- 4/30/2025
Malcolm In The Middle Season 3 Episode 22 Monkey
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TVTranscript
00:00They squashed in the back of their seats.
00:02They wouldn't float around.
00:04You're confusing acceleration with velocity.
00:07You feel it when you first start going faster,
00:09but once you're up to speed, you don't even notice.
00:12I mean, right now, we're on a planet
00:14that's spinning at 1,000 miles per hour.
00:17And that's just rotational velocity.
00:19We're also traveling around the sun
00:20at almost 67,000 miles per hour.
00:23And then, the whole solar system
00:25is hurtling through the galaxy,
00:27which is hurtling away from all the other galaxies
00:29because the universe is expanding.
00:36Whee!
00:40Yes, no, maybe.
00:44I don't know.
00:47Can you repeat the question?
00:51You're not the boss of me now.
00:53You're not the boss of me now.
00:56You're not the boss of me now.
00:58And you're not so big.
01:02You're not the boss of me now.
01:05You're not the boss of me now.
01:07You're not the boss of me now.
01:10And you're not so big.
01:13Life is unfair.
01:16Life is unfair.
01:19Did you hear that?
01:25Oh, fire and retro jets, Captain.
01:28Hell, I think somebody's trying to break into our house.
01:30Yeah, I was doing in the morning.
01:33What was that?
01:34Oh, my God.
01:39Hell.
01:40Get him, Wallace.
01:42Oh, God.
01:44Get first.
01:45Get first.
01:48Got him.
01:50What would have happened if Race didn't knock him out?
02:08He would have seen our TV and stereo and known he made a terrible mistake.
02:12And I let go of my arm.
02:14He came through the window right in front of us.
02:17I can't explain it.
02:18It was like we were paralyzed.
02:21And then my son, Race, came in swinging this bat.
02:25He saved us all.
02:26Yeah, it's a good thing Race got to him before I did.
02:30And where were you, sir?
02:32I was in bed.
02:34I actually trapped in bed.
02:36You see, my wife insists on tucking in the corners.
02:39I mean, really tucking them in.
02:42I saw this head in the moonlight look like a big, fat pitch sitting over the plate.
02:47If only there were more kids like you, our streets would be a lot safer.
02:52Thanks.
02:52You look familiar.
02:54Did you ever participate in our ride-along program?
03:00Sort of.
03:01It's like being in a straitjacket.
03:04You twist and you twist and you just can't shake the damn sheets loose.
03:09Well, the most important thing is we caught the guy.
03:12You know what?
03:13Why don't I show you?
03:14Follow me to the bedroom and I'll tuck you in.
03:16Sir, you don't tuck in police officers.
03:19Craig, I got your lunch.
03:23Sorry I'm late.
03:25I picked up the burgers and I had to drive a half an hour across town to get your chicken from Nugget World.
03:31I thought you said you wanted to help me lead a normal life.
03:38Did you get the extra mail?
03:40Yes.
03:41From which place?
03:44When are you getting the nurse?
03:46Well, gee, Lois, it's just that I've been so busy with, you know, having my arms and legs broken when your kid's dog chased me out into traffic.
03:55Plus, I can't sleep knowing the mental trauma my cat suffers staying at Mother's.
04:01Then there's all the forehead sticks I went through learning to go to the bathroom.
04:05Craig, the insurance company gave you money for a nurse.
04:09Ah, Lois.
04:11Poor, sweet money-wasting Lois.
04:14I've got something better.
04:16Oliver!
04:21Oh my god, is that a monkey?
04:24It's a helper monkey.
04:26They're highly trained and they donate them free to the permanently disabled.
04:30You're not permanently disabled.
04:32For the next six weeks, he thinks I am.
04:35Craig, I am not taking care of you and a wild animal.
04:39Lois, it's not a wild animal.
04:42It's a cappuccine monkey.
04:44They're nature's butlers.
04:46I've got a good one, too.
04:48His brother worked for Stephen Hawking.
04:50Oh my god, when was the last time this thing was clean?
04:56This is the worst job in the world.
05:04Why do we put up with this?
05:05I don't know about you, but I'm still paying off law school.
05:08Okay, everybody, clear out.
05:11You're all fired.
05:12What?
05:13Camp's closing.
05:14They cut down the last tree today.
