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  • 2 days ago
Here We Go S03E03

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Transcript
00:00MUSIC
00:04Whose cat is that?
00:07Happy Bird!
00:10Who's eaten my moose?
00:13Now, take another one, Sammy. I would, just in case.
00:17You've already given me a pack of 12, Granny.
00:19Yeah, they're only going for 36 hours, Mum.
00:21They'll be fine. They're capable young men.
00:24Sort of. Are they? Yeah.
00:26That one's got your stuff in carrier bags.
00:28Oh, have you not got a backpack, Kai?
00:31No, I've just got the Kaz's.
00:34I can't open the jar, by the way.
00:37Oh, that's all right. Yeah, thanks for trying.
00:39OK, so, Sam, if it does all go peaked on,
00:42just keep heading downhill and you will eventually find water.
00:45OK. What? Yeah.
00:47Don't tell them to drink water from the ground, Robin.
00:49It'll be full of shit or frogs or whatever.
00:51Yeah, don't do that, actually.
00:53I've got two big bottles of iron brew anyway.
00:55Exactly. Now stick to the brew and shout for help.
00:58Yeah.
00:59What? Shout for help? When?
01:01When you need it. If you need it.
01:04Right. Yeah. Scream. Scream.
01:06Oh, come on. Don't panic.
01:08It's only D of E. He's not going to war.
01:10And he's 16 now. We can trust him.
01:12Yeah, thank you, Mum.
01:14OK, that's the exact opposite of what you've been saying all week.
01:17Right, well, good luck at your nerd festival.
01:20Aw. Hang on.
01:21Did you still want to use my camera, Robin?
01:22Oh, I do, actually, yeah.
01:24OK, I got it.
01:25There he is.
01:26Hey!
01:27Having a baby.
01:28Not with you, though, mate.
01:29Yeah, no, I'm not the dad.
01:30OK.
01:31Goodbye forever.
01:34Forever.
01:35Very funny. Very funny, Sam.
01:36Listen, stay safe, all right?
01:38Safety first.
01:39Yeah.
01:40OK? Yes.
01:41I love you.
01:42Just Sam, of course.
01:43Bye, boys.
01:44Oh, dear.
01:45Oh, his pot noodle's come out.
01:46He dropped his bag.
01:47Yeah.
01:48What are you doing, Rach?
01:49He's lost his wotsuits.
01:51Rach?
01:52Ah, this one.
01:53I'm already taking a bobble hat.
01:54Yeah, but put this balaclava on top of that,
01:56or probably underneath it, actually, give him the bobble.
01:58It's like 20 degrees out there.
02:00Yeah.
02:01Mum!
02:02Big news, Mum!
02:03Do we have any flares?
02:04Huh?
02:05For Sam's D of E.
02:06Well, he's not going to be wearing flares, surely?
02:08No, to set off.
02:09Did you have any with your boat?
02:11Er, I don't...
02:12Why is he setting off flares?
02:13He's not the red arrows.
02:14He's not allowed his phone on a D of E, and, you know,
02:16it's in the wild, at night, anything could happen.
02:19This is central England, Rachael.
02:21There is no wild.
02:22Exactly.
02:23The worst that can happen is that they get hit
02:24by a couple of golf balls while they eat in a harvester.
02:27Maybe you should wear the helmet in that case,
02:28if there are going to be golf balls.
02:29What?
02:30I'm not walking around in a helmet like a toddler.
02:32Oh, I...
02:33What's your big news, Dad?
02:34You said big news.
02:35Huh?
02:36Oh, yeah, Mum!
02:37I'm going to be a mentor, Mum!
02:38What?
02:39What's that, Paul?
02:40I'm going to be a mentor!
02:41Oh!
02:42A what?
02:43Yeah.
02:44What, like half man, half horse?
02:45Oh!
02:46No, that's a centaur.
02:47Yeah.
02:48I'm not going to be one of them, obviously.
02:49No, it's like a...
02:50Like a role model?
02:51A role model?
02:52Yeah.
02:53You?
02:54Who for?
02:55The police, yeah.
02:56You've only been there a few months.
02:57Six months.
02:58Yeah, so I guess they must be just really impressed with me.
03:01Right.
03:02That's wonderful, Paul!
03:03I know it is.
03:04How?
03:05Oh, I know, I know.
03:06I'm so...
03:07Yeah, yeah, no, it's an absolute boon, to be honest, Mum.
03:10Yeah.
03:11Because I was really worried that they weren't so happy with how things were going.
03:14Oh, really?
03:15Yeah, it's just so reassuring.
03:16So who are you mentoring them?
03:17Well, they buddied me up with this young officer called Lee.
03:20Aww.
03:21Yeah, I know, I know.
03:22Who's, you know, he's obviously underperforming and he needs my help.
03:26Right.
