- 5/19/2025
Malcolm In The Middle Season 7 Episode 10 Malcolm's Money
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TVTranscript
00:00What are those kids complaining about?
00:21Yes, no, maybe. I don't know. Can you repeat the question?
00:34You're not the boss of me now. You're not the boss of me now. You're not the boss of me now. And you're not so big. You're not the boss of me now. You're not the boss of me now.
00:51You're not the boss of me now. And you're not so big. Life is unfair.
01:08Four, three, two, brown. Clear. Brown again.
01:21Good. What about this watch, Dad? It's only $12.99.
01:26That's where they get you, son. See, it says $12.99, but that doesn't include the hidden costs. Shipping, handling, box tops. By the time you're through, you're paying on the high side of $15. I've never owned a $15 watch.
01:41But I need one, Dad. Son, a cork and a piece of string make a perfectly fine sundial. And a great conversation piece with the ladies.
01:51Welcome.
01:52Welcome. Aren't you having your yearbook picture tagging today?
01:56Yep.
01:57Well, don't you think it'd be nice to get a little dressed up for it?
02:01Why? I'm never going to see these people again. They're just a bunch of shallow jerks who don't care about anything but who's instant messaging who? And who's going to the stupid moonlight dance?
02:10Bunch of kids in formal clothes, barefoot on the beach. It's just pathetic. I wouldn't have gone even if they told me about it.
02:18Here's your uniform, Reese. You're really lucky you got your old job back again.
02:22Lucky? They had me on the delivery route hauling stuff around all day. At least when I worked in the slaughterhouse, there were breaksave a couple of hours to find guys' fingers.
02:31Okay, next. Hey man, is my tie straight? Yeah. Wow. Everyone's taking these yearbook pictures pretty seriously, huh?
02:43Are you kidding? This is how everyone's going to remember us for the rest of our lives.
02:48Yeah, it's like a time capsule. I mean, our children are going to look at these pictures years from now to see what we used to be like.
02:56Isn't that right, sweetie? Yes. Yes, it is.
03:06Great. Next.
03:09Oh, another rebel, huh? What?
03:12I get it, kid. The t-shirt, the scowl. You're a tough guy. You're dangerous. I see that a lot with your scrawny ones.
03:19No, that's not... Come on, Chachi. Let's get it over with.
03:23I made a mistake. I'd like to...
03:28Ooh. Take that, society.
03:32Next.
03:38Hi, Dewey. How was school?
03:40Terrible. I missed the school bus because I didn't know what time it was. And then I was late for a spelling test because I didn't know what time it was. And then David Klausner beat me up because I didn't know what time it was.
03:53You want to know what time it is, Dewey? It's half past, a roof over your head, clean clothes, and three meals a day. That's what time it is.
04:01Let me tell you something, Mom. The roof leaks, the clothes are hand-me-downs, and the food stinks.
04:06Rome!
04:07Dirty!
04:10This is interesting. Our credit card company sent us a collection notice and an application for a new card.
04:16Oh, my God.
04:20What is it?
04:22It's a check for Malcolm for $10,000.
04:25What? You're joking.
04:27No, no, no. It says it's from the McClellan Fellowship Genius Grant to further his education. No strings attached.
04:34I can't believe it. This is fantastic.
04:37It's amazing. Never seen so many zeros on that side of the decimal point.
04:42Can you imagine what he could do with that?
04:44Yeah, imagine what anyone could do with that.
04:48Imagine what we could do with that.
04:50What are you talking about?
04:52Nothing.
04:54All I'm saying is that we can do a lot with this kind of money.
04:59But it's not ours, Hal. It's Malcolm's.
05:01Of course it's Malcolm's.
05:03But we have to take a moment to think about what a teenager is going to do with $10,000.
05:09Well, you know he's just gonna blow it all on Legos and penny candy.
05:15Besides, it's not like Dr. Brainiac isn't gonna get a free ride to whatever college he wants to go to, right?
05:21I don't think I like where this is going, Hal.
05:24Lois, all I'm thinking about is protecting Malcolm.
05:27I mean, sure, he's got that brilliant mind, but right now it is being held hostage by gallons of crazy teenage hormones.
05:38All I'm saying is maybe we should hold on to this for a little while before we decide what to do with it.
05:44Yeah, but Hal, but...
05:46Thanks, Mom, for letting me go to picture day dressed like this.
05:49You made me look like a total jackass.
05:51It's not your picture.
05:52You don't care what I look like.
05:55Any mail for me?
06:00No.
06:02Don't forget these plants are normal.
06:07Maybe you have an dormitory...
