- 5/5/2025
Malcolm In The Middle Season 5 Episode 19 Experiment
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TVTranscript
00:00How angry would you be if someone broke your antique music box?
00:07Ugh, what do you mean? Does it play at all?
00:11Great!
00:15What, were you roughhousing in my bedroom?
00:18And I don't suppose you're even gonna come out here and face your punishment?
00:30Hal, is that you?
00:35Yes, no, maybe
00:40I don't know
00:42Can you repeat the question?
00:46You're not the boss of me now
00:49You're not the boss of me now
00:52You're not the boss of me now
00:54And you're not so big
00:57You're not the boss of me now
01:00You're not the boss of me now
01:03You're not the boss of me now
01:05And you're not so big
01:09Life is unfair
01:14Stevie, come on
01:20Jonas Salk would've saw this days ago
01:23He wasn't working with an idiot
01:28You're calling me an idiot?
01:30You wanna make a type 2 restriction enzyme in yeast without using any bacteria?
01:35And I'm the idiot?
01:37Yes
01:38And yes
01:40We have to
01:43Try something
01:45What do you think I've been doing for the last 2 weeks?
01:48When am I getting my room back?
01:50I can't work on my sexy face out there in front of mom
01:53What are you guys doing here anyway?
01:56Trying to create a new kind of restriction enzyme
01:58What does it look like?
02:00You're messing up my room for that?
02:04This is important
02:05Restriction enzymes are used for chromosome mapping, DNA testing, gene splicing
02:11It's for a big national competition
02:13If we win this, our paper will be published in a scientific journal
02:17We'll probably be able to write our ticket to any college in the country
02:20Then everyone will pay
02:25Only our incubator keeps breaking down
02:32Plus we're running low on agar
02:34We're completely out of blood
02:36Our yeast keeps getting contaminated
02:38And maybe I can help
02:40That's okay Reese
02:42If we need a head caught in a waste paper basket
02:45We'll give you a call
02:46Why do you do that?
02:48I offered to help you and you'd turn around and make it about me being stupid
02:54Seriously
02:56I might have something to contribute
02:58Why don't you just give me a chance?
03:01That's two pints
03:08That's two pints
03:09Better not take any more
03:11This is so exciting
03:13I feel like I'm going to faint
03:15Four dollars, right?
03:19Thanks
03:20Say hi to Dewey for me
03:25Who is that?
03:26Oh, some kid from Dewey's class selling chocolate
03:29Enjoy your strained beets, little man
03:34Ugh, is it that time of year again?
03:37Mom, please don't make me
03:39Aha!
03:40I wondered what you were doing with a book bag
03:43I don't want to go door to door selling stupid candy
03:47Dewey, your father and I have missed everything at school this year
03:50The paper drive, the car wash, the bake sale
03:53We need you to pick up the slack
03:55You are doing this
03:57Dad, do I have to?
04:13Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
04:43Of course you're doing it. It'll be great for your character to sell, oh, what's a good number, 275 bars.
04:51It looks like there's about another half hour of sunlight left. What are you waiting for?
04:57Fine, I'll do it. But I just want you to know, if some crazy couple steals me and then raises me as a girl, it's on your head.
05:06No, it's not.
05:09Hello. Hey, Dewey, what's going on?
05:12You won't believe what Mom's putting me through.
05:15What is it this time?
05:16They're doing a candy bar drive at school, and we've all been given a ton of candy bars to sell.
05:22I used to hate that.
05:24And you know what Mom did?
05:26What?
05:27She forbid me to sell them. She said I'd never be able to sell a single one.
05:34Oh, she did? That is horrible. I'll buy a dozen right now, Dewey.
05:39She even compared me selling candy to you getting married.
05:45You know what? Make it two dozen.
05:47But don't tell Mom. She'll think I did it just to make her mad.
05:50Tell her someone else bought them.
05:52Wouldn't that be a lie?
05:54It doesn't matter. It's justified.
05:56She's the reason that no one in this family has any confidence.
06:00I'm hanging up right now so I can write you a check.
06:02Hey, Fred, where are you going with that piglet?
