Taskmaster NZ S05 E09
Taskmaster NZ S05 E09
Taskmaster NZ S05 E10 >>> https://dai.ly/x9550v8
Taskmaster NZ S05 E10 >>> https://dai.ly/x9550v8
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TVTranscript
00:00Hello.
00:01That's for the haters.
00:02Come here.
00:03Come here.
00:04Jiggle a little.
00:05See ya.
00:07Oh!
00:08Ah!
00:09Ah!
00:10He he he he!
00:11Nau mai, haere mai and welcome to Taskmaster.
00:39My name's Jeremy Wells and I was installed in this job after the previous democratically
00:44elected host was overthrown in a bloody coup, masterminded by the CIA.
00:50It's unfortunate things got to that point, but I think we can all agree it was for the
00:54best because now I am the Taskmaster.
00:58We are gathered here tonight to see five as yet uncancelled New Zealand comedians battle
01:08it out to win this, the Taskmaster Trophy.
01:13The five comedians jostling for the win tonight are Abbie Howells, Ben Hurley, Haley Sproul
01:24and Tom Sainsbury.
01:28Our fifth contestant, Taufinga Fipulia, he, as you may know, is unable to join us in the
01:33studio this season, but we have been keeping his seat warm with the bottoms of beloved
01:38Taskmaster alumni.
01:40And joining us for Eps 9 and 10, the one and only Chris Parker!
01:51And as always, here to do all the dirty work so I can keep my hands clean like a deadpan
01:57dog poo bag, it's Paul Williams!
02:04Tell us about the prize task, would you Paul?
02:07Today we've asked our contestants to bring in the thing that reminds them of themselves.
02:12OK Chris, let's start with you.
02:14What did you bring in that reminds you of yourself?
02:16Well I'm not here as myself, Jeremy, I'm actually here on behalf of Taufinga, and so the best
02:22thing that reminded me of Taufinga is his entire line of merchandise, and I've just
02:30done him a sort of easy buy style catalogue photo shoot there.
02:34So the tote bag, the t-shirt, the hat, and there's a hoodie as well, there we go.
02:39Your head looks a bit like an eel when it comes out of a cave.
02:46I know what you mean, honestly I didn't think a hoodie could be unflattering but somehow
02:50it is.
02:52Tom, what did you bring in that reminds you of you?
02:55Well let's just look at it.
03:01You know, I think I'm just good at a party.
03:05I tend to go red.
03:07Aren't you vegan?
03:10Yeah I am.
03:12OK, Abby, what did you bring in that reminds you of you?
03:16I brought in a haunted doll.
03:19Yep.
03:20Wow.
03:21Her name is Daphne, and the thing about Daphne is she is haunted.
03:26I went over Daphne with my beloved Ecto-Rae, and she is full of spirit.
03:33And that thing is 100% accurate all the time.
03:36Wow.
03:37So I think at the worst Daphne is a bit disconcerting, but at the best she could be a wonderful companion.
03:47No further questions, Your Honour.
03:49I'm shocked her name is Daphne because I like your outfit and it reminds me of Daphne from Scooby-Doo.
03:55Oh yeah.
03:56Thank you so much.
03:57Yes, that was absolutely on purpose.
03:59It's like watching preschoolers talk at the sandpit, though, so.
04:05Ben.
04:06Well I thought I might go a little bit more wholesome because when I think of the thing
04:10that reminds me most of me, it's my children.
04:13Aww.
04:14Yeah.
04:15But I can't give away my children.
04:17Well you can, it's just a long legal process.
04:21Yeah, okay, let's do that.
04:24I've got two beautiful daughters.
04:26A lot of people say they look like me, but I don't really see the resemblance.
04:34So you said obviously you couldn't give your kids away.
04:38You do realise how the show works?
04:39Yeah, yeah, Hayley convinced me we're going to do it.
04:42Okay.
04:44Oh, I don't want them.
04:45Better throw the f*** up then.
04:49I will raise your children, Ben.
04:51Oh God.
04:54Hayley, what did you bring in?
04:55Hello Jeremy.
04:56So there's a very popular board game and on the front of the original box, I'm pretty
05:03sure it's me.
05:06So if we, this is Settlers of Caton and if you look up close, that's me.
05:13Wow.
05:16Also, Hayley, a lot of nerds watch this show, it's Settlers of Caton.
05:23Caton?
05:24Yeah.
05:25Caton.
05:27C-A-T-O-N, it's Caton.
05:29No, Caton.
05:30I just love the smirk.
05:31Why's she smirking so?
05:32Because she's like, look over there.
05:35Is the other Settler of Caton checking out your breasts or am I imagining it?
05:39It would have two T's if it was Caton.
05:42It's Caton.
05:43Don't be silly.
05:44I do think that, yeah, the little friend is having a geeze at my rack and good for him,
05:50you know?
05:51Okay.
05:52Tom, I'm going to give you one point because I see what you mean with the Cheerio but to
05:57me you're more like an old English devil's sausage.
