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00:00Thank you very much. I look a little annoyed tonight, please forgive me. I just had a thing
00:22happen, it always happens, it always upsets me and it's silly. People are always asking me if
00:28Gracie has ever said or done one sensible thing in her whole lifetime. Of course
00:34she has. Just the other day she was reading in the paper that Stokowski and
00:39Heifetz were gonna be on television and she said, this is a bad example, she said
00:51she was sure the winner would meet gorgeous George. Wait a minute, Gracie
01:00loves nice things and we have some lovely antiques in our home and this this very
01:06famous interior decorator came to dinner and he saw this cabinet and at dinner he
01:11said, Gracie where did you get that priceless old relic with the curved legs
01:16in the hand-decorated drawers and Gracie. I met him in vaudeville.
01:29Oh yeah, yesterday, yesterday she she drove her car into a filling station she
01:36wanted to get it washed. No, the man told her that she needed a new muffler for the
01:45car and she said, it's getting colder, make it wool. This is crazy, I've been
01:53married to Gracie for 20 years, she must have said something that made sense. Oh yeah,
02:01she in this department store the sales girl said Mrs. Burns if you're looking for
02:06Mr. Brown you'll find him a lady's lingerie. In a butcher shop the butcher said
02:17Mrs. Burns I have pig's feet today. In a restaurant the waiter says Mrs. Burns walk
02:29walk this way. I'm sure I'll think of something. Oh no, let's go back to Gracie's childhood. When
02:44Gracie was five years old she said to her mother, I didn't go back far enough. Well you can't be right all the time.
02:55Oh, that's Gracie laughing. Excuse me, I'll be right back.
03:13Uh Gracie, what's uh, come here a minute. What? What's so funny? Well I just had a letter from my sister Bessie. She's got the greatest sense of humor of anybody in the whole world.
03:24Well, what does she say? Well, uh, she said, oh, here it is. She said that I heard the funniest story today I ever heard in my whole life and I will tell it to you when I see you. Love Bessie.
03:42Well, if she didn't tell it to you, why are you laughing? If Bessie says it's funny, it's funny.
03:47She's got a great sense of humor. Yes, I'm going over to Blanche Morton's, dear. Bye. Goodbye, dear.
04:00Oh, this is so funny.
04:03Hello, Gracie. Oh, hello, Harry. Is Blanche home?
04:06No, no, she's... Well, I'll come in and wait.
04:11Yes.
04:11Well, maybe it'd be more comfortable in the living room, Gracie. See, I'm working here.
04:16No, this is all right. I'll just sit here and watch you.
04:19Well, there's nothing to watch. I'm just going to sign some letters.
04:21Oh, go right ahead. I'd like to see how you do it.
04:27Oh, my God.
04:32Oh, my God.
04:33Oh, my God.
04:35Oh, my God.
04:36Oh, my God.
04:37Oh, my God.
04:38Oh, my God.
04:39Oh, my God.
04:40Oh, my God.
04:41Oh, my God.
04:42Oh, my God.
04:43Oh, my God.
04:44Oh, my God.
04:45Oh, my God.
04:46Oh, my God.
04:47Oh, my God.
04:48Oh, my God.
04:49Oh, my God.
04:50Oh, my God.
04:51Oh, my God.
04:52Oh, my God.
04:53Oh, my God.
04:54Oh, my God.
04:55Oh, my God.
04:56Oh, my God.
04:57Oh, my God.
04:58Oh, my God.
04:59Oh, my God.
05:00Oh, my God.
05:01Oh, my God.
05:02Oh, my God.
05:03Oh, my God.
05:04Oh, my God.
05:05Oh, my God.
05:06Oh, my God.
05:07Oh, my God.
05:08Oh, my God.
05:09Oh, my God.
05:10Oh, I just love to see a man work.
05:37No, no, no, Tracy, please.
05:39Those are my real estate listings.
05:41If anything happens to these, I might as well go out of business.