06:08I can't keep him in the pen. The sow rejected him.
06:11Oh, so you're going to take him home?
06:15Yeah, that's what I'm going to do.
06:17Oh, no!
06:19Do you have to?
06:21Well, listen, he's half the size of the rest of the litter.
06:24The other piglets won't let him feed.
06:26It's the humane thing to do.
06:28Fred, you can't do this. Look at his face.
06:31He knows they're going to take him out and kill him.
06:35Well, he does now.
06:37Ralph.
06:38What?
06:39You can't kill him if he has a name. It's Ralph.
06:42Little Ralph the Piglet.
06:45Oh, geez.
06:47That's my kid's name.
06:50Here.
06:50Here.
06:50Here.
06:58Did it separate?
07:07Hell no.
07:08So we still don't have an enzyme.
07:11What is our problem?
07:13We've tried every variable of heat and pressure?
07:19Yes, yes, yes.
07:20We've tried acids.
07:22We've tried bases.
07:24How much blood do we have left?
07:26Plenty.
07:26I snuck another pint when he was sleeping.
07:32Stevie.
07:33He wants to help.
07:35I know, but I took care of that.
07:38He kept bugging me, so I gave him some food coloring and told him they were chemicals.
07:42Guys, guys, I've made a discovery.
07:45When you mix blue and yellow, you get an entirely new color.
07:51I'm going to name it...
07:53Blallow.
07:56Hey, look at this.
08:00Dewey has already sold 52 candy bars.
08:04He still has a long way to go, Lois.
08:06Let's keep our feet on the ground.
08:11For now.
08:15Kitty, come down.
08:16Fear not.
08:30Have your pets spayed or neutered.
08:39It's nice Dewey's working so hard for the school.
08:41If he keeps this up, we'll be able to blow off the safety fare.
08:52Hello, sir.
08:53Sorry, I don't eat candy.
08:55Oh, these aren't candy bars.
08:57These are America bars.
09:00What are you talking about?
09:01You know, America bars.
09:03Well, actually, I prefer their term, freedom bars.
09:08You love America, right?
09:11Well, of course I do.
09:12Well, there are a lot of people out there who are hoping we won't do our part.
09:17What do you mean?
09:19You know, people.
09:21People who don't have this country's best interest at heart.
09:24So, these candy bars help fight terrorism?
09:29With every chocolatey, nougatty bite.
09:33How much are they?
09:35$9.50.
09:37I'll take two.
09:39No, young man.
09:47Separate!
09:48Hello, trade school.
09:58I wish Reggie would kill Archie and take over this comic.
10:03Malcolm, I need you to watch Jamie for a while.
10:05Mom, we're at a very critical point in our experiment.
10:09I'm sorry.
10:10Are you new?
10:11Stevie, explain to your friend how things work around here.
10:18Anything?
10:26No change.
10:30Found some higher.
10:33Well, none of these worked.
10:36Maybe we should...
10:38Oh, my God.
10:44It separated.
10:49Yeah!
10:50We did it!
10:51We made an enzyme!
10:53Unbelievable!
10:54What'd you do to it?
10:56I didn't...
10:57do anything.
11:00What?
11:01Well, neither did I.
11:03Blenlow!
11:17Hey, guys.
11:18How did you do it?
11:37I didn't do anything.
11:38Look, we're not mad at you.
11:41We just need to know what you did.
11:43Why are you always blaming me?
11:45Reese, you did a good thing.
11:47You somehow got this thing to separate.
11:49You must have added something.
11:52What was it?
11:53Oh.
11:55I just...
11:57I don't know if I can even remember.
11:59I mean, I wasn't paying that much attention,
12:01and there was all this other stuff going on.
12:04And I'm not sure why I'd tell you
12:06if you're not going to give me credit.
12:08What?
12:09This is a big contest.
12:11Big enough for the three of us.
12:12So?
12:13Either we split the credit three ways,
12:16or I'm not talking.
12:19You are picking the wrong guys to mess with, Reese.
12:24Yeah.
12:26Let's tattle.
12:27And he won't tell us what he did
12:29unless we give him credit for it.
12:31It's so unfair.
