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ozmartian
  • 9/3/2024

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Transcript
00:00Hello.
00:01That's for the haters.
00:02Come here.
00:03Come here.
00:04Jiggle a little.
00:05See ya.
00:07Oh.
00:08Yeah.
00:09He he he.
00:10Nau mai, haere mai and welcome to Taskmaster.
00:39My name's Jeremy Wells and I was installed in this job after the previous democratically
00:44elected host was overthrown in a bloody coup, masterminded by the CIA.
00:50It's unfortunate things got to that point but I think we can all agree it was for the
00:54best because now I am the Taskmaster.
00:58We are gathered here tonight to see five as yet uncancelled New Zealand comedians battle
01:08it out to win this, the Taskmaster Trophy.
01:13The five comedians jostling for the win tonight are Abbie Howells, Ben Hurley, Haley Sproul
01:24and Tom Sainsbury.
01:28Our fifth contestant, Tofinga Fipulia'i, as you may know, is unable to join us in the
01:33studio this season but we have been keeping his seat warm with the bottoms of beloved
01:38Taskmaster alumni and joining us for Eps 9 and 10, the one and only Chris Parker.
01:51And as always, here to do all the dirty work so I can keep my hands clean like a deadpan
01:57dog poo bag, it's Paul Williams.
02:04Tell us about the prize task would you Paul?
02:07Today we've asked our contestants to bring in the thing that reminds them of themselves.
02:12Okay Chris, let's start with you.
02:14What did you bring in that reminds you of yourself?
02:16Well I'm not here as myself Jeremy, I'm actually here on behalf of Tofinga and so the best
02:22thing that reminded me of Tofinga is his entire line of merchandise.
02:26Oh wow.
02:27And I've just done him a sort of easy buy style catalogue photo shoot there.
02:34So the tote bag, the t-shirt, the hat and there's a hoodie as well, there we go.
02:39Your head looks a bit like an eel when it comes out of a cave.
02:46I know what you mean, honestly I didn't think a hoodie could be unflattering but somehow
02:50it is.
02:52Tom, what did you bring in that reminds you of you?
02:55Well let's just look at it.
03:01You know, I think I'm just good at a party.
03:05I tend to go red.
03:07Aren't you vegan?
03:10Yeah I am.
03:12Okay, Abby, what did you bring in that reminds you of you?
03:16I brought in a haunted doll.
03:19Yep.
03:20Her name is Daphne and the thing about Daphne is she is haunted.
03:26I went over Daphne with my beloved Hector Ray and she is full of spirit.
03:33And that thing is 100% accurate all the time.
03:37So I think at the worst Daphne is a bit disconcerting but at the best she could be a wonderful companion.
03:47No further questions Your Honour.
03:49I'm shocked her name is Daphne because I like your outfit and it reminds me of Daphne from Scooby-Doo.
03:55Thank you so much.
03:56Yes, that was absolutely on purpose.
03:59It's like watching pre-schoolers talk at the sandpit though, so.
04:05Ben.
04:06Well I thought I might go a little bit more wholesome because when I think of the thing
04:10that reminds me most of me, it's my children.
04:13Aww.
04:14Yeah, but I can't give away my children.
04:17Well you can, it's just a long legal process.
04:21Yeah, okay, let's do that.
04:24I've got two beautiful daughters.
04:26A lot of people say they look like me but I don't really see the resemblance.
04:34So you said obviously you couldn't give your kids away.
04:38You do realise how the show works?
04:40Yeah, yeah, Hayley convinced me we're going to do it.
04:43Okay.
04:44Oh, I don't want them.
04:45Better throw the **** up then.
04:49I will raise your children, Ben.
04:50Oh God.
04:54Hayley, what did you bring in?
04:55Hello Jeremy.
04:56So there's a very popular board game and on the front of the original box, I'm pretty
05:03sure it's me.
05:06So if we, this is Settlers of Caton and if you look up close, that's me.
05:13Wow.
05:14Also, Hayley, a lot of nerds watch this show, it's Settlers of Catan.
05:20Catan?
05:21Catan, yeah.
05:22Catan.
05:23C-A-T-A-N, it's Catan.
05:24No, Catan.
05:25I just love the smirk.
05:26Why's she smirking so?
05:27Because she's like, look over there.
05:28Is the other Settler of Catan checking out your breasts or am I imagining it?
05:31It would have two Ts if it was Catan.
05:32It's Catan, don't be silly.
05:33I do think that, yeah, the little friend is having a geeze at my rack and good for him,
05:34you know?
05:35Okay.
05:36Tom, I'm going to give you one point because I see what you mean with the cheerio but to
05:37me you're more like an old and grumpy old man.
05:38I'm not.
05:39I'm not.
05:40I'm not.
05:41I'm not.
05:42I'm not.
05:43I'm not.
05:44I'm not.
05:45I'm not.
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05:47I'm not.
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05:59I'm not.
06:00I'm not.
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07:00I'm not.
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07:48I'm not.
07:49I'm not.
07:50I'm not.
07:51I'm not.
07:52I'm not.
07:53I'm not.
07:54We've got a whole bunch of balls here.
07:58I'm going to make a hole using this tent.