05:43Oh, say, Harry, maybe you could find a house for my Aunt Clara.
05:48I could sure try.
05:49Any particular type of construction?
05:52Yes, she's a woman.
05:56No, no, I mean the house, Gracie.
05:58Brick, frame, stucco, stone, colonial.
06:03That sounds good.
06:04Maybe I'd better show you some pictures.
06:09All right.
06:10Nothing risque, though.
06:15I'll tell you what I'll do, Gracie.
06:16I'll keep on the lookout for something, and if I find anything, I'll let you know.
06:20All right.
06:20Why don't you just leave these presents for Blanche, and when she comes in, I'll give them to her.
06:23Oh, no, those are not for Blanche.
06:25Those are presents for George.
06:27I'm taking them to the store.
06:29The store?
06:30Well, yes.
06:31Well, you see, every year after Christmas, George always exchanges my presents.
06:34So I thought this time I would save him the trouble and exchange them before he gets them.
06:44Gracie, that's an idea that only you could think of.
06:46Oh, thank you.
06:47Well, here it is.
06:52How do you like it?
06:54Very nice.
06:56Mm-hmm.
06:56I bet you haven't seen one of those in years.
06:58No.
07:00Now, press that button down.
07:03This one?
07:03Uh-huh.
07:04Now, press that one down.
07:15Clever, isn't it?
07:16Yes!
07:17What is it?
07:21I don't know.
07:26Then why did you buy it?
07:27Well, it was the last one they had in the store, and the man said they couldn't get any more.
07:34What's the other present?
07:35Oh, no, no, no.
07:36I'm not going to show you that one.
07:37It's just something silly.
07:42Nothing practical like this.
07:43Oh, no.
07:44Say, Gracie, I've got a list of things I'm going to get Blanche for Christmas.
07:48I'd like you to check him over with me if you will.
07:49All right.
07:50That's a nice idea.
07:52Yeah.
07:52How about a fancy negligee?
07:54Oh, wonderful.
07:56I can just picture Blanche in a sheer black negligee.
08:00Yeah.
08:01Well, there goes that idea.
08:06Well, I guess I'll be going, Harry.
08:08I'm sorry Blanche wasn't here.
08:10You know, when I phoned her this morning, she said there was a salesman at the door with a bald head,
08:14and I was dying to find out if she bought one.
08:15I'll look through her things.
08:20All right.
08:22Well, don't bother coming to the door.
08:25Feels heavier somehow.
08:26I don't know.
08:28Bye.
08:28Bye.
08:28Bye.
08:33Uh, don't worry about Harry's real estate listings.
08:44He'll get them back.
08:45How about that present she got me?
08:50Should have seen what she got me last Christmas.
08:53I didn't know whether to wear it, eat it, or plug it in and listen to it.
08:59But all of her presents are not silly.
09:01She, oh, that's Mr. Vandelift, the banker of Very Rich.
09:04Oh, he's stopping at our house.
09:06Excuse me.
09:06I got to open the door.
09:09Come in.
09:13Hello, Lord.
09:14Mr. Vandelift.
09:14Well, this is nice.
09:16It was a real pleasure.
09:17I didn't expect to see you here today.
09:19Make yourself at home, Mr. Vandelift.
09:21Thank you, George.
09:22Here.
09:22Have a cigar.
09:23Well, I know bankers are supposed to have a reputation for smoking cigars,
09:27but personally, I can take them or leave them.
09:29Oh?
09:33Oh, my children saved the bands.
09:35You have quite a family.
09:43Well, I see you're getting your money from a new source this year.
09:47Oh, no, I'm still married to Gracie.
09:50Oh, oh.
09:50Oh, you mean carnage and milk, of course.
09:53Splendid company.
09:54Triple-A rating.
09:55Triple-A product, too.
09:57Sit down, Mr. Vandelift.
09:58Thank you, George.
10:00Gracie home?
10:01Not right now.
10:02Charming woman, Gracie.
10:03One of my favorites.
