Malcolm In The Middle Season 5 Episode 22 Reese Joins The Army Pt 2
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00:00I'm not gonna lie to put someone in jail who might be innocent.
00:04Can't he at least put some pants on?
00:06Just as soon as we get a good perp walk out of him.
00:10Your court order says you have to stay within a 50-foot radius.
00:14My drill sergeant's breath is not my concern!
00:16But I know you're innocent, and I can prove it.
00:19Just make sure you stay within 30 feet of this backpack.
00:22I want you to explain to these recruits how the worst soldier in the unit has managed to put them all to shame.
00:28I just stopped thinking.
00:30I'm the world's happiest tool.
00:32Mom, you've been in there for three hours!
00:34In a minute, I'm in the shower!
00:37I think we got a bomb here!
00:39Sir, I need you to step away to a distance of at least 150 feet.
00:43I can't do that! I'm... I'm...
00:48I'm in the bomb squad.
00:50Yes, no, maybe...
00:58I don't know...
01:01Can you repeat the question?
01:05You're not the boss of me now.
01:08You're not the boss of me now.
01:13And you're not so big.
01:16You're not the boss of me now.
01:19You're not the boss of me now
01:21You're not the boss of me now
01:24And you're not so big
01:27Life is unfair
01:31You're not alone
01:40We've called every available police officer
01:44In the Tri-County area
01:46Are you sure you don't need any equipment?
01:50We've got some needle-lose bliders
01:52No, stay away!
01:55Everyone has to stay away!
01:57This thing is picking up a lot of vibrations right now
02:00I said get back
02:03You have a death wish, officer?
02:05I'm Lieutenant Sortino with the bomb squad
02:07I'm here to help
02:08What's your name?
02:10No time for introductions
02:11We've got a level 5 explosive
02:13With a gravity timer and a percussion fuse
02:16What bomb squad did you say you were with?
02:21Millbrook
02:21I'm off duty
02:23Came by to return a library book
02:25You've got a better selection here
02:26And they charge 50 cents a day back home
02:29Now I know the fines help pay for the plays
02:32But that's really a very small part of the budget
02:35Now if we are finished playing 20 questions
02:38I've got lives to save
02:41Since you guys seem more up to date in Millbrook
02:47I'm just going to go call your supervisor
02:49See if he can send some backup
02:51Woohoo!
02:53Sure!
02:54If you can find him!
02:55Okay!
02:56I'm going to try to detach
03:05The coaxial
03:08Oh no!
03:12I got the wrong wire!
03:14It's going to blow!
03:17Tell my wife I love her!
03:215
03:214
03:223
03:242
03:251
03:27See?
03:32You don't need gross your money if you're creative
03:46I wish I had better news for you, Al
03:49But the prosecution has 30 eyewitnesses
03:51That can all avoid going to prison themselves
03:54By fingering you
03:56How about my mystery guy?
03:58He's only got 6 months to live
04:00He doesn't want to die with a guilty conscience
04:02He's going to completely exonerate me
04:05And he's not imaginary
04:06This is pretty much how things have been going around here lately
04:10Dad's trial starts tomorrow
04:12We still have no idea where Reese is
04:15And Mom kind of had a breakdown
04:17It's okay
04:18She's slowly working her way back
04:21I think her new hobby's helping her
04:23This one's name is Sam Gundelbump's
04:29He grew up on a farm
04:32Where he was friends with a turkey and a duck
04:35He can't see very well
04:37So he's always getting lost
04:39It'll be okay, Lois
04:40We're going to find Reese
04:42Look, he picked flowers
04:45He's going to courting
04:47Right face
04:51Left face
04:53About face
04:54Right arm windmill
04:56Pop up on your left foot
04:59Teapot
05:00About face
05:03Forward march
05:06He'll do that all day
05:13He's got no more thought than a bug
05:15It's almost enough to restore my faith in the future of this army
05:19I guess those subliminal ads are working after all
05:22The army doesn't use subliminal ads
05:24At ease
05:31Now in a few days
05:34We have some very important field training exercises
05:37And I want you to be my number two
05:41Because you will obey my every command
05:43Like some kind of beautiful brainless zombie robot
05:46I'd be honored, Joe Sergeant
05:48Now let's go make some bets
05:50And march you into the electric fence
05:52I saw the defendant
05:57Hack through the proxy server's firewall
05:59And delete the SBE files
06:02Without leaving any tracks
06:03I didn't totally understand it
06:06But he said the dummy corporation
06:08Could be used to launder
06:09All the money we siphoned off
06:11You can threaten my children
06:14All you want
06:15I don't care
06:16I have to tell the truth
06:18For God's sakes, do something
06:30Just be patient
06:32There's such a thing as too much evidence
06:35Eventually they'll get bored
06:37The prosecution calls Gordon Walker
06:41That's him
06:46That's my guy
06:47I was worried about what I would say
06:54When I got up here
06:56But deep down I knew
06:57I would have to tell the truth
06:59There's a conspiracy going on here
07:02And it's all been orchestrated
07:05By that man
07:06Is he pointing at someone directly behind me?