08:00So what I'm thinking is that I will tape one of these
08:05onto the frisbee.
08:06There we go, there's the ball.
08:08That's good.
08:08You stand there.
08:09You'll move if it's going to hit you in the face.
08:11OK.
08:12Ready, Paul?
08:13Yeah.
08:17Yes!
08:20Oh, Paul, sorry.
08:21OK, wait, wait, wait, wait.
08:23I'm not very athletic, so excuse me, New Zealand.
08:29I think the ball might be causing wind lag.
08:31I'll just see if I can just do this without.
08:34Oh, my god, I'm giving up!
08:40I was hoping it would bounce off you and, oh.
08:42We're going to use the clubs.
08:43Hopefully my dad's not watching.
08:44He will be.
08:45He loves this show.
08:51Good catch.
08:52Crouch down and put it on the ground.
08:54Like, I could bowl it.
09:02Damn it, that was so close.
09:04That was good.
09:05That's the technique.
09:10Yes!
09:13Oh, behind.
09:19Stay where you are.
09:20Stay where you are.
09:23Isa!
09:31Stay where you are.
09:3217 meters, 92.
09:3570.
09:3617.
09:38Teen.
09:39Yep, 17.
09:3917 meters, 92.
09:4292.
09:47Tom, I have never heard that phrase any holes ago.
09:51What does that mean?
09:52What does that mean?
09:54I just think when you play a lot of sport like I do,
09:56you're like, you know, there's two goals in the end,
09:58you know, if you get it in, it's a success.
10:01I believe, I don't know.
10:02Doesn't matter what team you're playing for.
10:04Yeah.
10:06Yeah, and sometimes you have to get an own goal.
10:10And sometimes you've never played sport before.
10:14I mean, I thought it was quite interesting
10:16that you had to tell Paul
10:17that if the ball was going to hit him in the face,
10:19that he was going to have to move.
10:21He's a simple man, you know what I mean?
10:23And we're far along enough now that we know that with Paul.
10:26Meanwhile, Chris, I see Tuffinger just laughed
10:29when he hit Paul with the ball.
10:31Yeah, he's got to teach him a lesson
10:32and get his face out of that damn iPad.
10:35Lock up, you know?
10:37You've had enough screen time.
10:38Exactly.
10:39We've heard the word isa a lot, actually, in this series.
10:43Isa.
10:44And this was interesting,
10:45because there was isa when the ball just missed, Chris,
10:48and then there was an isa when the ball went in.
10:51Is anyone aware, we know what isa means?
10:53Anyone?
10:54I mean, you know, have a look at the panel.
10:55Probably not.
10:58It's going to play out either way,
10:59but the worst version is we guess.
11:04So Hayley, 12 metres 67.
11:08Tuffinger, 17 metres 92.
11:11Tom, 25 metres 74.
11:14That's good.
11:14Ooh, okay.
11:16Coming up after the break,
11:17we'll have two more of the least impressive holes
11:20in one you'll ever see in your life.
11:23We'll see you then.
11:38Welcome back to Taskmaster.
11:39Where are we, Paul?
11:40Our contestants were tasked with getting a hole in one
11:43with whatever ball and whatever hole they chose.
11:46Furthest hole in one wins.
11:48Up next, it's Abbey Holes and Ben Holey.
11:53Okay, any hole.
11:55Can I dig a hole?
11:56Any hole.
11:56Any hole.
11:57All right, Paul, do you want to play a little game?
11:59Come with me.
12:00You ready?
12:01Yeah.
12:06How impressive.
12:08Do you like this little manoeuvre I'm doing?
12:09With the shovel?
12:10Is that saving you energy?
12:12No, it just sort of suggests that I'm in charge.
12:17I hope you get your bond back on this Airbnb you've got here.
12:23Bam.
12:24No, oh shoot.
12:25Stop the clock.
12:26Oh no, that was just a practice.
12:2973 centimetres.
12:32Or do we count this as a hole?
12:34You could struggle to argue that it's not a hole.
12:37I'll use the power of my brain.
12:39That was just a test, that was just a test.
12:41Okay, I'm back, I've got a second chance.
12:43I'm getting quite big with this hole.
12:45It looks like you're getting a nice clean thing
12:47that I can just put back in there.
12:49Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do.
12:50Is this allowed?
12:51Yeah.
12:52Good, dang it.
13:00Come to Hurley.
13:01Oh, it's a hole, it's a hole.
13:02What do you reckon, Paul?
13:03That's a hole.
13:05Okay, there's a small patch of grass missing.
13:08Just going to bask in real manual labour for a second.
13:13Four.
13:14Did you say four before you hit it?
13:15Yeah, to let everyone know
13:17that a pretty dangerous ball might be coming.
13:21Okay, you ready, Paul?
13:22I'm ready.
13:23For a temp tahi.
13:27It needs to be stronger.
13:28Four.
13:31Four.
13:35We lost it.
13:36Oh Lord.
13:37Oh no, there it is.
13:38Is that a fetching duck?
13:39I feel like it was going for the ball.
13:41Yeah, it's not a pond.
13:43It's just a hole.
13:44Oh my God, it's a hole.
13:46It's a ring of a hole.
