Malcolm In The Middle Season 6 Episode 9 Malcolm's Car
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Honey, you can stop looking for the car keys.
00:20Yes, no, maybe.
00:24I don't know.
00:27Can you repeat the question?
00:31You're not the boss of me now.
00:34You're not the boss of me now.
00:36You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big.
00:42You're not the boss of me now.
00:45You're not the boss of me now.
00:48You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big.
00:53You are going to be so proud of me.
01:05Why?
01:06I spent the last five nights in a chat room, reeling in this creep named Heinrich.
01:12I got his address and showed up at his house with a printed transcript of our conversations.
01:17He calls me sugar buns 15 times on nine separate occasions.
01:21Reese!
01:22So the guy starts crying, what about my wife, what about my kids, I'll do anything.
01:29Entrapment.
01:30It's not just for police anymore.
01:31Why do I care about this?
01:33The guy works at the racetrack.
01:35He's going to make bets for us on the horses we pick.
01:39Well, the horses you pick.
01:41This is tomorrow's racing forum.
01:43You'll pick the winners and I'll place the bets.
01:45We split the winnings 50-50.
01:48Like brothers.
01:51It's kind of nice.
01:52Yeah.
01:54I could keep this guy on his toes.
01:56Time to leave a suspicious message on his answering machine.
02:01Wow.
02:02Blackmailing a pervert to facilitate underage gambling.
02:05How could this not work out?
02:08It did work out.
02:09It's been four days and Reese and I have already won almost $300.
02:14I can't believe it.
02:15Reese's plans usually end up with a missing toe or something.
02:18Since when do you buy lunch?
02:22Oh, well, I've been making some extra money at work.
02:27There's an incentive program at work where we're giving bonuses for finding inefficiencies.
02:34It's really improved morale at the store.
02:36You know, I actually enjoy going to work now that everybody is happier and won't-
02:39Whoa!
02:40Oh, jeez.
02:40Are you okay?
02:42Trying to finish what got started?
02:47Sorry, I didn't see the curb.
02:48I was distracted by that.
02:57Ow.
03:01Do you believe this?
03:03What happened?
03:05I was halfway through my haircut when Troy casually mentioned that his price had gone up from $21 to $28.
03:12and he thought I would just sit there and take it.
03:15Well, I showed him how I got up and I walked right out of there.
03:19This is extortion, pure and simple.
03:22What are you going to do about the-
03:24Here, even it up.
03:27What?
03:28I can't walk around like this.
03:29Cut it.
03:30No, I couldn't.
03:31Hal, it doesn't have to look good.
03:33Just hack this side off.
03:34Even it up.
03:35Oh.
03:42Oh, my God.
03:45This is beautiful, Hal.
03:48You've never done this before?
03:50No.
03:51I guess I just have a knack for it.
03:54Lois, I didn't think it was possible, but you were even more stunning than ever.
04:00Oh, Hal.
04:01Oh.
04:12What in the-
04:19This is my new car.
04:21I bought it.
04:22Now, I know what you're thinking, but please just give me 45 seconds to explain why this
04:26is the perfect car for me and how it was such an insanely great deal that I had no choice
04:31but to buy it.
04:32Hey, there's some black gooey stuff leaking out of it.
04:35I know it looks fast and dangerous, but that's a good thing.
04:38Cops will have their eye on my car, so I'll be extra motivated to drive safe and slow.
04:43It didn't cost much, so I'll have enough to pay for the first year's insurance.
04:46Think of all the money you'll save from less wear and tear on your car since I won't have
04:51to drive it anymore.
04:52I can put my finger through the metal.
04:54Do we get out of there?
04:55I'll be able to work extra shifts since I won't have to ride in with you, which means
04:59I'll be bringing more money into the house.
05:01Oh, and I love it.
05:03I know you don't care, but it just needs to be said.
05:05Malcolm, the fact that you didn't want this so bad should have been your first clue that
05:11this is just...
05:12Oh, Lois.
05:13Hell, he's not...