07:13And after he shredded the last of the documents
07:19He delivered the punchline
07:21To yet another racist joke
07:23No further questions
07:25Turns out I'm gonna live
07:31They had the wrong X-ray
07:33Boy, when you've had a scare like mine
07:36And you realize what's really important
07:38Staying out of jail
07:40Good luck
07:41With this many people lying
07:45We've got to be able to find something to trip one of them up
08:02Let's not get our hopes up
08:04Mom, I know you've had a rough time
08:09And that your little projects are very therapeutic for you
08:12Dad is in very big trouble
08:14You have to start helping
08:17Honey, I know this is a crisis
08:18And believe me
08:20I'm doing everything I can
08:21I spent extra money on quick-drying glue
08:25So no matter how you shake it
08:27The sequins won't fall off
08:29After what happened at Compulsories
08:31Rebecca's really gotta nail her long program
08:34Those flower bombs just don't do it for me
08:46Bless the old days
08:48When we got these live ordinances
08:49That'll look like the movies
08:51Tell your men advance
08:54Northwest, 20 meters
08:55Advance, northwest, 20 meters
08:58North, northeast, 5 meters
09:00North, northeast, 5 meters
09:03Crap, I'm hit
09:08I'm not gonna die over here in the shade
09:11Get to the rendezvous point
09:13Bravo, lay down cover fire
09:14Alpha, flank right
09:16Get to the rendezvous point
09:17Bravo, lay down cover fire
09:19Alpha, flank right
09:20You are really showing leadership, soldier
09:24I'm really showing leadership
09:26I'm allergic to wheat product
09:32This is gonna be awesome
09:36You gotta watch
09:37He smells up like a balloon
09:38Hey
09:39We got a vehicle from blue team approaching
09:43Squad leader
09:44Intercept that vehicle
09:45Yes, sergeant
09:46Oh no
09:47Oh my god, are you okay?
09:57Oh my god, are you okay?
09:57Oh my god, are you okay?
09:59Oh my god, I love that boy
10:05More blue team vehicles approaching
10:08Should we run?
10:08Sergeant?
10:12Sergeant?
10:13Forget the sergeant, just say we can run
10:16Sergeant?
10:18Sergeant?
10:19Idiot!
10:20Move!
10:21Prince, come on!
10:23Can we go?
10:24Sergeant?
10:26Sergeant?
10:27Sergeant?
10:31Sergeant?
10:32Sergeant?
10:33Sergeant?
10:39Sergeant?
10:40Ladies and gentlemen, you have heard a staggering amount of evidence against the defendant
10:52Let me clarify what we now know
10:55Three members of the board of directors testified that the defendant submitted altered financial statements
11:01on August 9th
11:04The senior VP of finance heard the defendant plot to hide company assets offshore on December 6th
11:12The chief operations officer saw him shredding documents in a stairwell on February 21st
11:18And on June 27th, the director of IT services testified that the defendant showed him pictures of his new yacht
11:27Which he named above the law
11:30Above the law
11:32And
11:33On July 11th, you heard the senior analyst break down in tears
11:39As he revealed the defendant's scheme to build the company out of millions of dollars
11:44What are you doing?
11:45Shh!
11:46I'm awake
11:48I'm trying to get you grounds for an appeal
11:51Into an offshore event
11:53Mom?
12:00Are you coming out for dinner?
12:02I'm just taking Penelope's temperature
12:05I think she caught Ambrosia's cold
12:08Is Penelope the foreign correspondent or the candy striper?
12:13No, she's just a homemaker
12:16But a big candy company's interested in her taffy recipe
12:20Can I have the potatoes?
12:22You can have anything you want, son, if you're willing to work for it
12:28Just reach for the stars and never let go
12:32I should have told you that a long time ago
12:35And when you write an angry letter, hold on to it for a day
12:40You might not feel the same in the morning
12:42And never invest in a friend's restaurant
12:46Never
12:47You know what?
12:49I'm not hungry
12:50Come on, Dewey
12:51Let's go teach you how to shave
12:52Great!
