- 5/19/2025
Malcolm In The Middle Season 7 Episode 2 Health Insurance
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TVTranscript
00:00Nothing.
00:03Granted, this isn't scientific,
00:07but the fact that Reese can't get brain freeze has to prove something.
00:11Wait.
00:13I'm feeling something in my toes.
00:18Yes, no, maybe.
00:22I don't know.
00:25Can you repeat the question?
00:29You're not the boss of me now.
00:32You're not the boss of me now.
00:35You're not the boss of me now.
00:37And you're not so big.
00:40You're not the boss of me now.
00:43You're not the boss of me now.
00:46You're not the boss of me now.
00:48And you're not so big.
00:53Life is unfair.
00:59We did it. We finally got back at Team Schwab and his brother.
01:07What'd you do?
01:08We found a dead octopus in a dumpster at the seafood store.
01:11We shoved his mouth full of medical waste and put it in the Schwab's air conditioner.
01:16That'll teach him to say we're obnoxious.
01:18Why didn't you let me help?
01:20I couldn't wait, Dewey.
01:21With a dead octopus, there's a very small window before it starts smelling like just another dead fish.
01:26Reese, your hands still stink.
01:29Yeah.
01:31Like victory.
01:35Well, we can't take a walk without our jackets anymore, Jamie.
01:38It's the first cool day of fall.
01:41Fall reminds adults about our mortality, but for you, it's just pretty leaves.
01:54You're telling me my family hasn't had health insurance for the last six months?
01:59Yes, I know you never got the check.
02:02There must be some sort of grace period.
02:06And when those two months are over, what's the grace period on that?
02:09No, you can't wait until Monday to reinstate us.
02:15We can't go through the whole weekend without health insurance.
02:19Listen, I am speaking to you from a house full of walking time bombs.
02:24Well, then you're just a bunch of lousy, heartless bastards.
02:29Who are you talking to?
02:31March your dimes.
02:32I gotta go to work early.
02:33I had to have another secret meeting about the union.
02:35Oh, huh.
02:36Goodbye.
02:37Bye, hon.
02:40Listen, Jim.
02:42Can I call you Jim?
02:45Okay, Stephen.
02:46Let me level with you.
02:48Six months ago, my wife asked me to do one thing.
02:51One.
02:52I was supposed to mail your check.
02:54The woman relies on the fact that I can be occasionally trusted to perform very simple, menial tasks.
03:01Now, if you don't start my insurance, and if anything happens to anyone in this family,
03:06I am going to have to explain to her that her entire life is built on a lie.
03:12Well, I just hope that when your marriage blows up in your face, I'm there to see it.
03:25Okay, Jamie.
03:27For the next two days, there's no getting sick.
03:29There's no getting owies.
03:31All the safety rules your mother and I told you about, well, starting today, we mean them.
03:42Hi, I'm Connie Guzman, Denny's mother.
03:45I guess those little guys are going to have a play date this morning.
03:47Oh, right.
03:48I'm Hal.
03:50I was so relieved we could schedule something today.
03:52I've got a killer day ahead.
03:56What was that?
03:57It was just his allergies.
04:00Allergies?
04:01Or disease?
04:05There are a lot of viruses going around.
04:08Some of these kids are nothing but walking germ bags.
04:12He seems a little unresponsive.
04:17Is Jamie's mother home?
04:19Boy, I do not like the way this gland feels.
04:22What did his poop look like this morning?
04:26Mommy.
04:27You know, I'm not sure Teddy's up for a play date today.
04:31Well, Jamie will be so disappointed.
04:32Come on, Teddy.
04:33You're going to Mommy's job interview.
04:35We'll do it again some other time.
04:36Just make sure you bring a note from his doctor.
04:42What are you doing?
04:50This is not a toy!
04:53I didn't think I was cutting my bagel with a toy.
04:56This is plenty sharp.
04:58Wait!
05:01Here.
05:03And use the handle.
05:04We're living in a death house.
05:19And that's why I propose we affiliate ourselves with the Teamsters.
05:26They can deliver a benefits package that's quite substantial.
05:31It's all spelled out in this literature.
05:35Well, I think this is a bad idea.
05:37Bad, bad, bad.
05:38Craig, it can't hurt to just listen.
05:40When Mr. Cochran finds out we're talking union, we'll lose all our perks.
05:44What perks?
05:45We get to wear the smocks on our days off, and they're talking about fixing the hand dryer in the men's room.
05:53I'd just like to thank Hattie for organizing this meeting.
05:56I think it's about time that the people who really do the work around here start standing up for ourselves.
06:02I, for one, am sick of no overtime, no job security.
