- 5/5/2025
Malcolm In The Middle Season 5 Episode 17 Polly In The Middle
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00:00place. There's one on your head.
00:03Ha ha!
00:05He's got a little
00:06surprise coming.
00:08Stupid ant.
00:30And you're not so
00:31big. You're not
00:33the boss of me now.
00:36You're not the boss of me
00:37now. You're not the boss
00:40of me now. And you're
00:41not so big.
00:45Life is unfair.
01:00Since Stevie's mom
01:02deserted him, he's been living a little
01:03more dangerously. Yesterday
01:05he read a book in dim light.
01:08Now he's making his first prank
01:09phone call.
01:11Hello.
01:13It's your
01:14refrigerator.
01:19Yeah.
01:21It's me.
01:22We have got to get tickets to this
01:24baseball card convention. You know who's
01:26going to be there? Reggie Jackson,
01:28Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, and
01:30Pete Bukowski.
01:31Pete Bukowski!
01:34Who?
01:34Oh, for the...
01:36Only the first Polish-American
01:38lefty from the Tri-County
01:39area to play two complete seasons
01:42in the majors.
01:43And you call yourselves fans.
01:46It's not in there either.
01:48I can't find my lucky shirt.
01:50Your what?
01:51My lucky shirt.
01:52The shirt that gives me good luck.
01:54I wear it and I'm lucky.
01:57Lucky.
01:58You ever hear anything so stupid?
02:01You're asking me
02:03about luck?
02:06Here it is.
02:07That's better.
02:08I don't know what I would have done
02:10without my lucky shirt.
02:11It's not a lucky shirt.
02:15Hey, look.
02:17An M&M.
02:22Here you go, Abe.
02:23Thank you so much for helping us
02:25bachelors with our laundry, Lois.
02:28Wow, the collars are so crisp.
02:31That's your signature.
02:32Oh, honestly.
02:34It's just a little spray starch
02:35and a firm hand.
02:38So, Abe,
02:39how's the divorce going?
02:40It's a nightmare, Hal.
02:42Kitty is out of control.
02:45She wears these outrageous
02:46miniskirts to court,
02:47flirts with the judge.
02:49What did your lawyer do?
02:50He asked me if she could sit at our table.
02:53Oh.
02:55You know, Abe,
02:56it's been a while.
02:57Maybe you should think about
02:58getting out there again.
02:59Oh, I've taken care of that.
03:01I've decided to spend the rest of my life
03:03in misery and I alone.
03:07Sorry, I was driving home
03:08and knew I wouldn't make it.
03:10This was the nearest safe house.
03:12Hot soup!
03:13I'm taking Jamie to the park.
03:17We're going to look for butterflies
03:19and talk about his birth trauma.
03:23Sounds good.
03:24Oh, uh, Polly, this is Abe.
03:26Hi.
03:28Hi.
03:31Oh, my God.
03:33That woman fell out of the sexy tree
03:36and hit every branch on the way down.
03:39Abe, you dog!
03:41Why don't you ask her out?
03:44Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't.
03:46To be honest,
03:46I didn't even ask Kitty out.
03:49My dad asked her dad
03:50and we gave her family a ham.
03:53But maybe you could ask her for me.
03:57No, I don't do that anymore.
04:00My setups have a way of not working out.
04:04You just told me I should get out there
04:06and now you're crushing my dreams.
04:08Abe, you read about the guy
04:10who woke up in a tub full of ice
04:11with his kidney gone?
04:13One of my setups.
04:14And I had a really good feeling about that one.
04:17Please, I need this.
04:21All right.
04:22But I'm warning you,
04:24I have a really good feeling about this one, too.
04:30Halftime.
04:33Nighty-night!
04:34Oh, if Jamie has that dream again,
04:38I think it's about a bad Teddy.
04:40Try and get him to ride it out.
04:42He's got to defeat that thing.
04:44Got it.
04:45Oh, listen, Polly,
04:47are you doing anything Friday night?
