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RETRO TV
  • 7/20/2025

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00:00of course I ought to visit daddy really it's my duty to visit daddy I suppose it
00:13is and have you ever known me shirt my duty not a single shirt life is full of
00:23responsibilities it's not that I mind visiting daddy of course not it's just
00:34that he's surrounded by such impossible people well they're your family hi I said
00:42there are black sheep in the best regulated families
00:53inspection Richard hello Liz yes highest infances are running the country don't suppose you'd like to
01:22make up a threesome no thank you I'm going to be very busy very kind of you to ask
01:28good morning Elizabeth morning Hiacin how relaxed and casual you look to be gardening too but Richard
01:45insists on taking me on an outing somewhere in the country somewhere educational naturally soak up a
01:52little culture I feel I owe it to Sheridan well have a nice time there's plenty of room if you'd care to
01:58no thank you I think I better wait here in case my husband telephones it's nice when they telephone
02:04isn't it Richard always telephones me when he's away Sheridan rings me continually
02:10when was I was I away have I ever been away I don't remember the precise occasion dear but I do remember that you telephoned funny if you'd have asked me I'd have sworn I've never been away it feels like I've never been
02:25very nice Richard
02:34our regards to your husband when he rings from the far east tell him we often ask after him I will hire
02:49her husband to the other side for him thank you thank you things like why doesn't he come home more
02:54is their marriage happy do you think oh good lord yes he lives abroad most of the time
03:02Why doesn't he come home more often?
03:07I don't suppose it's formalising. It costs money.
03:11When he does come home, I do hope he won't be riddled with tropical ailments.
03:15For the first six months, we'll have to be very aware which glass he drinks from at my candlelight.
03:26Drive very slowly past number 23. I wanted to see my hand.
03:32Now, we can go the Langley way or through Ridley. Which way would you like to go?
03:45I wish you wouldn't leave everything to me, Richard.
03:50All right, I'll take the B road and we'll go the Langley way.
03:59I'd much rather we went the Ridley way.
04:02On second thoughts, I think we'll go the Ridley way. I'll turn round in the garage.
04:08You know, I really ought to visit Daddy first.
04:22Turn left for Daddy.
04:29On reflection, I think it'd be better to go and see Daddy on the way back.
04:33Going round.
04:34No, my conscience is tricking me. I must put Daddy first.
04:47Left again.
04:53On second thoughts, I think it'd be better to go to Carlton Hall first before it becomes too crowded.
04:59Second thoughts.
05:11Anyway, I need time to prepare for Onslow.
05:14I can't stand the sight of Onslow lounging about, drinking beer in his undershirt.
05:27Watch the cyclist.
05:28I'm watching the cyclist.
05:30My eyes are riveted to the cyclist.
05:34Aren't we going too fast? This is a built-up area.
05:36I'm under the limit.
05:40Well, you went past number 23 too fast.
05:44Far too fast.
05:45She had no opportunity to see my hat.
05:50And watch the lorry.
05:52Which lorry?
05:52There you are, you see.
05:55You can't even see the lorry.
05:56Where is it?
05:58Parked over there.
06:00Why should I watch a stationary lorry parked on the other side of a dual carriageway?
06:07I don't think I like your tone, Richard.
06:12Changing tone.
06:15Stop.
06:16Now, what's wrong?
06:19It's no good.
06:20I can't go blithely off into the country.
06:22I must visit Daddy.
06:39I'd better not park outside the house and block the street.
06:42How could my sister marry Onslow?
06:44Oh, presumably she loved him.
06:47Don't be ridiculous.
06:48How can you love an Onslow?
06:49He sings on coach trips.
06:55I just pray I'm never seen here by people of our own social standing.
06:58I hate keeping Daddy in this environment.
07:16Well, he was born.
07:17That's not the impression I care to cultivate.
07:20I expect people to assume that I was born into the candlelight supper class.
07:24Don't you scream at me.
07:27I never touched your husband.
07:29I wouldn't touch him with a six-foot pole.
07:32I wish I could find a six-foot pole.
07:35A sort of younger Lech Wilensker.
07:37I can't help it if your husband throws himself at me.
07:43He was not encouraged.
07:45If he can't keep his hands off me, well, that's his problem.
07:49Saw me with him doing what?
07:52Well, she's lying.
07:54I don't care what you found in his car.
07:56They're not mine.
07:56What's the matter?
08:02Are we on fire?
08:03I've just seen a car pull up.
08:05It's our Harrison.
08:06Oh, God.
08:07Well, near enough.
08:10I'll have to go.
08:11I'll fight with you later.
08:14I wonder where I'd lost that pair.
