it.
04:39So then, in the moment, I opened it,
04:41and this is genuinely what was inside it.
04:43Here we go.
04:44LAUGHTER
04:46That could be a number for a safe.
04:48It could be my PIN number.
04:49No.
04:50LAUGHTER
04:52Is that your PIN number?
04:53No.
04:54LAUGHTER
04:56But I feel like it's really difficult to know what to put in those boxes.
04:58It's not big enough for jewellery.
04:59Like, what could you ever do that would justify the beautiful, ornate woodwork?
05:04LAUGHTER
05:06I'm getting two, aren't I, again?
05:09LAUGHTER
05:10I love that you presume it's not one.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:13I love it!
05:14Thank you so much for bringing a box of tatties.
05:17LAUGHTER
05:18You're so good.
05:19LAUGHTER
05:21Right.
05:22I think you'll agree I've put quite a lot of effort into these prize tasks so far.
05:27You have, actually.
05:28OK.
05:29And this one, I've really gone to town.
05:32So, do you know what a Rube Goldberg machine is?
05:35Yeah.
05:36I don't know.
05:37I've done it, actually.
05:38I don't know.
05:39So, like, a tennis ball goes down a drain pipe, it turns on a leaf blower, leaf blower blows
05:43the washing round the line.
05:44Yeah.
05:45Built one of these in my garden at great effort.
05:49For this show?
05:50For this prize.
05:51Oh, God.
05:52It is meant to end with a single ignition, multi-shot firework.
05:58LAUGHTER
05:59This looks absolutely spectacular.
06:01If it goes off, I invited some people round to film their reaction.
06:06They don't know what we know, which is that the thing is not going to go off.
06:11Here we go.
06:12Let's take a look.
06:13Let's have a look.
06:14And here we go.
06:16I didn't do any of that.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:19That is a work of art, young man.
06:32I wonder if that'll beat your bag of crisps.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:37Jason.
06:38I think what I've brought is self-explanatory, so why don't, Alex, if you don't mind, just hit it.
06:43Here is Jason's Anticlimax.
06:45A vision of power.
07:02It's truly haunted.
07:05It's evil.
07:06It's my face.
07:07LAUGHTER
07:08Did you do it yourself?
07:09Yeah.
07:10I grabbed one of those, printed out your face, stretched it, glued it, that's what I got.
07:15And the lips work.
07:17What as in what do you mean?
07:19They're kissable.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:21OK.
07:22We're starting with the most climactic, or we're just...
07:25I suppose the least anticlimactic.
07:27Oh.
07:28Don't.
07:29OK.
07:30Because the box is so ornate, I would be most disappointed by that random collection of shit and a horrible hair.
07:35So it's going to be crisp.
07:36So it's one to Fatia.
07:37Two to Stevie.
07:38Then we flip to Jason because, although I'm loath to admit it, there is a very small part of me that feels affection towards you.
07:46So I can't say it was totally anticlimactic.
07:48Wow.
07:49So I'm going to give three points to that.
07:50Three to Jason.
07:51It's very difficult to put your actual wedding day not in the top slot.
07:55But I think we have to acknowledge that Matthew really did...
07:58But I spent £25,000, so maybe I've been enjoying it.
08:01LAUGHTER
08:02Four points to Rosie, five points to Rosie.
08:04Four points to Matthew.
08:05There we go.
08:06Well then, Matthew, thank you.
08:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:09Quite long have we got first, please.
08:12We are off to a beautiful location swarming with monsters.
08:16Ooh.
08:17MUSIC
08:31Hello.
08:34Hi.
08:35Rosie.
08:36Hello.
08:37Welcome.
08:38Welcome.
08:39Nice to be here.
08:40Is it?
08:41LAUGHTER
08:42OK, I can see Morse code.
08:45I don't know shit about Morse code.
08:47Right.
08:48I just know it goes beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
08:51LAUGHTER
08:52Five boxes with codes on them.
08:54It reminds me of the hotel safe things
08:56that I always have to get the receptionist to come up and break into
08:59because I forgot my own birthday.
09:02LAUGHTER
09:03What is in the one yellow box?
09:06You may only give one answer.
09:09All the information is in the task.
09:12Fastest to give the correct answer wins.
09:18OK.
09:19You all right?
09:20Yeah, I've just seen these lads.
09:22What's that then?
09:24Some sort of creatures.
09:30LAUGHTER
09:31Oh.
