Dan Cummins - Dont Wake The Bear (17) - video Dailymotion

Fyah TV Comedy

When the stand-up comic mixes his odd observational humor with serious subjects, like child rearing, or gun control, the results are hilarious. #comedy #standupcomedy #standup

Transcript

00:00:00Ladies and gentlemen, Dan Cummins.

00:00:30Oh, thank y'all. So happy to be here.

00:00:37Oh, yes. You guys are good.

00:00:44Thank you, guys. Sounds like you guys are doing well.

00:00:47I'm doing pretty well. I don't have a lot to complain about right now other than being occasionally hungry, which I don't care for.

00:00:54That's my main complaint right now because I'm trying to lose a little bit of weight and I don't really want to.

00:00:58I didn't think I needed to, but then I saw a picture of myself taken when I didn't know cameras were around.

00:01:04I was taken from the side when I was not wearing a shirt or sucking in my gut.

00:01:09And that's when I learned that my side profile does not match my front profile.

00:01:15I had no idea what was happening down here.

00:01:18I was like, how could I be this unaware of how I look to the rest of the world?

00:01:22How could I be that in the dark?

00:01:23And I realized it's because when I see myself, it's always from the front.

00:01:26It's usually the bathroom mirror.

00:01:27You know, I'm bent over at a flattering angle.

00:01:31I got a soft 40-watt light.

00:01:33I like that very much.

00:01:35I instinctively suck in my gut without even thinking about it.

00:01:38Just push air into my chest.

00:01:39Just kind of think something along the lines of,

00:01:41you're doing great, Cummins.

00:01:42Good job, buddy.

00:01:44It's like meat lover's pizza doesn't even touch you, you son of a bitch.

00:01:47How do you do it?

00:01:48How do you do it?

00:01:50You can't help a dryer making your pants super duper tight.

00:01:53That's heat and science working against you.

00:01:56That's a dryer's business right there.

00:02:01Turns out from the front, I look like a dude who lifts weights.

00:02:04From the side, I look like a dude who shouldn't because it's probably bad for the baby.

00:02:07I look like a bearded science project of some kind.

00:02:19I blame my physique on my gym.

00:02:22It's very laid back, very non-competitive.

00:02:25I work out at an old YMCA.

00:02:27A place where nothing's been renovated in probably 40 years, including the other members.

00:02:35I would say the average age of the other members of my gym is probably near dead.

00:02:39It's like a nursing home gym, and I love it.

00:02:43My fiance and I started dating.

00:02:44She's like, why don't you get a membership at a better gym?

00:02:46Uh, probably, because I like to dominate.

00:02:50Happiness in life is mostly about putting yourself in favorable match-up situations.

00:02:54I go to a decent gym.

00:02:57I'm average at best.

00:02:58I'm goddamn Hercules at my gym.

00:03:02Those seniors respect my feats of strength.

00:03:05And they come from a better generation that's quick to compliment, and I like all of that very, very much.

00:03:11Like a random ego stroke.

00:03:13I get them at the Y.

00:03:14Like, a while back, I was doing the tricep press-down,

00:03:16and this little old lady, Connie, is patiently waiting her turn like a good person.

00:03:20She's there all the time.

00:03:21When I'm finally done, she goes, and she starts using it,

00:03:24but she forgets to move the pin to a lighter weight,

00:03:27and she just struggles for quite some time.

00:03:29And then she realizes what has happened.

00:03:31She turns to me, and she goes,

00:03:33My goodness!

00:03:34You just lifted that!

00:03:37Well, good for you.

00:03:38Aren't you strong?

00:03:38I couldn't even move it.

00:03:41And I thought that was sweet for her to say.

00:03:43I also thought, of course you couldn't move it, Connie.

00:03:46Look at yourself.

00:03:50Come on.

00:03:50You're like 90 pounds of old bird bones and paper mache.

00:03:53Why would you think you could move that?

00:03:56Come on, Con.

00:03:57I'm pre-gaming on creatine, whey protein shakes.

00:04:01You look like you're getting all jacked up on hard candy and formaldehyde, okay?

00:04:05I want you to look at that fan, Connie.

00:04:06Look at it.

00:04:07That fan's on low.

00:04:08I turn it to high.

00:04:09You're stuck to that goddamn mirror.

00:04:12This is my gym, Connie!

00:04:23Yeah, domination.

00:04:24You take it where you can get it in life, you guys.

00:04:27Take it wherever you can get it.

00:04:29I was trying to think about why I work out.

00:04:31Like, why I care about fitness.

00:04:32I like to lift weights.

00:04:33I don't care about health, though.

00:04:34I will say that.

00:04:35I don't really care about trying to get super healthy.

00:04:38Right?

00:04:39Like, extend your life by 10 years.

00:04:40Why would you want to do that?

00:04:43It's not going to be the good years you get in the back end.

00:04:47What, you live on kale and smoothies and you get 90 to 100?

00:04:52Who gives a shit?

00:04:54That's an awful incentive.

00:04:57I want to have milkshakes and steak,

00:04:59and then I want to get the fuck off this planet.

00:05:02I enjoyed it.

00:05:03I realized that hatred is my workout fuel.

00:05:15I wish it wasn't true, but just hatred of society.

00:05:18I just, I just, I like to try and get stronger,

00:05:20because if I can get a little bit stronger,

00:05:21I feel it's more realistic that I could savagely beat strangers out on the street.

00:05:26And that makes life more bearable and pleasant for me to live.

00:05:30And then I was thinking, why do I hate people so much?

00:05:32And ironically, it's because I was raised with decency, manners, and respect.

00:05:36But I'm forced to live in a world where people don't care about stuff like that.

00:05:42I wake up in a good mood, because I'm not around strangers.

00:05:46And I continue to be in a good mood right up until I leave my place

00:05:49and walk out into the world, a.k.a. the human dickhead parade,

00:05:52and I start to get a little angry.

00:05:54I start to get a little irritated.

00:05:56People's lack of manners.

00:05:59Let's talk about it a little bit.

00:06:00Let's talk about sidewalk etiquette, for starters.

00:06:02What's going on on the sidewalk out there?

00:06:06I'll tell you exactly what's going on.

00:06:08Anarchy.

00:06:10And I don't care for it.

00:06:11People act like there's no rules on the sidewalk.

00:06:14There is, it's a very simple rule.

00:06:15You get the right half.

00:06:17All right, that's how it works.

00:06:18The sidewalk mirrors the road.

00:06:20You get the right half.

00:06:21People coming towards you, they get their right half, and it works out.

00:06:24Maybe if you're in Europe, you get the left half.

00:06:26I don't know, and I don't care.

00:06:27So put your Euro trash ass on the right side of the sidewalk,

00:06:30and you respect our culture.

00:06:32But maybe, maybe you're in a romantic situation,

00:06:40and you're taking up the whole sidewalk.

00:06:41You're holding hands.

00:06:42That's adorable.

00:06:43All right, take the whole thing.

00:06:44Make it yours.

00:06:46Until you see an innocent person coming towards you.

00:06:49Another pedestrian trying to live their life.

00:06:52All right, that's when you should have the decency to single file it.

00:06:55Know who's front, know who's back.

00:06:57Have a plan.

00:06:57Act on it.

00:06:58What you don't do is form a wall of narcissism.

00:07:03Lock hands like you're trying to defend your tag team championship belt,

00:07:06and push people into the street like a savage.

00:07:09That's why I work out moments like that.

00:07:13I'm not a huge guy.

00:07:15I don't even know how to fight.

00:07:16But I feel just big enough to stand my ground now in moments like that.

00:07:2150 pounds ago, I would let those people push me into the street and just be like,

00:07:25meh, what I could have, should have.

00:07:26I'd be irritated the rest of the day.

00:07:30Now I stand my ground.

00:07:32I'm not going to move from my half.

00:07:33It's my half, and I'm going to keep it.

00:07:34And the person coming towards me in my half, not on their half, they don't know it, but

00:07:39they're playing a little game, the sidewalk chicken.

00:07:42And I have a distinct advantage, because I'm the only one who knows that we're playing.

00:07:47All right, they're relaxed.

00:07:48They're lollygagging all loose in the shoulder.

00:07:50I'm fucking tight in the shoulder.

00:07:53My hips are tucked and my core is engaged.

00:07:55I'm braced for impact.

00:07:59I march forward.

00:08:00Sometimes I walk into them.

00:08:01Sometimes I stumble them.

00:08:02One time, I knock some guy to the ground, and it felt pretty good.

00:08:04I'm not going to lie to you.

00:08:06So take your time getting up there, chief.

00:08:07Think about some decency, manners while you're down there.

00:08:10Think about etiquette.

00:08:13I could turn this whole show into a hate speech about manners.

00:08:18The only other one I want to talk about tonight is door etiquette.

00:08:22Right?

00:08:23Isn't it driving you crazy?

00:08:25It's so easy to fix.

00:08:26Here's how it works.

00:08:27When somebody opens up a door for you, you say two words.

00:08:31You say, thank you.

00:08:32And you say it every single time.

00:08:35Right?

00:08:36It makes this planet a lot more bearable to be on.

00:08:39I don't care if the person's holding the door open for you because they have to, because

00:08:42they work there.

00:08:43Say thank you.

00:08:43I don't care if you're on the phone.

00:08:45Tilt your phone.

00:08:45Hey, thank you.

00:08:46I don't care if it's that person that we all hate.

00:08:48All of us hate.

00:08:49That person who holds the door open for you, no exaggeration, a good 20 to 30 yards before

00:08:53you were ready to go through that door.

00:08:55And now you suddenly feel peer pressured into a strange workout you never wanted to be

00:08:59a part of.

00:09:01You find yourself kind of jogging to a door you were very comfortable walking towards.

00:09:05I don't like that.

00:09:07All right?

00:09:08I got tight hips.

00:09:09Now they're chafed.

00:09:10Now I'm sweaty.

00:09:10I'm out of breath.

00:09:14That guy's an idiot, but I say thank you.

00:09:16Because he's a polite idiot and I respect that.

00:09:18I used to not do anything and people wouldn't say thank you.

00:09:23Now I do something.

00:09:24I can't recommend this enough.

00:09:25It feels so good to give it a little bit, a little bit back.

00:09:27When someone doesn't say thank you, here's what you do.

00:09:30You say a very angry, you're welcome.

00:09:33Just, you're welcome.

00:09:35And you stare at him just like that.

00:09:38And it feels so good because technically you're not doing anything wrong.

00:09:41You're saying nice words.

00:09:42A little too loud, but nice words.

00:09:45What feels good about it is even though you're saying the words,

00:09:48you're welcome, that's not the two words they're hearing.

00:09:51Comes out of your mouth, you're welcome.

00:09:54Received by them, fuck you.

00:10:00Right?

00:10:01You're making the world a better place.

00:10:10It's not always good going through life with an easily irritated disposition.

00:10:14It's probably not the best way to live.

00:10:16It's probably not.

00:10:16Now, sometimes it comes in handy though, like jury duty.

00:10:21I got called into jury duty last year.

00:10:23I didn't want to be there.

00:10:24Found out I had nothing to worry about.

00:10:27After roughly 15 minutes of honestly and pretty aggressively answering their questions,

00:10:31they wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.

00:10:32It's one of my finest moments as a grown-up.

00:10:36I have a lot of strong feelings about our court system, a lot of which aren't positive.

00:10:45Right?

00:10:45Like I do.

00:10:46Like I don't like a lot of trials go on way too long.

00:10:49It bugs me.

00:10:50And a lot of trials have frivolous litigation.

00:10:53That's another thing that bugs me.

00:10:54Just overzealous litigation.

00:10:56People suing for things they should not be allowed to sue for.

00:10:59The only people who win are lawyers and insurance companies.

00:11:02Right?

00:11:02We all pay more.

00:11:03We all suffer because of that.

00:11:04We all pay more for every product we buy because that company had to carry extra insurance

00:11:07because of some shithead trying to sue them over something stupid.

00:11:11Right?

00:11:11Like this lady sued Universal Studios Haunted House a couple years ago for scaring her too

00:11:16much.

