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RETRO TV
  • 7/20/2025

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00:00Turn left.
00:02I did turn left.
00:03I distinctly told you to turn left.
00:06That's why I turn left. I'm no fool.
00:09It's easier to be lost than disobedient.
00:11Richard, I hope the entire weekend isn't going to be spoiled by your rebellious manner.
00:17Rebellious? It's hardly mutiny on the boat.
00:21Don't be silly, dear.
00:26Ah.
00:27There you are, you see. I knew it was left.
00:32I never doubted it for a moment.
00:38It's so long since I played golf.
00:41Hmm?
00:41I said it's so long since I played golf.
00:45I hope you're not going to let the Major down.
00:48It's very kind of the Major and his wife to suggest that we join them for the weekend.
00:52It means that we're socially upwardly mobile, dear.
00:59Until he sees how I play golf.
01:03Haven't you been practising?
01:05I don't like golf.
01:09That's very selfish.
01:10Oh, look. There's the Major's little two-seater.
01:22Isn't there something a trifle odd about elderly men and two-seaters?
01:26You wouldn't call the Major elderly, dear.
01:29He's our age.
01:30Thank you, Richard.
01:32I can see it's going to be a memorable weekend.
01:36All I meant was is we're not getting any younger.
01:40Richard, keep your voice down, dear.
01:42I shall prefer it if you are.
01:45You will be careful with the luggage.
01:47It's part of a very expensive matching set.
01:50Yes, madam.
01:51Oh, yes, I like the ambience.
02:00It's more baronial than hotels.
02:03Major's wife and I will be quite happy here.
02:08Good morning.
02:09Good morning.
02:12Ring the bell, Richard.
02:13Richard.
02:13Can I help you?
02:24Mr. and Mrs. Richard Bouquet, we have a reservation.
02:29What was the name again, please?
02:31Bouquet.
02:32That's spelt B-U-C-K-E-T.
02:36Oh, Bucket.
02:39Oh, yes, we have a bucket.
02:41Pronounced Bouquet, dear.
02:43If you would just fill in the form, please.
02:52Do be careful with the luggage.
02:56Do be careful with the luggage.
02:58It's part of a very expensive matching set.
03:03What does she think it is?
03:04Alligator?
03:05Alligator?
03:07For her, that would be a matching set.
03:09Would you kindly inform the Major and Mrs. Wilton-Smile that we have arrived?
03:16The Major and Mrs. Wilton-Smile?
03:17Yes, they're friends.
03:19We're here for a weekend break together.
03:21But I'm afraid the Major's here alone.
03:23Oh?
03:24He's not travelling with his wife.
03:26Oh, that's strange.
03:28Do hope she's not ill, dear.
03:29Still, I'm sure if she is, they're medically very well covered.
03:43There we are, madam.
03:45Oh, yes, it's quite nice.
03:49I'll just put the luggage over there, sir.
03:50Uh, fine.
03:51Fine.
03:57We've got a bit lost as we got you in the hotel.
04:00Oh.
04:01Will there be anything else, sir?
04:02No, thanks.
04:03There's your key.
04:05Oh.
04:05Thank you, sir.
04:07And...
04:08I hope you have a pleasant stay.
04:16Oh, Major.
04:18All alone.
04:18And what are you going to do while we're golfing?
04:22Oh, I shall lounge and luxuriate
04:24and weed my dame Barbara Cartland.
04:29And get somebody up here to wipe these windows.
04:39And don't forget the key, will you, dear?
04:41Oh.
04:45Come on.
04:46Let me snap that suspender.
04:48Whoo!
04:48Whoo!
04:52Oh!
04:52Oh!
04:56Doesn't sound as if he's here for the golf, either.
05:05Richard.
05:08Look in the register.
05:09See who's in room 210.
05:12You mean we should pry?
05:13How can I give them a disapproving look if I don't know who they are?
05:17Go on.
05:18Suppose somebody comes, I'll feel like, shoots the master spine?
05:22You are looking for the Major's Room.
05:24If while you are looking for the Major's Room,
05:27your eye happens to note who is in room 210.
05:30Now, let's see, what are the cultural options for the golfing Widow this weekend?
05:36Well, if I might suggest one option, you could do the golfing and I'll be the Widow.
05:42Now, don't be silly, dear.
05:44You'll enjoy playing with the Major.
05:45I must remember that.
05:49Well, who's in room 210?
05:53The Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
05:56The Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
05:58No, don't.
05:58The Mr. Smith.
05:59Oh, this is better.
06:06These people look more our sort.