05:59Fair call.
06:01Two points for Ben, I'll go three points for Hayley and four points for the merch, for
06:11Tofinga and five points because that doll's freakily like you.
06:20Everyone's warmed up, should we get on with the task?
06:23Of course.
06:24Here's the whole task.
06:33There you are.
06:34There you are.
06:35Here I am.
06:38Hello Paul.
06:39Hello Abby.
06:40You're so cordial.
06:42What's happening Bella?
06:44Just another task.
06:46Another one?
06:47Yeah.
06:48There's two here.
06:49Yeah.
06:50Someone's got a hole in it.
06:51Yeah, I got a hole in one.
06:52Oh.
06:53I got a hole in one.
06:54Oh.
06:56So that's just there for that joke?
06:58Yeah.
06:59Okay, it was worth it.
07:00I sort of like the challenge of this one.
07:03No, okay, that was a dumb idea.
07:06Okay.
07:08Get a hole in one from the furthest distance.
07:10The ball can be any ball.
07:12The hole can be any hole.
07:14Furthest distance wins.
07:15You have 20 minutes or until you get a hole in one.
07:18Your time starts now.
07:20What would you do in this situation?
07:23Get a hole in one from...
07:25A far distance?
07:26Yeah.
07:30This seems pretty simple.
07:32Extremely simple.
07:33Get a hole in one from as far away as possible.
07:35All right, should we get into it?
07:37It's a par three.
07:38It's Hayley, Tofinga and Tom.
07:40Furthest hole.
07:42Let's see if I can get in that par three.
07:44Okay.
07:45Any hole is a goal.
07:47Is that the phrase?
07:48I'm not sure.
07:49I feel like technically that's a hole.
07:51I mean, that's up for debate.
07:54We've got a whole bunch of balls here.
07:57I'm going to make a hole using this tent.
08:00So what I'm thinking
08:02is that I will tape one of these onto the frisbee.
08:06There we go, there's the ball.
08:07That's good, you stand there.
08:08You'll move if it's going to hit you in the face.
08:11Okay.
08:12Ready, Paul?
08:13Yeah.
08:17Yes!
08:19Oh, Paul, sorry.
08:21Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
08:22I'm not very athletic, so excuse me, New Zealand.
08:28I think the ball might be causing wind lag.
08:31I'll just see if I can just do this without.
08:34Oh my God, I'm giving up!
08:39I was hoping it would bounce off you and...
08:41Oh.
08:42We're going to use the clubs.
08:43Hopefully my dad's not watching.
08:44He will be, he loves this show.
08:51Good catch.
08:52Crouch down and put it on the ground.
08:54Like, I could bowl it.
08:59Oh.
09:02Damn it, that was so close.
09:04That was good, that's the technique.
09:10Yes!
09:14Oh, behind.
09:20Stay where you are, stay where you are.
09:26Yes!
09:27Woo-hoo!
09:32Stay where you are.
09:3317 metres, 92.
09:3670!
09:3717, teen.
09:39Yep, 17.
09:4117 metres, 92.
09:4392!
09:49Tom, I have never heard that phrase any holes ago.
09:52What does that mean?
09:53I just think when you play a lot of sport like I do,
09:56you're like, you know, there's two goals in the end,
09:59and it's a success, I believe, I don't know.
10:02It doesn't matter what team you're playing for.
10:04Yeah.
10:06Yeah, and sometimes you have to get an own goal.
10:09And sometimes you've never played sport before.
10:14I thought it was quite interesting that you had to tell Paul
10:17that if the ball was going to hit him in the face,
10:19that he was going to have to move.
10:21He's a simple man, you know what I mean?
10:23Yeah.
10:24We're far along enough now that we know that with Paul.
10:26Meanwhile, Chris, I see Tuffinger just laughed
10:29when he hit Paul with the ball.
10:31He's got to teach him a lesson
10:32and get his face out of that damn iPad.
10:35Look up, you know?
10:36You've had enough screen time.
10:37Exactly.
10:39We've heard the word ESA a lot, actually, in this series.
10:42ESA.
10:43And this was interesting, because there was ESA
10:45when the ball just missed, Chris,
10:47and then there was an ESA when the ball went in.
10:50Yeah.
10:51Does anyone know what ESA means? Anyone?
10:53I mean, you know, have a look at the panel.
10:55Probably not.
10:57It's going to play out either way,
10:59but the worst version is, we guess.
11:04So, Hayley, 12 metres 67.
11:08Tuffinger, 17 metres 92.
11:11Tom, 25 metres 74.
11:13That's good.
11:14Ooh, OK.
11:15Coming up after the break,
11:17we'll have two more of the least impressive holes
11:20in one you'll ever see in your life.
11:22We'll see you then.
11:26APPLAUSE
11:37Welcome back to Taskmaster.
11:39Where are we, Paul?
11:40Our contestants were tasked with getting a hole-in-one
11:43with whatever ball and whatever hole they chose.