00:11:17And she won $15,000 for mental anguish.

00:11:22Yeah.

00:11:23For being scared too much by a place she had paid to scare her just enough.

00:11:31That's like suing a restaurant for having food so delicious you order dessert when you

00:11:37knew you should have stopped at dinner.

00:11:45I feel like you could probably pull that off.

00:11:47I feel like you probably could.

00:11:48Just they knew what they were doing, your honor.

00:11:51I wanted to be done when I was barely able to finish my pan-seared tilapia with a raspberry

00:11:56pinot noir glaze and the butternut squash ravioli.

00:12:00I could barely get it down.

00:12:02I had to loosen my belt.

00:12:03Had to take a vino.

00:12:04It's a precautionary measure.

00:12:05And I knew there were still going to be consequences.

00:12:10And then that son of a bitch right there, unsolicited, brought to our table a slice of

00:12:17New York style cheesecake with a creme brulee topping.

00:12:20It was crispy, but it's not burnt.

00:12:21It's crispy, but it's not burnt.

00:12:23I don't know how they do that.

00:12:24Has it made from scratch graham cracker crust where you can smell the butter.

00:12:28You can smell the butter.

00:12:34I've heard enough.

00:12:35Verdict for the plaintiff.

00:12:37$30,000 for intestinal anguish.

00:12:40It feels possible to me.

00:12:46Yeah, and then those trials that go on too long, those trials that waste everybody's

00:12:49time, drag on for years when anyone with common sense knows the verdict on day one.

00:12:54There are those trials.

00:12:55Like there was a serial killer, early 80s in California, Robert Ng.

00:12:59This guy, they find the remains of over like a dozen people that he had killed.

00:13:06Find videotapes in this house.

00:13:07His DNA all over the remains.

00:13:09Find videotapes of him killing the people whose remains they just found.

00:13:13Catch his accomplice immediately, who's also on the tapes, who confesses right away.

00:13:18He's like, yeah, that's us.

00:13:19I mean, you can see us on the tapes.

00:13:20That's our DNA.

00:13:21Yes, guilty.

00:13:22All of it, for sure.

00:13:22No, I mean, it's definitely us, totally for sure.

00:13:25100%.

00:13:26100%.

00:13:27I'm paraphrasing, but that's the gist of it.

00:13:33That trial goes on for over eight years, costs over $20 million.

00:13:38Yeah, that should have cost a couple hundred bucks, been decided in about 10 minutes.

00:13:42That trial should have only lasted as long as it took for the jury to realize that the

00:13:46person on the tape is the person sitting across the courtroom from them.

00:13:51Right?

00:13:51Just minute one, put that tape in, push play, and just wait a few minutes until the jury's

00:13:55like, wait, oh my, oh shit.

00:14:00Oh my God.

00:14:01And then the jury for him would just stand up like, your honor, your honor, we've reached

00:14:04a verdict.

00:14:04We've already reached a verdict.

00:14:06I know we haven't even heard from the defense attorney, but honestly, you know what?

00:14:09Fuck that guy for even taking this case in the first place.

00:14:12I mean, honestly, where is his moral compass?

00:14:14Honestly.

00:14:16He's seen the tape.

00:14:17He's seen the tape.

00:14:18We're going to put in a guilty verdict right now.

00:14:21And if I can be so bold, we'd like to strongly recommend the death penalty.

00:14:24And if I can be so bold, we'd like to wrap this up before lunch and just kill him ourselves

00:14:30right now, if we could.

00:14:32If you don't.

00:14:32I like a pro-death crowd.

00:14:43I appreciate that.

00:14:47Some people need it.

00:14:48Some people need it.

00:14:51So I take this attitude into my jury selection.

00:14:55And it's a murder trial.

00:14:56I don't want to be there.

00:14:57I didn't know this, but when you get there, you can fill out a form saying you don't want

00:15:00to be there.

00:15:01And the last question on the form is pretty straightforward.

00:15:03It says, do you think you'd make a fair juror?

00:15:05I was honest.

00:15:06I said, no, I'm a comic.

00:15:07I get paid to make quick judgments and stick to them.

00:15:10That's exactly what I plan on doing in your court.

00:15:14I thought that would get me tossed.

00:15:16It did not.

00:15:17They made me stay there.

00:15:19They put me in the jury selection box.

00:15:20The defense attorney starts asking me questions in front of the defendant, which is awkward.

00:15:24He's listening to us.

00:15:26And it was weird.

00:15:26The judge told us that the defendant had just been released from prison where he had served

00:15:30several years for the attempted murder of a rival gang member.

00:15:34Now he's being charged with murdering a rival gang member.

00:15:38So I'm like, great.

00:15:39I'm in a room with somebody.

00:15:40Definitely getting better at murder.

00:15:41And I thought that because when I saw him, I immediately thought, yeah, that guy's a murderer.

00:15:51And I thought that because he had gang tattoos all over his face.

00:15:54Like a lot of gang tattoos over a lot of his face.

00:15:56And look, I know that having gang tattoos all over your face doesn't make you a murderer.

00:16:05Unless you're charged with murder.

00:16:11Then it probably makes you a murderer.

00:16:13You know, if you have any common sense.

00:16:18So the defense attorney, he reads my answer to the last question about making quick judgments.

00:16:22And he thought I was joking, I guess.

00:16:23And he goes, so have you made any judgments here?

00:16:25And I go, yeah.

00:16:26I think that guy's guilty.

00:16:30He says, you can't know that.

00:16:32You've heard literally no evidence.

00:16:34And I said, look at his face.

00:16:36Everybody thinks he's guilty.

00:16:43And then I heard some snickering from the other potential jurors.

00:16:46I looked over.

00:16:46I counted at least two thumbs up.

00:16:48And I felt like I was killing in the courtroom.

00:16:52The comment came out of me.

00:16:56I felt like I had a hot crowd.

00:16:58I felt like they wanted more.

00:17:00I wanted to put on a good show.

00:17:04So then the attorney, he goes,

00:17:05Well, if the prosecution doesn't provide enough evidence to prove him guilty beyond a reasonable doubt,

00:17:10you have to find him not guilty.

00:17:12That's his words.

00:17:12You have to.

00:17:14And I just said, no, I don't.

00:17:17I make bad decisions all the time.

00:17:20I can make one here.

00:17:24He said that would be illegal.

00:17:25And I got very nervous because I wanted to say one more thing.

00:17:27But even though I watch a lot of crime shows,

00:17:29I still can't fully wrap my head around what contempt of court actually means.

00:17:32But I did feel like I was treading in that direction.

00:17:38And I also felt, well, you've come this far.

00:17:39Let's ride it out.

00:17:42And I said, I don't know.

00:17:43You know the law better than I do.

00:17:44Maybe that would be illegal.

00:17:46But to be totally honest,

00:17:46I do illegal stuff a lot.

00:17:48And I usually get away with it.

00:17:49I told him, I go,

00:18:02I was texting my friends about how much I didn't want to be on this trial

00:18:05while driving here today.

00:18:06And no one caught me.

00:18:09And he shook his head.

00:18:10He talked to the judge.

00:18:11And about two minutes later,

00:18:11I was walking to my car.

00:18:12Free man.

00:18:13Felt good.

00:18:14The truth had set me free.

00:18:15It's finally paid off to have a bad attitude.

00:18:26I'm not a complete idiot.

00:18:27I do understand that we need some law.

00:18:29As much as I hate it in moments.

00:18:32Like the whole gun control thing.

00:18:33I'm going to talk about that for a second.

00:18:35But before I do,

00:18:36I want to say that I'm not anti-gun.

00:18:37I like to say that immediately.

00:18:39Right?

00:18:40There could be some, yeah.

00:18:41I'm not anti-gun.

00:18:41There could be some gun nuts here

00:18:44and those are the last people I want to piss off.

00:18:47It's a dark room.

00:18:47I'm lit up and I move slow.

00:18:51No, I grew up in Idaho with guns.

00:18:53I like guns.

00:18:53I grew up hunting.

00:18:54I want to go hunting again.

00:18:55I like to go shoot, you know,

00:18:56targets and tin cans and all that stuff.

00:18:58And it's fun.

00:18:59And none of my friends have ever done anything crazy with a gun

00:19:01because we're not complete morons.

00:19:03Right?

00:19:04And it's a,

00:19:04I don't have a,

00:19:05I don't have a problem with guns.

00:19:05I don't know how to fix the whole gun control situation,

00:19:08but I do know where we should start.

00:19:10Better mental health regulation.

00:19:12Right?

00:19:13Certain, yeah.

00:19:14Certain lunatics shouldn't have guns.

00:19:18Right?

00:19:18There needs to be some testing.

00:19:19And I say that because every time there's a tragedy on the news

00:19:22and they show the mugshot of the person who did it,

00:19:24it's always the same kind of dude.

00:19:28It's never a hunter.

00:19:29It's never an avid outdoorsman.

00:19:31It's never some hunting enthusiast.

00:19:33Never some fat redneck with a Cabela's cap and a camo jacket.

00:19:36He's got his 30-06 in front of a 12-point Mule Deer trophy book.

00:19:40I like deer.

00:19:41I prefer, I do.

00:19:42I do.

00:19:42I enjoy it.

00:19:45It's never that guy.

00:19:46It's always the same kind of guy.

00:19:47You see his picture.

00:19:48You don't have to be a psychiatrist

00:19:49or even a C student to be like,

00:19:52well, yeah, that guy's fucking crazy.

00:19:53Of course he knew that.

00:19:54Like, he's photogenically insane.

00:20:00You can diagnose mental illness

00:20:03off of any picture ever taken of him

00:20:05because he has that crazy stare

00:20:07where he's looking at you

00:20:08like he's trying to solve a very tough math equation

00:20:10that's been carved into the back of your skull.

00:20:14Right?

00:20:14That guy can get a gun

00:20:15because in almost every state,

00:20:19you can get,

00:20:20you don't have to pass any kind of test

00:20:21to get a gun permit.

00:20:23No kind of mental competency test.

00:20:25But you do have to pass a test

00:20:26in every single state

00:20:27to get a moped license.

00:20:31Just think about that for a second.

00:20:33That's the priority.

00:20:34Apparently mopeds are the real threat, you guys.

00:20:37We can't give out moped licenses willy-nilly.

00:20:40We start doing that.

00:20:42Eventually, one of those people

00:20:43is going to kind of slowly run over another person.

00:20:46That's a risk we can't take.

00:20:51I want to write the mental health test for guns.

00:20:54I'd have normal hunter safety stuff

00:20:56most of the time

00:20:57and then every seventh, eighth question

00:20:58I'd have a wild card

00:20:59just to weed out nuts.

00:21:01Just something like,

00:21:02how many times do you think it's okay

00:21:03to shoot your neighbors

00:21:04for playing lawn darts

00:21:05too aggressively on a Tuesday afternoon?

00:21:08And if you answer C

00:21:10as many times as the devil told me

00:21:11to keep kittens from drowning

00:21:12in the black hole sun,

00:21:13well, guess what?

00:21:14You don't get a shotgun permit ever.

00:21:17You're off.

00:21:18You're off the shotgun list.

00:21:19If you're that crazy,

00:21:25I think you should be fine

00:21:25with a misdemeanor

00:21:26for even calling shotgun

00:21:27to get into a car.

00:21:31No tolerance for that.

00:21:35If I was serious about this issue,

00:21:36I wouldn't just joke around, though.

00:21:38I should make videos.

00:21:39That's how you reach people now

00:21:40is YouTube.

00:21:41Make a video.

00:21:42Hope it goes viral.

00:21:44I should make a video

00:21:46establishing that I'm completely

00:21:47out of my mind out in public

00:21:48and then immediately

00:21:50after establishing that,

00:21:51just buy a whole bunch of guns.

00:21:53That'd be a good video.

00:21:55I could make it here in Salt Lake.

00:21:57I know exactly where I'd make it

00:21:58here in Salt Lake.

00:21:59Shields Sporting Goods.

00:22:04I'd make it there

00:22:05because they have a giant

00:22:06indoor Ferris wheel

00:22:07next to the gun section.

