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ozmartian
  • 8/14/2024

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00:00Hello.
00:01And...
00:02Two!
00:03Come on!
00:04Woo-hoo!
00:05That's for the haters.
00:06Come here.
00:07Come here.
00:08Jiggle-biddle-chee!
00:09Oh!
00:10Yeah!
00:11He-he-he-he!
00:12Good Akoko card tour and welcome to Taskmaster.
00:39My name is Jeremy Wells and it has taken years for me to reach the incredible status
00:45I have today.
00:47I joined the television industry as a task officer, before working my way up to task
00:53lieutenant, then task commander and task rear admiral, until five years ago when I was promoted
01:02to the highest rank in New Zealand television.
01:06That's right, I am now the Taskmaster.
01:11Tonight, I will sit in a chair that Caligula would describe as tasteful and understated,
01:19and watch as five comedians perform a series of ridiculous tasks, all in the hopes of winning
01:26this.
01:30A magnificent golden trophy that took three hours to make, and my head was covered in
01:36goo the whole time, and let me be the first to tell you, it was not worth it competing
01:42for this trophy.
01:44Please welcome, Abbey Howells, Ben Hurley, Hayley Sproul, and Tom Sainsbury, and in
01:57lieu of Te Whenga Whipuliai tonight, back again, it's your friend and my colleague,
02:03Matt Heath.
02:08And beside me as always is my assistant, he has the gentle energy of someone who is either
02:14never been in a violent situation, or has otherwise committed dozens of murders.
02:20Please, put your hands together for Paul Williams.
02:26Jeremy, I was wondering if before we get started you could sign my petition.
02:32What's a petition for?
02:34You know when you go to like a sit down restaurant, and you get a burger, the burger's too tall.
02:40Like I can't fit it in my mouth, I'm sorry, but if you have to stick a knife down through
02:44it to keep it together, that burger is too tall.
02:47Okay, so you want me to sign something?
02:51Just on that please.
02:52It's a blank piece of paper.
02:53Okay, you got me, I wanted your autograph for my niece.
02:59If you could make it out to her, her name is Paul Williams.
03:04Is that what you want?
03:10Yes, please.
03:12God help me.
03:20Okay, what's our prize task tonight, Paul?
03:23Tonight we've asked our contestants to bring in the best thing that makes you go,
03:28hmm, I don't know about that.
03:32So let's start with Matt, you are in here as a surrogate for Tofinga.
03:37What have you brought in?
03:39Something that I've dipped into a couple of times, but it's still quite a big mystery to me,
03:43but it's the woman's reproductive system.
03:50You've only got two children?
03:52Yeah, but I can't see in there when that's happening, if you know what I mean.
03:57Tom, do you reckon you can better that?
03:59Look, I found mine at like a market, and I thought, hmm, I don't know about that.
04:03I've named her...
04:06I've named her Abby Haley.
04:08Oh, thank you.
04:10And you might not realise that, but if you peel up her skirts,
04:14you'll find a toilet roll in there.
04:16Wow.
04:17Tom, you can't confuse Matt like this.
04:19Like, pull up the woman's skirt and there's a toilet roll in there?
04:22Yeah, I know.
04:23His head already doesn't know.
04:25Is that normal?
04:27Sometimes.
04:34Is there a practical reason for it?
04:35Because are you just keeping your toilet roll warm?
04:39I think it was an idea that seeing a toilet roll was somehow revolting.
04:43It was unseemly.
04:44It was unseemly.
04:45Unsightly.
04:46So that's way more unsightly though, isn't it?
04:49Abby.
04:50Yes?
04:51What's something that you went, hmm, I don't know about that?
04:54Well, I brought in my friend Eric.
04:59And I'm actually here to advocate for him.
05:02Because initially you'd be like, oh, I don't know about that.
05:05That's a ventriloquist dummy with a dirty Phantom of the Opera mask on it.
05:10So Eric was actually in my first ever solo stand-up show I did.
05:14And we travelled all over the world together.
05:17Can you do Eric's voice for us?
05:19He was like, hello Abby.
05:22I love women's comedy.
05:23I support you so much.
05:27Ben.
05:28So I get motion sickness.
05:29I get car sickness.
05:31Which I think we can all agree is both sexy and cool.
05:36So I went on the internet to try and find a cure.
05:39Because I'd tried everything.
05:41And I purchased these glasses that you put on.
05:49And they have liquid in them so that you have an equilibrium at all times.
05:54And do they work?
05:56Hmm, I don't know about that.
06:00Hayley, what did you bring in?
06:04I've actually brought in this cuck chair.
06:07Now the winner of tonight's show doesn't get this chair.
06:13But what they do get is to come over to my house.
06:16They can sit in that chair.
06:18And then either myself or my partner Aaron will make love to either someone who wins it.
06:24Or their partner or spouse.
06:26Hmm, tell me more.
06:29What a prize that would be.
06:31Cheapest.
06:32And so we get to see all of these things.
06:34To be honest it's actually open to anyone and everyone watching.
06:36They can come over and sit in my cuck chair.
06:38Okay.
06:39Yourself included Jeremy.
06:40And while there's a lot of motion going on, these would come in handy.
06:43So I'm going to have to score this.
06:46The Abby Hayley.
06:48My grandmother actually had one of those.
06:49So I'm quite familiar with them.
06:51So I'm going to give you one point for that.
06:52Because I've seen a lot of those.
06:54Matt, very familiar with the female reproductive system.
06:57Two points there.
06:59Not only the master of tasks.
07:03Three points for Ben's motion sickness glasses.
07:07Four points only just for that horrific ventriloquist dummy.
07:12He's an ally Jeremy.
07:14And five points for you Hayley.
07:22So what is our first proper task Paul?
07:25It's time to bring some order to the chaos.
07:36Hello Taufinga.
07:37Hello Paul.