11:46Furthest hole-in-one wins.
11:48Up next, it's Abbey Holes and Ben Holey.
11:52OK, any hole.
11:54Can I dig a hole?
11:55Any hole.
11:56Any hole.
11:57All right, Paul, do you want to play a little game?
11:59Come with me.
12:00You ready?
12:01Yeah.
12:05How impressive.
12:07Do you like this little manoeuvre I'm doing with the shovel?
12:10Is that saving you energy?
12:11No, it just sort of suggests that I'm in charge.
12:16I hope you get your bond back on this Airbnb you've got here.
12:22Bam.
12:23No! Oh, shoot!
12:25Stop the clock.
12:26Oh, no!
12:27That was just a practice.
12:2973 centimetres.
12:32Or do we count this as a hole?
12:34You could struggle to argue that it's not a hole.
12:37I'll use the power of my brain.
12:39That was just a test, that was just a test.
12:41OK, I'm back, I've got a second chance.
12:43I'm getting quite big with this hole.
12:45It looks like you're getting a nice, clean thing
12:47that I can just put back in there.
12:49That's what I'm trying to do.
12:50Is this allowed?
12:51Yeah.
12:52Good.
12:53Dang it.
12:59Come to Hurley.
13:00Oh, look, it's a hole, it's a hole.
13:02What do you reckon, Paul?
13:03That's a hole.
13:04OK, there's a small patch of grass missing.
13:07I'm just going to bask in real manual labour for a second.
13:12Four.
13:13Did you say four before you hit it?
13:15Yeah, to let everyone know
13:16that a pretty dangerous ball might be coming.
13:20OK, are you ready, Paul?
13:22I'm ready.
13:23For a temptahi.
13:26It needs to be stronger.
13:28Four.
13:30Four.
13:34Have you lost it?
13:35Oh, Lord.
13:36Oh, no, there it is.
13:37Yeah.
13:38Is that a fetching duck?
13:39I feel like it was going for the ball.
13:41Yeah, it's not a pond, it's just a hole.
13:43Oh, my God, it's a hole.
13:46Go away, go away.
13:49Bowling ball?
13:50Yeah.
13:51Four.
13:54I went over it.
13:56Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
13:58Oh, no!
14:02OK, the thing about the hole is that it's...
14:05..very small and almost impossible to even see.
14:11Yep, yep, that's in, that's in, that's in, that's in!
14:14Stay where you are.
14:15OK.
14:19Paul, would you think I was crazy if you said,
14:21could we go for attempt one?
14:23So now you're going to argue that that is a hole?
14:25I was wrong to say that it wasn't.
14:32Wait, there was a camera in there, I think.
14:34Oh.
14:36APPLAUSE
14:41The hole was so small
14:43that the editors had to put a circle around it
14:46so you could see it on the footage.
14:48I was sort of hoping you wouldn't show that one, to be honest.
14:53How far was Abby's hole in one?
14:55So, the current leader was Tom, with 25 metres 74.
14:59Yeah.
15:00Abby, 73 centimetres.
15:03That's the first manual labour
15:05that I've seen on Taskmaster in five seasons.
15:07This was the first task I did, and I thought,
15:09is this what this show is, just digging and chucking balls?
15:12I was like, I am in my element!
15:15How far was Ben's hole in one?
15:1829.3 metres.
15:20Oh!
15:21Yes.
15:22OK, so how are we going to score that?
15:24That means one point for Abby, two points for Hayley,
15:27three points for Taufinga, four points for Tom
15:30and five points for Ben Hurley.
15:34Very good from Tom.
15:35Good, Tom.
15:36All right, what's happening on the scoreboard then, Paul?
15:39It's a two-way tie, both on seven points.
15:41It's Ben and Taufinga.
15:46All right, Paul, can you hit me with another task, please?
15:48Sure thing, Jeremy.
15:49It's time for another teen task,
15:51and this one is a task masterpiece.
16:00Here we come.
16:01Here comes the dream team.
16:03Hey, Paul, is it left...
16:05Is it opposite, do you think?
16:07Do you think it's this?
16:08No, Drew.
16:12Let's see what we've got.
16:14Bring a classic artwork to life.
16:17Oh.
16:18Best living artwork wins.
16:20You have 30 minutes to prepare your artwork.
16:22It must be alive for at least 30 seconds.
16:24Your time starts now.
16:26We don't want to do...
16:28Oh, God.
16:29At least you wanted to take your clothes off.
16:31You should do that one.
16:32All right, Paul.
16:33You can say that too quickly and too enthusiastically.
16:36OK, sweet.
16:37We'll be back, we'll be back.
16:38See you soon.
16:43Good to have the young ones running around for you.
16:45Yeah.
16:49I'm starting to get a bit worried about you
16:51getting a little bit confident this season,
16:53telling our comedians to get naked.
16:55Just thinking about ratings.
16:58I'm ready to see some beautiful works of art come to life.
17:02Who's first, Paul?
17:03Taking on Da Vinci, it's the team of three.