13:47Go away, go away.
13:50Bowling ball?
13:50Yeah.
13:51Four.
13:54I went over it.
13:57Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
13:59Oh no.
14:02Okay, the thing about the hole is that it's...
14:05Very small and almost impossible to even see.
14:08Oh.
14:12Yep, yep, that's in, that's in, that's in, that's in.
14:15Stay where you are.
14:16Okay.
14:20Paul, would you think I was crazy
14:21if you said, could we go for a temp one?
14:23So now you're going to argue that that is a hole?
14:26I was wrong to say that it wasn't.
14:32Wait, there was a camera in there, I think.
14:39The hole was so small that the editors
14:42had to put a circle around it
14:43so you could see it on the footage.
14:45No, I was sort of hoping you wouldn't show that one,
14:48to be honest.
14:50How far was Abbey's hole in one?
14:52So the current leader was Tom with 25 metres 74.
14:56Yeah.
14:57Abbey, 73 centimetres.
15:01That's the first manual labour
15:02that I've seen on Taskmaster in five seasons.
15:04This was the first time I've seen
15:06on Taskmaster in five seasons.
15:08This was the first task I did.
15:10And I thought, is this what the show is?
15:11Just digging and chucking balls.
15:13I was like, I am in my element.
15:16How far was Ben's hole in one?
15:1929.3 metres.
15:22Yes.
15:22Okay, so how are we going to score that?
15:24That means one point for Abbey, two points for Hayley,
15:28three points for Taufinga, four points for Tom,
15:31and five points for Ben Hurley.
15:34Very good from Tom.
15:36All right, what's happening on the scoreboard then, Paul?
15:39It's a two-way tie, both on seven points.
15:41It's Ben and Taufinga.
15:46All right, Paul, can you hit me with another task, please?
15:48Sure thing, Jeremy.
15:49It's time for another team task,
15:51and this one is a task masterpiece.
16:00Here we come.
16:01Here comes the dream team.
16:03Hey, Paul, is it left, is it opposite, do you think?
16:06Do you think it's this?
16:07No, Drew.
16:12Let's see what we've got.
16:14Bring a classic artwork to life.
16:18Best living artwork wins.
16:19You have 30 minutes to prepare your artwork.
16:21It must be alive for at least 30 seconds.
16:24Your time starts now.
16:26We don't want to do, um...
16:28Oh, God.
16:29Unless you wanted to take your clothes off.
16:30You should do that one.
16:32All right, Paul.
16:32You can say that too quickly and too enthusiastically.
16:35OK, sweet. We'll be back. We'll be back.
16:37Shoo, shoo.
16:38Ah!
16:39Ah!
16:40Pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft.
16:42Could have the young ones running around for you.
16:44Yeah.
16:45APPLAUSE
16:48I'm starting to get a bit worried about you
16:50getting a little bit confident this season,
16:51telling our comedians to get naked.
16:54Just thinking about ratings.
16:57I'm ready to see some beautiful works of art come to life.
17:01Who's first, Paul?
17:02Taking on Da Vinci, it's Da Team of Three.
17:05LAUGHTER
17:06Hello, Toffinger. We're back.
17:08Very clever.
17:10OK, so if you hold those in your thumb there.
17:14OK.
17:14OK, start counting.
17:16OK.
17:17Two, one...
17:19LAUGHTER
17:22APPLAUSE
17:24Is this the painting alive?
17:26Yeah, this is the painting alive.
17:28It's quite similar to it.
17:30It's quite similar to it, just still.
17:33Hi.
17:34She's breathing.
17:36She's breathing.
17:37Yeah.
17:38I'm breathing, Paul.
17:40Look how beautiful I am, Paul.
17:44Extremely beautiful, Mona.
17:46I love you, Paul.
17:48Thank you, Mona.
17:50You can call me Lisa.
17:51She doesn't let a lot of people do that.
17:53Yeah, that's actually quite a big privilege, Paul.
17:55Just you, Paul.
17:57Is that the 30 seconds?
17:59It's been 30 seconds, yeah.
18:01OK.
18:02APPLAUSE
18:06The background was surprisingly accurate, actually, Tom.
18:09It was interesting, though, that you decided that she would be Toffinger,
18:13when you obviously have a female in your team.
18:16Yeah, I don't know, we just felt, you know, Toffinger likes to sit...
18:20You know, we...
18:21LAUGHTER
18:25You know, play to your strengths in a team, right?
18:27Exactly, play to your strengths.
18:29Toffinger has the kind of enigmatic-ness that is the Mona Lisa.
18:34Can we see your Mona Lisa, just to see?
18:36Yeah, see, that's not it.
18:38And yours?
18:39Yeah, there we go.
18:40No, I think you're right there.
18:42Yeah.
18:43Right, who have we got next, Paul?
18:44It's Salvador Haley and Salvador Hurley.
18:48I'm just trying to think about what I immediately remember.
18:50They look like they've had a tiff.
18:51Yes.
18:52They're at a barbecue and they can't talk about it.
18:54Yep.
18:55Or they're just any marriage before 1960.
18:58LAUGHTER
19:02OK, your 30 seconds starts.
19:05Three, two, one.