09:32Your time starts now.
09:34Right.
09:36OK.
09:37So there's things happening over there.
09:39Bear reading pornographic magazine.
09:43Sugar Guy magazine?
09:45Bear's a straight perv.
09:48APPLAUSE
09:50Stevie, you're the only person I've ever known
09:53who's used one of those safes in a hotel.
09:55In the hotel I'm currently at, they had to come in and break into it.
09:59Three on-fight ones.
10:00I'm just surprised you've got stuff to lock up
10:02because I've seen inside your jewellery box.
10:04LAUGHTER
10:05Right, shall we start here first?
10:06Yes, please, Greg.
10:07We're going to start with the logical ladies, Rosie and Stevie.
10:11They've got a paddle of some description.
10:12Are they doing mass cord to me?
10:13Oh, they've gone!
10:14Oh!
10:15Oh, my God, there's some sort of bird.
10:16He's just doing his arms.
10:17I think they're wings.
10:18Wings, sorry.
10:19OK, one, two, one, two, three.
10:36OK, two, three, two, three, I'm doing.
10:40That's a compass.
10:44Is that a dinosaur?
10:46It's a monster.
10:47Oh, he's doing the flags.
10:49Oh, this is, like, an eye test.
10:52Four, seven, nine.
10:55OK.
10:56Oh, both cords back.
10:58Dash.
10:59Dash.
11:00Dot.
11:01Dot.
11:02Dot.
11:03So, that's an eight and a five.
11:05Oh, well, that's two numbers, then.
11:06Eight, five, eight, five.
11:07Oh, it's a puzzle.
11:08This is not, this is just question marks.
11:09I don't think this means anything.
11:10Oh, it's, it's, it's our friend from yonder.
11:11Do you know any of the numbers?
11:12Four, seven, nine.
11:13What's that bear doing there?
11:14Oh, Jesus.
11:15What the hell's going on over there?
11:16OK.
11:17Hello.
11:18What do you mean?
11:19Date, two, five, one, two.
11:20What?
11:21What?
11:22What?
11:23What?
11:24What?
11:25What?
11:26What?
11:27What?
11:28What?
11:29What?
11:30What?
11:31What?
11:32What?
11:33What?
11:34What?
11:35What?
11:36What?
11:37What?
11:38I'm gonna take it.
11:39OK, bye.
11:40Have a lovely afternoon.
11:43The date of the magazine.
11:45Hangman.
11:46I forgot how I'm playing hangman.
11:48Is this meant to be this difficult?
11:50Um...
11:51Right.
11:52Um...
11:53Um, monster...
11:54monster
11:57Bear
11:59alligator
12:01monster
12:03Crawl task I
12:06Think all of these things so I've looked at all of the clues. Mmm. No, okay
12:12Like a magic eye
12:19The gaps there's gaps one one two one one two
12:24force
12:25Wow
12:27Four four nine four. What's that? They all have numbers on them. I'm a mentor no more stuff in this
12:34That's five numbers. Okay, so what's the relevance of the four seven nine then?
12:43Four four seven nine four. Let's try this one
12:48Seven nine four
12:54I've stopped the clock. Okay, what the fuck?
13:04Well, it seems very logical to me what they were doing the only two things that stood out were Rosie wishing a bear a lovely afternoon
13:11And um, did you genuinely think it was a magic eye?
13:16I thought it was worth a shot
13:20There were lots of different ways of solving and they used all of those ways I suppose
13:25Rosie 16 minutes 28 Stevie 25
13:28You know what's my auntie said when she caught my uncle in bed with his bowling partner Duncan it's time for a break
13:39I
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16:47Think you both felt some sense of rage having run around and then realized it was there all along
16:51Yeah a little bit and the worst was I was so excited to talk to the fisherman and he kept moving further and further away
16:58Of course he did
16:59So I had to chase the man just to talk to him who did not want to be talked to
17:05He did find a fish before you so there's something for him
17:08I
17:10I got sympathy from a couple of young girls on a park bench and that that was a low point
17:15Well, they applauded you because they thought you were a marathon runner
17:21Right
17:22Who's next?
17:23Finally, let's find out if Fatia found the fish. Here we go
17:27Okay, we've got one two three four five
17:30We've got colors. There's also that thing there that says in love in memory of monster
17:3844 794 let's try this
17:45It's a fish
17:47What's up the clock?
17:48Am I going there?