07:38Hello.
07:39Hello Abby.
07:40Hello Ben.
07:41Hi.
07:42This looks exciting.
07:43What a strange collection of goods.
07:46Space these objects out in the right order.
07:49Fastest and most accurate object order wins.
07:53You have ten minutes.
07:55Your time starts now.
07:59The right order for what?
08:01Is this one object?
08:03Mmhmm.
08:04Okay.
08:08Alright, let's get on to it.
08:09Who's ordering are we going to see first?
08:11Up first, it's Ben Hayley and Hurley Sproul.
08:15In the right order.
08:17Just got anything useful in here?
08:19Anna.
08:20Anna.
08:21Anna.
08:22Those are mine.
08:23Yeah.
08:24Property of Paul.
08:25Bit odd.
08:26That's a chocolate bar.
08:27That's a fork.
08:28That's a temperature.
08:29A satin handkerchief.
08:31Venus flytrap.
08:32A plate of soil.
08:33And a shoe with some pita bread.
08:35These don't make a great deal of sense to me.
08:37I'm just going to put it in alphabetical order.
08:39T.U.V.
08:41Paul's pervert folder.
08:42P.
08:43There we go.
08:44That's not correct.
08:45That's not correct.
08:46Is it the story of man?
08:48The sun started it all didn't it?
08:49And that's sort of a temperature there.
08:51So you've walked to get some bread.
08:53And you've eaten the bread.
08:54And that's your dessert.
08:55Boom!
08:56Earth sprung life.
08:58And then we sort of evolved from life to man.
09:02Then man was like,
09:04Whoa.
09:06Bloody hungry.
09:07So he learnt how to eat.
09:09And then on the way home,
09:10You see a nice Venus flytrap.
09:12Then it's its story of how it eats.
09:15Oh okay, so that's kind of setting up the sequel.
09:17Yeah, the sequel.
09:18Yeah.
09:19Got you.
09:20Well it's not that.
09:21This one, bless you.
09:22Are you allergic to the plants maybe?
09:25I'm allergic to your bullshit.
09:26What?
09:27Sorry, sorry about that.
09:30Maybe it's the size.
09:33Yep.
09:34No sorry.
09:35Oh not again.
09:36Is that the order?
09:37That's not the order.
09:38Is that the order?
09:39That's not the order.
09:40Is that the order?
09:41That's not the order.
09:46It's hard to tell what the order is there.
09:48Do you know what?
09:49I give up.
09:50I give up.
09:51I'm just going to enjoy myself for 20 seconds.
09:55You've got one minute and seven seconds.
09:57Yeah.
09:58Can you put that in the dirt?
10:00Yep.
10:03Alright.
10:04Thank you Ben.
10:05Alright.
10:10Okay Paul, well before we go on,
10:11I think we probably need to address your swearing,
10:14your rudeness towards Hayley.
10:16Would you like to apologise to Hayley for that?
10:18I'm sorry Hayley.
10:20I will say,
10:21I knew that as soon as she agreed to come on the show
10:24that I was going to have allergy flare ups.
10:28Because I am legit allergic to her bullshit.
10:32I'm still bamboozled by that by the way.
10:34I have no idea.
10:35Do you know what?
10:36I don't want any points.
10:37That task was dumb.
10:40Alright, stop everything.
10:41It's time to go to an ad break and sell some stuff.
10:44Why not entertain yourself
10:45by putting all the products in order
10:47from most to least evil?
10:50We'll see you soon.
11:03Kia ora koutou.
11:04Welcome back to Taskmaster.
11:06Before the break,
11:07we were watching comedians attempt
11:08to put 8 objects in a specific order
11:11because it's season 5
11:12and we're running out of ideas.
11:16Who's up next Paul?
11:18Let me put the sentence in alphabetical order.
11:21Abbey and Howells,
11:22it's Sainsbury Tom.
11:27Anna Nicole,
11:28Anna Paquin,
11:29Anna,
11:30Anna,
11:31um,
11:32Anna's.
11:33These are all Anna's.
11:34They're mine.
11:35I love my Anna's.
11:37No, they're not your Anna's.
11:39They were your Anna's.
11:41My apologies.
11:42Peter, shoe,
11:43Peter,
11:44pan,
11:45Peter.
11:46Oh and there's a foot
11:47in the basket.
11:48Pluto.
11:49You don't need to put that in there.
11:50I don't need to?
11:51No, that's just rubbish.
11:52That's nothing.
11:53Okay.
11:54Sainsbury,
11:55brain,
11:56don't fail me now.
11:58Pluto.
11:59So Snickers,
12:00was that a Mars?
12:01Can I just check?
12:02Is it a Mars?
12:03I'm not familiar with these.
12:04It's a Mars.
12:08They're the planets.
12:10Pluto's not a planet anymore.
12:12Venus.
12:13Okay, I've got it.
12:15Autism rules.
12:17Tim's recognition.
12:20My man.
12:22Okay, Mercury,
12:24Venus,
12:25Earth.
12:27We've got Mars and we've got Venus.
12:29Mars.
12:31Jupiter.
12:32Jupiter.
12:33Jupiter.
12:36Saturn.
12:37This is Saturn.
12:40Neptune.
12:41It's like a tuning fork.
12:43It's Neptune.
12:44It's his trident.
12:45Uranus.
12:47Uranus.
12:51Stop the clock.
12:52Mercury,
12:53Venus,
12:54Earth,
12:55Mars,
12:56Jupiter,
12:57Saturn,
12:58Uranus,
12:59Neptune.
13:00Pluto.
13:01I feel alive.
13:02I feel electric.
13:10Well,
13:11first off, Abby,
13:12congratulations on the autism.
13:13Thank you so much.
13:14It's an honour and a privilege.
13:17That was really good.
13:18This all makes me think
13:19maybe I need to get tested.
13:23That was the test.