19:10We'll talk about what happened when we got home.
19:12I knew I was going to get it.
19:14Yeah, well, it's the only thing you're going to be getting.
19:16Yeah, what's new?
19:20You don't touch me any more.
19:22You're such a pitchfork.
19:24What are you going to do with that?
19:26Make some skewers, some chicken skewers.
19:29Excuse me, man.
19:30Chicken skewers sound good.
19:32Shut up.
19:33You always undercook them.
19:35We get a sore tummy.
19:38WHISTLE
19:40Really good.
19:41We did it.
19:42And honestly, if your hair does thin...
19:45Yeah?
19:46..I think you're going to be all right.
19:47Yeah?
19:48I think you're going to be OK.
19:49OK.
19:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:54What happened to that bald one?
19:55Because I'm sure there's a bald wig hanging around the taskmaster
19:58or somewhere that you used to...
19:59It definitely is.
20:00I popped into the make-up room to just get a low bun
20:02and I came out of here already cut a soccer ball in half
20:05and I knew where the bald cap was.
20:07I just was like, he's gone too far, so we'll just...
20:09Yeah.
20:10It's so crazy how your head fit in it so perfectly.
20:12Oh, it was very concerning for me at the time.
20:15Did it look comfy?
20:16It was quite comfy, yeah.
20:18It's quite cushy on the inside.
20:19I want to go in there.
20:20Yeah.
20:21It was quite nice.
20:22Any holes a go.
20:23Any holes a go.
20:25OK, I need to score this.
20:27I thought the Mona Lisa was fantastic.
20:30Three points for Tom, Abbey and Tofinga.
20:33But I thought American Gothic was particularly good.
20:36Five points for Ben and Haley.
20:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:41All right, that's enough art.
20:42It's time for us to enjoy what artists end up doing
20:45when they've run out of money in the artless hellscape
20:48that we call a society.
20:50We'll see you after these ads.
20:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:55APPLAUSE
21:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:05Hawke and Maija, welcome back to Taskmaster,
21:07the show where the losers get haunted by their failures
21:10and the winner gets haunted by Abbey's creepy doll.
21:14Paul, it's time for another task, I believe.
21:17Actually, I feel like it's getting kind of late
21:19and I kind of need to go to bed.
21:21LAUGHTER
21:24MUSIC PLAYS
21:33Hello. Oh, it's just me in here, is it?
21:35Hello.
21:38Ah!
21:39Oh. LAUGHTER
21:40It's just the door closing.
21:42Calm down, Haley.
21:44Of course.
21:45Scare Paul at bedtime.
21:47Scariest bedtime wins.
21:50Paul will arrive to go to bed in 20 minutes.
21:54Your time starts now.
21:57Scare Paul at bedtime.
21:59This is great, cos I'm naturally creepy, I think.
22:03Bedtime routine.
22:04Wash face, brush hair.
22:05De-slip it and then respect the taskmaster.
22:08OK. Journal 30 seconds.
22:11Bed.
22:12Reads for 30 seconds and then lights out.
22:16HE GIGGLES
22:18I wish I could do that again.
22:20Paul's diary, keep out.
22:22I'll be respectful of that, because one time my sister stole my diary
22:27and read it at a sleepover with all her friends.
22:29I don't think about that, ever.
22:31Things I get really scared of. Failure, sharks.
22:34Getting older and the unknown.
22:37APPLAUSE
22:40Oh, no, she already passed me.
22:43Do you want to talk about that time when your sister stole your diary
22:46and then read it at a sleepover with her friends?
22:48Yeah, I don't know why I said that, because it's true.
22:53What was in your diary?
22:56I've got the diary here and I'll read it out.
22:58I think it's mainly about how I was in love with
23:01former American Idol contestant Clay Aitken.
23:04I don't know if anyone remembers Clay Aitken.
23:06So was I.
23:07Yeah.
23:08Shall we see who spooks you first, Paul?
23:10Up first, it's Tom Sainsbury.
23:16WATER SPLASHES
23:28LAUGHTER
23:36LAUGHTER
23:39LAUGHTER
23:43SLURPING
23:47LAUGHTER
23:51SLURPING
23:55Wah! LAUGHTER
23:59SLURPING
24:04Goodnight.
24:06Thank you, Tom.
24:07Have a good sleep.
24:12Quite scary.
24:13Was that a ghost or a ghoul?
24:14What was that exactly?
24:16That was a ghoul, it was.
24:17There was also a mannequin in the bed,
24:19but that didn't seem to scare you so much.
24:21In fact, he was excited.
24:23Yeah. LAUGHTER
24:24He sort of started suckling on it. It was odd.
24:26LAUGHTER
24:29OK, who's next?
24:30Up next, she's incredibly scary.
24:33It's Arby Howells.
24:38EERIE MUSIC
24:40Is that Paul?
24:42Yeah.
24:43I didn't recognise you.
24:45Cos you look so old.
24:48Haggard by time.
24:50HE PANTS
24:52Well, you're not looking too good yourself.
24:54How dare you, Paul?
24:55You'd better be quiet, or else I'll feed you to the sharks.
24:59Oh. Yeah.
25:01And like that, did you?
25:04OK, I'll be back.