05:14Look, look, every boy has to go through this.
05:17It's the only way they find out what's important in a car.
05:21Look, let's go.
05:22I need to feather your neckline a little bit.
05:28Where were you?
05:29We were supposed to meet Heinrich right after lunch to get our bets in.
05:33Today was totally wasted.
05:34Although he did buy me a swimsuit.
05:37I got a car, Reese.
05:39I finally have a car.
05:41It's the coolest thing I've ever seen.
05:42It's a piece of crap.
05:47Don't listen to him.
05:48You're magnificent.
05:56Lois, your hair looks beautiful.
05:58She's right, Lois.
05:59It's fantastic.
06:01I've been getting compliments all day.
06:03It looks so much better.
06:05Yeah.
06:05I thought you were trapped in the 70s with that old cut.
06:08And your head doesn't look so boxy anymore.
06:11Mm-hmm.
06:14Lois?
06:15What did you do to your hair?
06:17I love it.
06:18Fred, isn't it fantastic?
06:21Mm-hmm.
06:21Who's your stylist?
06:23My husband did it.
06:24Really?
06:25Where's his shop?
06:26He doesn't have one.
06:27I just got his scissors out of the drawer and, I don't know, he just got inspired.
06:32Amazing.
06:33Okay, ladies.
06:34We're agreed.
06:34Lois looks beautiful.
06:36Now, let's get back to work.
06:38I only have a job to do, too.
06:39Good evening, Fred.
06:45There goes the soul of this store.
06:48And it keeps your nose from taking over your face.
06:51Yeah, thanks.
06:53So I'll see you tonight.
06:54I wouldn't miss it.
07:01Lois, you've got to help me.
07:02What?
07:03I need you to cover the rest of my shift for me.
07:05Again?
07:06Craig, what's going on?
07:07Paula wants to surprise Fred for her anniversary.
07:10He's a big golfer, so she wants to learn how, so I've been giving her lessons.
07:14You don't know how to golf.
07:15True.
07:16But somehow she got the idea that I only missed the cut at the Masters by three strokes.
07:21You lied to her?
07:23Lois, my job here is hanging by a thread.
07:26I thought if I could help the boss's wife surprise him with a game of golf,
07:30they'd end up kissing on the 18th green,
07:33and maybe I'd be in there somewhere getting the credit for it.
07:37Or you could just work hard at your job, and then you wouldn't have to suck up.
07:40Lois, I don't have time for your fantasies.
07:42I'm in trouble here.
07:44The first few lessons, we worked on driving the cart.
07:47But now she wants to know how to swing a club.
07:49I need to take a lesson so I can bluff my way through her lesson.
07:53Craig!
07:54Please, Lois, I can't lose this job.
07:57This is the only true thing on my resume.
08:01All right, but I'm only...
08:02I want all those 50-pound bags of dog food out on the floor before I get back from the warehouse.
08:08I'm on it.
08:11Thanks, Lois.
08:11Sorry I'm late, Hal.
08:18The grocery store was...
08:20Hi, Lois.
08:22Hal, what are you doing?
08:24Just giving Margie a new look.
08:26I had to have him do me.
08:27Your husband's a genius.
08:29And I get to keep the hair.
08:31Now, where was I?
08:32Oh, my sister.
08:33Honestly, a beach condo on her salary.
08:36Who is she trying to impress?
08:38She's just so insecure.
08:39She always has been.
08:40Every year she sends a Christmas card with a picture of her family sitting on a sailboat.
08:44It's not even theirs.
08:46Uh, Lois, do you have to do the grocery thing in here?
08:52So, they rent that boat from their horrible neighbors who, P.S., don't even know how to sail.
08:58And the husband got that money for it by very lucrative...
09:07What is your problem, you stupid car?
09:11You're driving me nuts!
09:13Where were you?
09:15Oh, Stevie, good.
09:16Here, take this.
09:18If it turns over, yank it out.
09:21I waited at the library.
09:24You should have seen her today.