10:04Really crazy about her.
10:05Good, good.
10:06Do me a favor, will you, George?
10:07Certainly.
10:08Keep her out of my bank.
10:12What seems to be the trouble?
10:14Well, it's that checking account you opened for her.
10:16First of all, our bookkeeping never quite agrees with hers.
10:20Now, last week, for example, we computed her balance to be $1,200.
10:25What did Gracie figure it was?
10:26$2,800,000.
10:31I wish she was right.
10:33And then we come to the matter of the checks Gracie has written.
10:37Tell her that a check is intended only as a means of transferring money from one person to another.
10:42Not recipes, song lyrics, the latest gossip, or 10-day diets.
10:47She writes all that on the checks?
10:50Not only that, she signs them.
10:52Guess who?
10:56Well, I'll see that she stays out of the bank.
10:59Thank you, George.
11:00Okay.
11:01You're glad you stopped.
11:02A bank is definitely not the place for Gracie.
11:05In fact, as I listen to her conversation with my teller,
11:08I always get the feeling that the wrong person is inside the cage.
11:12Well, I'll, uh, I'll have to get tough with Gracie.
11:26I'll have to tell her to stay out of Vandalips Bank.
11:29And, uh, no more checks.
11:32Close her account.
11:33But I'll have to do this sort of diplomatic.
11:36I'll, uh, I'll get her some flowers first.
11:40Maybe a new dress.
11:43Or a bracelet.
11:46Yeah, that's what I'll get her.
11:47I'll get her some flowers.
11:48Look, um, don't think that I'm afraid of Gracie.
12:01I'm not.
12:06If anything happens between us, I'm set.
12:10I don't have to worry.
12:14I, if I never do another day's work until Monday.
12:20I better get the flowers, huh?
12:21Okay, I'll get her.
12:23Ain't misbehavin' all by myself?
12:25Oh, George.
12:25Yes?
12:26Which way are you going?
12:27Why?
12:27Well, I thought if you were going that way,
12:29you'd mail this letter for me.
12:30I'm going that way.
12:31Oh, well, good.
12:32You could take these empties back to the market for me.
12:41He's easier to outsmart than Harry.
12:44Say, Blanche, will you sew this button on for me?
12:47I just put one over on Dopey next door.
12:50Well, if she's home, why doesn't she bring back my listings?
12:52I was talking about George.
12:54Oh, George.
12:55Stop yakking about your listings.
12:57Gracie phoned and she was bringing them home.
12:59So there's nothing to worry about.
13:01There's nothing to worry about.
13:03She's a real brain, that woman.
13:05When the vegetable man wanted to sell her an eggplant,
13:08she wanted to know how many chickens were working in it.
13:12She's still too good for George.
13:15I'll never know why she ever married that man.
13:17Oh, George is a pretty fair catch.
13:19Nice home, plenty of money.
13:20Oh, when Gracie married him, he didn't have a penny.
13:24He's no bargain now,
13:26but to look like that and be broke yet.
13:28Blanche, sew the button, sew the button.
13:31All right, and you're no bargain either, sew the button.
13:35I could have married Al Cooper, you know.
13:37Al Cooper?
13:38Well, he just happens to be
13:40one of Cincinnati's best sanitation engineers.
13:44English translation, garbage collector.
13:49He only collects from hotels and restaurants.
13:52Big deal, big deal, Blanche.
13:57Sew the button, I know, sew the button.
13:59You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
14:01Yeah, sounds like Gracie.
14:02A big grown-up man like you.
14:05I'm going to tell my husband on you.
14:07I've been watching you through my rearview mirror
14:09and you've been following me for blocks.
14:11Look, lady.
14:17No, don't you, lady me.
14:19You, you, you.
14:20Oh, hello, Blanche.
14:22Hello, Harry.
14:23Oh, Harry, here are the listings.
14:26I found them at the exchange desk at Bullock's,
14:28and Harry, you should be more careful of them.
14:32Oh, Blanche, missed you this morning.
