Malcolm In The Middle Season 6 Episode 1 Reese Comes Home
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00:00Stole his brother's girlfriend, which made him run away from home and join the army.
00:08We don't even know where he is.
00:10We've entered Afghani airspace!
00:13Remember, pull the green cord before the light green cord!
00:17We're just worried sick about him.
00:21It's just that you feel so helpless, you know?
00:25Look, I don't set the prices, mister.
00:28They're four bucks a box, take it or leave it.
00:31Oh, alright.
00:33Just the thin mints.
00:58You're not the boss of me now.
01:01You're not the boss of me now.
01:04You're not the boss of me now.
01:06And you're not so big.
01:09Life is unfair.
01:13It doesn't have to be tuna surprise.
01:18It could be chicken surprise or beef.
01:20But there will be a surprise involved.
01:23You know, we can't wait for Mom to make dinner.
01:26I'm sorry.
01:28She went to talk with some army administrator about Reese.
01:31She'll be gone for hours.
01:32Get your hands off me!
01:34Your authority stops at my property line!
01:41What did she do?
01:46She completely destroyed an office.
01:49Made explicit threats against the United States Army.
01:52Attacked my groinage region.
01:54And captured the same.
01:55Listen, maybe there's a way we can make this whole thing go away.
02:02Sir, if she comes within 500 feet of my perimeter,
02:06I've been given the authority to engage.
02:10Mom, what happened?
02:11I'll tell you what happened.
02:14I told them how my underage son ran away
02:17and joined the army under false pretenses
02:20and was sent off to combat.
02:21And you know what they said?
02:22They said if you can find out what name he used,
02:26they can have him back to us in six months.
02:29Six months!
02:31They'll have him back to us in six months!
02:35Honey, I don't know if she's upset he's going to get killed
02:38or mad someone else is going to do it.
02:40Try to relax.
02:42Honey, you know, you're going to lose a nail inside your palm again.
02:45Just calm down and let the army nail him.
02:47I don't trust the army,
02:48which means this family has to find him.
02:50And I don't trust this family,
02:52which means I have to find him.
02:57Two purple hearts and a bronze star?
02:59And he blubbered like a baby.
03:02The army.
03:03What do you expect of people who would give Reese a gun?
03:06Oh, that's right.
03:07It's the army's fault if your brother gets killed.
03:10Now, Lois, we can't blame Malcolm for stealing Reese's girl
03:14and causing this whole mess in the first place.
03:16Huh?
03:17Kids his age are nothing but raging hormones
03:19and hideous self-involvement.
03:22They are all amoral little creeps.
03:24Don't defend him, Hal!
03:26Just help me make dinner!
03:28Great, angry meatloaf.
03:36Thanks a lot.
03:40You don't have to worry about Reese.
03:43All he has to do is lay low and not do anything stupid.
03:48Oh, God.
03:49I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine.
03:56I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine.
03:59I'm a robot.
04:01Robots are cool.
04:04Green Lantern fought a robot.
04:06I love Green Lantern.
04:09I love pie.
04:12Pie.
04:14Pie.
04:16Pie.
04:17I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine.
04:47I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine.
04:49Pie.
05:08What is that?
05:11What is that?
05:16I made a list of every bad thing Reese ever did to me.
05:20A list?
05:21I'm sick of having to defend myself.
05:23No matter what I did to Reese, he's done way worse stuff to me.
05:26And it's all here on this list.
05:31So we're admitting we have lists.
05:39Mine starts January 95.
05:40When does yours start?
05:43Uh, October 3rd, 1996.
05:47My first knuckle pizza.
05:50July 10th, 1997.
05:52My first atomic swirling.
05:54The big bruise of 99.
05:56Backyard dentist.
05:58Lighter fluid donut.
06:00That's worse than stealing a girlfriend, right?
06:02I don't know.
06:04Were you in love for the first time with that donut?
06:06Shut up, Dewey.
06:08I had every right.
06:09In fact, I owe him.
06:11So you're saying if he dies, then you'll be even.
06:14I didn't say he was gonna die.
06:15Malcolm, he almost killed himself with Bisquick once.
06:19I'm just saying he deserves whatever he gets.
06:25No, he doesn't.
06:28That's the thing Reese would say.
06:30I'm not Reese.
06:32Just because he's horrible doesn't mean I have to be.
06:34I'm better than that.
