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RETRO TV
  • 7/21/2025

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Transcript
00:00Good morning, madam. You the one with the wonky telly?
00:10No, I am not the one with the wonky telly.
00:13I am the lady whose television requires adjusting.
00:16Oh, I see. Can I come in?
00:20If you promise not to brush against my walls.
00:25They've recently been redecorated up to and beyond British standards.
00:30Now, wipe your shoes.
00:33On second thoughts, you'd better remove them.
00:37But I've...
00:37No, you'll be perfectly all right.
00:40You'll be standing on Grade 1 Axminster.
00:43This way.
01:02And be careful.
01:04What exactly is wrong with you, sir? Is it the picture or the sound?
01:12It's neither.
01:13What I want you to do is to insert one of those little things that goes bleep over every expletive.
01:19Come along.
01:19Oh, I wish I could do with my love life what Onslow does with that telly.
01:43Help yourself.
01:46You spilled beer all over it yesterday.
01:50Oh!
01:51Oh, suck yourself down now, Rose.
01:53Are you sure he's worth it?
01:55Oh, this one's different.
01:56It's only in books they're different.
02:00In life, they spill beer on the telly.
02:04This one's single.
02:06Now, that is different.
02:07How long's he been divorced?
02:11Oh, Mr Bartholomew's never been married.
02:13What?
02:14Diabolical cunning.
02:16Mr Bartholomew's a very quiet, shy, respectable person.
02:22Were they out of riffraff this week?
02:24I don't only meet riffraff.
02:27That's all you bring here.
02:28That's all you can bring here.
02:33Where on earth did you meet a shy, quiet, respectable person?
02:38I bumped into him coming out of this awful low boozer.
02:43If he's so shy, what's he doing an awful low boozer?
02:47Oh, not him.
02:48It was me coming out of the awful low boozer.
02:52Did you bring any beer?
02:53No, I didn't.
02:55I'm sitting here completely surrounded by no beer.
03:00Hello, is that the meteorological office?
03:04Good morning to you.
03:06My name is Bouquet, B-U-C-K-E-T.
03:10I'd like your shipping forecast department, please.
03:14Do we really need the shipping forecast?
03:17Richard, we're going yachting this weekend.
03:20We need the shipping forecast.
03:22Yes, but it's not...
03:23I will not embark on an expedition of this magnitude without taking elementary precautions.
03:29It's not as if the boat will be actually moving.
03:32We're spending the weekend tied up alongside.
03:38Oh, no, yes.
03:40And good morning to you.
03:41Now, my husband and I are going yachting this weekend, and we'd like your shipping forecast.
03:51Which area?
03:53Which area?
03:54Well, tell them.
03:55Tell them where the boat is moored.
03:56I don't have an exact compass bearing to hand, but we'll be on the river near Oxford.
04:04Well, why am I not entitled to a shipping forecast?
04:12Look, I may not be going as far as fish a German bite,
04:16but are such things as Cromarty Dogger and Heligoland strictly reserved for special sailors?
04:24Look, I warn you.
04:26If we get lost in a hurricane, I'll report you to your superiors.
04:29If I hear the word yacht from that woman just once more,
04:40I swear I'll buy a U-boat.
04:44I wish I hadn't accepted Hyacinth's invitation now.
04:48Look, I hope you're not going to go in that mood.
04:50We've heard nothing but yachts for the whole damn week.
04:53Oh.
04:54I feel as if I've already sailed, single-handed,
04:57the entire length and breadth of the uncharted Hyacinth.
05:01Still, it is kind of her to invite us down for the night.
05:04I think.
05:06Kind?
05:08It's chilling.
05:09Just imagine,
05:11a whole night on board some old bucket,
05:13with another old bucket.
05:21Two sets.
05:22One, two.
05:31A jersey.
05:33You'll need a serviceable seagoing jersey.
05:36For being moored at a jetty.
05:40The least you can do, Richard, is try to look the part.
05:46Life belts.
05:49Shall we need life belts?
05:51Well, only on one side of the boat.
05:57I do wish you would stop referring to it as a boat.
06:01The word is yacht, dear.
06:03It's the least you can do when Sheridan's made arrangements
06:05for us to spend the weekend on his friend's father's yacht.
06:09Mustn't appear too eager.
06:24Oh, go on, then.
06:26Hello?