09:25I was at a light, and these jerks pulled up next to me wanting to race.
09:29I hit the gas, and she just flew.
09:31I totally blew the drawers off for four seconds before she dropped an oil pan.
09:39That's it!
09:40Malcolm, we did it!
09:42We won over $250 from the Good Grades program at school.
09:48Awesome.
09:49That'll pay for this.
09:54Isn't it beautiful?
09:57This is for you.
09:58I emailed my chess move days ago.
10:08Stevie, I don't have to do everything with you.
10:13Tell you what, I'll take you for a drive.
10:16That'll...
10:19What is it?
10:28What is your problem, you stupid car?
10:30You're driving me nuts!
10:33Give me...
10:34I'll get you under a...
10:36You freaking...
10:38Stupid car.
10:40So I'm thinking, I feel young, so why not look young?
10:44So I got the Botox done to my crow's feet and my forehead.
10:47Then I had my chin done and my tummy tuck.
10:50And I may not stop there.
10:51Work it, girlfriend.
10:53Well, hi, Lois.
10:54Can I talk to you for a minute?
10:58Does your grandmother know you borrowed her hands?
11:01I went to six different stores and could not find that avocado oil you recommended.
11:08Hal, this isn't working for me.
11:10Well, that's because you don't scrunch and spritz like I told you to.
11:13Oh, this, look.
11:16Craig is flaking out on me.
11:18I'm pulling double shifts for him.
11:19And every time I come home, it's full of people.
11:21I never have any time alone.
11:23There is hair everywhere.
11:25And I do not like the way you are standing lately.
11:30Lois, these women are walking out of here with a glow.
11:34It's wonderful.
11:35Well, can't you at least use some of the money you're making to hire a cleaning lady?
11:40I'm not accepting money for this.
11:43What?
11:43I am transforming these women, Lois.
11:46I won't soil that with money.
11:48And it's not just the hair.
11:50They confide in me.
11:52They need someone to listen to their problems.
11:54You wouldn't believe what some of these women are going through.
11:57Nancy, she's getting audited.
11:59Margie's husband has a gambling problem.
12:01And Paula in there, she is having an affair.
12:05What?
12:06Yes, for the last five months.
12:07It's some guy she's pretending to take golf lessons with.
12:19Why do you keep doing this to me?
12:26I fix your throttle linkage and your alternator dies.
12:29I buy you a new alternator and your water pump explodes.
12:33Every time I think I'm getting close, you find a new way to hurt me.
12:39Hey, thanks for placing the bet today.
12:41I tried to get out of detention, but none of the firearms were working.
12:45Where's the money?
12:46I never made the bet.
12:48What?
12:48I didn't make the bet.
12:50I spent the money on something else.
12:52A car bra.
12:56What?
12:57You had $200.
12:59That horse came in at five to two.
13:01I don't know what that is, but I'm supposed to get half of it.
13:04Sorry, man.
13:05But look how hot she looks.
13:07Malcolm, you've got to calm down.
13:09This car is messing you up.
13:11This car is not messing me up.
13:13It's made me happier than I've ever been in my life.
13:23Lois, thank God.
13:25Fred asked me to scrub out the dumpsters tonight,
13:27but Paula wants to work on a short iron,
13:30so I had to schedule an emergency lesson with the golf pro.
13:33The guy charges like $90 an hour,
13:35and it's really eating away at my savings.
13:37But I guess I have no one to blame but myself,
13:39and oh, my God, you know about the affair.
13:41Damn it!
13:42Damn it!
13:43You do know, right?
13:44Yes, I know.
13:46Damn it!
13:47Craig, how could you lie to me after all I've done for you?
13:51I let you sleep on our floor
13:53when you thought your cat's ghost was trying to kill you.
13:56I settled that feud between you and the Girl Scout troop.
13:59They started it.
13:59Shut up!
14:00I do all this,
14:02and you repay me by making me drag around 50-pound sacks of dog food
14:06so you can sleep with that boss's wife?
14:08That's inexcusable!
14:10I didn't plan this.