06:36Wow.
06:37For a brother killer, you sure are conceited.
06:44Oh, excuse me.
06:45Hi.
06:46Uh, Sergeant Rick.
06:47I'm wondering if you can help me.
06:49My son is underaged, and I think you may have recruited him.
06:54Take a look.
06:55Oh, yeah.
06:56Private Jetson.
06:58Oh.
06:58Yeah.
06:59Yeah, let's see.
07:01He was sent to Fort Roberts.
07:03I'll get you the address.
07:05Oh, I really appreciate this.
07:07I just don't understand.
07:08What would make him go and do a crazy thing like this?
07:11Well, the truth is, is today's army's a pretty attractive package.
07:15Competitive salaries, health benefits, college tuition.
07:20Lois, I didn't sign anything.
07:22Just hear me out.
07:23It's only two weekends a month.
07:25Plus, we might qualify for a housing allowance.
07:29Okay, there's a slight possibility of active duty,
07:31but Sergeant Rick expects global events to stabilize in the next three months.
07:35Excuse me.
07:52What do you want?
07:54I'm Malcolm.
07:55I'm here Monday, Wednesday, Friday, 3 to 7.
07:58No one volunteers here.
08:00They're all signing up for the glamour jobs at the burn unit.
08:03I just want to do something to help veterans.
08:07Really?
08:08You think you can handle helping around here?
08:11How about trying to give Mr. Skurrus a sponge bath?
08:19Sure.
08:21Or maybe you'd prefer to clip Mr. Dittmar's toenails.
08:27Okay.
08:29Or how about going room to room, emptying bedpans and staunching bedsores?
08:33You know, I think I could save us both a little time here.
08:38This is how I see it playing out.
08:40You're going to keep thinking of worse and worse jobs for me to do.
08:42And you know what?
08:43I'm going to do them.
08:45All of them.
08:46No matter what.
08:47Why?
08:47It doesn't matter.
08:48I have my reasons.
08:50So go ahead.
08:51Knock yourself out.
08:53Well, it kind of takes some of the fun out of it.
08:56But okay.
08:56Okay.
08:56You can start the afternoon enemas with Mr. Klegman.
09:02It'll be my pleasure.
09:26Well, ma'am, how can I help you?
09:50It's about my son, Rhys.
09:52Um, I think you know him as Private Jetson.
09:59Private Jetson?
10:02Ma'am, let me shake your hand.
10:04This boy is the finest soldier that this old dogface ever had the privilege of commanding.
10:10I wish I had a hundred more just like him.
10:12He's a fine boy.
10:14Yes, well, we think so too.
10:17I'd be proud to help you in any way that I can.
10:20Yeah, you just name it.
10:21The problem is he joined under false pretenses.
10:24He ran away.
10:25He's not even 18 years old yet.
10:27We need to know where he is so we can find him and bring him back home.
10:32I'm sorry, ma'am.
10:34I can't help you.
10:35That's classified.
10:36If your son were on a secret mission, which I'm not saying he is, nor that one exists, it would compromise admission, if indeed there were one.
10:47You know, Sergeant, you and I aren't so different.
10:57I mean, if you think about it, we both have the same job.
11:01Taking a bunch of mindless, irresponsible teenagers and turning them into something vaguely useful to the world.
11:08It is a challenge, ma'am.
11:12Last week, one of my boys was trying to iron his shirt while he was still in it.
11:17One of mine interrupted a war game because his rifle was kind of digging into his shoulder.
11:25Did you make everyone suffer for what the one kid did?
11:28Of course, but it never lasts, does it?
11:31It is stunning how much punishment they require.
11:35Tell me about it.
11:36I'm amazed I got anything else done.
11:41Did you ever try the opposite?
11:43What do you mean?
11:44Give one of them special privileges for no reason.
11:49How does that work?
11:50It's really pretty neat.
11:52The others don't know why he got special privileges, so they started doing everything right just to catch up.
11:58And then the one you singled out starts getting suspicious and paranoid, and he starts informing on the stragglers.
12:04That sounds pretty good.
12:06You mind if I steal that one?
12:08Yeah, be my guest.
12:09You know another good one?
12:11Let them pick punishments for each other.
12:13It exercises their creativity, and it keeps them from ganging up on you.
12:18Nice.
12:18You can also take their breakfast, lunch, and dinner, put it in the blender and grind it up into a great paste.