06:09Jeez, my feet are killing me.
06:11I told you.
06:12You gotta let the blood drip into your shoes.
06:15Once it coagulates, then it's like walking on puffy clouds.
06:22Look at all these people.
06:24Sitting here just waiting for death.
06:26Yeah, I'd like to show those animal rights wackos this place.
06:29this place. This is exactly
06:31what would happen to cows if it wasn't
06:33for us. Wait here
06:35I'm going to get someone to sign for the delivery
06:37Thanks for beating Hitler
06:55Now we're going to watch something else
06:57Thank you
07:03This is pretty sweet
07:07Man it's true they say
07:08Old age is wasted on the old
07:11Hell there's nobody home
07:25We can't be too careful
07:26Meet me at the clothesline
07:28See Hal you know this is wrong
07:36You're acting like you have something to hide
07:38What are you talking about? It's a beautiful day
07:41Since when is it a crime to get some fresh air?
07:44No I thought about it and it is just wrong
07:46We're giving that money back to Malcolm
07:48Besides the check is made out to him
07:51The bank probably wouldn't even
07:52Put that away
07:57No way
08:00Let me see it again
08:01Oh my god
08:03No
08:05We are not going to do this
08:07Honey you are looking at this all wrong
08:10We will pay him back
08:12We are like a bank
08:14And banks don't give you back the same exact money that you gave them
08:18They use it and then pay you back with different money later on
08:22It's what makes our economy the envy of the world
08:25I don't know it just seems wrong
08:26Look at it as a forced savings plan
08:30We're actually doing him a favor
08:32Lois I can honestly say that I was not a good father to Malcolm until I forged his signature on that check
08:40And we're going to pay him back right?
08:45Absolutely
08:46Every cent we spend
08:47Plus interest
08:49With no hidden handling fees
08:51Okay
09:01Good
09:02Honey we have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of here
09:06Okay you go back into the house
09:09I'll follow in 30 seconds
09:10Go on
09:12Good
09:14Next
09:15Sorry pal you had your chance
09:18No you have to take my picture again
09:20Please
09:20I thought I didn't care what people think of me
09:23But I do
09:24I really do
09:25Look kid
09:26I'm making 20 cents ahead
09:28And reshoots come out of my pocket
09:30That adds up to
09:31I don't give a crap
09:33Don't blame me that you're a no talent clown
09:35Who couldn't even cut it at Sears
09:37I'm not going anywhere until you take my picture
09:40Fine
09:42Let's go
09:43Let's just get rid of some of that shine
09:47What did you do?
10:01I look terrible
10:03Looks pretty good to me
10:04But that's just one clown's opinion
10:07Next
10:07I am sitting on top of the world
10:29Just rolling along
10:32Just rolling along
10:35And I am quitting
10:39The blues of the world
10:43Just singing a song
10:46Just singing a song
10:49Aren't you the meat delivery guy?
11:05What the hell are you doing here?
11:08I
11:08Um
11:09He's my grandson
11:11He's here visiting me
11:14Hi grandma
11:19It's great to see you
11:22They can drop the act kid
11:24I haven't lost my marbles
11:26I just like seeing someone have some fun around here
11:31Clothesline
11:36I got an estimate for the new pipes
11:44Think of it Hal
11:46Clean water on demand
11:48The decision of hot or cold water
11:50Entirely up to us
11:51Yes
11:52Well we could spend the money on new pipes
11:55Or
11:56We could put a down payment on her
12:00Where'd you get this?
12:02At the boat show
12:03The boat show?
12:04Lois
12:04I was on my way to work
12:06When all of a sudden
12:06I see this giant billboard for the boat show
12:10Only 60 miles away
12:12Now
12:13I'm not saying there's an invisible hand guiding our lives
12:17But
12:17What are the odds?
12:19We're not wasting the money on a boat
12:21It's not wasting
12:23It's investing
12:24A boat is a money maker, Lois
12:27Do you know how many opportunities we have missed out on
12:30Because we weren't traveling in the right circles?
12:33Where are all the connections being made?
12:36The elbows being rubbed
12:37The deals going down
12:39The yacht club
12:41Forget it
12:42We're not spending Malcolm's money on a boat
12:45That's final
12:46Lois
12:49Come out
12:50You're looking at this the wrong way
13:02It's not Malcolm's money anymore
13:04Until we pay him back
13:06It's ours
13:08All right
13:11Maybe I was reaching too far with the big one
13:13But just take a look at these
13:15Huh?
13:20You can choose the wave skimmer
13:22Or the weekender
13:24What do you think?