13:26Congratulations,
13:27you're in the club.
13:28Yay!
13:29Don't look me in the eyes.
13:34How did
13:35watching that
13:36make you guys feel?
13:38Just real
13:39dumb.
13:42Yeah, pretty dumb.
13:43On the bright side,
13:44I don't have to wear
13:45headphones at concerts.
13:53I went to a concert
13:54and I did wear
13:55some headphones.
13:58And I remember thinking
13:59I'd be everything
14:00so I'd look real cool.
14:03Okay, by my calculations
14:04we've still got
14:05one
14:06comedian left,
14:07Paul.
14:08Correct, Jeremy.
14:09And even if you're
14:10terrible at putting things
14:11in order,
14:13you can probably guess
14:14who's coming up next.
14:15It's Taufinga.
14:18What's her name again?
14:19Anna Paquin.
14:21Why have you got
14:22all these pictures of her?
14:23Those are my Annas.
14:24Your Annas?
14:25Yeah.
14:28Okay.
14:29What sort of plant is this?
14:30It's a Venus flytrap.
14:31A what?
14:32Venus flytrap.
14:33A Venus flytrap?
14:35It traps
14:36flies.
14:37Just flies?
14:38Why are you asking?
14:40I was wondering
14:41if you wanted to trap
14:42a fork.
14:45Now I know why
14:46the fork's there.
14:47Why?
14:48Because I'm wondering
14:49what the fork this
14:50is all about, man.
14:51Are you enjoying this one?
14:52It's probably
14:53my favourite task
14:54of all time.
14:56I just wish I had
14:57my family here.
14:58It's just a wonder.
14:59You've got 4 minutes
15:00and 22 seconds.
15:01Thank you, Paul.
15:02It's really helping me.
15:04It's okay.
15:09It might help me think.
15:10It does still need
15:11to be in the order, though.
15:12Oh, yeah.
15:13I'll leave it a little bit.
15:15I just have to get the order right.
15:16It doesn't have to explain
15:17what it's supposed
15:18to mean, eh?
15:19Yeah.
15:21That is not the correct order.
15:24That's not right.
15:26That's not right,
15:27but you're not that far off.
15:28Not that far off.
15:33It's quite a stink task.
15:34Okay.
15:35There's 10 minutes
15:36I can't get back
15:37in my life, Paul.
15:38I've got to spend that
15:39with my kids
15:40doing their maths homework,
15:42telling them a story
15:43before they go to bed.
15:44But you ask me,
15:45come here, do this.
15:49Thanks, Paul.
15:50Thank you, Tofinga.
15:56Okay, Paul.
15:57Would you like to
15:58publicly apologise
15:59to Tofinga
16:00for taking him away
16:01from his kids?
16:03Sorry, Tofinga.
16:05That's a heartfelt apology.
16:06Yeah.
16:10Sorry.
16:12Having a flare-up.
16:16Matt, would you like
16:17to explain
16:18whether or not
16:19you thought Tofinga
16:20was being sarcastic
16:21when he said that he...
16:22No.
16:23No, he wasn't.
16:24And we at Team Tofinga,
16:25we don't approve
16:26of that task.
16:28I don't think
16:29we even want to be part
16:30of that order.
16:31I don't approve.
16:32We approve.
16:33We actually
16:34might just boycott that.
16:35Yeah.
16:36And I think
16:37we're a majority now,
16:38so I reckon
16:39that task gets stricken
16:40from the record.
16:41I mean, I think
16:42luckily
16:43you aren't a part of it
16:44because you get no points at all.
16:45So I think that's fine.
16:46Yeah, well, no,
16:47but we still,
16:48you're not giving us no points.
16:49We're not taking the points.
16:51We don't want your points.
16:52We don't want your points.
16:53We don't want the points.
16:54Because if I gave you points
16:55you wouldn't take them.
16:56Well, how many
16:57are you offering?
17:00How are we going to
17:01divvy up the points, Paul?
17:02So it was timed.
17:03Tom and Abby,
17:04the only two
17:05to successfully
17:06order the items.
17:08Tom in 8 minutes
17:09and 54 seconds.
17:11Abby in 4 minutes
17:12and 10 seconds.
17:16That's impressive.
17:19So how would you like
17:20to score it?
17:21Probably a 4 and a 5.
17:22So 4 for Tom.
17:23Yeah.
17:24And 5 points
17:25for Abby Howells.
17:28It's only fair.
17:29OK, so where does
17:30that leave the episode
17:31score so far, Paul?
17:32Out in first
17:33with 9 points,
17:34Abby Howells.
17:38Now, Paul,
17:39these tasks
17:40are just like
17:41a potato snack
17:42that I'm not
17:43allowed to name.
17:44I have popped
17:45and I cannot stop.
17:46Give me another one,
17:47please.
17:48It's another team task
17:49and it's time
17:50for a good old-fashioned
17:51boxing match.
18:04Oh, wow.
18:05OK.
18:06He's got it.
18:07OK.
18:08Hey, Paul.
18:09This is exciting.
18:10Kia ora, Paulie.
18:11You go, mate.
18:13OK.
18:14Build the tallest skyscraper
18:15out of the boxes
18:16without leaving
18:17your designated areas.
18:19One person will build,
18:20the other two
18:21will supply boxes.
18:23The supplier
18:24may request a box
18:25by asking Paul
18:26for it
18:27by number.
18:28That supplier
18:29must do an impression
18:30of the person
18:31written on the box
18:33if the builder
18:34guesses the impression
18:35correctly.
18:36The supplier
18:37may supply it.
18:38The builder
18:39may not request
18:40a new box
18:41until the last impression
18:42has been guessed.
18:44If you cheat,
18:45Paul will knock over
18:46your skyscraper
18:47and you must start again.
18:49Tallest skyscraper wins.
18:51You have one minute
18:52to discuss your roles
18:53and 15 minutes
18:54to build.