08:17Help me tidy up.
08:20What's our Harrison doing here?
08:22I expect she's come to visit father.
08:24I wish you'd give us some notice.
08:26Like about three months.
08:30Put the kettle on, Rose.
08:32Make a cup of tea.
08:33Is Onzo getting up?
08:35Oh, you know Onzo.
08:36Not unless it's World War III.
08:39Oh.
08:42Oh.
08:42Oh.
08:42Oh.
08:42Oh.
08:43Oh.
08:43Oh.
08:43Oh.
08:43Oh.
08:43Oh.
08:43Oh.
08:43Oh.
08:43Oh.
08:43Oh.
08:43Oh.
08:44Oh.
08:44Oh.
08:44Oh.
08:44Oh.
08:44Oh.
08:44Oh.
08:45Oh.
08:46Oh.
08:46Oh.
08:46Oh.
08:46Oh.
08:47Oh.
08:48Oh.
08:48Oh.
08:48Oh.
08:49Oh.
08:50Oh.
08:50Oh.
08:51Oh.
08:52Oh.
08:52Oh.
08:53Oh.
08:54Oh.
08:54Oh.
09:12You've woken the dog.
09:14Morning, Mamster.
09:16Don't say good morning to him.
09:17I've just been savaged by his dog.
09:20Less noise, you daft bitch.
09:22And that goes for you as well, dog.
09:24Oh, no.
09:54It helps keep your figure.
09:56It's amazing how many fellas she keeps it for.
09:59Shut your face, Onslow.
10:02Any more tea?
10:03Or more to the point, any more beakers?
10:06You can have the rest of this.
10:08Ta.
10:14Well, how is Daddy?
10:16Daft as a brush.
10:17Keep quiet, Onslow.
10:19Well, he gets barmier.
10:20Does the dog live in the car?
10:22She likes the car.
10:24Yeah, so have you...
10:25I'm talking about Daddy.
10:27Sorry.
10:28I wish he'd live in the car.
10:38Who's a lovely girl, then?
10:41She's more than can be said for your hire, since...
10:43Where did she get that at?
10:45The hat.
10:46Striking, isn't it?
10:47I don't know how you cope, day in and day out.
10:52Oh, get used to it.
10:55That's terrifying.
10:56That's the most frightening thing I've ever heard.
10:59How long have you had the dog?
11:01Oh, she adopted us last week.
11:03I thought she'd sleep with us on the bed, but she prefers the car.
11:08I've never had a dog, Dickie.
11:09No, Hyacinth can't do with the mess.
11:13You know, we ought to go out and have a drink sometime, you and me.
11:17What are you heading for today?
11:19The Hyacinth likes to visit these stately homes.
11:22We'll probably end up in Carden Hall.
11:25Carden Hall?
11:26That sounds really boring.
11:30Probably will be.
11:31It usually is.
11:34Right, where is the bitch?
11:46She's inside, love, upstairs.
11:48I'll kill her.
11:49I'll pluck her eyes out.
11:51Who is she?
11:54It's usually the wife of one of Rose's boyfriends.
11:57Never mind who you are.
12:08You come first.
12:09I'll pluck her eyes out.
12:11A drop more tea, Hyacinth.
12:14Tea?
12:15Haven't we better do something?
12:16There's a madwoman attacking Rose upstairs.
12:19Oh, no, Rose will be fine.
12:23She's very experienced.
12:25That seems to be the trouble.
12:28Poor Daddy lying sick in the next room, learning the sins of his youngest daughter at full volume.
12:34What does Daddy make of all these scenes?
12:37Oh, he never bothers, you know, Father.
12:39He's in a world of his own.
12:47Oh!
12:48By the way, before you go, do you mind if I try your hat?
12:59Oh, no.
13:02Onslow hates me in a hat.
13:05No.
13:07No, I tell a lie.
13:08Onslow would never notice me in a hat.
13:11He can hardly raise a grunt these days for your best efforts in bra and black stockings.
13:15Will Rose be all right?
13:21Rose will be fine.
13:23Rose can handle wives.
13:25There's only one thing she handles more often, and that's husbands.
13:28Onslow, somebody climbing down your drainpipe, dressed in a balaclava and a fancy cape.
13:40Are you being burgled?
13:42No, that's not a burglar.
13:44That's your father-in-law.
13:48Hyacinth's Daddy.
13:49What's he doing?
13:51This week he's being Captain Midnight, Sword of Justice.
13:55Spiking terror into the hearts of all evildoers.
13:58But is he any good at drainpipes?
14:03Not a lot.
14:06He's gone down the street.
14:08Hadn't we better get after him?