00:22:08No other rides,

00:22:08no explanation.

00:22:09I don't understand it at all,

00:22:14but I like it.

00:22:17I was thinking

00:22:17I could make a video

00:22:18of just me doing stuff

00:22:19in the Shields.

00:22:20Like I could ride that Ferris wheel

00:22:22around and around

00:22:23for eight hours in a row

00:22:24by myself

00:22:25if I want to,

00:22:26if I want to buy

00:22:26that many tickets.

00:22:28It's weird,

00:22:29but it's not illegal.

00:22:31While I ride it

00:22:32around and around,

00:22:33I could also mumble creepy shit.

00:22:35That's my right.

00:22:37I could laugh

00:22:37at my creepy mumblings.

00:22:39I could even point

00:22:39at uncomfortable

00:22:40but non-threatening fashion

00:22:42to other people

00:22:43in that store.

00:22:44Just around and around.

00:22:46I like Battleship.

00:22:47I do.

00:22:47When I'm always mumble,

00:22:48sometimes you don't have

00:22:49enough time to finish the game.

00:22:50You look beautiful for a man.

00:22:51No.

00:22:52Yes.

00:22:52I don't know.

00:22:53Maybe.

00:22:53Ha ha.

00:22:54Shit.

00:22:54You know,

00:22:54things happen.

00:23:0020 minutes of that.

00:23:01Every employee in that store

00:23:03is nervous as shit,

00:23:04but they have to sell me

00:23:04a shotgun.

00:23:06I get to wave it around

00:23:09when I leave.

00:23:14I'd get people's attention.

00:23:17I've definitely

00:23:17taken this far enough.

00:23:22What if that first video

00:23:22doesn't go viral, though?

00:23:23I put a lot of time

00:23:24and energy into that.

00:23:26I've already thought

00:23:27of a potential second video.

00:23:29I'm sorry, animal lovers,

00:23:30but to make this next video work,

00:23:31I am going to have to kill

00:23:32one of God's creatures,

00:23:34and I'm going to have

00:23:35to do it brutally.

00:23:37I'm going to have

00:23:37to kill a squirrel,

00:23:38and ironically,

00:23:38I can't shoot it

00:23:39because that in his torso

00:23:40would remain intact

00:23:40for the visual

00:23:41I want to present.

00:23:44To make this next video work,

00:23:45I am going to have to catch

00:23:46and choke a squirrel to death,

00:23:47which is going to be tricky.

00:23:50It's not going to be easy.

00:23:51They're fast,

00:23:52and they've got tiny necks.

00:23:52I know that.

00:23:54But I believe in myself.

00:23:57It's probably legal

00:23:58to choke out a squirrel,

00:23:59but it's probably

00:24:01not very illegal.

00:24:03It's probably a misdemeanor.

00:24:04Probably have to pay a fine.

00:24:05Probably get to keep

00:24:05my dead squirrel.

00:24:06I earned it.

00:24:10God knows I earned it.

00:24:13I need it.

00:24:14I need to make an incision

00:24:15above its tail

00:24:15for this video to work,

00:24:18and then I need to run

00:24:18these two fingers

00:24:19up its back

00:24:21between hide...

00:24:21No, you take this joke.

00:24:23I need to run

00:24:24these fingers

00:24:25up its back

00:24:26between hide and flesh

00:24:28and turn it

00:24:29into a dead squirrel puppet.

00:24:32And then me

00:24:33and my dead squirrel puppet

00:24:34are going to ride

00:24:34that Ferris wheel

00:24:35at Shields

00:24:35for several hours.

00:24:39Sometimes we get along,

00:24:39sometimes we fight.

00:24:42And then I'm going to

00:24:43make my dead squirrel puppet

00:24:44by a gun

00:24:45on behalf of the two of us.

00:24:47Because you can't stop me.

00:24:48Go ahead.

00:24:48Run background checks.

00:24:49Neither one of us

00:24:50are felons.

00:24:50One of us does have

00:24:53a criminal record

00:24:53which largely involves

00:24:54killing the other one.

00:24:55Let's not talk about it.

00:24:57He can hear you

00:24:58in my mind.

00:25:03I've definitely

00:25:03taken this far enough.

00:25:08That's why this is

00:25:08the last video.

00:25:10This is the last video.

00:25:11Even if you hated

00:25:12this piece up until now,

00:25:14you're going to be like,

00:25:14I'm glad he went that far.

00:25:17And if this next video

00:25:18doesn't work,

00:25:19then I just,

00:25:19I give up.

00:25:20For this last video,

00:25:22I'm going to have to

00:25:22kill two creatures.

00:25:24I've thought about it.

00:25:25I'm going to have to

00:25:25catch and choke a squirrel.

00:25:26And I'm also going to

00:25:27have to catch and choke

00:25:28a chipmunk to death,

00:25:29which is harder

00:25:30because they're just as fast

00:25:30from my observance.

00:25:32Tinier neck.

00:25:36Probably a pinch technique.

00:25:37I haven't worked out

00:25:37the full deets.

00:25:40Probably the same amount

00:25:41of illegal.

00:25:43I pay two fines.

00:25:44I have two dead rodents

00:25:45to do with what I wish.

00:25:45What I wish to do

00:25:48is make an incision

00:25:49above each tail.

00:25:51And this is where

00:25:52it gets fun for everyone.

00:25:53And then what I'm going to do

00:25:54is I'm going to run my fingers

00:25:55up the squirrel's back.

00:25:56And then incredibly,

00:25:57I am going to find out a way

00:25:59to run the squirrel's fingers

00:26:00up the chipmunk's back.

00:26:03Just holding it in place

00:26:04with crazy glue,

00:26:05which is effective

00:26:06and name appropriate.

00:26:07Now, majestically,

00:26:09I have a dead squirrel puppet

00:26:11that has a dead chipmunk puppet.

00:26:14The three of us

00:26:15ride that Ferris wheel

00:26:16right here in Salt Lake City

00:26:17as a trifecta

00:26:18of insanity and freedom.

00:26:25The squirrel and I

00:26:26get along famously.

00:26:27Both of us hate the chipmunk

00:26:28because he's a new guy

00:26:29and he's going to pay

00:26:30his goddamn deuce.

00:26:33And then I'm going to

00:26:34make a dead squirrel

00:26:35make a dead chipmunk

00:26:36by gun on behalf

00:26:37of the two of us,

00:26:38which is unnecessary

00:26:39and very creepy

00:26:40and also pretty impressive

00:26:42act of ventriloquism

00:26:43if you think about it.

00:26:45Let's talk about talent

00:26:46for a second.

00:26:47In order to pull off

00:26:48that visual,

00:26:49I have to move my lips

00:26:50a little bit,

00:26:50but not too much.

00:26:52While at the same time

00:26:53moving the squirrel's lips

00:26:54a little bit,

00:26:55not too much.

00:26:57While at the same time

00:26:59moving the chipmunk's lips

00:27:00more than the other

00:27:02two pairs of lips.

00:27:04And if I did that,

00:27:05you would be nauseous

00:27:06and probably dizzy

00:27:07but you would fucking

00:27:08respect me

00:27:09as a performer.

00:27:11And I'm not sure

00:27:12what I'm talking about

00:27:13anymore.

00:27:18If you learn nothing else

00:27:19from that last piece,

00:27:20it's a,

00:27:21I probably shouldn't

00:27:21be allowed to have a gun.

00:27:29I talk about a lot

00:27:30of crazy stuff.

00:27:31I think about

00:27:31normal stuff too

00:27:33though.

00:27:33I think about good stuff.

00:27:35Like I was thinking

00:27:35about how nice it is

00:27:36to be alive today.

00:27:38Like I really actually

00:27:38do believe

00:27:39that we have it

00:27:40the best

00:27:40right now,

00:27:422015,

00:27:42that humanity

00:27:43has ever had it.

00:27:45In the history

00:27:45of human beings,

00:27:46it's the best right now.

00:27:47Most education,

00:27:49right?

00:27:49Most freedom,

00:27:50most technology,

00:27:51pretty good.

00:27:52But yet some people,

00:27:53you'll hear them complain

00:27:54and act like they would

00:27:55rather live in the past.

00:27:56My dad's one of these people.

00:27:58My dad actually thinks

00:27:59he would be happier

00:28:00in the Wild West

00:28:01than he would be today.

00:28:04He goes out

00:28:04these weird tirades

00:28:05where he convinces himself.

00:28:06He's like,

00:28:06no, I'm serious.

00:28:08Go ahead.

00:28:08You can make fun of me.

00:28:09You can make,

00:28:09go ahead, Danny.

00:28:10Make fun of me.

00:28:10If I could push a button,

00:28:11hell yes,

00:28:12I'd go back.

00:28:13I've thought about it.

00:28:14Late 1800s,

00:28:15Montana,

00:28:16Wyoming.

00:28:17I'm a simple man.

00:28:17I don't need Twitter,

00:28:18twatter,

00:28:19and all this dumb bullshit.

00:28:20I don't even like computers.

00:28:23Right?

00:28:23You just give me 40 acres,

00:28:24God's country,

00:28:25gun,

00:28:26and a good woman.

00:28:27That's all I'd need

00:28:27if I could.

00:28:29Well,

00:28:29if I could,

00:28:30I'd force you to go back to school

00:28:31until you stopped saying shit like that.

00:28:35A lot of ignorance

00:28:36just came out of your mouth.

00:28:38I get the fantasy.

00:28:39He'd be happy

00:28:40if he'd been born back then.

00:28:42Right?

00:28:42It'd be nice

00:28:42if he didn't know any better.

00:28:43Probably be great

00:28:44in a lot of ways.

00:28:45But you wouldn't be happy

00:28:46going back

00:28:46because we've grown accustomed

00:28:48to things getting better

00:28:49that we don't even think of.

00:28:50we take for granted.

00:28:51Like in his example,

00:28:53there were no good women

00:28:54in the 1800s

00:28:55by today's

00:28:57incredible woman standards

00:28:59for a lot of reasons,

00:29:01starting with showers.

00:29:04Showers had not been invented yet.

00:29:06Not one 19th century woman

00:29:08had taken a single hot shower

00:29:10with loofah

00:29:10and decent antibacterial soap

00:29:12in her entire filthy,

00:29:13disgusting life,

00:29:14and that's a nightmare.

00:29:15So gross.

00:29:20Right?

00:29:21Different grooming standards.

00:29:22We take Brazilian waxes

00:29:23for granted now.

00:29:23Back then,

00:29:24they didn't even have

00:29:24disposable razors.

00:29:26Put that together

00:29:27with the previous thing I said.

00:29:28Is that a jungle

00:29:32you really want to explore?

00:29:35Mm-mm.

00:29:35No.

00:29:36You're not that brave, Cortez.

00:29:45Right?

00:29:45Sex would have been bad.

00:29:46Sex was taboo

00:29:47unless it was the missionary position

00:29:48for procreation.

00:29:50You had to be married.

00:29:51There was no reliable

00:29:52birth control.

00:29:54Right?

00:29:54No, my God.

00:29:55That'd be horrible

00:29:56going back.

00:29:57Right?

00:29:58There weren't good women.

00:29:59There were dirty,

00:30:00hairy women

00:30:00who hated sex

00:30:01and always got pregnant

00:30:02and that sounds like

00:30:03a nightmare.

00:30:06If I walked out

00:30:07of a time machine

00:30:07in the late 1800s

00:30:08in some strange

00:30:09hypothetical situation,

00:30:11I hope I would have

00:30:11the fortitude

00:30:12to cut my own dick off

00:30:13as a preventative measure

00:30:14before I became desperate.

00:30:19I wouldn't want to go back

00:30:20because of medicine.

00:30:21I'm a hypochondriac.

00:30:22I love doctors so much.

00:30:24I love Western medicine.

00:30:26Like, I'm one of those people,

00:30:27I know it's annoying,

00:30:29but a couple times a year,

00:30:30every year,

00:30:31I feel some weird stuff

00:30:32in my body

00:30:32and I go to WebMD

00:30:34and I find out

00:30:35how I'm going to die quickly.