14:12It just happened.
14:13One night after inventory,
14:14we stopped in the parking lot to talk.
14:17I bent down to pick up her keys.
14:19The next thing I know,
14:20she's got me handcuffed in a shower in a motel out by the airport.
14:24She's crazy, Lois,
14:27but she makes me crazy, too.
14:29Craig!
14:29I'm not kidding.
14:30There is a dark, scary place inside of me
14:33that I didn't even know was there,
14:35but Paula knew it was there,
14:36and every night,
14:38she takes me to that scary place
14:39and shows me some new, terrible, delicious corner of it.
14:44You're not going to rat on me, are you?
14:46No, but you have to end this today.
14:49I can't, Lois.
14:50I'm addicted.
14:51I don't even know who I am anymore.
14:55I know I've let you down,
14:56but I want to thank you for helping me anyway.
14:59Craig, I never said I'd...
15:00If that homeless guy is still in the dumpster,
15:03just let him drink through the hose,
15:04he'll leave you alone.
15:10Stupid car.
15:11That's four coats.
15:12Now will you run?
15:14Malcolm, your leopard skin sea covers are here.
15:16Sweet.
15:17I can't wait to see you in them.
15:26What's going on?
15:27Malcolm, this is Mike.
15:30He's from AAA.
15:32You're in a safe place with people who care about you.
15:36Sit down, son.
15:37What's all this about?
15:42Stevie and Reese have something to say,
15:44and I think you should listen.
15:48You've abandoned your friends.
15:53You didn't even notice my new deck shoes.
15:59Stevie, I've just been busy, okay?
16:01Your car is ruining everything.
16:04It's even affecting our illegal gambling.
16:06I tried to pick a winner myself,
16:08but since I'm an idiot,
16:10I picked one that came in at over 600 to 1.
16:14I won $11,500
16:16that I can't even touch
16:17because I didn't have to fill out a tax form.
16:20$11,500
16:21that's just sitting there tormenting me
16:24because of that stupid car.
16:25Stop calling it stupid!
16:28That car isn't stupid.
16:29That car is great.
16:31It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
16:33Really?
16:34Where'd you get that shiner?
16:36That was my fault.
16:37I wasn't being careful enough.
16:40Malcolm,
16:41we're here to help,
16:43but the first step is for you to admit
16:45that you have a problem.
16:47I did.
16:48That's why I'm in AAA.
16:50There's thousands of us, Malcolm,
16:52and we all know what you're going through.
16:55Wow.
17:02I guess I didn't realize
17:03how bad things had gotten.
17:06I think I need to take a good,
17:08long look at everything.
17:17Oh, yeah.
17:20Oh, that's it.
17:25I didn't get
17:29to read
17:30my poem.
17:35And then when Martha left the room,
17:37Tina checked the price tag
17:39on the leather coat.
17:40Factory outlet.
17:44Amateur good for you?
17:45Perfect.
17:47As was
17:48the scalp massage.
17:52So,
17:53all you have to do is
17:54cash in the ticket for me,
17:56give me the $11,000,
17:57and you can keep $500.
18:00Deal.
18:00Thanks, man.
18:02Well, I think it's important
18:03you have an adult you can trust.
18:05This car
18:11is a tease.
18:12Yesterday,
18:13she gave me the ride of my life.
18:15Her bra flew up
18:17before I even hit the freeway.
18:18I was so happy.
18:23And today,
18:24she won't even start.
18:25It's like yesterday
18:26didn't even happen.
18:27I can't take this anymore.
18:29Please,
18:31start.
18:32Please,
18:33I'm begging you.
18:35Just give me
18:35a little something,
18:36please.
18:40Oh,
18:41thank you so much.
18:43I knew you'd come back.
18:44We're meant to be together.
18:46Don't you see?
18:59Don't you?
19:24Oh,
19:25oh,
19:26oh.
19:26Oh,
19:27oh,
19:28oh,
19:29Help! Somebody help me! I'm stuck! Help!