14:34I know.
14:34Oh, yeah, and I have lots to tell you.
14:36Oh, yes, I have.
14:39Don't you, lady me, you, you, you, you, playboy, you.
14:42Look, I followed you because I'm a policeman.
14:44Well, that's even worse.
14:47But, officer, what seems to be the trouble?
14:49She went through a 20-mile zone at 30 miles an hour.
14:52So what?
14:52Yesterday I went through that same zone at 10 miles an hour,
14:55so it owed me 10.
14:59Well, I'm giving you a ticket.
15:01Oh, no, you're not.
15:03I'm not going to be obligated to you.
15:05I'm going to pay for it.
15:08Oh, Harry, why don't you speak to me?
15:10Why don't you speak to me?
15:11I don't want to speak to me.
15:13You speak to me.
15:13I don't want to speak to me.
15:15Well, if they don't want to speak to you, I speak to you.
15:18Have you, um, you seen any good plays lately?
15:23I've had enough.
15:25I'm getting out of here.
15:26Oh, well, goodbye.
15:27Oh, officer, come here.
15:28Just a minute.
15:29Look, you better be more careful.
15:31When you followed me, you went through three red lights.
15:34Here they are.
15:49Pretty?
15:50But I just had the strangest experience.
15:53A motorcycle cop with a crazy look on his face
15:56just asked me how to get to the police station.
15:58Maybe he ran into something.
16:05He looked so fun...
16:06Oh, there's Bill Goodwin.
16:08Excuse me, I've got to open the door.
16:11Come on in, Bill.
16:12Okay, George.
16:14Hello, Willie.
16:15Hiya.
16:16Glad to see you.
16:17Come right in.
16:18I'm right in here.
16:18You'll put that right on the chair, Bill.
16:19Oh, all right.
16:20Fine, fine.
16:22Hey, where are the flowers for?
16:23Oh, for Gracie.
16:24Yeah?
16:24You see, I've got to tell her
16:25that I'm closing your checking account.
16:27Uh-huh.
16:27And these flowers are going to put her in a good juma.
16:30Oh, George, you're going at it the whole wrong way.
16:33Now, now, don't use the flowers.
16:34But flowers always work, Bill.
16:36No, George.
16:37No?
16:37Those will put you on the defensive.
16:39Now, look.
16:40Pretend I'm Gracie, see?
16:41Yeah.
16:42Now, you say to me,
16:43Gracie, I'm closing your checking account.
16:46Firmly, but with all the personality you've got.
16:49Gracie, I'm closing your checking account.
16:54The flowers.
16:56Thanks.
16:59You're a great help.
16:59I don't know what I'd do without yours.
17:01What?
17:01I just thought of something.
17:03Another idea.
17:03I know how to help you.
17:04Really?
17:04I really do.
17:05Give me the flowers.
17:05No flowers again.
17:06I see.
17:07Now, look.
17:08Yeah?
17:10In front of Gracie, you say to me,
17:13Bill, have you been by the bank lately?
17:15Have you been by the bank lately?
17:16Right.
17:17Now, then I'll say,
17:18well, that's a coincidence.
17:20I've just been reading a booklet
17:21on why smart women stay out of banks.
17:24Then I'll make something up.
17:25Hey, that smart angle might get up.
17:27Right.
17:27I'll call Gracie.
17:28All right.
17:29Hey, George.
17:29Yes.
17:30Don't forget your line.
17:31Been by the bank lately.
17:32That's right.
17:33I'm quick studying.
17:33Good.
17:34Gracie, Bill Goodwin is here.
17:35All right, dear.
17:36I'll be there in a minute.
17:38What is that?
17:38What's the chart?
17:39This?
17:39Oh, yeah.
17:40George, let me show you this.
17:41I'm making a lecture to 200 babysitters tonight.
17:45Really?
17:45Yeah.
17:46Would you be my audience?
17:47Oh, I'd be glad to.
17:48I'd like to show you.
