- 5/3/2025
King Of The Hill Season 1 Episode 1 Pilot
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00Music
00:02Music
00:06Yep
00:23Yep
00:27Yep.
00:30Yep.
00:32Mm-hmm.
00:36You know what it could be.
00:39That damn starter motor.
00:42You getting good compression?
00:44Yeah.
00:46I know what's wrong with it.
00:49It's a Ford.
00:50You know what they say Ford stands for, don't you?
00:54It stands for fix it again, Tony.
00:58You're thinking of a Fiat, Dale.
01:02Fix it again.
01:09I'll tell you what you do.
01:11You just take them damn spark plugs out,
01:13and then that little hole, you just put a little hole around there,
01:16just like Bobby Hunter said, just like it'd go boom, boom, just like that.
01:22Well, I wish it were that simple, Boomhauer.
01:25But I'll tell you what my truck really needs.
01:29Leadership.
01:31Detroit hadn't felt any real pride since George Bush went to Japan and vomited on their auto executives.
01:39Who's ready?
01:48Did y'all catch the Seinfeld show last night?
01:51Yep.
01:52Oh, hell, I missed it.
01:54I'll tell you what, you see that part where dang old George come in there,
01:58he's talking about tasting his own bourbon creamer come sliding in,
02:02just like he always do.
02:04I'll tell you what, man,
02:06them dang old New York boys,
02:08just a show about nothing.
02:41What you listening to, son?
02:55I don't think you like it.
02:57Well, why not?
02:58I like this new generation of music.
03:03Hello?
03:04Hello?
03:04Mother of God, it's all toilet sounds.
03:10Where did you record this?
03:12I bought it at the mall.
03:14It's the funny phone jerks.
03:16Let me tell you, Bobby,
03:18there's nothing funny about these sounds.
03:21What that person on your tape has is a medical disorder.
03:26Now, you get ready for the game, okay?
03:29Yes, sir.
03:31That boy ain't right.
03:35Oh, God!
03:37Luanne, I thought you went home.
03:39No, Uncle Hank.
03:41Mom and Daddy are still fighting.
03:42Well, you're welcome to stay,
03:45but for God's sakes, girl, lock the door.
03:49I've got a minor son living in this house.
03:55So, you ready to kick some wildcat butt, Bobby?
04:00Okay.
04:01Nah, don't you worry, son.
04:03You just do your best.
04:05Don't listen to her, Bobby.
04:07If you want to win,
04:09you're going to have to do better than your best.
04:12How do I do that?
04:14You've got to give 110%.
04:17That's what will give you that winning edge.
04:21But what if the wildcats give 110% too?
04:26Well, then you've got to try even harder.
04:28How about if Bobby gave 112%?
04:31Uh, sure, that'd work.
04:33Or maybe 113.
04:39Yeah, yeah, that's even better.
04:41No, I don't know.
04:4313 is a very unlucky number.
04:46Look, we're not talking about 13.
04:48We're talking about 113,
04:52and even...
04:53Okay, give 112.
04:56What's the difference?
04:57Look, Bobby, just do your best, okay?
05:03Swing, Bobby, swing!
05:06Swing!
05:07And y'all, dang, I'll take low nap this ball one.
05:11Good eye, honey, good eye!
05:14Oh, for crying out loud.
05:19Bobby, you can't make an omelet without breaking eggs,
05:23and you can't get on base without taking a swing.
05:27The pitcher could walk me, couldn't he?
05:30Don't play lawyer ball, son.
05:33Now you hit the next one out of the park.
05:40Run!
05:42Run!
05:43Run!
05:44Look at the batter, boy.
05:51Watch the ball.
05:53Huh?
05:54What?
05:55Hey, don't look at me.
05:58Keep your eye on the ball.
06:00Keep my eye on the what?
06:02Stop looking at me, boy.
06:04Watch the ball.
06:06Can't hear you, Dad.
06:07Don't worry, Bobby.
06:14You played a good game.
