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ozmartian
  • 8/6/2024

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00:00Hello.
00:01And...
00:02Two!
00:03Come on!
00:04Woo-hoo!
00:05That's for the haters.
00:06Oh!
00:07Come here.
00:08Come here.
00:09Jiggle-biddle-chee!
00:10Oh!
00:11Yeah!
00:12Yeah!
00:13He-he-he-he!
00:15It's a tea, it's a task!
00:19Nau mai, haere mai.
00:22Welcome to Season 5 of Taskmaster.
00:26I'm your host, Rupert Murdoch.
00:29And I'm your host, Rupert Murdoch.
00:32And I'm your host, Rupert Murdoch.
00:35And I'm your host, Rupert Murdoch.
00:38And I'm your host, Rupert Murdoch.
00:41Welcome to Season 5 of Taskmaster New Zealand.
00:45Yes, we're over the moon to be back for another 10 episodes of mayhem.
00:49And by we, I mean me.
00:53Over the next 10 episodes, we'll watch with sick fascination
00:57as five New Zealand comedians with non-overlapping audiences
01:01compete in what can only be described as a dog show for humans.
01:08But why have these five comedians signed away their dignity for,
01:12let's be honest, less money than you might think?
01:16Well, it's all for a chance to get their hands on this.
01:22The Taskmaster trophy made from pure 24-carat fool's gold.
01:29Let's meet the five brave comedians.
01:32They are Abby Howes.
01:35Ben Hurley.
01:37Hayley Sprower.
01:40And Tom Sainsbury.
01:44Now, unfortunately, one of our comedians, Tofinga Thepulia,
01:47he can't be with us here in the studio.
01:50So this season, we have a cavalcade of fan favourites
01:54stepping up to defend his honour.
01:56So please welcome, for Episode 1, Madeline Sami.
02:05And you know how the saying goes, beside every great man in a big chair
02:08is another smaller man in a less impressive chair.
02:12And for me, that other smaller man is none other than Paul Williams.
02:22It's so good to be back, Jeremy.
02:23And I've actually got you an opening night gift.
02:26It's a finger painting from my nephew.
02:31Oh, wow.
02:35He's incredibly talented.
02:38Someone can grab that.
02:41We'll deal with that a little bit later on.
02:43So, what are we going to start with, the prize task?
02:46So tonight, we've asked our five comedians to bring in the worst cup.
02:53And the winner of tonight's episode will get to take home
02:55all five terrible cups.
02:58All right, we're going to start with Abby.
03:00Abby, what is your terrible cup that you've brought in?
03:03First of all, it doesn't function as a cup.
03:05It's got a lot of holes in it.
03:08But also, it says, I exclusively drink piss.
03:14Wow.
03:15So you know, it's bad functionally, but it also maybe starts a conversation
03:19you don't want to start.
03:22So let's just say that I do drink piss.
03:26Yes.
03:27And I don't mind letting people know about it.
03:31I mean, apart from the holes in it, what would be wrong with this?
03:34Well, also, the handle looks like an anus.
03:38I think if you did like drinking piss,
03:40the holes might actually be a positive.
03:42You get more.
03:43Also, replicate kind of...
03:47Paul, when you pee, does it spritz everywhere?
03:50Because you should get that looked at.
03:52There's three solid...
03:53Right.
03:54Yeah.
03:55Don't know how you're going to come back from this.
03:57No, no.
03:58I don't want to take it down, but this comes from genuine trauma.
04:00Because this is the 2019 Cricket World Cup.
04:04Oh!
04:05Which, of course, New Zealand didn't win in horrific circumstances.
04:10And cricket fans like me, we carry this trauma with us forever.
04:14So this is easily the worst cup.
04:16Yeah.
04:17OK.
04:18I'm not really pleased that you've brought that trauma back to me.
04:21That's super over.
04:22That's one of the worst moments of my life.
04:24You don't want to know what...
04:26Did someone die? Did a man die?
04:30Like a part of all of us died.
04:33Yeah.
04:34Hayley.
04:35Jeremy, I'd like...
04:36Well, actually, all of us would like to cast our minds back
04:38to the wonderful year that was 2020.
04:40And we'd just been thrown into lockdown.
04:43So I made my partner Aaron and I a little tray for his trinkets,
04:47which I thought was quite cute.
04:49And he made me this, which is...
04:52Oh!
04:54OK.
04:55So your fiancé has lovingly made you this thing.
04:57Yes.
04:58And then you've brought it on national television
05:00and absolutely humiliated him.
05:02Yeah.
05:03In the hopes that I don't win today,
05:05and it's no longer on display in my kitchen, pride of place.
05:09Smart.
05:10Madeleine, what have you brought in?
05:12Just put it up on screen, actually.
05:14Wowzers.
05:15That's a gun cup.
05:17It's my friend's cup.
05:19It's just awful.
05:20They got it in Vegas cos they went to a gun range
05:22and that was the merch on offer.
05:24Although you're thinking now, aren't you,
05:26with what's been offered so far,
05:28that gun cup's looking pretty bloody good, isn't it?
05:30Yeah.
05:31You could get so much piss in there, no problem.
05:34Tom, how are you feeling about what you brought in?
05:37Look, mine is aesthetically pleasing, sure,
05:40but I want to get a movement against the style of cup.