04:50Oh, my God,
04:52I've been dreading this day.
04:55This is what happened on my last job.
04:57Of course, he told me
04:58he only had six months to live
05:00and boy did he live.
05:02No, no, no, Polly, Polly.
05:05I was asking for my friend Abe.
05:07He was here the other day.
05:09Oh, Stevie's dad.
05:11Yeah, oh, he's a great guy.
05:14A lot of fun.
05:15A big heart,
05:16a great personality.
05:18I know he's fat, Hal.
05:20That wasn't...
05:20Oh, no, that's okay.
05:22To tell you the truth,
05:23I prefer big men,
05:25so have him call me.
05:26All right.
05:27But this should not be construed
05:30as a setup in any way
05:31because he was going to ask you out
05:33in the first place.
05:34If you're going to do this,
05:35you need to promise in advance
05:37that you're not going to stalk him
05:38or run him over with a car
05:40or suddenly decide
05:42he looks like your stepbrother
05:43and throw a steam iron at him.
05:46I drifted off Hal, but okay.
05:51And after the movie,
05:52we took off our shoes
05:53and walked barefoot through the mall.
05:55Oh, I tell you, Hal,
05:57I feel like a new man.
05:58Yesterday, I was watching
05:59a Pepe Le Pew cartoon
06:01and I thought,
06:02so he doesn't get the cat.
06:03Is that anything to cry over?
06:05Wow, that is a real breakthrough, eh?
06:08I'm definitely going to see her again.
06:10Well, she's here tomorrow.
06:12I'll ask her...
06:12No, no, I already asked her out.
06:15Myself.
06:16It was amazing.
06:17I was like some magnificent beast.
06:20Now, if you'll excuse me,
06:23I'm going to add my own fabric softener.
06:29Francis, look at this visa bill.
06:32What did we say about expenditures
06:33over $100?
06:34I needed a new hat.
06:39Give me your card.
06:42Piyama, this is stupid.
06:44Give me your card.
06:46Thanks for letting me get ready here, Lois.
07:01Which earrings?
07:03Well, the dangly are a little...
07:04Oh, I was asking Jamie.
07:06I'm sorry, but he's really good at this.
07:11Oh, you're right.
07:12What was I thinking?
07:14I'm so nervous.
07:16This is the third date
07:18and you know what that means.
07:20Well, Polly, you don't...
07:23Oh, no, not that.
07:24I get that out of the way on the first date.
07:27Makes everyone more relaxed.
07:28No, tonight we're going to do tribal scarring
07:31and then go to Ben and Jerry's.
07:34Well, it may not be our idea of romance,
07:38but those two have really hit it off.
07:40And here I was convinced
07:42setting people up was a recipe for disaster.
07:44I was skeptical, too, but you know what?
07:47I was wrong, and I'm happy to admit it.
07:52Hold on, lover boy.
07:55She's not quite...
07:58Craig, hi.
08:00Is Polly ready?
08:03Hi, Craig.
08:04She'll be out in a minute.
08:05Don't you look nice?
08:07Thanks.
08:07I set my flow beyond hot.
08:10Hi.
08:11Mmm, what is that intoxicating fragrance?
08:14Oh, it's Glade.
08:16It suits you.
08:19Have fun, you two.
08:25That's not Abe.
08:26No, that's Craig.
08:27What about it?
08:28She can't be dating Craig.
08:29She's dating Abe.
08:31What are you talking about?
08:32I set up Abe and Polly.
08:35I set up Craig and Polly.
08:39All the time we've been talking about Polly's date,
08:42we've been talking about two different people.
08:44I haven't been.
08:45I clearly remember saying overweight, nearsighted, lonely, lost his kitty.
08:53Oh my god.
08:55I picked up some cold medicine for you.
08:59I told you I'm fine.
09:02You know what happens when you get that scratchy thing in your throats.
09:06I don't need it.