06:27Oh, Mr. Bartholomew.
06:29The last person I expected.
06:35It's him.
06:37It's Mr. Bartholomew.
06:39Who?
06:41Shut up.
06:43No.
06:44No, no, no.
06:45You're not interrupting anything.
06:46No.
06:46I was just sitting here quietly, reading my prayer book.
06:57Oh, yes.
06:59Yes, I often read my prayer book.
07:02Would the family laugh at me?
07:08There goes Rose again, they say, reading her prayer book.
07:15Yes, I agree.
07:17Perhaps I...
07:18I don't look religious.
07:19But isn't there something in the Bible about
07:22hiding your light under a bushel?
07:25A very short bushel.
07:30But off, Hanslow!
07:36Oh, Richard, that's not very Hearts of Oak, is it?
07:41It's as far as I go, old sea dog-wise.
07:45I'm not exactly tackling the Armada.
07:47We are a seafaring nation.
07:51I will not permit you to walk in the shadow of Nelson and Raleigh
07:55in a sweater like...
08:00Don't forget the ship's biscuits, dear.
08:08And the weevils.
08:12The Bacay residence, the lady of the house speaking.
08:15Oh, it's you, Rose.
08:18You've caught me just in time, dear.
08:21Richard and I are going off yachting this weekend.
08:24Hmm.
08:26You want me to lend you what, dear?
08:28A prayer book.
08:31Why do you need a prayer book, Rose?
08:34Oh!
08:36Richard, Rose's new gentleman friend sounds rather religious.
08:41But he'll need all the help he can get.
08:42This is very good news, dear.
08:47It's time you settle down with someone respectable.
08:51Oh!
08:52Why don't you and Mr. Bartholomew drive out to our yacht this afternoon
08:57and partake of tea and nautical light refreshments?
09:00All ready for the off, Richard?
09:08Or should I say, anchors away!
09:11I wish you wouldn't.
09:12I really wish you wouldn't.
09:14A weekend on board?
09:16Make a change for you.
09:17I suppose so.
09:19We'll be seeing you later.
09:20Yes.
09:21Looking forward to it.
09:22It's very kind of you to lie like that.
09:25It can make a change for all of us.
09:27And it's very kind of Hyacinth to invite us.
09:31Oh!
09:32Good grief!
09:33I've just realised.
09:34What's the matter?
09:36I hope I don't spill drinks on somebody's yacht.
09:39I mean, will it be rocking a lot, do you think?
09:42I shouldn't think so.
09:43It's moored.
09:44We're not actually moving it.
09:46Oh, that's a relief.
09:47That does put my sweat in the face.
09:56Oh, I say Hyacinth.
09:59You do look the part.
10:01Thank you, dear.
10:03I think one has a duty to dress for the occasion.
10:11You'll join us later, Elizabeth.
10:14Yes.
10:15Looking forward to it.
10:16You'll come alongside this evening
10:18in time for drinks and my nautical buffet.
10:46Slowly pass number 32.
10:51You're going too fast.
10:52I'm hardly moving.
10:54I want them to see that we're going yachting.
10:57Why?
10:59She puts her nose in the air when she's going golfing.
11:01I wanted to get a good view of this yachting cap.
11:06She'll probably think you're selling ice cream or something.
11:08I don't like that tone, Richard.
11:15Though it's true she might mistake the occasion unless she gets a better view.
11:20Stop the car.
11:21No, not here, dear.
11:25Outside number 32.
11:26Now, we'll both get out and wave goodbye to Elizabeth.
11:34This has gone indoors.
11:36I can see that, Richard, but she can't see that at number 32.
11:41Is she watching?
11:54I feel as though everybody's watching.
11:56Goodbye, dear.
11:57Goodbye.
11:59Bye.
12:00Very older, dear.
12:02Goodbye.
12:02Goodbye.
12:03Now, say something nautical.
12:06Like what?
12:07Oh, good gracious, Richard, do I have to think of everything?
12:12Say goodbye with a nautical flavour.
12:16I only know ship ahoy.
12:18That's me finished.
12:19But that's no good, dear.
12:22Now, come on, heave to and weigh anchor.
12:25What?
12:26Get in the car.
12:30See you on board, dear.
12:32Cocktails on the quarter deck.
12:37You're letting the side down, Richard.
12:48She didn't see you at number 32 because you look most unseaman-like.