18:55Your time starts now.
18:56I reckon you be the impressionist.
18:57And you be the builder?
18:58Mm.
18:59You want me to be the builder?
19:00Yeah, you go builder.
19:01I'm confident to be in here.
19:02Yeah, I trust you.
19:03OK, and we'll do
19:04the impression.
19:05Yeah, oh boy.
19:10How quick
19:11was Ben Hurley
19:12to say
19:13right Hayley,
19:14you do the acting
19:15and I'm going to do the building.
19:16Building's for boys,
19:17acting's for girls.
19:18No, Hayley spent
19:19$38,000
19:20on an acting degree
19:21that she's never used.
19:24Alright, who's first?
19:25It's the team of three.
19:27Suppliers ready?
19:28We're ready.
19:30Builder ready?
19:31Ready.
19:32Let's go for
19:33number 29
19:34Raid a beautiful house
19:35out of gingerbread.
19:37Oh, the witch
19:38from Hansel and Gretel.
19:39Yes!
19:40We got it!
19:41Go, go, go, go!
19:42OK, let's go for
19:43number 45.
19:45I'm a bit
19:46of a star man
19:47you might say.
19:48Oh, David Bowie.
19:49Yeah!
19:50Yeah!
19:52You do one.
19:54I'm Norman Bates.
19:56I'm from Hitchcock.
19:57Oh, his mother.
19:58Mother...
19:59No.
20:01You're holding a knife
20:02from Psycho.
20:03Yeah!
20:04A knife from Psycho.
20:05Yeah!
20:06That's not a character!
20:07Let's go for
20:0853.
20:10Marilyn Monroe.
20:11I'm chocolate.
20:12I melt in the mouth
20:13not in the hand.
20:15You're the green M&M.
20:16Yeah!
20:17Correct.
20:18You go for it.
20:19Number four.
20:20I don't even know
20:21who this is.
20:22Should we just
20:23say his name
20:24so we can go
20:25on to the next one?
20:26Yeah.
20:27Ernest Rutherford.
20:28Yeah!
20:29Correct.
20:30Ernest Rutherford.
20:33Oh, no!
20:34Oh, no!
20:35I'm so sorry.
20:3614.
20:37Yes.
20:38Please be easy.
20:41Oh, I really love
20:42doing magic.
20:43Harry Potter's...
20:44Who acts as...
20:45Oh, Daniel Radcliffe?
20:46Different character.
20:47Oh, it's a different character.
20:49Oh, gosh.
20:50I don't even watch Harry Potter.
20:51I'm sitting on my...
20:53Chair?
20:54Seat?
20:55Ass.
20:56Not the top,
20:57but the...
20:58Bottom.
20:59Steve-O Longbottom.
21:00Yeah!
21:01Number six.
21:02I'm American
21:03and I love to fly
21:04jet planes
21:05in the army.
21:06Tom Cruise?
21:07Yeah!
21:08Wait.
21:09Tom Cruise
21:10and Top Gun?
21:11Correct.
21:12Can we have
21:13number ten, please?
21:14That's hard.
21:15Yeah.
21:16Apparel Paris Hilton?
21:17Yes!
21:18Number nine.
21:20Argh!
21:21Many millions
21:22of years ago.
21:23Yes,
21:24this is good.
21:25You're a dinosaur?
21:26No.
21:27No.
21:28You're a dinosaur?
21:29Yep.
21:30Are you a species
21:31of dinosaur?
21:32Yes.
21:33Or is this a reptile?
21:34Correct.
21:35Yes, yes, that's right.
21:36One minute left.
21:37I've only told them
21:38to blow the bloody doors off.
21:39Five seconds.
21:40Oh,
21:41Sons of a Tangerine.
21:42Oh,
21:43oh,
21:44Bruce,
21:45what have you done?
21:46Three,
21:47two,
21:48chop.
21:55Oh, Tom.
21:56Tom,
21:57you had to just chuck
21:58another box on there
21:59at the end, didn't you?
22:00I know.
22:01We did.
22:02I don't know if you noticed
22:03in our tarts,
22:04whenever I would get
22:05someone,
22:06it would be like
22:07Michael Caine
22:08or someone easy
22:09and Torfinger was getting
22:10like the knife
22:11from Psycho
22:12and Ernest Rubin.
22:13Once again,
22:14Team Torfinger's
22:15doing all the hard work.
22:16Yeah.
22:17Yeah,
22:18but did you like
22:19Torfinger's strategy
22:20which was
22:21if Tom couldn't guess it,
22:22he'd just continue
22:23doing the same thing.
22:24Yeah.
22:25It worked.
22:27How tall their tower was?
22:2878 centimetres.
22:29Not bad.
22:30Hard to beat.
22:31That's pathetic.
22:33Alright,
22:34stop everything.
22:35Let's do your best impression
22:36of a good consumer
22:37and watch these ads.
22:38We'll see you
22:39straight after the break.
22:52Nau mai,
22:53hoki mai.
22:54Welcome back to Tastmaster.
22:55Who have we got next,
22:56It's time to see
22:57the acting skills
22:58of a drama school graduate
22:59and the building skills
23:00of a Ben Hurley.
23:02It's Hayley and Ben.
23:057, 24 or 50?
23:067, let's go 7.
23:077.
23:09Okay.
23:14Psycho,
23:15knife,
23:16Alfred Hitchcock.
23:17What is the thing
23:18that's in my hand?
23:19It's a knife
23:20from Psycho.
23:21The knife from Psycho?
23:22Was it?
23:23Oh right,
23:24so it's not just people.
23:25Okay.
23:28Merry Christmas.
23:30Oh,
23:31Ebenezer Scrooge.
23:32You're the ghost
23:33of Christmas past.
23:34Not the past.
23:35You're a ghost
23:36of Christmas future.