09:08I'm not going to be up all night with you coughing.
09:10Just take it.
09:13Senora.
09:15Senora.
09:16You have to stop telling me what to do.
09:22You are putting me in a horrible position in front of my guys, Piyama.
09:25And it's getting worse.
09:27They're not doing the work?
09:28What?
09:29No, they do plenty of work.
09:30Then what's the problem?
09:32They're teasing me.
09:36The other boys are teasing you.
09:40Let me explain something to you, Piyama.
09:42The whole macho thing is very big in Mexican culture.
09:46No, it's actually big in every culture.
09:50And I'm not buying into it just because these guys are acting like jerks.
10:06I will not be mocked.
10:18Do you hear me?
10:21I'm not kidding.
10:33Clean socks.
10:36Yes, lucky shirt strikes again.
10:39It's not a lucky shirt.
10:42You shouldn't criticize things you're not equipped to understand, Malcolm.
10:46It's a shirt.
10:47It's just fabric.
10:48There's nothing in there but atoms.
10:50Luck atoms?
10:52There are no luck atoms.
10:54Everyone has some kind of luck, Malcolm.
10:56Like you.
10:57You're lucky at taking tests.
11:00I bust my ass to get good grades.
11:03Why does my lucky shirt make you so mad?
11:06Because believing in that kind of nonsense isn't smart or healthy or good for society.
11:12The world doesn't work by magic or superstition.
11:15It's rational.
11:17Maybe you believe that because all you're good at is thinking.
11:21And if the world isn't logical, then you're lost.
11:24Okay, fine.
11:25You know what, Dewey?
11:26Look this.
11:27Ah!
11:28Oh!
11:32This proves nothing.
11:37I can't believe she's seen someone else.
11:41She just came right out and said it like it was no big deal.
11:44Said she didn't want to be chained down.
11:46Chained down.
11:47Can you believe it?
11:48Yeah, I can.
11:50But then I've had some time to process it, Abe.
11:52You told me twice last night and the day before that when you showed up at work.
11:57I sense his presence, Hal.
11:58His essence lingering.
12:00Picture it, Hal.
12:01I want you to picture it.
12:04Her lips on another man's lips.
12:08Not mine.
12:09What's wrong with my lips?
12:13Oh.
12:14I wish I knew who it was.
12:17If I ever find out who it is, I will track him down to his evil lair and...
12:22And...
12:23I'll probably just take a lot of telephoto shots and start dressing like him.
12:29You have to have some Cluedo's identity.
12:31Think, Lois!
12:32Think, you're driving me crazy!
12:35I'm sorry.
12:36You're right.
12:37Absolutely right.
12:39Is he rich?
12:42Famous?
12:42Athletic?
12:44Muscular?
12:46Intellectual?
12:47Slim?
12:48Lit from within by a quiet inner strength and steely resolve?
12:52So unfair.
12:54Why does he have to have my woman?
12:57Oh, God.
12:58It's not that hunk from the calendar holding the tires, is it?
13:02I can't compete with that.
13:04How can I compete with that?
13:06Sure, I've got my joke book, but that really only takes me so far.
13:11Why would God give me a glimpse of paradise just to slam the gate in my face?
13:18God hates me.
13:20I'm so unhappy.
13:22You have to choose, Polly.
13:34I can't.
13:35I keep trying, but it just isn't easy.
13:39Honestly, Lois, as a woman, could you choose between Craig and Abe?
13:45Well, um, thankfully, I don't have to make such a difficult decision, but the important thing
13:53is, Polly, you do.
13:55But it's impossible.
13:56Every time I try and weigh their strengths and attractions, they come out even.
14:03Craig has that sexy self-confidence and love of fantasy play.
14:10And Abe is warm and kind.
14:14And he gets one extra point because he's black.
14:16He just does.
14:17There, I've said it.
14:17Plus, this is all complicated by the fact that I am having the most exciting time of my life
14:24and never want it to end.