12:56When you tip a valet, always fold your dollar up real tight
13:01That way, by the time he sees what he's got, you're down the block
13:05Dad?
13:09I made coffee, you want some?
13:12Oh, I...
13:13I was just singing
13:15Always have a song in your heart, son
13:18Thanks
13:22You know, the worst thing is, I have always hated that job
13:28I wanted to quit ten years ago when they started deducting for sick days
13:34I wanted to quit a year ago when they started making us vacuum out our own cubicles
13:39Oh, if I'd have done that, they'd have found another patsy and I wouldn't have been in this mess
13:45They should have just fired me
13:48I was a terrible employee
13:50I never read a memo
13:52I came in late, I blew off Fridays
13:55What the hell is wrong with those people?
13:58Just promise me that you'll learn from my mistakes
14:05Don't ever settle, Malcolm
14:08I won't
14:10I'm gonna go make love to your mother one last time
14:17I probably wasn't gonna sleep tonight anyway
14:22Malcolm, we have to talk
14:26We've been avoiding this, but it's time to face the facts
14:31We need you to forge Dad's signature on this document declaring Mom mentally incompetent
14:37That way when Dad goes to jail, you can get emancipated and I'll take custody of Dewey and Jamie
14:43It's funny
14:45I always figured Mom for jail and Dad for the loony bin
14:49Life, huh?
14:50I can't fake Dad's signature
14:53I do Mom, Rhys does Dad
14:55What?
14:56You should each be able to do both
14:59What did I tell you about building a little redundancy into the system?
15:03Wait a second
15:05Oh my God
15:07What is it?
15:08I need to talk to Dad right now
15:14Maybe I'll wait 20 minutes
15:18What were your orders, Private?
15:20I don't know, ask the sergeant
15:22Tell us your call signs and frequencies
15:24I don't know, ask the sergeant
15:26We don't have to do this the hard way
15:29Let's all take a break and relax a little
15:33You want a glass of water?
15:36I don't know, ask the sergeant
15:39Stop saying that!
15:40This might not be a real war, but I got an extra day's leave writing on this
15:45And a girlfriend who was in model school
15:47Model school?
15:49That's the rule
15:50Now you will talk
15:51Or I will make your life a living hell
15:53You don't think I want to?
15:55This sucks
15:56I've been a good soldier
15:57I shut off my brain like the army wanted
15:59Everyone said I was doing great, but I'm not
16:02I have to help my squad
16:04The guys are depending on me, but I can't
16:06You know what?
16:07I don't care what the army says
16:08I'm sick of this
16:09I'm turning my brain back on
16:11Did it happen?
16:18Did what happen?
16:21Wait
16:22I think it's
16:24No, it's not
16:27Yes, it is
16:30Is it?
16:32Damn, I wish there was more of a difference
16:34Look, you can act as crazy as you'd like
16:36Cause I got nothing but time
16:38And no one's coming to rescue you
16:40Not your sergeant
16:41Not your squad
16:42And your mom's not gonna come and wipe your nose
16:45And change your diaper
16:50Mom?
16:53Mom, of course
17:00The freak held his breath until he turned blue
17:02And then passed out
17:03Yeah
17:04Whoo
17:05Haven't done that in a while
17:10You okay?
17:11I'm fine
17:12I know how to get us out of here
17:13That's impossible
17:14Look around
17:15We're in prison, man
17:16Wrong
17:17We are not in prison
17:18We're grounded
17:19And there's always a way to get out of being grounded
17:21You can pry up some floorboards
17:23Set your bed on fire
17:24There's only two things you have to remember
17:25You need a diversion
17:26And the little guy gets screwed
17:28But that's okay
17:29He's too little to do anything about it
17:30You're gonna have to eat some dirt
17:31About three pounds of it
17:32What good's the diversion gonna do?
17:33We're tied up
17:34I guess your brother's never tied you up in the prison
17:35And left you in a dumpster on trash day
17:53Okay, start eating
17:54It's not fatal
17:56It only looks like it
17:57We need more shovels
17:58And just get every bucket to eat
17:59We need more shovels
18:00And just get every bucket to eat
18:02We need more shovels, and just get every bucket you can find.
18:13You might want to huck up your pants.
18:15He's got another half hour of this.
18:22Good news, sir.
18:23Looks like red team's about to fold.
18:26Two squads have been captured.
18:27The others are pinned down here, here, and here.
18:32Okay, now we just gotta sneak the keys out of his purse.
18:46Test, test.
18:49Test, test.
18:54The microphone works.
