- 5/3/2025
Malcolm In The Middle Season 5 Episode 10 Hot Tub
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TVTranscript
00:00I think so.
00:02And look at this! My popsicle is like twice the size of yours!
00:06What a score! I am totally-
00:08Reese!
00:13Oh.
00:15Never mind.
00:17Yes, no, maybe.
00:21I don't know.
00:24Can you repeat the question?
00:28You're not the boss of me now.
00:31You're not the boss of me now.
00:34You're not the boss of me now.
00:36And you're not so big.
00:39You're not the boss of me now.
00:42You're not the boss of me now.
00:45You're not the boss of me now.
00:47And you're not so big.
00:52Life is unfair.
00:56Jamie, how can you enjoy this processed food?
01:01This is nothing like you'd eat out in the wild.
01:05I did it. I got my learners permit.
01:08I can drive anywhere with an adult,
01:10and the adult does not have to be visible from the outside.
01:13I checked.
01:13Everyone taking the test was trying to copy off him.
01:17Wow, Mom's actually proud of me.
01:20It's kind of nice to finally have my moment in the...
01:23Dewey! Oh, my God!
01:26Is this what it looks like?
01:29Yes, Mom. This is a friend.
01:32His name's Noah.
01:33Oh, Noah, it is such a pleasure to meet you.
01:37I can't tell you how thrilled I am.
01:40Mom?
01:41If we seem too excited, we're going to spook him.
01:44So as far as you're concerned, this is just another day.
01:49Come on, Noah.
01:51Dewey!
01:52Okay, I'm done now.
01:59Honey, come on out here. I have a surprise for you.
02:02What is this?
02:10It's a hot tub, Lois.
02:12Are you out of your mind? We can't afford a hot tub.
02:15That's what I said, too.
02:17But then the sales guy showed me how wrong I was.
02:21Boys, get out here!
02:23Hal, I can't believe you did this without me.
02:25You know we always make these kinds of decisions together.
02:28It was an in-store promotion.
02:31We got 20% off on the spot!
02:34Plus a tub club card.
02:36Plus free caulking.
02:38And that's where they kill you, Lois.
02:39The caulking.
02:40Hal, a hot tub suite.
02:43This is just what it's like here.
02:44We're always getting great stuff like hot tubs.
02:47Hal, you're taking it back.
02:49What about the boys?
02:50Don't they get a say in this?
02:52Yeah, Mom. It'll be great for entertaining.
02:55No, they do not get a say in this because we are not keeping it.
02:59Well, we're kind of locked in.
03:03We're what?
03:04Lois, you don't get deals like this without making a commitment.
03:08It's 0% interest.
03:11If you factor in inflation, it's almost like they're paying us $2,800.
03:15$2,800?
03:18I can't believe you.
03:20You weren't behind my back.
03:22You spent money you had no right to spend to buy a pile of lumber and tubes.
03:26Don't worry.
03:28It has very detailed assembly instructions,
03:31which I won't go anywhere near because Malcolm's doing it.
03:35I don't mind.
03:36The baby's head was in the sun.
03:55Otto, what are you doing?
03:56I am posting the new safety rules.
03:58There have been far too many senseless accidents.
04:02People will have no excuse not to be safe.
04:06Oh, shit.
04:34Francis, you wouldn't believe what happened.
04:38I almost...
04:39I'm...
04:40Oh, my God!
04:46You okay?
04:52Manfred Schmidt.
04:57Did I tell you?
04:58You just can't have a care in the world when you're in a hot tub.
05:02It's like a trip back to the old amniotic sack.
05:08Jamie's gonna be asleep for another hour.
05:11Do you think I could borrow your car for a quick trip to the Lucky Air?
05:14I'll drive!
05:16Oh, no, I'll be fine.
05:18Really, you all look so comfortable, and it's really just...
05:21Not wrong at all.
05:22I got the keys.
05:22Let's go.
05:27Honey, take a load off.
05:29No, thanks.
05:30Since now you've decided we're a family where everyone does whatever they want,
05:34what I want is to not be in the hot tub.
05:39These jets are great.
05:41I couldn't hear a word she said.
05:44And if you really listen, everything has its own vibrations.
05:49The trees and the grass.
05:50I mean, it's like the whole world is screaming sometimes, but you know,
05:55you can get one of those white noise machines and really crank an...
05:59Oh, stop here.
06:01What about the drugstore?
06:02I just need to grab something.
06:03This is cool.
06:13I get to drive.
06:14Plus, I got to know Pi a little bit better.
06:16It turns out she hasn't had a TV in 12 years.
06:20And instead of chemicals, her dry cleaner uses tea.
06:24Okay, but the driving is still cool.
06:27Go, go, go, go, go!
06:28What?
06:29I said go!
06:32Woo!