05:43And here it is.
05:45You might notice something missing here.
05:48The amount of times I've been, here you go, here's your green tea.
05:51Hussah, hussah, hussah, hussah.
05:53And having to hold it like that.
05:55So I'm really against the style of cup.
05:58Wow.
06:00I've got the audience on side.
06:02How am I going to judge this?
06:04I personally love the Cricket World Cup,
06:08so I'm going to give Ben one point.
06:10Oh, come on.
06:11Madeleine, two points, cos that's also quite a cool cup.
06:14That's a good cup.
06:15It is a good cup.
06:17Sorry, Toffinger, sorry, Toffinger.
06:19Tom gets three.
06:20Yes, middle.
06:21And then I will go four points for Hayley, five points for Abby.
06:27Oh, thank you, thank you.
06:30All right, let's rip into the first proper task, shall we, Paul?
06:34For sure, Jeremy.
06:35And I think you'll like this one because it's a little bit sensual.
06:39Mmm.
06:40MUSIC
06:46Hello.
06:47Hello, Abby.
06:49Hello, Hayley.
06:51Aang.
06:53Hello, Toffinger.
06:54Hey, Paul.
06:55Hi.
06:56Hello, Tom.
06:58The sensors.
07:01Choose three of your five sensors to lose for the next task.
07:05And place them in the bin.
07:07Can we have the three?
07:08Yes, please.
07:09These are the three I'm going to get rid of.
07:12You're keeping touch and hearing.
07:14I reckon I could do everything with touch and sight.
07:20I want to see and I want to feel.
07:22Paul, tonight I'm going with eyes and smell.
07:25I'm going to lose that one.
07:27OK, you happy with that?
07:29I'm going to be kicking myself soon, but I'm happy with it.
07:33Thank you, sir.
07:36Attach your sense blockers, then follow the instructions.
07:40Fastest wins.
07:42Your time starts when the phone rings.
07:44Attach my sense blockers?
07:46Yes, we'll bring those.
07:48OK.
07:49Yeah.
07:52I am fascinated to know what kind of bizarre adventure, Paul,
07:55you've got lined up for these guys.
07:57Let's see what happens.
07:59First up are the three comedians I would rank first, second and third.
08:05Alphabetically.
08:06It's Abby, Ben and Hayley.
08:08Your time starts when the phone rings.
08:10We'll get your sense blockers now.
08:12Excellent.
08:16Can you hear me?
08:18Can I hear you?
08:19No.
08:22Oh, no.
08:24I guess I don't know when the phone rings,
08:26cos I can't hear anything.
08:28PHONE RINGS
08:31I don't know what to do.
08:33Did you give me instructions?
08:35They're on the phone.
08:36Oh, they're on the phone?
08:37Yeah.
08:39It's an issue, isn't it?
08:41Can't hear the phone.
08:42Where's the phone?
08:45These phones?
08:48Why did I choose smell?
08:50Is it on you?
08:51Yes.
08:53Oh, here.
08:55Do you have a phone in your pocket?
08:57Yes.
08:58Can I see it?
09:00Answer.
09:01Take a mug of almond milk
09:04and serve it to the mannequin in the field.
09:06I can't hear it.
09:07You're going to have to describe for me what they're saying.
09:10Hi, I can't hear you.
09:11Can you text me?
09:12I would be forever grateful if you could send me a text.
09:16Pick up.
09:18Take.
09:19Cup.
09:20Mug.
09:21Take a mug of...
09:24Take a mug of almond milk...
09:26And serve it to the mannequin in the field...
09:29Ring the bell.
09:31What is that?
09:32A mannequin.
09:33Take a mug of almond milk to the mannequin.
09:37Ring the bell!
09:38Okay.
09:39A mug of almond milk.
09:44I can't taste any of them.
09:46No.
09:47Maybe.
09:49Maybe.
09:50I think...
09:51Ow.
09:52Ow.
09:53What does almond milk feel like?
09:55Too creamy.
09:56Maybe this one.
09:58It's this.
09:59Okay, that's that.
10:00All right, I'm going to the field.
10:02Okay, here we go.
10:04Oh, blooming heck!
10:06Oh, no!
10:08Mother of pearl.
10:11Where's the mannequin?
10:13Yes!
10:14All right, off we go to the field, Paul.
10:19The mannequin!
10:20Ah!
10:23Oh, gosh!
10:25Milady?
10:27Milady?
10:33Stop the clock.
10:35Is that it?
10:36I've stopped the clock.
10:37I can't hear you, sorry.
10:39Act it out.
10:41Stop.
10:42You stopped the clock.
10:48Fascinating.
10:49Ben, what does almond milk feel like?
10:52It's an excellent question, Jeremy.
10:55I'm not that familiar with the nut milks,
10:58so I had to just kind of guess.
11:00It's kind of watery, I guess.
11:02Yeah.
11:03I don't drink cow milk, and I was like,
11:05I've got this with that technique.
11:08Did I detect, Abby, that at one stage
11:10you were trying to smell which phone was ringing?
11:12Yeah.
11:14I was like, I've got smell, I've got to learn.
11:17I've got to learn to rely on this.
11:19But then I did a new smell for the milks.
11:23What about the times?
11:26Ben, seven minutes, exactly.
11:28Wow.
11:29Very speedy.
11:30We don't know if that's good.