12:33All he did was just read comic books,
12:35and we've been working on it for weeks.
12:37What is it you want me to do, Malcolm?
12:39Force him to tell us.
12:41Wait a minute.
12:42Seems to me if Reese fixed your experiment,
12:44he should get some credit.
12:45What?
12:46No!
12:48He doesn't even know why it works.
12:50I have been working for 20 years without knowing why.
12:53Give Reese the credit.
12:57Calm down, Ralph.
12:59It's okay.
13:00You're all right.
13:00What happened?
13:04The other piglets were mean to him.
13:06Francis, you said last week
13:07you put that thing back in its pen.
13:09I tried, but he's just so good-natured and sweet,
13:12the others won't let him feed.
13:14I am not putting him back in there
13:16until I teach him to be more assertive.
13:18But we're spending every second of the day
13:20taking care of him.
13:22Hey, no one ever said raising a pig would be easy.
13:25No one ever said we'd be raising a pig.
13:28Listen, Francis,
13:29either you return Ralph to his pen tonight
13:32or he's going to be looking up at you from an omelet.
13:38Come on, Ralph.
13:41It's gut check time.
13:43Your brothers don't think you can keep up with him.
13:45Is that what you think?
13:47Come on, I know you can do it.
13:49You just got to get tough.
13:50Come on, show me your mean face.
13:52Uh-uh.
13:59Hmm, what's that?
14:18Ah, the stink of failure.
14:23Okay, Reese, we give up.
14:25Just tell us what you did and we'll give you credit.
14:28Okay, just sign this.
14:34Reese is a full partner in this experiment
14:36and is entitled to a full share of the credit
14:39because without his help,
14:41this would have been impossible.
14:52Outwitted
14:52by a dumbass.
14:58Everything seems to be in order.
14:59All right, Reese, tell us what you did.
15:02Okay.
15:05I have no idea.
15:07I don't remember doing anything special to it.
15:10What?
15:11But now when you make fun of me
15:12and tell people I'm stupid,
15:14I have actual evidence in your own handwriting
15:16that says I'm just as smart as you are.
15:19Ha!
15:19Finally, there's justice in the way.
15:24This baby's mother is 13 years old.
15:30Every candy bar you buy
15:33goes towards buying unwed mothers like her
15:36school books and hot lunches.
15:40I'll get my purse.
15:45I'm telling you, I don't remember.
15:48Okay, let him up.
15:52Ah!
15:56Reese, this is important.
15:59It's for medicine.
16:00This enzyme could help save somebody's life one day.
16:04Just please try to think about what you did.
16:10Um.
16:13I can't.
16:14I'm sorry.
16:15I don't know.
16:16I was just hanging out in the room like I always do.
16:19Re-create it.
16:22Yeah.
16:22That's a great idea.
16:24Just do everything you did when you were in the room by yourself.
16:28Just close your eyes and pretend.
16:30See everything you did in your mind's eye
16:32and then just do what you see.
16:34Stevie and I aren't even here.
16:37You were alone in the room just like before.
16:42Okay.
16:43Let's see.
16:44First thing was, you guys left.
16:53And then I went to the test tubes
16:55to see what enzyme tasted like.
17:01But then it was boring already.
17:06And then
17:07I saw something shiny.
17:10And I put it in my shiny box.
17:21And then
17:22Right.
17:29And then I got one of Malcolm's shirts.
17:31And then I
17:33Oh my god.
17:55Then I play with Dewey's Game Boy.
17:57And your teacher called to say
18:02you sold more chocolate bars
18:03than anyone else.
18:04She said all your classmates hate you.
18:07I'm so proud, Dewey.
18:08Well, you know
18:09it's a good product.
18:11They really sell themselves.
18:13I can't believe it.
18:14Dewey sold over
18:151,500 candy bars.
18:191,500.
18:20Page 12.
18:23Page 12.
18:23Page 12.
18:24Page 12.
18:24Page 12.
18:50They'll eat your dad's dust.
19:04Hi, is this where the boy lives who's selling eco bars?
19:07Sorry, we're all out. Come back later.
19:10Well, there you are.
