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RETRO TV
  • 7/20/2025

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00:00Hello? Is that the wholesome bakery? Now, tell me, and I shall know if you're lying, are your fresh cream cakes really fresh? There's no need to take that attitude. This is a serious customer inquiry. My name is Bouquet. B-U-C-K-E-T.
00:23No, it's not Bucket, it's Bouquet. I wish to place a large order, a very important order. I have the new vicar calling this afternoon for tea and light refreshments, so how soon can you deliver?
00:38Yes, I know it's Saturday, and I'm very happy that you're busy. I can understand that you don't deliver just anywhere, but as I say, I do have the new vicar coming for tea and light refreshments, and I want six fresh cream cakes.
00:55That is a large order. Hello? Hello?
01:07Hoi-poi-loi.
01:07I wish you wouldn't raise your arms like that, Richard. Not when you're overheated. It's very common out of doors.
01:27It's warm work, hasn't it?
01:29If you have to perspire, we should go into the back garden, so you don't have to disturb people who respect us socially.
01:37I didn't invent the human cooling system.
01:40We mustn't abuse it, must we, dear?
01:47Why are my roses not as big as those next door?
01:51Maybe they're a different variety.
01:53I don't like our roses not being as big as those next door. Are you neglecting them, Richard?
02:01I wanted the vicar to be greeted by a blaze of petal glory.
02:06This type only grows to this size, highest.
02:09I'm sure if you tried harder.
02:11I keep thinking you're out here growing these huge roses, and all the time I suppose you're gossiping with passers-by.
02:19It's funny you should say that. Do you know who passed by earlier this morning?
02:22My goodness, is that a dead leaf?
02:26Why are you collecting old dead leaves, Richard?
02:29I'm going to corner the market.
02:31The entire world market.
02:34They're going to be begging me for old dead leaves.
02:37Hmm?
02:45Good morning, Elizabeth.
02:48Morning, Hyacinth.
02:49Do come in, and we'll have a little rehearsal for this afternoon.
02:53Rehearsal?
02:55Surely you haven't forgotten you're having tea with the new vicar.
02:58And light refreshments?
03:00Oh, yes, the light refreshments.
03:03I've had them before.
03:05Do we need a rehearsal?
03:06I never like leaving things to chance.
03:10It's the mark of the thoughtful hostess.
03:12Do sit down, Elizabeth.
03:29No, not there, dear. I like to face the window.
03:34Oh, dear.
03:35I'm really rather busy, Hyacinth.
03:39Oh, that's nice, dear.
03:42Now, with regard to what to wear,
03:45I think one of us should look attractive in something tasteful and summery floral.
03:51What will you wear?
03:54I'm rather expecting you to tell me.
03:56Oh, I wouldn't dream of interfering.
03:58But just remember, the important thing is not to clash with my summer floral.
04:05Since we live next door to each other, the least we can do is coordinate.
04:10Well, I'll probably wear my tan two-piece.
04:14Oh, I see.
04:16My tan two-piece.
04:17I think something a little more chic, dear, don't you?
04:21Well, all right, then.
04:22My green print dress.
04:24Isn't that a little revealing?
04:26Revealing?
04:28Elbows, possibly, but that's about all.
04:30Yes, I know, dear,
04:32but are we quite sure where the new vicar stands with regard to naked elbows?
04:37I don't think mine will drive him wild.
04:40Oh, excuse me.
04:41That's probably the wholesome bakery ringing to apologise.
04:47What's wrong with my tan two-piece?
04:49The bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking.
04:54Oh, it's you, Rose.
04:56It's my sister, Rose, Elizabeth.
04:59She's inclined to be talkative and excitable,
05:01so do help yourself to a biscuit, dear.
05:03And mind the crumbs.
05:07What is it now, Rose?
05:10Rose, you will not commit suicide.
05:12I forbid it.
05:15No one in this family has ever committed suicide,
05:18and I'm sure we're not going to start
05:19on the day I'm having the new vicar for tea and light refreshments.
05:24I don't care what your romantic entanglements are.
05:27You cannot have dear dead mummy's wedding dress.
05:31Especially to be buried in.
05:32I can't live without Mr. Hepplewhite.
05:36Will you keep it down, Rose?
05:39I can't live without Mr. Hepplewhite.
05:42Not since the tragedy.
05:44Well, it's what happens to all men in the end.