23:41Oh,
23:42hello everybody.
23:43Queen Elizabeth II.
23:44Or?
23:45Queen Elizabeth I.
23:48We are brothers
23:49and we learned
23:50to fly the first.
23:52Oh,
23:53the Wright brothers.
23:54Yes.
23:56I'm good at history.
23:57Why is everybody
23:58taking so long?
24:00Please.
24:01Don't take my,
24:02don't make me choose.
24:04Meryl Streep.
24:06I'm an American actress.
24:07You are,
24:08um,
24:09you're in
24:10Jerry Maguire?
24:11Yes.
24:12I play a British
24:13journalist.
24:14I got big
24:15and then I get skinny.
24:16You're Bridget Jones
24:17and you're in the one
24:18about the Civil War
24:19and what is your name?
24:20I look like I've
24:21sucked on a lemon.
24:22Yeah,
24:23give me a name.
24:24Renee Zellweger.
24:26Oh man,
24:27come on,
24:28come on.
24:29Okay,
24:30pick a number.
24:31Come on,
24:32come on.
24:33No,
24:34no,
24:35no,
24:36bottom one,
24:37bottom one.
24:38This wind's not allowed?
24:39The bottom one.
24:40Wind is not allowed.
24:41Okay,
24:42okay.
24:43What is happening?
24:44Right,
24:45what's the deal
24:46with like crazy people
24:47these days?
24:48Aisha Carlson.
24:49Yes.
24:50Look at how
24:51the eagle flies.
24:53Dame Julie Andrews.
24:54Real famous
24:55little chocolate button.
24:56You're a green M&M.
24:57I'm going to write
24:58a play
24:59thou doth not know.
25:00William Shakespeare.
25:01Oh well,
25:02one for the money.
25:03Elvis Presley.
25:04Here you go.
25:0520 seconds.
25:06Yes.
25:07Yes,
25:08yes,
25:09yes,
25:10yes.
25:11You're so good.
25:12You're so good.
25:13That was really good.
25:14You're so good.
25:17Such
25:18positive
25:19affirmation
25:20in your team.
25:21It's not often
25:22but that drama
25:23degree really
25:24came in handy.
25:25That is
25:26$38,000
25:27before your
25:28very eyes
25:29Jeremy.
25:30Congratulations
25:31on knowing
25:32the Wright Brothers
25:33name.
25:34I mean,
25:35that was good.
25:36Orville and Wilbur.
25:37Wilbur.
25:38Yeah.
25:39That was good.
25:40But you could
25:41tell I was
25:42doing Orville.
25:43Yeah,
25:44totally.
25:45The performance
25:46gave Orville.
25:47I was like,
25:48I know Wilbur,
25:49my Wilbur sits
25:50more back here
25:51How high
25:52was Hayley
25:53and Ben's
25:54tower?
25:55The height to beat
25:56was 78 centimetres.
25:58Theirs was
25:59287 centimetres.
26:05So in terms of
26:06scoring,
26:07five points
26:08presumably for the
26:09team of two.
26:10How many for
26:11the team of three?
26:12Oh,
26:13that's a good
26:14question.
26:15Tom,
26:16Abby and
26:17Tofinga should
26:18get two.
26:19Two points.
26:20To the other one.
26:21Oh,
26:22was that not clear?
26:23I've opted back in.
26:24Yeah,
26:25back in.
26:26Right,
26:27time for another
26:28task.
26:29Paul,
26:30what have you got
26:31in store for us?
26:32Get your
26:33backpacks off
26:34and get your
26:35books out.
26:36School is
26:37in session.
26:42Hello,
26:43Ben.
26:44Hi,
26:45Paul.
26:46Hello,
26:47Paul.
26:48Hello,
26:49Hi, Paul.
26:51My favourite.
26:52What's your favourite?
26:53Apples.
26:54Apple.
26:56Are you saying
26:57hey Paul or apple?
26:58It's hey Paul
26:59or apple.
27:00Oh,
27:01okay.
27:02Apple.
27:03Hello.
27:05Alright,
27:06what are we in for now?
27:08Teach Paul
27:09a lesson.
27:10Best
27:11lesson wins.
27:12You have
27:1330 minutes.
27:14Your time
27:15starts
27:16as always
27:17now.
27:19Hmm.
27:24Seems pretty simple,
27:25teach Paul
27:26a lesson.
27:27We all know
27:28Paul doesn't really know
27:29that much so
27:30it's
27:31not hard surely.
27:32Okay,
27:33for first period
27:34we've got
27:35Mr Hurley
27:36and Mr Sainsbury.
27:40What if I taught you
27:41every New Zealand
27:42Prime Minister
27:43since 1935
27:44in order?
27:45That would be
27:46pretty good.
27:47What ones
27:48Good.
27:49Obviously.
27:50Obviously.
27:51I'm wondering if I can do
27:52the scattergun effect
27:53if I try and teach you
27:54many lessons.
27:55Like quantity
27:56over quality.
27:57Yeah.
27:58Because I'm a cool teacher
27:59I'm going to sit
28:00in my chair
28:01like this.
28:02Very cool.
28:03First up
28:04we've got biology.
28:05Did you know
28:06that seagulls
28:07to every
28:088 male chicks
28:09that are hatched
28:1010 female chicks
28:11are hatched
28:12and 14%
28:13of seagulls
28:14are exclusively
28:15lesbian.
28:16Did you know that?
28:17The first Labour
28:18Prime Minister
28:19Peter Fraser
28:20now he was
28:21our wartime
28:22Prime Minister
28:23and we had
28:24Mike Moore.
28:25Do you like
28:26using a megaphone
28:27or do you like
28:28using a Mike Moore?
28:32When it is the verb
28:33you stress
28:34the second
28:35syllable
28:36when it is the noun
28:37you stress the first
28:38syllable.
28:39He's an object
28:40but I object.