17:08Hello, Toffinger, we're back.
17:10Very clever.
17:11OK, so if you hold those in your thumb there.
17:15OK.
17:16OK, start counting.
17:18OK, two, one.
17:26Is this the painting alive?
17:28Yeah, this is the painting alive.
17:30It's quite similar to it, just still.
17:33Hi.
17:34She's breathing.
17:36She's breathing.
17:37Yeah.
17:38I'm breathing, Paul.
17:40Look how beautiful I am, Paul.
17:44Extremely beautiful Mona.
17:46I love you, Paul.
17:48Thank you, Mona.
17:49You can call me Lisa.
17:51She doesn't let a lot of people do that.
17:53Yeah, this is actually quite a big privilege, Paul.
17:55Just you, Paul.
17:56Was that the 30 seconds?
17:58It's been 30 seconds, yeah.
18:00OK.
18:05The background was surprisingly accurate, actually, Tom.
18:08It was interesting, though, that you decided that she would be Toffinger
18:12when you obviously have a female in your team.
18:15Yeah, I don't know, we just felt, you know, Toffinger likes to sit...
18:19You know, we...
18:24You know, play to your strengths in a team, right?
18:26Exactly, play to your strengths.
18:28And Toffinger has the kind of enigmaticness that is the Mona Lisa.
18:33Can we see your Mona Lisa, just to see?
18:35Yeah, see, that's not it.
18:37And yours?
18:38Yeah, there we go.
18:39No, I think you're right there.
18:41Right, who have we got next, Paul?
18:43It's Salvador Haley and Salvador Hurley.
18:47I'm just trying to think about what I immediately remember.
18:49They look like they've had a tiff,
18:51like they're at a barbecue and they can't talk about it.
18:53Yep, or they're just any marriage before 1960.
18:56Yeah.
18:57Yeah.
19:02OK, your 30 seconds starts.
19:05Three, two, one.
19:09We'll talk about what happened when we got home.
19:12I knew I was going to get it.
19:14Yeah, well, it's the only thing you're going to be getting.
19:16Hm, what's new?
19:18You can't touch me anymore.
19:22What are you going to do with that?
19:24Make some skewers, some chicken skewers?
19:26Stupid man.
19:28Chicken skewers sound good.
19:30Shut up.
19:31You always undercook them.
19:33We get a sore tummy.
19:38Really good.
19:39We did it.
19:40And honestly, if your hair does thin...
19:43Yeah?
19:44I think you're going to be all right.
19:46I think you're going to be OK.
19:48Great.
19:52What happened to that bald wig?
19:53Because I'm sure there's a bald wig hanging around the Taskmaster
19:56somewhere that you used to...
19:57It definitely is.
19:58I popped into the make-up room to just get a low bun
20:00and I came out of here already cut a soccer ball in half
20:03and I knew where the bald cap was.
20:05I just was like, he's gone too fast.
20:07Yeah.
20:08It's so crazy how your head fit in it so perfectly.
20:11It was very concerning for me at the time.
20:13Did it look comfy?
20:15It was quite comfy, yeah.
20:16It's quite cushy on the inside.
20:18I want to go in there.
20:19Yes.
20:20It was quite nice.
20:21Any holes a go.
20:22Any holes a go.
20:24OK, I need to score this.
20:26I thought the Mona Lisa was fantastic.
20:28Three points for Tom, Abbie and Te Finga.
20:31But I thought American Gothic was particularly good.
20:34Five points for Ben and Hayley.
20:39All right, that's enough art.
20:41It's time for us to enjoy what artists end up doing
20:44when they've run out of money in the artless hellscape
20:47that we call a society.
20:49We'll see you after these ads.
21:04Hoki Mai, welcome back to Taskmaster,
21:06the show where the losers get haunted by their failures
21:09and the winner gets haunted by Abbie's creepy doll.
21:13Paul, it's time for another task, I believe.
21:16Actually, I feel like it's getting kind of late
21:19and I kind of need to go to bed.
21:32Hello.
21:33Oh, it's just me in here, is it?
21:35Hello.
21:37Ah!
21:38Oh!
21:39It's just the door closing.
21:42Calm down, Hayley.
21:43My Paul.
21:47Scariest bedtime wins.
21:53Your time starts now.
21:57Scare Paul at bedtime.
21:59This is great, cos I'm naturally creepy, I think.
22:02Bedtime routine.
22:03Wash face, brush hair.
22:05De-slip it and then respect the Taskmaster.
22:08OK.
22:13And then lights out.
22:18I wish I could do that again.
22:20Paul's diary, keep out.
22:22I'll be respectful of that because one time
22:24my sister stole my diary
22:26and read it at a sleepover with all her friends.
22:29I don't think about that, ever.
22:31Things I get really scared of.
22:33Failure, sharks.
22:34Getting older and the unknown.
22:38Oh, no, she already touched me.
22:42Do you want to talk about that time
22:44when your sister stole your diary
22:45and then read it at a sleepover with her friends?