06:41What did you do?
06:42Malcolm, just give me a second to explain I didn't do anything wrong.
06:46Trust me, we're not in any danger.
06:48Then take your foot off the gas!
06:50Yes!
06:50Okay, what did you take?
06:58What is that thing?
06:59This is mine.
07:01It belongs to me.
07:03My ex-boyfriend Danny took it and he wouldn't give it back and this happens to be my mother.
07:09Your what?
07:10My mother's in here.
07:11Her ashes.
07:12I meant to get her a nicer urn, but they just raised my tuition at the wicket school.
07:18So why couldn't you just ask the guy for the ashes?
07:21I don't think that would be a really good route to go with Danny.
07:24He's a very troubled man.
07:27What?
07:27Please don't tell your parents, okay?
07:30I need you to keep this between us, please.
07:34I love Jamie and he loves me and I'd be crushed if I couldn't see him.
07:40Literally, emotions can compress organs, Malcolm.
07:45So, can you help me out on this?
07:49I'm fine.
07:51This is weird.
07:53All I keep thinking is, it is so cool that I'm driving!
07:58Francis, have you seen Otto?
08:01What's the matter?
08:02I don't like letting him out of my sight.
08:03But he's been so accident-prone.
08:06In the past few days, he smashed up both our cars.
08:09He keeps falling down the stairs.
08:11This morning, he set his hair on fire with his reading glasses.
08:16Gretchen, my love.
08:18I wonder if you can fetch the tweezers.
08:21I seem to have an ass full of cactus.
08:23Otto, and it was just beginning to heal.
08:27Well, I'm sorry.
08:27It's not like I'm doing this on purpose.
08:32Francis, I'm afraid I'm doing this on purpose.
08:35But hurting yourself?
08:36I don't know.
08:37It doesn't seem like all of these things could be accidents.
08:41It's like there is some subconscious drive to punish myself for some unknown...
08:47Otto, what does the name Manfred Schmidt mean to you?
08:54Oh, I've been talking about him for years.
08:58I'm...
08:59Oh, oh, oh.
09:02What?
09:04Manfred Schmidt is Gretchen's fiancée.
09:07Well, he was, until I stole her.
09:11You stole Gretchen?
09:12He was my best friend.
09:15But I was in love with Gretchen, too.
09:18And on the day they were going to elope,
09:20I told Manfred that Gretchen had already gone
09:26and that she would meet him at the train station in Berlin.
09:30Oh, Otto.
09:31Poor Gretchen stood in the rain for hours, devastated.
09:35And then I came along, and I comforted her,
09:38and one thing led to another thing,
09:42and here we are.
09:44Twenty-five years of perfect love.
09:47Built on a lie.
09:48Otto, this is obviously tearing you up inside.
09:52Why don't you just call this guy and apologize
09:54before you really end up hurting yourself?
09:56Francis, I don't think I have the courage.
10:00Besides, now that I know what is behind it,
10:03maybe the problem will go away.
10:08Those are thumbtacks.
10:09Dad, Noah and I were supposed to play together,
10:17but when I got to his house, he wasn't there.
10:20I waited for an hour, but he never showed up.
10:23Don't be so negative.
10:25Maybe he got hurt and was taken to the hospital.
10:28Or maybe his grandmother died.
10:30Oh, and then my guy parachutes, and then shoots your guy.
10:38Oh, I'm cold.
10:40I'm so cold.
10:45Oh, come on, Jamie.
10:47Here comes the airplane.
10:48Come and say aw.
10:49Boy, you know, I think the tension in my neck
10:51was dulling my taste buds.
10:53These hamburgers are amazing, honey.
10:55Well, thank you.
10:56And even with the cheese, it came in for less than $2,800.
11:01Where's the mustard?
11:02I don't know.
11:04Maybe Reese stole it, like he steals everything.
11:07Well, maybe the mustard likes me better.
11:10Maybe the mustard and I have more fun.
11:12You totally stole Noah from me.
11:15Whoa, you can't just change subjects on me.
11:18We were talking about mustard.
11:19I was talking about Noah.
11:22Oh, man, what a great kid.
11:24It's like having a little brother, you know?
11:27He was so proud of me when I beat the crap up
11:29of Craig Jansen for him.
11:31It was a nice moment.
11:33Malcolm, how was your drive today?
11:35Fine.
11:35Just went to the Lucky 8 in back.
11:37That's it, huh?
11:38Yeah.
11:39The Lucky 8 is only two and a half miles each way.
11:43Yet the odometer mysteriously gained 23 miles.
11:46Okay, well, after I dropped Polly off, I took the car by myself.
11:54I'm sorry.
11:55I was just so excited and I wanted to show off, so I drove around the mall.
11:59Well, thank you for being honest with me.
12:03Now give me the permit.