03:27So don't mention that to him when he comes over, because he's bound to be anxious, the poor lad.
03:31Oh.
03:32OK, is he coming here?
03:33Tomorrow.
03:34OK.
03:35Yeah, yeah.
03:36So I just want to keep things super duper chill, OK?
03:37I don't want him to be too intimidated by me.
03:39OK.
03:40So, hey, what's this?
03:41Benitsa.
03:42It's Bulgaria's answer to the cheese toasting.
03:44Yes, the question is, can you please ruin a cheese toasting?
03:47If he's got anxiety, I'm the one that should talk to him.
03:49I'm trained to deal with that.
03:50Sort of.
03:51You're worried I'm going to die if I spend one night in Kempston Wood.
03:54Yeah.
03:55No, I'm worried that you might get lost or abducted.
03:57Abducted?
03:58Who's going to abduct Sam?
03:59He's an absolute lug.
04:00No offence.
04:01None taken.
04:02And she won't let me go to Corfu in the summer with Kai.
04:04Yeah, rightly so.
04:05And you're taking his torch too.
04:07So you've been back to your Bulgarian quarry then, Robin?
04:10Um, yeah, no, I actually sold the quarry.
04:12It's full of dogs.
04:13Yeah.
04:14So, no, I bought a cooling tower now instead, so I was checking that out.
04:17I wasn't.
04:18No, chairs can't fly when she's this pregnant in case her legs swell up.
04:21So, Sue, I got you something from the airport.
04:24Oh!
04:25Oh!
04:26Oh!
04:27Here we go.
04:28Hey!
04:29Oh, you remember.
04:30It's a wobble.
04:31Oh!
04:32Gross.
04:33You and your gherks.
04:34You don't have to eat them.
04:35And Bulgarian gherkins are insane, honestly.
04:38Those people can pickle.
04:39Can they?
04:40Yeah.
04:41Why is it so stiff, Robin?
04:42Oh, that's right.
04:43I wasn't gonna.
04:44You were gonna.
04:45That's exactly what you were gonna.
04:46I was gonna, yeah.
04:47Well, I can't open it.
04:48It's as stiff as a garden.
04:50Let me try.
04:51I've never had that expression before in my life.
04:52I'm absolutely gagging for a holiday, to be honest.
04:55Yeah, I know.
04:56Somewhere like Corfu or even Bulgaria would do.
04:59What you need to do is you just need to twist the bottom as well as the top.
05:02Yeah, all right.
05:03You don't need to mentor me on how to open jars now.
05:05Well, you say that, and yet the lids still are.
05:08Mmm!
05:09Right, I'm gonna go prep for my sech.
05:11Where's that book of quotes, guys?
05:13I don't know.
05:14You can still have a holiday, Cherry, but within the UK, you know, a staycation.
05:19Yeah.
05:20I'll grow up.
05:21It's not a holiday.
05:22Going to a different branch of WHM somewhere else, it's also raining.
05:25Oh, sorry.
05:26No, I wanted a change of scene.
05:28I'm talking coconuts, flowy dresses.
05:31Do you know what I mean?
05:32Well, come to LARP Quest with me next weekend, then, baby.
05:34You sort of have to wear a flowy dress if you go in as a human woman.
05:37Stop suggesting that, Robin.
05:38Well, I do not want to play dress-up and talk about the bloody Hobbit.
05:41You would absolutely love me in my Silwin-A-Lot Cozzy, I swear.
05:45I'll be your knight in shining armour.
05:47Oh, wow.
05:48Plastic armour.
05:49It'll shine.
05:50You buff anything hard enough and it'll shine.
05:51Fact.
05:52And I've got a big sword.
05:53Oh, my God.
05:54I do like a sword.
05:55Yeah, well, this baby's the scourge of LARP Quest.
05:58LARP what?
05:59Robin, what's that?
06:00Yeah, LARP Quest, Sue.
06:02So, it's a historical slash fantasy thing like live-action roleplay
06:05where everyone goes as different factions,
06:07so human, goblinoid, elvish, dwarf, etc.
06:10Oh, you can go as elvish?
06:11Oh, how funny.
06:12No, elvish, granny, as in elves.
06:14Yeah.
06:15Yeah, I can't do that.
06:16Right, move over, Rover.
06:17Let Robin take over.
06:18Have a go.
06:19Hey, man, see?
06:20And you'll win a lot after the dog food, are you, Robin?
06:23Yeah, exactly.
06:24No, what?
06:25No.
06:26It's like Lancelot, but win a lot because I win a lot.
06:29I forgot about the dog food, actually.
06:31So, it's like Dungeons and Dragons, basically?
06:33Yeah, live-action.
06:34Yeah, so we're talking sword fights, mead, it is the absolute bomb.
06:38Oh, that is as stiff as a dog's arse, I'm sorry.
06:40Maybe I should invite Maya to that instead.