17:49Yes, I'm going there
17:58I've absolutely got it
18:01I thought this is going to send this woman over the edge this time
18:05There's no way she's going to be chasing crows across a bridge
18:08Hell no
18:09No
18:10What are the times?
18:12Yeah, Stevie you were the slowest with your 25 minutes obviously
18:15Jason just behind you though 19 minutes 15 so you get the two points
18:19Rosie was slower than Matt you were 16 minutes 28
18:22Matt you were 12 minutes 46
18:23Fatia 38 seconds and five points
18:34Right, I need a scoreboard update please
18:36Rosie's in second with seven, Matt's in the lead with nine points
18:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:42OK
18:45What's next baby boy?
18:46Well, I've only got into it recently but now I have it all the time
18:49It's so satisfying it makes me feel on top of the world
18:52I just love it
18:53Yes, I'm talking about yoghurt
18:54MUSIC PLAYS
19:07Hi
19:08Hello
19:09How's it going?
19:10Good, thank you
19:11Yeah?
19:12What's this?
19:13How are you?
19:14Yes, good, yeah, feeling great today
19:16Hello
19:17Rosie
19:18Hiya
19:21You're back?
19:22Yeah
19:23Ooh, look at this
19:26It's a special task
19:28And actually before you open the task
19:29Hmm?
19:30I need you to write a word in that little window
19:32You've got to either write the word most
19:34Or least
19:36Oh
19:37Have you got a pen?
19:38Well, I provided you with a pen
19:43Where is it?
19:44On your way in I gave it to you
19:45No you didn't
19:46No you didn't
19:48I'm sure I did
19:49You're coming in
19:51Are you coming in?
19:52Yeah, yeah
19:57You're taking the mic, yeah?
20:01It's incredible what the brain does
20:03I've watched so many people sort of lose their sense of humour on this show and I've always wondered why
20:17And now I get it
20:19Bit hotter
20:20Hotter
20:21Yeah?
20:22Here?
20:23No
20:25Yeah, hotter
20:26Hotter
20:27Hotter
20:35I see that marker
20:36Yeah
20:37Good, I'm just letting you know that I know the marker is there
20:41Okay, I'm gonna
20:43Glass half most
20:45Glass half most?
20:48Most
20:51Oh!
20:52Eat this yoghurt with the most
20:54With the most
20:55With the most
20:56With the most dignity
20:57There it is
20:58Okay
21:00Eat this yoghurt with the least dignity
21:03Most extreme eating wins
21:06Most extreme?
21:07Yes, extreme dignity please
21:09You have 30 minutes
21:12Your time starts now
21:15Could you google dignity?
21:16Oh
21:17Do you know what I mean?
21:18I know exactly what you mean
21:19What does it mean?
21:20The song by Deacon Blue
21:22Okay
21:28I mean it was genuinely fascinating that none of you saw that pen, right?
21:32I think when you walk into that room you just kind of like zone in the zone
21:36It's amazing what the brain does
21:38It is amazing what the brain does
21:40One of many quotes to go into the taskmaster book of quotes
21:44That next to
21:45Glass half most
21:49No surprise that you had your own pen with you
21:52Increasingly
21:53Alex
21:54This man's basically a doomsday prepper
21:59He's got everything with him to survive
22:02Oh no
22:03There you go
22:04What's that?
22:05Swiss army knife with a flashlight on
22:06Why would you bring that onto a TV show?
22:10Terrifying
22:11Alright
22:12Dignity
22:13Four of them chose most dignity
22:14Just the one with the least
22:15We're going to start with the most dignity
22:17Stevie and Jason
22:19Dick
22:20That was funny
22:21Lords
22:22He's got everything
22:23I don't know
22:24That was good
22:25I don't know
22:26I don't know
22:27I don't know
22:28We're going to try
22:30some...
22:31Two people
22:32One by the way
22:33I saw
22:34Some...
22:35Two people
22:36Two people
22:37Two people
22:38Two people
22:39Two people
22:40It was delicious.
23:05I owned so much land.
23:10And how do you think that represents dignity, just so I can score this?
23:36I'm going to be honest, when I spilled the yogurt on my hand, I was like, I'm fucked.
23:40LAUGHTER
23:41I'm not trying to get points now, I'm just on my secondary mission, which is always ongoing,
23:47destroy, dismantle, engulf in flames.
23:50LAUGHTER
23:51Oh, my God.