28:41We had
28:42Chippy Hippy
28:43that's what I'm
28:44going to call him
28:45because I think
28:46that's the end of the lesson.
28:47So when I'm handing
28:48you a gift
28:49it is a
28:50present.
28:51No.
28:52It's a
28:53present.
28:54Sorry I thought
28:55you were presenting
28:56me with a gift.
28:57You get it
28:58there's English.
28:59There's probably
29:00not a great mnemonic
29:01here is there?
29:02Mary Poppins
29:03said
29:048 children
29:05without the cape
29:06jumping
29:07never works.
29:08Would also maybe
29:09help if you came up
29:10with a story
29:11that sort of
29:12involved their names.
29:13I mean
29:14that's how
29:15the story of
29:16New Zealand history.
29:17Oh okay.
29:18They were like
29:19Christ has risen again
29:20and Thomas was like
29:21I don't believe
29:22that
29:23and then from
29:24then on
29:25he was known as
29:26Thomas the Doubter.
29:27Oh wow.
29:28I know.
29:29OK that's your
29:30religious instruction
29:31what else am I missing?
29:32Mary
29:33Mary
29:34Poppins
29:35said
29:368 children
29:37spelled with a K
29:38jumping
29:39never
29:40works.
29:41History.
29:42OK.
29:43Do you know
29:45Anne
29:46Close
29:47Anna
29:48Wasn't close
29:49Oh
29:50Begins with N
29:51Mary
29:52Mary
29:53Do you know what
29:54the least common name
29:55was in the 1950s?
29:56Adolf
29:59We still don't
30:00meet many Adolfs.
30:01No.
30:02Jumping
30:03Jacks
30:04Hate
30:05Jumping
30:06Bill English
30:07Jacinda Ardern
30:08Chris Hipkins
30:09Chris Luxon
30:12Well done.
30:15Some important lessons
30:16learnt there.
30:17So Ben
30:18taught you
30:19the New Zealand
30:20Prime Ministers
30:21from
30:22the second
30:23world war
30:24Correct
30:25Can you list
30:26them in order
30:27now?
30:28Hey
30:29the task
30:30is not
30:31teach
30:32Paul a
30:33lesson
30:34and have
30:35him
30:36retain
30:37it
30:38for three
30:39months
30:40That's true
30:41Tom
30:42Yes
30:43You were
30:44I did everything
30:45Something else
30:46about seagulls
30:47is that they
30:48lived to
30:49I'm feeling
30:50like I'm
30:51more and more
30:52Abbey Howells
30:53at every moment
30:54They lived
30:55like
30:56there was
30:57a species
30:58of seagulls
30:59that lived
31:00to 45
31:01so you
31:02might be
31:03walking around
31:04with a seagull
31:05that's like
31:06going
31:07get out
31:08of my
31:09way
31:10and it's
31:1145 years
31:12old
31:13Maybe one day
31:14you'll be
31:15crucified
31:16Jeremy
31:18One can only
31:19hope
31:20Abbey
31:21Save us
31:22from our sins
31:23Exactly
31:24That's enough
31:25learning for now
31:26It's time to
31:27soften your
31:28brain with
31:29the soothing
31:30power of
31:31unskippable
31:32ads
31:33We'll see
31:34you after
31:35that
31:43Welcome back to Taskmaster
31:44The five comedians
31:45are trying to win
31:46a haunted puppet
31:47from Abbey
31:48that will
31:49definitely
31:50kill them
31:51in their sleep
31:52Where were
31:53we Paul?
31:54Our five
31:55contestants were
31:56attempting to
31:57teach me a
31:58lesson
31:59So far
32:00Ben has taught
32:01me every
32:02New Zealand
32:03Prime Minister
32:04since World War
32:05II
32:06and Tom
32:07Sainsbury
32:08has taught
32:09me
32:10which
32:11seagulls
32:12Can I have
32:13a bite?
32:14You can have
32:15several
32:16Ok
32:17I'm going to
32:18teach you a
32:19small
32:20marching routine
32:21which you
32:22will then
32:23perform
32:24I'm actually
32:25allergic to
32:26apples
32:27Um
32:28How allergic?
32:29I'll be fine
32:30I've got a
32:31bit of an
32:32itchy throat
32:33I'll teach
32:34you to
32:35make a
32:36cup of
32:37tea
32:38Not really
32:39We'll go
32:40to the
32:41Ok
32:42I have allergies
32:43too
32:44What are you allergic
32:45to?
32:46I'm allergic
32:47to your
32:48bullshit
32:49Now that
32:50we've got
32:51water in
32:52here what
32:53do you do?
32:54Turn it
32:55on
32:56Yeah
32:57that's
32:58the one
32:59Now while
33:00we're waiting
33:01for the
33:02hot water
33:03what we
33:04usually do
33:05is we
33:06learn a
33:07dance or
33:08song
33:09Ok
33:11Yeah but
33:12you have to
33:13move your hips
33:14as well
33:15Stand and
33:16down
33:17No don't
33:18do the head
33:19I'm looking
33:20at your feet
33:21My head
33:22just naturally
33:23wants to go
33:24down
33:25It just
33:26feels more
33:27respectful
33:28To whom?
33:29Who are you
33:30bowing to?