17:49Move that chair over.
17:49Okay.
17:50Put it right out here, will you?
17:51Right here.
17:51Now, you're going to break it in on me.
17:54Yeah.
17:54All right.
17:54I need a pointer here.
17:57Now, look.
17:58Yeah.
17:58As I open up, I say,
18:00Yep.
18:02Babysitters.
18:03Yep.
18:07This is a baby.
18:11Well, it's nice you tell them because they might think it's an umbrella.
18:14Well, maybe I'll cut the first line.
18:19Smart cut.
18:20Anyhow, then I say, babysitters, when this little fella looks at you with tiny outstretched arms
18:26and says, ah-goo, googly-goo, do you know what he's saying?
18:34Do you?
18:34Do you?
18:36Do you, George?
18:37Well, I know, but I don't want to embarrass those two women out there.
18:43You're fibbing, George.
18:44You don't know.
18:45So I'm going to tell you.
18:51He's saying, I want carnation evaporated milk.
18:54Well, it's best for me because it's good whole milk concentrated to double richness
18:59in all milk food values, enriched with vitamin D, and scientifically sterilized for absolute
19:06safety.
19:07That's what ah-goo, googly-goo means?
19:11George, everybody knows that.
19:13Yeah, I guess everybody knows that.
19:14Oh, hi, Gracie.
19:15Hey, Gracie, what does ah-goo, googly-goo mean?
19:19It means I want carnation evaporated milk.
19:22I don't think it's best for me because it's good milk enriched by double vitamins.
19:25Okay, okay, okay.
19:25I'm wrong.
19:26I'm wrong.
19:27I guess everybody knows what it means.
19:30That day, I just happened to miss school.
19:34Well, you see, dear, you don't understand babies, but I do because I used to be one.
19:41When I was small, I was a caterpillar.
19:45Been by the bank lately, Bill.
19:47Oh, yes, George.
19:48I was just...
19:48And you know what?
19:49What?
19:50My mother always said to me, carnation evaporated milk.
19:53Maybe the carnation people don't want that to get around.
19:56Been by the bank lately, Bill?
19:58Hey, Gracie, I'll bet that's why you're so sweet.
20:01You know, eight out of ten mothers who use carnation say, my doctor recommended it.
20:06Carnation is the milk every doctor knows.
20:08So if you want contented babies, you feed them the milk from contented cows.
20:14Carnation evaporated milk.
20:16Oh.
20:17Well, you know what I always say, Bill?
20:18If you don't feed babies food to make them big when they're very tiny, they'll still be tiny when they get to be very big.
20:23If you don't feed tiny babies food when they're big, they'll be very small.
20:31No.
20:32If you don't feed big babies tiny food when they're little, they're going to...
20:36Say, George, I wouldn't want you to repeat this, but sometimes Bill doesn't make sense.
20:44You forgot a shot.
20:45If you take tiny babies when they're big and feed them milk, no.
20:54If you take tiny babies when they're...
20:56How do you like that, a big guy like Bill?
21:07Gracie hits him with one line, and he's in a daze.
21:11I've been getting hit with those lines for years.
21:14I don't feel so good either.
21:15Well, I can't put this off any longer.
21:20I'd better go back and tell Gracie that she's got to stay out of Van Lips Bank.
21:23Well, here goes.
21:31Gracie!
21:31Yeah?
21:32Come, look.
21:34Oh, George, for me?
21:36Uh-huh.
21:37Oh, you're the sweetest husband in this whole house.
21:40Gracie, sit down.
21:46Hmm?
21:46I'd like to talk to you.
21:47Well, later, dear.
21:48Let's fix the flowers first.
21:50But what I have to say is very important.
21:52Well, later.
21:52Will you get me that vase over there?
21:54Oh.
21:55Well, I guess it can wait a little while.
21:56It's a beautiful vase.
21:57Aren't they pretty?
21:58Yes.
21:59Well, uh, what'd you do with yourself today?
22:01Oh, I was shopping.