00:30:37I'll have like

00:30:38three headaches in a week.

00:30:39I'll do a little bit of research.

00:30:40I'm like,

00:30:41spine tumors.

00:30:41Okay.

00:30:42I don't know how many I have,

00:30:43but I know that I have them.

00:30:43That's great.

00:30:44That's just great.

00:30:46I read one webpage

00:30:47and now I know what I have.

00:30:48I'll even do things

00:30:50that would clearly trigger symptoms

00:30:51but not put it together

00:30:52because I panic.

00:30:53I'll have like three Red Bulls

00:30:55and my skin will tingle

00:30:56and my hand will shake.

00:30:57I'm like,

00:30:57fucking Luke Gehrig's disease.

00:30:58Are you kidding me?

00:31:01How long have I had it?

00:31:05I start thinking about a will

00:31:06and how my kids are going to grow up

00:31:07without a father.

00:31:09All right,

00:31:10but then I go to a doctor

00:31:10and he's like,

00:31:11no, you're just stupid.

00:31:11That's the only thing you suffer from.

00:31:14I'm like,

00:31:14I like you.

00:31:15I like you, doctor.

00:31:16I was thinking about

00:31:19how lucky we are to have doctors.

00:31:20Like again,

00:31:20in my dad's situation,

00:31:21there were no doctors

00:31:22in the Wild West,

00:31:23not by today's standards.

00:31:25There were just men

00:31:26who referred to themselves

00:31:27as doctors.

00:31:29Men with a very limited

00:31:30understanding of science

00:31:31who had whiskey

00:31:33for anesthetic,

00:31:35cocaine-based laudanum

00:31:36for antibiotics

00:31:36and a saw

00:31:37instead of,

00:31:38oh, I don't know,

00:31:39proper medical tools.

00:31:41That's not what I consider

00:31:42a doctor.

00:31:43That's a butcher with drugs.

00:31:44I feel like

00:31:45every doctor's appointment

00:31:46back then

00:31:47was like a scene

00:31:47out of some

00:31:48Eli Roth

00:31:49torture porn

00:31:49horror movie.

00:31:51Just some creepy

00:31:51just...

00:31:53Got some bad news

00:31:56for you.

00:31:58I'm not going to be able

00:31:59to get the bullet

00:31:59out of y'all.

00:32:01So, uh,

00:32:02I'm going to go ahead

00:32:02and I'm going to cut

00:32:03your arm off.

00:32:05Nurse, whiskey,

00:32:06laudanum, salt.

00:32:07Okay, all right.

00:32:10I'm a doctor.

00:32:10A lot of hard blinks

00:32:14back then,

00:32:14a lot of weird

00:32:15lizard tongue action.

00:32:17I've watched

00:32:18a lot of bad westerns.

00:32:23I wouldn't learn anything

00:32:24if I had to go back

00:32:25in time.

00:32:26Right?

00:32:27I'd be too spoiled.

00:32:29We learn so easily now.

00:32:31Like, I remember

00:32:31when I used to have

00:32:32to get dressed to learn.

00:32:34Do you remember

00:32:34those days?

00:32:36When I was younger,

00:32:37I know this sounds crazy,

00:32:38when I was younger,

00:32:40if I wanted to acquire

00:32:41new knowledge,

00:32:43I had to put on clothing.

00:32:45I had to eat

00:32:46to fuel myself

00:32:47for a physical journey

00:32:48to a different place.

00:32:49I had to brave elements.

00:32:51I had to touch books

00:32:52that were gross

00:32:52and smelled weird.

00:32:55I had to work

00:32:56for knowledge.

00:32:58Right?

00:32:58Now, if you want

00:32:58to learn anything,

00:32:59you can be naked

00:33:00in your basement

00:33:00as long as you have Wi-Fi.

00:33:02Just learning away.

00:33:04What are you doing

00:33:05down there, Dan?

00:33:05I'm trying to learn

00:33:06some stuff!

00:33:08I'm researching!

00:33:14It's amazing

00:33:14what we can learn.

00:33:15I wanted to know

00:33:15about azithromycin

00:33:16when it was invented

00:33:18because that's what

00:33:18I take when I get sick

00:33:19because I'm allergic

00:33:20to penicillin,

00:33:21at least in my head.

00:33:23There's never been

00:33:24an official diagnosis,

00:33:25but I'm pretty sure

00:33:25I'm allergic to penicillin.

00:33:27That's what my doctor

00:33:28gives me is a Z-Pak.

00:33:30Right?

00:33:31That's all I get,

00:33:31actually, from my doctor.

00:33:32I think 15 years

00:33:32of doctor's visits,

00:33:33all I get is Z-Paks.

00:33:34Sometimes his job

00:33:35doesn't seem harder

00:33:36than the Wild West

00:33:36doctor's job.

00:33:38It feels pretty easy

00:33:39from my point of view.

00:33:40Just, oh,

00:33:40sore throat, huh?

00:33:41Okay, I'll get you a Z-Pak.

00:33:42That'll take care of that.

00:33:43Leg cramps.

00:33:44Z-Pak.

00:33:45Knock it out.

00:33:47Rectal bleeding.

00:33:48That sounds serious.

00:33:51Why don't we stick

00:33:51a Z-Pak in your ass?

00:33:54Reckon it can't hurt.

00:33:57Nurse!

00:33:58Whiskey!

00:33:58Love them!

00:33:58Z-Pak!

00:34:04Zithromycin went on

00:34:05the market in 1984.

00:34:06I learned that

00:34:0730 seconds after

00:34:08wanting to know that.

00:34:09And I learned it

00:34:10not knowing

00:34:11how to spell

00:34:12Zithromycin.

00:34:13We live in an age

00:34:15where we can learn

00:34:15very quickly

00:34:16about things

00:34:17we can't spell.

00:34:18That's pretty incredible.

00:34:20Like, I just got

00:34:21my phone out.

00:34:22I just,

00:34:22I typed in A

00:34:23and the Z.

00:34:23I was pretty confident

00:34:24about the first two letters

00:34:25and then I got

00:34:26pretty loosey-goosey

00:34:26after that.

00:34:28And I didn't try hard

00:34:29because I didn't need to.

00:34:30I just kept hitting buttons

00:34:31knowing eventually

00:34:32Google will be like,

00:34:33did you mean

00:34:34Zithromycin?

00:34:36Ha ha ha!

00:34:37Yes!

00:34:39You are one

00:34:40hell of a detective,

00:34:41Google.

00:34:43Who knew it didn't

00:34:44have a comma

00:34:44or three Zs?

00:34:45Okay.

00:34:46Okay.

00:34:47Now take me to Wikipedia

00:34:47so I can learn

00:34:48some facts, please.

00:34:54I'm getting married

00:35:02later this year

00:35:03which is pretty exciting.

00:35:05Thanks.

00:35:05Oh, thanks you guys.

00:35:08Don't do it.

00:35:09I know.

00:35:10It's always,

00:35:10I love that the guy

00:35:11who yells don't do it

00:35:12is sitting with

00:35:12the beautiful woman

00:35:13who just slapped him

00:35:14after saying that.

00:35:16I love how dumb we are.

00:35:18We never learn.

00:35:20Now life's better

00:35:21with her in it.

00:35:22Life is definitely better.

00:35:23More confusing.

00:35:24Life is less confusing

00:35:25when you're alone

00:35:25for sure.

00:35:27Like I live in a house now

00:35:28full of a lot of

00:35:28mixed signals I feel like.

00:35:31Like one thing I can't,

00:35:32one thing I just don't understand,

00:35:33like one thing Lindsay does

00:35:34is she will lecture me

00:35:36pretty often

00:35:37about eating healthier.

00:35:38She feels like

00:35:38I should eat healthier.

00:35:40Which would come across

00:35:41as more genuine

00:35:41if she wasn't also

00:35:43constantly baking me

00:35:44delicious treats.

00:35:46Like why would you

00:35:47do both of those things?

00:35:48I realize they represent

00:35:49competing instincts

00:35:50inside of her.

00:35:51Part of her does want me

00:35:52to be very healthy

00:35:52so I can live a long time

00:35:53and she has a smaller chance

00:35:55of dying alone.

00:35:57Right?

00:35:57That's the sad truth underneath.

00:35:58But another part of her

00:36:00wants to fatten me up

00:36:01just enough

00:36:02so that no other woman

00:36:03will love me.

00:36:06She feels threatened.

00:36:09It's very strange though.

00:36:10She'll make like

00:36:11one of my favorite dishes,

00:36:12like some like

00:36:13chocolate chip cookies

00:36:14or something.

00:36:14I'll start eating them

00:36:15and then she'll say

00:36:16shitty things to me.

00:36:18She'll be like,

00:36:18again, what are you doing?

00:36:20Seriously,

00:36:21how many of those

00:36:21are you going to have

00:36:22today?

00:36:25I was going for

00:36:27all of them.

00:36:29I'm sorry,

00:36:30I thought these were

00:36:30fresh out of the oven

00:36:31delicious cookies.

00:36:33I didn't realize

00:36:34you would bake me

00:36:35shame biscuits

00:36:35and guilt wafers.

00:36:36I feel like a lot

00:36:47of our relationship

00:36:47is her leading me

00:36:48in one direction,

00:36:50me trying to act reasonably

00:36:51and then her being

00:36:52surprised and upset.

00:36:55Like this is one thing

00:36:56she does all the time.

00:36:57She'll come to bed

00:36:57completely naked,

00:36:59totally naked

00:37:00with the expectation

00:37:01of cuddling

00:37:01and then be shocked

00:37:03and irritated

00:37:03when she is instead

00:37:04groped and sexually harassed.

00:37:06I'm sorry

00:37:14that no one

00:37:14told you how

00:37:15life works.

00:37:18As it turns out

00:37:19when you rub

00:37:20a naked ass

00:37:21against a naked dick

00:37:22the dick begins

00:37:25to form certain

00:37:25expectations

00:37:26as how the current

00:37:29situation may twist

00:37:30into its favor.

00:37:33Takes a couple shots,

00:37:34you know?

00:37:34It's like that old

00:37:36saying,

00:37:37don't wake the bear.

00:37:40Don't wake the bear

00:37:41you guys

00:37:41or the bear is

00:37:42bears can try

00:37:44and fuck you.

00:37:50What if that

00:37:51was an old saying?

00:37:53What a weird

00:37:54old saying

00:37:54that would be.

00:37:55especially if it was

00:37:57about literal bears.

00:38:00Can you imagine

00:38:01if we lived in a world

00:38:02where bears never

00:38:02wanted to kill us

00:38:03but they always

00:38:04wanted to fuck us?

00:38:08How much tension

00:38:10that would add

00:38:11to hunting

00:38:11and camping.

00:38:15You'd make for

00:38:16the weirdest news stories

00:38:17like, you know,

00:38:18your buddy gets lost

00:38:19in Yellowstone

00:38:20for two weeks

00:38:21finally staggers

00:38:23back to civilization.

00:38:30Randy, what happened?

00:38:31I've been getting

00:38:31fucked by bears!

00:38:34I've been in a cave

00:38:35for two weeks

00:38:36living on salmon

00:38:38and a little bit

00:38:39of blueberries

00:38:39and a lot

00:38:41of bear fucking!

00:38:44Now load my gun

00:38:45while I take

00:38:45a hot bath

00:38:46and we're never

00:38:46going to talk

00:38:46about this again.

00:38:53That's the kind

00:38:54of stuff I think

00:38:54about all the time.

00:39:01I complain

00:39:02about Lindsay

00:39:02but I do have a good

00:39:04we don't argue

00:39:04very much

00:39:05you know,

00:39:06it's pretty even.

00:39:06When we do

00:39:07it's usually

00:39:07communication stuff

00:39:08that's every couple.

00:39:10Every couple

00:39:10has communication stuff.

00:39:12Like our main argument

00:39:13is that she feels

00:39:14like I don't listen

00:39:15enough to her

00:39:16and I don't care

00:39:18about that.

00:39:20I don't.

00:39:23I could listen more.

00:39:24I know I could.