05:47He's gone back to his wife.
05:50I have to die.
05:52I threatened him, I would.
05:54What do you fancy in the three o'clock?
05:56Rainbow lady.
05:57I want to be buried in mummy's wedding dress.
06:04You've got a bloody cheek being buried in white.
06:09I don't see why you should have the dress anyway.
06:12She was my mother too.
06:14The least you can do is have a little sympathy for your sister
06:17when she's determined to die.
06:19Have you seen my library book?
06:21Do you look where it usually is?
06:24Under the settee.
06:27No, Hyacinth.
06:30Not the wedding dress.
06:32Our Daisy's library book.
06:34Who's Mr. Hepplewhite?
06:36She met him last week.
06:38Oh, he's lasted nearly a week then.
06:41Thought it was the real thing this time.
06:44And what does Boris think?
06:46Oh, she doesn't tell Boris.
06:48What's the point in hurting Boris?
06:54She's very thoughtful, your Rose.
06:57She's got a good heart.
06:59Pity she hasn't got a head to match.
07:07Psst.
07:11Psst.
07:15Psst.
07:18Oh, good morning.
07:22It's a lovely day, isn't it?
07:24Mind you, I shan't see much of it.
07:26Did I tell you I was having the new vicar today
07:29for tea and light refreshments?
07:31Several times.
07:34She's plainly seething with envy.
07:36Morning.
07:38Richard.
07:38I will not have you waving in dirty gardening gloves.
07:43They get dirty when you're gardening, Harrison.
07:46Can't you keep one pair for gardening
07:48and one pair for waving?
07:52I've been standing in that doorway
07:53for two minutes trying to attract your attention.
07:56I was working.
07:57Well, you've no right to be working
07:59when I'm hissing at you.
08:00I've got Rose on the telephone.
08:02She's going to...
08:03Who is it this time?
08:09I think she said a Mr. Hepplewhite.
08:12Oh, well, that's all right then.
08:13Nobody ever committed suicide
08:14for somebody called Hepplewhite.
08:16Will you keep your voice down, Richard?
08:19I've got Elizabeth in the kitchen.
08:21I don't want her overhearing family scandal.
08:23I want you to go inside, Richard,
08:25and engage Elizabeth in conversation.
08:27I don't want her listening
08:29while I'm trying to calm Rose down.
08:35I'm not into gardening shoes, Richard.
08:38Go round the back.
08:49Yes, of course I'm here, Rose.
08:51I've been here all the time, dear.
08:53Now, pull yourself together, Rose.
08:55What can possibly happen once a week on Wednesdays
08:59to make Mr. Hepplewhite so necessary to you?
09:06Richard!
09:08Are you talking to Elizabeth?
09:10Yeah, I'm talking, I'm talking.
09:14Rose, I know I asked the question,
09:16but I'm not standing here
09:18surrounded by expensive wallpaper
09:19to be given details like that.
09:21It's not an excessive year for Greenfly.
09:31Like something anyway.
09:33They are there, but not in excess.
09:36Oh, that was Rose.
09:40She turns to me for advice, all the family do.
09:43Ring high as they say she'll know.
09:45It gets very wearing.
09:47Thank you, dear.
09:47Anything wrong?
09:51Wrong?
09:51No, no.
09:53Why should there be anything wrong?
09:54No, it's just sister talk.
09:56I like weekly reports on Daddy's condition.
09:59How is your father?
10:00Oh, tragic.
10:02A brilliant IQ struggling with senility.
10:05Because I'd love to have him here,
10:07but he drops food everywhere.
10:11Now, Richard, don't just sit there, dear.
10:13Wash your hands, change your shoes,
10:15and then I want you to go to the wholesome bakery
10:18where you will speak to the manager
10:19about their delivery policy.
10:27And then you will return here
10:29with six superior fresh cream cakes.
10:35What about their delivery policy?
10:38Inept.
10:39Point to the folly of their not understanding
10:41customers of our social status.
10:44Biscathing Richard.
10:45Crush them.
10:57I should have worn a suit or something casual.
11:00Casual might give the wrong impression, dear.
11:03Oh, it is Saturday.
11:05Exactly.
11:06Nearly Sunday.
11:07The new vicar probably has half his mind already
11:10on tomorrow's religious duties.
