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RETRO TV
  • 7/21/2025

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00:00I hope that's a first-class stamp.
00:30I object to having second-class stamps thrust through my letterbox.
00:37I should have thought postman would be trained to recognise first-class stamp houses.
00:43It's not the post office puts the stamps on, it's the senders.
00:47Oh yes, of course, blame the public.
00:51Would you please inform your supervisor that in future I want my stamps adjusted upwards.
00:58How do I look?
01:07I want your opinion.
01:09Is this appropriate for business wear?
01:14You two don't just sleep, you hibernate.
01:21Is that Onslow's beer I see spilling out onto the floor?
01:26Oh nice, up half the night with your hyacinth and now there's some other comedian.
01:36Unless you'd bog off.
01:38I'm still in hyacinth aftershock.
01:41Oh don't go back to sleep.
01:43Tell me how I look.
01:45What makes you think I can see?
01:48Daisy!
01:49Ah!
01:50Daisy!
01:51Well, if it's our hyacinth's come back, I'm not him.
01:55But she's not come back.
01:57I'll say this much for your hyacinth.
01:58She leaves a lot of happiness behind her.
02:01It's such a relief when she's gone.
02:04How do I love for doing what?
02:09For selling costume jewellery door to door.
02:12Am I dressed properly for business?
02:15If you'd get arrested for that kind of business.
02:19Richard!
02:20One of these days you'll find me lying in a pool of blood.
02:32Listen to this.
02:34Wanted Managing Director Frozen Foods.
02:38Only persons of proven ability should apply for this senior position.
02:44Why are you telling me this?
02:45Because it's you, Richard.
02:47It's absolutely you.
02:50Frozen food?
02:51Oh, not that bit, dear.
02:53But person of proven ability.
02:56And the firm is Frosticles.
02:59Their factory is only a few miles down the road.
03:02You could be home for lunch every day.
03:05Wait a minute, housing.
03:06You could have the firm's car.
03:08Probably a chauffeur.
03:09Hang on.
03:10Are you suggesting that I should apply?
03:12Well, not through the normal channels, dear.
03:15I mean, what's the point of knowing people if one has to apply through the normal channels?
03:20Do we know people?
03:21Oh, not just people.
03:24We know Frosticles himself.
03:27Or at least Mrs. Frosticles.
03:30The Millburns.
03:31That thrusting creature on the ladies' luncheon committee.
03:36She was a Hackett from Wilton Street before she laid herself shamelessly in the path of Frosticles.
03:42We must make sure that he knows you're available.
03:47Now, sit there and practice being firm.
03:53All you have to do is say no.
03:56Have you ever tried saying no to Hyacinth?
03:59Liz, she's just a human being.
04:07Just.
04:08Look, you're a free spirit.
04:10If you don't want to go round there for coffee when she asks you, say no.
04:14But it doesn't make any difference.
04:16She never listens anyway.
04:18All right.
04:19We'll rehearse it.
04:21You sit there practicing steely determination, and I shall pretend to be Hyacinth.
04:27Greater love hath no man for his sister than to be Hyacinth.
04:36Right.
04:37Here we go.
04:41Phone ringing.
04:43Well, answer it.
04:49Hello?
04:50Coffee at 11, Elizabeth.
04:54Thank you, Hyacinth.
04:58Oh, no!
04:59I'm sorry.
05:00But you were so lifelike.
05:07Now, the first thing to do is to get you to meet Mr. Milburn.
05:11Frosticles himself.
05:14No underlings.
05:16Go straight to the top.
05:18I don't know the man.
05:20Of course, it'll have to look like a chance meeting.
05:23Oh, you're not going to start plotting me into something.
05:26I still blush when I remember how you tried to make me president of the archery club.
05:32We were doing splendidly until you shot Mrs. Lazenby.
05:37I've never heard such a fuss.
05:39It was only a glancing wound.
05:41We get it wrong.
05:42We always get it wrong.
05:44Richard!
05:45I'm doing this for you, dear.
05:49It is my duty to give you a new vision for the future.
05:54In frozen foods?
05:55In a senior executive position.
05:58I'll get frostbite.
05:59Oh, Richard.
06:00You know, bits of me will start falling off.