22:03Oh?
22:03Yes.
22:04Oh, my.
22:04The department stores were crowded today.
22:07I was at the exchange desk, and the girl was out to lunch, so we all had a waiting line.
22:11And I was seven.
22:12Well, that's your lucky number.
22:13Mm-hmm.
22:14I asked the lady in front of me what she was exchanging, and she said, well, I have to
22:19return these shoes for my children.
22:20They're too tight.
22:21And I said, shame on you for allowing your children to drink.
22:29Well, that was telling us.
22:30Mm-hmm.
22:31Then the line moved up, and I was six.
22:33Oh, the girl came back from lunch?
22:37No, the woman in front of me went to the back of the line.
22:39I should have known that.
22:40Oh, and then the man ahead of me, uh, he looked so peculiar.
22:46He had a lot of hair on the side of his head, but none on top.
22:48So I said to him, I said, my, you must have grown fast when you were a boy.
22:52You grew right up through your hair.
22:59Uh, that was a nice way to break the ice.
23:03Mm-hmm.
23:03And then I was fifth.
23:05Oh, and moving up fast.
23:08Yes.
23:08And then, then there was a lady and her husband in front of us.
23:12And so I said to the woman, I said, I hope that girl comes back from lunch soon.
23:15She says, so do I.
23:16I have to make an exchange for my husband.
23:18His hat's too small.
23:19And you said?
23:20Why change your husband?
23:21Why not get him a larger hat?
23:26And you're now fourth?
23:27Third.
23:27Oh, they both moved?
23:28Yes.
23:29Oh, I see.
23:29Let me see.
23:31I think I'll change those over here.
23:32Oh, put those flowers in there, yeah.
23:34So, then the little fat man in front of me jumped out of line, and I was second.
23:41What?
23:41What did you say to him?
23:42Nothing.
23:43He backed into my umbrella.
23:47Uh, Emma, that serves him right.
23:49Yeah.
23:49Now, and then the girl who was first in line was very pretty, but she was rather rude.
23:54She was rude?
23:54Yes.
23:54I was talking about the movies, so she interrupted me, and she said, Deb, have you seen My Foolish
24:00Heart?
24:00So, I came right back at her, and I said, no, but if your neckline was any lower, I sure
24:04could.
24:12By this time, the girl was back from lunch, and you were at the window.
24:15No.
24:16I was in the back of the line.
24:19You were in the back of the line?
24:21Well, everybody else went there, and I wanted to see what was going on.
24:24And you know, it was a lucky thing I did, too, because I heard somebody say there was
24:30a crazy woman up front.
24:38You know, you know, you know, Greg.
24:41Here, Dad, give, throw those away.
24:54Throw them away?
24:57Oh, wait, I got an idea.
25:03Blanche, Blanche Martin.
25:04Yes, you are.
25:05I got a surprise for you.
25:07Excuse me.
25:07Blanche, flowers.
25:09Harry got you these flowers, but they were delivered here by mistake.
25:13Harry bought flowers for me?
25:15For you.
25:16Oh.
25:17Blanche, would you throw this button on, please?
25:19You and your guilty conscience.
25:24Where were you last night?
25:26Why, you never said...
25:27What's all the excitement, dear?
25:31Uh, nothing, nothing.
25:32The excitement is over.
25:34Uh, now, Gracie, I'd, uh, I'd like to talk to you.
25:37All right.
25:38Uh, Mr. Vandal, if you could...
25:39Oh, don't mention that man's name to me again.
25:42I'm never going in his bank again.
25:44Why not?
25:45Well, because it's dishonest.
25:47Dishonest?
25:48I was there yesterday to make a deposit,
25:50and as fast as I put money in one window,
25:52somebody was taking it out of another.
25:59I see.
26:00So I want you to stop my checking account.
26:06Now, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?
26:09Oh, I know what you're laughing at.
26:18You do?
26:19At that joke in my sister Bessie's letter.
26:21Yeah.
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