11:32Calm down.
11:33Abby, 13 minutes and 13 seconds.
11:36OK.
11:37Hayley, 10 minutes and 16 seconds.
11:39OK.
11:40However, she did slightly get the mannequin's order wrong.
11:45The mannequin wanted almond milk.
11:48She took some flowery water.
11:51I am so convinced.
11:53Did I get the milk correct?
11:55Correct milk.
11:56You did?
11:57I got that just on vibe.
12:00So true.
12:01I vibed the correct milk.
12:04Wow.
12:05OK.
12:06Now the moment we've all been waiting for,
12:08season five's very first ad break.
12:10We'll be back with more Taskmaster after this.
12:21APPLAUSE
12:26Kitakoto Arnold, welcome back
12:28to the season five premiere of Taskmaster.
12:31Where are we, Paul?
12:33Up next, the two comedians I would rank last and second to last,
12:37personality-wise.
12:39Wow.
12:40It's Torfinga and Tom.
12:47Hey.
12:50Tom, we'll start when the phone rings.
12:53Oh, no.
12:57Where's the phone?
12:59Oh, there we go.
13:01Hello?
13:03My instructions start when the phone rings.
13:06I've got to take a mug of almond milk to a mannequin.
13:09Is she going to have to go up to the kitchen?
13:12No, darling.
13:20I've stopped the clock.
13:22Oh, shit.
13:24Almond milk. Am I finding almond milk?
13:27I've stopped the clock.
13:30We're in the kitchen.
13:32What's this in my hand now?
13:34That's a bottle of...
13:36I'm not sure.
13:38I'm going to go to the kitchen and find almond milk.
13:40OK, but I have stopped the clock.
13:42Do you want to test it for me, if there's almond milk?
13:46I'm not sure.
13:49Hey, Tom.
13:51Tom.
13:52What about this one?
13:54I think that's glue.
13:55Oh, sorry, bro.
13:56No, that's OK.
13:57Oh, no, if I knew this, I would have told you to drink the whole bottle.
14:01Oh.
14:02I've stopped the clock.
14:03Oh, ****, what was that?
14:05I should have taken the instructions.
14:07I'll be back.
14:10Is that almond milk?
14:12No, it's yoghurt.
14:13Try this one.
14:15That tastes like maybe paint and...
14:17Oh, sorry, bro.
14:18No, that's OK.
14:19I have stopped the clock.
14:21Five.
14:23You don't need to do any of this.
14:25OK, I'm going to take this with me.
14:27That could be almond milk.
14:29This one.
14:30Maybe we try that last bottle again, just to make sure.
14:34Paint, for sure.
14:36OK, we'll go with this one.
14:38Tom, can you hear me?
14:41I've stopped the clock already.
14:43The task is done.
14:45OK.
14:46Yeah, keep going.
14:47It's just open pastures.
14:50Are you happy with that?
14:52Five.
14:53I stopped the clock a long time ago.
14:55Five.
14:59I've stopped the clock.
15:01Hello?
15:02Are you happy with that?
15:04You're happy?
15:05I've stopped the clock.
15:06Oh, have you?
15:07Yeah.
15:08Is that it?
15:09Yeah.
15:13Tom, I now understand why you look so uncomfortable
15:16when you're watching everyone else's.
15:18I know, a lot of mistakes made.
15:20You did so much more than you needed to.
15:22I know.
15:23Life in general for me, really.
15:25Did I get the milk right?
15:26It was the correct milk.
15:27What?
15:28But...
15:29But...
15:30But it wasn't in a mug?
15:32It wasn't in a mug, and your time ends when you ring the bell.
15:35Oh, what?
15:37Yes.
15:38So, one minute 33, and he did ring the bell,
15:41and then he continued for a further 12 and a half minutes.
15:45Taufinga, 30 minutes and 32 seconds.
15:48We spent quite a long time trying the different liquids.
15:51Yeah, I could see that.
15:52Yeah, he made me try a few multiple times.
15:55I probably should say to anyone watching,
15:57don't drink glue or paint.
16:00Do drink piss.
16:04Exclusively.
16:06Should we have a look at how we're going to score that?
16:09Well, both Hayley and Tom did not complete the task.
16:12Yeah.
16:13So, what do you think for them?
16:14Zero.
16:15Zero for both.
16:16Really?
16:17Why didn't you complete the task?
16:18You don't get a point for that.
16:19She's got to do what she's got to do.
16:23It's brutal, guys.
16:24I've done a whole season in this way.
16:25Just got to toughen up.
16:27So, Tom disqualified, Hayley disqualified.
16:30Three points for Taufinga?
16:32Yeah.
16:33With 30 minutes and 32 seconds.
16:36Four points for Abby and five points for Ben Hurley.
16:45So, what is our scoreboard looking like now, Paul?
16:48Out in first with nine points, Abby Howells.
16:55OK, let's chuck on another task.
16:58Warning, this next task could get a little messy,
17:02but I'm about to press play
17:05and you Maradonna want to miss this one.
17:18Can't see Paul. Can't see Paul.
17:21Paul?
17:23Hello, Paul?
17:26Ah!
17:27Ah!
17:30Oh, what?
17:32Are you serious, Paul?
17:34Whoa!
17:37Oh!
17:38No, no!
17:40Oh!
17:42That was really impressive.
