- 5/19/2025
Malcolm In The Middle Season 7 Episode 9 Malcolm Defends Reese
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TVTranscript
00:00Rhys, are you trying to sneak out?
00:03No! I'm trying to get comfortable in this crappy bed if you don't mind.
00:07Fine. Then you won't mind if I stand right out here in the hall until I see you go to sleep.
00:23She can't stay awake all night.
00:30Yes, no, maybe. I don't know. Can you repeat the question?
00:45You're not the boss of me now. You're not the boss of me now.
00:50You're not the boss of me now. And you're not so big.
00:56Life is unfair.
00:58Fascinating timeline, Rhys.
01:00So, let's see. It was the moon landing.
01:02It was the moon landing. The war of 1812.
01:04Then the Lincoln-Kennedy shootout.
01:06It was the moon landing. The war of 1812. Then the Lincoln-Kennedy shootout.
01:11Fascinating timeline, Reese
01:25So, let's see
01:26It was the moon landing
01:28The war of 1812
01:30Then the Lincoln-Kennedy shootout
01:33It's embarrassing enough
01:38Having Reese in my class this year
01:39What's worse is Hercuby's made him his personal whipping boy
01:43Reese, I'm just looking through my notes here
01:46And it appears that that was your 20th wrong answer in a row
01:49And you know what that means, don't you?
01:51Monkey dance, monkey dance, monkey dance, monkey dance
01:57Your first right answer
01:58Well, let's not leave your audience waiting
02:00Monkey dance, monkey dance, monkey dance, monkey dance
02:05Wait, Reese, stop
02:09This isn't right
02:10Okay, continue
02:16Oh, it's loud, it's me, Claire
02:27Hey, come on in
02:29Hi, sweetie
02:32Claire, you are a godsend
02:36Thank you for taking him on such short notice
02:38Is this schedule going to work for you?
02:40Oh, good Lord, Lois
02:42Any schedule works for me
02:43Hey, what have I got to do with my time?
02:46Poke around a big empty house
02:48Waiting for one of my kids to call
02:49You both know that's not going to happen
02:52Boy, you know, you raise them
02:53You put them through college
02:55You loan them money to buy a house
02:56And suddenly they don't need you anymore
02:58God forbid you should express a need to them
03:01Well, I could tell you stories
03:03Bet you could
03:04Yeah
03:05Well, again, thank you
03:07I'm glad to do it
03:08Honestly
03:09Takes my mind off my shingles
03:12Good Lord, you never felt pain like that
03:15In all your waking days
03:16It's just dreadful
03:18Did I tell you about the pain?
03:20I think you did this
03:21It's worse than my arthritis
03:22Which is crippling
03:23It feels like someone's stabbing you all over
03:26With tiny razor-sharp knives
03:29Oh, pray God
03:29You never get it, Lois
03:31Listen to me just going on and on about myself
03:35Wind me up and I can talk all day
03:38Well, like I said
03:41I have a million things to do
03:42You know, so do I
03:44So do I
03:45I have laundry stacked up
03:47Just waiting for me
03:49And I have so neglected my scrapbooking
03:51That it's a scandal
03:52Do you scrapbook, Lois?
03:55They've got these really cute kits
03:56It's a lot of fun
03:57My niece, Terry
03:59Well, she prefers Theresa
04:01But she's a Terry
04:02Anyway, she got me started on it
04:04Well, what else is she going to do with herself?
04:06She's barren, poor thing
04:08You're still mad at me?
04:11I threw it in my head, Dad
04:13It was a brushback pitch, Dewey
04:15I got to protect the plate
04:16Or you're going to be taking me downtown all day
04:18Hi
04:20Hi
04:21Did you do your vocab?
04:25Yeah
04:25It wasn't so bad
04:26Yeah, it was pretty easy
04:28Yeah
04:29So I'll see you in school?
04:31Talk to you later
04:32What was that about?
04:39That's Gina
04:40She's from my class
04:41You like her?