23:52Very much an American foreign policy, isn't it?
23:59A little bit of politics.
24:01Yours was very dignified, I thought, and I've written something down that may or may not offend you.
24:07I wrote,
24:08I hadn't realised until now what a Downton Abbey face you have.
24:12LAUGHTER
24:13That's so peppy.
24:14Yeah.
24:15Yeah.
24:16Yeah.
24:17I actually...
24:18Alan and he went, you look really nice.
24:19I thought she looked lovely.
24:20She liked it.
24:21Like a pound coin.
24:22Like a pound coin.
24:23I didn't say she didn't look like a pound coin.
24:24I looked like a pound coin.
24:25Just...
24:26LAUGHTER
24:27Well, from your side, it was just like very...
24:28She was like,
24:29Cush!
24:30Stop!
24:31Stop your hands!
24:32LAUGHTER
24:33Anyway.
24:34Posh.
24:35Mad.
24:36LAUGHTER
24:37Well, even more dignity now with Fatia and Rosie.
24:42Eating a yoghurt the most dignified way.
24:44You, at the end, I'd like you to pick your nose, stir it in your yoghurt,
24:47and then lick it off.
24:48I'd like you to put some yoghurt in your mouth,
24:50and then I'd like you to kind of squirt it out of your mouth.
24:52Like, eat your yoghurt really as fast as you can,
24:54but also at the same time, if you don't mind, shaking your buzzers.
24:57You are the most dignified yoghurt eater who has ever been on Taskmaster.
25:07Your eyes...
25:09Your eyes are like the dark depths of desire.
25:13Your trainers gracing ground with elegance and heavenly delight.
25:20Your smell seduces our nostrils like moths to a flame.
25:26LAUGHTER
25:31WHISTLE BLOWS
25:34LAUGHTER
25:39LAUGHTER
25:45Dignity.
25:48APPLAUSE
25:51Who has the dignity in your piece?
25:58Me.
25:59You.
26:00Yeah.
26:01No, I just wondered if this was a clever, satirical point you were making
26:04about the workers who lack the social graces, but...
26:07No, OK, cool.
26:08LAUGHTER
26:09Posh woman in a big blouse eating it nicely, everyone else eating it badly, yeah?
26:13Yes.
26:14Or something diva.
26:15LAUGHTER
26:17Um, now, you.
26:21What's your definition of dignity?
26:24Elegance.
26:25Poise.
26:26Posh twat.
26:28LAUGHTER
26:29I just want to make sure that we both have the same understanding of dignity.
26:34Yeah.
26:35Cos it just seems to me some yoghurt gobbling horny woman.
26:38LAUGHTER
26:39One of the lines was...
26:40I was wearing gloves.
26:41Who wears gloves?
26:42One of the lines was...
26:43One of the lines was...
26:44I was wearing gloves.
26:45You said...
26:46Who wears gloves?
26:47LAUGHTER
26:48Her smell seduces people's nostrils.
26:50Because my smell is seductive, dickhead.
26:53LAUGHTER
26:56Yeah!
26:57Yes!
26:58Yes!
26:59Yes!
27:00Yes!
27:01Yes!
27:02Did you like...
27:03Did you like it?
27:04My definition of dignified, was that good or not?
27:06LAUGHTER
27:08And now it's time for an advert.
27:10LAUGHTER
27:11APPLAUSE
27:22Hello!
27:23Welcome back to the start of part three.
27:25Dignity and yoghurts, Alex.
27:27Yes, indeed.
27:28And that's a little in-joke for me and Greg,
27:30as dignity and yoghurts is also Greg's safe word.
27:32LAUGHTER
27:34It always has been.
27:35Now for the only competitor who settled for less,
27:38consuming his yoghurt with the least dignity,
27:40yes, it's Matt.
27:42LAUGHTER
27:43.
27:44.
27:45.
27:48.
27:50.
27:52.
27:55.
27:56.
28:02.
28:03.
28:03.
28:06.
28:08Please forgive me, Daddy.
28:25I've got your shoes all back in.
28:38LAUGHTER
28:43That sort of thing? Yeah, lovely.
28:46Very nice.
28:48All right, see you later.
28:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:52Incredible.
28:54Wow.
28:56The standout line for me, I've written down,
28:58and I thought I'd get you to read it out.
29:01Please forgive me, Daddy, I've got your shoes all mucky.