17:44Thanks for saying it.
17:47Celebrate a football goal.
17:49Most glorious goal celebration wins.
17:52You may only take one kick.
17:54If you miss, you must celebrate regardless.
17:57You have 30 minutes.
17:59Your time starts now.
18:02And do you have a signature celebration?
18:04Well, I'm a New Zealander,
18:06so still somebody watching would go,
18:09a bit much, mate?
18:11Yeah.
18:12Have you ever seen Les Mis, Paul?
18:14Have I seen it?
18:15I performed in it.
18:16Who did you play?
18:18Javert.
18:19Oh!
18:20Got a barbecue and some chicken nibbles.
18:23Make sure there's heaps, man.
18:24OK, I'll try.
18:25I'll put in a good word for you.
18:26With the taskmaster?
18:27Yeah.
18:28OK, thank you.
18:29What's his name again?
18:30The taskmaster?
18:31I see him on TV every now and then, eh?
18:33Him and the lady.
18:34What's her name?
18:35You don't know her name?
18:37Hillary Clinton, eh?
18:38Is it Hillary Clinton?
18:42So that whole intro is clearly designed
18:44to show off your football prowess.
18:46Essentially, yeah.
18:47And then there was an open goal
18:49and you hit the corner of the post.
18:52I could see how genuinely gutted you were there.
18:54Yeah.
18:55I didn't realise when you came in, Paul,
18:57that the assumption was that
18:59you would play with you with the ball.
19:01You know?
19:02Other people were like, oh, you know,
19:04I'm going to get in the goal and have a bit of fun.
19:06But I just watched.
19:08Ironically, it works.
19:09You were the one person I didn't score against.
19:11Yeah.
19:13It's OK, Paul.
19:14I disconcert people.
19:18OK, shall we see some celebrations?
19:20Who's up first?
19:21Serving up a healthy portion of goal,
19:24it's Taufinga.
19:26WHISTLE BLOWS
19:27This is for you, Paul.
19:30Yeah!
19:31Yeah!
19:32All right!
19:33Woo-hoo!
19:34WHISTLE BLOWS
19:35Me, me, me, me, me, me.
19:36Bats, yeah.
19:37Little bats.
19:38Hey, hey.
19:39Ho.
19:40Hey, hey.
19:41Ho.
19:42Tank.
19:43Zoom.
19:44Double tank.
19:45Zoom, zoom.
19:46Away, away.
19:47All right.
19:48Yeah, Paul.
19:49Dance with me, Paul.
19:50Give me a T.
19:51Yeah!
19:52O.
19:53O!
19:54F.
19:55F!
19:56G.
19:57What sort of G was that?
19:58G.
19:59Capital G.
20:00Oh, G.
20:01A.
20:02A.
20:03Yeah, Taufinga!
20:04Yeah, Paul.
20:05Woo-hoo!
20:06Have you cooked that enough?
20:07Yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:08That's good stuff.
20:09Do you want a patty or...?
20:10I'm vegetarian.
20:11Yeah, the chicken's vegetarian.
20:12I don't think so.
20:13That looks like real chicken.
20:14Yeah, but it doesn't eat meat.
20:15It's a vegetarian chicken.
20:16Oh, it eats, like, grains.
20:17Yeah.
20:18And the patty's definitely vegetarian.
20:19That's absolutely true.
20:20Yeah.
20:21Yeah.
20:22Yeah.
20:23Yeah.
20:24Yeah.
20:25That's my favourite chicken, too, because it's so...
20:26It's so good.
20:27The patty's vegetarian.
20:28That's absolutely not vegetarian.
20:29That's genius.
20:30That made me so happy.
20:31It's awesome.
20:32I love the saucy sizzle.
20:33What were the crew like behind the camera?
20:34I feel like they would have just been like,
20:35that's just the kind of thing that gets the crew so excited.
20:36You know what I mean?
20:37I mean, yeah.
20:39I think they were just kind of, like...
20:42So how long have you eaten that chicken?
20:53Like, how long was the...
20:55How long will I have had to live? Not long.
20:57Right.
20:58No, he'd cooked the chicken for...
21:00I measured 44 seconds.
21:02LAUGHTER
21:04OK, I'd like to see another comedian
21:06do an elaborate, over-the-top celebration
21:08after scoring an open goal from two metres away.
21:10Please, Paul.
21:11Will he bend it like Beckham or bend it like Hurley?
21:15LAUGHTER
21:17Ben Hurley steps up for new club Spurs City United.
21:22To score a goal.
21:24Here he goes.
21:26And it's in! It's a goal!
21:29CHEERING
21:31Oh!
21:33Oh!
21:34He's scored a goal.
21:36Who are you? Who are you?
21:38I'll be back soon, lads.
21:39I'm a famous footballer now,
21:41so I'm going to get on my Aston Martin
21:43and go marry a supermodel.
21:45LAUGHTER
21:48BEEP BEEP
21:50I now pronounce you husband and wife.
21:52I love you, supermodel lady.
21:54I love you. Football Ben Hurley.
22:00Oh, wow. What a fantastic footballing career.
22:03PHONE RINGS
22:05Hello? What? Tax?
22:08How often do I have to pay that?
22:10Every year?
22:13Oh, thank God we've moved to a country
22:16with such lax tax laws like Switzerland.