06:16I gotta stop in here for a minute
06:18and get me some WD-40 and a tap and die.
06:27Manager to register 47, please.
06:32I hate this place.
06:34Excuse me, where's the hardware department?
06:38Where is the hardware department?
06:42Um, hmm.
06:43What exactly is it you're looking for?
06:46The hardware department.
06:48Yeah, but are you looking for, like, a tool or something?
06:51What difference does it make?
06:54Huh.
06:55What difference does it make?
06:57Okay, I'm looking for a tap and die and some WD-40.
07:02Huh.
07:02Well, what is it that you're trying to do?
07:05I'm trying to buy a tap and die and some WD-40
07:09and get out of this godforsaken store.
07:13Ah.
07:14And what is a tap and die?
07:16Okay, forget it.
07:18Let's say I want a hammer.
07:20Do you know what a hammer is?
07:22That's what I want.
07:23A damned hammer.
07:25Now, where in the hell would I go?
07:28Hey, that's that Hank Hill fellow that lives on the block next to us.
07:32He sure has a temper, doesn't he?
07:33Sure does.
07:35Makes you wonder who gave his boy that black eye.
07:38Uh, you're gonna have to pay for that, dude.
07:42You're fired!
07:44Hmph.
07:45Alice says she saw Hank hit his son.
07:47Really?
07:48Well, I heard you threaten the clerk of Megalomart with a hammer.
07:51Did you hear about Hank Hill?
07:53He beat up his son, and then some ladies in Megalomart tried to stop him,
07:58and he beat them up, too.
07:59Well, somebody really ought to report him for the boy's sake.
08:02You say he hit his son with a bat?
08:06No, that is definitely not acceptable.
08:08I wish I could, ma'am, but the regulations say we can't take custody of the boy without an interview.
08:15Don't you worry.
08:16He's in the system now.
08:18I am on my way.
08:22Ah.
08:23Hey, I know what's wrong with your truck.
08:28It's your quote-unquote pollution controls.
08:31I heard on talk radio you don't even need them.
08:34They're just an egg-headed government plot.
08:37How is cutting down on pollution a government plot, Dale?
08:41Open up your eyes, man.
08:44They're trying to control global warming.
08:46Get it?
08:48Global.
08:49So what?
08:51That's code for U.N. commissars telling Americans what temperature it's going to be in our outdoors.
08:58I say let the world warm up.
09:00See what Boutros Boutros golly golly thinks about that.
09:04We'll grow oranges in Alaska.
09:07Dale, you giblet head.
09:10We live in Texas.
09:12It's already 110 in the summer,
09:14and if it gets one degree hotter, I'm going to kick your ass.
09:19What in God's name is that thumping sound?
09:27Bobby, why don't you go out and help your daddy?
09:29You have been watching way too much TV, son.
09:33Come on.
09:34Come on, Bobby.
09:34Up.
09:35No more TV.
09:36Turn it off now.
09:37Oh.
09:41Oh, God, I love that poor man.
09:44Oh!
09:47There.
09:48That's better.
09:59Hello.
10:00I'm a social worker with the state.
10:02Would you mind if I talk to you for a minute?
10:04Well, sure.
10:05Come on in.
10:08Damn it.
10:08There it is again.
10:10Where is that thumping coming from?
10:13It's driving me crazy.
10:15Could be far off helicopters.
10:18You in helicopters.
10:21Dale, what are you doing?
10:23Give me some light.
10:24Now I can't see.
10:26My arm.
10:28My head.
10:30Ow.
10:31Ow.
10:32Ow.
10:33God.
10:34God.
10:35Mrs. Hill, would you say your husband has a bad temper?
10:38Who, Hank?
10:40No, Hank is as gentle as a lamb.
10:42No more bouncing that ball.
10:49Hank, we have a visitor.
10:50So, your assertion, Mr. Hill, is that Bobby got the black eye at his baseball game?
11:02That's not my assertion.
11:04That's what happened.
11:06Have you ever hit your son, Mr. Hill?
11:09No.