04:43I don't know
04:44I guess so
04:46Well, you played it cool, son
04:49Maybe too cool
04:54Feel this shoulder, Lois
04:58It's like a sack of burning jelly in there
05:00Go ahead, give it a squeeze
05:01It is spongier than the thing on your back
05:05Hal, you're home
05:08Hi, honey
05:08Hi, Hal
05:09Hello
05:10This is Clara, Jamie's new babysitter
05:13I just moved to Franklin's old house
05:15Hey, that's a nice place
05:16It is, it is, on the outside
05:18Of course, it's full of dry rot
05:20I must have called the guy 50 times
05:22Clara's just leaving
05:23Well, heck, why don't you stay and have dinner with us?
05:26No, no
05:27Gotta run
05:27I hope it wasn't too much trouble cooking for my special diet, Lois
05:35It's been a bit of an adjustment
05:37After the doctors took out six feet of my colon
05:40You know what I call it now
05:44My semicolon
05:46My semicolon
05:48Claire, I really have to go to sleep now
05:52Oh, God, I wish I could sleep
05:54I toss and turn all night
05:57I start off on my stomach
05:58Then I flip over to my back
06:01No, wait, no
06:02I start on my back
06:03I flip over to my stomach
06:05I don't know
06:07I can't think anymore
06:09Is it?
06:13See?
06:14I'm sorry, Reese, that's incorrect
06:17Hammy?
06:19Yes!
06:20Poor Ticonderoga is correct
06:22I was looking for a close race
06:24But, Hammy, you've really run away with this thing
06:27I'm sorry, that's all the time we have today
06:30But join us again tomorrow
06:31For another exciting installment of
06:33What is Dumber Than Reese?
06:47You're nothing but a bully and a sadist, you know that?
06:50How could you possibly take any satisfaction in humiliating Reese?
06:54It's Reese!
06:55You have to stop this now!
06:57Well, well, well, that took you long enough
06:59What?
07:00I've been trying to get your attention since the semester began
07:03I'm surprised you didn't say something last week
07:05When Reese was curled up in a fetal ball under my desk
07:08What do you want from me?
07:11Come with me
07:12I wanted my senior year
07:16The football trophy?
07:19Behind me
07:19The soccer trophy?
07:22Behind that
07:23There's just a bunch of crappy ribbons
07:27Behind the spelling bee award
07:29That thing that looks like it broke off that nether trophy?
07:32I cannot be responsible for the myopic value
07:35This sports-obsessed administration places on academic achievement
07:39But that little plaque represents the highest GPA in the history of the school
07:42And it is mine, Malcolm
07:44All mine
07:45So what?
07:47So what?
07:48I had to work hard for that plaque
07:51I had to score higher than Edna Fornby
07:53Who'd held the title for 38 years
07:56A towering intellect blind since birth
07:59Went on to be a Rhodes Scholar
08:00Really classy lady
08:03Cried like a baby when I took it from her
08:07What a night
08:09And now you are on track to take it from me
08:13That's your point
08:14I can't let that happen
08:16And if you don't want to see me destroy your brother every day
08:21For the rest of the year
08:23You won't let it happen
08:25Are you serious?
08:26As a heart attack
08:28Now, I can't just give you a B
08:31People are watching
08:32For some reason, I rub people the wrong way
08:35But that doesn't stop you from tanking the course on your own
08:39Are you really that shallow and petty?
08:41You have no idea
08:43So, you know, take a few days
08:47Think it over
08:48It'll give me more time to think up some challenges for Reese
08:52Do you think hot coals would set off the sprinkler system?
08:56I don't know
08:57Lois, I was just going to bring Jamie home
09:01Thought I'd save you the trip
09:03Come on, Jamie
09:04Thanks, Claire
09:05See you tomorrow
09:06Won't you come in?
09:07I'd love to, but I have such a busy schedule
09:09I understand
09:11I understand
09:11Busy, busy, busy
09:16No one has any time anymore
09:18Oh my goodness, I walked you all the way home
09:21You get out of those work clothes and I'll make some tea
09:24Hey, Dewey
09:30Look at this
09:32I got the microwave to work without closing the door
09:36That's great, Dad
09:38So, did you, uh, talk to Gina?