06:09How can you tell?
06:10They're reading full-size newspapers.
06:14I would never strike up a conversation with anybody who reads the tabloids.
06:19Now, you run along, dear, and find the Major.
06:22I shall be perfectly all right here.
06:24Right.
06:27Good morning.
06:28Good morning.
06:34Good morning.
06:35Morning.
06:36Morning.
06:40Good morning.
06:41Good morning.
06:42Good morning.
06:43Good morning.
06:44Good morning.
06:45Good morning.
06:47Good morning.
06:48Good morning.
06:49Good morning.
06:50Good morning.
06:51Good morning.
06:52Good morning.
06:53Good morning.
06:54Good morning.
06:55Good morning.
06:56Good morning.
06:57Good morning.
06:58Good morning.
06:59Good morning.
07:00Good morning.
07:01Good morning.
07:02Good morning.
07:03Good morning.
07:04Good morning.
07:05Good morning.
07:06Good morning.
07:07Good morning.
07:08Good morning.
07:09Good morning.
08:10Have a lovely day.
08:42They're golfing together, my husband and the major.
08:51My husband allows himself occasional breaks from his enormous responsibilities with one
08:56of the larger local authorities.
08:57No, he does get a great deal of mental satisfaction from the knowledge that our son Sheridan is
09:05doing so well at university.
09:07Have you been here long?
09:11Since yesterday.
09:12Oh, a long weekend.
09:14That's nice.
09:15It would have been, except for the noises from room 210.
09:19Oh, my goodness, yes.
09:21Room 210.
09:24We passed it just now.
09:26It's not what one expects from a four-star hotel.
09:29If it continues, I shall complain.
09:33That won't be necessary.
09:35I understand the couple will be leaving this morning.
09:38Well, I should hope so.
09:40Noises like that can be very disconcerting for a considerate husband like mine.
09:44Mr. and Mrs. Smith, indeed.
09:51One wonders where these people come from.
09:54Oh, will you stop it?
09:59I've rarely known anybody quite as mischievous as you.
10:05Now, that's my Sheridan at 14 with his music diploma.
10:11And this is the house that we lived in then.
10:14Of course, we've moved to a much larger one now, in a very exclusive area.
10:20Richard loves to garden, you know.
10:22He loves to garden when he's not golfing with the major.
10:24Not that he only plays with majors, of course.
10:27After all, we're democratic to the core.
10:29But then, naturally, one prefers one's own kind.
10:37Oh, here's my Sheridan shrimping with his daddy in 1979.
10:45Good morning, sir.
10:46Oh, there you are, Bucket.
11:01Actually, Major, it's pronounced...
11:03What?
11:04Nothing.
11:05Look, about the golf.
11:06Yes, the golf.
11:07Yes, I'm afraid I can't make it.
11:09I've got this damn dicky leg.
11:11There's still some poxy foreign lead in it somewhere.
11:14It plays me up occasionally.
11:17I have to thrash the damn thing, you know.
11:19Now, about this golf.
11:21I've arranged for you to have a round with old Porky Hooten.
11:23He's a damn nice fellow.
11:24He'll be waiting for you up at the clubhouse.
11:26Now, you've got the name?
11:27Uh, Porky Hooten.
11:28That's right.
11:29You like old Porky.
11:32Sorry, dear.
11:33Just keep an eye on his scoring.
11:34That's all.
11:35Listen, I'm really not bothered about the golf.
11:37Not bothered?
11:38Good God, man.
11:38Don't say that out loud.
11:39Not round here.
11:40No, you'll enjoy it with old Porky.
11:42Take a hip flask with you.
11:43He likes a partner to have a hip flask.
11:45Off you go now.
11:46Porky's waiting.
11:46I haven't got a hip flask.
11:48Well, shove a bottle in your bag, old boy.
11:51Chop, chop.
12:08Gosh.
12:09Your rose didn't take any clubs.
12:13I don't think she'd need any clubs.
12:15It's a bit pricey.
12:18She's not paying, is she?
12:21Do you think we'll have time for the bevy before we take her home?
12:24I don't see why not.
12:26It's an hotel that says open to non-residents.
12:30Just one bevy on account that I'm driving.
12:34Unless your rose is going to drive, and then I could have a few.
12:41You'll probably have to put on a jacket.
12:43Rubbish.
12:46Have you seen what golfers wear?
12:48It's anything gold's in golfing wear.
12:54Good morning.
12:55Oh, Mrs. Bucket.
13:03Mrs. Bouquet.
13:04Can I help you?
13:05I wish the towels in my room to be replaced, please.