11:12What the heck are you writing?
11:15All you gotta write is one word.
11:17No.
11:18Mr. Hill, I feel that you're coming from an anger mindset.
11:23And if you're projecting this anger onto me, it gives me grave concerns as to how you facilitate
11:28your son's growth in private.
11:31Mr., I have not begun to project my anger onto you.
11:36Mrs. Hill, how did you get this here on your forehead?
11:39Oh, this?
11:40Well, Bobby threw his baseball at me.
11:42You threw a baseball at your mother?
11:44Oh, Hank, it was an accident.
11:46So, would this be the same baseball that gave Bobby the black eye?
11:52Uh, Dale, you sure you want to be messing with Hank's truck when he's not around?
11:58I'm going to help get him this alternator off.
12:02Uh, Dale, I think you released the brake cable.
12:06Dale!
12:07No, I didn't.
12:08I guess I better get going.
12:13Uh, I got some edging to do.
12:19Do you work outside the home, Mrs. Hill?
12:21Well, yes, I do.
12:23I'm a substitute Spanish teacher.
12:26Los estudiantes son mis amigos.
12:29And you just have the one son?
12:31Uh-huh.
12:31Yeah, well, we would have liked to have more kids, but Hank has a narrow urethra.
12:38Peggy!
12:38In fact, Hank's sperm care.
12:40That's enough!
12:42What in the hell did you tell him that for?
12:45Well, he asked me.
12:46He asked you how many kids we have.
12:49He didn't ask you about my glands.
12:51Please, Mr. Hill, loud is not allowed.
12:55What the?
12:57Loud is not allowed?
12:59Now, you listen to me, mister.
13:01I work for a living.
13:03And I mean real work, not writing down gobbledygook.
13:07I provide the people of this community with propane and propane accessories.
13:14Oh, when I think of all my hard-earned tax dollars going to pay a bunch of little twig-boy bureaucrats like you,
13:24it just makes me want to...
13:26Oh, God, it just...
13:29Hank?
13:31Honey, bring me my B.C. headache powder and a glass of water.
13:36All right, Hank.
13:38Now, you listen here.
13:40You see that boy?
13:41That's my boy.
13:44And if you ever try to take him away, so help me God,
13:48I'll tear you a new one bigger than the Grand Canyon.
13:52Now, I want you to get out of my house.
13:55You're not welcome here.
13:57I mean now, before I give you a black eye.
14:01Get...
14:03You want to know about old Hank?
14:09Well, Hank's got a lot of problems.
14:12Hey, baby!
14:14How about a couple of beers?
14:16Sorry, Shud, gotta go.
14:18I got another migraine treatment with John Redcorn.
14:22Nancy, you've been going to that healer for 12 years, and you still get headaches every night.
14:28Healing process takes time, honey.
14:30Getting back to the Hill family.
14:36Have you ever seen Hank hit his child, Bobby?
14:39Hank?
14:40No, sir.
14:41Bobby's his pride and joy.
14:43Because of his narrow urethra.
14:48Are you absolutely sure?
14:50A hundred percent.
14:51You can ask my son.
14:53He's Bobby's best friend.
14:55Joseph!
14:56What is it, Daddy?
14:58You ever seen Hank hit Bobby?
15:00Nuh-uh, never.
15:02See?
15:04Now, you can just move along now.
15:06I've been calling y'all people better than a month now, crap, about y'all.
15:10Every time that dang old dog crossed his head, he started yapping his jaw 24 hours a day, and had nobody answered.
15:17You called?
15:18How you supposed to come out there and do anything about that dog?
15:20If you're just going to get a dang old computer, I ain't going to come over here and just shut that dang old dog up.
15:25And then some weirdo came over and was asking us a bunch of questions.
15:31Yeah.
15:32He asked me if your dad ever whooped you.
15:35He hasn't, right?
15:37Of course not.
15:38You know my dad.
15:39He's all bark.
15:42Boy, that guy got him mad, though.
15:44My dad was like,
15:46Get out of my house.