00:39:25I could definitely

00:39:25work on more

00:39:26effective listening

00:39:27and I will

00:39:28when she works

00:39:29on telling

00:39:29better shorter stories.

00:39:37Like why is it

00:39:38always the listener's

00:39:38fault?

00:39:39That makes no sense.

00:39:42People love

00:39:42a good story.

00:39:43People love

00:39:43to hear a good story.

00:39:45If someone doesn't

00:39:46love your stories

00:39:46well guess what?

00:39:47You're no Stephen King

00:39:48my friend.

00:39:49Let's tighten it up.

00:39:50Less details.

00:39:51More action.

00:39:52A little resolution

00:39:52here and there.

00:39:54She's always asking me

00:39:55are you even listening?

00:39:56No, of course not.

00:39:58Come on.

00:39:58You've been talking

00:39:59for over 25 minutes

00:40:00about a female co-worker

00:40:01I've never met

00:40:03having problems

00:40:04I don't even care about.

00:40:05If this was a channel

00:40:07I would change it

00:40:0725 minutes ago

00:40:08for sure.

00:40:10Definitely.

00:40:16Just

00:40:16some people like to talk

00:40:17some people don't.

00:40:18I don't like small talk

00:40:19I just don't like it.

00:40:21I don't understand

00:40:22people who do

00:40:22I really don't.

00:40:23I'm like why

00:40:23are you just talking

00:40:24just to hear yourself

00:40:25in another voice.

00:40:27Luckily Lindsay

00:40:28has friends

00:40:28who like to talk

00:40:29as much as she does

00:40:29so it works out.

00:40:30Like her friend Natasha

00:40:31her and Natasha

00:40:32talk on the phone

00:40:33every day

00:40:34for up to three hours

00:40:35and they enjoy it.

00:40:37If I've been on the phone

00:40:38for up to three hours

00:40:39stay away from me

00:40:40because I'm very close

00:40:40to murder.

00:40:43I've been on hold

00:40:44for at least two hours

00:40:44and 45 minutes

00:40:45and I just want

00:40:47my hard drive

00:40:47to work again.