06:03I can't apply for a position like that.
06:06Of course you can't.
06:08You don't think that these senior executive positions are filled by application.
06:14It's always done by people knowing people.
06:18People upon whom one has made an impression on social occasions.
06:22But where am I going to make an impression on old Frosticles?
06:27On the golf course.
06:29What?
06:30A hyacinth, that is not a good idea.
06:32Leave it to me, dear.
06:33He'll probably be on the course this evening.
06:37But relaxing after a day's executing.
06:40Then you'll come along looking ruthlessly efficient.
06:43This time I'm going to clobber Mrs. Frosticles.
06:51That was a lot better.
06:53Let's have another go.
06:55And remember, Liz.
06:57You're a woman not to be trifled with.
07:01Right. Here we go again.
07:04Phone's ringing.
07:07Hello?
07:08It's only me, Elizabeth.
07:13Coffee at 11.
07:15No, thank you, Hyacinth.
07:17Some other time.
07:19I did it!
07:25You see, well done.
07:27It's just a question of getting started, isn't it?
07:30Once you've started, it's quite easy.
07:32And you are very good.
07:34You really sounded like Hyacinth.
07:39I must ask you to never repeat that in front of a living soul.
07:43Come on, answer it.
07:45PHONE RINGS
07:48Hello?
07:50Coffee at 11?
07:52Thank you, Hyacinth.
08:00Now, let me see you, Richard.
08:03And remember, first impressions.
08:07PHONE RINGS
08:10The trouble is, I don't do impressions.
08:14No, no, no, Richard.
08:16I want to see a captain of industry.
08:19You mustn't let Frosticles see you looking indecisive like that.
08:23I feel indecisive.
08:25I'm happy with indecisive.
08:27Richard, when Frosticles first claps eyes on you,
08:30you must be looking forceful and executive.
08:32I shall be forceful and executive, Hyacinth.
08:36Good.
08:38I can feel it now, coming up through my knees.
08:41Oh!
08:43Here it comes!
08:45Up through my groin!
08:50Richard, what kind of language is that for a senior Frosticle?
08:54Next!
08:58Right, Liz.
09:00You failed on the telephone.
09:01Let's try it face to face.
09:03With Hyacinth?
09:04Yes, of course, with Hyacinth.
09:07Just tell her to her face that you haven't got the time to accept her invitation to coffee.
09:12Couldn't I do it on the telephone?
09:14You failed telephone.
09:19I shall fail face to face!
09:20I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive! I'm forceful and executive!
09:38Oh, it's you, Elizabeth.
09:48A little early, dear, but do come in.
09:51Oh, I...
09:52Actually, I...
09:53I came to tell you...
09:56And bring everything, too.
09:59Well, no, actually, I can't.
10:01I've got so many important things to do.
10:02Do sit down, my dears, anywhere.
10:10Except there.
10:13And leave that one for me.
10:19Milk. Milk.
10:24Is Richard all right?
10:26Why, dear?
10:28Well, he passed us on the doorstep
10:30when I thought he looked a bit... preoccupied.
10:33Oh, he's got a lot on his mind.
10:36He's toying with various offers
10:37for a senior executive position in industry.
10:40Now, make yourselves comfy.
10:43And if you'll excuse me,
10:44I'll just go and wipe Emmett's footmark off my woodblock.
10:49Perhaps I ought to take your shoes, Emmett.
10:52Come along.
10:55We don't want a repetition on your way out, do we?
10:58Of course, Richard and I never have this problem
11:02because we always wear leather.
11:08Don't say a word.
11:12She'll sing at me.
11:15Now she has me trapped and barefoot.
11:17Heaven knows what she'll do.
11:20Well, just don't let me spill the coffee.
11:23Everyone comfy?
11:24Good.
11:25I'll be back in a jiffy.
11:26Oh, make the coffee, will you, Elizabeth?
11:44I expect that's someone important.
11:47The Bacay residence, the lady of the house speaking.
11:51Oh, it's you, Daisy.
11:52How are you, dear?
11:53Hmm.
11:54Listen, Daisy.
11:56Tell Onslow to put a shirt on while I'm on the telephone.
12:02I can always sense him there, expanding.
12:08Onslow's in the garden.