25:06Like tonight, or like another night?
25:07You don't know.
25:08Cos I don't know. I don't know what my schedule's going to be yet.
25:11OK. Just at some point.
25:13At some point.
25:14When I've worked out my schedule.
25:17LAUGHTER
25:20APPLAUSE
25:23Yeah, the old torch under the chin, classic scary look.
25:26Classic. I channelled all my energy into the look.
25:30And once I got under the bed, I was like,
25:31I don't know what I'm doing.
25:33I don't know. I mean...
25:34But you look so much like Daphne.
25:36You look like Daphne.
25:37You've got the eyelashes, the hair, and the little red lipstick.
25:40I know. Yeah, OK.
25:42I was full of spirits.
25:44I'll tell you what.
25:45And there's something about a ghost with a busy schedule.
25:48Yeah.
25:49Yeah.
25:50Probably means you're a good ghost.
25:51You're going to do scaring all over town.
25:52Many people have wronged me, and I must make them pay.
25:55OK.
25:56Show me another one, please, Paul.
25:57This guy is also really scary.
26:00It's Torfinga.
26:02LAUGHTER
26:05LAUGHTER
26:10SCREAMING
26:12Wake up, Paul! Wake up!
26:14I'm awake. I'm awake.
26:16OK.
26:17Um, I was scared you were in the cupboard.
26:20Oh.
26:21When it fell.
26:22It's nice of you to think that I could fit in the cupboard.
26:25LAUGHTER
26:26Have a good sleep.
26:28APPLAUSE
26:32I did not see that coming.
26:34The fear was understandable there.
26:36It was health and safety based.
26:37Did you see how close the wardrobe came?
26:39I came out of the closet in a similar way.
26:41LAUGHTER
26:42You just tore it down.
26:44Slammed your way out.
26:45Far out.
26:46I was incredibly scared.
26:47Obviously, big fright, but also I was scared for his safety.
26:50I thought he was in it, and it had just fallen.
26:52LAUGHTER
26:56Anyway, let's see another one.
26:58Now it's time for a woman who's so spooky
27:00she's named after the spookiest night of the year.
27:04It's Hayley Wien.
27:05LAUGHTER
27:11I cast a freezing spell on you.
27:17It's a frozen...
27:21...mind.
27:22CLATTERING
27:28GROWLING
27:29LAUGHTER
27:32GROWLING
27:34I actually don't know how you're doing that.
27:36Shut up.
27:37OK.
27:38This bed's not super sturdy.
27:41I would stop moving it if you are under there.
27:44Who says I'm not in the wardrobe?
27:46Why don't you go and look?
27:48You've tied me to the bed.
27:52LAUGHTER
27:57GROWLING
28:02SCREAMING
28:04LAUGHTER
28:07Were you scared, Paul?
28:08Yeah, that was genuinely quite scary.
28:10APPLAUSE
28:14I think when all else fails, it's always just screaming
28:17at the top of your lungs in the dark.
28:19I'd actually sort of done a bit of everything,
28:21and it was all failing.
28:22Like, I'd put this Bluetooth speaker in the wardrobe,
28:25and then I was under the bed, and it had disconnected,
28:27and I was like, what happened?
28:29And I was kind of bamboozled.
28:30She was like, why don't you go look in the wardrobe?
28:33Just a Bluetooth speaker.
28:34LAUGHTER
28:35Playing nothing.
28:36It wasn't connected to anything.
28:37Yeah, OK.
28:38OK.
28:39But the lassoing was expert.
28:40That was good, eh?
28:41Around there.
28:42That was superb.
28:43I was a teenage witch, so I know how to spook people.
28:46That's very high level.
28:48All right.
28:49Now it's time for the real stuff of nightmares, ads.
28:51We'll be back with more Taskmaster after this.
28:54APPLAUSE
28:56MUSIC
29:03APPLAUSE
29:07Kia ora anō.
29:08Welcome back to Taskmaster,
29:10where five comedians are giving Paul Williams frights
29:13in the hopes of winning their own human children.
29:16Is that about right, Paul?
29:18Yes.
29:19Our contestants are competing to give me the scariest bedtime.
29:22Now, it's Ben time.
29:26MUSIC
29:33BUZZER
29:40BUZZER
29:41LAUGHTER
29:48Hi, Paul.
29:50I'm you.
29:51Later on in your life,
29:53complete all the things you ever wanted to do with your life.
29:57In the next 45 minutes, your time starts now.
30:03I just want to go to bed.
30:05Wasting it once again.
30:08MUSIC
30:11APPLAUSE
30:15Oh, my God.
30:16I can't imagine anything scarier than going to sleep with a picture of Ben Hurley beside me.
30:21OK, so the scary thing was that he would turn into you?
30:25Hmm.
30:26LAUGHTER
30:27Was that scary?
30:28No.
30:29I'd be stoked if I grew up to be Ben.
30:33Thanks.
30:34Grew up.
30:35LAUGHTER
30:37How do you want to score it?
30:39I will go Ben one point.
30:41Yeah, that's fair.
30:42It wasn't particularly freaky.
30:44I think two points for Tom,
30:47even though there was a jump scare in there.