12:24Eventually, they eat it.
12:25That's kind of fun.
12:28You are an artist.
12:30No, I'm just a talented amateur.
12:36I wish I could help you.
12:38I wish I could just open this drawer up and show you the information you need.
12:47But I can't.
12:50It's got me so frustrated that I just want to stare intently out this window for, oh, say, 120 seconds.
12:59What is wrong with these guys?
13:24They're just like zombies.
13:25It's the medication that makes them that way.
13:28Except for Kowalski.
13:29I mean, he came to us like that.
13:31Look, I don't think you should be giving them so much.
13:33I was reading to Donaldson for half an hour, then a bee crawled out of his nose.
13:37Believe me, it's better for everyone to keep these men as calm as possible.
13:50Hey, Ed, you want to play?
13:51Here we go.
13:56You know what, Ed?
13:58You can do this.
14:00I believe in you.
14:01All right?
14:02I'm here to help you however long it takes.
14:06Maybe you feel ignored here.
14:09Maybe you feel like you don't exist.
14:11I know you exist, Ed.
14:14Let me help you.
14:24Where have you been?
14:26You've been gone all day.
14:28You haven't caught.
14:28I've been worried sick about you.
14:32I have to eat, Lois.
14:33I'm a human being.
14:35I'm sorry I'm so late.
14:36I had to take the bus home.
14:38I sold the car.
14:40I bought a plane ticket to Kabul.
14:42There's $400 left.
14:44I'd give it to you to pay down the visa bill, but I need it for bribes.
14:47What?
14:48I'm going to go get him.
14:50What are you talking about?
14:52You can't just go get him.
14:53Yes, I can.
14:55Tonight, I'm going to buy enough frozen dinners to last you and the boys for three weeks.
14:59Then tomorrow, I'm flying to Kabul.
15:01If I don't get anywhere with the army, I'll hire an interpreter and get the locals to help me.
15:06If I have to, I'll make friends with the warlord.
15:08Those guys are pretty organized.
15:10I'll find him, Hal.
15:12And when does the little bird pop out of your head and start singing?
15:15This is what's happening, Hal.
15:17Lois, you can't do this.
15:24At some point, you have to check your ego and leave it to the professionals.
15:29I can't.
15:30Lois, you have this reckless, crazy belief in yourself that lets you do amazing things.
15:37It's something this family has always depended on.
15:40I would be lost without it, but sometimes that reckless, crazy belief is just, just reckless and crazy.
15:48You see, you've got to accept that some people can do things that you can't.
15:53Heart surgeons, rocket scientists, that lady at the mall who carves your name into a grain of rice.
15:59How does she do that?
16:01No one knows.
16:03Honey, honey, look.
16:07I am giving you permission not to be omnipotent.
16:11I know it's going to be hard, but everything will be okay.
16:14Hey, I know it will.
16:26Cersei or Diet Cersei?
16:28I can't do it.
16:47I can't go home.
16:52Is this any way to start your morning?
16:54Mr. Waffles?
17:07Reese, you can't give up.
17:09You've got to keep going.
17:11You've got to keep trying.
17:14You don't know what I've been through.
17:17I've been shot at, chased, married.
17:20And when the guy found out I was a dude, it wasn't like a total deal breaker.
17:28Don, I know it's hard, but everything worth doing is hard.
17:33When third quarter profits were down, did Mr. Waffles give up?
17:37No, he did not.
17:39He put more lip-smacking delight in every bite.
17:43I don't think I can move.
17:44You have to move, Reese.
17:47You have to get home to your family and friends and your country.
17:51These people have no idea what breakfast is.
17:55They take rice from the night before and cook it up into a thin paste.
18:00Is that your idea of breakfast?
18:03No.
18:04Do you ever want to taste my buttery goodness again?
18:09You know I do.
18:11Reese, listen to me.
18:13I now have 20% more blueberries in every box.
18:18My legs.
18:19They plump up in the batter.
18:23They're so juicy that way.
18:30I'm coming home.
18:32I'm proud of you, son.
18:36Whatever happened to Mrs. Waffles?
18:38She was hot.
18:39Yes, she was.
18:41But she didn't increase product awareness in girls 3 to 18 a single percent.
18:47I'm coming home.
18:54I'm coming home.
19:26Nurse Peterson, you'll be interested to know I took everyone's tranquilizers and flushed them down the toilet.