15:49My boy ain't much, but he's all I got.
15:52Give you a great impression.
15:58Let me try.
16:00I'll tear you a new one.
16:03When I get my hands on you, you little pea brain, I'll bust your butt into little pieces.
16:13Oh, I knew it.
16:16Good God, Peggy.
16:17This was on my road and track.
16:20Luanne!
16:21Luanne, honey, can we talk to you?
16:24Oh, wait, wait.
16:25Not while I'm here.
16:28Mama's in jail.
16:30She was saving a quart of beer from before bed,
16:33and Daddy threw it out,
16:34and she went after him with a fork,
16:36and the trailer tipped over,
16:37and everything went upside down,
16:39and it's all going to be on real stories of the highway patrol,
16:42and the wig I styled for Beauty Academy is ruined.
16:48What am I going to do, Uncle Hank?
16:53There, there.
16:54You can stay with us till your mama comes home,
16:58and you'll style a new wig better than before.
17:03Uh, I'll let you use my tools.
17:07Oh, thanks, Uncle Hank.
17:12She has got to go.
17:18Bobby?
17:19Bobby, are you all right?
17:21Come on out.
17:22I thought I told you to get lost.
17:24Come on, Bobby.
17:26I can put you with a nice foster family in North Ireland
17:29where you can develop healthy life adaptations.
17:33And they've got a pool.
17:34Honey, let's give them Luanne.
17:37Hey, I got a girl in here you can take right now.
17:40Don't you want to live in a house with a pool?
17:44No.
17:44See, Twig boy?
17:46Now get your skinny butt off of my property.
17:50Bobby, I know you can't talk in front of him.
17:54I said get!
17:55Get!
17:56Get out of here!
17:57You are out of control!
18:00You're out of control, Twiggy!
18:09Thanks for the latte, Kenneth.
18:11Anthony, could I see you a minute?
18:12So, in this Hill family case,
18:16you couldn't confirm any actual abuse,
18:19but you still recommended the state take custody?
18:22Oh, yeah.
18:23I mean, the whole neighborhood was Redneck City.
18:26Did you see in the report how he dented my geo?
18:28Hmm.
18:29Redneck City.
18:30That's pretty funny.
18:32Where are you from, son?
18:33Los Angeles.
18:35Hmm.
18:37Let's see here.
18:38Hit by a baseball.
18:39Hmm.
18:40So, uh, how did you like old Harvey?
18:46Who's Harvey?
18:47Oh, he's a Little League coach.
18:50You did talk to the Little League coach, didn't you?
18:52Hmm.
18:53Hmm.
18:54Hmm.
18:54Don, have you lost your mind?
19:03Wait.
19:04Dad.
19:05You're not supposed to yell at me anymore.
19:08The guy from the state said,
19:11your hostility invalidates our parent-child contract.
19:16You're quoting that twig boy at me?
19:20Hide the neighbors.
19:22Remember, he said loud is not allowed, Dad,
19:26or they'll take me away.
19:28Oh, God.
19:32Hello?
19:39Is this the Hill residence?
19:41Who am I talking to?
19:42Bobby Hill.
19:44Well, son, this is the state social services.
19:47We're calling off our investigation of your father.
19:50The worker that visited you will be leaving the office and going back to L.A.
19:56Now, you please tell your parents we apologize for the misunderstanding.
19:59Okay, I'll tell him.
20:02Bye.
20:03Bobby, who was that?
20:05Uh, wrong number.
20:08I borrowed your truck this morning, Uncle Hank.
20:31It wouldn't start at first because you had a clogged fuel line,
20:34but I blew it clean.
20:35Hey, Bobby, go plug this in the garage for me.
20:43Okay.
20:50Wanna see something cool?
20:57What in the heck?
20:59Don't you see I'm working here?
21:00Close the dang door.
21:01Uh, uh, Bob, just keep putting...
21:05Stop, stop hitting that button.
21:07Give me that thing.
21:08Dad, that's not respectful adult child growth dialogue.