00:40:50One time they talked

00:40:51for three hours

00:40:52in the morning

00:40:52after already having

00:40:53talked the night before

00:40:54and so I assumed

00:40:55that Natasha

00:40:55was probably dying

00:40:56quickly

00:40:56because why else

00:40:58would you talk

00:40:59that long

00:40:59after you just talked

00:41:00and so I'm like

00:41:01what's going on

00:41:02with Natasha

00:41:02and she's like

00:41:03nothing

00:41:03I'm like

00:41:03why are you talking

00:41:04so much

00:41:04she's like

00:41:05what do you care

00:41:05I'm like

00:41:06what are you talking

00:41:07about

00:41:07she's like

00:41:08what do you care

00:41:08what does it matter

00:41:09I'm like

00:41:10how could you talk

00:41:11for that long

00:41:11you haven't been awake

00:41:12long enough

00:41:13to mathematically

00:41:14have enough

00:41:15new subject matter

00:41:16to even dissect

00:41:17since the previous

00:41:18conversation

00:41:18what are you

00:41:20just hitting highlights

00:41:20of previous conversations

00:41:22just putting a montage

00:41:22together

00:41:23I don't get it

00:41:25because I'm the kind

00:41:25of person

00:41:26I didn't talk

00:41:26to my best friend

00:41:27from college

00:41:27for several years

00:41:28we finally connect

00:41:3015 minutes

00:41:31we were straight

00:41:31we were good

00:41:32we were both happy

00:41:34right where we left off

00:41:35our conversation

00:41:36was so brief

00:41:37it actually upset

00:41:38Lindsay

00:41:38she was irritated

00:41:39she's like

00:41:40how could he even

00:41:41be your friend

00:41:41how can you even

00:41:42call him your friend

00:41:43what do you know

00:41:43about him

00:41:44what do you know

00:41:44about his wife

00:41:45what do you know

00:41:46about his kids

00:41:46I was like

00:41:47I don't know

00:41:48we don't talk

00:41:48about stupid

00:41:48shit like that

00:41:49we keep it light

00:41:53and fun

00:41:53we keep it moving

00:41:54I don't know details

00:41:57I do know

00:41:58his family is alive

00:41:58and well

00:41:59thank you very much

00:41:59I know Paul

00:42:01if his entire family

00:42:02was dead

00:42:02he would have said

00:42:03something at some point

00:42:04it would have

00:42:06definitely come up

00:42:06I don't want you

00:42:10to feel like

00:42:10I'm just picking

00:42:11on her randomly

00:42:11either just making

00:42:12this stuff up

00:42:12I don't do that

00:42:14I want to play

00:42:15voicemail for you

00:42:16to show you

00:42:17what I'm talking

00:42:17about

00:42:18I love her

00:42:24but my god

00:42:24this particular

00:42:27voicemail

00:42:27I'm going to

00:42:28talk about

00:42:29she is leaving

00:42:30me a message

00:42:31about a dinner

00:42:32that she is going

00:42:33to that I am

00:42:34not going to

00:42:34that she's already

00:42:36told me about

00:42:36at least five times

00:42:37so my interest

00:42:39in this subject

00:42:40pretty low

00:42:40pretty rock bottom

00:42:43she's going

00:42:44with this guy

00:42:44named Brad

00:42:45just the two of them

00:42:46normally I wouldn't

00:42:46like that

00:42:46I'm out of town

00:42:47she's going to dinner

00:42:49with some other dude

00:42:49but I've met Brad

00:42:50he's a nice guy

00:42:51he's a co-worker

00:42:53he's married

00:42:53a couple kids

00:42:54and this probably

00:42:55shouldn't be important

00:42:56but it's very important

00:42:57to me

00:42:57when I met Brad

00:42:59I realized immediately

00:43:01that he's a lot

00:43:02shorter than me

00:43:03and he has less hair

00:43:04and he's weaker

00:43:04looking physically

00:43:05I knew that I would

00:43:08destroy him

00:43:08in a physical battle

00:43:09he's a small

00:43:11waifish man

00:43:12with an especially

00:43:12skinny neck

00:43:13and I remember

00:43:15that neck detail

00:43:16because when I saw him

00:43:17I had a weird fantasy

00:43:17that if he wasn't

00:43:18paying attention

00:43:19and I got a running start

00:43:20I thought I could

00:43:21probably punch his head

00:43:21off his neck

00:43:22like a dandelion

00:43:25kind of thing

00:43:25and it gives me

00:43:28great comfort

00:43:28and they can have

00:43:30girls night

00:43:30whenever they want

00:43:31you know

00:43:31so here's the

00:43:35voicemail I get

00:43:36okay we're only

00:43:43four seconds in

00:43:44but I want to

00:43:44address a few things

00:43:45so far

00:43:52you've heard two things

00:43:53and I like to think

00:43:54that as reasonable adults

00:43:55you can agree

00:43:55that both of them

00:43:56were completely unnecessary

00:43:57like I'm not trying

00:43:59to be a dick

00:43:59but she's definitely

00:44:00definitely wasted

00:44:01objectively

00:44:02four seconds of my life

00:44:03so far

00:44:04for sure

00:44:05hey baby

00:44:09it's just me

00:44:09yeah

00:44:10sure is

00:44:11you know

00:44:13incredibly

00:44:13I knew that

00:44:14before ever listening

00:44:15to this voicemail

00:44:15because you left it

00:44:16on what's referred to

00:44:17as a cell phone

00:44:17where your name

00:44:19is assigned

00:44:20to each and every

00:44:20voicemail you leave

00:44:21that name is currently

00:44:24in the favorite section

00:44:25we're going to

00:44:25reevaluate that

00:44:26let me rethink that

00:44:28and you're right

00:44:32it's exactly 440

00:44:33because that's what

00:44:34time the voicemail says

00:44:35because all of them

00:44:35are time stamped

00:44:36since the beginning

00:44:36of voicemail technology

00:44:37so great job

00:44:39two for two on facts

00:44:40100% accuracy

00:44:42so far

00:44:42on things I don't care about

00:44:43and she gets into it

00:44:48I've heard this voicemail

00:45:17a lot of times

00:45:18and it still legitimately

00:45:18upsets me

00:45:19why would I possibly care

00:45:24how Brad is getting

00:45:25to a dinner

00:45:26I'm not going to

00:45:27am I going to be relieved

00:45:29knowing Brad's route

00:45:30to this dinner

00:45:31he is

00:45:32he is taking the 405

00:45:33thank Christ

00:45:35thank Christ

00:45:35I didn't want to say anything

00:45:37but I couldn't sleep last night

00:45:38I couldn't sleep

00:45:39I just kept laying there

00:45:41just tossing and turning

00:45:42just thinking

00:45:42how the fuck is Brad

00:45:43getting to dinner tomorrow

00:45:44I hope he takes the 405

00:45:46because that's definitely

00:45:47the best route

00:45:48I don't care

00:45:51I don't care

00:45:52I would only care

00:45:55if his journey was amazing

00:45:56and significant

00:45:57and a good piece of story

00:45:58you know like

00:45:59definitely tell me

00:46:00if it's something like

00:46:00hey babe

00:46:01Brad and I are going to dinner

00:46:02as I told you

00:46:03but he was able to

00:46:04pick up a couple

00:46:05nuclear powered jet packs

00:46:06and a friend of his

00:46:08opened Rift

00:46:08in the space time continuum

00:46:09and we are going to have

00:46:11dinner in New Orleans

00:46:12in 1873

00:46:13and I would be like

00:46:15you are full of shit

00:46:16but thank you for that

00:46:17thank you for making that

00:46:19bearable

00:46:20I appreciate that effort

00:46:21yeah

00:46:23no

00:46:23it's not done

00:46:24I'm not going to play you the rest

00:46:44because it goes on

00:46:44for quite some time

00:46:45and I can tell

00:46:45that some of you

00:46:46are getting genuinely

00:46:46irritated yourselves

00:46:47I do love Lindsay

00:46:53by the way

00:46:53I just feel like

00:46:54I love her the most

00:46:55when she's sound asleep

00:46:56so pretty

00:47:00so pretty

00:47:01so quiet

00:47:02right

00:47:03she's the person

00:47:04I fell in love with

00:47:05the person I didn't know

00:47:06isn't that

00:47:08isn't that how love works

00:47:09the person you want them to be

00:47:13she's great

00:47:15I tease her

00:47:17I definitely need to work

00:47:18on my own communication stuff

00:47:19she gets mad at me

00:47:20for not sharing details

00:47:21sometimes

00:47:21like not talking enough

00:47:22and she's right sometimes

00:47:24sometimes I don't

00:47:24I don't share enough

00:47:25she actually

00:47:26I don't know if she's right

00:47:26about this example

00:47:27but she still blames me

00:47:28on our first vacation

00:47:29she blames my lack

00:47:30of giving

00:47:31what were apparently

00:47:32important details

00:47:32for her falling

00:47:34quite hard

00:47:34down an escalator

00:47:35I like that you guys

00:47:38are laughing already

00:47:39that makes

00:47:39makes me feel like

00:47:41I understand you people

00:47:42here's what happened

00:47:44you can decide

00:47:45if it was my fault

00:47:45we flew from LA

00:47:47to San Francisco

00:47:47we're walking to the airport

00:47:49carrying our luggage

00:47:50we run into the first escalator

00:47:51that we're going to take down

00:47:52to the BART transit system

00:47:53going to the city

00:47:54I have my luggage

00:47:55behind me

00:47:56she's behind me

00:47:57with her luggage

00:47:57behind her

00:47:58and then some dude

00:48:00behind the both of us

00:48:00has his luggage

00:48:01and picks it up

00:48:04and just sprints past us

00:48:05and I want to know

00:48:06what that guy's up to

00:48:07it's very weird

00:48:07and strange

00:48:08and I start making

00:48:08assumptions in my brain

00:48:09right

00:48:11and I decide though

00:48:12to share none of those

00:48:13assumptions with Lindsay

00:48:14because I love her

00:48:17but I've just been

00:48:17you heard the voicemail

00:48:18I've been on a plane

00:48:21with her for 75 minutes

00:48:22where I've essentially

00:48:23been a verbal hostage

00:48:24and I'm tired

00:48:26I've been with her

00:48:27for an hour and 15

00:48:28a solid hour and 15

00:48:29of me basically going

00:48:31okay yeah

00:48:32yeah

00:48:34all right

00:48:35oh what

00:48:36yeah okay

00:48:37I have nothing left

00:48:40and I'm empty

00:48:43and I just need

00:48:43two minutes of quiet

00:48:44to rebuild my soul

00:48:45to a level

00:48:46where I can love

00:48:46another human being again

00:48:47and so I keep

00:48:50all these assumptions

00:48:50in my head

00:48:51I'm like where's

00:48:51this guy going

00:48:51why is this guy running

00:48:52oh oh okay

00:48:54he's running to that train

00:48:55it's probably gonna be

00:48:56a long wait for the next train

00:48:57or he wouldn't run

00:48:58I bet those doors

00:48:59are gonna close quick

00:48:59this guy knows

00:49:00what he's doing

00:49:00I like it

00:49:01now I know

00:49:02that we have to get

00:49:03our asses in that train

00:49:04immediately

00:49:04because Lindsay said

00:49:06if we don't make it

00:49:06to our hotel

00:49:07by 8 o'clock

00:49:07and we're already

00:49:08cutting it close

00:49:09we don't even get

00:49:09to go out tonight

00:49:10right

00:49:11so now I know

00:49:12that we have to run

00:49:13to make this train

00:49:14right

00:49:15and we

00:49:15it's gonna be hard

00:49:16we don't get to go out

00:49:17because her feet

00:49:18are killing her

00:49:19and her feet are killing her

00:49:20because she's wearing the boots

00:49:21that she says she wore for me

00:49:22because I think those boots

00:49:22are sexy

00:49:23and I do think those boots

00:49:24are sexy

00:49:24in the bedroom

00:49:25and I fucking hate those boots

00:49:26everywhere else on earth

00:49:27I swear to God

00:49:29every time she puts them on

00:49:3010 minutes in

00:49:30she complains the rest of the night

00:49:31about how much her feet hurt

00:49:32until eventually

00:49:33I feel so much tension

00:49:34in my chest

00:49:35I feel like I need to rip

00:49:35those boots off

00:49:36and beat a stranger

00:49:37before I have a heart attack

00:49:38or aneurysm

00:49:39or some word

00:49:39I don't even know about yet

00:49:40so now I know

00:49:43I have to get my ass

00:49:43and her ass

00:49:44into that train immediately

00:49:45or my whole day

00:49:45is complete shit

00:49:46so I think all of that

00:49:48in a series of flash thoughts

00:49:50over about

00:49:502-3 seconds of real time

00:49:52the rest of the world

00:49:54just sees me going

00:49:54and out of nowhere

00:50:00to her

00:50:01I just go

00:50:01go

00:50:01and I grab my luggage

00:50:02and I run as fast as I can

00:50:03and I assume

00:50:06that she's right behind me

00:50:06I assume

00:50:07that she has also

00:50:08properly assessed

00:50:08the same situation

00:50:09she gets it

00:50:12she's on my team

00:50:13I'm very incorrect

00:50:16I realized later

00:50:20that her life

00:50:20was very different

00:50:21in those moments

00:50:22she did see that guy run

00:50:24because she sees everything

00:50:25because she's at least

00:50:26half hawk

00:50:26but she didn't care

00:50:29about that guy

00:50:29because she also saw

00:50:30something I didn't

00:50:31because I'm not

00:50:31detail orientated

00:50:32she saw a painting

00:50:34up and to the left

00:50:35that she greatly admired

00:50:36and she was busy

00:50:38just enjoying

00:50:39the start of a vacation

00:50:40she was relaxed

00:50:41standing behind

00:50:42what apparently

00:50:42was her tour guide

00:50:43I was to find out later

00:50:44and she was just

00:50:47enjoying the art

00:50:48some nice landscape

00:50:49just busy

00:50:50absorbing details

00:50:51that she would

00:50:52undoubtedly

00:50:52share with me

00:50:53a great length later

00:50:54until I wanted to

00:50:57find that artist compound

00:50:58and burn it

00:50:58to destroy the rest

00:50:59his work

00:51:00and then out

00:51:03of that tranquility

00:51:04it's interrupted

00:51:05by her tour guide

00:51:06just going

00:51:06and trying to run

00:51:07away from her

00:51:08and that scares her

00:51:10and she panics

00:51:11and she tries to run

00:51:12after me

00:51:12with less success

00:51:13I almost get

00:51:15into the train

00:51:15I hear a stranger

00:51:16just yell

00:51:16oh my god

00:51:17which you never

00:51:19want to hear yelled

00:51:19near a train

00:51:20because good news

00:51:20will not follow that

00:51:21no one's going to

00:51:23follow that up with

00:51:23there's so many

00:51:24free puppies here

00:51:25it's free puppy day

00:51:27train

00:51:27no tragedy

00:51:30falls out

00:51:30I look around

00:51:31I see why they've yelled

00:51:32Lindsay has fallen

00:51:34to a degree

00:51:34I still don't

00:51:35fully comprehend

00:51:36somehow

00:51:38she had managed

00:51:39to pull her luggage

00:51:39around her

00:51:40fall over

00:51:41her own luggage

00:51:42she's face down

00:51:45on the metal platform

00:51:46beneath the