05:16Anyone want to take a picture with it?
05:18The mining company bought the land.
05:21You've got to be out of here by the end of today.
05:23We're just out like that without notice?
05:25This is the circle of life up here.
05:27First, they cut down the trees.
05:29Then the mining company strips the land.
05:32Then, with any luck at all, they turn whatever's left into a nuclear waste dump.
05:36It's the only way we're going to wean ourselves from our unhealthy dependence on foreign oil.
05:41Well, I guess I'm going to have to move back in with my parents.
05:49And then, after the awards ceremony, they gave you a tour at the police station.
05:53Did you know the mirrors in the interrogation room are two-way?
05:57It's a good thing they didn't have that before.
05:59For heroism and meritorious action, Reese, I'm so proud of you.
06:04Okay, Dewey, are you finally going to be able to go to sleep now?
06:08Well, you saw all the policemen and how strong the bars are.
06:12Yeah, but...
06:12And you saw that the police station is much too big for a helicopter to carry it away to a secret hideout under the sea.
06:19But...
06:19No buts, Dewey.
06:21That guy is in a jail cell. He's not going anywhere.
06:24I wouldn't bet on him.
06:25With our legal system, he's probably back in the streets right now.
06:29Dewey.
06:30Mom, Dad, this whole thing has got me thinking.
06:34I mean, usually those cops are throwing me in the back of their squad cars.
06:38But today, they were all clapping for me.
06:40Well, you're a real hero!
06:42And it was really cool, you know?
06:44Protecting you guys.
06:46Saving your lives.
06:47Thanks again.
06:49And this made me realize.
06:51For the first time in my life, I know what my purpose is.
06:55I think I found my calling.
06:58Mom, Dad, I want to be a pig.
07:02Go to sleep.
07:07I'm still scared.
07:10Read me a story.
07:12Please.
07:13I've already read you every book in this place.
07:17Please.
07:17Please.
07:18Aardvark.
07:31A burrowing mammal of Southern Africa.
07:36Myocardium.
07:38The muscle tissue of the heart.
07:39It's all right.
07:54It's all right.
07:55It was just me turning off the light.
07:57Where are you?
07:58Let me be back.
07:59Come on, you son of a bitch.
08:01Sorry.
08:12Come back to sleep.
08:26Kamingo.
08:31It turns out it was all a simple misunderstanding.
08:39It's Larry who should have gotten the spinoff show.
08:42Not the Ropers.
08:44Huh, Oliver?
08:47Oh, Lois, you're not drinking your tea.
08:49Oliver.
08:51Lois takes sugar in her tea.
08:52One lump.
08:53I usually like to thank him when he does something right.
09:03Um, thank you, Oliver.
09:05Isn't he amazing?
09:07He makes the bed, he does dishes.
09:09He even changes his own diaper.
09:11Oliver, temple massage.
09:13Oh, this is about as good as it gets.
09:25Lois, you want some of this?
09:27I have to go.
09:30Oh, he's like a frail geisha.
09:34Hey, what's going on here?
09:46We're just playing.
09:47It's getting a little loud.
09:49This is a nice neighborhood.
09:52Let's keep it that way.
09:58Stay in school.
09:59Hey, you kids.
10:04Where are your helmets?
10:05That's not safe.
10:07Who the hell are you?
10:12Ouch.
10:14Ouch.
10:16See?
10:17You should be more careful.
10:19Play safe.
10:20Be smart.
10:24Did you get the job?
10:25No.
10:26It was a stupid idea anyway, auditioning for a cruise ship.
10:30And what kind of a piano player doesn't know the music, the cabaret?
10:34Honey, this is useless.
10:36We have to go someplace where there's work.
10:39We're not leaving our home.
10:41Something will come up.
10:43We're not here.
10:44What?
10:45Viyama!
10:46We know you're in there.
10:51Hey, what's the problem?
10:52Look, I'm sorry.
10:53We served your eviction notice 30 days ago.
10:55You have to leave.
10:56Eviction?
10:57What are you talking about?
10:58Why didn't you tell me?
10:59Because it's not happening.
11:01Hey, the tribal council made a deal with the mining company.
11:04You're getting a settlement.
11:06Part of a settlement.
11:08Only one-fifteenth of your property is on tribal land.