33:31The troops
33:32Just pour it
33:33into a cup
33:34about
33:35three quarters
33:36That's
33:37your cup
33:38of tea
33:39That's
33:40Stand and
33:41up
33:42Stand and
33:43down
33:44Head up
33:45Attention
33:46Stand and
33:47up
33:48Stand and
33:49down
33:50Quick
33:51March
33:52And
33:53One
33:54Two
33:55Three
33:56Four
33:57In
33:58And
33:59One
34:00Two
34:01Three
34:02Four
34:03In
34:04Left
34:05March
34:06And
34:07One
34:08Two
34:09Down
34:12I think
34:13that's a really
34:14good start
34:15Jig-a-middle-chee
34:16Jig-a-middle-chee
34:17A-ki-ki-po-po-ki-ki-po-po
34:18A-rum-pa-pa-chee
34:19A-rum-pa-pa-chee
34:20A-ki-ki-po-po-ki-ki-po-po
34:21Si-mi-si-mi-se
34:22A-si-mi-si-mi-se
34:23A-willy-willy-mitty
34:24A-willy-willy-mitty
34:25Viva
34:26Viva
34:27Hey
34:28Suana pop
34:29banana
34:30Suana pop
34:31banana
34:32Suana
34:33Suana
34:34Banana
34:35Suana
34:36Suana
34:37Suana
34:38If you want it
34:39Throw it outside
34:40If you want it
34:41Throw it outside
34:42Throw it outside
34:43Throw it outside
34:44Chee-hoo
34:45Yee-hoo
34:46Eeya
34:47Applause
34:48My man
34:49Applause
34:50Applause
34:51Applause
34:52Applause
34:53Matt
34:54Mmm
34:55As Toffinger's surrogate
34:56Yes
34:57Tonight
34:58We're very happy with that
34:59Laughter
35:00How much of Toffinger's dance was culturally appropriate there
35:03with your knowledge of Samoan dance
35:05120%
35:06Wow
35:07The kiki poppa kiki poppa
35:09You got that down didn't you
35:10Yeah
35:11How are you
35:12Have you retained the dance
35:13I think if he led me
35:14I might be able to
35:15Go on Matt
35:16Are you able to fulfil that role
35:17Laughter
35:19Suana pop banana
35:20I remember that bit
35:21It was the kiki poppa kiki poppa
35:23I don't think that's quite right
35:24It was definitely
35:25If you don't want it
35:26Throw it outside
35:27That's right
35:28Yeah yeah
35:29Which is a good lesson for anyone
35:30Laughter
35:31True
35:32Hayley
35:33Were you impressed
35:34Paul's dancing was quite good
35:35Where did you learn
35:37Sorry
35:38Dancing Jeremy
35:39Laughter
35:40Marching is a sport
35:42It's sort of like dressage for people
35:45Laughter
35:46It's sort of this
35:47When did you do marching
35:49Still
35:50You march now
35:51Yeah
35:52Do you
35:53I've marched since I was like 8 years old
35:54And I'm 34
35:55Why
35:56Laughter
35:57It's a good question
35:58How many people are you rustling up for your marching
36:00Is it just you or
36:01No no it's a team
36:02There's a team
36:03How many
36:04In a technical block there's 10
36:05Impressive
36:06And you can get 10 people together to do that
36:07We'll get hundreds
36:08Laughter
36:09Okay Paul
36:10I'm ready for another lesson
36:11Who have we got next
36:12Last but academically not least
36:14It's Dr Howells
36:16Music
36:17Laughter
36:18Music
36:19Music
36:20Music
36:21Music
36:22Music
36:23Music
36:24Stop right there
36:25Music
36:26Music
36:27Before you pass
36:28Music
36:29Music
36:30You must answer my question 3
36:31Music
36:32Okay
36:33Is your name Paul
36:34Music
36:35Yes
36:36Do you like to party
36:39Yeah
36:40Do you think I'm beautiful
36:43Music
36:44Music
36:45Music
36:46Music
36:47Music
36:48Music
36:49Yes
36:50Oh
36:51Music
36:52Music
36:53Music
36:54Music
36:55Thank you Paul
36:56You have freed me
36:57Because you can see that I was beautiful on the inside
37:00Laughter
37:01And um
37:02That's what matters
37:03Laughter
37:04Okay
37:05Telling the truth
37:06Serves a lot of good doesn't it
37:07I will say like
37:08When you had the mask on
37:09I felt like I was lying when I said yes
37:11Laughter
37:12Yeah I kind of hope that you would say
37:14But the magic still worked anyway
37:16Okay
37:17Yeah
37:18And it's important
37:20To be kind and respectful
37:22Okay
37:23Because you don't know what people are going through
37:25Laughter
37:26Thank you for saving me
37:27No worries
37:28Laughter
37:29Applause
37:30Applause
37:31Applause
37:32Applause
37:33Applause
37:34Applause
37:35Applause
37:36Applause
37:37Okay Abby
37:38So just quickly clarify the lesson
37:40That you were teaching Paul there
37:42It was through not lying
37:44That he found my hair
37:46In a beauty
37:47But he did
37:48But he found
37:49He did lie
37:50He did lie
37:51I did lie
37:52Laughter
37:53That mask was
37:54It was
37:55I'd say objectively ugly
37:56Laughter
37:58I think probably the lesson he learned
38:00Was kindness always pays off
38:02I think I did learn that
38:04If you're going to hurt someone's feelings
38:06Lie
38:07And why are we vilifying the ugly version of Abby
38:10Like why is she bad
38:11Well that's another lesson
38:13Hey this is the thing
38:15The actual thing that we watched
38:17There was no lesson
38:18No
38:19Alright let's just be clear about that
38:20I'm hearing nothing but lessons
38:22There was no lesson
38:23I will say I did learn the lesson
38:25That ugly people are
38:27Gross
38:28Yes
38:29Laughter
38:30And should be avoided
38:31Yes
38:32Okay I have to score this
38:34Laughter
38:36One point for Abby
38:37Because there was no lesson
38:39Okay
38:40It was teach Paul a lesson
38:42And there was no lesson
38:43I enjoyed it
38:44But there was no lesson
38:45I don't think you did
38:46You're fired up mate
38:47I love it