13:09Oh, is there something wrong?
13:11Well, your towels are rather hard and knotty, you see.
13:14Possibly not for those of coarser skin.
13:17But if I dried myself on them, I'd probably lose an entire layer of my epidermis.
13:21I should appreciate it if you could find me something softer.
13:26Certainly, madam.
13:27This is not just a whim.
13:29I have an unblemished reputation at home for the quality of my bathroom linen.
13:34I'm sure you have, madam.
13:35It is one of the attractions of my candlelight suppers, that our guests are able to take
13:41a peek at the quality of my bathroom linen.
13:44I'll see what I can do for you, Mrs. Bouquet.
13:47Good.
13:49Oh, and if at the same time you could get somebody up there to wipe the window in my room, it
13:54looks as though something's been squashed on it.
13:57We'll see to that for you, Mrs. Bouquet.
13:59Thank you, dear.
14:00I do like things to be just so.
14:03It's not that I'm fussy, of course.
14:07Where did your rules find a bloke that could afford to bring her to places like this?
14:12If I hadn't stayed faithful, maybe I could have found a bloke who could have afforded
14:17to bring me to places like this.
14:24No.
14:25I bet it needs more than just being unfaithful.
14:29The kind of place that makes you think maybe you should have had a shave.
14:34I think you should.
14:35I think you should have had a shave.
14:37On the other hand, the thing is to act natural.
14:40Be yourself.
14:41Always be yourself.
14:43If people can't penetrate unimportant service issues, they're never going to appreciate
14:47your fundamental qualities anyway.
14:50What fundamental qualities?
14:53And calm in a crisis.
14:56That's a fundamental quality.
14:59Only because you're too bone-idle to rush about in a panic.
15:02Well, are we going in or not?
15:10I want to finish me ciggy.
15:11Oh, I've been meaning to ask you, is your skin of a sensitive nature?
15:22Are you satisfied with the quality of the bathroom linen here?
15:27Would you like me to organise softer towels for you?
15:30Well, actually, we were just going for a walk round the garden.
15:34Oh.
15:35Yes, that's right.
15:36The garden.
15:37We often go and have a look round the grounds.
15:39So, perhaps we'll see you later.
15:42Oh, what a shame.
15:43Just as we were beginning to enjoy ourselves.
15:46Wait a minute.
15:47Why don't I come with you?
15:48No, there's no need to interrupt your plans.
15:54Oh, but I should love to stroll around the grounds with you.
15:57Really?
15:58Oh, yes.
16:00To me, horticulture at its highest is like music.
16:04Except for the manure, of course.
16:05The grounds look lovely from our bedroom window.
16:15You must show me all the points of interest.
16:19All of them?
16:21Put in just a few.
16:22I wouldn't dream of missing a single one.
16:27You might find it rather tiring.
16:29Oh, in the appreciation of nature, you'll find me tireless.
16:33It's a well-known fact, of course,
16:37that the love of a garden is indicative of one's social standing,
16:40as I'm sure you'll agree.
16:49I always make notes, of course.
16:53I'll make some for you if you like.
17:03Change the towels now, while there's no one in the room,
17:26before she finds something else to squawk about.
17:28Oh, you've not seen her yet.
17:31Lucky you.
17:34Oh, Mrs. Bouquet, I've just asked.
17:48Rose!
17:49Hi, as if...
17:50Rose!
17:56We must speak, Rose!
17:59What do you want?
18:00Ah, the delectable Mrs. Bucket!
18:03Nothing!
18:05Oh, Major, I'm nice to see you.
18:07Yeah!
18:08I say, lively couple in there,
18:10and chatting by the noises off.
18:11Do you know these people?
18:12Hardly.
18:13Thought not, excuse me.
18:14Oh, no.
18:14I say, mind yourself, old chap.
18:16You'll trip some of the army back.
18:17Get in!
18:18What happened to me, Major?
18:21Ah, spot of bother with the jolly old knee.
18:26What are you doing?
18:28I don't wish to discuss that with a perfect stranger.
18:34Riff-raff.
18:34Riff-raff!
18:46Riff-raff!
18:50We're in the holiday spirit, are we, old chap?
18:53What were you doing with that girl?
18:55I wasn't doing anything with her.
18:57I'm just about to have a bath before changing,
18:59and I surprised her.
19:01I'm not surprised.
19:04Stead, I'm wiggly, old boy.
19:05I'm just about to invite your good lady for a little drinky.
19:08Yes, it's very, very kind of you, Major,
19:10and I could do with a drink.