11:13In which case, Richard,
11:14it seems hardly fitting
11:15for you to come slinking in
11:17dressed for frivolity.
11:19Frivolity?
11:21Thirty years married,
11:22I can't remember a single frivol.
11:27Wear a suit, dear.
11:30And answer that, will you?
11:31It's for you, it's Elizabeth.
11:41From next door?
11:45Get something on.
11:47You shouldn't be answering the phone
11:48to ladies in that condition.
11:51Elizabeth!
11:54Yes, certainly I'll give you the benefit of my opinion.
11:56Oh, yes, I like that.
12:09I've always liked that.
12:11I haven't got it all that long.
12:13It's very suitable, dear.
12:16You'll blend beautifully into the background.
12:18Er, this suit?
12:23Good grief, Richard.
12:25Why do you always ask me?
12:26I don't determine what people wear.
12:31Do I take it?
12:32That's a yes.
12:33Can't you find a more religious tie?
12:35You look very nice, Elizabeth.
12:44Thank you, Richard.
12:45You too.
12:47Very smart.
12:48Casual would have been nice.
12:51Richard?
12:52Duty calls?
12:55Frequently.
12:56Frequently.
13:05Yeah?
13:17Buy something, sir, from a gypsy woman
13:19and be lucky.
13:20You be lucky.
13:21How about buying from me?
13:23I bet your old man's got a lot more
13:25in his back pocket than I have.
13:27I could let him have that tall wreck in the garden.
13:33Not there, I mean the car.
13:36Buy something from the gypsy, missus,
13:37and be lucky.
13:39I don't know whether I've got any change.
13:40She hasn't.
13:41I'm able to tell you that
13:43because A, I'm psychic
13:44and B, I'm the one that goes through her pockets.
13:48It's bad luck not to buy something.
13:52What are you selling, anyway?
13:53Ribbons and lucky charms.
13:56Just what I've always wanted.
13:59Have you got any love potions or open razors?
14:03Tell your fortune, lady.
14:04She knows her fortune.
14:06She's been moaning about it all day.
14:08Oh, will you get out of the doorway on, Sloan?
14:10Let the gypsy in.
14:12Where's she going?
14:13I'm not standing out here having my fortune told.
14:17You're very fussy for someone who's about to commit suicide.
14:20I can see you're troubled in love.
14:25Right.
14:26Makes you wonder how they do it.
14:29It's bad luck not to buy something from a gypsy.
14:33Bad luck?
14:35When we live like this,
14:36how can you be scared of bad luck?
14:39Now, I think when they come,
14:43I'll sit you there, Elizabeth.
14:47I'll have the vicar here next to me, of course.
14:51And we'll leave that one for the vicar's wife.
14:54And Richard will sit next to her.
14:58Right?
14:58Oh, sorry, vicar.
15:03Now, topics of conversation.
15:06Must keep everything wholesome.
15:08Nothing controversial.
15:10Richard, I think I'd have our holiday snaps at the ready.
15:13And when they begin to pall,
15:15I shall regale the vicar with tales of Sheridan's academic prowess.
15:18I hope that's not a cancellation.
15:22He may have been called away for a funeral.
15:26How inconsiderate of people to die at the weekend.
15:30The Bucay residence, the lady of the house, speak.
15:34No, you cannot have three of 22 and a portion of 19 chips.
15:38This is not the Chinese takeaway.
15:41This is a private, slimline, pearl-white telephone
15:44with no oriental associations whatsoever.
15:48I was at Middleton.
15:49Ah, wrong number.
15:52The Chinese takeaway again.
15:54We ought to change our number.
15:56I will not change our number.
15:59I've written to British Telecom
16:00insisting that they change the Chinese number.
16:04I've told them I won't stand here
16:07listening to people breathing soya sauce down the telephone.
16:11I think I heard a car.
16:13Hmm?
16:15Oh, no.
16:18You tell her.
16:24Me?
16:25Tell I, Synth?
16:26There's only two things wrong with that.
16:28One, she never listens to anybody.
16:30And two, she certainly never listens to me.
16:34That means I'll have to tell her.
16:36She's your sister.
16:38She'll go mad.
16:39That could be an improvement.
16:45They're coming in.
16:46Of course they're coming in.
16:48Now, I want you to get that car away from this property.
16:51I want them and it out of the avenue.
16:54I just can't send them away.
16:56I want them out of the way before the vicar comes.