13:30I like this one
13:31Unbelievable
13:40You know what's going on, Mom?
13:42How can he do this to me?
13:43Wait, Malcolm
13:43I know it looks bad
13:45But let me explain
13:46Don't try and stick up for him, Mom
13:47Oh, Malcolm
13:48I know
13:49He's not perfect
13:49But I love him
13:51You love my yearbook photographer?
13:55Yes
13:57Well
13:58Maybe love is too strong a word for it
14:02But he does great work
14:04The guy's hired to take good yearbook pictures
14:07Now my grandchildren are going to look at my photo in 50 years
14:10And think that their grandfather was a dork
14:12Well, then I'm going to have to rethink my feelings for him
14:16Hello?
14:21Uh, yes
14:23Hello, Governor
14:24Is your mom at home?
14:27It's Dad
14:28Pal?
14:31Clothesline
14:32What's he doing here?
14:37He's in
14:38What?
14:39How did you
14:40He just is
14:41Look, it isn't important how it happened
14:43Let's just move on with this, okay?
14:46Look, Dewey
14:47You understand
14:48We're not stealing this money
14:49Every cent is going back to Malcolm
14:51We're a bank
14:53Yeah, well, this bank's getting a Rolex
14:55A big one
14:57That money's going towards new pipes for the house
15:00She can spend her share any way she wants
15:02And I'm spending my share on a Rolex
15:04I think I've earned it
15:06There are no shares
15:07Listen to me
15:08We are not splitting up that money
15:10We are not splitting up that money
15:11Who put you in charge?
15:12Yeah, who put you in charge?
15:14Let's vote
15:14There will be no voting!
15:16I vote, there's voting
15:17Me too
15:18I'm going to get the money
15:21It's not there anymore
15:22I moved it
15:23I know
15:24I moved it from where you moved
15:27And I moved it again
15:28What?
15:29I was one who came up with this idea
15:31The money's safe
15:32Give it
15:35Let go
15:38I want them
15:40And that
15:44Is the French took
15:47I don't know
15:52It sounds to me like he was asking to be beaten up
15:56That's what I said
15:57Just because you're a crossing guard
15:59You're suddenly off limits
16:00Walk, don't walk
16:02Who the hell is he to boss me around?
16:04It was nice to see someone with a little spirit
16:07So many young people just lie about the house
16:10Just watching their Miami Vice and MTVs
16:15Pie
16:16This is great
16:18I never knew old people could be nice
16:21I thought you were all wrinkled bags of skin
16:23Babbling about how stuff used to cost less
16:25No, some are like that
16:27But there's a few of us who still have some life left
16:31Who's the geezer?
16:39That's Teddy
16:40Handsome, isn't he?
16:43You want me to push you over, doll?
16:44No, I don't think that would be a good idea
16:46See, we're not allowed to have romances around here
16:50It's as if they don't think we're capable of having feelings anymore
16:55That is totally unfair
16:57I mean, as long as the two of you can see each other naked
17:00And still keep your lunches down
17:01You should be able to do whatever it is you want to do
17:04No
17:05Thank you
17:10Okay
17:12I alphabetized all the seniors' names
17:15Helped lug your equipment for three days from here to your shop
17:18And I held the lights for those creepy photo shoots
17:20You have to take another picture of me
17:22You held up your part of the bargain
17:25I'll hold up mine
17:26Sit down
17:26Thank you
17:27Chin to the left
17:31Square your shoulders
17:33Smile
17:36What did you do to me?
17:46I look like a freak
17:47Kid, that's you
17:50That's what you look like
17:52I can't let my grandchildren see me like that
17:55You have to fix it
17:56Put in a special filter or brighter lights
17:59Please do something
18:00Sorry, kid
18:01That's the best I can do
18:03I'm a yearbook photographer, not a magician
18:06Where have you been?
18:20School
18:21That story better hold up, mister
18:23Your father wants to count the money again
18:26I just think we all get along better when we know it's all here
18:29By the way, I'm gonna need some of this
18:32Got an estimate to fix my transmission
18:34This receipt is from 1986, Hal
18:38I can see where you erased the date
18:40Amateur
18:41Oh, yeah?
18:42Well, how do I know this plumber's for real
18:44And not just some actor that you hired?
18:46Yeah, yeah, yeah
18:47I held auditions while you were at work, Hal
18:50I knew it
18:51Listen to yourself
18:52You've gone insane
18:53That would be pretty convenient for you, wouldn't it?