14:09Personally, I'm inclined not to bother.
14:11Really?
14:12He's only going to rescue her at the post office.
14:15What from?
14:16A fate worse than death, I think he said.
14:19At the hands of some totally hairless green people, fresh from outer space, and desperate for a white woman.
14:24I don't think we should tell Hyacinth.
14:29I'll go along with that.
14:32But how will we get him back?
14:34We'll get a couple of customers to bring him back.
14:37Really?
14:38It's the post office.
14:40They deliver.
14:44You're quite right.
14:46It could do with a coat of paint.
14:51I'm going to have to get the decorators in.
14:54Can't Anslow decorate.
15:00My Anslow?
15:02Oh, no.
15:04He's more your big idle slob.
15:09Well, we warned you, Daisy, when you married him.
15:12I know.
15:13You have to give him marks for consistency.
15:16Listen.
15:17I can't hear anything.
15:18That's just it.
15:19I can't hear them arguing anymore.
15:21It's gone quiet.
15:23Deathly quiet.
15:25I don't like it.
15:27I warned Rose that her way of life would one day lead to tragedy.
15:31Nobody can show that amount of leg and expect to be guided supernaturally.
15:35I can't even hear our Rose smoking.
15:44Oh, my goodness.
15:45You don't think...
15:46Oh!
15:48Rose isn't usually violent!
15:50But what about that other woman?
15:52Men?
16:04They're all swines.
16:06It's us women that suffer.
16:09Shouldn't it be it's we women who suffer?
16:12We'll make him pay.
16:13Oh, I'd like that.
16:15It'll be a pleasure.
16:16I'll have to go get his dinner on.
16:21Take care.
16:22And you, love.
16:25That Rose, she knows what suffering is.
16:29You're a swine to your wife, you miserable, no-good...
16:38How do I know you're a swine to your wife?
16:40I'll tell you how I know you're a swine to your wife, because she's just left here.
16:44Oh, I bet that's just made his day.
16:46Daisy!
16:48Daddy's not in his room.
16:49Has he gone?
16:50He shouldn't be out on his own.
16:52He won't be on his own.
16:53He'll be in the grip of a couple of customers.
16:55Hmm?
16:55Probably women.
16:58Considerate.
16:59I expect he's helping them both safely across a busy road.
17:03And you can take your illustrated erotic books back.
17:07How you can spend money on them when your wife looks like she has?
17:11I don't think not, no, thank you, Daisy.
17:13And I don't mean the black rubber clothing section.
17:16This is not the kind of telephone conversation you should be overhearing.
17:21You weren't all that terrific anyway.
17:24Books are no books.
17:25With your build, you'd no chance of getting past page 22.
17:32Just let's go.
17:33I've had enough for one day.
17:35I've had enough Daisy married to Onslow, but to let him drink out of her beaker.
17:39And as for Rose, I suppose one ought to be grateful that at least she's misbehaving with someone literate.
17:52Well, you've done your duty.
17:54Visited your father.
17:55I can't believe he tries to force himself on the post, mistress.
18:02At least you know he's fit.
18:04Hmm?
18:07No, I expected something quite simple.
18:09Probably the effort of licking his stamps sent the blood rushing to his tongue and he stumbled towards her.
18:18Poor Daddy.
18:26It's Dickie I feel sorry for.
18:28She's got eyes everywhere.
18:31I really believe our hyacinth can see through laminated surfaces to the grime underneath.
18:36I'm going to have to clean that kitchen.
18:39If we all get stuck in, we could soon clean that kitchen.
18:48Talk to yourself, Daisy.
18:49There's your father, being taken home now.
18:53Do you want to stop?
18:56No, it's too embarrassing.
19:03Happy?
19:09That's not the kind of behavior one expects from Captain Midnight.
19:19Good afternoon.
19:3150p for the car park, please.
19:34Oh, can't be parking that little space nearer the house.
19:36Oh, that's reserved for the family, madam.
19:39I'm not saying I am family.
19:41But I have written to her ladyship from time to time for charitable purposes.
19:45I'm sure she'd remember my personal embossed writing paper,
19:50saffron with matching envelopes.
19:52You'll have to park in the public area, madam.
19:55It isn't as if we belong with the masses.
19:57I have a son at university.
20:00What's that?
20:01My husband is an officer of a large local authority.
20:04I wish you wouldn't involve me, Hyacinth.
20:07Enormous sums of money pass through his hands.
20:10I'd really rather just sit here in neutral.
20:12You'll have to park in the public area, madam.
20:14Well, I don't really...
20:15Hyacinth, it's not worth upsetting his lordship.
20:19Very well, dear.