19:37What?
19:38I came here to help because I owe someone something.
19:40A soldier like these men.
19:42I didn't come here to stand by and do nothing while you crush their spirits with chemicals.
19:47He deserved better, and they deserved better.
19:49What the hell is wrong with you?
19:51You can't take these men off their sedatives.
19:56I don't want to hear it.
20:25Isn't it bad enough with your mother gone and your brother missing, and you have to go out brawling in the streets?
20:32I'm sorry.
20:33Yeah.
20:36Wait a minute.
20:37This is our dinner.
20:45Well, good news.
20:48God decided I don't deserve to redeem myself.
20:51I get to carry this soul-crushing guilt for the rest of my life.
20:54Yeah.
20:56I've been trying to compose a requiem for him.
21:00It's hard getting in the right mood using a glitter marker.
21:05Maybe we've been trying to honor Reese the wrong way.
21:08What do you mean?
21:09Reese wasn't into helping people and doing good deeds.
21:12He loved to smash stuff and destroy things for no reason.
21:16If we're going to honor Reese, maybe we should think about doing it his way.
21:20Do you have something in mind?
21:23This kind of caught my eye.
21:25An art fair?
21:27Just think what Reese would have done with this.
21:30They've got driftwood art, yarn owls, dream catchers, face painting, folk dancing.
21:38They are kind of begging for it.
21:41I don't know.
21:43There's wrapping grannies.
21:44Let me see that.
21:48Let me go, please.
21:50Come on.
21:51How was I supposed to know it was your God?
21:53It looked like a monkey man.
21:57You're going to regret this.
21:59If my husband finds out, he'll make you pay.
22:02Then you'll really be sorry.
22:08Mom?
22:10Thank you so much.
22:12There you are.
22:14What in the name of God were you thinking?
22:18Look at you.
22:19You are filthy.
22:21Your nails are a disgrace.
22:23You've been tomb robbing.
22:26Well, the fun stops now, young man.
22:29Oh, you are in so much trouble.
22:30Ah!
22:31I just can't believe he could really be gone.
22:50I know.
22:55Wow.
22:56This diaper's got to be a five-pounder.
22:59I'd like to think Jamie knew what it was for.
23:04It's so weird.
23:05It seems like all my life I've wished for something horrible to happen to Reese.
23:12Now that it has, I...
23:14I...
23:17Miss him?
23:18Yeah.
23:23I do, too.
23:24Remember when he shaved my eyebrows and glued them back on so I looked permanently surprised?
23:32That was genius.
23:33Remember that look of pure joy he'd get on Christmas morning when he was smashing our present?
23:47Oh, it slipped my eyes.
23:50No matter how hard I tried, I could never make Mom's face turn that special purple color.
23:59Reese purple.
24:02Why couldn't I have said something meaningful to him before he...
24:06Don't do this to yourself.
24:12Oh!
24:12Oh, my face!
24:14Oh, no!
24:14Oh, no!
24:16I can't believe this!
24:18You would have liked this.
24:20I mean, Reese, you could have been here to see it.
24:24Me, too.
24:27Reese!
24:29You're not dead!
24:31I can't believe it, Reese.
24:32I'm so glad to see you.
24:34All right, all right.
24:35Don't moan me.
24:37How does this work?
24:39Oh, well, we have this remote here.
24:42And you pick out a good one.
24:44Here.
24:44We're saving this one.
24:46It's from when Jamie had swine flu.
24:48Nice.
24:50We're the Rappin' Granny's, and we're here to say.
24:55Rappin' Granny's like to kick it.
24:56The old school way.
24:58Yo, yo, yo.
24:59Rappin' Granny's in the house.
25:01You miss me?
25:02Yeah!
25:06God, I love this country.
25:08Yeah!
25:09Yeah!
25:12And loved this country.
25:14Yeah!
25:18Yeah!
25:19All right.
25:19I'm on your phone now here.
25:20You're the start!
25:21I'm on your phone now.
25:21Yeah!
25:22You're the last thing.
25:26I'll be on your phone.
25:28You're the last!
25:28I'm on your phone now.
25:30And I know you better be on James.
25:31Yeah!
25:31You're the last thing.
25:31Yeah!
25:32You ain't got one.
25:33Yeah!
25:35Go!
25:35You're the last thing.
25:36Yeah!
25:37I'm on your phone.
25:37Transcription by CastingWords