17:00Hyacinth?
17:01Isn't that your doorbell?
17:02Oh, but...
17:03It does that sometimes.
17:05It's part of a very expensive test system.
17:10You'll have to see them, Hyacinth.
17:13They can have two minutes on the doorstep.
17:18Daisy!
17:18Oh, what a surprise.
17:20How nice of you to call on the way to town.
17:22Let me walk you to the car.
17:23Well, I've gone to town.
17:25I've gone to town on such a pleasant Saturday.
17:27Of course, I'd love you to stay, but I'm expecting the new vicar for tea and night refreshments.
17:32You should have telephoned.
17:34We tried to telephone, but you were engaged.
17:36I was dealing with a wrong number.
17:38Some damn fool thinks I'm a Chinese restaurant.
17:41Tell her.
17:43Tell me what?
17:45It's Dad.
17:47Daddy.
17:48What's wrong with Daddy?
17:49Not a lot, apparently.
17:52Be quiet, Onslow.
17:54Tell me what's wrong with Daddy.
17:56He's missing.
17:58Missing?
17:58Of course, he's not missing.
18:00I expect he's just mislaid.
18:02He's run off with a gypsy.
18:05Keep your voice down.
18:07How could he have run off with a gypsy?
18:10Well, on his bike, for starters.
18:12We had a gypsy at the house.
18:14She was telling Rose her fortune.
18:17When she left, Dad must have followed her.
18:20Daddy with a golden earring.
18:23It's unthinkable.
18:25Should we call the police?
18:27No.
18:28No police.
18:29We don't need any scandal.
18:31You must go and find him.
18:32What's going on, Hyacinth?
18:34Richard will go with you.
18:37It's Daddy.
18:38He's been kidnapped by gypsies.
18:42Now, rush to Daddy's assistance.
18:43I thought, traditionally, they only kidnapped children.
18:50Bring Daddy back to me, Richard.
18:54As far as daisies, anyway.
18:56What is it, Hyacinth?
19:18It's Daddy.
19:19He's been kidnapped by gypsies.
19:21Oh, my God.
19:22We must ring the police.
19:25No.
19:25No police.
19:27We can't.
19:29Daisy's wearing slippers, so Onslow's got bare arms.
19:35Why would the gypsies kidnap your father?
19:38Hmm?
19:39I expect for ransom.
19:41They'll be after my very expensive Royal Doolton china with the hand-painted periwinkles.
19:53Why would he run away with a gypsy?
19:57Let's put it this way.
19:58Just hope you're catching before he gets married.
20:00I thought he was in bed.
20:03I could hear his telly.
20:05I mean, how are you supposed to anticipate your own father sneaking out under the cover of television in pursuit of a gypsy?
20:12Has he always fancied the Romany life?
20:16He never said.
20:19We're running dry.
20:20Don't need petrol money.
20:22I didn't bring a purse.
20:25Down to you, Dickie.
20:27I've changed my clothes.
20:28I've left all my money at home.
20:31Now, I want you to sit here, Vicar.
20:35I've had many a religious inspiration on that sofa.
20:41Oh!
20:43And if your charming wife would like to sit here, where she'll be within easy reach of my tasty homemade canopies.
20:50It's very kind of you to invite us, Mrs. Bucket.
20:53It's bouquet, Vicar.
20:55Oh, I'm sorry.
20:56It's of French origin.
21:00I believe my husband's family in the distant past were Huguenics or something.
21:07Not that there's any French blood in him now, of course.
21:10No, you may rest assured, Vicar, you're quite safe.
21:13There are no French habits here.
21:14Elizabeth, if you could pass round my royal doolton with the hand-painted periwinkles.
21:25Must I, Hyacinth?
21:26I'm terrified of dropping one.
21:28It is lovely china, Mrs. Bucket.
21:31Bouquet.
21:31It is something of a family heirloom.
21:37Look, I think it really would be better, Hyacinth, if we all helped ourselves.
21:42Yes, we can do that.
21:43Yes, jolly good idea.
21:45Well, I did have in mind something rather more orderly.
21:48If the assembled company would please excuse me, something's just come up.
21:59What are you doing back here?
22:14Why did you bring them back here?
22:16I want some petrol money.
22:17It's in my other suit.
22:18Get them out of sight.
22:20As soon as I get the money.