06:42I mean, it's not exactly Glastow, but at least it's a festival.
06:44Oh, did you not get tickets?
06:46No, I sat through the alarm.
06:47Oh.
06:48I missed it.
06:49You're in a bit of a mood with me.
06:50Yeah.
06:51Do you know what?
06:52Why don't we all go?
06:53No.
06:54No.
06:55Sorry, but I can't be around people that nerdy.
06:56It makes me so angry.
06:58Sorry.
06:59Oh, God, somebody, one of us must be able to open this jar, surely?
07:03It's like the sword in the stone, isn't it?
07:06Not really.
07:07I'll get Kay's new boyfriend over.
07:08Yeah, yeah.
07:09He's well-strung.
07:10Oh.
07:11He can tow a car.
07:13With another car?
07:15No, no, no.
07:16With his hands.
07:17Um...
07:18I mean, he is a mechanic.
07:19He can.
07:20No, he can.
07:21He can.
07:22If you can dream it, you can do it.
07:25Walt Disney.
07:26OK.
07:27Well, I can dream that I can open this jar, but I can't do it, so that's not true, is it?
07:32Yeah.
07:33Failure is success in progress.
07:36Einstein.
07:37I might print some of these out, actually, for Lee.
07:40OK, but putting up other people's quotes is not mentoring Paul.
07:43That's Instagram, and it's very different.
07:45Yeah.
07:46You've got...
07:47You've got to give something back.
07:50You can't just sit there.
07:52Prince Harry.
07:53Amen.
07:54I completely agree, mate.
07:55Trust plus preparation equals...
07:57Sam?
07:58Uh-huh?
07:59Believe me, Sam.
08:00Why are you wearing that?
08:01What?
08:02Oh, it's for my mentoring.
08:04Yeah.
08:05I want to look approachable and clever.
08:07Right, well, you look like Kevin MacLeod.
08:10Great.
08:11And I got that scarf out for Sam's D of E.
08:13Yeah, I'm not taking it.
08:14Or that giant first aid kit.
08:16Well...
08:17OK, that's him.
08:18That's him.
08:19That's Lee.
08:20Everyone just give him some space.
08:21OK, guys?
08:22It's not that big, Sam.
08:23Mum, it's enormous.
08:24It'll be easier to put a doctor on his back.
08:26Exactly.
08:27Hey, Lee.
08:28Thanks for coming, champ.
08:29You OK, bird?
08:30Yeah, fine, thanks.
08:31Yeah.
08:32Sorry I'm late.
08:33I got a bit lost.
08:34Oh, not anymore.
08:35Not when I'm around.
08:37Hi.
08:38Hello.
08:39This is Sam.
08:40You don't mind if my son films a sesh, do you, bird?
08:42No, no.
08:43Whatever you want.
08:45Right.
08:47Everyone?
08:48This is Lee.
08:49Hi.
08:50Hi, Lee.
08:51Hi.
08:52Yeah, we're just going to go next door, so...
08:54Would you like a cup of tea, Lee?
08:56Or a casserole?
08:57Er...
08:58No, I don't think...
09:00But I would have a gherkin if one's going.
09:02Oh, well.
09:03If you can open it, you can.
09:05Yeah.
09:06Good luck.
09:07No, you...
09:08It's impossible.
09:09Oh, no.
09:10I'll go for it, Lee.
09:11Ooh!
09:12It's as stiff as a cardsman, isn't it?
09:14Yeah, that's what I said.
09:16I need to wee.
09:18Of course you do.
09:19It's just out there on the right channel, OK?
09:22Just there.
09:23Go get them.
09:24Oh.
09:25Oh!
09:26Yeah, watch the...
09:27Watch the door, OK?
09:29Yep.
09:30Don't set Lee a physical challenge as soon as he comes in, Mum!
09:33He asked for a gherkin.
09:35How's that going to build his confidence failing to open a jar?
09:38Jeez Louise!
09:39Does he always wear the helmet?
09:41Oh, no.
09:42I mean, I think he's cycled here.
09:43I mean...
09:44I mean, surely not.
09:45He can't...
09:46Don't laugh at Lee!
09:48That's...
09:49This is why he needs my help!
09:50OK?
09:51In fact, can you just...
09:52Shhh!
09:53Can you just call him while I'm...
09:54Rachel!
09:55Lee!
09:56I'm just...
09:57Champ, I'm just going to finish up next door, OK, Champ?
09:59OK.
10:00OK.
10:01OK, bud.
10:02Let's go!
10:03Oh, shh!
10:04Oh!
10:05Oh, God.
10:06Oh, Hayley.
10:08How are you doing?
10:09I've got some on my trouser.
10:11Oh, that's all right.
10:13That can happen to anyone.
10:14Men, mainly.
10:15Mm.
10:16So, is this your first time?