29:04LAUGHTER
29:06I don't want the points in the world that can have made that worthwhile.
29:11LAUGHTER
29:12For the cost it's going to have at the school gates.
29:15LAUGHTER
29:17Whereas I think I'll get new respect from my children.
29:20Really?
29:21That's the most power I've ever had.
29:23LAUGHTER
29:24You said Daddy, what did you say Daddy for?
29:27LAUGHTER
29:28Do you get on your get?
29:29That's where you are.
29:31LAUGHTER
29:32Good question.
29:34We're looking for the most extreme eating,
29:36so it might be most dignified or least dignified,
29:37whichever is the most extreme of those two ways.
29:40Obviously, Jason's getting one point.
29:42There was absolutely no dignity whatsoever...
29:44All right.
29:45..in smashing up our set again.
29:47LAUGHTER
29:48One point. One point for Jason.
29:49One point for Jason. Well done.
29:50I do feel there needs to be a jump up there.
29:52I'm going to group Stevie and Rosie together
29:55because they went down a class-based dignity.
29:57Mm-hm.
29:58So I think it's a three-pointer.
29:59It feels fair.
30:00And this is going to surprise you,
30:02because I do think there was some dignity in that weird woman.
30:05LAUGHTER
30:06She was very much in control.
30:07She was very comfortable in her own skin.
30:09So is she getting five points? Four points.
30:11Four points. Four points.
30:12I mean, obviously, if a man is prepared to humiliate himself
30:15in such a profound way... Mm-hm.
30:17..to be that undignified... Right.
30:19..how can I not give him five points?
30:22There we go. Five to Matt Benton.
30:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:30Another chess piece of lyrics.
30:32OK, well, if you like gardens, water, choices,
30:35an assault course, buckets and bunting, then you'll enjoy this.
30:39Also, we should really hook up.
30:41LAUGHTER
30:47Am I a worm?
30:59You think I'm going to go through that?
31:01You lost your mind.
31:02Do I look like Lassie?
31:03LAUGHTER
31:08That's what they do, isn't it?
31:10I've never seen anyone do it that well.
31:14Oof.
31:15You put at least six litres of water in the vase.
31:18I'm assuming this is the vase.
31:19No, that's the vase.
31:20OK, so where's the vase?
31:21LAUGHTER
31:22Ah.
31:23You must either use bucket A...
31:25..and route A...
31:28..or bucket B...
31:30..and route B.
31:32These are routes?
31:33No, these are routes.
31:34LAUGHTER
31:38If you choose A, you must complete one of the tasks
31:40at every obstacle.
31:42If you choose B, you must trot throughout.
31:48You know I hate trotting!
31:50I do.
31:51What am I, a horse?
31:53LAUGHTER
31:54You must stay within the arena at all times.
31:57The arena is the lawn.
31:59I must never touch the vase.
32:01Fastest wins.
32:02You have 30 seconds to pick your bucket,
32:04and that time has just started.
32:06OK, so I'm going to pick bucket A.
32:09I feel like that's a red herring.
32:12I'm going to do A.
32:14I'm going with A.
32:15Oh, no, I don't know.
32:17What's trotting this?
32:18Yeah, you've got 12 seconds to decide.
32:21Can I do B?
32:22B it is.
32:23Right, we're off.
32:24I'm going to trot.
32:25OK, we're going option B.
32:26Go for it.
32:27APPLAUSE
32:28Well, Fatty, why are you so cross?
32:31Because he wants me to trot like a horse.
32:32What the hell, man?
32:33Straight away, you're like, who am I?
32:34Lassie or a horse?
32:35LAUGHTER
32:36I do think I asked what trotting was,
32:38because we do not say trot.
32:39Do you not?
32:40No, I think with skipping.
32:41Is it?
32:42What about a horse?
32:43Oh, I guess...
32:44LAUGHTER
32:45You know, the horse, when you do that, the horse.
32:46LAUGHTER
32:47Fatty didn't join in that, cos she's not a horse.
32:48LAUGHTER
32:49LAUGHTER
32:50Oh, I guess...
32:51LAUGHTER
32:52LAUGHTER
32:58She's not fucking lassie either, bruv.
33:00LAUGHTER
33:01Who are we going to start with?
33:03First up, it's Matt and Stevie.
33:05I bet those buckets have got holes in or something,
33:08haven't they?
33:09Yeah, they've got holes in them.
33:11All right.
33:15How is that not working?