20:24Drive on, Richard.
20:26Why do we always come to this room?
20:45Because it's near the family quarters, dear.
20:49One of these days, I shall catch his lordship's eye, or better yet, her ladyship's, and I shall strike up an acquaintance.
20:59And then we'll see who can park in the little private area.
21:04I've never seen anyone through there yet.
21:11Do be patient, Richard, dear.
21:14The important thing to remember about the aristocracy is their impeccable manners.
21:19Once we've established eye contact, we're almost honour-bound to be invited to tea.
21:25It's not very likely, Hyacinth.
21:29Another thing is that the aristocracy always recognise quality.
21:35Why am I wearing this hat?
21:38Let these people pass, Richard.
21:40No, no, after you.
21:41No, it's all right.
21:43We're waiting for his lordship.
21:45Oh, I am sorry.
21:48I thought you were just visitors.
21:50I know.
21:51People keep making that mistake.
22:13I'm never going to believe this.
22:15How much you got, Rose?
22:17Twenty.
22:19Fiftyp, please, sir.
22:21See if you can find us a bit of a slope to park on.
22:23Only this old bitch isn't too clever at starting again.
22:26I can believe that.
22:28Have you had a well-polished car through here?
22:31Driver looking shell-shocked.
22:33Woman with a big hat.
22:35She was murder.
22:38That's the one.
22:45We ought to move on a bit, Hyacinth.
22:49Do be patient, Richard.
22:51Absorb the picture.
22:53I've been absorbing it for ten minutes.
22:55Ten minutes?
22:57These works of art are painted to be enjoyed forever.
23:00It's beginning to feel like forever.
23:02We'll leave when I've had a glimpse of the family.
23:06What's the point?
23:08The point is to begin building up a relationship.
23:11That's the point.
23:13They don't know you from Adam.
23:16Like attracts like.
23:18They'll recognize breeding when they see it.
23:24Isn't that a lovely picture?
23:26I'm trying to remember the last time I met her ladyship.
23:32When?
23:33When did you meet her?
23:35We met, of course, the first time when she opened the garden party.
23:39You were in the crowd, that's all.
23:42She kept looking in my direction.
23:44I believe my deportment impressed her.
23:46I suppose the last time we were together
23:50must have been at that dinner
23:52after the gala performance of Swan Lake.
23:56She knows the family.
23:58They're friends of the family.
24:01Of course, her ladyship and I have worked together for charity.
24:06When was that?
24:07The garden party.
24:09And our families, her ladyship's and mine,
24:13are not without their links.
24:14My father, too, is no novice
24:17when it comes to carrying a sword.
24:21Are you a bad, Vicky?
24:21Are you a bad, Vicky?
24:24I'm a bad, Vicky.
24:25I'm a bad, Vicky.
24:25I'm a bad, Vicky.
24:26You're a bad, Vicky.
24:28Arms, however.
24:29Did you tell him?
24:41Tell him what?
24:42You must have told him.
24:43Told him what?
24:44Where we were going.
24:45And they had mentioned something.
24:46Oh, you fancy doing that. You practically invited him.
24:51Hyacinth, he's here now. We just can't keep running.
24:56I will not be found on stately premises in the company of someone who drinks beer in his undershirt.
25:02Only when he can afford it.
25:05I don't think Hyacinth will welcome it when we do find her.
25:10What about that car park attendant? I rather like that car park attendant.
25:14Oh, I don't know why you want to spend the afternoon with Hyacinth.
25:20I don't want to spend the afternoon with your Hyacinth.
25:23It's your father who's senile, not me.
25:26We're here to rescue poor old Dickie.
25:28He's the one I feel sorry for.
25:30I just thought someone should rescue him and get some berries down him.
25:42The elves you call that?
25:45It's art.
25:47Art?
25:49I wouldn't wrap me chips up in it.
25:52Here, Rose, what do you reckon to this?
26:02Oh!
26:03They're coming this way.
26:16Come on.
26:17Richard!
26:33Can I help you?
27:01Well, this is not a public area, you know.
27:06It's all right.
27:08I'm a friend of the family's.
27:11Her ladyship and I are old acquaintances.
27:13So it would be very unwise of you to start getting officious.
27:17Oh, yes, but...
27:18We're merely hiding from some unacceptable person who's trying to pursue us.
27:23There are such odd people about, I'm sure you understand.
27:26How was I to know that that was his lordship?
27:33He looked like the gardener.
27:36He must be very low down on the aristocratic scale if he looks like a gardener.
27:40I think it's irresponsible.
27:44It's no right to look like a gardener.
27:47I think it's irresponsible.
27:49It's no right to look like a gardener.