10:18Yeah, no.
10:19Well, never been a mentor before.
10:21Oh.
10:22But I was the youngest ever Arkayla for the 78 Bedford Cub Scout Group.
10:27So, it's safe to say I know a thing or two about leadership.
10:30Oh!
10:31Hang on.
10:32So, you're the mentor?
10:33Yeah.
10:34Why?
10:35OK.
10:36So, before we get into it, Champ, I just want to make a couple of things super clear.
10:40Paul.
10:41OK?
10:42Number one.
10:43You're amazing.
10:44Don't you dare doubt that.
10:45OK?
10:46Number two.
10:47I'm just a guy.
10:48I'm just a guy.
10:49Dad.
10:50Lee's the mentor.
10:51He's mentoring you.
10:52Well...
10:53Mm.
10:54I mean, no.
10:55That...
10:56What?
10:57Yeah.
10:58Yeah.
10:59Whether you're...
11:00How old are you?
11:01I'm 24.
11:02Exactly.
11:03So...
11:04I'll check the email.
11:05Check the email.
11:06Well, well, well.
11:07Well, well, well.
11:18Well, well, well.
11:20Look who decided to come along after all.
11:22There are a lot of last-minute tickets available, weirdly.
11:25It's just not a cohesive costume, though, is it, Mum?
11:27Your cheapo Viking helmet, slung on your furs, and you're wearing moon boots.
11:31Yeah, what about you?
11:32You've got trainers on.
11:33Yeah.
11:34And what's with the jar of gherkins?
11:35Is that a Viking thing as well?
11:37No, no.
11:38No, that's...
11:39I'm hoping I'll bump into a big orc who can help me open them.
11:42Orcs.
11:43Well, there'll be orcs, Robin.
11:45And the rest.
11:46Orcs, pixies, trolls, you name it, babe.
11:48Turns out the pixies aren't doing Glastonbury this year.
11:50Well, right.
11:51Yeah, you see, this is even better than Glastow, in a way.
11:54Everyone keep an eye out for Lee.
11:55No.
11:56All right?
11:57He's going in circles.
11:58No, you can't have phones in there, Rach.
11:59No, I know, I know.
12:00It's just that Sam...
12:01What?
12:02What do you mean?
12:03I put a tracking tile in his bag.
12:06Ah.
12:07Rach, you did...
12:08Ah.
12:09I mean, well done.
12:10Yeah, yeah.
12:11But that's terrible.
12:12Oh, my God, Mum.
12:13Does he know?
12:14No, I know.
12:15But in my defence, he's only 16 and he didn't take any of the survival stuff that I got.
12:18Paul!
12:19Fair enough.
12:20Oh, hi, Lee.
12:21I love these little dwarf costumes.
12:23Oh, yeah.
12:24No, I'm not a dwarf.
12:25I'm just five foot four.
12:26But no, I am an archer.
12:27Yeah.
12:28Yeah.
12:29You said Lee.
12:30Huh?
12:31Don't take Lee.
12:32Yeah.
12:33This is Paul.
12:34I'm his mentor.
12:35Yeah.
12:36Everyone, this is Merlin.
12:37Merlin is a seer.
12:38Slash LARPing legend.
12:39Ooh.
12:40The princess is with child.
12:42My child.
12:43I am.
12:44Yeah.
12:45You don't need to be a seer to see that now.
12:47She's nine months pregnant.
12:49Merlin takes it very seriously.
12:51Okay, sorry.
12:52Yes, I do.
12:53Quite right.
12:54So where's the undead faction?
12:56They're all over by the bins learning the walk.
12:59Ah, there's a walk.
13:00Yeah, great.
13:01Where do we go, Nightclaw?
13:02Humans, elves, go grab yourself a burger.
13:04Top up on mead.
13:05I'm an elf.
13:06Fantastic.
13:07Needle.
13:08Ah, Paul.
13:09Yes.
13:10Why don't you stick with me?
13:12I am going to make you my squire.
13:15Squire?
13:16Yeah.
13:17Okay.
13:18Yeah, the thing is, Lee, Nightwalk horse.
13:20Um.
13:21Nightclaw.
13:22I did want to be an archer.
13:23You know?
13:24I was Olympic archer.
13:25I got the bowl.
13:26And I was thinking for a name.
13:28Yeah.
13:29Errolman.
13:30Squire Paul?
13:31Yes.
13:32Fill my horn.
13:33Yes, my liege.
13:35What with?
13:36Maid.
13:37Maid?
13:38No phones inside.
13:39No way.
13:40I did tell her, Nightclaw, I'm sorry.
13:41Sorry.
13:42Oh, look, there they are.
13:43It's quite a good walk, actually, isn't it?
13:45You're on the high street, alone.
13:47Mm-hm.
13:48A ten-year-old girl comes up to you, tells you she's being followed by a man with a gun.