12:04What?
12:05Two months without driving.
12:07But, Mom...
12:07Because you were honest with me, I'm not going to wad this up
12:10and throw it down the garbage disposal.
12:12That's so unfair.
12:13Dad!
12:14Malcolm, you know I always agree with your mother.
12:17Whether or not she holds herself to the same standard.
12:20That's it!
12:47I'm sick of all the noise around here!
12:50Everybody out!
12:51Hal!
12:52You're taking the boys to the movies now!
12:54Everybody up!
12:55Let's go!
12:56Let's go!
13:05Well, I didn't know the movie was going to be sold out.
13:10I'll get the paper.
13:12I didn't want to see the dog movie anyway.
13:15Well, whatever you see after you're back by 7.
13:17Me and Noah are ambushing Kevin Tevens.
13:21Another one?
13:22What are you?
13:22As in Forrester?
13:24It's called being a friend.
13:26Okay, what do you boys want to see?
13:28I don't care.
13:30The real fun is being driven there by my dad.
13:32Come on!
13:33Hey!
13:34What about this one?
13:35There's a review right here.
13:36Sounds good!
13:50Let's go!
13:54Sounds good!
14:04Let's go!
14:06Well, he's missing out on a great job.
14:35Cardio workout.
14:41Malcolm, right?
14:43Who are you?
14:44My name is Danny.
14:46I believe you took something that belongs to me.
14:48What do you think I wouldn't find you?
14:58Do you think you could get away with this?
15:00Do you think I'm stupid?
15:01Do you think this is fun for me?
15:04I don't know what question to answer.
15:06Sinus headache.
15:11The pain makes me furious and the fury makes it more painful and then you just black out and you don't know what you did.
15:18How can I help you?
15:20I want the urn that Polly took.
15:22You want her mother's ashes?
15:24She told you her mother's in there?
15:27My father's in there.
15:30My father, who I loved.
15:33Who went cold turkey for my graduation.
15:36That's who's ashes are in there.
15:39Oh, well...
15:40You are going to give me that urn.
15:43I know where you live.
15:45So listen up.
15:47I'm going to go get an allergy shot.
15:50And right after that, I'm coming over to your house for the ashes.
15:54Well, look at the giant surprise that happened here.
16:03You want to tell me this wasn't a huge waste of money now?
16:07Every tub has a break-in period.
16:09It's just adjusting to our natural body chemistry.
16:12There's a six-inch crust of algae.
16:15The tub is fine.
16:24See?
16:31Absolutely perfect.
16:45You lied to me!
16:47What do you mean?
16:48I just met Danny, and he says his father's ashes are in that urn.
16:52Well, yes, they are.
16:54So you lied!
16:55No, the truth is, it's my mother's ashes, his father's ashes,
17:00the Springer Spaniel that we bought together,
17:02and a cat I had before I met him.
17:04What?
17:05You know how when you move in with somebody,
17:08you mix up your plates and your CDs?
17:11Look, he was acting really, really scary.
17:15Like, psycho-dangerous scary.
17:17Just tell me, do I need to be worried?
17:20Oh, no.
17:21No.
17:23Yes.
17:23Oh, God.
17:25All right.
17:26I've got to think.
17:28I'll think of something.
17:33I couldn't think of anything.
17:35We're out of the city.
17:36You can turn on the headlights.
17:40Okay, his plane landed an hour ago.
17:42He should be here in a minute.
17:44Manfred Schmidt.
17:45What if the fire is still there between him and Gretchen?
17:49Oh, come on, Otto.
17:50You know how much Gretchen loves you?
17:53I can do this.
17:55I will go get Gretchen.
17:57Thank you very much.
18:05Uh, please, make sure my chef finds the kitchen.
18:09Mr. Schmidt, welcome.
18:12Did you have a nice flight?
18:13Ah, yes, thanks.
18:15When you fly your own jet, it always makes the time go so much faster.
18:20Uh, did your wife come with you?
18:22Oh, I never married.
18:24After Gretchen broke my heart, I just couldn't.
18:28Every day I think of what might have been.
18:31And now, thanks to you, what still could be.
18:35Do you think she likes giant diamonds?
18:37Uh, look, there's been a change in plans.
18:46Gretchen isn't here.
18:47I'm afraid she stood you up.
18:49What?
18:50She said she wasn't interested, and then she disappeared.
18:53Tough break.
18:55I don't believe you.
18:56Seriously.
18:57You know how flighty Gretchen can be.
18:59I didn't come all the way from Germany to be turned away by some messenger boy.
19:04I'm not leaving until I see Gretchen.
19:24Otto, why are you being so mysterious?
19:27What is this big, terrible secret?
19:31Well?
19:34Otto, you paid way too much for these earrings.
19:41What?