33:21LAUGHTER
33:22Keep doing what you're doing!
33:24LAUGHTER
33:27Take a big, deep breath and persist.
33:44Carry on!
33:46Oh, I should have got water from the...
33:52There's only one way, this is the only way.
33:54OK.
33:55This is the way.
33:56LAUGHTER
33:57Make a puddle on the path.
33:58Using all the water in your bucket.
33:59LAUGHTER
34:00Continue the obstacle course!
34:01I'm going to hold it in my head.
34:02Turn your bucket upside down onto the path right now.
34:03LAUGHTER
34:04LAUGHTER
34:05I'm going to go in it and just come back.
34:14Yeah, you're here again, though.
34:15You're probably used to doing one of those tasks.
34:18Pop all the water out of your bucket and out of the arena.
34:31LAUGHTER
34:32Hope you're having a nice time!
34:33LAUGHTER
34:34LAUGHTER
34:35LAUGHTER
34:36I hope you're having a nice time!
34:37LAUGHTER
34:38LAUGHTER
34:45Ooh...
34:47Carry on!
34:48Immediately empty your bucket outside the arena.
34:52Why did you ignore the carry-on one?
34:53Oh!
34:54Oh!
34:55Oh, can I just continue?
34:56Oh, yay.
34:57It's too late now, cos I opened the other one.
34:58Yeah.
34:59Yes!
35:00I've pretty much done all the tasks now, so that's something.
35:06What I like about this bit is it gets your feet wet.
35:11LAUGHTER
35:12Oh, my God.
35:13I'm absolutely sodden.
35:16LAUGHTER
35:17And there's so little water in there!
35:20LAUGHTER
35:22I've stopped the clock!
35:24LAUGHTER
35:25APPLAUSE
35:27Is that six litres?
35:29Yeah.
35:30Stop the clock?
35:31LAUGHTER
35:32APPLAUSE
35:34APPLAUSE
35:36APPLAUSE
35:42In my head I thought, I'll probably be doing so well
35:44that it doesn't matter if I've thrown this one.
35:46I really needed it!
35:47LAUGHTER
35:48And, er, this task started for Matthew
35:51by him doing the whole course with an empty bucket.
35:53Yeah, I didn't bring any water with him.
35:55LAUGHTER
35:57It's amazing what the brain does.
35:59LAUGHTER
36:00APPLAUSE
36:02Very good. Very nice.
36:04How did they eat?
36:05Well, we saw, Stevie, they had to get six litres in the vase.
36:08Yeah.
36:09Well, you didn't do very well.
36:10No!
36:11You took eight minutes, 17, and you were nowhere near six litres.
36:15Matt, completed it at six minutes, 27.
36:17Now we're going to look at Rosie and Fatia.
36:20What do I have to do? Trot?
36:22Trot throughout, yeah.
36:24Whee!
36:25How long do I have to do this?
36:26It's faster twins.
36:27Oh, OK.
36:30I knew this was going to happen!
36:32But there's a hole in the bottom!
36:34This is ridiculous.
36:35Do you know how long we're going to be here?
36:40Oh, no!
36:43OK, let's do this.
36:44Let's do this.
36:45I'm resourceful, innit?
36:57Oh, my God, have I got to do this?
36:58All the information is in the task, Rosie.
37:00I can't remember!
37:01You must trot, I know that.
37:03LAUGHTER
37:05Can I take these shoes off and feel them?
37:09My shoes?
37:10Yeah.
37:11Give me your shoes.
37:12OK.
37:13Do I have to do this?
37:14I can't...
37:15I can't remember!
37:16I can't remember.
37:17You must...
37:18I'm going to do it!
37:19OK, as long as you're trotting.
37:20Are you trotting?
37:21Ah!
37:22Ah!
37:25Lovely trotting.
37:34Am I allowed to go there?
37:35As long as you stay on the grass.
37:41Use bucket A, root A, or bucket B and root B.
37:45Oh, my God!
37:47Trot!
37:51I'm trotting, I'm trotting.
37:53Mmm.
38:00It's more of a gallop.
38:03Oh, jeez!
38:06So, if we do this, it works as a funnel.
38:09OK.
38:10How smart am I?
38:11I'm not sure.
38:12I've stopped the clock.
38:29I've stopped the clock.
38:30Sorry about your shoes.
38:31No, I didn't expect you to do any of that, but well done.