13:51Mm.
13:52What do you do?
13:53Erm.
13:54Tail the suspect.
13:55Erm.
13:56Search for, erm, small firearms, weapons.
14:01He's not holding anything.
14:02Okay, check for bulges, then, in his jacket, or in his groin.
14:05He's moving towards his car now.
14:07Okay, well, then I ask him to halt.
14:08He's getting away.
14:09Er, well, in that case...
14:10Quickly.
14:11Er, taser, taser, taser!
14:12Call for backup.
14:14Call for backup.
14:16We can't taser people based on one unverified report from a child.
14:21All right.
14:23Being a police officer is all about fellowship.
14:26Hm?
14:27Do you think Frodo would have gotten the ring to Mount Doom if it wasn't for the fellowship?
14:31No way!
14:33No.
14:34He'd have barely made it out of the mines of Moria.
14:36I'm a moron.
14:39Have you even read it yet?
14:42I... I will.
14:45I will.
14:46It's just very long, isn't it?
14:47Sam, I got you something.
14:48If it's for my DOV, I'm not taking it.
14:50Mm.
14:51What is it?
14:52It's a survival shovel.
14:53It's essential.
14:54Essential?
14:55What does it even do?
14:56Well, to be honest, I'm not sure, but it clearly helps you survive, or they wouldn't call it that.
15:00Well, just please stop doing this, Mum.
15:01Okay.
15:02You've got to trust me.
15:03I do.
15:04I do.
15:05Well, maybe...
15:06Take the survival blanket.
15:07Ed?
15:08Er...
15:09Doorbell, someone!
15:10No?
15:11Two minutes.
15:12Yeah.
15:13Yeah.
15:14Hi, Robin.
15:15What's...
15:16Who's this?
15:17Yeah.
15:18I've got myself a specialist for Operation Gherkin Escape.
15:19I've got him, Sue!
15:20He's here!
15:21I hope you're hungry!
15:22Oh!
15:23Yes!
15:24Well done, Robin.
15:25Yeah!
15:26What's going on?
15:27Martin.
15:28He's Kay's new boyfriend, and crucially, stacked.
15:31Yeah.
15:32Where is Jo?
15:33Erm, it's this one, Martin.
15:34Yes.
15:35Martin.
15:36Oh!
15:37Oh!
15:38Oh!
15:39Yeah.
15:40Are you finished?
15:41No.
15:42Yeah.
15:43He's gone for another week.
15:44How's it going, Paul?
15:45It's a waste of time, Mum.
15:47He's mainly summarising segments from the Lord of the Rings.
15:50He's 24.
15:51I should be mentoring him, really.
15:53It's tight.
15:54Yeah.
15:55I know it's tight.
15:56Yeah.
15:57It's tight, all right.
15:58Can you not just opt out, Paolo, to put the old, up yours, Delors?
16:00No.
16:01No.
16:02I'm being assessed.
16:03He's assessing me.
16:04I need him to give me a good write-up.
16:06Oh!
16:07Yes, yes.
16:08This is...
16:09It's too tight.
16:10Aw.
16:11Well, thanks for trying.
16:12Yeah, what a great effort.
16:13Fantastic to watch.
16:14Goodbye.
16:15Cheers, Martin.
16:16Bye, Martin.
16:17Nice try, mate.
16:18Aw.
16:19Well, he seemed nice.
16:21Did he?
16:22I don't feel like I got to know him, really.
16:23Wow.
16:24Yeah?
16:25Wow.
16:26You didn't open it.
16:28Righty-o then, Paul.
16:32Shall we...
16:33Ooh.
16:34Sir Winlock?
16:35Uh...
16:36Nightclaw?
16:37I didn't recognise you without the black cape.
16:39Oh, well met, cousin.
16:40Brother.
16:41You two know each other?
16:44Yeah, of course.
16:45Everyone knows Sir Winlock.
16:46He is the bloodiest blade in the Three Kingdoms.
16:48Indeed I am, yes.
16:49We've robbed scabbards at quite a few lark festivals now.
16:51Are you hitting Kemston Wood this weekend or...?
16:53Don't be a knave.
16:54Bought a new drinking horn especially.
16:55Yeah.
16:56I'm helping organise it.
16:57Oh, that is lit.
16:58What's your real name, sorry, Nightclaw?
16:59Uh, Lee Smithard.
17:00Robin Hankey.
17:01The lark quest thing, is it Kemston Wood?
17:02It is indeed, my lady, where the kingdom of men will finally vanquish those forces of
17:07darkness.
17:08Why do you wear a cape?
17:09Uh, great question.
17:10So, I'm a scout, so I patrol the woodland after nightfall, searching for enemy spies,
17:15invaders, that sort of thing.
17:16He found my wallet last time.
17:17I did, yeah.