19:43Okay, my mom says I can stay for dinner.
19:46Cool.
19:47Oh, Dewey, Noah's gonna need your chair.
19:51He's not your friend, Reese.
19:53Noah just made friends with me to get to you,
19:56and he's just using you to beat people up for him.
19:59Reese, take him out.
20:00No, listen.
20:03Last week, three kids beat the crap out of him.
20:06He's not tough enough to get them back, but you are.
20:10You already paid back Kevin Stevens and Craig Jansen.
20:13All that's left is Todd Lemon.
20:16And I took care of him myself.
20:18Here's a piece of his T-shirt.
20:22Here's his retainer with part of a tooth still on it.
20:26And here's my four-day suspension slip.
20:31Wow.
20:31You really nailed him.
20:34Thanks, Dewey.
20:35Go to hell, Reese.
20:38Wait!
20:39So it's just over?
20:41Is that all I was to you?
20:43A couple of fists?
20:45I have some guys you can beat up for me.
20:50It's too soon.
20:54Are you positive Danny won't go to our house?
20:57I told him specifically that he wouldn't find us or the ashes there.
21:01I just hope he checks his messages.
21:04Danny's not hurt!
21:06That doesn't work when he's in the car.
21:11Let go, let go.
21:15What are you doing here?
21:16I'm here to get what's mine.
21:18You had no way to take my father from me.
21:20Oh, your father, please.
21:21When he was sick, you made him live in a junked-out car in the backyard.
21:25That was a LeSabre.
21:27You hear the way she talks to me?
21:29I'm just driving.
21:30We had an agreement.
21:32We said the ashes would stay right by the coffee maker.
21:35And we'd all be together forever.
21:38You and me and our dead ancestors and pets.
21:40Then one day I come home from Drum Circle and you're gone!
21:44Without even saying goodbye!
21:46Danny, you're the one who violated the agreement because you had to dominate every moment of my life.
21:54You even had to cut my hair and I don't like bangs!
21:58Are you insane?
22:00With your bone structure, you...
22:02Never mind.
22:04You're not taking my father.
22:06You can't have my mother.
22:07Give me the ashes!
22:09I will not!
22:11What are you doing?
22:12No!
22:12No!
22:13No!
22:13No!
22:13No!
22:14No!
22:14No!
22:14No!
22:15No!
22:15No!
22:15No!
22:15No!
22:16No!
22:16No!
22:16No!
22:17No!
22:17No!
22:17No!
22:18No!
22:18No!
22:19No!
22:19No!
22:20No!
22:20No!
22:21No!
22:21No!
22:22No!
22:23No!
22:23That is clearly not about the ashes!
22:25It's not?
22:26I think it is.
22:28The problem is your relationship and you're never gonna get past it unless you start talking
22:33to each other like human beings!
22:41I guess I freaked out when you left me without even saying goodbye.
22:50I'm sorry about that.
22:53We both know it had to end.
22:56I just couldn't face hurting you.
23:00You deserved better from me.
23:05You're welcome.
23:08So if there's nobody else back there, I'm just gonna turn around and go home.
23:14You're a heart healer, Malcolm.
23:17I'm pretty sure it's too late for you now, but in the next life, you're gonna really cash
23:22out.
23:23I have to say I've only ever seen this on boats.
23:33I'm gonna have to make some phone calls on this one.
23:37I'm gonna go ahead and say it.
23:44I know you're dying to.
23:49Why do I always have to be the fun killer?
23:51What are you talking about?
23:52Do you know what it's like to be the person in charge of saying no all the time?
24:01I hate it.
24:02Honey, we depend on you for that.
24:04You're the one who keeps us from killing ourselves.
24:08Yes, but all I ever hear is, why can't we?
24:12And you never let us.
24:14I mean, just once.
24:16Can't I be the person who gets to have the fun, crazy idea?
24:21You know what?
24:23Absolutely.
24:25Go ahead.
24:26What do you have in mind?
24:29Well, I can't come up with something just on the spot.
24:34Okay.
24:35This should stunt the algae growth.
24:39This should burn off your outer layer of skin and these pills will gradually kill what's
24:43lodged in your urethra.
24:45It was a kidnapping situation and it wasn't our fault.
24:53Where's mom and dad?
24:55They're not home yet.
24:57Oh my god, this is fate.
24:59We said knock knock and this is the universe saying, who's there?
25:03If they ask, I was here all night.
25:08Oh boys, your mom has a really crazy idea she wants to run by you.
25:13Probably too crazy.
25:15Close.
25:17We are going to have ice cream on the good china.
25:21One.
25:22I'm going to go through.
25:23I'm going to go through.
25:25I'm going to go through.
25:27Wow, that's so good.
25:28A close-go.
25:29Wow, that's so good.
25:30My close-go.
25:31Wow.
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