09:43No
09:44Oh
09:45It's just that you said he would talk to her later
09:50And, I mean, if I remember, she remembers
09:54Maybe I'll talk to her tomorrow
09:55Tomorrow?
09:57See, Dewey, if I'm Gina, I don't know what's going on
10:01It's no big deal, Dad
10:02Dewey
10:03Come here
10:06Look
10:07I know it's not easy figuring this stuff out
10:12You want to be with her, but you just don't know what to say
10:15And you feel like such a doofus
10:17I know
10:19So here's what you're going to do
10:20You're going to go in the house right now
10:22And call her
10:23Right now?
10:25Or you could wait till you're old, toothless, alone
10:28Living in a welfare hotel
10:30Hoping the couple screaming next door invites you over to dinner sometime
10:34It's up to you
10:36It's called leaky gut
10:40Hell!
10:44Why don't we go out to dinner?
10:46Doesn't that sound good?
10:47Well, I'm helping Dewey with a project, huh?
10:49Why don't you go with Claire?
10:51When it's quiet, you can hear it dripping
10:54Hear that?
11:00You ready?
11:02No, wait
11:03I need more time
11:04Believe me
11:05I have been through it
11:06You just want to run away
11:08Hide under the covers
11:09And cry
11:10But you know what?
11:12That's how you know you're a man
11:14Hello?
11:20Gina, hi, this is Dewey's dad
11:33He just called to say that he was thinking of you
11:40Oh, and he thinks that homework is dumb
11:43Really?
11:45She thinks homework is dumb, too?
11:49Wow!
12:00Reese, I think it's terrible what Herkaby's been putting you through in class
12:04I really feel bad about the way he's treating you
12:08Oh, but I could make you feel worse
12:11I thought it over
12:15What happened to your lip?
12:18Reese
12:19He's a troubled young man
12:21God knows I tried my best with him
12:23But you can't let that fact poison you
12:26Relax
12:26I'm gonna do it
12:27You will
12:28Reese can't help who he is
12:29And you can't help being a jerk
12:31I'm the only one who has the choice over what I do
12:33So, yeah
12:35I'll take your sick little deal
12:37So you can keep your pathetic, meaningless plaque
12:39Thank you, Malcolm
12:40I know that you think that this compromise victory will taste like ashes
12:44In my mouth
12:45But
12:45There's something I learned a long time ago
12:49Ashes don't taste that bad
12:52Okay, class
12:55We'll start this morning with an oral quiz
12:58Who was the victor in the disputed presidential election of 1896?
13:06Um
13:06Malcolm?
13:13Surely you know this
13:15Tilden
13:19What was that?
13:20Tilden
13:21That's incorrect
13:24What an idiot
13:28Monkey dance
13:30Monkey dance
13:32Monkey dance
13:33Monkey dance
13:34Monkey dance
13:35Monkey dance
13:37We have a problem
13:50What?
13:50Some wavy-haired blonde boy was chatting up Gina at the bike racks after school
13:55Don't you work, Dad?
13:57Never mind that
13:58The point is, you should have been there
14:00It's probably Stefan
14:02He's no threat
14:04I saw him, Dewey
14:05He's an ototus
14:07Okay, what you need here is some sort of romantic gesture
14:11What do you mean?
14:12Just off the top of my head
14:14You could send her a nice box of expensive chocolates
14:16Not sure
14:17Too late
14:18You already did
14:19You just dropped off a big box on her front doorstep
14:22Rang the bell and ran like hell
14:24You also trampled some of her rose bushes
14:26Congratulations, son
14:28You're in the game
14:30Al, I have to do something about Claire
14:34She is driving me crazy
14:37Oh, Al, that is so sweet
14:43It's not for you
14:44Didn't you learn your lesson with Frances?