19:36There's a bit of a weight. We got slammed with the wedding party and we're way behind.
19:48Ah, the human volcano. One of my favorites.
19:51Oh, it's so much better now that he can read minds.
19:55Exactly. He used to just have heat grip. How lame was that?
20:05You allergic to nuts? No.
20:08Alright.
20:15What were you studying in school? Regular stuff, I guess.
20:20I don't really like school. Everybody makes fun of me.
20:24Yeah, I remember those days. Kids can be so cruel.
20:28The smart kids, the loners, they were the meanest.
20:33The worst is gym class. My own team throws the ball at me in dodgeball.
20:37Hey, you know how you can get out of gym? Pretend to have asthma. All you need is a fake inhaler. Here, take mine. It also gets me good seats on the bus. Don't worry. Things are gonna be better for you from here on out.
20:54My dad tells me the same thing.
20:56Well, your dad's a smart man.
20:58Frank, your new haircut looks great. Let me just get my purse and I'll drive you back home to your parents.
21:04Craig, you know Frank's parents. Fred and Paula. Remember Fred is our boss at Lucky 8? And I believe you're giving golf lessons to his mom.
21:14Let's go Frank. And I promise I'll drive very safely so we don't have an accident. I wouldn't want to ruin your life with my carelessness.
21:24I'm not gonna make it. Steve was right about this car. And so was Reese. He was right about the car. And the horse racing.
21:48That makes it easier. I don't want to live in a world where Reese is right.
22:10You really have to snap those sheets if you want to get the hair off.
22:13Oh, throw your fanny into it.
22:15Dad, seriously? You gotta stop talking like that.
22:17I'm sorry. It's just so draining listening to all these people with their tawdry little secrets. Like that Paula woman. Fred's wife?
22:26Not only is she cheating on her husband, now she's two-timing on her golf instructor with her swing dance teacher.
22:33She is learning new moves every night if you know what I'm talking about. She is so cold.
22:39Hey, Stevie, please. We're talking. Sheila's husband Randy just got a new assistant. She's 19 years old and she doesn't even know what to tie her. The girl wears a halter top at the office. Halter tops? Hello Dukes of Hazzard on line three. They want their costumes back.
23:01Malcolm. Malcolm. Malcolm. Malcolm. You alright?
23:10What happened? It's okay. It's okay, son. You'll be fine. Just breathe deep.
23:15Breathe deep.
23:19Stevie. You saved my life. I treated you like turd. You saved my life.
23:31Your wheels count on my crotch.
23:33Is it?
23:38I can get off early. Can't you cancel your lesson?
23:41I wish I could, but we're working on the Texas two-step tonight.
23:45We never see each other anymore.
23:48Lois, I see you more than I see my wife these days.
23:52Oh, Fred, things have a way of changing for the better. You'll see.
23:55Attention lucky age shoppers. My name is Craig Feldsbart and I have a message for Paula Lynch.
24:04Paula, I can't go on like this. I'm gonna do the right thing and make you my wife.
24:13I just bought an $11,500 engagement ring, which I hope you'll accept.
24:19You're cheating on me with Craig Feldsbart!
24:30I think we're both victims here, Fred.
24:33I'm gonna go... something that way.
24:37Sure, it won't be easy for us, but the path of true love never did run smooth.
24:42We'll move in with my grandmother and care for her together.
24:45Well, they're about to tow her away. You wanna come say goodbye?
24:51No.
24:52Oh.
24:54I know it's tough, son.
24:56I thought I'd never get over my first car.
24:5964 Plymouth Fury, who couldn't keep her top on.
25:04And some guy stole her from me.
25:07I saw her a few months later with a new driver and a different paint shop, but...
25:12she meant nothing to me.
25:15I had moved on.
25:17And so were you.
25:20Are you cutting my hair?
25:22No.
25:42No.
25:44No.
25:45No.
25:46Go!
25:47Go!
25:48No!
25:50No!
25:51No!
25:52Number 2
25:54No.
25:55No!
25:56No!