22:47Yeah, I don't know why I said that.
22:49Because it's true.
22:52What was in your diary?
22:54I've got the diary here and I'll read it out.
22:57I think it's mainly about how I was in love
22:59with former American Idol contestant Clay Aiken.
23:03I don't know if anyone remembers Clay Aiken.
23:05So was I.
23:06Yeah.
23:07Shall we see who spooks you first, Paul?
23:10Up first, it's Tom Sainsbury.
23:36LAUGHTER
23:43SNORING
23:55Blah!
23:59SNORING
24:04Goodnight.
24:05Thank you, Tom.
24:06Have a good sleep.
24:11Quite scary.
24:12Was that a ghost or a ghoul?
24:14What was that exactly?
24:15That was a ghoul.
24:16It was.
24:17There was also a mannequin in the bed.
24:19But that didn't seem to scare you so much.
24:21In fact, he was excited.
24:22Yeah.
24:24He sort of started suckling on it.
24:25It was odd.
24:28OK, who's next?
24:29Up next, she's incredibly scary.
24:32It's Abbie Howells.
24:39Is that Paul?
24:41Yeah.
24:42I didn't recognise you.
24:44Because you look so old.
24:47Haggard by time.
24:51Well, you're not looking too good yourself.
24:53How dare you, Paul.
24:54You better be quiet, or else I'll feed you to the sharks.
24:59Oh.
25:00Yeah.
25:01Oh.
25:04OK, I'll be back.
25:05Like tonight or like another night?
25:07You don't know.
25:08Because I don't know.
25:09I don't know what my schedule's going to be yet.
25:11OK.
25:12Just at some point.
25:13At some point.
25:14When I've worked out my schedule.
25:23Yeah, the old torch under the chin, classic scary look.
25:26Classic.
25:27I channelled all my energy into the look.
25:29And once I got under the bed, I was like,
25:31I don't know what I'm doing.
25:33I don't know.
25:34She looks so much like Daphne.
25:35You look like Daphne.
25:36You've got the eyelashes, the hair, and the little red lipstick.
25:39I know, yeah, OK.
25:41It's full of spirits.
25:43I'll tell you what,
25:44there's something about a ghost with a busy schedule.
25:47Yeah.
25:48Probably means you're a good ghost.
25:49You're going to do scaring all over town.
25:51Many people have wronged me, and I must make them pay.
25:54OK, show me another one, please, Paul.
25:56This guy is also really scary.
25:59It's Taufinga.
26:10Ah!
26:11Wake up, Paul!
26:12Wake up!
26:14I'm awake.
26:15I'm awake.
26:16OK.
26:17I was scared you were in the cupboard.
26:20Oh, when it fell.
26:22It's nice of you to think that I could fit in the cupboard.
26:25Have a good sleep.
26:31I did not see that coming.
26:33The fear was understandable there.
26:35It was health and safety based.
26:37Did you see how close the wardrobe came?
26:39I came out of the closet in a similar way.
26:41You just tore it down.
26:43Slammed your way out.
26:45Far out.
26:46I was incredibly scared, obviously a big fright,
26:48but also I was scared for his safety.
26:50I thought he was in it, and it had just fallen.
26:56Anyway, let's see another one.
26:58Now it's time for a woman who's so spooky
27:00she's named after the spookiest night of the year.
27:03It's Hayley Ween.
27:11I cast a freezing spell on you.
27:17Is it frozen?!
27:21My...
27:25My...
27:34I actually don't know how you're doing that.
27:36Shut up.
27:37OK.
27:38This bed's not super sturdy.
27:41I would stop moving it if you are under there.
27:44Who says I'm not in the wardrobe?
27:46Why don't you go and look?
27:48You've tied me to the bed.
27:56GROWLING
28:02SCREAMS
28:06Were you scared, Paul?
28:07Yeah, that was genuinely quite scary.
28:13I think when all else fails,
28:15it's always just screaming at the top of your lungs in the dark.
28:18I'd actually sort of done a bit of everything,
28:20and it was all failing.
28:21Like, I'd put this Bluetooth speaker in the wardrobe,
28:24and then I was under the bed, and it had disconnected,
28:26and I was like, dammit.
28:28And I was kind of bamboozled.
28:29She was like, why don't you go look in the wardrobe?
28:32Just a Bluetooth speaker.
28:35Playing nothing.
28:36It wasn't connected to anything.
28:37Yeah.
28:38OK.
28:39But the lassoing was expert.
28:40That was good, eh?
28:41Around there, that was superb.
28:43I was a teenage witch, so I know how to spook people.
28:46That's very high level.
28:48All right, now it's time for the real stuff of nightmares, ads.
28:51We'll be back with more Taskmaster after this.
28:55APPLAUSE
29:07Kia ora anō.
29:08Welcome back to Taskmaster,
29:10where five comedians are giving Paul Williams frights
29:13in the hopes of winning their own human children.
29:16Is that about right, Paul?