17:18Although that had a GPS tracking tile in it, to be fair.
17:20I would have found that anyway.
17:21GPS tile, didn't we?
17:22What's that?
17:23So, hang on, so hang on.
17:24Are you Paul's mentor?
17:26That's right, yeah.
17:27And I've got my work cut out with this one.
17:29Oh, my God, Paul.
17:33That's what we should do.
17:34What?
17:35We're LARPing.
17:36He's taught me so much about teamwork and fellowship.
17:38Completely.
17:39Oh, no.
17:40Oh, it'll be so good for you.
17:41And actually, as your mentor, I'm going to have to insist.
17:44I completely agree with Lee Paolo.
17:47Honestly, I was an absolute goon before I started LARPing.
17:50Exactly.
17:51Well, yeah, hang on.
17:52You can't insist, Lee, all right?
17:53You're my mentor.
17:54You're not my dad.
17:55What?
17:56And anyway, Rachel and I are busy this weekend, right, Rach?
17:58No, no, we can absolutely go if you want.
18:00I don't want.
18:01Well...
18:02I don't.
18:03And you don't want to go LARPing, do you?
18:04Yeah, really.
18:05Actually, if your boy would film it, that would be really handy for me
18:09because I'm trying to put together an online trailer for the next one.
18:11I can't.
18:12Sorry, I'll be on my DOV, also in Kempston Woods,
18:15which is the same reason Mum suddenly wants to come,
18:17so she can keep tabs on me.
18:18No, it's not.
18:19And it won't work.
18:20The wood's massive.
18:21I've changed my mind.
18:22It sounds like an educational and imaginative wonderland.
18:25Yeah, and I could film it, Nightclaw, if, you know, Sam lends me the camera.
18:29Er, yeah, go on then.
18:30I was only going to take my GoPro for DOV.
18:32Yes!
18:33Let's go, Team LARP!
18:34Oh-ho!
18:35Really?
18:36Oh, how exciting!
18:38I'm going to go as Priscilla Presley.
18:40It's got nothing to do with Elvis, Mum!
18:43She hasn't understood it.
18:44Oh!
18:45This is definitely the wrong way.
18:51Er, which way is it?
18:52He's a sheep.
18:53Are they meant to be sheep?
18:55I don't know.
18:56Oi!
19:03I love that dancing.
19:05Yes.
19:06Er, Rach, no phones.
19:08Prithee, good elf.
19:09A song.
19:10More!
19:11No, go away.
19:12Square ball!
19:14Fetch my mead.
19:15Yes, my leash.
19:16Coming.
19:18Oh, spill it!
19:19Not on the floor, dwarf.
19:21I'm sorry.
19:22I just...
19:23Your drinking horn's very tall and thin.
19:24Well, don't blame the horn.
19:25Hey, Terry.
19:26You all right?
19:27Old.
19:28How was the undead bit?
19:29It's, er...
19:31It was pretty dead.
19:32Ironically.
19:33Yeah.
19:34Yeah, well, stay with us.
19:35In the medieval bit.
19:36Ah!
19:37Good here, right, babe?
19:38Well, the toilets were a bit too medieval, but the music slaps.
19:42Mega slaps.
19:43Oh, wow, look at Granny.
19:44It really is like the sword on the stone.
19:46Oh, come on.
19:47One of you must be able to open it, surely.
19:49Come forth the next night.
19:51Oh, ridiculous.
19:52It's all absolutely powerful mad.
19:54Who?
19:55Nightclaw?
19:56Lee.
19:57His name's Lee.
19:58He's taking the absolute mick bait.
19:59How come?
20:00He's getting drunk and ordering me about.
20:01The prat.
20:02And who drinks out of a horn?
20:03Ridiculous.
20:04I can't put it down anywhere.
20:05Oh, and here come the orcs.
20:07Look.
20:08Nightclaw!
20:09Orc attack!
20:13Yes!
20:14Men of the West!
20:15And women of the West.
20:17Suck on that, sunshine.
20:19I'm so glad you're not one of them orcs who have been.
20:21I won't lie, babe.
20:22I was an orc in my 20s.
20:23I went through an orc phase.
20:24You remember that, palo?
20:25Big time.
20:26Yeah.
20:27Oh, yes.
20:29Oh, Rach, seriously, put it away.
20:31I think he's in trouble.
20:32What?
20:33Really?
20:34Sam, he hasn't moved for an hour.
20:36You mean the tracker hasn't?
20:37Mm-hmm.
20:38Yeah, they're probably just having a nap, Rachel.
20:39Stop spying on him.
20:40Look, he's inside a house.
20:42Is he?
20:43Really?
20:44Let me see.
20:45Hmm.
20:46There, look.
20:47Oh, yeah.
20:48No, that is quite creepy because that's like the only house in the whole forest.
20:50Yeah, I'm sure it's fine.