38:48Laughter
38:49It's true
38:51This is literally the shittiest way
38:53Of seeing him all season
38:55Laughter
38:56Three points for Hayley
38:57Because there was one lesson that was taught
38:59And it was the marching
39:00Tofinga
39:01Ended up teaching Paul
39:03Two lessons
39:04Well one and a half really
39:05So I'll give him three points
39:07Tom
39:08Taught Paul some lessons
39:10But
39:11He didn't testimony
39:13Any of the lessons
39:14So none of it went in
39:15Whereas I thought
39:17Ben actually you should get five points
39:19Because you taught Paul a lesson
39:21And he remembered it at the time
39:22Even though now he doesn't
39:23Total talk
39:24Yes
39:25Thanks Gary
39:26So that does it for part four
39:27It's time for you to watch some videos
39:29That all have the same important lesson
39:31It's good to buy stuff
39:33We'll see you after the break
39:35Applause
39:37Music
39:39Applause
39:41Music
39:43Applause
39:45Applause
39:47Welcome back to Taskmaster
39:48You cheapy rascals
39:49Now if you're just joining us
39:51You have really screwed up your timing
39:53We're nearly at the end of the episode
39:55We have just got the live task to go
39:57But
39:58Before we get to that
39:59Can I have a score update please Paul
40:01It's extremely tight
40:02But out in front on 13
40:03It's Ben Hurley
40:04Oh wow
40:05Okay
40:06I've never been out in front
40:07It's anyone's episode
40:09Alright you guys please
40:11Head up to the stage
40:12For the final task of the show
40:14Applause
40:16Music
40:18Okay Paul
40:19Who's reading out the task tonight
40:21Ben Hurley
40:23Here's the task
40:24Sure
40:26Write down the name of an animal
40:28Vegetable
40:29Or vehicle
40:30And hand it to Paul
40:35Thank you Tom
40:36Thank you Matt
40:37Thank you Hayley
40:38You're welcome
40:39Thank you Ben
40:40Thank you Abby
40:41Thank you
40:42There's a second task
40:43Yeah
40:44Using the canvas behind you
40:46Communicate to the Taskmaster
40:48What your animal, vegetable or vehicle is
40:50You may now turn around
40:52While working on your canvas
40:53You must not tamper with your backpack
40:55When you are ready for the Taskmaster
40:57To guess
40:58Stand next to your canvas
40:59If he guesses wrong
41:00You may alter your canvas
41:02And try again
41:03Fastest correctly guessed
41:05Animal, vegetable or vehicle
41:07Wins
41:08Oh dear
41:11You each have a mirror
41:12Are you ready
41:13Yeah
41:14Yeah man
41:15Yes
41:25A carrot
41:26Yes
41:27Correct
41:37Jeremy
41:38A pig
41:39And Matt
41:42A turnip
41:43Incorrect
41:44Jeremy
41:45A diplodocus
41:46That is not correct
41:48Beans a turtle
41:50Correct
41:53Koala
41:54Correct
42:00Just
42:01A chicken
42:02That is incorrect
42:05Matt's done a Jackson Pollock
42:08It's a cat
42:09Incorrect
42:10Don't give up Abby
42:11Oh
42:13An aeroplane
42:15Matt is that
42:16Do you want to guess
42:17I'm just trying to actually ascertain
42:19The best way forward here
42:20Okay
42:21Maybe if they each tell me
42:23Either it's an animal
42:25Or a vegetable
42:26Or a vehicle
42:27Abby
42:28It's an animal
42:30Okay that's not helping
42:32Matt
42:33It's a vegetable
42:36What
42:37Abby is yours an albatross
42:39No
42:41No
42:42Matt is yours a cauliflower
42:43No
42:44Okay
42:45They can do one
42:46Pose
42:52Okay
42:53You must be a radish
42:54Incorrect
42:55And Abby's
42:56Horse
42:57Okay
42:59Pony
43:00Matt
43:01A carrot
43:02Yes
43:03Correct
43:04What the hell is this
43:05You should have just pointed at that
43:07So the artworks
43:08Carrot
43:09Carrot
43:10Koala
43:11Turtle
43:12Shetland pony
43:14Oh
43:15No
43:16Okay
43:17Come on down
43:18And we'll judge it
43:27Jesus
43:29Welcome on
43:30So
43:31Based on the order
43:32That Jeremy guessed
43:33The pictures
43:34We get one point for Abby
43:35Two points for Tolfinga
43:36Three points for Hayley
43:37Four points for Ben
43:38And five points
43:39For the King of Carrots
43:40Tom Sainsbury
43:43Right
43:44So what does that mean
43:45For our episode
43:46It means
43:47That the winner
43:48Of episode four
43:49With seventeen points
43:50Is Ben Hurley
43:51Here we go
43:53Ben
43:54Congratulations
43:55On winning
43:56Five things
43:57That make you go
43:58Hmm
43:59I don't know about that
44:00Arguably one of the
44:01Worst selection of prizes
44:02We've ever had
44:03On this show
44:04Please go
44:05And collect them
44:06On stage
44:09That's the end
44:10Of episode four
44:11And what
44:12Have we learnt
44:13We've learnt
44:14That if you meet
44:15A man
44:16With a creepy
44:17Folder
44:18Full of pictures
44:19Of women
44:20It's most likely
44:21To do with the
44:22Solar system
44:23We've learnt
44:24That if you meet
44:25An old witch
44:26In the forest
44:27Either tell her
44:28She's ugly
44:29Or don't
44:30It will work out
44:31Fine either way
44:32But most importantly
44:33We've learnt
44:34That the winner
44:35Of this episode
44:36Is Ben Hurley
44:37We can't wait
44:38We'll see you back here
44:39Next week
44:40Ka kite anō
44:41Goodnight
44:59It's time to party hard
45:02Hello
45:03I don't like organised fun
45:04What do you call this?
45:05My job
45:06I'm gonna roll a doggo
45:08Cool
45:09You look
45:10Psychotic
45:11It's a little bit of six
45:12In the old dog
45:13Yeah