19:11But not downstairs.
19:12There are too many strange people about you.
19:14So, well, I know just the place.
19:16Yes.
19:16I'll meet you in the car park in ten minutes?
19:17Yes, well, I'll try.
19:19I'll try.
19:20Richard.
19:21Onslow's here.
19:23Why is Onslow here?
19:24Because Rose is here.
19:26He's come to take her home.
19:27Has Rose been staying here?
19:29In room 210.
19:35I must keep them away from the Major.
19:36They'll only make fun of his leg.
19:39Personally, I'd rather be with Onslow than go golfing.
19:42The Major's put me in with a complete stranger.
19:45Somebody called Porky Hooten.
19:48Porky Hooten?
19:49Oh, that's very public school.
19:52Porky Hooten.
19:54You must wear something striking, Richard,
19:56to make an impression.
19:57What I was going to wear?
19:58No, I'll advise you what to wear, dear.
20:00I mean, this man is probably connected closely
20:02with the aristocracy.
20:04He may even have a title.
20:05They do, you know, with names like Porky Hooten.
20:09The one thing they can't bear is timidity.
20:12Now, you must make every effort, Richard,
20:15to stun him with your personality.
20:19All right.
20:19No way.
20:20All right.
20:20Good?
20:20All right.
20:40I'm sorry.
20:42It's okay.
20:44Oh, there she is, the minx.
20:58Come in, Major.
21:00Good, she's attractive in a weird sort of way.
21:06What's our harsinth doing here?
21:08I don't know what she's doing here.
21:10All I know is I don't bring my friend downstairs in case she's lurking about.
21:14You know what she's like.
21:15She's liable to cause a scene.
21:20Would you put that on room 210?
21:22Very good, madam.
21:23Uh, what's these?
21:25Just a few biscuits, sir.
21:27I've got a long drive.
21:29What about a bacon butty?
21:32I'm afraid at this time of day it's just coffee and biscuits, sir.
21:36Oh, chuff me.
21:40What have you been living on all weekend, R-Rose?
21:42Don't ask.
21:44I wonder if it's safe to bring my friend downstairs now.
21:48To get stuck into these biscuits?
21:50Another one to get stuck into all these five little biscuits?
21:54Oh, nice.
21:55Ready for a little spit, are we?
22:18Anywhere, Major.
22:19Just take me away from here.
22:22Back, really?
22:23Back, that's what I did.
22:23Oh!
22:23Oh!
22:32Ah!
22:32Oh, my God.
23:02What are you doing, Major?
23:18David, can't tell.
23:20Now, Major.
23:21Here and now, if you like.
23:24I must be getting back.
23:25Listen, I believe I hear a linnard.
23:33God, you know just how to inflame a chest.
23:37I'm a member of the Choral Society.
23:42Mature, natured linnardies have always been my problem.
23:46Oh, my God.
23:54Oh!
23:58Even as a gang man oversees, my colleagues were all chasing after delicious little...
24:02But I was captivated by the Governor's wife.
24:07She was built to last, but I loved her.
24:10No, really, you must stop, Major.
24:15If my Sheridan were here, he'd be appalled.
24:22Oh, yeah.
24:28From the rear, she really does remind me of the Governor's wife.
24:32Dammit, I've scared her.
24:33The little flower.
24:34I love you, Mrs. Bucket.
24:37It will fail!
24:40Come back!
24:42Ah!
24:49I thought your rose was ready.
24:52She's just saying goodbye.
24:54I hope it's not one of her long goodbyes.
24:57If it's one of your roses' long goodbyes, we'll be here all afternoon.
25:00I remember when we used to have long goodbyes.
25:04Back at the bus sheltered in Garibaldi Street.
25:08Of course I remember.
25:09We missed a fizzing bus, didn't we?
25:17What the heck?
25:18It's a rough guess I'd say she'd been mauled by a bear.
25:28It's not that from our house, it looks like she's been mauled by a bear.
25:32That's more like Rose.
25:33Oh, no!
25:35Give it up!
25:39Oh, no, no!
25:53Oh, no!
25:56Oh, no, no, no!
25:57you're absolutely right they are beautiful grounds a little overgrown in places
26:27what's happened to you typical men expect you to look your best at every moment
26:50no golf no just when you think there's no compassion in the universe
26:57silly but why are we going home what have you done to yourself what do you mean what
27:02have i done to myself i've just been making a few horticultural notes
27:21poor old major he was wounded somewhere east of suez i'm not surprised
27:27though he didn't pay me a great compliment apparently i remind him of the governor's wife