12:54I am unseaman-like.
12:56I think it only fair to warn you, Hyacinth, that I should always be unseaman-like.
13:02Nonsense.
13:03British people have the sea in their blood.
13:05All I've got is the undiluted red stuff, and it's quite sufficient.
13:11Thank you, sir.
13:14Can I help you, madam?
13:15What have you got for a yacht?
13:18Pardon?
13:19My husband needs to be kitted out for our yacht.
13:26I'm not sure we have anything suitable in stock.
13:29Oh, well, that's it then.
13:30Let's be off.
13:31We could order you something.
13:34There's no time.
13:36We set sail this afternoon.
13:39Now, come here, Richard.
13:42Don't give up so quickly.
13:44Let's see what we can find.
13:49Well, you look much better, Richard.
13:51Much more seaman-like.
13:53Quite the nautical figure.
13:55Richard, come along, Richard.
14:01We'll miss the tide.
14:07I'm sure you feel much more comfortable and relaxed now.
14:11I do not feel relaxed.
14:19Well, you look fine.
14:24Uh, sailor?
14:27Never mind.
14:29Oh, do stop moaning, Richard.
14:38You're on holiday.
14:40It's a little holiday.
14:41I can't help it.
14:42I feel peculiar every time I see these terrible white things.
14:46What terrible white things?
14:48My knees.
14:51Why the devil do I have to wear shorts?
14:53If shorts are good enough for the Royal Navy,
14:56I see no reason why you should complain, Richard.
15:02Turn here.
15:03Which way?
15:04Port.
15:05No, no, starboard.
15:15Reception's round the corner, dear.
15:17I'm glad we'd rest you in something more suitable.
15:31I'm just glad I'm not where anyone knows me.
15:34Oh, that's a nice one over there.
15:37Mmm, I think I could take to cruising.
15:42Smell that air.
15:44It's only the river.
15:45We're not in the roaring forties.
15:46Now, Richard,
15:47I will not have you muttering mutinously.
15:52Wait here
15:53whilst I go into the marina office
15:55and receive the keys to our yacht.
16:04Well, I can't stand here chatting.
16:07We must weigh anchor.
16:09So it's goodbye, my hearties.
16:14Here we are, then.
16:15The keys to Contessa 2.
16:17She lies at birth 29.
16:19Contessa 2, Richard.
16:21Lovely name.
16:22Sounds very expensive.
16:24Which way is birth 29?
16:25I'd like to get indoors.
16:27Richard.
16:28Not indoors, dear.
16:29Down below.
16:31Which way is it?
16:32This way, it's full steam ahead, Richard, for birth 29.
16:37Ahoy there.
16:38Oh, hi there.
16:53Keep up, Richard.
16:57Come alongside.
16:58Oh, Richard, look.
17:08She's beautiful.
17:11You must take a photograph, dear.
17:20Take it from over there, dear.
17:22Oh, there's a draught from the water.
17:31Take a nice one, Richard.
17:36We might make it our Christmas card this year.
17:38Well, why not?
17:40It's cold enough from where I'm standing.
17:46Right.
17:47Come on, Richard.
17:48Come aboard, dear.
17:51Look sharp and be ship-shaped, Richard.
17:53Isn't it exciting?
18:02Beautiful.
18:03A fine ship, Richard.
18:09Oh.
18:16Oh.
18:18Some fools give me the wrong keys.
18:22How annoying.
18:23You'll have to go back to the office, Richard.
18:26And make sure you get the right keys this time.
18:30Ah.
18:31I'll stay here and guard ship.
18:34From what?
18:35I don't think pirates get this far.
18:39I'm going.
18:50Hyacinth.
18:51It's not the wrong key.
18:53It's the wrong boat.
18:55What do you mean it's the wrong boat?
18:57It's ideal.
18:58I like it very much.
19:00It's not Contessa 2.
19:03If you don't believe me, come and read the name.
19:09What?
19:10See?
19:11How disappointing.
19:14Unless, of course, Contessa 2 is an even nicer boat.
19:18They said Berth 29.
19:19Maybe there's another boat in Berth 29.
19:24Oh, how can I entertain people to a nautical buffet on a thing like that?
19:39Oh, Liz, you look really smart.
19:40Oh, please don't say that with quite such an air of surprise.
19:55I suppose that means I've got to make some sort of effort.