30:50I thought Toffinger probably deserved three points
30:53cos there was only the one,
30:55but that was quite freaky with the wardrobe falling over.
30:58Abby was kind of herself and that was quite freaky,
31:01so four.
31:02And five for Hayley.
31:04Yes!
31:05APPLAUSE
31:07Lovely.
31:09All right, Paul, what have you got in store for us now?
31:12Nothing.
31:13This is just two strangers in the park.
31:17MUSIC
31:24Oh, God.
31:25Hi.
31:26LAUGHTER
31:28It's quite a long walk, isn't it?
31:31Hello, Paul.
31:32I don't know you.
31:33I get what this is.
31:35Spy stuff.
31:38Yep.
31:44Is that all right?
31:45If this is a bomb, I'll be very upset.
31:48Oh...
31:49Oh, no.
31:51Just...
31:53Pull them out.
31:54Yeah.
31:55LAUGHTER
31:57Oh, God.
32:02I'm going to get my double-chans.
32:07HE GIGGLES
32:11During the studio record,
32:13tell an anecdote that makes the audience go,
32:16oh...
32:18The anecdote cannot be true.
32:20During the studio record,
32:22be extremely curious about Ben Hurley's...
32:25..skincare routine at least twice.
32:28During the studio record,
32:30confident...
32:32I was going to say confidentially.
32:34Confidently.
32:35I mispronounce three different English words.
32:38LAUGHTER
32:39During the studio record,
32:41passionately promote a fictional product.
32:44During the studio record,
32:46give the contestant seated to your left
32:49the nickname Mustard Hands.
32:51You must refer to him by the nickname at least three times...
32:55No-one can know it as a task.
32:57Most seamless integration wins.
32:59Even till episode nine.
33:01Your time starts now.
33:02Your time starts now.
33:03Your time starts now.
33:05I can do that.
33:06I can do that on a dime.
33:09Any questions?
33:10What's your codename?
33:12Black Cat.
33:13They call me The Serpent.
33:15Oh, well, now mine sounds lame.
33:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
33:19Oh, wow.
33:20Well, that explains some, but not all,
33:23of the very strange behaviour
33:25which has been taking place on the stage
33:28over the past nine shows.
33:30Shall we see who managed to pull off their secret mission?
33:33First off, calling the person to his left Mustard Hands,
33:36here's Ben Hurley.
33:38LAUGHTER
33:40Let me smell yours.
33:41Is it brand new?
33:42Good luck, Abi.
33:44You smell like mustard.
33:45LAUGHTER
33:46Now you're going to have Mustard Hands.
33:49Do your focus.
33:50Do your focus.
33:51Excuse me, can you let me focus?
33:53Hang on.
33:54Excuse me, I'm talking to Mustard Hands here.
33:56Yeah.
33:57So Hayley's chosen a sort of black leather loafer
34:00with a buckle.
34:01Classic Mustard Hands.
34:02LAUGHTER
34:03You always had so many bits of, like, food in it.
34:06Might as well put ketchup in there.
34:08Mustard.
34:09Old Mustard Hands.
34:10All right, pick a fat.
34:11LAUGHTER
34:12Wow, Ben.
34:13That was amazing.
34:14APPLAUSE
34:15Oh, my God.
34:17I totally thought that was just some bizarre Hurley...
34:20Same.
34:21Same.
34:22I've never heard of that before.
34:23Mustard Hands.
34:24I know.
34:25I feel this whole time I've been lied to by you.
34:27We used to be friends.
34:28He had another task where he had to pretend
34:30to be excited to see me.
34:31It's all a lie.
34:32LAUGHTER
34:33You must have been quite stoked, though,
34:35because that was part of your mission,
34:37but you were getting good laughs for the Mustard Hands line.
34:40I know.
34:41This audience is a lot tougher.
34:43LAUGHTER
34:44All right, who's next?
34:46Promoting her fictional product, here's Abbey Howells.
34:50Oh, my God, her tattoos are so problematic.
34:53LAUGHTER
34:54She's just best from far away, I think,
34:57even though she's a lovely, beautiful lady
34:59printed with sexy ink.
35:01LAUGHTER
35:02It's sexy ink, baby.
35:03It's the best.
35:04APPLAUSE
35:05OK.
35:06So, a fictional company?
35:08Yeah, Sexy Ink.
35:10I also did another one today.
35:12Ecto-Ray.
35:13Oh!
35:14LAUGHTER
35:15And I used my Ecto-Ray
35:17to measure the level of spirit in the doll.
35:20Dude!
35:21And all of you just accepted it
35:23as some of the weird stuff that I would say naturally.
35:27APPLAUSE
35:29That's good.
35:31OK, what about Tom?
35:33Making the audience go,
35:34oh, about an anecdote that never happened,
35:36it's Tom Sainsbury.
35:38You might not realise it,
35:39but I've actually got a very, very big head.
35:41LAUGHTER
35:42And I...
35:44I haven't been able to find a hat that fits.
35:47Oh!
35:49LAUGHTER
35:50And then I found this hat,
35:52and it was the first one that fit my head.
35:55And I left it behind in a taxi
35:57coming home from somewhere in Newmarket
35:59after having one too many mudslides.