22:21Why don't you get in the car, Anselo?
22:33I'm sure it's going to rain.
22:34Yes, there it is.
22:36I can feel it now.
22:37Rain.
22:38I can feel a thing.
22:40Any minute now.
22:41There it is.
22:42Rain.
22:45If we can't find Dad, we'll have to ring the police.
22:49I will not have this family involved with the police.
22:52Hey, they're all right.
22:53We can get to know them.
22:55I don't want to get to know them.
23:02Isn't that our Rose?
23:06Oh, my God.
23:11What are you doing in black?
23:13I'm in mourning.
23:14Who for?
23:16For me.
23:17Nobody else will.
23:20Mr. Heberwhite doesn't care.
23:22Rose, what are you doing here?
23:24I've come for Mummy's wedding dress.
23:26I've told you, you can't have...
23:28It won't fit you, anyway.
23:29It'll do to be buried in.
23:33You can't put them there.
23:34The vicar's in there.
23:35Oh, great.
23:36He can read me the burial service.
23:38Oh, no.
23:43Who's feeling a little bit?
23:45Somebody she's very close to.
23:46You can't just burst in.
23:51They're having tea and light refreshments.
23:53You can't begrudge a person a vicar when they're on the brink of the grave.
23:57You're not on the brink, Rose.
23:58You've hardly set foot in the cemetery.
24:00Have you any idea of the love I bear for Mr. Heberwhite?
24:05You're dropping petals on my lacquered woodblock.
24:09This is the last time I shall inconvenience you.
24:13Don't try and stop me.
24:14It's cruel to ask me to live with a broken heart.
24:17Rose!
24:20He's very young.
24:22You never said he was young.
24:25What's very wicked of you, Hyacinth?
24:27Keeping him all to yourself.
24:29Rose!
24:35The McKay residence, the lady of the house speak.
24:37Oh, Sheridan, how wonderful to hear your voice, dear.
24:42What a close psychic bond between you and I.
24:46Fifty pounds?
24:47Why do you need fifty pounds, dear?
24:51Why do you want curtain material?
24:54A flat?
24:54Whose flat?
24:56Sheridan, you're not moving in with some designing female.
24:59Oh, it's not a girl's flat, it's a boy's flat.
25:05And you're making your own curtains, how inventive do you?
25:09Your friend always makes his own curtains, how inventive do you?
25:16Sorry, Dickie.
25:17Don't worry.
25:21You shouldn't be muttering things like that, Onslow.
25:24Not with a vicar in the vicinity.
25:25Well, by all means, send me a sample of his embroidery.
25:31It's a lifeline, finding someone you can confide in.
25:35Rose, what a pity you don't do confession.
25:37Rose!
25:37You could have a ball with that.
25:39Rose!
25:40Rose, where are you going with the vicar?
25:42Sheridan, dear, will you hold just a moment?
25:44I'm sure she's not going to you.
25:46She only needs a shoulder to cry on.
25:48She didn't look as though she was about to cry to me.
25:50She was doing everything but bite his neck.
25:53She's very emotional, dear.
25:55Think of it as a hormone imbalance.
25:58We do.
26:00We always think of it as a hormone imbalance.
26:03Not by the kind of the vicar.
26:05He may have saved my sister from a desperate act.
26:08Where's my husband?
26:09Which way did he go?
26:10Where's my husband?
26:12Really, I must stay.
26:18Oh, by the way, Dad's come back with a stack of ribbons and lucky charms.
26:22Come on.
26:23Where is he going?
26:24Where is she taking him?
26:25Where is he going?
26:26He's probably better off down there than listening to what Onslow's saying.
26:30Of all the ble...
26:31Do feel free to pop in at any time, dear.
26:41There will always be a welcome for you at the bouquets.
26:44What a disaster to my tea and light refreshments.
26:51I could murder some light refreshments.
26:54If it wasn't for Sheridan's good news, I don't know what this day would have been.
26:58Good news from Sheridan?
27:00He's moved in with a very suitable friend.
27:03They're making their own curtains.
27:06Apparently his friend's very good with a needle.
27:10He has prizes for embroidery.
27:13Oh, you'd better come in and have some tea and light refreshments.
27:19Onslow, before you come in, just shift this wreck next door, will you?
27:27Prizes for embroidery?
27:28Let's move the car, shall we ask?
27:32No.