38:40Well, first things first, in no way did that act as a funnel.
38:45Secondly...
38:47Let's deal with the trotting.
38:48Was your horse lame?
38:50LAUGHTER
38:53It was like 20,000, 5,000 degrees.
38:55Ah, they all were.
38:56And then...
38:5720,000, 5,000.
38:59It was hot.
39:00It was hot.
39:01It was really hot.
39:02Um, Rosie's trot was incredible.
39:04I feel the initial trot was great.
39:06Have you clipped it off for me?
39:07Yes, I have.
39:08I clipped clopped the trot.
39:09Clipped clopped it.
39:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.
39:12Lovely.
39:13Look at those Spanish horses that have been taught today.
39:16They're so delicate.
39:17And then I thought,
39:18well, that's going to be the best trot I see today.
39:20And then you added sound effects.
39:23Here we go.
39:24And this was added by her, not us.
39:28Perfect.
39:29Really nice.
39:31OK, one part left before someone wins some crisps and a spoon.
39:35Further proof, if you needed it, that life is pointless.
39:38APPLAUSE
39:50Hello, then.
39:51It's the last part of the show, and there's a water-carrying task at play.
39:55Only one person left to go.
39:57And it's Jason's turn to try and put at least six litres of water in the vase.
40:01Tsk, tsk.
40:02Here is how he got on.
40:04Uh, fastest wins.
40:05You must stay within the arena at all times and must never touch the vase.
40:08OK, great.
40:20Do we know how many litres are in this vase?
40:23No.
40:25I'm eyeballing it.
40:26I'm going to say that's six litres.
40:27Stop the clock.
40:29All right.
40:30Wow.
40:31APPLAUSE
40:36Say it to yourself.
40:37Oh, I was delighted.
40:38Yeah, we normally think we put enough small print in to stop that sort of thing happening.
40:41Yeah.
40:42It's frustrating.
40:43What, stop winning happening?
40:44Stop that sort of thing like letting an American win?
40:48Is that what you mean?
40:49Is that what I'm hearing?
40:50But he didn't fill it all, though, did he?
40:52Well, yeah, he did have to put six litres.
40:53Wow, now, here's the rub.
40:54You didn't have to fill it.
40:55You just have to put six litres and he put, well, he put that much in.
40:57And where's the six litres?
40:58Uh, six litres is here.
40:59Oh!
41:00Oh!
41:01Oh!
41:02Oh!
41:03Oh!
41:04Oh!
41:05Oh!
41:06Yeah.
41:07Oh!
41:08This right here is where you lose America.
41:13Yeah.
41:14I'm just going to eyeball it.
41:15If that wasn't a dead-on impression, I would be very upset, Rosie.
41:28He was obviously the quickest.
41:29He took one minute.
41:30Yeah, but he didn't get six litres.
41:31He did not.
41:32He got basically the same as Stevie.
41:33So, Fatia's third place with her, 13 minutes 47.
41:35Matt, second place, gets four points with six minutes 27.
41:38But Rosie gets the four points with three minutes 27.
41:40But Rosie gets the four points with three minutes 27.
41:42Yes.
41:43One more look at the scores, please.
41:44Yes.
41:45Well, as is traditional, Jason and Stevie are doing very badly.
41:4712 points less than Matt, who's in the lead with 18 points.
41:52All right, everyone.
41:53Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show.
41:57Who's going to read the task out?
41:58Rosie Ramsey's going to read the task out, please.
41:59Rosie Ramsey's going to read the task out, please.
42:04Get one of your balls into your bucket.
42:11Your spoons must be poking through the fence when touching the ball and only your spoons may touch your ball.
42:18You may not touch the other team's balls or buckets or spoons.
42:23You must always be on your side of the fence and your ball must always be on the other.
42:30If your ball touches the ground, you must start again. Fastest wins.
42:36You're trying to get a red ball into the red bucket, you're trying to get a blue ball into the blue bucket and the spoons must go through the fence.
42:57They can't go over or under, they need to be through that middle section.
43:01OK.
43:02So, is it most balls in the bucket wins?
43:04Just fastest to get one across.
43:06Fascinating.
43:07Fastest wins.
43:08You ready, Greg?
43:09I'm ready.
43:10Go.
43:11Right, you tell us.
43:12You tell us.
43:13Do you just try and move it?
43:15I can reset if you like.
43:17There we go.
43:18Right.
43:19You can use this!
43:20Load me!