19:59Well, after all, it is some kind of yacht.
20:01We can't go looking like stowaways.
20:04I wish we weren't going at all.
20:06She'll only sing at me.
20:08It's not a singing occasion.
20:10She always sings at me.
20:12I've had close-ups of that woman's epiglottis you wouldn't believe.
20:15But it's not as if there'll be a piano.
20:20No, I very much doubt if a yacht is big enough for a piano.
20:24Sea shanties.
20:26I'll die if she starts singing sea shanties.
20:32Bad little craft.
20:33It's just that she looks so inferior compared to the one next door.
20:39That's it.
20:41Hmm?
20:42Richard!
20:43You've hit it.
20:45You're going to have to move her.
20:47Me?
20:48How clever of you, dear.
20:50We must move her.
20:52She'll look better on her own.
20:53I haven't got a clue how to move her.
20:56Will you drive a car, dear?
20:58No!
21:01Not really.
21:02I just steer.
21:03I always feel that you're the one in the driving.
21:10I told you you could do it.
21:12Now, I will assume command and navigate.
21:17And then, first, a little bit this way.
21:24Stop it.
21:25That's port.
21:27Oh, well, you know what I mean, dear.
21:28Now, on my word of command, move a little bit this way.
21:35Whatever it's called.
21:36I'm waiting, Richard.
21:41I'm waiting, Richard.
21:42Full steam ahead.
21:44Slice the main brace or whatever.
21:47Do something, Richard.
21:48Oh, I don't know what happened there.
21:58Perhaps it's sort of petrol.
22:01Pass it out.
22:04Pass it out.
22:05Pass it out.
22:05I hope that's you, Richard.
22:14I will not be handled by strange sailors.
22:17Oh!
22:21There you are.
22:22That's turned it round.
22:24Thanks.
22:25Now, don't jerk it this time.
22:28Whatever it was you did last time, don't do it again.
22:31I can't remember what I did.
22:33Well, that's good, dear, because we won't need that again.
22:37Now, Richard, concentrate.
22:40Bring her gently forward.
22:46Very gently.
22:48Very gently.
22:53You're going backwards, Richard.
22:56I can see that.
22:58I want you to come this way.
23:02She doesn't seem to want to come that way.
23:06Do stop playing around, Richard, and come back here.
23:16Richard, where are you going?
23:20Richard!
23:21I order you!
23:27Don't tell me!
23:29Tell the boat!
23:41Use the brake, Richard!
23:44There doesn't seem to be one.
23:47Of course there's a brake!
23:48Now, do you think they used to stop the Queen Mary?
23:54Now, switch the engine on!
24:04Oh, man.
24:06Now, bring her into the side and let me come on board!
24:10It's very tiring, boating on foot!
24:25Get closer, Richard!
24:28I'm trying!
24:29Hold the boat with your feet.
24:33Pull with both hands.
24:40That's better.
24:45Could you hurry up a bit?
24:46It's getting rather difficult.
24:49Do stop harassing me, Richard.
24:51Richard!
25:07That's better.
25:08Now then, Richard.
25:10Richard?
25:11Richard!
25:11Don't leave the boat, Richard!
25:18Don't forget to write!
25:22How dare you abandon ship, Richard!
25:31Richard!
25:32Help me!
25:35Throw me a rope!
25:42Well caught, dear!
25:49Keep up, Richard!
25:50Richard, whatever made you do that, dear?
26:05You are careless.
26:08Do something, Hyacinth!
26:11Richard, now, just mind your little jersey.
26:22Go and I'll take it off!
26:30Now, just look at your jersey.
26:38Now, stop messing about, will you, Richard, dear?
26:41Don't pull a ball.
26:43Richard, raise yourself!
26:46That's what I'm trying to do!
26:49Well, try a bit harder!
27:00There you!
27:01Come, come, help!
27:02Come, come, come!
27:05I said meet them at the marina office.
27:08Well, she's not here.
27:09They must have gone for sale.
27:11Listen.
27:14Listen.
27:16There's no noise.
27:27Emma, Sir Elizabeth, my nautical buffet has suffered a slight setback.
27:33I am going home.
27:35We're all going home, Richard.
27:37And we'll buy some fish and chips.
27:39And we'll buy some fish and chips.
27:40And we'll buy some fish and chips.
27:47I'll buy some fish and chips.