11:11Forget it!
11:12We'll just live in the other part of the house.
11:14You can't do that.
11:15This whole area has been designated as an arsenic containment basin.
11:20Nobody's stealing my property.
11:22Let's just all cool down.
11:24Uh, you may actually not want to touch her.
11:27Don't.
11:28Tell me how to do my job.
11:31All right, Missy.
11:32Let's get one thing straight.
11:34Let's get one thing.
11:46what time is it ah damn it's too dark to see my rolex
12:16no matter I'll just take out the maximum amount and everything will be fine
12:23yeah that ought to do it now where did I park my Bentley damn my inability to see in the dark
12:36hey can I help you with something
12:40your money's hanging out of your pocket you might want to tuck it back in it's a bad neighborhood
12:48thank you
12:52oh that lasagna smells good took you long enough though why'd you have to fly to Italy to get it
13:10never mind let's uh let's dig in
13:14hot hot hot hot let's just let it cool down a little bit
13:23oh hot tongue blood burn what he's got no water
13:34hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot
14:04You're out.
14:06I was safe.
14:08Out. Safe.
14:16Looks like someone smashed up your trash cans pretty good.
14:19Maybe if you brought them in on time, this kind of thing wouldn't happen.
14:26Oliver? Is my milkshake ready?
14:30It was supposed to be ready an hour ago.
14:33If it's warm, you can go ahead and drink it because I won't.
14:38I just love this, too.
14:40Alright, I will.
14:42Where is it?
14:44It's setting up perfectly.
14:46Oliver?
14:58You know what? I've changed my mind. I'm not in the mood for a milkshake anymore.
15:03Shhh.
15:05Well, since you did go to all that trouble.
15:12And look at that.
15:14Again, brilliant. Look at the height.
15:18Mmm. Good.
15:21Another perfect plan.
15:22Another perfect plan.
15:23Another perfect plan.
15:26I've been awake for a week straight.
15:42The first 96 hours were tough, but I really think I'm starting to get my second wind.
15:44Huh, but I really think I'm starting to get my second win.
15:50Who needs sleep anyway?
15:52Just a waste of time.
15:55They say that Thomas Edison only got, like...
16:00Well, he didn't...
16:03What was I talking about?
16:07Never mind.
16:14Craig, I can't stay long.
16:25I got your mail.
16:27Jeez, it's boiling in here.
16:31Really?
16:32I hadn't noticed anything.
16:34I'm just spending a pleasant afternoon at home here with Oliver.
16:38Boss, that monkey is out to get me.
16:45What?
16:46He tried to poison me, and now he's trying to cook me alive.
16:49He isn't a little monkey.
16:51Craig, you're asking an animal with a brain the size of a piece of gum to run your household.
16:55Stop being paranoid.
16:56I am not being paranoid.
16:59I've seen him staring at me when I'm pretending to be asleep.
17:03He's been chewing on my brake cables.
17:06You have got to get me out of here.
17:09You are not staying with me.
17:12Craig, that monkey is not trying to...
17:15Who is...
17:18You're telling such amusing stories.
17:20Shh.
17:22You are getting a real nurse tomorrow.
17:33Just a quarter meal?
17:34That's it.
17:41What are you doing?
17:53I was waiting for that spot.
17:55Oh, you got a problem with me, pal?
17:58Oh, bring it on.
18:00What, you want it?
18:01You got it.
18:03I'll kick your ass.
18:04You think I'm afraid of you?
18:06I am not afraid.
18:09No one's tucked in now.
18:12Just give me 30 seconds.
18:14I'll beat you like I was your daddy.
18:16I am going to pound your head out through your butt, and then I'm going to make you kiss it.
18:26I am very sorry, sir.
18:28Oh, yeah, yeah, you're going to be sorry.
18:31Hey, hey, where are you going?
18:32Where are you going to run away, little girl?
18:34Why don't you come out here and fight like a man?
18:37Hey, Mom.
18:51What are you doing?
18:52I'm loading the groceries.
18:54You're, um, a little far on the sidewalk, aren't you?
18:57Who cares?
18:58Grab a bag.
19:00You have to leave the sidewalk free for pedestrians.
19:02Stop stalling and help unload.
19:04Are you walking away from me?
19:09Excuse me?
19:10You can't leave your car here.