06:07Excuse me, Joe.
06:08I just want to say that Mr. Cochran makes a lot more money than us.
06:12And I strongly feel that on that basis alone, he should be trusted.
06:17Oh, for God's sake, Craig.
06:19You know what really bothers me?
06:21When I see Mr. Cochran parking his car out front every morning, and we've got to park nine blocks away.
06:27They let us use the shuttle to get to our cars.
06:30It's the city bus, Craig.
06:32I appreciate all the anger that's in this room.
06:35And God knows I'm not one to shy away from a fight.
06:39But I suggest that instead of starting a union, we form a special committee to maybe paint Mr. Cochran's house so he'll want to be nice to us.
06:49Oh, no.
06:50Sit in and shut up, Feldspar.
06:53You know what?
06:54I've worked here for almost ten years.
06:57I have never felt we needed a union.
07:00But when I think about what this place has done to some of us, how it's made us so afraid to even voice our opinions, then I think maybe we do.
07:11Okay, but let the record show that I advocated a policy of cowardice and appeasement.
07:41Let's go.
08:11Oh, come here.
08:41Oh, come here.
08:42Oh, hi.
08:43Oh, okay.
08:48Hattie's been holding these secret union meetings during our break, so it's so complicated.
08:53We'd have to pay dues, but we'd save on health insurance.
08:57Oh, really?
08:58How fast would we get health insurance?
09:00Hattie thinks we can start serious talks with the Teamsters next month.
09:04Oh, who cares?
09:06Boys, breakfast!
09:07Hell, where are all the forks?
09:13Oh, uh, they were all bent out of shape, so I sent them out to that guy who fixes them.
09:20The fork straightener?
09:23It's the man's work, Lois.
09:24I don't think we should make fun.
09:26Hell, how are the boys going to eat scrabble legs without forks?
09:29I have to go.
09:38Honey, you know what's a great look?
09:41I saw this gal the other day on a bike helmet, and I thought, why the heck can't women look
09:46this good all the time?
09:48Oh, baby.
09:50Hell, you're messing up my hair.
09:53Okay, look, just buckle up and drive slowly.
09:55Get there late, but get there.
10:02Let this be a lesson to every one of you.
10:07What's going on with Hattie?
10:11Cochran fired her this morning.
10:13He said it was for dressing provocatively, but he obviously found out that she's been
10:17calling the union meetings.
10:18That's horrible.
10:19Somebody around here has been snitching at Cochran.
10:22Craig, is there something you want to tell me?
10:36No, no, not really.
10:43Why won't you look me in the eye?
10:45Why won't you look me in the eye?
10:52I can play this game as long as you can, Lois.
11:02I'll be watching you, Craig.
11:04Nice cover.
11:12Oh, my God!
11:14What is it?
11:16This Schwab sent out a mass email to everyone at school.
11:19He photoshopped her heads into a dirty movie.
11:21Gross!
11:23That can't be a dirty movie.
11:24There aren't any girls in it.
11:28Oh, my God!
11:30I'm not homophobic.
11:31If the three of us were gay lovers, I'd be fine with this.
11:34But it's not true!
11:35This is so humiliating!
11:37My abs are way more ripped than that guy's!
11:39You've got to respond.
11:42Well, I was saving this one to see what grade Mr. Watson was going to give me.
11:46But we can climb up on the roof and drop a wasp nest on their chimney.
11:50I have one ready.
11:51I've been teasing them for months to keep them angry.
11:54Perfect.
11:56What does it take to keep you boys safe?
12:00Dad, you don't know what the Schwabs did.
12:01I don't care what they did!
12:03What's the matter with you boys?
12:05Don't you realize you couldn't get killed?
12:08Dad, I'm not going to die.
12:10What?
12:10I'm 17.
12:13And so you can't die?
12:15I just don't see it happening.
12:17I got news for you, Reese.
12:1917-year-olds die all the time.
12:21Come on, Dad.
12:23That's just something they tell you so you'll stay off drugs.
12:26That's it!
12:26You're all grounded in your room for the rest of the weekend.
12:30We can't do that!
12:31I know I'm going to die, Dad.
12:33Nobody is dying in this family until the start of business Monday morning.
12:37Okay.
12:48Should there be an actual fire, I think we'll be in pretty good shape.
12:57Did you hear?
12:59We did a little investigating.
13:00We found out who Cochran's snitch is.
13:03Oh, no.
13:03It's Joe.
13:05Joe?
13:06What about Craig?
13:08What about Craig?
13:09Um, does Craig know that it's Joe?
13:14Everybody knows.
13:15Cochran just promoted Joe to manager.