14:27But, Polly...
14:27I'm sorry.
14:28I have to go.
14:30I'm meeting Craig for laser tag and then Abe at the cheesecake factory.
14:35You know, if society weren't so hung up, we'd have the solution.
14:40Okay, we're just going to have to help make the decision for her.
14:47You're right.
14:48Can you get Abe to back off?
14:50What?
14:50Why, Abe, why can't you get Craig to back off?
14:53Craig will fall apart.
14:55Abe can take it.
14:56He's more mature.
14:57The man sleeps with a nightlight, Lois.
14:59Eight hours, hell.
15:01For eight hours, I had to watch Craig practice revenge faces.
15:06Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
15:07This is crazy.
15:08We shouldn't be fighting.
15:09We should just stay out of this whole thing.
15:12You're right.
15:13You're right.
15:14They're both our friends.
15:15One of them will screw up eventually.
15:18Exactly.
15:19I just wish I could stop picturing this sex.
15:26Pete Bukowski never got discouraged, even when he got sent down to the minors for the fifth time.
15:32He just shrugged and grinned that granny hat and said, hey, what the hey?
15:37It was like his catchphrase.
15:39Look, goosebumps.
15:41Great, Mom.
15:42We're going to go find Reggie Jackson.
15:44Okay, but don't miss Pete Bukowski.
15:46He's only appearing at 1130, 1215, 1, 230, 315, 430, and 6.
15:55Thanks so much for inviting me.
15:57I really needed something to take my mind off of my love life.
16:02Well, that's why God invented baseball.
16:05And war.
16:06Look, Pete will come to your birthday party.
16:09Be sure to turn in your ticket stubs to be eligible for a chance to win Reggie Jackson's 450th home run ball.
16:17I thought they said I'd be roped off.
16:25I won't let you touch the ball, but I will let you touch my hand after my hand has touched the ball.
16:31Shut up, Dewey.
16:33You know what?
16:34If you win, I will kiss Reese's butt on that stage.
16:37Deal shake.
16:38No takebacks.
16:40Fine.
16:44Any rituals you go through before a big game?
16:47Come on.
16:50You could talk to me.
16:53What?
16:54Does it violate your precious chicken code?
16:56Hell, come on.
16:58The guy gets too big to talk to the fans who made him.
17:02Hell.
17:04Lois.
17:06Pauly.
17:08What an incredible coikidink.
17:11Hi, Craig.
17:12Hi, Craig.
17:14Hey, Pauly, we'll take Jamie for a while if you two want to spend some time together.
17:19Mmm.
17:21We had an agreement.
17:23How dare you, Lois.
17:24Pauly.
17:26What an unbelievable surprise.
17:30Think how humiliated Ape, who coincidentally just arrived, is going to feel.
17:35Hi, Ape.
17:36Hi.
17:38Well, well, well, well.
17:41Pauly, you remember my crippled son, Stevie, who lost his mother?
17:47I'm...
17:48me.
17:50Hey, Ape.
17:51Stevie.
17:51Craig.
17:52Nice to see you.
17:53My golly, isn't this gut-wrenching.
17:57Pauly, are you okay?
17:59Fine.
17:59I just seem to be having an out-of-body experience, which my shaman would be very proud of, but
18:06I think I'm going to be falling down now.
18:08Oh, I've got you, baby.
18:10He's here, angel.
18:14You.
18:16Boys, please, please.
18:18Now, every conflict invites a dark angel and an angel of light, so let's summon an angel
18:26of light.
18:27I have waited for this moment.
18:36Not as much as I have.
18:39How do you know how much I have?
18:41Ape, come on.
18:42No, Hal.
18:42He's made a fool of me for the last time.
18:46Craig, don't do this.
18:47I will not stand by and let him put the horns on me, Lois.
18:51Oh, my God, they're killing each other.
19:08Oh, my God.
19:34Get him.
19:36Dad.
19:37Slap him.
19:38Silly.