29:18Yes.
29:19Our contestants are competing to give me the scariest bedtime.
29:23It's bin time.
29:48Hi, Paul.
29:49I'm you.
29:51Later on in your life,
29:53complete all the things you ever wanted to do with your life
29:56in the next 45 minutes.
29:58Your time starts now.
30:03I just want to go to bed.
30:05Wasting it once again.
30:15Oh, my God.
30:16I can't imagine anything scarier than going to sleep
30:18with a picture of Ben Hurley beside me.
30:20OK, so the scary thing was that he would turn into you?
30:25Hmm.
30:27Was that scary?
30:28No.
30:29I'd be stoked if I grew up to be Ben.
30:31Aww.
30:32Thanks.
30:33Grew up.
30:37How do you want to score it?
30:39I will go Ben one point.
30:41Yeah, that's fair.
30:42It wasn't particularly freaky.
30:44I think two points for Tom,
30:47even though there was a jump scare in there.
30:49I thought Toffinga probably deserved three points
30:52cos there was only the one,
30:54but that was quite freaky with the wardrobe falling over.
30:57Abby was kind of herself and that was quite freaky,
31:00so four.
31:02And five for Hayley.
31:04Yes!
31:07Lovely.
31:09All right, Paul.
31:10What have you got in store for us now?
31:12Nothing.
31:13This is just two strangers in the park.
31:20Oh, God!
31:22Hi.
31:27It's quite a long walk, isn't it?
31:29Hello, Paul.
31:30I don't know you.
31:31I get what this is.
31:33Spy stuff.
31:43This is a bomb.
31:44I'll be very upset.
31:46All right.
31:47This is a bomb.
31:48I'll be very upset.
31:50Oh, no.
31:55All right.
31:56Yeah.
32:02I'm going to get my double chins.
32:11During the studio record,
32:13do you ever tell an anecdote that makes the audience go,
32:16aww?
32:18The anecdote cannot be true.
32:20During the studio record,
32:22be extremely curious about Ben Hurley's
32:26skincare routine at least twice.
32:29During the studio record,
32:31confident...
32:33I was going to say confidentially.
32:35Confidently.
32:36I mispronounce three different English words.
32:40During the studio record,
32:42confidently promote a fictional product.
32:45During the studio record,
32:47give the contestant seated to your left
32:50the nickname Mustard Hands.
32:52You must refer to him by the nickname at least three times.
32:55No one can know it is a task.
32:57Most seamless integration wins.
32:59Even till episode nine.
33:00Your time starts now.
33:02Your time starts now.
33:03Your time starts now.
33:05I can do that.
33:06I can do that on a dime.
33:09Any questions?
33:11What's your name?
33:12Black Cat.
33:13They call me the Serpent.
33:14Oh, well, now mine sounds lame.
33:19Oh, wow.
33:22Well, that explains some but not all
33:24of the very strange behaviour
33:26which has been taking place on the stage
33:28over the past nine shows.
33:30Shall we see who managed to pull off their secret mission?
33:33First off, calling the person to his left Mustard Hands,
33:37here's Ben Hurley.
33:41Can I smell yours?
33:42Good luck, Abi.
33:43Yours smell like mustard.
33:47Now you're going to have Mustard Hands.
33:49Focus, focus.
33:50Excuse me, can you let me focus?
33:52Sorry, very important.
33:53Excuse me, I'm talking to Mustard Hands here.
33:55Yeah.
33:56So Hayley's chosen a sort of black leather loafer
33:59with a buckle.
34:00Classic Mustard Hands, right?
34:02Yours had so many bits of, like, food in it.
34:05Might as well put ketchup in there.
34:07Mustard, old Mustard Hands.
34:10Wow, Ben, that was amazing.
34:15I totally thought that was just some bizarre Hurley.
34:19Same.
34:20I've never heard of that before.
34:22Mustard Hands.
34:23I know.
34:24I feel this whole time I've been lied to by you.
34:26We used to be friends.
34:27He had another task where he had to pretend
34:29to be excited to see me.
34:30It's all a lie.
34:32You must have been quite stoked, though,
34:34because that was part of your mission,
34:36but you were getting good laughs for the Mustard Hands line.
34:39I know.
34:40This audience is a lot tougher.
34:44All right, who's next?
34:45Passionately promoting her fictional product,
34:47here's Abbey Howells.
34:49Oh, my God, her tattoos are so problematic.
34:54She's just best from far away, I think,
34:57even though she's a lovely, beautiful lady
34:59printed with sexy ink.
35:01It's sexy ink, baby, it's the best.
35:04OK, so the fictional company?
35:07Yeah, sexy ink.
35:09I also did another one today.
35:11Ecto-Ray.
35:13Oh.
35:14I used my Ecto-Ray to measure the level of spirit in the doll.
35:19Dude.
35:20And all of you just accepted it as some of the weird stuff
35:24that I would say naturally.
35:28That's good.
35:30OK, what about Tom?