13:17We're going to go congratulate him.
13:20Can you hand me some soap?
13:22Sure.
13:25Wow, I had it completely wrong.
13:28Did you get me the information I asked for Feltz for?
13:42Yes, sir.
13:43Lois almost called me, but I can assure you our secret's safe.
13:48Good.
13:49Good.
13:49Excellent.
13:51Now, you've got to tell me everything.
13:52Of course, sir.
13:55I'll leave a complete list of names this time.
13:59They're all here.
14:01Just please, sir, make sure this stays quiet.
14:04Don't worry about it.
14:06Thank you, Mr. Cochran.
14:07Looks and braids.
14:08You're the complete package, sir.
14:11Woo!
14:11What the hell are you doing talking to Mr. Cochran, Craig?
14:21Okay, Lois, if you could tell me what you think you saw, that would really help me focus my answer.
14:26Grabbed hair.
14:27You grabbed hair.
14:31I heard you talking about a list of names.
14:33Oh, that, um, we were just raiding all the hotties in the store.
14:39Don't worry.
14:39You're holding your own in both posture and dimples.
14:42You expect me to fall for that?
14:44I'd appreciate it.
14:46Craig, how could you?
14:50Hold it.
14:51Hold it.
14:51Oh, my God.
14:53Joe.
14:58Stop!
15:00Stay out of this, Lois.
15:01This is retail justice.
15:03Pull it off.
15:05But you're making a mistake.
15:08Joe isn't the snitch.
15:09What?
15:11The real snitch just confessed to me.
15:14Who is it?
15:15I'm not going to tell you.
15:16I don't want you hurting him.
15:18He's a misguided, weak, pathetic...
15:20It's Craig!
15:24Wait!
15:29Dad, why are you doing this?
15:33We're going to call Child Welfare, and this time they'll come.
15:43Please don't do this, Dad.
15:44It's just not necessary.
15:47There.
15:48Now we can finally have a nice, safe weekend around here.
15:56Let's do it.
15:56I told you this is worth spending Christmas vacation at Home Depot.
16:08Wait.
16:09Dad's going to kill us when he realizes we're gone.
16:13Maybe we can just pretend we're too secure to care what the Schwabs think of us.
16:18Nobody's going to buy that.
16:19We can't let this stand, do we?
16:21Remember the day everybody started calling Booger Boy, Booger Boy, and he didn't do anything about it?
16:26What was his real name anyway?
16:27Nobody remembers.
16:30I'm in.
16:31Oh, my God.
16:51Oh!
16:52Oh!
16:52Oh!
16:52Dad's under there!
17:03My God, you're right!
17:04Let's go!
17:05No, no, no!
17:16You boys are in so much trouble!
17:19I'm calling Mom.
17:20Dad, are you okay?
17:23I can't feel anything below my left knee.
17:26Is my foot okay?
17:29Your foot looks fine.
17:31But I think the rest of you is facing the wrong way.
17:38I can't find him anywhere.
17:40Have you seen Craig?
17:41Nope.
17:43So long, Lois.
17:43I'm off to the head office.
17:45A place where washing your hands after using the restroom is a matter of personal choice.
17:50Come on, Joe.
17:51By the way, what did Cochran give you to cover for me?
17:55What?
17:55You know, for throwing Craig under the truck.
17:58Taking the heat off me.
18:00You really are Cochran's snitch?
18:02No, I'm getting kicked upstairs because of my skills and motivation.
18:07But that's impossible.
18:09I saw Craig handing Cochran a list of names.
18:11What?
18:12All those are probably names for that stupid surprise party he's throwing for you.
18:16What are you talking about?
18:18Craig wanted to make a big deal out of your 10th anniversary you're working here.
18:21I told him it would just depress you, but, you know, Craig.
18:26Laying up in the storeroom.
18:30Oh, my God!
18:34Ah, Craig!
18:35Oh, Craig, I'm so sorry.
18:42Why didn't you tell me you were planning a party?
18:45You know?
18:47Oh, Lord, this day just keeps getting worse.
18:50Oh, Craig, this is all my fault.
18:52I feel just awful about this.
18:54I'll do whatever it takes to make this up to you.
18:57I'll even make...
18:58Oh, hold on a second.
19:01Hello?
19:02Mom, it's an emergency.
19:03You've got to come quick.
19:04Something horrible happened.
19:07Hello, Dewey?
19:09Dewey!
19:10Lois, if you could just get the ropes.
19:12My hands are wet.
19:13I think my wrists are bleeding.
19:15I'll be right back.
19:18Party starts at 5.
19:25Gee, better than new.