22:19That was close.
22:21Hey, why do you have a suitcase, sweetheart?
22:26Oh!
22:33I scored a goal.
22:35I scored a goal.
22:38Who are you?
22:40Who are you?
22:42APPLAUSE
22:44Oh, wow!
22:46That was good, that was good.
22:48So that was an amazing story arc there.
22:50There was a beginning, a middle,
22:52and then about six endings.
22:54LAUGHTER
22:56It was a long denouement, as they say in the film industry.
22:59And what sort of car were you driving when you went out there?
23:02Was that a Toyota Realm?
23:04I believe it was an Aston Martin.
23:06I think it was a Toyota Aston Martin.
23:08He has a type of Aston Martin called a Demio.
23:11LAUGHTER
23:13Yes. Can you show me another one, please?
23:16Behind every great goalkeeper, there's a ball from Tom Sainsbury.
23:25I did it! I did it!
23:27Yay!
23:34Yeah!
23:36What, ref?
23:38What do you mean, ref? That wasn't a foul.
23:40What are you doing, Bianca?
23:42Bianca, this is about you and me. This is personal.
23:45It's got nothing to do with the rest of the team.
23:48Oh, here we go again.
23:50I was too focused on my football career.
23:52Relationships are an equation of two people, Bianca.
23:56Yeah, I've been thinking about you every day, too.
24:01I think you look pretty great in the ref outfit as well.
24:04I liked how you blew your whistle.
24:10LAUGHTER
24:13WHISTLE BLOWS
24:15You happy with that?
24:17I'd say that would get me fourth place.
24:19That's what we're going for.
24:21APPLAUSE
24:23I thought that's bold of you, Tom,
24:25to think that that's going to get you fourth place.
24:28What is it with you footballers and these off-pitch relationships?
24:33I don't know, just red-blooded blokes up here, mate.
24:36That's right.
24:38I agree with you on Bianca's reffing, though.
24:40That was absolute rubbish.
24:42You had an open goal. Exactly.
24:44What was the foul?
24:46And where was the defence?
24:48Exactly. There was no defence.
24:50Good sport turn there, Tom. Well done.
24:54There was some glory in that celebration, but it was tragic.
24:57Yeah, it was tragic that we now know how Tom Sainsbury pashes.
25:01So much lip. So much lip.
25:03Yeah, but it was like kissing a piece of wood, you know?
25:06Like she was giving nothing.
25:08Wow! Wow!
25:12That's just how girls kiss.
25:14Yeah. It's not.
25:18All right, time now for you at home to celebrate
25:21by taking advantage of these fantastic deals
25:24from our commercial sponsors.
25:26We'll see you after the break.
25:31Welcome back to Taskmaster.
25:33A beautiful show where we're playing the beautiful game.
25:36Isn't that right? Beautiful, Paul.
25:38Kind of. Thanks for calling me beautiful.
25:40We're watching our contestants celebrate scoring a goal.
25:43Most glorious celebration wins.
25:45So far, we've had two break-ups
25:47and one barbecue that breaks all food safety standards.
25:50So far, we've had two break-ups
25:52and one barbecue that breaks all food safety standards.
25:55So far, we've had two break-ups
25:57and one barbecue that breaks all food safety standards.
26:00What have we got next?
26:02Hayley Sproul. More like Hayley Wow. What a goal.
26:07WHISTLE BLOWS
26:10HE GRUNTS
26:12HE SCREAMS
26:14HE SCREAMS
26:16HE SCREAMS
26:18HE SCREAMS
26:20HE SCREAMS
26:22HE SCREAMS
26:24HE SCREAMS
26:26HE SCREAMS
26:29HE SCREAMS
26:32Thank you. Where's my girlfriend?
26:34Come here, baby. You're gonna want to get this.
26:37Paulina, I wanted to wait for this moment
26:40where I won the World Cup for Aotearoa New Zealand.
26:43Shoot.
26:45HE SCREAMS
26:47Will you marry me, baby? Of course I will.
26:50HE GRUNTS
26:52HE GRUNTS
26:54HE GRUNTS
26:56Mmmm.
26:58Mmmm.
27:00Mmmm.
27:02Mmmm.
27:04Mmmm.
27:06Sorry, my nipples.
27:08LAUGHTER
27:10APPLAUSE
27:12I think having a goalie in there really
27:14creates some authenticity and it really
27:16ups the stakes. Yeah, it did.
27:18I think as well, I was really
27:20excited to see the slow-mo, but boy
27:22it was really giving a lot, wasn't it?
27:24Can I just point out that
27:26I feel that there wasn't enough lip in that.
27:28LAUGHTER
27:30Paul and I both went to drama school and it's a
27:32very old technique that you use to kiss
27:34when it's not appropriate to touch lips.
27:36Well that, that was money well
27:38spent, my friend.
27:40At least you used a proper
27:42human and not a mannequin.
27:44And can I just say the
27:46authenticity of that lesbian Paulina's
27:48undercut. Honestly? Yeah.
27:50LAUGHTER
27:52I felt seen, I felt my people
27:54were seen. I think
27:56you're an incredible ally, Paul.
27:58It is definitely
28:00the least toxic relationship
28:02that we've seen so far. Thank you.
28:04Do you feel like on the scale from
28:06mannequin to human, Paul is
28:08in the middle?