14:50That Jenny Thompson was a stuck-up snot
14:53Hell, I have bigger problems
14:54I cannot stand that woman
14:57Which normally isn't an issue
14:59Except I can't afford to tell her off and lose her
15:02She's good with Jamie
15:04She's right down the street
15:05She's incredibly cheap
15:07She'd be perfect if she weren't the most annoying person on the face of the planet
15:11I feel like the top of my head is going to explode if I hear her say another word
15:15What rhymes with dreamy?
15:17Hell, for God's sake
15:18I heard what you said, Lois
15:21Look, you just have to completely disengage with her
15:24Take Jamie when she drops him off
15:26Nod pleasantly
15:28You can even smile
15:29And then slam the door in her face
15:31And don't beat yourself up over it
15:33Some people are just crazy
15:35Do we have any fun stickers?
15:38B minus?
15:49Ha!
15:50I get better than you
15:51For the first time
15:53Wait
15:54Never mind
15:59Fuck off
16:03Now I'll only 12 more weeks
16:04And then I'll back off and let you pick the course you want to tank
16:07Hey, we're not in your stupid class anymore, right?
16:10Will you just leave me alone?
16:12Whoa
16:12A sullen rebuke
16:14What a bonus
16:15You know, I might make them get me a bigger plaque when I beat you, Malcolm
16:19Ugh
16:21How can they let it get so dingy?
16:24Hey, Slick
16:25Instead of pushing dust around over there
16:28Why don't you polish up these trophies?
16:30It's disgraceful
16:31You know, I'll admit
16:33It wasn't easy beating old Formby
16:36Of course, she had the added advantage of being blinded and club-footed
16:39No distractions
16:40But still, I had to bust my hump that last semester
16:43You know, instead of seventh-period gym, I created my own AP class
16:48While those crow-magnons were chasing balls and sweating like swine
16:51I was sitting in an air-conditioned room with my tie on loose, disgusting renaissance poetry
16:57You wore a suit to school?
16:59And a silk handkerchief
17:01They hated me because I made them look ridiculous
17:05Okay, Dewey, you set the table with a box of candy
17:12Now it's time to reap your reward
17:14She's not gonna feel like I'm trying to buy her
17:17Is she?
17:18Let me teach you a valuable lesson about women, Dewey
17:21They think they deserve everything you give them
17:24They all like to think they're special
17:26Even the ones that aren't
17:28Now go
17:29You can do it, son!
17:40Yes?
17:41Um
17:42Is Gina home?
17:45Are you the kid that sent her the candy?
17:48Um
17:48Maybe
17:50Don't you know she's allergic to nuts?
17:56Oh
17:56Oh, God
17:59Hello, Lois
18:07Hi, sweetie
18:09I made you a snack in the kitchen
18:11What a day
18:13Jamie was fine
18:15But I got that horrible ringing in my ear
18:18It was just dreadful
18:19Do you ever get that?
18:21Oh, you're blessed if you don't
18:23I never notice those cushions before
18:26They're darling
18:27What'd you pay for them?
18:29It looks uncomfortable
18:30Mind if I try them out?
18:31I'd like you to go now, Claire
18:32Oh, good
18:33Because I have a ton of things to do
18:35You know how it is, though
18:36Something always comes up
18:38What I would like is for you to be in your own house now
18:41Boy, so would I
18:43I really have to clean my bathroom tile grout
18:46It's disgusting
18:47Get your fat butt out of my house
18:51Oh, Lois, you're so funny
18:55Although I could lose a little weight here
18:57Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out
19:00Get out
19:02How?
19:04Where did that come from?