18:55The chair is perfect, and your hair looks fine, sir. Can we proceed?
18:59Now then, Hal, we've heard a lot of testimony from people about what you've done at this company.
19:06Why don't you tell us in your own words what kind of an employee you were?
19:11Marginal.
19:18At best.
19:18Would you care to elaborate?
19:21When you work for a big, impersonal corporation like this, you know those nature shows where a wasp paralyzes a caterpillar, then injects it full of larvae?
19:35It stays alive for weeks, completely aware, feeling every little bite as the larvae devour it from the inside.
19:44I sat in the cubicle every day, envying that caterpillar, because at least he got to be on TV.
19:52I hated that job.
19:55I was a crappy employee.
19:59And yet countless eyewitnesses paint you as a man at the center of an ingenious conspiracy.
20:05Time and time again, you were placed at a crucial event.
20:14Do you have any way of refuting these claims?
20:17Well, I didn't.
20:19Who can remember what they were doing on January 25th, 2002, or March 14th, 2003?
20:26But my son figured something out.
20:29Stand up, Malcolm.
20:32I know he looks normal, but my son is a freaky genius with numbers.
20:37I'm telling you, his head should be the size of a medicine ball.
20:41You give him any day of any year, and he could tell you what day of the week it is.
20:44And what does that have to do with anything?
20:47Well, he figured out that every date on the board is a Friday.
20:54Every one.
20:54You could check the calendar.
20:56I'm sorry.
20:57I don't understand why that would be so important.
21:04I haven't shown up for work on a Friday in 15 years.
21:11He didn't show up on Fridays for 15 years!
21:17That isn't going to be on the record, is it?
21:19Do you have any evidence to back up this wild assertion?
21:23Well, yeah.
21:25Once I knew what to look for, I realized I had almost everything I need right here in my memory box.
21:32The prosecution maintains that you handed the board of directors a set of cookbooks on August 9th.
21:39Yes, that's when I went to Bavaria Land.
21:49And when you were supposed to be hiding money offshore on December 6th?
21:53I went to the Nutcracker.
21:56Pretty good for a community college production.
21:59February 21st.
22:01My driver's license from Grand Prix go-karts.
22:04June 27th.
22:07June 27th.
22:08Pilgrim Village.
22:11July 11th.
22:12Pilgrim Village.
22:13There was a ghost in my car.
22:17Right in my car.
22:20And finally, August 22th.
22:24Well, I was chosen to be a junior trainer at Oceanland.
22:32He did all the work, I just stood there.
22:34Sorry about my little outburst there at the end.
22:45But they really should say innocent instead of not guilty.
22:47It's confusing.
22:52Lois, we won the case.
22:56Now we can get our lives back to the way they were.
22:58You didn't work on Fridays?
23:05After all the sacrifices I made for this family,
23:09for 15 years I worked double shifts, drove carpool, cleaned the house,
23:15while you were feeding Shammo!
23:19Actually, it's Kiko too.
23:21He's smaller, but you get just a sweat in the front row.
23:23It's a really good show.
23:24We should see it sometime.
23:29All right, let's get this over with.
23:31Red Team surrenders.
23:32Come on, Hendrix.
23:33You can put a little feeling into it.
23:35Yes, sir.
23:37That leaves us with the matter of the wager.
23:39I believe I can expect to see you bright and early tomorrow morning,
23:43marching on the parade grounds, wearing patent leather pumps and a bustier.
23:49Now, I've always favored red, but far be it for me to tell a lady how to dress.
23:58I'll be in the middle of the wager.
24:07Captain, I suggest you surrender.
24:10If not, I have enough flour packed in this barrel to bake 500 cakes.
24:16All right, don't fire.
24:18We hereby surrender.
24:20Eh, what the hell.
24:35Things are finally back to normal.
24:38Well, except for the fact that Reese is still missing.
24:41Mom and Dad both don't have jobs, and we're $20,000 in debt.
24:46It's a letter from Reese.
24:49Oh my God, he's joined the army.
24:52Dear family, I'm fine.
24:55I waited till I was a success to write to you.
24:57I finished basic training at the top of my class.
25:01My drill sergeant told me I've earned some sort of reward.
25:06All right, gentlemen, we've entered Afghani airspace.
25:10We expect both hostile and friendly fire.
25:13The better you remember your training, the longer you will survive.
25:17On your feet.
25:19How soon did we land?
25:20Well, that's up to you.
25:24Remember, pull the green cord before the light green cord.
25:31Oh whatever, you did.
25:44Ah, he's done.
25:50Watch out there.