12:10Daddy's gone naturist.
12:12Well, I think that's wonderful at his age.
12:14Yes, all that wholesome, healthy food.
12:19Plenty of roughage.
12:20Hmm.
12:21Onslow's trying to get Daddy down from where?
12:24Well, why would Daddy be up there?
12:27Oh, he's not that kind of naturist.
12:29Well, what kind of naturist is he?
12:32A stark naturist.
12:34I'm so glad you could pop in.
12:41We must do this again very shortly.
12:45Well, that was quicker than I thought.
12:48I've still got her coffee.
12:50Oh, thank you, dear.
12:57That's very kind of you.
12:59Mmm.
13:00My favourite brand, too.
13:02Where have you put Father?
13:14He's back in his bed, fast asleep.
13:18Is he wearing pyjamas?
13:20Says it's against his convictions.
13:28You're great in a crisis, Onslow.
13:30What crisis?
13:33Have we run out of beer?
13:38Oh.
13:39Just now, you were magnificent.
13:43I could see you in full profile as you went past, carrying Father.
13:50Hope you couldn't see him in full profile.
13:54You were wonderful, Onslow.
13:57Not that he's heavy.
13:58It's just, without any clothes on at his age, there's not much to get a hold of.
14:04And you did it all for me.
14:06I wish there was some way I could repay you.
14:09Listen, Daisy, when I promised to love, honour and obey, I didn't necessarily mean every Tuesday.
14:21How long has your father been a naturist?
14:29I think there must be some mistake.
14:32Daddy's always been C of E.
14:36Do they take their clothes on?
14:38I think it's a cry for help, dear.
14:44Mind the lorry.
14:46It's only left.
14:48And there's no lady on the pavement.
14:50I'm on the road, so everything is as it should be.
14:53I wish we could have a baby.
15:23I wish we could have Daddy at home, but he does so monopolise the bathroom.
15:37How can a place look like this 50 years after the Blitz?
15:41Leave it, leave it.
16:01Good dog.
16:22As soon as I'm quite sure Daddy's got all his clothes on, we must go and practise our golf, Richard.
16:27Can I ask you to face a little reality here?
16:30I'm terrible at golf.
16:32It's all right.
16:33He's finished being a naturist.
16:35He's fallen some nettles.
16:38Morning.
16:41I suppose I'd better go and put a coat on.
16:44No, no, no.
16:45Stay just as you are.
16:46You make a very powerful first impression dress like this, Onslow.
16:53I should like you to do me a little favour.
16:55You're looking very colourful, Richard.
17:09It's plan A with a touch of plan C.
17:16Hyacinth?
17:17Who else?
17:18I'm afraid you've just caught us sneaking off for a chucker of golf.
17:30There you are, dear.
17:35I didn't know you were so keen, Hyacinth.
17:39Oh, yes, dear.
17:40Richard's practically a fanatic.
17:42Come along, Richard.
17:48We want to get through the full 16 holes.
17:56Thank you, dear.
17:57Have a good chucker.
18:04Come along, Richard.
18:05We haven't got all day.
18:06Come along, Richard.
18:12Now, try to look as if we're meant to be here.
18:22Yes, this is the place.
18:24For what?
18:25The place where you will impress Mr Milburn.
18:29Hyacinth, I'm not frosticle material.
18:31I'll never make a frosticle.
18:33Richard, the refurbishment of the dining room
18:37is depending on your career as a frosticle.
18:39Hyacinth, golfing disaster that I am.
18:51I do know that we're supposed to keep out of this stuff.
18:54They'll think we're looking for a ball.
18:57Oh, yes, I can do that.
18:59Looking for a ball.
19:00Now you're talking my game.
19:03And it won't really be a lie, dear,
19:04because we are looking for something.
19:07What?
19:08Yeah, this is roughly where your hyacinth said.
19:18And she said don't wear a shirt.
19:21Are you certain she said that?
19:23That's what she said.
19:25I expect she wants me casual for golf.
19:29Why would she want you at all for golf?
19:32She knows I have sporting interests.
19:35You watch racing on telly.
19:37I don't just watch it.
19:40I put bets on.
19:42That's not like our hyacinth.
19:44She usually goes spare when you don't wear a shirt.