19:06I have put up with this this long
19:08Because I needed you for Jamie
19:09But I've had it, lady
19:11I'll send you a check for the money I owe you
19:13And after that, I never want to see your face again
19:16Oh, well, now, I've
19:17Hey, I'm glad we finally got all that out in the open
19:31Because now that we know we have issues
19:33We can talk about them
19:34You can't do this
19:40Just because I missed one stupid gym class
19:43It is a dark day
19:50For North High
19:52But given recent information that has come to our attention
19:56Regarding the previous GPA record holder
19:59And his failure to meet the physical education requirement
20:03I have no choice
20:04I take no pleasure
20:07In the pain this unfortunate incident has caused
20:11But rules are rules
20:14So, I am directing that this plaque be returned to Edna Thornby
20:21Who, though blind and crippled, managed to pass Jim
20:26Tough break, Mr. Hercubee
20:31I know it was you, Malcolm
20:33And I wouldn't be so quick to gloat
20:35I'm not defeated yet
20:36I am like Napoleon at St. Helena
20:38Plotting my return
20:39You mean Alba
20:41He died on St. Helena
20:42Oh, shut up
20:43I have to call Mother before she hears it from someone else
20:46Hey, honey
20:50Hell, it's terrible
20:55What happened?
20:57Claire died
20:58What?
21:01Her sister just called
21:02I guess no one really saw it coming
21:04I feel so bad
21:06Are you making cookies?
21:12Snickerdoodles
21:12Boy, life is so precarious, isn't it?
21:17You know, just yesterday she was sitting right here
21:20And that
21:20Hey, Al, you know what I just thought of?
21:24We never go dancing
21:26Why don't we go dancing tonight?
21:28Doesn't that sound like fun?
21:29Yeah, sure
21:31I guess
21:34Excuse me, honey
21:38You okay?
21:46No
21:47You know, I've been thinking
21:56Maybe she's not the right girl for you
21:59She sure has made this hard on us
22:02There's no us, Dad
22:04It's you
22:05Every idea you have about girls is wrong
22:09How was I ever born?
22:11Well, by that time
22:13Your mother was pretty much stuck in the relationship
22:16Thanks a lot, Dad
22:18I liked Gina
22:19I really did
22:22I'm sorry, Dewey
22:24I feel terrible
22:25Maybe there's some way I can help you
22:27No
22:27Okay
22:28Right
22:29I will stay out of it
22:31I can make this right
22:34I have better candy
22:36You'll like this candy
22:39It's really good
22:41Come on
22:42Just hop in the car
22:43Come on
22:45Give me a break
22:47Don't you remember your first love?
22:53What are you doing here?
22:58Reclaiming
22:59What is rightfully mine?
23:00Once I complete this course
23:01They'll be forced to reinstate me
23:03You can't take our class 20 years later
23:05Who is being petty now, Malcolm?
23:08No, no, no
23:08You will soon discover what my cable guy learned the hard way
23:11You can't defeat Lionel Hercubey
23:14You see, Malcolm
23:14Hey, Mr. Hercubey
23:19How do you like dodgeball?
23:21Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait
23:22You were just making yourself look weak and foolish
23:28I might stop hitting you if you dance like a monkey
23:31Wait
23:33Wait
23:35You call that a monkey dance?
23:40Oh
23:41Some things you don't do for trophies
23:47You treasure them here
23:49Where it counts the most
23:51You think that hurt?
23:54That didn't hurt
23:55Oh, God
23:57No one can take that away
24:01Oh
24:02Hi
24:18Hi
24:19Your dad's really weird
24:26You have no idea
24:29You want to eat lunch together tomorrow?
24:34Okay
24:34Bye
24:36Bye
24:37Sorry to bother you
24:44I'm Claire's sister, Donna
24:46Oh, hi
24:48Hi
24:49Come on in
24:50I don't want to impose
24:52I just want to thank you for being so nice to my sister
24:56She often spoke of you
24:57Oh, well, you know, I thought the world of her
25:00Come on now, Lois
25:01I think we both know that Claire required a certain amount of patience
25:06Am I right?
25:10Anyway, you wouldn't believe the flight I took coming here
25:13First, they grounded the plane
25:15Which, you know, you think better they do that than trying to fly it with something wrong
25:19Then they said they're going to fix it
25:21And I'm thinking, oh
25:22You know, Donna, I'm sorry, but you happen to catch me at a really busy time
25:26Oh, you think you're busy?
25:28Try planning a funeral
25:29Not that I'm complaining
25:31I'm thinking I'm thinking I...
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