28:10LAUGHTER
28:12I reckon I could handle one more
28:14of these, Paul. Sure thing, Jeremy.
28:16Abby Howell? More like Abby
28:18Wow, she also scored a goal.
28:20It's Abby Howell's.
28:22Oh, my village
28:24has been attacked.
28:26Oh,
28:28Mon Pierre, you have been hit.
28:30Bonjour. Bonjour.
28:32Score a goal for me.
28:34Score a goal for you,
28:36Panja.
28:38No.
28:40Score a goal.
28:42It is the least that I can do.
28:46Oh!
28:48I've got to score a goal.
28:50Score a goal for...
28:56Victory
28:58for France!
29:00They may take our lives,
29:02but through football,
29:04we will never
29:06die!
29:10LAUGHTER
29:18APPLAUSE
29:24What a journey.
29:26Powerful stuff.
29:28Oh, my gosh.
29:30Magnifique.
29:32It'd be good if you'd have got up and gone,
29:34master of the house, keep your eye on the...
29:36Oh, he's
29:38Marius.
29:40Oh, is that not who that is?
29:42No, that's the master of the goddamn house.
29:44Oh, you know everything about crickets.
29:46LAUGHTER
29:48The quote from you was
29:50beautiful.
29:52Go on.
29:54They may take our lives, but through football,
29:56we will never die.
29:58LAUGHTER
30:00Yeah, it's beautiful and glorious.
30:02I'd also maybe like to draw attention
30:04to Paul's character, Jean-Pierre.
30:06Jean-Pierre was good.
30:08Yes. I've got to say.
30:10So, if you like Jean-Pierre Strappen,
30:12because he appears in...
30:14Yeah.
30:16I will point out that most of Abbey's did happen
30:18before she scored the goal.
30:20Paul!
30:22LAUGHTER
30:24The word, Jeremy, we were used was glorious.
30:26OK? We were given the word glorious.
30:28Yep. And I thought yours was glorious.
30:30Indeed.
30:32I thought...
30:34And I think that you deserve four points.
30:36Thank you, Jeremy. Wow.
30:38Appreciate. I mean, I showed myself
30:40in all my glory.
30:42And I think you deserve five points.
30:44Yes! Now, I loved both yours,
30:46Tom, and I also loved yours, Ben,
30:48but there was so much tragedy involved
30:50in that. So I'm going to give you guys
30:52two points each. And then
30:54the barbecue was genius, so I'll give that three.
30:56So, two points each
30:58for Ben and Tom, three points for Tolfinga,
31:00four points for Abbey, and five points
31:02for Hayley Sproul.
31:04That's it.
31:06APPLAUSE
31:09OK, Paul.
31:11I believe it's time for another task.
31:13Yes, but not just any task.
31:15This task is one of our biggest
31:17tasks ever.
31:19MUSIC
31:21MUSIC
31:23MUSIC
31:25Ta-da!
31:27Oh!
31:29Ooh!
31:31Pardon me. Hello, Tolfinga.
31:33Thank you, sir. Wow.
31:35A cornucopia of tasks.
31:37Is this my cue?
31:39What do you mean? Oh.
31:41LAUGHTER
31:43Little pool cues.
31:45Mind if I sit down, Paul?
31:47Go for it. OK, what have we got?
31:49Complete all the tasks on the roof.
31:51You may only touch a task using
31:53these pool cues. Fastest wins.
31:55Oh
31:57my God. Your time
31:59starts now.
32:01APPLAUSE
32:03Who's going first?
32:05Your hand is striking task o'clock.
32:07It's time for Big Ben.
32:09Shall I pull them down, I guess?
32:11OK. And pull down.
32:13And...
32:15Come on, man. Come on, man.
32:17Cheer Paul up.
32:19What's going to cheer you up? A dance?
32:21LAUGHTER
32:23Yeah, a little smile
32:25there. Did that work?
32:27LAUGHTER
32:29Good.
32:31Help Paul make some lunch.
32:33Oh, what about a peanut butter sandwich?
32:35OK, only 400 more
32:37tasks to go.
32:39Here we go. Don't worry
32:41about this one. Yes,
32:43thank you.
32:51Hang on a minute.
32:55This isn't the roof.
32:57What do you mean?
32:59This is the ceiling.
33:01Is there actually a task
33:03on the roof out there? There's like one.
33:07I don't see any
33:09tasks. Oh!
33:11High five, Paul!
33:13I did it!
33:15APPLAUSE
33:17CHEERING
33:19APPLAUSE
33:21I thought there was something
33:23strange about this particular
33:25task, and just watching everybody's
33:27reaction here was
33:29gold.
33:31I agree, Jeremy. I agree.
33:33Oh, my gosh!
33:35It was interesting to see how the wheels of your
33:37brain... I could see the moment where
33:39it turned over for you.
33:41Sherlock Holmes-like. Yeah, I genuinely
33:43thought I'd done too many
33:45even there, but looking now
33:47I'm clearly pretty
33:49smug.
33:51How long did it take, Ben?
33:53Not long.
33:5512 minutes and 41 seconds.
33:57And were you opening all of the tasks with the cues?
33:59I thought you were allowed to touch them.
34:01You couldn't touch the ones on the roof.
34:03Yeah.
34:05What?