19:28That's not going to work, Dad.
19:30We really have to get to the hospital.
19:32I can't go to the hospital.
19:35Nobody in this family can go to the hospital.
19:38We've got no insurance.
19:40Why do you think I've been so concerned about your safety?
19:43Dad, it's not the end of the world.
19:45Of course it is.
19:47Your mother will never forgive me.
19:51This is worse than the time I left Dewey in Mexico.
19:55This is unforgivable.
19:57I don't think Dad would get this pathetic until we locked him in a nursing home.
20:12His family deserves better than me.
20:20Mother's home, boys.
20:21Help me up.
20:27I raced home.
20:29What is it?
20:30Honey, there's something you should know.
20:32Nine minutes and 23 seconds.
20:34I win.
20:34What are you talking about?
20:38We made a bet to see how quickly you can get here if you thought there was an emergency.
20:42You don't win.
20:43Reese said 10 minutes.
20:45But you're not allowed to go over.
20:47You can't decide that now.
20:48That's cheating.
20:49You did what?
20:50I don't blame you for being mad, Mom.
20:52Reese underestimates you all the time.
20:55This is just a game?
20:57You made me race across town thinking one of you was dying and it's just a game?
21:02We got bored.
21:03There's not much to do around here.
21:04Yeah.
21:05Maybe if you took us on a trip once in a while.
21:08Hal, do you hear this?
21:11I'm on it, Lois.
21:13I can't believe that...
21:15Hal, are you crying?
21:17With rage.
21:19You know how mad I get when these boys pull stunts like this.
21:23There's something fishy about this.
21:26Fishy is a nice way to put it, Lois.
21:29They are going to get the grounding of their life.
21:32They are going to feel the full brunt of my wrath.
21:42Oh, I've been wrong about so much lately, I don't even trust my own radar.
21:46I've got to get back to work.
21:48You start the punishment, Hal, but leave some for me.
21:54Drive safely.
21:56It's going to be okay, Dad.
22:05It's a very special moment when a father watches his boys lie to their mother for him.
22:12There's only one thing they could make me prouder.
22:16If one of you could saw off my leg.
22:19Don't worry, Dad.
22:21We'll get your knee taken care of.
22:23I told you, we have no medical insurance.
22:26There's no way.
22:27Dad, this is what we do.
22:30Happy anniversary, Lois.
22:38I chewed through my rope so I could have this set up for you before you got back.
22:43Oh, Craig.
22:45I invited the entire staff, but I guess they didn't show up on account of seeing me as human garbage.
22:50I wish you'd be mad at me.
22:52Yell at me.
22:53Tell me I'm a horrible person.
22:55Please.
22:56Don't apologize, Lois.
22:58If you want to make me happy, just sit down and enjoy your party.
23:03Hello, everybody.
23:13Here's one I'm sure you'll all remember.
23:17Here she comes now, our Lois, Lois.
23:25Strutting down the aisle like she doesn't know us.
23:33Hey, she wears a smock and she looks all right, yeah.
23:41You gotta stand and start and mock the catch-out.
23:46Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, yeah.
23:50Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:55Cause she's been here 10 years.
23:59Through the laughs, through the tears, punch it in, punch it out.
24:08And that time, she had gowns.
24:12I say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:22Yeah, the knee's dislocated.
24:26So, what, are you some kind of prodigy genius doctor?
24:30No, my dad's a really bad doctor.
24:32Let's me use his stuff.
24:36You know, boys, I'm not sure we need Richard.
24:38He does great work, Dad.
24:39He set my nose three times.
24:41He gave me a tricky army with a crazy straw.
24:44So, what kind of anesthetic do you use?
24:50Well, in a case like this, you're gonna need about eight cc's.
24:56Grab him!
24:56No!
25:01Hey, look at that.
25:14Hey, look at that.
25:44Hey, look at that.
25:45Hey, look at that.
25:46Hey, look at that.
25:47Hey, look at that.
25:48Hey, look at that.
25:49Hey, look at that.
25:50Hey, look at that.
25:51Hey, look at that.
25:52Hey, look at that.
25:53Hey, look at that.
25:54Hey, look at that.
25:55Hey, look at that.
25:56Hey, look at that.
25:57Hey, look at that.
25:58Hey, look at that.
25:59Hey, look at that.
26:00Hey, look at that.
26:01Hey, look at that.
26:02Hey, look at that.
26:03Hey, look at that.
26:04Hey, look at that.
26:05Hey, look at that.
26:06Hey, look at that.
26:07Hey, look at that.
26:08Hey, look at that.
26:09Hey, look at that.
26:10Hey, look at that.
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