21:13I'll give you dialogue that's not coming from a center of anger.
21:20Please return the garage door to its factory pre-set down position.
21:26That is cool.
21:35Hey!
21:37Hey!
21:39What?
21:40Please, uh, respect my fence's right to be a fence.
21:47Now!
21:48Yeah!
21:58What on God's green earth are you making those noises for?
22:16They're sound effects, like that guy on Police Academy.
22:20That's what I'm going to do when I grow up, I decide it.
22:23And Dad can't say boo about it.
22:25Bobby, a man from the Child Protective Services just came by.
22:30Now, he said that he told you last week that this investigation was off.
22:36Oh...
22:38Please don't tell Dad!
22:41Well, son, I have to. He's been worried.
22:44But I like him better this way.
22:46How come?
22:48I can make him love me even when I screw up.
22:51Is that what you think?
22:54It's hard, Peggy.
23:00I don't want to lose my little boy, my only son.
23:05But, oh, it's hard.
23:07Well, you can relax.
23:09The investigation has been off for a week.
23:13Only, Bobby didn't tell us.
23:15I'll kill him!
23:16Alright, calm down, honey.
23:18Now, let me explain.
23:19He didn't do it to be mean.
23:21Bobby honestly doesn't think that you love him all the time.
23:25That's crazy.
23:26Of course I love him.
23:27Very good.
23:28Now, say it to Bobby.
23:30What are you talking about?
23:32I want you to tell Bobby that your love for him is unconditional.
23:36Well, I can't say that.
23:38I can't.
23:39You know how I was raised?
23:42What my father's like?
23:44I got my shin blown off by a Japan man's machine gun.
23:49So don't come crying to me with your problems.
23:54Honey, I am begging you.
23:57For the sake of this family, you have got to do it.
24:00He's waiting for you out on the porch.
24:02Oh, jeez.
24:04I think the twig boy comes over here and we got...
24:09Uh...
24:13You, uh...
24:16You're my son.
24:18Uh...
24:19Well, you know, with everything, uh...
24:22That entails, uh...
24:25Uh-huh.
24:27Uh...
24:29Uh...
24:30Uh...
24:31Uh...
24:32Uh...
24:33Feelings of, uh...
24:34Uh...
24:35Fondness and...
24:36More, uh...
24:37Heh.
24:38Uh...
24:39You know what I mean, don't you, boy?
24:42No.
24:43Uh...
24:44Uh...
24:45Well, uh...
24:46Uh...
24:47Uh...
24:48Uh...
24:49That's a hell of a weird sound.
24:50I never made that before.
24:52Uh...
24:53Uh...
24:54I...
24:55You...
24:56Uh...
24:57Uh...
24:58Family.
25:02You're not making this easy on me, boy.
25:07Okay.
25:08I love you no matter what you do.
25:10There.
25:11Phew!
25:12Let's go get something to eat.
25:14I'm not...
25:16Just a big disappointment to you.
25:19Disappointment?
25:21No.
25:22You make me proud.
25:24I've been disappointed by just about everything else in this town, but you?
25:29Not once.
25:30Dammit, you're my boy.
25:33Heh.
25:34You know better than that.
25:38He punched him!
25:39Uh...
25:40I knew it!
25:41I told him!
25:42Did...
25:43Did you see that?
25:44Say what, wig boy?
25:45Never mind.
25:46I knew it!
25:47I knew it!
25:48I knew it!
25:49I knew it!
25:50I knew it!
25:51I knew it!
25:52I knew it!
25:53I knew it!
25:54I knew it!
25:55I knew it!
25:56I knew it!
25:57I knew it!
25:58I knew it!
25:59I knew it!
26:00I knew it!
26:01I knew it!
26:02I knew it!
26:03I knew it!
26:04I knew it!
26:05I knew it!
26:06I knew it!
26:07I knew it!
26:08I knew it!
26:09I knew it!
26:10I knew it!
26:11I knew it!
26:12I knew it!
26:13I knew it!
Recommended
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