20:51Are you?
20:52Why?
20:53If Hansel and Gretel had a tracking tile on them, that's exactly what you'd see.
20:56Oh, my God.
20:57They've been abducted.
20:59I bloody knew it.
21:00A psychopath has probably got them in his dungeon.
21:03Yeah.
21:04Oh.
21:05I seriously doubt he's got a dungeon rage.
21:06What sorcery is this?
21:07Oh, my God.
21:08Take a day off, mate.
21:09Squire Paul.
21:10Oh.
21:11Why is your wench still got a phone on her?
21:13Wench?
21:14Does he mean me?
21:15Well, I did tell her.
21:16You need to turn it off.
21:17Turn it off.
21:18Oh, wait.
21:19Piss off, Lee.
21:20Woo.
21:21Oh, my God.
21:22Don't tell my mentor to piss off, Rach.
21:23My son is in a house in these woods, possibly trapped.
21:27And I don't mean in a make-believe, oh, let's buy costumes off eBay because we hate our jobs
21:31kind of way.
21:32This is real.
21:33Our real son is in real danger.
21:36So I don't have to listen to your nerdy little rules or use your nerdy little names.
21:42Either do something to help us or get back to your am-dram, oldy-worldy bullshit.
21:47Oh, my age.
21:48Well, he's in these woods?
21:49Yes.
21:50Three miles away.
21:51Oh.
21:52And you said he's in trouble?
21:53I think so, yeah.
21:54You don't know that.
21:55Could be.
21:56Men of the West!
21:57Who?
21:58Prepare a rescue party!
21:59Yeah!
22:00Love it!
22:01Whoa, really?
22:02One of our number is being held captive some three miles hence.
22:03Might be captive, probably not captive.
22:04But, my claw, our permit from the council says that we must stay within the festival compound.
22:20Well, that's not the council, obviously.
22:22I, who amongst you, will ride out with me!
22:28Ride out as in?
22:30Running off?
22:31Okay.
22:32Yeah.
22:33Come on, let's go.
22:34What?
22:35Really?
22:36Can't we just stay here and drink me?
22:37Oh, no!
22:38No!
22:39What?
22:40It's this way!
22:41It's this way!
22:42This way!
22:43This way, my lord!
22:44This way!
22:45Yeah!
22:46Oh, yeah!
22:47Oh, yeah!
22:50Babe, you coming?
22:51I'm not running three miles, Robin.
22:53I don't care how abducted Sam is.
22:55We could follow in my Skoda ENIAC!
22:57Oh, good idea, Merlin.
22:59I'll just get me gherkins.
23:00Hee-hee!
23:01I'll meet you there.
23:03I'm so boring!
23:05You can slow down a bit.
23:07Yeah!
23:10Oh, my God.
23:11Oh, my...
23:12Oh!
23:13There it is!
23:14Oh!
23:15Oh, oh, God!
23:16What?
23:17There's definitely got a dungeon in there.
23:18Hmm.
23:19So, Paul, my mead.
23:20Yes, my lady, yeah.
23:24You shouldn't be filling it out from a plastic bottle.
23:26What am I supposed to transport the mead in, eh?
23:28An even bigger horn?
23:29Is he still in there?
23:30Oh, Dessie!
23:31Oh, Dessie!
23:32He's not moved for ages.
23:34He's probably tied to a...
23:37...something awful.
23:38A chair, probably.
23:39He's not.
23:40So, what's the plan, then?
23:41Right.
23:42Right.
23:43We're not going to do anything rash.
23:45All right?
23:46Okay.
23:47We're just going to see if anyone's in.
23:48And then...
23:50Lee!
23:51Lee!
23:52Lee!
23:53Withdrawing!
23:54Withdrawing!
23:55Stop it!
23:56Where are you?
23:57Oh, no!
23:58Stop it!
23:59Stop hitting the furniture!
24:00Show your face!
24:01Oh, my.
24:02He's lost it.
24:03Oh, that's the toilet!
24:04There might be someone in there!
24:05Come on, Lee!
24:06Oh!
24:07Oh!
24:08Oh, okay.
24:09I think he's all right.
24:10Oh!
24:11Oh!
24:12Get out of my house!
24:13What the hell are you doing?!
24:15I'm so sorry.
24:17Um, we're...
24:18We're his parents.
24:19That one, not the other two.
24:20Yeah, I'm his granny.
24:22Hi, granny.
24:23Hi, Sam.
24:24Hi, hello.
24:25Hello, darling.
24:26Hi, Sam.
24:27Hi, Mr and Mrs Jackson.
24:28Hi, Kai.
24:29Hi, Ryan.
24:30I'm not worried about them, you see.
24:32He's on his D of E.
24:34Meant to be.
24:35Why are you dressed as a dwarf?
24:37I'm not...
24:38Oh, my God!