18:56Well, you are not locking me away
18:58I haven't trusted either of you since I was six
19:01All right, all right
19:02Let's just split it
19:03Three ways
19:05And we'll all be happy
19:06I wouldn't say happy
19:07But it's a start
19:08I have a better idea
19:10We just stop this nonsense
19:13And give the money back to Malcolm
19:15Okay, you can have your pipes
19:17No, Hal
19:18This isn't a bargaining tool
19:20This money has turned us into animals
19:23I'm going down to the bank tomorrow morning
19:25And getting a cashier's check in Malcolm's name
19:27Then the three of us can slink away
19:29And forget that this whole thing ever happened
19:32Ow
19:33Can't you control that woman?
19:38Watch your tone, young man
19:41Or else what?
19:42You'll just cave like you did with Mom
19:44All right, that's it
19:44Go to your room
19:45I think maybe we should both go to our rooms
19:54Fine
19:56Cold floor, cold floor
20:14Cold floor
20:15Cold floor
20:15Cold floor
20:16Cold floor
20:17Cold floor
20:17Cold floor
20:18Cold floor
20:19Cold floor
20:20Cold floor
20:21Cold floor
20:22Cold floor
20:23Cold floor
20:24Cold floor
20:25Cold floor
20:26Cold floor
20:27Cold floor
20:28Cold floor
20:29Cold floor
20:30Cold floor
20:31Cold floor
20:32Cold floor
20:33Cold floor
20:34Cold floor
20:35Cold floor
20:36Cold floor
20:37Cold floor
20:38Cold floor
20:39Cold floor
20:40Cold floor
20:41Cold floor
20:42Cold floor
20:43Cold floor
20:44I think some of these are Viagra.
21:02Go for it.
21:03What can we do to repay you?
21:05Give me a five-minute head start.
21:14Honey, we want to apologize.
21:18Yeah, you were right.
21:20We're turning into monsters.
21:22The bad kind.
21:23You're just so much stronger than we are.
21:26Thank God for your level-headedness.
21:28Thank God there was someone in this house who was able to keep their sanity.
21:32And you taught us a lot of important lessons about honesty and trust.
21:39So, if you'll just tell us where you hit the money.
21:44I've done something very bad.
21:50What?
21:57There was this antique store across the street from the bank.
22:01And I saw this dollhouse in the window.
22:04And the next thing I knew, I was walking out with it.
22:07It was like that money in my pocket killed the old Lois and replaced it with a crazy person.
22:13That's okay, honey.
22:15I mean, so what if you spent a couple hundred dollars on a dollhouse?
22:19It's no big deal.
22:21Now, where's the rest of the money?
22:23There isn't any.
22:24What?
22:25You spent $10,000 on a stupid dollhouse?
22:31They wanted $12,000.
22:32But look, hell.
22:34There's the tiny little dumbwaiter and the lights really work.
22:37No!
22:53No!
22:54No!
22:57Hi, Judith.
22:59Oh, hello, Rhys.
23:01I want to thank you so much for everything you've done.
23:06It felt good to do something nice for a change.
23:08I'm seriously thinking about peppering that into my repertoire.
23:12Are you the one who helped Judith and Teddy get together yesterday?
23:16Yes, I am, and I would do it again.
23:19Your rules are just stupid.
23:21I mean, who does it hurt to let two old people be happy?
23:24You whore!
23:26You stole my husband!
23:27No, I just used him without your permission and gave him back to you.
23:37Just like someone did with my sewing machine.
23:42Look at her.
23:44I couldn't say no.
23:46How can you say no to that?
23:48Oh, shut up, you old fool.
23:51Wait!
23:52I can fix this!
23:53Just get back at him by sleeping with someone else.
23:56How about him?
24:00Huh?
24:02When he has his teeth in, he's quite the looker.
24:10Okay, I sold my car.
24:13Well, we'll add that to what I got for my engagement ring and my grandmother's pearls.
24:18No one wanted to buy my bike, but a bunch of kids did pay to watch me at a centipede.
24:23We're doing the right thing.
24:27We should all remember that.
24:28Quit sermonizing.
24:30I'll get enough of that from the nutjobs on the bus.
24:38You guys aren't going to believe it.
24:40I got a McClellan Fellowship Grant for $3,857.
24:46That's wonderful, Malcolm.
24:48Congratulations, son.
24:50Yeah, congratulations.
24:51This couldn't have come out a better time.
24:54I know exactly what I'm going to do with it.
24:56That's where I want to be.
25:04Let's see them call me a dork now.
25:18You're welcome.
25:20You're welcome.
25:20Thanks, sir.
25:21Thanks, sir.
25:21You're welcome.
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