35:31Making the audience go, aww,
35:33about an anecdote that never happened,
35:35it's Tom Sainsbury.
35:37You might not realise it, but I've actually got a very, very big head.
35:41And I...
35:43I haven't been able to find a hat that fits.
35:49And then I found this hat,
35:51and it was the first one that fit my head.
35:54And I left it behind in a taxi coming home
35:57from somewhere in Newmarket
35:59after having one too many mudslides.
36:04Sorry.
36:09They always say with lies, like,
36:10don't put in too many needless details,
36:12and I think I failed on that, you know.
36:14Why did it need to be about mudslides
36:16from somewhere in Newmarket?
36:18But you know what? I think I sold it.
36:20Oh, the amazing part is that I saw tears start to well up,
36:25and I thought, well, this really is a moment for Tom.
36:27Yeah.
36:28That fictional fedora meant a lot to fictional Tom.
36:31OK, what about Te Finga?
36:32Te Finga was unfortunately unable
36:34to comment on Ben's skincare routine.
36:37Luckily, we had some friends help him out.
36:40And can I say, when you're real angry, Ben,
36:42something happens to your skin that just really glows?
36:46Hey, I don't know what moisturiser you're using,
36:48but you look great.
36:49Ben, can I just say, when the light hit your face,
36:52absolute delightful skin,
36:54what's your skincare routine?
36:56It's good, eh?
36:57Yeah, what is your routine?
36:59Water.
37:01Our contestants are making soap
37:03using unique and inventive ingredients, like soap.
37:07Wait, Ben, what's your skincare routine?
37:11Actually, this is a lot of pink fat.
37:17Oh, that was very good.
37:19Bubba going twice in a row there,
37:20almost within about five minutes.
37:22That was gutsy.
37:23Yeah, then she said she was going to become a stripper,
37:25and I thought, oh, people are hitting on me again.
37:29OK, what about Hayley?
37:30Finally, confidently mispronouncing three words,
37:33here's Hayley Sproul.
37:35Stay tuned for tickets for our performance
37:38of Little Shop of Horrors.
37:39I absolutely can't wait for that.
37:41You've never been through childbirth, have you?
37:45I've never been through childbirth, no.
37:48No, I haven't.
37:49No, I mean, I have.
37:50So if we, this is Settlers of Caton,
37:53and if you look up close, that's me.
37:58Wow.
38:00Also, Hayley, a lot of nerds watch this show.
38:03It's Settlers of Caton.
38:10I don't come across as the most likeable in those clothes.
38:15Real nitpicker.
38:17You're going to really love watching this show, Ben.
38:19You literally caught me two out of my three times.
38:21Absolutely pedant.
38:22How insufferable.
38:24I'm actually in mispronouncing.
38:26Jeez.
38:29I was so nervous about doing that one today
38:32because it's so embarrassing to call Settlers of Caton
38:35Settlers of Caton.
38:38So am I going to have to judge everybody?
38:40This is impossible.
38:41So everybody did their task?
38:42Essentially, yeah.
38:46Five points, everyone.
38:52Very good.
38:54Yeah, that's right.
38:55Slap those mustard hands together.
38:58Now it's time for a secret mission for you at home.
39:00Watch all these ads
39:02and let them influence your consumer choices in the future.
39:05We'll be back after this.
39:08No mai, hoki mai.
39:10Welcome back to Taskmaster.
39:12We're about to embark on a live task
39:14and award one New Zealand comedian
39:16one of the worst prize packs ever offered on television.
39:20Excuse me.
39:21But first, can we get a lay of the land score-wise, please, Paul?
39:26Yes, Jeremy.
39:27Yes, Jeremy.
39:28Can we get a lay of the land score-wise, please, Paul?
39:31Yes, Jeremy.
39:32Can we get a lay of the land score-wise, please, Paul?
39:36Yes, Jeremy.
39:37You've actually just really insulted Ben Hurley's kids.
39:41And my doll.
39:45And my little sausage.
39:51OK, it's unbelievably tight.
39:53We've got three people on 18,
39:55but in first with 20 points, it's Hayley Sproul.
39:59All right, time to go right to meat.
40:01Would everyone please get up to the stage for the live task?
40:07So, how's this going to work, Paul?
40:10Ben Hurley, can you please read this task?
40:13Oh, sure.
40:14Do you want me to hold it?
40:16Yeah, that'd be great.
40:18OK.
40:19For two minutes, simultaneously eat spaghetti,
40:22keep your balloon off the ground
40:24and participate in Paul's pub quiz
40:27all while being naturally photogenic.
40:31Your camera can go off at any point during the two minutes
40:35the most photogenic photo wins.
40:37Oh, my God.
40:38Most correct quiz answers receives two bonus points.
40:42Most spaghetti eaten gets a bonus point.
40:45If your balloon hits the ground, you lose a point.
40:48Your time starts on Paul's whistle.
40:50What on earth?
40:52Here's my worst fear.
40:54It catches me throwing up.