34:07Well, I can't wait to
34:09see how long it takes for our other contestants to
34:11figure out Paul's little trick, but I'm going to
34:13have to, because it's time to cut to
34:15some ads. More Taskmaster after
34:17this.
34:19APPLAUSE
34:21MUSIC
34:23MUSIC
34:25MUSIC
34:27APPLAUSE
34:29APPLAUSE
34:31Welcome back to
34:33Taskmaster, where we're just discovering
34:35how few New Zealand comedians
34:37know what the word roof
34:39means. Take it away,
34:41Paul. Our contestants were tasked
34:43with completing all the tasks
34:45on the roof. Up next,
34:47their initials spell the word hat,
34:49which is fitting because
34:51a roof is like a hat for a
34:53house. It's Hayley,
34:55Abby and Tom.
34:57Chair Paul
34:59up. You are bringing so much to
35:01the world. Thank you.
35:03Throw a grape into Paul's mouth and cross the road.
35:05Oh, good boy!
35:07Lead Paul in a one-minute
35:09exercise class. One,
35:11two...
35:13Don't worry about this one.
35:15Write a thrilling two-person play
35:17and perform it with Paul.
35:19I've put a swear word in here and I want you to really deliver it
35:21to me. Maybe if
35:23you touched me like
35:25you used to. Like this?
35:29I prefer the touch of your brother.
35:33Whore.
35:35That's the swear word.
35:37Yeah.
35:39Shake Paul's hand for five minutes.
35:41I feel like I could be doing other tasks while I'm doing
35:43this. Completely cover the
35:45desk. Make
35:47Paul drink a litre of liquid.
35:49Yes.
35:51Draw a portrait of a
35:53celebrity. Paul must be able
35:55to recognise who it is.
36:01Now that could be one of two people.
36:03Give yourself a big makeover.
36:07I went for big and bold.
36:09Play hacky sack with Paul
36:11until you complete six consecutive
36:13hackys. One,
36:15two, three, four, five,
36:17six! Six.
36:21Give me five
36:23my friend.
36:25Give you what? Five.
36:27I've stopped
36:29the clock. You've stopped? Yeah.
36:31Is that the end? Yeah.
36:33Okay. Count how many fingers
36:35Paul is holding up.
36:37One, two, three, four, five. My man.
36:39Oh, Paul.
36:43Nah, how many am I holding up?
36:45Oh.
36:47Five? Yeah.
36:49It's just a silly trick.
36:51So many
36:53still. I'm losing
36:55it, Paul.
36:57Play
36:59paper scissors rock with Paul.
37:01Make Paul a drink.
37:03Name 18 countries that Paul knows the capital
37:05city of. Collect
37:0710 vastly different green things.
37:0910! Gosh.
37:11He's got 11. And now we just have one more.
37:15Follow my dreams.
37:17I will.
37:19And that's the last
37:21one. You can
37:23stop the clock if you want.
37:25That's not how it works.
37:27I've done every single task.
37:29All the information you need is in the task.
37:35No.
37:37This is
37:39not a good sign.
37:45I feel like
37:47I'm in a horror movie.
37:49Do all the tasks on the roof.
37:51Is there a task on the roof?
37:53Oh, there's a task on the roof.
37:55Okay.
37:57I can't read it. I've got to go downstairs.
37:59No!
38:01High five, Paul.
38:07Stop the clock.
38:15I feel like
38:17Abbey deserves some counselling
38:19after that because that was intense.
38:21I think me sitting on the glass at the end.
38:23You know that portrait of a woman
38:25who's like this?
38:27It was like that. It was true
38:29despair, sadness.
38:31Well, you were there. I know.
38:33You were there. I know.
38:35But I was trying to be sassy
38:37for the television.
38:39Be sassy?
38:41I was trying to be sassy for the television and provide
38:43entertainment for all of you.
38:45There's a little bit of karma there, Abbey, because you're not
38:47supposed to leave anyone hanging.
38:49Okay. The interesting thing
38:51for you, Tom, and you as well,
38:53Hayley, is that you had no idea why on earth
38:55you'd finished. Oh, we did.
38:57No, I did it.
38:59I did it.
39:01So what were the times?
39:03Tom high-fived me after 31 minutes
39:05and 26 seconds.
39:07Hayley, 43 minutes and 8 seconds.
39:09Abbey,
39:111 hour, 10 minutes and 41 seconds.
39:13Okay, so by
39:15my calculations, Paul,
39:17there's still one contestant left.
39:19Yes. Last but not least,
39:21but also not most, I like all the
39:23contestants equally.
39:25It's Tofinga.
39:27Do the tusk on the roof.
39:29And what's the tusk on the roof?
39:31Uh, what do you
39:33mean?
39:35Don't tell me it's outside.
39:37I'm trying to see if I can find it from here.
39:39Does that look like a
39:41tusk up there? I've got bad eyes, mate.
39:43Can you go up there and read it for me?
39:45It says
39:47high-five Paul. Yeah!
39:49Another man.
39:51Stop the clock.
39:57So, it turns out
39:59that it's one of the easiest tasks
40:01we've ever had on Taskmaster.
40:03He didn't even regard the ceiling.
40:05He must have been like, I guess
40:07that's for another task.
40:09I was changed.
40:13I am starting to detect there's a bit of
40:15a through line going on here with Tofinga, though.