24:39I am not a dwarf!
24:40I am a human!
24:41A short human.
24:42A short human, but nevertheless, I'm an archer!
24:45We're undead.
24:46Wizard!
24:47Yeah, we're at a LARPing festival down the road.
24:49You can dress up as historical or fantasy characters.
24:52Yeah.
24:53What?
24:54Why?
24:55Well, you know.
24:56I don't know.
24:57Nerd's gonna nerd.
24:58What's the point?
24:59Why is our son in your house?
25:01He's meant to be hiking to a campsite.
25:04They got lost.
25:05Found them bothering the sheep.
25:07Huh.
25:08I was gonna give them a lift once they'd eaten something.
25:10Well, I hardly think that's what the Duke of Edinburgh intended
25:13when he established the award.
25:16I think it's okay.
25:17I don't think he's gonna find out now, is he?
25:18No.
25:19No, not now.
25:20No.
25:21He's dead.
25:22Yeah, but...
25:23Well, yeah.
25:24And actually, thank you for feeding them.
25:25Um, and sorry for barging into your house.
25:27Say so.
25:28Mum?
25:29Hmm?
25:30How did you know I was here?
25:31That's a fair question.
25:32How did I know you were here?
25:34Um, Rach?
25:35I put the tracking tile in your bag.
25:39What?
25:40I did, yeah.
25:41Because you wouldn't take the first aid kit.
25:43Or the survival shovel.
25:45So, you know...
25:46No, it's because you're a lunatic.
25:48Well, a combination of the two, maybe.
25:50But, okay.
25:51Don't.
25:52I'll get him out of here.
26:00I am sorry, Sam.
26:03I really am.
26:05I'm 16 now.
26:06Yeah.
26:07You've got to trust me.
26:09No, I know.
26:10I mean, obviously, to me, you're still only about nine, but I will try.
26:13In future.
26:14I promise.
26:15So, does that mean me, Ryan and Kai can go to Corfu this summer?
26:22I'm fired!
26:24No, of course not.
26:27Okay.
26:28Sam?
26:29Hmm?
26:30Where's this campsite, then?
26:31Uh, it's about eight miles that way, I think.
26:35Why?
26:36I loved D of E back in the day.
26:37Look, we'll take you there.
26:38Wait.
26:39What?
26:40In your car?
26:41No, we'll hike it.
26:42I'm absolutely jacked after that.
26:44I need to burn off the adrenaline.
26:45Oh, I'm so happy that you've booked this.
26:49I think I just drink too much mead.
26:51I know.
26:52I know.
26:53That stuff's so sweet, you forget it's alcoholic.
26:56Yeah.
26:57It's the original alcohol pop.
26:58I should've just listened to you, Paul.
27:00Yes, you should.
27:01Yes, you should.
27:03You shouldn't make quick decisions by yourself.
27:06Always call for backup.
27:08A very promising young police officer taught me that.
27:12You.
27:14Oh, God.
27:16No.
27:17It's okay.
27:19Robin?
27:20You?
27:21Robin?
27:22Have you seen my gherkins?
27:23Oh.
27:24Did you leave them inside?
27:25Oh.
27:26Yeah.
27:27I think I did.
27:28Sorry.
27:29Excuse me.
27:30But have you seen my gherkins?
27:31Me jo...
27:32What?
27:33No way.
27:35Behold!
27:36The chosen ones!
27:38I...
27:39Can you get out of my house, please?
27:41Yeah.
27:42Robin!
27:43You!
27:44It's happening.
27:45It's...
27:46As in...
27:47It's happening!
27:48Oh, God.
27:49Oh, my God.
27:50Okay, I'm on it.
27:51Um...
27:52Is anyone here a doctor?
27:54What?
27:55Why?
27:56Yes.
27:57I'm a doctor.
27:59Er...
28:00But an...
28:01Org doctor or a real doctor?
28:03Well, I'm a consultant orthopaedic surgeon at Milton Keynes University Hospital.
28:07Oh, wow.
28:08I wasn't expecting that.
28:09Oh, come on, quick!
28:10My wife's about to give birth!
28:11Oh, gosh.
28:12Has she?
28:13Got one, Chez?
28:14No.
28:15Not an orc.
28:16Don't worry.
28:17I'm gonna look after you.
28:18Everything's gonna be tickety-boo.
28:20Can you take the face off, please?
28:21Because I do not want my baby being delivered by an orc!
28:25Yeah, mask off, brother.
28:26Of course, of course.
28:28Er, by the way, I'm Sebastian.
28:30Hey, we're having a baby!
28:32Woo!
28:33Do you want me to film the birth, babe, or...?
28:35No!
28:36看到 work on her.
28:37We're off, babe.
28:38Bye.
28:39Hello!
28:40See us soon.
28:41Bye.
28:55Bye.
28:57Bye.