40:57Are you allergic to spaghetti?
40:59No, I'm allergic to your bullshit.
41:03Oh!
41:06On my whistle.
41:16What is the name of the river that flows through Rome?
41:20Tiber.
41:21Correct, Ben.
41:22How many times have Italy won the FIFA World Cup?
41:25Four times.
41:26Correct, Chris Parker.
41:27Oh, my God.
41:28Balloon has hit the ground.
41:30What is the primary ingredient in risotto?
41:34Rice.
41:35Aborio rice.
41:36Aborio rice.
41:37I'm giving it to Hayley.
41:39Hayley, correct.
41:40What animal native to China shares a name with an Italian car?
41:45Who said panda first?
41:46Me, Sainsbury.
41:47Tom Sainsbury.
41:49How many owls are in the word coliseum?
41:52Three.
41:53Four.
41:54One.
41:55Is someone saying four?
41:56Two.
41:57One.
41:58Correct, Tom.
42:00What is the Italian word for spaghetti?
42:02Spaghetti.
42:03Tom Sainsbury, correct.
42:05What country does James Bond have a boat chasing in Russia with love?
42:10Russia.
42:11Copenhagen.
42:12Wellington.
42:13Well, Italy.
42:14Italy, correct, Tom Sainsbury.
42:17What are the three ingredients in a margarita pizza?
42:20Tomato.
42:21Tomato.
42:22Tomato.
42:23Cheese.
42:28Could you hear who got that last question right?
42:30Yeah, I think it was Hayley.
42:34Okay.
42:35Come on down and we'll see how these photos turned out.
42:43Thanks for shouting dinner, Jeremy.
42:45Pleasure.
42:46Warm enough for you?
42:47Just how I like it.
42:48Ten degrees.
42:50Yes, so Chris did like it.
42:52He ate the most spaghetti.
42:56No.
42:57Well done.
42:58Don't clap that.
42:59That is so embarrassing.
43:01So that's plus one for Chris.
43:03However, his balloon was the only balloon to touch the ground.
43:06So that's minus one for Chris.
43:08That's okay.
43:09And Tom gets plus two for the most trivia questions answered.
43:12Correctly.
43:14Well done, Tom.
43:15Well done.
43:16Should we look at the photos?
43:17Oh, I can't wait to see these photos.
43:20Who are we going to start with?
43:21Here's Tom.
43:22Okay.
43:23Oh, okay.
43:25Oh, I like that.
43:26I can see what you're eating.
43:29Okay, should we see Chris?
43:31No.
43:34I look really good.
43:36Look at my bone structure.
43:38Where are you?
43:39It was a moment where he was sort of coming towards the front of the stage to get his balloon.
43:44Or heat that pasta up for another serving of that.
43:47I'm expecting a lot from Hayley.
43:50She was working the lens.
43:51Yes.
43:52Hayley.
43:54Whoa.
43:57You said it's Chris's picture.
43:59Well, there I am.
44:02Can I honestly say, that is the worst photo of me to ever have had.
44:07Chris is not being judged on that.
44:08He's being judged on his line.
44:10Well, I am.
44:12I also was about to say, that's an unflattering angle of my jawline,
44:15but if you just sort of look to the right, it's actually okay.
44:18I got you, mate. I got you.
44:20It's giving waist, it's giving boobs, it's great.
44:23There's a little bit of spaghetti sort of dripping through your cleavage there, which is beautiful.
44:28Sexy.
44:29Okay, Ben Hurley.
44:30Here's Ben Hurley.
44:33Wow.
44:36I'm trying to staunch the camera out.
44:39That's actually one of the best photos I've ever seen of you, Ben, to be honest.
44:42Alright, let's see Abby last of all.
44:44Here's Abby.
44:45Abby.
44:48Goodness sake.
44:49Stop it.
44:52Wow.
44:53Abby, come on.
44:55No, that's how the divas do it.
44:58Amazing.
44:59So, how do you want to score it?
45:00Okay, well, Chris is obviously one, because he's not in there.
45:04Sorry, Chris.
45:05That's fine.
45:06Hayley, two.
45:07Tom, three.
45:09Ben, four.
45:10And, of course, Abby, five.
45:11How about that?
45:15Should we do a series score update?
45:18I'd love a series score update.
45:20With a two-point lead, currently leading season five, it's Hayley Sproul.
45:26Two points.
45:27Two points.
45:28I'll take it.
45:30Alright.
45:31Let's focus on the now, Paul.
45:33Who was our episode nine winner?
45:35It was a nail-biter, but with 23 points, the winner of episode nine is Abby Howell.
45:41Congratulations, Abby.
45:42You are now the proud owner of a bunch of stuff that reminds other comedians of themselves.
45:47Please head up to the stage and enjoy your bounty.
45:52Ngā mihi o te pō.
45:53Goodnight.
46:12Welcome to the grand finale of season five of Taskmaster.
46:19This is the episode that matters.
46:22Where our winner is crowned.
46:25And where history is written.