00:51:46yes there

00:51:46face

00:51:47on metal

00:51:48body

00:51:49crime scene position

00:51:50luggage

00:51:51and possibly

00:51:52on top of her

00:51:53doesn't look good

00:51:55I'm concerned

00:51:56about her

00:51:56physical health

00:51:57and well-being

00:51:57I would love

00:52:00to tell you

00:52:00that concern

00:52:01was the very

00:52:01first thought

00:52:02I had

00:52:02but you know

00:52:02what

00:52:03you don't get

00:52:03to pick

00:52:03your thoughts

00:52:04in life

00:52:04you can tell

00:52:08yourself

00:52:08that you're

00:52:09a beautiful

00:52:09person

00:52:09who only has

00:52:10beautiful thoughts

00:52:11and you're

00:52:11a fucking liar

00:52:12you don't get

00:52:14to pick

00:52:14your thoughts

00:52:14concern

00:52:15was a very

00:52:16close

00:52:16second thought

00:52:17my first

00:52:19instinctual

00:52:19I can't help

00:52:21a thought

00:52:21was just

00:52:21how the fuck

00:52:22do you fall

00:52:22that way

00:52:23really

00:52:24how do you

00:52:26fall forward

00:52:27as a sober

00:52:28adult

00:52:29and not get

00:52:30at least one

00:52:31hand down

00:52:31to stop your

00:52:32fall

00:52:32she has two

00:52:33arms

00:52:34both work

00:52:35and yet she

00:52:35chose to leave

00:52:36with her face

00:52:36why is she

00:52:38trying to ruin

00:52:39her vacation

00:52:39why is she

00:52:40doing this

00:52:40to me

00:52:41and then I

00:52:46run over

00:52:46to help her

00:52:46to help

00:52:47pick her up

00:52:47incredibly

00:52:47she pops up

00:52:48on her own

00:52:48all she says

00:52:49to me

00:52:50is just

00:52:50get my

00:52:50stuff

00:52:50on the train

00:52:51she's very

00:52:53upset

00:52:54I just want

00:52:54to listen

00:52:54to her

00:52:54at this point

00:52:55I get her

00:52:56stuff

00:52:56in the train

00:52:57my stuff

00:52:57in the train

00:52:58we're both

00:52:58in the train

00:52:58now I want

00:52:59some answers

00:52:59I want to

00:53:01know why

00:53:01this is

00:53:01happening

00:53:02so I can

00:53:03help fix

00:53:04it

00:53:04I start

00:53:05asking

00:53:05questions

00:53:06I'm like

00:53:06baby

00:53:06I didn't

00:53:07see it

00:53:07that's probably

00:53:08one of the

00:53:08worst falls

00:53:09I've ever

00:53:09been around

00:53:09as an adult

00:53:10forget about

00:53:12the hotel

00:53:12let's go

00:53:12to the hospital

00:53:13you're probably

00:53:13bleeding

00:53:14internally

00:53:14right now

00:53:14that couldn't

00:53:15have been

00:53:15good

00:53:15no matter

00:53:16what I say

00:53:17to her

00:53:17all she

00:53:17will say

00:53:18back

00:53:18is

00:53:18stop

00:53:18I don't

00:53:19want to

00:53:19talk

00:53:19about it

00:53:19how ironic

00:53:48the very first

00:53:49time

00:53:49I would like

00:53:50her to be

00:53:50more verbose

00:53:51and that's

00:53:51when she

00:53:51withholds

00:53:52okay

00:53:52and she

00:53:53won't

00:53:54she won't

00:53:54talk

00:53:54but I

00:53:55want to

00:53:55know

00:53:55what's

00:53:55happening

00:53:56so I

00:53:56started

00:53:56scanning

00:53:57her

00:53:57like

00:53:57some

00:53:57primitive

00:53:57doctor

00:53:58because I

00:53:58want to

00:53:58find

00:53:58some

00:53:59wounds

00:53:59start

00:54:00looking

00:54:00through

00:54:00her

00:54:00hair

00:54:00looking

00:54:01for exposed

00:54:02skin

00:54:02it was

00:54:02incredible

00:54:03nasty fall

00:54:04no blood

00:54:05bruise

00:54:06scrape

00:54:06nothing

00:54:07no bump

00:54:08it's like

00:54:09she was

00:54:09Bruce Willis

00:54:10in Unbreakable

00:54:11she was an

00:54:13obscure

00:54:13heavily

00:54:14outdated

00:54:14pop culture

00:54:15reference

00:54:15I refused

00:54:16to let

00:54:16go of

00:54:16out of

00:54:19respect to

00:54:19Bruce

00:54:20in the

00:54:21apex

00:54:21of his

00:54:22career

00:54:22but she

00:54:24was

00:54:24incredible

00:54:25nothing

00:54:25had

00:54:26happened

00:54:26and then

00:54:26once we

00:54:27realize

00:54:27she's

00:54:27somehow

00:54:28okay

00:54:28that's

00:54:29when she

00:54:29starts

00:54:29to

00:54:29weep

00:54:30and I'm

00:54:31not exaggerating

00:54:31that word

00:54:32I'm not

00:54:32talking about

00:54:32teary eyes

00:54:33I'm talking

00:54:33about multiple

00:54:33tears

00:54:34flowing down

00:54:34cheeks

00:54:34and that

00:54:35makes me

00:54:35sad

00:54:35for her

00:54:36makes me

00:54:37feel

00:54:37empathy

00:54:38towards

00:54:38her

00:54:38but

00:54:40just like

00:54:40thoughts

00:54:40you don't

00:54:41get to

00:54:41pick your

00:54:41feelings

00:54:42and emotions

00:54:42in addition

00:54:44to empathy

00:54:45and sadness

00:54:46I also felt

00:54:46frustration

00:54:47and shame

00:54:47and a lot

00:54:48of embarrassment

00:54:48right

00:54:51because she's

00:54:51crying you guys

00:54:52she's weeping

00:54:52like a baby

00:54:53she's a grown up

00:54:54she's not bleeding

00:54:55but she's crying

00:54:56like a baby

00:54:56and I want her

00:54:57to put on her

00:54:58big girl panties

00:54:58soldier up

00:54:59make it back

00:55:01to the hotel

00:55:01and let this out

00:55:02in privacy

00:55:02like a grown up

00:55:03because I hate

00:55:06being around

00:55:06a weeping woman

00:55:07in public

00:55:07it's one of the

00:55:09things I hate

00:55:09most in life

00:55:10because in moments

00:55:10like that

00:55:11people feel sorry

00:55:12for her

00:55:13they feel very

00:55:14differently about me

00:55:15in those moments

00:55:19I'm reminded

00:55:20that apparently

00:55:20I look like

00:55:21the kind of guy

00:55:22who probably

00:55:22beats the shit

00:55:23out of women

00:55:23that's the clear

00:55:26assumption

00:55:26of everyone

00:55:27outside of earshot

00:55:28everyone who can

00:55:29hear me knows

00:55:29the score

00:55:30they hear me

00:55:31saying stuff

00:55:31like baby

00:55:31I think you're

00:55:32hurt

00:55:32I really think

00:55:32okay

00:55:33you're not gonna

00:55:33listen

00:55:33I think you're

00:55:34making a bad

00:55:35decision

00:55:35I think we

00:55:35should go

00:55:35to the hospital

00:55:36alright

00:55:37I can't force

00:55:38you

00:55:38but you're

00:55:39probably bleeding

00:55:39internally

00:55:40I bet you are

00:55:40I bet you

00:55:41I've read some

00:55:42stuff

00:55:42I bet you are

00:55:43alright

00:55:44well you're gonna

00:55:44do what you want

00:55:45then

00:55:45everyone else

00:55:46just sees me

00:55:47looking like me

00:55:48hunched over

00:55:49a petite

00:55:50weeping woman

00:55:50who's just

00:55:51falling down

00:55:51stairs

00:55:52they just

00:55:53see me

00:55:53I know

00:56:02what they think

00:56:02they think

00:56:03I'm saying

00:56:03stuff like

00:56:03that's why

00:56:04I fucking

00:56:04pushed you

00:56:04because you

00:56:05don't listen

00:56:05you don't

00:56:06you don't

00:56:08listen

00:56:08and that's

00:56:09why

00:56:09banana feet

00:56:09takes a

00:56:10shortcut

00:56:10down the

00:56:10magic

00:56:11stairs

00:56:11because you're

00:56:13just like

00:56:13your mother

00:56:14you're just

00:56:14like your

00:56:14mother

00:56:14and apparently

00:56:21all of that

00:56:22was my fault

00:56:22all of that

00:56:24could have

00:56:24been avoided

00:56:24if I just

00:56:26would have

00:56:26mentioned

00:56:27my plan

00:56:28earlier in the

00:56:29evening

00:56:29if I would have

00:56:29shared details

00:56:30and if I could

00:56:32go back in time

00:56:33and tell her

00:56:33what she wanted

00:56:34to hear

00:56:34and make it

00:56:34all better

00:56:35would I do

00:56:35that

00:56:35no

00:56:37absolutely

00:56:37not

00:56:38from my

00:56:40perspective

00:56:41that was the

00:56:41most memorable

00:56:42fun day

00:56:42maybe in our

00:56:43retired relationship

00:56:43I mean pretty

00:56:45good day

00:56:46really

00:56:46it's always a

00:56:46nice day

00:56:46when you're

00:56:47around somebody

00:56:47who has a

00:56:48nasty fall

00:56:49because you

00:56:49get the same

00:56:49adrenaline rush

00:56:50as having

00:56:51a nasty fall

00:56:51yourself

00:56:51none of the

00:56:52pain of a

00:56:53nasty fall

00:56:53and she

00:56:55wasn't bleeding

00:56:55so she wasn't

00:56:56really hurt

00:56:57we did make

00:56:58it to the

00:56:58hotel by

00:56:58eight o'clock

00:56:59almost on the

00:56:59dot

00:57:00go out and

00:57:01have some

00:57:01fun

00:57:01deal's a

00:57:02deal

00:57:02I insisted

00:57:02went out to

00:57:05a nice bar

00:57:06we had a

00:57:06couple drinks

00:57:07ended up

00:57:07having a

00:57:07great time

00:57:08got to

00:57:08go back

00:57:09to the

00:57:09hotel

00:57:09got to

00:57:10have

00:57:10sex

00:57:10with

00:57:10those

00:57:11boots

00:57:11still

00:57:11on

00:57:11and I

00:57:12get to

00:57:12tell this

00:57:12story

00:57:12for the

00:57:13rest

00:57:13of my

00:57:13life

00:57:13so

00:57:14not

00:57:14bad

00:57:14not a

00:57:16bad

00:57:16day

00:57:16it's a

00:57:19good sport

00:57:19one of the

00:57:27things I

00:57:27respect most

00:57:28about her

00:57:28actually

00:57:28is she

00:57:29stepped in

00:57:29I

00:57:30from a

00:57:31previous

00:57:31relationship

00:57:31and she's

00:57:32like a

00:57:32second

00:57:32mom

00:57:32I have

00:57:33a son

00:57:33Kyler

00:57:34who's

00:57:34nine

00:57:34I have

00:57:35a daughter

00:57:35Monroe

00:57:36who's

00:57:36seven

00:57:36they're

00:57:36good kids

00:57:37yeah they're

00:57:38good man

00:57:38I'm lucky

00:57:39you know they're happy

00:57:42they're healthy

00:57:43they are

00:57:44they are quite

00:57:44smart

00:57:45which is the

00:57:45one thing I

00:57:46would you

00:57:46know scale

00:57:47back if I

00:57:47could pick

00:57:48I'm not

00:57:50even

00:57:50I'm not even

00:57:50entirely

00:57:51joking

00:57:51if you

00:57:51have

00:57:51smart

00:57:52kids

00:57:52you know

00:57:52that they

00:57:52are a lot

00:57:53of work

00:57:53they're so

00:57:55curious

00:57:56so curious

00:57:57just constant

00:57:58questions

00:57:58all the time

00:57:59questions

00:57:59right

00:58:00they like to talk

00:58:01about their

00:58:01talents all the

00:58:02time

00:58:02always showcasing

00:58:03what they

00:58:03can do

00:58:04like to go

00:58:05outside

00:58:05you know

00:58:06that gets

00:58:06old

00:58:06they never

00:58:09have any

00:58:09interest in

00:58:10just quietly

00:58:11respectfully

00:58:12watching an

00:58:12eight hour

00:58:13criminal minds

00:58:13marathon on the

00:58:14couch like a good

00:58:15person

00:58:15they don't care

00:58:18about stuff like

00:58:18that

00:58:18sometimes I get

00:58:21jealous when we're

00:58:22at Chuck E. Cheese

00:58:23or at the mall

00:58:24food court and I

00:58:25see a couple

00:58:25dumb kids and I

00:58:26think that's a

00:58:27sweet life right

00:58:27there

00:58:28if you have

00:58:30dumb kids you

00:58:31appreciate them

00:58:31you cherish those

00:58:34easily pleased

00:58:34little angels

00:58:35sometimes I

00:58:37fantasize about

00:58:37having a couple

00:58:38little glossy

00:58:39eyed little

00:58:40mouth breathers I

00:58:40could just shove

00:58:41in front of a

00:58:41spongebob marathon

00:58:42kick over a

00:58:44juice box and

00:58:45some string cheese

00:58:45and carpe diem

00:58:46I could leave the

00:58:49house for eight

00:58:49hours not even

00:58:50get a babysitter

00:58:50why I'll come

00:58:52back they're right

00:58:52where I put them

00:58:53they may smell

00:58:55worse but they're

00:58:56just as happy

00:58:57that's what's

00:58:59important

00:58:59my son Kyler

00:59:02he's actually

00:59:02gifted he skipped

00:59:04a grade he skipped

00:59:05second grade because

00:59:06when he was eight

00:59:07he was tested and

00:59:08he reads at a

00:59:08twelfth grade level

00:59:09and I'm happy for

00:59:10him but I'm a little

00:59:12sad for me

00:59:13I think every

00:59:15good parent wants

00:59:15their kids to

00:59:16eventually accomplish

00:59:17things they were

00:59:17able to but I'll

00:59:18tell you this

00:59:19not when they're

00:59:20eight

00:59:20a little early

00:59:23I'll tell you

00:59:24what I don't like

00:59:24about it I don't

00:59:25know for sure that

00:59:25I read at a

00:59:26twelfth grade level

00:59:27I strongly assume I

00:59:30do but I've never

00:59:30been tested no one

00:59:31ever had any

00:59:31interest and I'm

00:59:33definitely never

00:59:34getting tested now

00:59:35I would be

00:59:37emotionally crippled

00:59:38for the rest of my

00:59:38life if I took the

00:59:39same test he took

00:59:40when he was eight

00:59:41and got a twelve

00:59:41and if I took that

00:59:43tomorrow and got

00:59:43like a six no good

00:59:45no good I would

00:59:46completely panic

00:59:47probably paint his

00:59:47room with as much

00:59:48lead as I could get

00:59:49my hands on

00:59:49make sure he eats

00:59:52off aluminum for

00:59:52the rest of his

00:59:53childhood

00:59:53dad why does this

00:59:55fish taste like

00:59:56mercury because I

00:59:57got to narrow the

00:59:57gap that's why

00:59:59you'll stop getting

01:00:01mercury fish when

01:00:01you stop knowing

01:00:02the fish tastes like

01:00:03mercury you think

01:00:04about that professor

01:00:04right you work out

01:00:08that equation

01:00:09my daughter doesn't

01:00:15care about school

01:00:16but I think she's

01:00:16probably the smartest

01:00:17person in the family

01:00:18Monroe doesn't care

01:00:20about school she

01:00:21doesn't care about

01:00:21her teacher she

01:00:23doesn't need that

01:00:23validation she

01:00:24doesn't need school

01:00:25she's street smart

01:00:26she's seven I

01:00:29truly believe she

01:00:29could drop out now

01:00:30she'd probably be

01:00:30okay force of

01:00:33personality would

01:00:34carry her through

01:00:34life she just gets

01:00:36she just gets life

01:00:37she doesn't have to

01:00:38have things explained

01:00:39to her she just

01:00:39understands things

01:00:40right like when she

01:00:42was six last year

01:00:43she told me she

01:00:44wanted to be a comic

01:00:44and at first I was

01:00:45like she doesn't

01:00:46know what she's

01:00:46saying that's a

01:00:46word she heard that

01:00:47I do there is no

01:00:48way a six-year-old

01:00:50brain could begin

01:00:51to process the

01:00:52complexity artistry

01:00:54philosophary and

01:00:57overall intellectualism

01:00:59that goes into

01:00:59what I do right

01:01:03thank you for that

01:01:08pity

01:01:08so I asked her