19:12I will leave my car wherever I want to leave my car.
19:17Well, I'd hate to see anything happen to your car.
19:22Just bring in the bags, Reese.
19:29This is Dewey last time.
19:30I'm here.
19:31Officer, I need of assistance.
19:36Repeat.
19:37Officer, I need of assistance.
19:38To him, unison.
19:57To him, unison.
19:59To him, let him utveck it.
20:01To him,해�.
20:03To him, dis he's done.
20:03It's to him.
20:04To him, y'allo knifed it away.
20:04kitty and uud.
20:06Just look away.
20:089-1-1 emergency this is Craig Feldsburg you've got to help me my monkey butthurt is trying to kill me
20:30I don't know how much time I have
20:33that lawyer was a total idiot are you kidding a $50 fine was a great deal it probably cost 10
20:45times that amount to wire that deputy's jaw shut he totally deserved what happened this is not
20:51helping us look here's the settlement check from the tribe we can use it to pay your fine I'm not
20:57taking the settlement and I'm not paying the fine I'm getting a real lawyer and taking this to trial
21:02that would take four or five months there is a bulldozer in the yard and it's gonna flatten this
21:09house whether we're in it or not I'm not scared of a bulldozer you know what the bulldozer doesn't
21:15care if you're scared or not it will still crush you we have to get out of here I can't why are
21:21you so scared to leave I don't know Francis I've been on this reservation my whole life I don't know
21:33anything else I'm just a hick I'm not like you I can't just pick up and start a new life whenever
21:42I need to I'm not as brave as you okay brave I'm not brave I just didn't know any better what if I
21:55had had any idea of how horrible it was up here I never would have come and I never would have met
22:02you I'm not brave I'm just stupid and lucky and you're with me now so my stupid luck will take care
22:12of you hopefully one-fifteenth of the share will pay off our fine and maybe buy us a bus ticket
22:25oh my god oh my god oh my god that's more than I made all last year see this is what I'm talking
22:34about Craig you in there Craig what happened behind you
22:52what the hell's wrong with that monkey he's crazy well he picked the wrong guy to mess with
23:05oh no god please don't hang on Craig don't leave me save yourself
23:15oh my god I'm not gonna leave you here buddy
23:17you'll be safe here
23:24oh my god
23:29oh my god
23:33oh my god
23:35oh my god
23:39oh my god
23:40oh my god
23:41oh my god
23:42oh my god
23:43oh my god
23:44oh my god
23:46oh my god
23:47oh my god
23:48oh my god
23:49oh my god
23:50oh my god
23:51oh my god
23:52oh my god
23:53oh my god
23:54oh my god
23:55oh my god
23:56oh my god
23:57oh my god
23:58oh my god
23:59oh my god
24:00oh my god
24:01oh my god
24:02oh my god
24:03oh my god
24:04oh my god
24:05oh my god
24:06oh my god
24:07oh my god
24:08oh my god
24:09oh my god
24:10oh my god
24:11oh my god
24:12oh my god
24:13I always take shit at anything like this.
24:27Take that!
24:29You damn dirty helper monkey!
24:33So, where do you want to go?
24:35I don't care.
24:36All I know is we got $2,000 left and a car pointed south.
24:43Read it to me again, Dad.
24:49Okay, son.
24:53Local man subdues monkey.
24:58Disabled man was saved by the man.
25:01I'm sorry, Dad.
25:05Okay, son.
25:07Local man subdues monkey.
25:10The disabled man was saved by a local hero when he was...
25:19Oh.
25:21I can't believe it.
25:23Dewey's finally fallen asleep.
25:27I'm only 11 hours away from the world record.
25:29So at least some girl will come up.
25:31Experts say the capuchin monkey can weigh up to 9 pounds.
25:39He's a real hero, said victim Craig Beltspar, age 36.
25:45A real hero.
25:47Evil Evil.
25:48They'll go back and clear room
25:50Helmuth for 20 minutes.
25:51Let's see.
25:52Later room.
25:55Caaaaah.
25:57Dude, Dad, I will see.
26:00Ciaaaaah.
26:02plays heavy Help...
26:04yay...
26:07Widow...
26:09I...
26:10You know.
26:11Albert.
26:12Roll out!
26:13Move,
26:14where will and
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