19:11We wanted to buy some more of those candy bars that heal the forests.
19:15You should be so proud of your boy.
19:17I don't know what you're talking about.
19:19Of course you do.
19:21You said every bar plants a seedling in Fire Rabbit's Yellowstone.
19:26Oh, and I love the little bonus of 10% going to pro-life causes.
19:30Wait a minute.
19:31He told me 10% went to pro-choice causes.
19:35I didn't know you felt that way.
19:37I didn't know you felt that way.
19:41Excuse me, ladies.
19:42I have to tell someone how I feel.
19:44You are in so much trouble.
19:49I hope you'll think about what you did every time you see me driving by in your prize.
19:55He's not getting any prize.
19:57You've been lying to everyone to get them to buy candy.
20:01What do I tell you about lying?
20:03Lying is the worst thing you can do.
20:05It destroys character, Dewey.
20:07It destroys the trust people have in each other.
20:10Do you understand?
20:11Yes.
20:13And what do you have to say for yourself?
20:15Francis told me to do it.
20:17I should have known.
20:20Did you tell your brother to lie about those candy bars?
20:23You bet I did.
20:25And I'm sick of you standing on the sidelines sabotaging everything we try to do.
20:30Have you lost your mind, Francis?
20:32What kind of advice is that to give your brother?
20:35This is all your fault.
20:36I'm just trying to help the kid instead of tearing him down all the time.
20:41And I'm sick of you thinking that everything we do is stupid.
20:51Okay, Ralph.
20:52Remember your visualization.
20:54You're mean.
20:55You're tough.
20:56You're the biggest pig in the pen.
20:57And you're not afraid of anyone.
20:59Now get in there.
21:01Kick some ass.
21:02And nurse like you have never nursed before.
21:05Hey, that's it, Ralph.
21:11Get in there.
21:12Good for you.
21:13Good.
21:15Okay, stop, Ralph.
21:17Ralph, no biting.
21:20Oh, not the mother, too.
21:22Gah!
21:24That's gross.
21:29No, Ralph, not the chicken coop.
21:32If I were you, I'd hurry up and start naming the cattle.
21:42And then my ears were finally clean.
21:46Then I was going to update my enemies list.
21:50But I remembered I had math homework.
21:52Didn't get it.
21:59Didn't get it.
22:02Didn't get it.
22:04Didn't get it.
22:05Stupid, stupid.
22:11Stupid, stupid.
22:13Stupid.
22:15Stupid.
22:17I hate you.
22:19I hate you.
22:31Then I worked on my triceps.
22:39Hey, no one likes math.
22:43Sorry.
22:49It's okay.
22:53So...
22:55Whatcha do next?
22:57Nothing. I started playing with the ball.
23:09Well, I guess we won't be...
23:11I can't.
23:13What?
23:15Reese, keep throwing it.
23:25Look!
23:27It's separated!
23:33It's separated!
23:35There must be asbestos in the ceiling!
23:37Of course!
23:39What are you talking about?
23:41Reese, you did it!
23:43It's a highly mutagenic material!
23:45It can change the way cells reproduce!
23:47These cells!
23:49And it's been here the whole time!
23:51We have asbestos in our ceiling!
23:53We have asbestos in our ceiling!
23:55We have asbestos in our ceiling!
23:57Yay!
23:59Yay!
24:03What?
24:11Scrabbled eggs! Coming up!
24:13So we're living out here to get the asbestos cleaned out!
24:23Oh! And we won the contest!
24:25Turns out the company sponsoring it keeps all the patent rights!
24:29They're using our work to make a new cholesterol drug that'll earn billions!
24:33And you know what we got?
24:35A pencil case!
24:37It has a compass on it!
24:39Mom! Dad!
24:41Anybody need a pencil?
24:43No Reese!
24:45We still don't need a pencil!
24:47Well if you do!
24:49You know where to find it!
24:53Okay Francis!
24:55How much longer will you have to share the bed with Ralph?
24:57It's getting ridiculous!
24:59He puts up a brave front!
25:01But I don't think he really feels that confident!
25:11He'll let us know when he's ready!
25:13And we'll see you later!
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