43:21It's going to go into the other one.
43:22Yes, load me!
43:23Load me, is it?
43:24Nice.
43:25Nice.
43:26Nice.
43:27Nice.
43:28You can use two spoons.
43:29One one to help it!
43:30I'm coming.
43:31Load me!
43:32I've done it.
43:33Sorry, guys.
43:34Right, OK.
43:35So, look.
43:36You need a cushion.
43:37A little cushion.
43:38A little cushion.
43:39This is lovely work from the blue team.
43:41Fuck it.
43:42Fuck it.
43:43Can you not swear quite so much?
43:44Sorry, sorry, sorry.
43:45It was a direction.
43:47Oh, my God!
43:48They're locking!
43:49They're locking!
43:50I'm holding it.
43:51I'm holding it.
43:52I'm holding it.
43:53I'm holding it.
43:54I'm holding it.
43:55You come round.
43:57Come round.
43:58Do you see why it's not every ball, Greg?
43:59This is great.
44:00Are you got it?
44:01You got it?
44:02This is far more watchable than I ever dreamt.
44:06They're getting close.
44:07They're getting close to each other.
44:08It's like the Channel Tunnel.
44:09And you're not allowed to touch each other's spoons.
44:11No, no, no, thank you.
44:15I'm not sure you've got it.
44:16Shit!
44:17How did that happen?
44:18OK.
44:19How did that happen?
44:20OK.
44:21I'm locked in!
44:22I'm locked in!
44:23Yeah, go.
44:24We've got this.
44:25We've got this.
44:26OK, save.
44:27I'm locked in!
44:28Fuck!
44:29I didn't mean to swear.
44:30I didn't mean to swear.
44:31Fuck!
44:32I did mean to swear!
44:33Oh, no, wait, wait, wait.
44:34Can you see me?
44:35OK, I'm locked in.
44:36Great.
44:38I'm enjoying I'm locked in as a catchphrase.
44:41I'm locked in!
44:43Wait, wait, wait.
44:44Don't touch any of their stuff.
44:45I'm not going to.
44:46Wait.
44:47Can we see?
44:48I'm going to let them pass.
44:49Should we let them pass?
44:50You shall pass!
44:51Thank you!
44:52Go, Stevie!
44:53Go, Stevie!
44:54Go, Stevie!
44:55Go, Stevie!
44:56Go, Stevie!
44:57And then it's going to be a straight sprint from here, Greg.
44:58I'm not locked in.
44:59I'm not locked in yet.
45:00OK, you need to come a little bit further.
45:02Ooh.
45:03Ooh.
45:04I'm locked in now.
45:05You are?
45:06Yeah.
45:07OK, great.
45:08Am I out of the safety?
45:09It's neck and neck, Greg.
45:10It's neck and neck.
45:11I'm genuinely finding it exciting.
45:12What's wrong?
45:13I'm locked in!
45:14I'm locked in!
45:15I'm locked in!
45:16No!
45:17I'm not risking it!
45:18Oh, my God!
45:19They killed my episode!
45:20I'm locked in!
45:21Oh, my God!
45:22What's happened?
45:25You've been on the table!
45:28What was that?
45:30Oh, it was it, you've been on the table!
45:31And the camera and the camera is off!
45:32Oh, yes, absolutely.
45:34There's definitely a rick of that.
45:36Wait, wait, wait.
45:37I'm locked in!
45:38I'm locked in!
45:39No!
45:40No, I'm not risking it!
45:41I'm locked in!
45:42No!
45:43I'm not risking it!
45:45Oh, my God!
45:46Thank God, as well!
45:47I'm entrapped in now!
45:49What's happened?!
45:50Oh, my God!
45:51Oh, my God!
45:52Oh!
45:53Oh!
45:54Oh
45:58Jason please hold
46:04Stevie I'm so sorry
46:24Wowie who'd have thought that passing a ball with some spoons through a fence would be that exciting well you didn't correct
46:34So the team of two Jason Stevie have managed to get a total of 12 points each episode
46:40Mathematically, I don't know how they've managed to do that. They've got six points each well at all we've got Matt with 23
46:54Well after tonight's when England's under-21s will be looking to build against Slovenia stream or watch live on Channel 4 Sunday at 4
47:1030
47:11And in our pride collection he plays up front and he gets very personal the UK's only openly gay pro player talks about being out and proud in football
47:19That's streaming right now
47:24You