40:17He gets you to do absolutely everything.
40:19He's incredibly polite,
40:21so I'm happy to help. So how long did he
40:23take in the end? So, it actually
40:25wasn't quite as quick as it looked, because
40:27Tofinga, he definitely doesn't move
40:29with a lot of urgency.
40:31So, 10 minutes and 18 seconds.
40:33What were
40:35you doing for 10 minutes and 18 seconds?
40:37He sits there for a bit, and then we sort of
40:39just meandered out.
40:41Yeah.
40:43Still, even at that pace, he did beat
40:45Abby by over an hour.
40:49You're saying, so he cooked the meat
40:51for less.
40:57With that time, that means one point for
40:59Abby, two points for Hayley, three points
41:01for Tom, four points for Ben,
41:03and five points for Tofinga.
41:07OK.
41:09So, if that task has inspired you to go and
41:11check your roof for any secret messages,
41:13now is your chance. We'll be back
41:15with a live task, and the
41:17winner of episode one after
41:19these ads.
41:33Tēnā tātou. Welcome back
41:35to Taskmaster, where we're about to find
41:37out which lucky comedian
41:39will be forced to take home five of
41:41the worst cups in existence.
41:43But before we get on to
41:45our live task, we'd better have a little squiz
41:47at the old scoreboard pool.
41:49So anyone can win it tonight,
41:51apart from Tom. Ahead by one
41:53point on 14 is Abby
41:55Howells.
41:59OK, you lot, please head to the stage
42:01for your live task.
42:07Alright, can someone talk me through what's happening here?
42:09Tom Sainsbury, could you please
42:11read this task?
42:15Simultaneously toss both your
42:17shoes off the stage.
42:19Furthest apart landed shoes,
42:21each round will be eliminated.
42:23The first round, you must
42:25throw the shoes with one in each
42:27hand. You cannot attach your shoes
42:29together in any way. Last person
42:31standing wins. Abby,
42:33please throw from your mat.
42:35You may not move your mat. Golly.
42:37Let me smell yours.
42:39Good luck, Abby. You smell like mustard.
42:43Now you're going to have mustard hands.
42:45Let her focus, let her focus.
42:47Excuse me, can you let me focus?
42:49Excuse me, I'm talking to mustard
42:51hands here.
42:53Oh, lovely.
42:55That was a good try.
42:57Ben.
42:59Here we go.
43:03That's close. Feeling good, feeling good.
43:05So Hayley's chosen a sort of black leather
43:07loafer with a buckle. Classic mustard
43:09hands, right?
43:13Oh, it fell favourably.
43:15Lovely.
43:17No, it's terrible.
43:19It's too bouncy. Wait for it, wait for it.
43:21Oh.
43:25Eliminated in round one,
43:27Madeleine Sami.
43:29Representing Tofini.
43:31It was thrilling. Paul, do you want a shoe boy?
43:33I could be a shoe boy. What is a shoe boy?
43:35The tennis ball boy.
43:37I might take you up on that.
43:39You'll be throwing both shoes
43:41simultaneously in your
43:43weak hand.
43:45Lovely.
43:47Oh, Ben, no.
43:51Oh, for God's sake.
43:55Oh.
43:59Oh.
44:01Abbey, 84.5
44:03centimetres.
44:05Dramatic.
44:07Look at the suspense.
44:09Tom's shoes,
44:1191 centimetres.
44:13Congrats.
44:15Thank you so much.
44:17For round three,
44:19you will be throwing the shoes
44:21simultaneously over your heads
44:23without looking.
44:29It couldn't get worse.
44:31They're actually in different postcards.
44:35Oh.
44:37So Hayley needs Ben
44:39to have a shocker here.
44:41You suck.
44:45Oh.
44:47Hayley, you are eliminated.
44:49Sorry, I need you.
44:53For the final round,
44:55you will kick the shoes with your feet
44:57one at a time.
44:59Oh, that's good.
45:01Yes.
45:03Oh.
45:05That's good.
45:07That's good.
45:09That's good.
45:11Very good.
45:17OK.
45:19This is not a bad place to be there, I reckon.
45:27The winner of the live task, Abbey Howell.
45:31Come on down, everyone,
45:33and we'll give out some points.
45:37How did that all go, Paul?
45:39In order of elimination,
45:41we have one point for Tofinga via Madeline,
45:43two points for Tom, three points for Hayley,
45:45four points for Ben,
45:47and five points for Abbey Howells,
45:49which means
45:51the winner of episode one
45:53of season five of Taskmaster
45:55is Abbey Howells.
45:57There we go.
45:59Congratulations, Abbey.
46:01You are now the proud owner of a collection
46:03of truly terrible cups.
46:05Go up and enjoy your bounty.
46:09Our first episode of the season in the can,
46:11but what did we learn?
46:13We learned that two out of five football celebrations
46:15end in marriage.
46:17We learned that the difference
46:19between a ceiling and a roof
46:21is your sanity.
46:23And most importantly,
46:25we learned that Abbey Howells is the winner
46:27of episode one.
46:29Congratulations, Abbey.
46:31Thanks so much for watching.
46:33We'll see you next time. Ka kite anō.
46:49Did someone say we're lying?
46:57Well done, old chap.
47:01Possibly the greatest thing that's ever happened
47:03in the history of New Zealand.