19:40Had enough, Bellspar?
19:42I haven't begun to have enough.
19:45To have had enough.
19:46Time out.
19:47Time out.
19:54Time in.
20:04Here's your tuna sandwich that you wanted.
20:19Thanks.
20:19I just hope I got it for you fast enough, because I know when my man gets hungry, he wants to
20:25eat right away.
20:27And that's my job, to make my man happy.
20:34Well, I hope so, too.
20:43And let's just hope this isn't a repeat of the last time.
20:47I mean, let's face it, that sandwich was a joke.
20:50Let's not turn a favor into something that you'll regret.
20:54As a matter of fact, I think I would prefer this toasted.
20:59And I'd like to see a little garnish this time.
21:04And I'd like you to think about a certain special thing that you love that's never
21:09going to happen again.
21:13No, honey, wait!
21:14I'm sorry!
21:15I'm sorry!
21:16I'm sorry!
21:17I'm sorry!
21:18I'm sorry!
21:19I'm sorry!
21:20I'm sorry!
21:21I'm sorry!
21:22I'm sorry!
21:23And I'm sorry to hear you.
21:26Hey Reg, Piperkowski, Polish splinter.
21:32God, I hate these things. All the fans wouldn't a piece of you. Always getting mobbed.
21:37Yeah, yeah. What do you want me to sign?
21:40Just this ball. And the 12 shirts in this box.
21:47Anything you want me to sign?
21:49Okay, the Reggie Jackson home run ball will be raffled off in one minute.
21:55I think I'll put it on the mantle.
21:57Right after Malcolm Plants went on my butt.
22:00It's a stupid bet. Yeah, but if he wins, you're doing it.
22:04Your brother bet you he'd win the ball?
22:06He thinks he has a lucky shirt.
22:08Lucky shirt? When I was in Little League, I had a pair of smelly old lucky socks that I wore all summer.
22:15Pretty done, huh?
22:16Yeah.
22:17I had 475 with 50 home runs that season.
22:22Don't let him welch, kid.
22:24I won't, Reggie.
22:26When Dewey wins, you pucker up and I will too.
22:31Stop this!
22:59Then you have to choose.
23:03Yeah! Choose!
23:05A or me? The dumpy loser or the one who loves you?
23:09I'm the one who loves you.
23:11Don't fall for his smooth line. I love you more.
23:14Okay, okay. I choose.
23:16Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
23:18Jamie!
23:20I'm sorry, but my career's what's important to me.
23:24You guys have been a distraction.
23:26An unbelievable carnal delight, but a distraction nonetheless.
23:31Babysitting is the only thing I'm really good at.
23:35Oh, where's the baby?
23:41Oh, my God.
23:43Jamie!
23:45Oh, my God.
23:47Dude!
23:48�
24:16And the winner is...
24:20Give me that!
24:23You're knocking out of kissing my butt!
24:25Give me back my lucky shirt!
24:27It's not a lucky shirt!
24:38Shut up, Dewey.
24:40Oh, my God!
24:46Pete Bukowski saved my baby!
24:49Glad I could help, ma'am.
24:51Want to buy an autographed Reggie Jackson shirt?
24:57It isn't the jacket that smells.
24:59There was a fried apple pie in the pocket.
25:01Oh, thanks, Lois.
25:02So where are you players headed tonight?
25:04The rusty scupper.
25:06Uh-oh! We better get a wiggle on, Craig.
25:08Happy Hour starts in 20 minutes,
25:10and the ladies won't wait.
25:12They'll wait for you in those new chinos.
25:14I won't have a chance with you in your leather jacket.
25:17Not if they get a load of fuel.
25:21Uh-uh! Come on!
25:22How you gonna get on the scene?
25:25Like a sex machine.
25:27We just round the fight.
25:28Mmm!
25:29Hey, hey, hey, hey!
25:32Trivia!
25:33Transcription by CastingWords
26:03Transcription by CastingWords
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