19:47All I know is she said there'd be a month's supply of beer and crisps in it.
19:51And if things go right, as much frozen food as we can eat.
19:56Frozen food?
19:58She's bribing you with frozen food?
20:00What's she up to?
20:03All I have to do is wait in the trees over there until she raises her club in the air as a signal.
20:11Then I have to show myself.
20:14Show yourself?
20:16Just stand on the edge of the golf course, looking all male and menacing.
20:20Why?
20:23I don't know why.
20:25But for a month's supply of beer and smoky bacon, I don't care why.
20:30It's your body.
20:33Our Harrison's getting fascinated with your body.
20:35Well, you know this Milburn, when you see him, he won't necessarily be covered in icicles, you know.
20:53Well, of course I'll know him.
20:55I stood very close to him once at the railway station.
20:58Oh, you know him that well.
21:00So what am I supposed to do when he comes?
21:05Plan A, dear.
21:07Remember, I shall give a signal to Onslow, who will emerge from the bushes and just stand there.
21:14The Milburn party will espy him and know that he's up to no good.
21:19How will they know he's up to no good?
21:21Because that's the impression Onslow always makes.
21:26So he's standing there, up to no good?
21:29Then, I shall say in a voice loud and clear,
21:33Richard, will you please do something about that suspicious-looking person?
21:38You will then walk towards Onslow
21:42and throw him out.
21:45And so the Milburns will be bowled over by your executive potential.
21:57Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:59You're all right, I think.
22:00She looks a right muffin in that golfing gear.
22:03It's been a long time since you brought me into the woods, Onslow.
22:11Now, don't start getting broody.
22:15First with a leaf mould and you're off.
22:18Meet Harzen, you used to say.
22:21You, Jane.
22:21Then you used to beat your chest and chase me through the woods.
22:24That goes with the lessons, Daisy.
22:26We had one-track minds in those days.
22:29That was full of hormones.
22:32We wasted all our educational opportunities.
22:36The number of times we went into those woods.
22:40We never once noticed a squirrel, did we?
22:46Richard, here they come.
22:48Start looking executive.
22:49He's the one in the red trousers.
22:54Couldn't work for anybody who wears red trousers.
22:57Now, on my signal, Richard.
23:02Ah!
23:02Ah!
23:19I've never seen anything like it.
23:34Fuck!
23:35Fuck!
23:38Fuck!
23:49Richard, I don't like the look of this suspicious-looking person.
24:00Please get rid of him.
24:10Suicide mission.
24:12I admire the fool's nerve.
24:14Very rare quality these days.
24:16Such stupidity.
24:19Well done, that man.
24:33Please play through.
24:37Thank you, madam.
24:38And congratulations to your husband.
24:41He's a dynamo.
24:43To his fingertips, bless him.
24:45I've known him throb away quietly, even in repose.
24:49You've done it, dear.
25:04They were impressed.
25:05Can we go home now?
25:06Of course not, dear.
25:08We'll finish the round, and then we get chatting to Mr. Milburn in the club.
25:12Hey!
25:24Shhh!
25:25Strikes me, mate.
25:26You need a bigger hole or smaller ball.
25:29Come on, man, hurry up.
25:31Come on, we haven't got all day.
25:32oh he's coming your way oh don't look now richard but i do believe he yes he is mr milburn's coming
25:46he's going to invite us to join him i told you you'd made an impression i say would you mind
25:52do you think your husband could do his stuff again we've got a couple of offensive types up
25:58there need to be taught a lesson richard how wonderful he's leaning on you already dear
26:04off you go then dear
26:10go on come on hurry up let's see you get the little ball down the hole i should watch your stuff
26:22this chap's dynamite i've seen him deal with bigger lads than you
26:26oh yeah
26:27oh yeah
26:33is it coming
26:40No!
26:49No!
26:57No!
27:00Ah, not so good this time.
27:06Hello, missus. Go and walkies.
27:10Don't play games, do you?
27:19My God. She's magnificent.
27:25Richard. Richard. I've been offered a job with Frosticles.
27:31Oh, take it, Hyacinth. Please.
27:35I couldn't do that, dear. You'd be so bored at home without me.
27:40Ha, ha, ha, ha.
27:42Ha, ha.