01:01:10though I'm like

01:01:11Monroe why do you

01:01:11want to be a comic

01:01:12without hesitation she

01:01:13goes I want to make

01:01:14fun of people not get

01:01:15in trouble

01:01:15yeah she gets it

01:01:18that's pretty much

01:01:18it

01:01:19that's really the

01:01:23essence of it

01:01:24god she is too

01:01:28smart though

01:01:28devious she did

01:01:31something when she's

01:01:31two years old

01:01:32it'll scare me for the

01:01:33rest of my life about

01:01:34what she's capable of

01:01:35the planning and

01:01:37manipulation that went

01:01:38into this at two years

01:01:39old it still just blows

01:01:40me away when she was

01:01:41two her daycare had a

01:01:43no binky policy you

01:01:44turn two no more

01:01:45binks you're out with

01:01:46the binks and if you

01:01:48don't have kids a binky

01:01:49is just a pacifier but

01:01:51what it really is is a

01:01:53baby cigarette

01:01:53binkies are baby smokes

01:01:58and some kids have a

01:02:00two three pack a day

01:02:01binky habit

01:02:02that's a good analogy

01:02:04have you ever seen

01:02:05like a chain smoker

01:02:05not get to smoke for a

01:02:07long period of time

01:02:07they get very anxious

01:02:08get very upset

01:02:09they get very negative

01:02:10they take that first

01:02:11hit body relaxes

01:02:13positive outlook

01:02:14they become reasonable

01:02:16again that was Monroe

01:02:17right before she turned

01:02:18two just angry with no

01:02:20binky just no

01:02:21no I'm not

01:02:22I'm not tired

01:02:24you don't know

01:02:24no I'm not

01:02:26no

01:02:27I'm gonna go lay down

01:02:44for a little bit

01:02:44when she was turning

01:02:53two she was so into

01:02:53binkies to go to sleep

01:02:54she had one in her

01:02:55mouth one in each

01:02:56hand 10 to 15 more

01:02:59binkies scattered around

01:03:00her crib just a binky

01:03:01paradise and they

01:03:03expected that level of

01:03:04junkie to go cold turkey

01:03:06in one day it's

01:03:07unreasonable it's

01:03:09unreasonable a couple

01:03:10days after the ban

01:03:11they start catching her

01:03:12sneaking in binks

01:03:13I was real proud of how

01:03:15she did it she wasn't

01:03:16real overt she didn't

01:03:17push it in their faces

01:03:18she was real crafty

01:03:19she'd show up at daycare

01:03:21she'd let the first hour

01:03:22go by and just act like

01:03:23nothing was wrong

01:03:23right just I don't even

01:03:24need a bink I don't need

01:03:25one ha big girl pants

01:03:27right here I'm good I'm

01:03:28cool right after like an

01:03:30hour she'd sneak off to

01:03:32the darkest corner of

01:03:32daycare where she would

01:03:34take a binky out of her

01:03:35pocket and she would just

01:03:36take a couple hits and

01:03:37then put it back in her

01:03:38pocket walk around again

01:03:40like what's up I'm good

01:03:41totally cool don't even

01:03:44need it I don't need

01:03:44nothing I'm good I thought

01:03:48that was hilarious I

01:03:49thought the response to

01:03:50that was even funnier to

01:03:51make sure she doesn't get

01:03:52in binkies in the future

01:03:53they start giving her full

01:03:54body pat downs every time

01:03:56she comes in right like

01:03:58she's a two-foot you know

01:03:59felon trying to sneak a

01:04:00shiv into the yard she

01:04:02must have had crazy street

01:04:03cred with the other

01:04:04toddlers well her pop-up

01:04:09her grandpa was taking her

01:04:10to daycare this time and

01:04:11he would get embarrassed

01:04:12and they would catch her

01:04:13with a binky so he starts

01:04:14giving her full body pat

01:04:15downs at home so she's

01:04:17getting two full body

01:04:18pat downs now still sneaks

01:04:20in a bink and we figured

01:04:23out how she did this it's

01:04:25terrifying what she's

01:04:26capable of she must have

01:04:28realized that pop-up always

01:04:30patted her down in the same

01:04:31location by the front door so

01:04:33in anticipation of that she

01:04:34hit a binky in that

01:04:36location then had the

01:04:37patience to get dressed get

01:04:39her little pad down and

01:04:41then right as they're

01:04:41leaving cup the binky in

01:04:42her hand and then feign

01:04:45affection for her grandpa

01:04:46just hug pop-up hug pop-up

01:04:48she didn't give a shit

01:04:50about pop-up it's the next

01:04:53step in her plan she needed

01:04:54to get close to him so she

01:04:56could give a fake hug and

01:04:57when he's not paying

01:04:57attention drop the binky into

01:04:59his front shirt pocket and

01:05:01let him transport it

01:05:02unknowingly like a toddler

01:05:04coke mule she would let

01:05:08pop-up get the contraband

01:05:09through customs get her

01:05:11second pad down then chase

01:05:13him like the most

01:05:13affectionate granddaughter

01:05:14of ever into the parking

01:05:15like hug pop-up hug pop-up

01:05:17no just an excuse to get

01:05:19the binky back out of his

01:05:20pocket sneak it back into

01:05:22her pocket and then strut

01:05:23victorious in the daycare

01:05:24like pop-up can die now and

01:05:26I don't care

01:05:26it's pretty incredible

01:05:30I thought it was kind of

01:05:37messed up that they

01:05:38didn't let her have a

01:05:39binky after that if I'm

01:05:40working at daycare after

01:05:41all that she keeps binky

01:05:42partly out of respect of

01:05:45what she's already

01:05:45accomplished partly out of

01:05:47fear what she may do next

01:05:48I feel like we're all

01:05:50lucky a couple weeks later

01:05:51people didn't see a

01:05:52burning daycare and a

01:05:53happy girl just walking

01:05:54down the road are you

01:05:56okay little girl I'm fine

01:05:57bad people are burning

01:05:59it's terrifying

01:06:03I've always read my kids

01:06:06you know bedtime stories

01:06:07I mean obviously I don't

01:06:08read Kyler's stories now

01:06:09he's probably dissecting

01:06:10Nietzsche as we speak

01:06:11he's trying to discover if

01:06:14we even exist or life has

01:06:16meaning but I've always

01:06:18read them like kids stories

01:06:19you know before bed and

01:06:21I'll be honest I don't

01:06:22really care for children's

01:06:23literature and a lot of

01:06:24times I would feel guilty

01:06:25I felt like I was setting

01:06:26them up for disappointment

01:06:27later in life because I'm

01:06:28putting these images into

01:06:29their brains of this just

01:06:31positive blissful world that

01:06:33doesn't actually exist the

01:06:34way it's described and so I

01:06:37took it upon myself to write

01:06:39a new kids book it is

01:06:41significantly more realistic

01:06:42if it may be a little

01:06:44darker it's kind of like a

01:06:46kids book for grown-ups and

01:06:48so I'm gonna pretend that

01:06:49you guys are my kids right

01:06:50now and you guys are good

01:06:52kids and I'm proud of you

01:06:53I love you guys and I want

01:07:00to read you a little bedtime

01:07:01story called daddy bear and

01:07:02the three rabbits meet the

01:07:03real world so let's uh if we

01:07:06could let's uh let's dim the

01:07:07lights a little bit make a

01:07:08little story time ambiance

01:07:09there we go it's about time

01:07:12for bed

01:07:12boy bear and girl bear settled

01:07:18into the cozy confines of daddy

01:07:19bear's soft furry lap and they

01:07:21handed him the little engine

01:07:23that could story of a small

01:07:25train that pulls an impossible

01:07:26like literally impossible amount

01:07:28of freight over a very large

01:07:31hill simply by repeatedly telling

01:07:33itself I think I can I think I

01:07:35can yeah right thought daddy bear

01:07:37bear as if optimism could

01:07:39overcome a poor payload to

01:07:40horsepower ratio gravity and

01:07:42other basic laws the goddamn

01:07:43physics amused by his own

01:07:49sarcastic logic daddy bear laughed

01:07:51aloud what's so funny asked girl

01:07:54bear hmm it's a tough question

01:07:56for daddy bear to answer on the

01:07:58one paw he didn't want to shatter

01:08:00his cubs belief in a just and

01:08:02fair world even if he knew that

01:08:04world was no more real than the

01:08:06possibility of his wife bear

01:08:08letting him bring a new young

01:08:09lady bear into bed from time to

01:08:10time on the other paw he also

01:08:16didn't want his kids growing up

01:08:18just thinking that believing

01:08:20something actually gives you the

01:08:21ability to do it because despite

01:08:23what horse self-help books like

01:08:25the secret claim it's not true a lot

01:08:28of very well-educated people truly

01:08:30believe for example that the

01:08:32Titanic was unsinkable

01:08:33unfortunately for them giant hole

01:08:36punching icebergs don't give a shit

01:08:37what you believe

01:08:38the world has very firm rules

01:08:43well said daddy bear i laughed

01:08:48because this story is bullshit

01:08:49why'd you say a curse word that's a

01:08:52suddenly scared boy bear mama bear

01:08:54told him only kidnappers carnies and

01:08:56drug maniacs talk like that

01:08:57he suddenly wondered which group his

01:09:01father belonged to you should get used

01:09:05to that word said daddy bear life is

01:09:06full of bullshit how said girl bear

01:09:09well for example said daddy bear the

01:09:13average wage of the u.s. worker has

01:09:14increased by less than 10 percent over

01:09:16the past 30 years while in that same

01:09:19time the average cost for a four-year

01:09:21college degree has risen over 500%

01:09:24that's greedy corporatization of higher

01:09:27education bullshit

01:09:29what do those numbers mean asked boy bear

01:09:41well for you said daddy bear they mean

01:09:45you're getting a scholarship or going to

01:09:46community college my friend

01:09:47they also mean your mother and i will

01:09:50literally i swear to god we will literally

01:09:52kill you if you major in philosophy not

01:09:56today you can intellectually jerk off on

01:09:58your own dime buddy it's called a

01:09:59library check out some books

01:10:02no more little engine tonight said daddy

01:10:09bear time for a news story called three

01:10:11rabbits meet the real world once upon a

01:10:14time father rabbit gave his three kid

01:10:16rabbits each ten thousand dollars with

01:10:19another hundred grand going to the

01:10:21rabbit who made the most this initial

01:10:23opportunity rabbit one took his money and

01:10:27invested in a modest burrow in a

01:10:28slightly used dependable car he got a

01:10:31stable desk job that had a low income

01:10:32ceiling but decent benefits and even if

01:10:34he didn't really enjoy the work he did

01:10:36enjoy the consistency it provided he

01:10:40invested low to moderate risk for one case

01:10:42always ate at home and never ever bought

01:10:46brand name clothing i hope he gets the

01:10:49money said girl bear seems reasonable daddy

01:10:54bear thought rabbit one sounded like a

01:10:55fucking dork rabbit probably the kind of

01:10:59rabbit that wears a condom even when he

01:11:00jerks off just to be super safe

01:11:04no rabbit one's dead just no one's told

01:11:08him rabbit two made a very different choice he

01:11:14took his money and flew to amsterdam where

01:11:17he indulged he indulged he indulged in a

01:11:20culture of casual sex designer drugs and

01:11:23partied harder than the statue of david's

01:11:25dick

01:11:28although fun while it lasted rabbit two's

01:11:32hedonistic lifestyle eventually caught up with

01:11:34him he was found dead in a closet butt naked

01:11:37with his own belt around his neck and a

01:11:38failed attempt at erotic asphyxiation

01:11:44boy and girl bear looked at each other nervously

01:11:49they knew if mama bear heard what daddy bear had

01:11:51just said she would flip the out

01:11:54they also knew this was a way better story than the

01:11:59little engine so they stayed quiet

01:12:03let's see where this goes

01:12:07rabbit three took his money and used it on a bid for a foreclosed home

01:12:11then flipped it for pennies on the dollar with the help of hard-working

01:12:15cash under the table illegal mexican label rabbits

01:12:17he repeated this process time and time again hiding most of his profit from the irs

01:12:24by reporting losses on fake web businesses that only actually existed on paper

01:12:29and then father rabbit came and gave the money to the wisest rabbit

01:12:33was a rabbit too asked boy bear seriously the rabbit who died jerking off alone in a closet

01:12:41no and i'm assuming you're joking because i don't want to pay for therapy

01:12:44in my opinion it's very overpriced and it's a soft science

01:12:54it's true rabbit three got the money girl bear was outraged what she said

01:13:01why not rabbit one rabbit three cheated and grandpa bear says cheaters never win

01:13:06yeah he does said daddy bear but to be fair grandpa bear says a lot of things

01:13:10you know that sometimes grandpa bear says that asian bears can't see as well because their eyes are

01:13:15smaller it's true one time he he said that earthquakes are god's way of warning us about

01:13:22homosexuality because apparently he thinks god's less concerned with genocide and starvation than he is

01:13:28with sodomy than mustaches touching nutsacks so uh you might want a grain of salt it when it comes to

01:13:46grandpa bear's advice the fact is kiddos sometimes cheaters win sometimes they realize that society's

01:13:54rules are subjective ever-changing and arbitrary you don't have to take my advice either but if you

01:13:58want it i think you should trust your gut love often forgive but never forget take chances without being

01:14:06totally reckless life is a wonderful beautiful gift that you only get one time for sure despite

01:14:12what anybody says why wouldn't you take it out of the box every once in a while and play with it a little bit

01:14:16and for the record that last part is not a masturbation reference

01:14:25and then daddy bear sent his confused and forever changed cubs to bed

01:14:29and he made a mental note to have one or three less gin and tonics before the next story time

01:14:36and he laughed and laughed and laughed until he nearly awoke mama bear from her vicodin and

01:14:41chardonnay and chardonnay do slumber and they all lived happily enough ever after the end thank you guys

01:14:47so much i hope you had a good time thank you uh thank you guys thank you very much

01:14:56thank you guys

01:14:58so happy to have to be here

01:15:01have a great night

01:15:18you

Dan Cummins - Dont Wake The Bear (17)

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