36:01LAUGHTER
36:04Sorry.
36:05LAUGHTER
36:06APPLAUSE
36:09They always say with liars,
36:10like, don't put in too many needless details,
36:12and I think I failed on that, you know.
36:14Why did it need to be about mudslides
36:16from somewhere in Newmarket?
36:18But you know what? I think I sold it.
36:20Oh, the amazing part is that I saw tears start to well up,
36:24and I thought, well, this really is a moment for Tom.
36:27Yeah.
36:28That fictional fedora meant a lot to fictional Tom.
36:31OK, what about Te Finga?
36:33Te Finga was unfortunately unable
36:35to comment on Ben's skincare routine.
36:38Luckily, we had some friends help him out.
36:40And can I say, when you're real angry, Ben,
36:43something happens to your skin that just really glows?
36:46LAUGHTER
36:47Hey, I don't know what moisturiser you're using,
36:49but you look great.
36:50Ben, can I just say, when the light hit your face,
36:53absolute delightful skin, what's your skincare routine?
36:56Yeah, it's good, eh?
36:57Yeah, what is your routine?
36:59Um, water.
37:00LAUGHTER
37:01Our contestants are making soap
37:03using unique and inventive ingredients
37:06like soap.
37:07Wait, uh, Ben, what's your skincare routine?
37:10LAUGHTER
37:11Actually, this is a lot of pink fat.
37:13APPLAUSE
37:18Oh, that was very good.
37:19Bubba going twice in a row there almost within about five minutes.
37:22That was gutsy.
37:23Yeah, then she said she was going to become a stripper,
37:26and I thought, oh, people are hitting on me again.
37:28LAUGHTER
37:29OK, what about Hayley?
37:30Finally, confidently mispronouncing three words,
37:34here's Hayley Sproul.
37:36Stay tuned for tickets for our...
37:38Exactly.
37:39..performance of Little Shop of Horrors.
37:41I absolutely can't wait for that.
37:42You've never been through childbirth, have you?
37:46I've never been through childbirth, no.
37:48Oh, right.
37:49No, I haven't.
37:50No, I mean, I have.
37:51So, if we...
37:52This is Settlers of Caton, and if you look up close,
37:57that's me.
37:58LAUGHTER
37:59Wow.
38:01Also, Hayley, a lot of nerds watch this show.
38:03It's Settlers of Caton.
38:05LAUGHTER
38:06APPLAUSE
38:10I don't come across as the most likeable in those clips.
38:14LAUGHTER
38:16Real nitpicker.
38:17You're going to really love watching this show, babe.
38:19You literally caught me two out of my three times.
38:21An absolute pedant.
38:22How insufferable.
38:24I'm actually mispronouncing cheese.
38:27LAUGHTER
38:29I was so nervous about doing that one today
38:32because it's so embarrassing to call Settlers of Caton
38:35Settlers of Caton.
38:36LAUGHTER
38:38So, am I going to have to judge everybody?
38:40This is impossible.
38:41So, everybody did their task?
38:43Essentially, yeah.
38:46Five points, everyone.
38:48CHEERING
38:50APPLAUSE
38:52Very good.
38:54Yeah, that's right.
38:55Slap those mustard hands together.
38:56LAUGHTER
38:58Now it's time for a secret mission for you at home.
39:01Watch all these ads
39:02and let them influence your consumer choices in the future.
39:06We'll be back after this.
39:07CHEERING
39:08APPLAUSE
39:19Nau mai, hoki mai.
39:20Welcome back to Taskmaster.
39:22We're about to embark on a live task
39:24and award one New Zealand comedian
39:27one of the worst prize packs ever offered on television.
39:31Excuse me.
39:32But first, can we get a lay of the land score-wise, please, Paul?
39:36Yes, Jeremy.
39:37You've actually just really insulted Ben Hurley's kids.
39:40LAUGHTER
39:42And my doll.
39:43LAUGHTER
39:45And my little sausage.
39:47LAUGHTER
39:52OK, it's unbelievably tight.
39:54We've got three people on 18,
39:56but in first with 20 points, it's Hayley Sproul.
39:59All right.
40:00Sounds about right to me.
40:01Would everyone please get up to the stage for the live task?
40:05CHEERING
40:09So, how's this going to work, Paul?
40:11Ben Hurley, can you please read this task?
40:13Oh, sure.
40:15Do you want me to hold it?
40:16Yeah, that'd... Yeah, it'd be great.
40:19OK.
40:20For two minutes, simultaneously eat spaghetti,
40:23keep your balloon off the ground
40:25and participate in Paul's pub quiz
40:28all while being naturally photogenic.
40:30LAUGHTER
40:32Your camera can go off at any point during the two minutes
40:35most photogenic photo wins.
40:37Oh, my God.
40:38Most correct quiz answers receives two bonus points.
40:42Most spaghetti eaten gets a bonus point.
40:45If your balloon hits the ground, you lose a point.
40:48Your time starts on Paul's whistle.
40:50What on earth?
40:53Here's my worst fear.
40:55It catches me throwing up.
40:58Are you allergic to spaghetti?
41:00No, I'm allergic to your bullshit.
41:02LAUGHTER
41:04Oh!
41:07On my whistle.
41:09WHISTLE BLOWS
41:12CHEERING
41:16What is the name of the river that flows through Rome?
41:21Tyber.
41:22Correct, Ben.
41:23How many times have Italy won the FIFA World Cup?
41:26Four times.
41:27Correct, Chris Parker.
41:28Oh, my God.
41:29Balloon has hit the ground.
41:31What is the primary ingredient in risotto?
41:34Rice!
41:35Aburio rice!
41:37I'm giving it to Hayley.
41:39Hayley, correct.
41:41What animal native to China shares a name...
41:44Panda!
41:45..with an Italian car?
41:46Who said panda first?
41:47Me, Sainsbury's.
41:48Tom Sainsbury.
41:50How many Ls are in the word coliseum?
41:53Three!
41:54Four!
41:55One!
41:56Is someone saying four?
41:57Two!
41:58One!
41:59Correct, Tom.
42:00What is the Italian word for spaghetti?
42:03Spaghetti!
42:04Tom Sainsbury, correct.
42:06What country does James Bond have a boat chasing
42:09in Russia With Love?
42:10Milan!
42:11Russia!
42:12Copenhagen!
42:13Wellington!
42:14Italy!
42:15Italy, correct, Tom Sainsbury.
42:17What are the three ingredients in a margarita pizza?
42:20Potato!
42:21Potato!
42:22Tomato!
42:23Cheese!
42:28Could you hear who got that last question right?
42:31Yeah, I think it was Hayley.
42:34OK.
42:35Come on down and we'll see how these photos turned out.
42:42Thanks for shouting dinner, Jeremy.
42:45Pleasure.
42:46Warm enough for you?
42:47Just how I like it.
42:48Ten degrees.
42:50Yes.
42:51So Chris did like it.
42:52He ate the most spaghetti.
42:56No.
42:57Well done.
42:58Don't clap that.
42:59That is so embarrassing.
43:01So that's plus one for Chris.
43:04However, his balloon was the only balloon to touch the ground,
43:07so that's minus one for Chris.
43:08That's OK.
43:09And Tom gets plus two for the most trivia questions answered.
43:13Correctly.
43:15Well done, Tom.
43:16Well done.
43:17Should we look at the photos?
43:18Oh, I can't wait to see these photos.
43:20Who are we going to start with?
43:22Here's Tom.
43:23OK.
43:24Oh, OK.
43:26Oh, I like that I can see what you're eating.
43:30OK.
43:31Should we see Chris?
43:32No.
43:35I look really good.
43:37Look at my bone structure.
43:39Where are you?
43:40Where are you?
43:41That's where he was sort of coming towards the front of the stage
43:43to get his balloon.
43:45Or heat that pasta up for another serving of that.
43:49I'm expecting a lot from Hayley.
43:51She was working the lens.
43:53Hayley.
43:58You said it's Chris's picture.
44:00Well, there I am.
44:03Can I honestly say, that is the worst photo of me to ever exist.
44:08Chris is not being judged on that.
44:10Well, I am.
44:12I also was about to say, that's an unflattering angle of my jawline.
44:16But if you just sort of look to the right, it's actually OK.
44:19I got you, mate.
44:20I got you.
44:21It's giving waist.
44:22It's giving boobs.
44:23It's great.
44:24There's a little bit of spaghetti sort of dripping through your cleavage there,
44:27which is beautiful.
44:28Sexy.
44:29OK.
44:30Ben Hurley.
44:31Here's Ben Hurley.
44:33Wow.
44:34Oh, Hurley.
44:36I'm trying to staunch the camera out.
44:40That's actually one of the best photos I've ever seen of you, Ben,
44:42to be honest.
44:43All right.
44:44Let's see Abby last of all.
44:45Here's Abby.
44:48Goodness sake.
44:50Stop it.
44:52Wow.
44:53Abby, come on.
44:55No, that's how the divas do it, isn't it?
44:58Amazing.
44:59So how do you want to score it?
45:01OK.
45:02Well, Chris is obviously one.
45:04He's not in there.
45:05Sorry, Chris.
45:06That's fine.
45:07Hayley, two.
45:08Tom, three.
45:09Ben, four.
45:10And, of course, Abby, five.
45:12How could they not?
45:15Should we do a series score update?
45:18I'd love a series score update.
45:21With a two-point lead, currently leading season five,
45:24it's Hayley Sproul.
45:26Two, two.
45:27Two points.
45:28I'll take it.
45:30All right.
45:31Let's focus on the now, Paul.
45:33Who was our episode nine winner?
45:35It was a nail-biter.
45:37But with 23 points, the winner of episode nine is Abby Howell.
45:41Congratulations, Abby.
45:43You are now the proud owner of a bunch of stuff
45:46that reminds other comedians of themselves.
45:48Please head up to the stage and enjoy your bounty.
45:53Ngā mihi o te pō.
45:55Good night.
45:59Bye, guys.
46:08APPLAUSE
46:13Welcome to the grand finale of season five of Taskmaster.
46:19This is the episode that matters.
46:22Oh!
46:23Where our winner is crowned.
46:24Testing, testing.
46:25And where history is written.
46:33Oh!